01x07 - Lieutenant Bernhardt

This is just wonderful.

First my wife tells me that she's lost everything, now my grandson is telling me that he's nothing but a common crook.

Is that why you brought that safecracker in, to rob us?



I was trying to help you.


I can still help you.


This is from the Einstein that tried to rob a gun range.

I did that on purpose.

There were... there were bad men after me, and getting arrested was the only way out of it.

So we have to worry about these bad men?

No, you don't have to worry about the bad... they don't even know who I am.

I was going under an alias.

Marius Josipovic.

Jos... wh... what kind of a name is that?

It's Polish.

You said you could help.

My ex told you about a friend, right?

Uh, Victoria Gemmet.

He said she was a client.

He said she had an opportunity, a real estate opportunity, but she couldn't take advantage of it because she didn't have the cash.

And said she had a boyfriend on the planning commission, that Google was gonna open some super campus outside of Bridgeport, and that the... the value of the surrounding property was gonna skyrocket.

Oh, Jesus, Audrey, you work with criminals every day.

How could you fall for this?

Because I got paid. I told you.

I put in 10,000 and got back 15,000 in five days.

Easy money's always the hook.

And then you told Lance that if there was another opportunity to let you know about it right away.

How long did he wait, what, two weeks?

Three. Same type of deal.

But bigger, right?

Yeah, a lot bigger. A lot.

Lance said Victoria's boyfriend found out about the property, and he was terrified he'd get charged with insider trading for giving her the information.

Right, so then she needed to sell the properties fast.

She said there were other investors that were interested, but because you helped her out before, she came to you first.


Put it like that, it's just... so... so obvious.

They call this the Spanish Prisoner. It's an old con.

This... the same thing happened to me.

There's always a clock on it.

I had one day to come up with 175,000.

So I... got Dockery's money, his cash out of the safe and... and, um, I-I pawned some collateral... to come up with the rest.

What the f*ck?

Jesus Chris, Audrey. You said you told me everything.

I didn't want to upset you.

You pawned collateral. How could you do that?

Because Lance said it...

Lance said he was going with me, that it was too rich to pass up.

This is a betrayal of everything!

It was a chance to...

It's a betrayal of our marriage!

It's a chance to get even.

It's a betrayal of our business!

It was a chance to catch up, to maybe even get ahead for once.

Between your medical bills, and... and this hand-to-mouth business, I just...

Oh, I didn't realize I was such a burden.

Oh, Otto, I'm sorry.

In two days, Audrey, two, Dockery will come lookin' for his money, and we will not have it.


I don't want to hear from you.

Well, sh1t, I, um... my final Agent Orange check came yesterday.

I think I'll just go cash it right now.

You think $5,000 is gonna help?

Where are you going?

I'm going to work.

For as long as we still have a business.

[door opens, closes]


What are we gonna do?

We're gonna get your money back.

♪ ♪
♪ It's gettin' hot around here ♪
♪ I keep tryin' to just make my way ♪
♪ It's not lyin' ♪
♪ I'm only tryin' ♪
♪ Trust in me ♪

Chorus: ♪ Trust in me ♪
♪ Just trust in me ♪

Chorus: ♪ Trust in me ♪
♪ Just trust in me ♪
♪ ♪

[door opens]

[bell jingles]

Chayton, how are you?

Been thinkin' about your visit yesterday.

Tellin' me to run.

Didn't feel right.

I was only, uh...

Lookin' out for my father.

To be a friend.

Spare him the pain of seeing his son in jail.

When did you last see my father, before yesterday?

Well, uh...

I'm feelin' you lied to me.

About what?

Maybe the reason you want me out of here.

I skip town, you keep the money.

That'd be stupid.

Yeah, that would be.

The witness is not gonna show up on Monday, or Tuesday, or any day.

And after my court hearing on Monday, I'm gonna return.

I want my money ready.

[bell jingles]

[door closes]

Why? Because my angel-faced little cousin Carly is the f*cking devil.

