01x05 - Roommates from Work

[bunniefuu]

(party music playing)

♪ Let the boys be boys! Slam! ♪

What the hell?

Oh, it's a party for "Sex Crimes Unit: Annapolis."

We just wrapped season 12.

You're in four episodes. You're hosting the wrap party?

Yeah.

Don't you think maybe you should've asked me?

Why? The party's here. I knew you'd be here eventually.

Nope, not invite me. I mean, ask me, like for permission, since it's my place.

Rog! Oh, it's Rog!

Roger Trousdale. I portray Admiral Steve McClendon, retired.

Your sister is like a delicious tropical drink on a hot Caribbean night.

Who are you again?

Hey. That dude's been around forever.

Started out in the soaps, and he's still got it.

How do you figure?

He's got a guy in Honduras that gets him erectile dysfunction suppositories. Maximum strength.

Cheers to that.

Nah.

♪ In the face, slam! ♪

(chuckles) Right.

What is in here?

(water draining)

What did you say?

Oh. Roxie.

I'm on the phone. Yeah, let's totally do that.

Oh, you found my retainer. Yay.

Yeah.

I'll call you back.

I'm so, so sorry...

I know.

But I need to feel more respect from you when I'm on the phone.

Me?

Yeah.

You are the disrespectful one... The noise, the partying, the fact that you haven't paid for a single thing since you've been here.

Okay, that is so not my fault.

Roxie...

Why have you not deposited this check?

I don't know. The same reason I haven't deposited these.

No. (sighs, chuckles)

Okay, I need you to pay rent, so you're gonna have to take these to the bank today and deposit them.

Oh my god, that sounds really hard.

You know what? This is my fault, for not making stricter rules when you first moved in.

Wait. Rules? What, like to follow? Okay, Mom.

Rule number 1: No parties.

Fine. After-parties are better, anyway.

(sighs) Rule number 2: No people staying here unless you know their names.

What, like I can control that?

You have got to get out of there.

Why don't you stay on my couch for a while before all that boring decency and good sense rubs off on you?

Oh my god, that would be awesome. And Audrey wouldn't mind?

I don't see how she can. Her boyfriend always spends the night here.

I'm allowed to have someone, too.

Oh, thanks for being so cool.

Who knew your brother was so uptight?

You know, I don't even know what I ever really saw in him, 'cause I usually go for a bad boy.

Oh, you know who loves him? And this is really gross.

Parents and other old people.

(scoffs)

Oh, really?

(cellphone ringing)

Aren't you gonna answer that?

Oh, it's just Roxie.

You don't want to talk to your little sister?

(laughs) Well, of course I'm gonna answer it.

It's my sister. We're very close.

Hi, Mom.

I won't be home by curfew because I'm staying at Patti's tonight.

Wait. Patti's? As in Audrey and Patti's?

Hey, Kevie! I need you to be my date at a family event.

Roxie said parents love you because you're completely non-threatening and borderline asexual.

Wow. No, I'm not going with you.

How's that for borderline asexual?

(sighs) How do you open the wine?

I don't know.

(Patti yelps)

Roxie: Oh, I got it.

Did that just spill on my couch?

Yeah.

Don't worry about the couch. It'll dry up long before we do.

(Patti and Roxie laugh)

(beeps)

(sighs)

I have a list of rules that might be a helpful jumping off point if you're interested.

(sighs)

Psst!

I'm borderline asexual, too.

(theme music playing)

♪ 'Cause it's all good ♪
♪ It's all, all, it's all good ♪
♪ Uh-huh, yup, it's all good ♪
♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh, it's all good ♪
♪ 'Cause it's all good ♪
♪ It's all, all, it's all good ♪

Kevin: Man, living alone is great.

I'd forgotten how nice it is to watch a game without Roxie in the background, complaining about the harsh bathroom lighting.

Hey, did you hand out some of my "Professional Training by Brian" pamphlets at your work?

You know I did, man. Those look great.

You spelled "professional" wrong, but other than that...

I hope they work.

I need more clients or I'm gonna have to start teaching balance classes to 80-year-olds.

I've seen one guy fall over and take out the rest of the class like dominoes, Kev.

I picked this up, and I'm interested, even though "training" is spelled wrong.

Oh my god, I can't believe I didn't see that.

Well, you'll never find a better trainer... or a worse speller.

Thanks, Kev. Okay.

What are we looking to do here?

I have a high school reunion coming up, and I'd like to get back down to where I was last time everyone saw me.

What kind of time frame are we looking at?

