01x07 - Secrets From Work

[bunniefuu]

So, I did it.

I finally did it.

Congratulations!

You finally came aboard the manscaping train.

No. What? I bought a bed.

Oh, you can... you can stand up when you manscape.

You'll find out.

Brian, I actually bought, like, a real bed.

Like, I got rid of the baby bed.

Hey, all right! I'm proud of you!

Finally stretching out like a real man.

You go king? Cali King?

No, it's like a... a daybed, pull-out bed kind of thing.

But, you know, I had to fit it in my living room.

So, no baby bed, but still baby steps. That's okay.

Hey, I'm wondering if you can pick it up for me.

Julia's out of town this week and we've got some new clients pitching to us in a couple of days.

Yeah, sure. I can do that.

I'll even assemble it for you.

What?

I'm gonna call you back.

(Ethereal music playing)

What?

(quietly) Get out of this line, now.

No way. I've been in it for 20 minutes.

As long as no one challenges the plumbing, I'll be a new woman in another five.

(whispers) Just trust me, please?

(Bossa Nova music playing)

This. Changes. Everything.

(theme music playing)

♪ 'Cause it's all good ♪
♪ It's all, all, it's all good ♪
♪ Uh-huh, yup, it's all good ♪
♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh, it's all good ♪
♪ 'Cause it's all good ♪
♪ It's all, all, it's all good ♪
♪ Uh-huh, yup, it's all good ♪

Oh, my God, this smells amazing.

Like wandering through an English garden after a summer rain.

"Threesome Slam."

Yup. This definitely Julia's bathroom.

Who else knows about this?

No one.

I only told you.

It can be our secret.

Thanks.

I may sound like I'm exaggerating, but this really is the single greatest gift anyone has ever given me ever.

Wow, really?

Well, I mean, this is nothing.

Wait till you see what I got planned for Christmas.

(chuckles)

I mean, I have gotten jewelry, -plane tickets, a car...

Yeah, I'm just gonna quit while I'm ahead with just the one bathroom.

But an empty bladder and the confidence to drink a Big Gulp... That, Kevin, that is a gift.

Well, good. You know, I'm... I'm happy to have given it.

Let's enjoy it.

Oh, my God.

This is warm. Lean against this with me right now.

Your butt will never be the same.

(both moaning)

More wine?

No thanks.

Okay, girl, it's almost 2:00 p.m. and that's only your second glass.

What's wrong?

I don't want to talk about it.

TV: Bye, everyone!

I'm just really annoyed at Dev.

He spends so much time on his stupid doctor stuff and the rest of his time on his DJ playlist, but he doesn't spend any time on me.

Like, on top of me.

It's classic doctor DJ behavior.

I don't know how much more I can take.

I know I'm usually not very vocal about this, but I have needs.

Girl, I hear you.

You know, I once dated a shaman who put his career before me.

He thought it was his mission to heal the world.

Ugh. So selfish.

Yeah.

So, I threatened to break up with him.

Suddenly, he's all about me 24/7.

We did so much Ayahuasca, he thought he was a blowfish and almost drowned in the bathtub.

(sighs) It was really spiritual.

So, you think I should thr*aten to break up with Dev?

Oh, up to you.

I'm just saying, you know, men only respond to one thing... Emotional manipulation.

Pour me some of that great idea juice, girl.

There's my girl.

Keep goin'.

Both: (giggling)

Both: Mmm.

(Bossa Nova music playing)

Whoo!

(giggling)

Both: Awww.

Both: (giggling)

(gasps)

Audrey: (giggles)

Kevin: Wow.

I'm so happy you're doing this for Kevin.

God, I'm so sick of hearing him whine about his bed.

It's just like when we were kids.

You know, in fifth grade, he dislocated his pinky playing catch with my dad... Whined about it for months.

Damn! Your dad must have an arm on him.

Oh, no. The ball was on the ground.

Kevin's pinky bent backwards when he picked it up.

(laughs) Stop it right now.

That's... that's the funniest thing I've ever heard.

Oh, it gets better. For, like, a year after, whenever anyone would ask him to play catch, he would lie and say he had a heart murmur to get out of it.

Both: (laughing)

(phone rings)

Well, now look who it is. Hello?

Brian.

Kevin, is that you?

I can't hear you over your fake heart murmur.

(laughs)

Did Roxie tell you that? It's not fake.

It's self-diagnosed, okay? There's a difference.

Anyway, I just... (laughs) Something kind of amazing happened at work today with Audrey.

Oh, yeah? You guys kiss?

Nope.

I found a hidden bathroom.

Where you guys kissed?

No. I just told Audrey about it and now the two of us know about it.

It's actually kind of romantic.

(Classical music playing)

(birds chirping)

(giggles)

Ah.