She's the one who took it to Audrey.

And apparently, she's also been talking to Taylor about me.

Well, then, you have a major crack in the damn, Marius, because that cop is gonna run Pete's name sooner rather than later, and it's not gonna be your face that pops up, is it?

If the truth comes out, it's gonna be a sh1t storm to end all sh1t storms, because you'll go back to prison.

And Eddie can say goodbye to his fingers.

So I don't... what do I do?

I don't know what to do.

Well, I have an idea.

You're not gonna like it.

Uh, what, Porter? You want... you want me to talk to...

[stammers] he wants nothing to do with me.

Tell him what we're doing.

But is it... he's not even the same anymore.

I don't understand.

Maybe not, but... he knows how to find the kind of person you need.

There... there are four steps to this trick.


I need a volunteer.

Wallace. Come, come, come, Wallace.

Wallace, ladies and gentlemen. [laughs]



It's Wally.

Wally. [chuckles]


Nice to work with you, Wally.

Yeah, thank you.

Please, ladies and gentlemen.


All right, as I said, there are four steps to this trick.

Step number one: pour the milk into the cup.

All right. There we go.


Um, next step.

Place the cards... over the milk.

Step number three: place the cup of milk... on Wally's head.



Step number four: uh, step number four is, uh... pull the cards. [chuckles]

Uh... [clears throat] let's see.

Ahh! [laughs]


Yeah, give him a round of applause.

Give him a round of applause.


Great job, Wally, great job.


Let's clean you off there.

Good job.



It's Marius.

You don't remember me?

I'm your old student.



Yeah, that... you told me that was the first trick you learned.

Now I get halfway through a gag and can't finish it.

You're still there.

Am I?

Let's see.

I can't remember the short con, never mind the long.

I'm reduced to kissing the dog at the retirement centers.

Yeah, but you look fantastic.

And you're a good liar.


Say, um... I hate to ask this but, you know things haven't been going too well for me, and I...

I was just wondering...


Yeah, here. I got a, uh...

Got a 20.

What you say your name was?

Uh, it's not important.

Just an old friend.

Well, thank you. Thank you.

[car alarm chirps]

[tires squealing]

Mm, nice Rolex.

Some grandson's gonna miss you.

Nice haul.

I really did learn from the best.

That's my business card.

Got your address from the phone book.

What do you want?

Want your 20 back?

I didn't give you a 20.

I only do what the nursing staff does.

Just do it with more flair, that's all.

I'm not here to judge.

But you're here for something.

I'm... I'm looking for a, uh... [clears throat] a gray hat, 'cause I... I need to hack into a... a prison data base.

That'll cost you more than 20.

You don't get it, do you?

I don't want to help you.



You don't get to say nothin' about Charlie.

We were spinning cards while you were drinking milk from your mother's heroin tainted titty.

Nothin' made me happier than the day he asked me to call him brother.



And you. You put those bullets in his chest.

So if you're gonna stand there, and do something productive, own it.

Own it!

We're going after the guy who killed Charlie.

If I don't make a change to a certain prison record, the whole thing falls apart.

I ain't interested in joining no justice league with you callin' the shots.

I don't think anybody else would, either.

Joseph is onboard.

So is Marjorie.

Horse sh1t.

Call her. Right now.

Call her. This was her idea.

We're doin' the Dirk.

There's no moving parts.


Now I know it's horse sh1t.

He's gonna do Dirk. [laughing]

Porter. Porter. We need your help.


I don't really like the... the no beard.

I like it when you were, like, hairy with a, like, a lumberjack kind of.

You know what? I love you.

I love you, too.

All right, go give that other team that attitude.

All right.


All right, we will pick you up right out front, in front of the building, okay?

All right.

Yeah. You got your water bottle?


Knock 'em dead.

Hey, hey, hey.

Oh. Excuse me. What's our code?

Benders wheel, grinders carry.


Where's Moe?

Man: [on radio] He makes a shot.