A month? Two months?

Three years.

I heard it was healthier to lose weight slowly.

That's true. That's true.

Here's a picture of me in high school.

Oh. So, you were never what we would call a thin man.

That's true. That's true.

Well, look, I guarantee you if you work with me, I'll have you looking just as good as you did in that picture in three years.

Wow, a guarantee. I like it.

All right, let's do this.

Bring it in. Bring it in. Yeah.

Wow. Ooh. You feel like you've been hittin' it pretty hard already.

Yeah, you should know before you train me that there's never a time I'm not sweating, so it could be hard to gauge my effort level.

Okay. I can work with that.

Okay. Okay then.

Let's get it again.

Okay then. Come on. Wow. That is wet.

(chattering)

Maybe it's weird that I'm noticing this, but what is that, your ninth cup of coffee?

It's fun at my place, but I can't sustain the partying.

I feel like I'm living in a frat house, but with more guys.

Oh, I'm sorry.

But you know, don't worry. She's gonna get tired of sleeping on your couch and soon enough she'll be running back to my bed.

I mean it's her bed now. It's not our bed.

That would be... That's gross.

I'm so jealous. You're probably going to watch TV and go to bed early or something, right?

Yes, although until right now, that plan has never felt like bragging.

Buy hey, you know, if it... if it feels like it's too much, you can always just... come to my place.

Oh. That might be weird.

Would that be weird?

No, no, not at all.

Not to me. No, it's just a quiet place to watch some TV, eat some take-out, wait for the Roxie storm to blow over. Right?

That is super sweet, but luckily I think I already found a solution. I'm moving in with Brock.

I'm gonna go.

I agreed to go to this stupid white party thing with Patti So she'll kick Roxie out of her place.

She's gonna owe me a favor after I charm her dad.

Yeah, but if Roxie stays with Patti, you get your apartment back to yourself again, right?

Yeah, but then Audrey lives with Brock. That's worse.

Get back on the treadmill, Ricky.

Kevin: You're still working?

Kinda.

Ricky's gonna be great for my before and after portfolio.

I got a lot of before sh*ts, but I'm not gonna get any after sh*ts unless I get through to him.

I gotta go. Here's Patti.

Okay, remember, you're here as ear candy.

So, you know charm the grown-ups with your boring words about 401k's and architecture.

And keep it somber.

Somber?

You brought me on a date to a funeral?

Chill. It's just some third cousin who got hit by a train.

Also, this isn't a date.

It's a sting operation to fool my dad into thinking I'm dating you so I don't have to date that disgusting doctor.

Ugh, look at him, Dr. Dev Banerjee.

What a geek. I was hoping he'd at least be one of those McWhatever doctors, but Obvi no.

Gotta be a lot better looking than that to take the stink off of working with prostates.

Okay, you know what? I'm game for this, but you definitely owe me a favor.

I need you to kick Roxie out and send her back to me.

If you want her back, why don't you just ask her?

She's not answering my calls or my texts.

I've even tried commenting on her Instagram, which meant that I had to see her Instagram.

Yikes, even the one where her left boob is like...

Yeah, even that one.

Well, I'm sorry, but I'm not kicking Roxie out.

Audrey moved in with Brock, and I'm not living alone.

Pick another favor. Okay, there's my dad.

Be sure to put on your best, "Well, hello, sir, I just got a haircut, I have a job and wear brown shoes."

You know what? You're forcing my hand.

Either you kick Roxie out or when I meet your dad, I'm gonna pretend to be completely nuts.

You wouldn't.

You think I can't play the part of a barely-functioning alcoholic with an out-of-wedlock kid in Indiana?

Damn it, Connie! He's my kid, too!

(angrily) What are you doing?

Just getting into character.

Now what's your dad's favorite slang for "vag*na"?

Okay, fine!

I'm meeting Roxie at a club later.

I'll tell her she can't stay with me anymore.

Thank you.

You're disgusting.

Yesterday, that guy signed a different name than the one on his I.D.

Totally hiding something, or be cheating.

What do you think?

I don't know.

I figured that we'd focus on upper body today, all right?

Well, I heard he's a stay-at-home dad, but he's certainly not staying at home when he's talking to that guy over there who I know for a fact is gay.

Okay, sure.

Rainbow bumper sticker, waxed eyebrows, Marc Jacobs gym bag.

Wow. Okay, well, that's... that's their business, and your workouts are our business, so lie down.

But... Now? But we're in the middle of a conversation.

Yes, now. Come on, enough of the chit chat.