We really bonded over it.

It's like we have a thing now.

(door slams)

Hey, what are you doing?

(hardware clattering)

Hey, what are you doing?

Stop! That's not right!

My life is over!

Kev, I gotta go.

What happened?

Girl...

Roxie: What happened?

I told Dev I want to break up with him and he agreed with me!

So, now we're broken up.

Got any other great mind games for a doctor who takes everything at face value?

Ugh! I can't believe this.

That's never happened before.

God, it's like he's rational or something.

I know! I hate him.

This can't be happening.

We've been together for over two whole weeks.

I can't start over now!

Aww, my poor Patti Cakes.

-That was Devy's sexy-time name for me. -Aww. Come here.

(sobbing)

No, don't go.

I need you.

Get comfortable, girl.

I do sad hard.

What about long?

Do you do sad... long?

That's cool.

I'll... I guess I'll go buy the little felt circle things that go underneath the feet.

(sobbing)

Aww, poor girl.

(door closes)

(Classical music playing)

(birds squawking)

(laughing obnoxiously)

This. Changes. Everything.

(zipping)

Bad news.

Ricky knows about our bathroom.

This sucks.

Kevin?

I don't know how he found out.

Unless he already knew? But we were so careful...

Kevin, I told Ricky.

What? Why?

I'm so sorry. I had no choice.

Audrey: Earlier this morning, I snuck into Julia's bathroom to restock the soaps and I made sure no one saw me.

Or so I thought...

What were you doing in there?

I was just check...

Did Julia ask you to go in there?

No. I was just...

What are you hiding?

Nothing. I swear.

I don't even know what you're talking about.

Oh, I think you know.

I think you know lots of things... and I'm not leaving... until you tell me all the fun little things that I think you know.

(squeaking)

I had to tell him. He gets crazy when he's out of the loop.

You know how he lost it on Simon when he found out he got rid of our Saturday mail pick-up.

This can't sit in the outbox until Monday.

How am I supposed to get Grown Ups 2 if I can't return Grown Ups 1?

I don't know.

I think you know.

I think you know lots of things...

Well, if Ricky knows, it's only a matter of time before everyone else does, too.

He said he wanted to start interviewing bathroom attendants, so... yeah, it's safe to say he's going wide with it.

(sighs)

I'm so sorry, Kevin.

I know it's a huge bummer.

No, it's okay. You couldn't help it.

I'm sure everything will be fine.

Bathroom passes start at $10!

Fast pass works out to just $.46 an evacuation!

Well, it's official...

I'm gonna die alone on my baby bed.

I'm sorry, Kev.

I... I tried to finish the sofa, you know?

But Patti made it into some sort of... cry nest.

No more sharing inside jokes with Audrey, no more sneaking around, no more special connection.

Dude, is... is this... still about the bathroom?

Okay. Um...

I don't mean to judge... but that's some crazy-ass stuff you're talking about right there, Kev.

Brian, the...

The secret bathroom just gave us something to share.

It was an opportunity to... to connect, and the more opportunities you have to connect, the stronger the connection.

Oh, okay. I'm with you now.

Nope. I lost it.

Um, I'm back to thinking you're a freak now because it's dirty, man, and not in a good way.

Think big picture, okay? It's not about the bathroom.

Just trust me, okay?

We... we had some good momentum and now it's gone.

Okay. So, if it's not about the bathroom, then go find your momentum somewhere else, somewhere cleaner without drippity drops on the floor and where people don't courtesy flush.

Do you know what? You're right.

Psh.

I don't need a bathroom.

I don't need any room. We work together.

There will be plenty of opportunities to connect with Audrey.

See, now that's... That's the Kevin I know.

Never giving up hope, never showing signs of progress.

Whoo-whoop!

Eight... nine...

56... 57...

We have a problem.

We do?

Yeah.

You know how Patti hasn't left our living room since she broke up with Dev?

Yeah.

She rigged her cry nest with a hot plate and mini fridge.

Well, I couldn't stand to see my best friend hurt like that, so I paid Dev a little visit.

And good luck finding another girl as awesome as Patti!

She can talk her way into first class, she can curse in six different languages, and she can spot a fake handbag, body part, or personality from a mile away!

Whoa!

What the hell are you doing?

Exploring all my options with the fairer sex.

(gasps) You're gross!

You're not gonna mention this to Patti, are you?

Oh, no.

Someone needs to teach that pervy DJ doctor a lesson.

Yes. I knew you'd agree with me.

You're so awesome.

Well...

Thanks for kicking his ass.

Huh?

Call me when it's done!

No, no, I wasn't talking ab...

Damn!

Hey, so did you hear they... They want us to partner up for the... For the meeting tomorrow?