Christ sakes, Moe, why don't you have your office on the first floor?

Eh, Lieutenant Bernhardt.

Good to see you.

How you been, Moe?

Ah, you know. Trying to watch what I eat, exercise.

Well, I was gonna say, you look... huh... you look svelte.

f*ck you, old man.


So, what's goin' on?


I need to find someone who paints houses.


It's a big f*ckin' ask.

Well, I know that.

But I'm asking.

I wish I could help.

Those connections I ain't got no more.

That's a crock of sh1t and you know it.


I bailed out your brother last year.

He got caught with 12 fully automatic MP5s.

You gonna tell me that those were headed for an orphanage?

Hey, hey. Hey.

Do you know that I collect military memorabilia?

Two years ago, I got my hands on an original 1916 proclamation issued by the Irish volunteers in the Irish Citizen Army.

During the Easter rebellion.

Did I say it was an original?

Signed by Patrick Pierce?

Do this for me, and it's yours.


Hey, my name's Taylor.

You... you guys got a camera out front, right?

You know if it covers Bruno's?

Sure, it covers Bruno's.

Okay. Okay, good, look.

I got... I got in this little, uh... this little thing with these knuckleheads the other night.

And the cops are taking for f*cking ever.

Do you know if there's any way I could get a copy of the video?

Sure is.

Yes, that would be great.

Okay. Okay, so... how do I get it?

Let me think. Uh... you can suck on a binga, and then you come back, then you'll get the video.

Binga means dick.

You know what this means.

Hm? Huh?

Oh, sure.

That means you got no chill.


Socio. Avon's a friend.

I know he filed a complaint against your ass.

You're benched.

So that badge don't mean sh1t.

So take your JC Penney Sunday best and go.

You better watch your f*ckin' mouth.

Maybe you better watch yours.

[speaking foreign language]

Telling me that, um... his prison number has been changed.

They say they can't do anything without his new number.

I thought you said they were good.

Yeah, Latvian good.

Reason I asked for this, Eddie, not that I doubt you have skills, but I never take a man's word on faith alone.

So, how you gonna spot Mukherjee's cheat?

I don't know.

But it takes a cheat... to spot... a cheat.

Where's the ace?

On top of the deck. You were dealing off the bottom.


All right.

Okay, one more.

What'd I do?

Look at your hand.

That's good.

I'm gonna control the table, feed Mukherjee whatever cards I want.

See what he plays.


That makes us the cheaters.

No. Just deal 'em straight. All right?

Spot the cheat, that's all.

Nothin' fancy.

He's good.


I hope Marius has that money in two days.

I'd hate to ruin those hands.

Amanda. I told her to be out front.

It's fine, I'll get her.

[door opens]

Brendon: Wait, wait, wait.

I... I need to talk to you.

[door closes]

So you just let her go off with... with a man?

Amanda. Amanda!

Hey, bug.


Hey, how ya doin'?


Um, are we in trouble?

No, no, no. Course not.


No, sweetie, we just, uh... we need to talk to the detective.

Could you please go finish that in your bedroom?


Thank you, sweetie.

You son of a bitch.

This is about Marius, not your family.

No, you made it about my family when you took my girl.

Stop it. Stop it.

If you didn't have that gun, I'd shove that f*cking up behind your skull.

Honey, Amanda...

Amanda is fine.

Look at me. She's fine.

Okay? She's fine.

What do you want?

I want you to help me get Marius.

He's not a good guy.

We don't know where he's at.

Your wife does.

No, she doesn't.

She takes me to him, I am a memory.

I can get you his address.


Nah, too many variables.

Wrong address, you call ahead and warn him.

Only way this works, you take me.


It's fine.

Honey, no.

Fine. It's fine.

I have dealt with worse.

There. Everybody wins.

I'm just gonna need your cell phones.


[indistinct chatter]



sh1t. What are you doing here?

Here to see an old friend.

So could you go get him for me?

His name is Salty McGee.