Let's go, Ricky. Come on! Let's get it. Come on, baby.

Ah! Just so you know, I don't respond well to people barking out orders.

I'm here to get in shape, not inv*de Poland.

I'm your trainer, Ricky.

You're k*lling my spirit.

Wait! Rick!

♪ Oh my goddess, you're the closest thing to perfect ♪
♪ Oh my goddess, now I be like, oh my goddess ♪
♪ Now I be like, oh my goddess ♪

(shouting) I've got some bad news!

And I was waiting for a loud, crowded public place to tell you.

Well, I've got some good news, 'cause the DJ is totally sizing your stuff up.

Really?

Dr. Dev is feeling low after a funeral, so he's just prescribed himself a sh*t... of vodka!

Oh my god.

What?

That's the guy my dad was just trying to set me up with.

Dr. Dev is making a house call tonight, y'all!

Oh my god, he's so into you!

He's amazing! And your brother and his brown shoes almost k*lled my chances with him.

Excuse me. Give it up, sister.

♪ Oh my goddess ♪
♪ Oh my goddess ♪

(sports game playing on computer)

(phone rings)

Deal's off, bub! Not only is Roxie gonna stay with me, but she's gonna help me hook up with Dr. Dev.

What?

The DJ.

Is that the guy from the funeral?

Thanks a lot, Kev, but Patti says I can stay at her apartment until I "seg" from BFF to BM.

BM?

Bridesmaid!

(beeps)

(sighs)

(dog barking)

(knocking on door)

Audrey, hi.

What are you doing here?

I'm so sorry.

I know it's super late. Can I come in?

Yes, of cour... Yeah, come on in.

Oh! I didn't know you had a dog.

Oh. Yeah.

Pepper is... He's just outside, just chasing that same squirrel. There he goes.

Good boy!

(dog barks)

Yeah, I couldn't stand another minute at Brock's.

(guys banging, shouting)

(loud music playing)

Yes!

Hey, babe.

You remember Stump and Cheese, my new training buds.

Yup, you introduced me to them when they were here last night.

Is there any way...

And you can totally say no.

Can I hang out here for a little?

I wouldn't ask, but since you mentioned it before... and... I just need a break, and you live so close.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, of course.

Yeah.

Yes, come on in. Have a... Have a seat...

Okay.

On the sofa.

Sit. (chuckles)

Oh, thank you.

(sighs)

Let's see what movies are on.

I don't know. Maybe moving in with Brock was a huge mistake.

(mouths)

(whimsical music playing)

(both sigh)

(birds chirping)

Oh!

Oh.

For me?

For me?

(chittering)

Oh.

Do you take Audrey...

(knocking on door)

You know this isn't real, right?

Can we speed this up? (clears throat)

...totally.

"You're outta your element, Donny."

Are you guys talking about Donny?

There's no Donny that works here.

Oh. Right.

Yeah, we've just been watching a lot of movies together the last couple of nights.

I've been crashing at Kevin's while I figure some things out.

Ooh, I was going to try to make fresh pasta tonight.

First attempt, so be kind.

Excellent. I will be there.

Yeah!

Totally supportive with a box of penne, just in case.

(laughs) Eat Pray Love , right?

I'm sorry. I'm a little too desperate to be part of this.

I wouldn't be bothering you if I had a trainer who communicated with me more, but unfortunately he's obsessed with making me lift stuff and walk on things.

Ricky, I think he's just trying to get you in shape.

Well, I need a more holistic approach, so I think I'm going to fire him.

What? No, don't do that. You've got to give him a chance!

Kevin, I made up my mind. I can't trust a trainer who's completely unaware of the yoga teacher's custody battle.

My money was on the father until he got fired from the shoe store.

And this is the radius, the ulna.

(giggling)

Moving up we find the humerus...

Oh my god.

Which you seem to find quite humorous. Different spellings by the way.

You're both factual and playful. J'adore.

(loud music playing)

There Roxie goes again.

I need to study before planning my set for the Goldstein's dubstep bris.

I'll call you later.

Okay.

♪ See, with each every move, I lose some tread on my shoes ♪
♪ And dimes, they start look like pennies ♪
♪ When standin' next to my crew ♪
♪ B-Boy you must be confused ♪
♪ I got 'bout 20 of yous ♪
♪ So if that hatin' ensue ♪
♪ I send some blessin's atchu, yeah ♪

(music stops)

I really wanna stay besties, but you can't live here for another minute.

What? -You're going to cost me a chance with Dev.