No, I'm... I'm here to see you, Pete.

I'm kidding.

Screw you.


Wow. What's goin' on?

So, who... who are you stayin' with?

Uh, uh, family.

That's good.

So, how you been?

Good. I, uh...

I found this youth intervention program out in Jamaica Queens.

So I'm thinkin' about workin' with them.

No sh1t, huh? Wow. Prison changed you.

Well, you know, self-respect isn't a straight line, it's a circle.

That's what they teach the kids.

They're, uh, mostly pre-teens.

Uh, you know, 11-year-olds.

You remember the puberty years, right?

Oh, yeah. No, I sure do.

That's a big jump from 10 to 11. Right?

Ten, you're, um, you know, you're watching cartoons, eleven, the fuzz on your nuts starts to mean something.



You ain't kiddin'.

No more birthday parties. No more cake.



No, my 11th birthday party, I did... I got cake.

I just didn't get to eat it.

What happened?

I told you about my mom.


But it can't always be rosy, you know?

Sometimes you have to try to forget things, like my cousin Taylor, all right?

The guy's always puttin' me down, making me feel like sh1t.

Then he'd play it off, like he was just teasing or something, but no, he's an asshole.

There was one time we were at this fair, all right?

I go into the porta potty, and Taylor comes and he... he pushes it over...

Time's up.


There it is.

Thank you so much for coming, man.

Yeah. Hey, what's your prison ID number?

What for?

'Cause I wanted to make a donation to the commissary, get you some extra thermals.

Marius, you may be the one pal I got, you know that?

What is it?

Yeah, Pete's prison number is alpha echo 9-7-5-5.

Tell your Latvians to get on it.

[phone rings]

Audrey speaking.

Hey, it's Lance.

I need you to come down to the office.

I got an update for ya.

Uh, good update or a bad update?

It's better if you just come down.

[cell phone ringing]

Son of a bitch.

[ringing continues]

Hey, Grandma.

He called just like you said he would.

What'd he say?

He has news about the investment, come to his office.

Right, so this is the part where he tells you Victoria disappeared, and you both have been conned.

You headed over there now?


Where are you?

I'm on 58.

I just couldn't...

I don't know if I can do this, Pete.

Well, sure you can.

All the lying and deceit.

Look, I know you're angry and uh... and scared.

But, you know, use that. That's not lying.

I... I'm just so... you know...

Now I understand why Julia smokes.

Yeah. Right. [chuckles]

When do we tell her?

Uh, not until we have to.

It's gonna break her heart, and she's gonna hate me even more.


I gotta go.

Good. Good. And, Grandma, the most important thing...


As much as you might want to, don't kill him.

I hope this is it.

He also works in town. Bail bonds shop.

Bail bonds?

Are you serious?


Oh, um, don't ask for Marius Josipovic.

He's going by Pete Murphy.

[doorbell rings]



It's some cop.

Sorry, my Dad's in the office.

How can I help you?

I'm lookin' for Pete Murphy.

He's not here.

Any idea where he might be?


Police business.

Can I see that badge again?

New York.

Can you even do police work in Bridgeport?

I'm dealing with a local task force.

Oh, wow, my brother's a local cop. I can just have him call you.

No, that's all right, I really need to see Pete.

He may have witnessed a crime.

Is he at the bail bond office?

No idea.

But, um, you can give me your card.

I'll have him call you.

Thanks for your time.

Can I tell him what this is about?

Tell him it's about our mutual friend Marius Josipovic.

Could you write that down?

I'll forget.

You just had a visitor, some New York detective named Winslow.

Who did he ask for?


He came looking for you.

But, yeah, but what did he say?

Did he ask for me by name?


Yeah, you, Pete.

What other Pete is there?

He said that you may have witnessed some crime, but something about him... bad vibe.

And there was this woman in the car.

A woman?


And she didn't look like a cop.

I've been around cops. I can tell.

Did he... did he, uh, leave a number, or... or, uh...

Yeah, he, uh, left me his card.



[cell phone rings]


Let me talk to her.

You won't be talkin' to anybody but me.

How do I know she's okay?

You can take my word, because there's only one lyin' asshole on this call.

Listen. Listen, I want to make a deal.

Call me Monty f*ckin' Hall.

You can have me. I'll even come to you.

But only at Katie's.

If she's safe and her family's safe, I'll go without a fight.

Who am I speaking with, because the Marius I know would run away.

All right. I'll see ya at the house.

Hey, sweet thing.

How much for, uh, that Macallan?

This one?

That's the one.

239 plus tax.

Betcha I could get a discount.


Negotiate and try me.

You want it or not?

Actually, no, I came looking for something else.

That cop your friend?

Maybe. I make friends real easy.

Mira, mami. You're not my type.

What's your type?

About nine inches, uncut.

So you're not gettin' that tape.

Hola, señor, como estas?

[speaking Spanish]

[cell phone rings]

Hola, papi.

Sí, papi, mira, the chica is...


Okay. [speaks Spanish]


If your daddy weren't a drunk, he wouldn't be such a good client.

♪ ♪




f*ck! I miss that part of the job.

I wish Shawn would still let me do it.

So you got it?


God, I love you.

Hey. Hey, look, let's go somewhere private and look at this.



Whatcha drinkin'?

I'm waitin' for a friend.

I heard you're lookin' for a man who paints houses.

Moe has a big mouth.

Everything on Moe is big. Including his heart.

He wouldn't have reached out to me otherwise.

Get enough lectures from Audrey, I don't need one from you.


But this is the very definition of a bad idea.

Well, you wrote the book on that, didn't you, bad ideas?


Remember why the staff here all started calling you lieutenant?

What's your point?

It was when I told Moe in front of everyone how Otto Bernhardt became a lieutenant in Vietnam.

I told the real version, not that bullshit story you like to tell full of honor and valor.

'Cause you always leave out the part about how you caught a drunken major on a step ladder trying to f*ck a water buffalo.


And this... this matters how?

It doesn't.

Just gettin' your attention.


Killing Dockery's not gonna solve anything.

Say this guy goes the way of Jimmy Hoffa.

His family is never gonna stop looking for him.

You know this, Otto.

And then one day, there'll be a knock at your door, and maybe you're not home to answer it, and maybe Audrey or Carly opens that door.

You ready to roll the dice on that?


This thing... this thing does not make it back to Audrey.

I want your word on that.

f*ck you.

You keep quiet on this, and we'll be square.

For what?

For draggin' your ass out of the jungle to that LZ in the A Shau Valley.

You are one stubborn m*therf*cker.

[door opens]

You got a big f*ckin' mouth. Make the call.

[door closes]

I come baring gifts.

The holy trinity.

A drink, a lady, and a whole lot of cash.

Boy, that's a tough decision.

You know what?


I want it all.


In this order.






So, does Winslow have a location on Marius yet?

Yeah, turns out he was right about him going up to Bridgeport.

Thinks he's getting closer.

So this I never quite got.

What happens when he finds him?

Winslow keeps an eye on him.

Hopefully, it's his good eye.

Marius tries to run, he gets him.

Marius brings me my money, I forgive him.

That's it?


Well, I mean, uh... he still owes Winslow for the eye, but... they gotta take care of that sh1t on their own.

Ever think maybe Winslow lets his eye get the best of him before you get the money, and kills Marius?

Nah. Trust me. I'll get my money.

[cell phone buzzing]

Mr. Mukherjee. How are you?


Mm. Um, unfortunately, I can't.

But, uh, I'll see you when you're back in town.


You're too kind.

Thank you.


What the hell was that?

He asked me to lunch, and he's not coming Sunday.



Yeah, he's flying to India.

Family business.

How the hell am I supposed to catch him cheating if he's not even here?

You know, f*ck that. He's comin'.

Baby, you can't force him to stay.

Watch me.