I mean, a doctor and a DJ?

That's like Ryan Gosling and...

Ryan Gosling.

And I can't risk losing two Ryans Gosling.

You have to go back to your brother's.

No way. I'm not going back there.

Well, I'm sorry, babycakes, but you've to find somewhere else to rest that beautiful head.

Hey, man, I was just on my way home.

Audrey's making pasta.

My man.

Yeah. But, I thought you should know...

Ricky's thinking about f*ring you.

What? But... we've only had two sessions.

He says you don't communicate enough.

All he wants to do is talk and gossip.

I hear you. I hear you, but not everybody likes to work out the way you do.

I mean, you gotta make it fun for Ricky, and if what he does all day at the office is any indication, talking about people is a lot of fun for him.

Are you sure? I really feel like he's on the verge.

I just need to push him a little harder and...

Yeah, maybe. You're right. Okay.

All right.

All right. Well, hold on, man.

Listen, your sister came in and told me to give you this.

Roger Trousdale's address?

She's said to send her mail there.

Wait. Roger Trousdale.

From her show?

♪ Slam! ♪

(loud music playing)

♪ Let the boys be boys, slam! ♪

♪ Slam! ♪

What's she doing there?

Patti kicked her out, so she... She's living there, I guess.

(cellphone dings)

(sighs)

Damn it. I gotta go.

Okay. Thanks for the heads-up, Kev.

Yeah!

(clears throat) Before we get started, I have something I need to tell...

Okay, let me tell you something first.

You know... you know the girl who washes the towels?

Yeah.

You've seen her, right?

I think she's sleeping with the security guard.

I knew it!

Oh, it's so interesting, isn't it?

Mmm.

Let's go sit on the big rubber balls and talk about it, okay?

Yeah, yeah.

I think she's pregnant.

(gasps)

Yeah.

Jezebel. - Just an open-legged woman.

Hey, so I'm just out running an errand.

But hang tight, and I will be there, and we will... we will drink that wine and watch that movie.

Okay, no hurry. You do what you need to do.

I released all the hounds but one.

(both laughing)

Yeah, no, I definitely need to do this.

Okay. Wow.

(clears throat)

Who are you?

I'm Gerta Trousdale. Who are you?

Where's Roxie?

Oh, she's with Roger.

And you're here too, Mrs. Trousdale.

What kind of a sick freak show is this?

Roxie! Roxie!

Relax, dear. They're in there.

Oh, you poor dear. He makes you stand out here while he goes at it in there.

At the Salisbury steaks, yeah.

(g*nf*re on TV)

(g*nf*re stops)

What do you want?

I thought you were... oh.

Oh my, this is rich.

He thought we were canoodling together.

(laughs)

(scoffs) Kevin, you're so gross.

My dear boy, my man parts have worked only sporadically in the last 10 years.

We've just been watching my early years on the Canadian show, Provincial Homicide, as the young prosecutor, Gordon Thorson.

Is this your boyfriend, sweetie?

He's the brother, Gerta.

(gasps) Throwing your little sister out on the street.

Is that what she told you? I just made a little list.

Can I talk to you, please?

(sighs deeply)

Why are you here?

I wanna live somewhere where I'm wanted, Kev.

Patti didn't want me, you didn't want me.

That's not true.

Okay, it's a bit true. I just...

I wanted some respect.

You're my brother, Kevin.

I already have parents. I don't need some list of rules.

You're right. I'm sorry.

What about help? Could you use some of that?

At times, maybe yes, I could.

Do you wanna stay here?

(sighs) Not really. I mean, they're really nice, but... it's not home.

And there's no Wi-Fi, so...

Are you asking me back?

(whimsical music playing)

Thanks!

(chirping)

Yeah, I'm asking you back.

Ow.

(laughs)

Ow. Ow.

(mumbles) I'm such an idiot.

Aw. They were really nice.

You know, they have blankets that you wear.

I just can't imagine you living with some old married couple.

Oh, they're not married. Gerta's his sister.

Oh, wouldn't it be sweet if we ended up that way?

I'm kidding. I have no intention of living past 50. Ugh.

(sighs) You ready?

Yeah.

(rock music playing)

It's super easy, and it combines something that you love...

Taking pictures... With something that I love...

You having money in your bank account to pay rent with.

You can do it all on your cellphone and you never have to be awake during bank hours.

Wow. Cellphones are for more than just posting selfies.

Who knew?

(chuckles)

Thanks for helping me.

I'm really happy I'm here.

No, no, no.

Just the check.

No.