Okay, if you do that, he's gonna get suspicious, and then he'll never show.


Hang on. Call him back.

Tell him, uh, that your schedule opened up, and you would love to have lunch with him.

We're gonna use his crush on you to get him to stay.

Promise him a good time if you have to.

Excuse me?

I didn't say you had to do anything.

You know, just... give him a little hope, that's all.

A little tickle.


Lina, come on.

Victoria's gone.

I went to her place, this was all I found.

The landlord said he's never seen her.

The rent was always paid, he's just never seen her.

I'm sorry, Audrey.

What are you trying to tell me?

She never lived there.

Her boyfriend on the planning commission is 60 years old and married.

He's never heard of any Victoria Gemmet.

And my money?

There is no money.

We've been conned.

There's no Google campus, there's nothing.

You... owe me.

My money's gone, too.

We still have the property.


And I overpaid to go in front of the line.

I know.

I'm sorry.

I'm ruined.

Everything. The business.


I'm here for you, whatever you need.

See? They're fine.

Happy? Good, let's go.

I did not mean for this to happen.

Oh, sure you didn't. Let's move.

Will you give me a second? Asshole.

Hold on, I need to speak to Marius.

This is not an intervention.

Sweetie, why don't you go outside and play.

Amanda, I'm so sorry.

I'm a nice guy, Marius.

Problem is, nice gets taken advantage of, and that's fine. I'm... I'm used to that.

Brendon, can I just...

Could you shut the f*ck up?

What I'm not used to is having my family put at risk.


My daughter went missing today.

Because of you.


Do you have any goddamn idea what that feels like, huh?

Not knowing where your daughter is? Huh?

Not knowing what happened?

Do you have any idea, you f*ckin' piece of...



You should never have touched my baby.


You should never have touched my baby.


You should never have touched...




You should have never touched my baby.


Oh, my God.



Oh, my God, what did you do?

He touched our girl.

He touched our girl.

What are were gonna do when he wakes up?

We'll fix it, we'll fix it.

How? How?

How? How? By dismembering him?

Sweetie, I'm so sorry, I wasn't thinking.

Yeah, weren't thinking.

Guys. Guys.


I have an idea. I can make this good.

Face the entrance.



If you don't mind, may I sit facing the entrance?

I prefer the way the light radiates off you from that angle.


Charming, as always.

Not so difficult around you.

Well, thank you for joining me.

It is I who should thank you for inviting me.

Now I can get to know you.

There's not much to know.

So, why the sudden invitation?

I don't know.


I'm not surprised. Vince is a dull man.

Doesn't even play in his own games.

He just hovers like a vulture.

Well, the house doesn't play against its guests, it's his rule.

I would love for him to change his rule.

I would give anything to play against him.

You really don't like him.

It is Vince who does not like me.

Perhaps it's my money, or my complexion.

As for myself, does a lion consider the ant?

He does not.

I simply enjoy annoying him.

Speaking of which, will you be joining us on Sunday?

I would never miss a chance to see you.


Maybe one day instead of lunch, we can have dinner.

Followed by breakfast.


There's a speed limit in this state, Mr. Mukherjee.

45 miles an hour.

Isn't that from "Double Indemnity"?

The story where a woman and her lover kill the husband.


You'll excuse me, I need to use the little girls room.



So we'll see you here in an hour.

Don't forget your checkbook.

Hey. Good news.

I, uh, got Rhonda Wertz to bring by her final bond payment.


Woohoo, right?

Go home. I'll finish the day.

No, I'm here 'til closing.

No need for two of us on a Saturday.

I'll close.

No, I'll close.

If I leave now, my check will be $100 short.

Julia, I'm not looking for an argument.

Funny, 'cause we seem to be in the middle of one.

So if you don't need us both here, then I'll stay, and you can go...

Stop it! Jesus.

For once, can't you just act like an adult.

[bell jingles]

[police radio chatter]

Looky here. The baby Bernhardt.

Didn't you see the sign, no loitering?

Wow, were you born this grumpy, or is it the age?

Taylor's off today.

I know, I'm meeting him here.

We're supposed to get something to eat.

All right, have a seat.

And don't bother me.

Hey, um, mister sergeant?

Uh, I was just wondering, do you, by any chance, know how they get all that gas from the rocks when they do fracking?

I have no fracking idea.

I'm serious. It's for a school paper.

Yahoo your phone.

It's dead.

Could I just use Taylor's computer?


Come on.

What am I gonna do, release all the prisoners?

[sighs] One minute. That's it.

♪ ♪

What the f*ck?

Wait, I...

Why would he do that?

Does this make sense to you?

I think you have to have words with your cousin.

I have to go. Shawn will be home in 15.

Wait, wait, hold on. Hold on.

I just need a little advice.

I need to go home.

We can talk later. All right?

Where should I drop you?

[car engine starts]

I don't know. Sometime last night.


Yeah, one minute.

Look, I just want to replace this card.


Do we really have to do... I said hold on.

Sorry, I lost my wallet.

Buy the boat.

Buy it and we'll take a trip.

A long trip. A week, a month, I don't care where.


Where's this coming from?

I'm serious.


Won't that distract the kids?

Not if we stop running around behind their backs.

Or anyone else's back. We need to live our lives.

Our lives.

Yeah, why the hell not?

'Cause you're not listening to me.

Gamboa goes on the Northfield account.

Brooks gets his from Valley National. Well?

He's coming.


I gotta go.

Oh, my God.

My God, look at you.

Oh, my God.

That's my girl.

Did you have to entice him with anything?

Oh, he just wants a threesome.


Yeah, so just make sure you shave.

Wait. Are you kidding?


Ahhh. It's not funny.


It's a little bit funny, right?

No, it's not.

Come on.

Gives me the creeps.

[rhythmic knocking]

Can I talk to you for a minute?

That, uh... that detective shouldn't have come here.

Today. I'm sorry about that.

It's fine, there's a shot gun in the hall closet.


I can take care of myself.

Yeah, you're pretty resourceful.

Well, in this family, it's... the only way to survive.

Your room is pretty cute.

You remember when you were asking me about my 11th birthday, and, uh, you told me that story about our drunk moms, and the cake falling on the floor?


That didn't happen.

Yeah, I don't know if you got that from Audrey, um, and I... you know, I went along with it because, uh... well, because the real story sucks.

Maybe Audrey was trying to keep it from you, but...

I won't.

Truth is, my mom never showed up to my 11th birthday.

Well, that's... that's not true.

She was there in the morning, and hen she went out to get ice cream.

Uh, she just never came back.

And I wanted to wait, uh, but we started without her, then when the cake came out and she still wasn't there, I threw a fit.

So Audrey cancelled it.

Grandma cancelled my 11th birthday.

But your mom...

God bless her, Aunt Lila went out looking for my mom.

She found her in some bar, uh, drunk, you know, mixing with riffraff.

It was just pathetic, so she just left her there.

And then, you know what she did?


She showed up with a brand new Sega 7.

You know what that is?

No, what's that?

It's only the best goddamn video game console ever created.


And she played with me for hours.

She played with me until I forgot.

She lost every game.

You know, our moms talked less and less as the years went on.

But, um, there was one night I'll never forget.

Your mom called my mom the night you were born.

And they talked for a little while, and then, uh, when my mom hung up, she was... she was so happy.

She dug out this, uh... this cupcake.

It must have been a week old, and, uh, she... she looked for a candle, she couldn't find one, so she got a match, and she stuck it in.

Lit it.

And we celebrated.

My mom wasn't there to have cake with me on my birthday, but she was there to have cake with me on yours.

♪ ♪

[door opens]

[bell jingles]

You're the bail guy, right?


Do you need some work done?


Just so we know, I don't do law enforcement.

Law's not my problem.

That's good.

Then all I need to know is who you want gone.

You're lookin' at him.