Yeah, I heard that.

Cool.

So, are you and me doin' our thing?

Oh, sorry, Ricky already asked me, so...

Oh, he did? Oh. Are you sure?

Because... you and me make kind of a good team, don't you think?

The lady said no. She's already got a partner.

Now move it along.

This is my desk.

Hm...

I'm here on behalf of Patti.

You crossed the line hitting on her best friend.

Now, you're a bookworm, so you might not know better, but as a DJ, you most certainly sh...

Listen, I...

No, you listen.

Roxie doesn't want anything to do with you, okay?

She's far too fun, and special, and... cute.

Wait, didn't you say you're here on behalf of Patti?

Yeah.

But just then, you just said a bunch of nice things about Roxie.

Did I?

Look, I thought I'd make Patti jealous and she'd come back to me if I hit on your girl.

My girl?

No. Roxie... Roxie's not my girl.

But you just got all up in my face about her.

Did I?

So Roxie's not your girl.

Nah, I mean... We... we have fun together, and she's obviously adorable, and... we have our love for... for Kevin in common, but, I don't have any special feelings toward her.

TV: (dramatic music playing)

I can't authorize this.

It's a security breach.

Man...

I really believe it's a security breach.

I mean, damn, that girl can act!

Oh, no.

Dev... you may be awful at handling the emotions in your own relationship... but I think you're right on the mark with mine.

Then tell her.

Don't make the same mistake I did with Patti.

I can't.

That would be a breach in my friendship with Kevin and I can't authorize that.

So now what?

Our ladies go on living without us while we just sit here sipping our lovely time tea?

Hold up, Doc. Look... just because I can't act on my feelings, doesn't mean you can't act on yours.

I think it's time to put Patti back in your rotation.

A DJ and doctor reference.

Very cool.

You think I can't spot a fake?

Excuse me, guys. Excuse me.

Thank you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Kevin, I'm gonna have to ask you to go to the back of the line.

Ricky, please.

You wouldn't even know about this bathroom if it wasn't for me.

Ha!

Don't take credit, son.

Audrey's the one who couldn't wait to tell me all about it.

Wait, what? No. She told me that you caught her in the act and you interrogated her.

Psh! Hardly.

Hey, I have something to tell you.

Okay, here's the deal. Julia has a secret bathroom in the office, behind her painting of her cat Rutgar.

Santa's elf Rutgar?

No. Cinco de Mayo Rutgar.

This is big.

Who's in the loop?

Just me and Kevin.

Oh, that's why you two have been giggling so much.

Nope. That's over now.

Oh. Bathroom!

I can't believe she told you.

Well, believe it.

If you'd like to purchase a pass good for whenever Julia's out of town, you may do so when you get to the front of the line.

But I'm...

Now, if you'll excuse me.

I have some Super Flush members to attend to, huh?

Next!

Audrey?

Hey, uh, so... here's a funny thing.

I just spoke to Ricky, who told me that he didn't interrogate you at all.

You just kind of told him about the bathroom.

That's crazy, right?

It's complicated.

Can we talk about it after the meeting?

I don't know. It seems kind of simple to me.

We agreed to keep something between us and then you just told.

Okay. Yes, I told Ricky.

It seemed like the easiest way for us to stop tip-toeing around the office because should two cubicle-mates really keep a secret from the rest of the office?

Cu... cubicle-mates?

Yeah.

I mean, keeping the bathroom between us made us no better than Julia, and we don't want that, right?

Right. Right.

Yeah, we don't want to be anything like Julia.

Right. Okay. Let's go.

Inner Demon Energy.

On the go, at the gym, wherever you need that wicked afternoon boost.

Embrace your inner demon.

Okay. First up, Lingonberry Lucifer.

It's bold, yet refreshing.

Thoughts?

Not sure. I'm just too busy thinking about the long bathroom line I'm gonna have to wait in after I drink all of these. Yikes.

Audrey: Ricky... what do you think about the Hibiscus Hellmouth?

It's spicy, yet welcoming.

(gasps) Like a Latin mother.

Ooh, I like that!

Yeah, the Watermelon Warlock sure tastes like he can really keep a secret.

Hmm...

It's subtle, but I taste that too.

Grape Gargoyle tastes like maturity without the bitterness of dwelling on the past.

Did you finish the bed?

I emotional build.

(knocking)

What is he doing here?

Trust me, okay?

Oh, hello. Sorry, I forgot your name.

I'm doing great. I've completely moved on.

Coconut water?

Let's give these two some privacy.

Who finished the sofa bed?

Roxie: Come on.

Was it you?

I never wanted to break up with you.

I never wanted to break up with you.

I just wanted attention.

I didn't really know how to get it.

I'm new to relationships.

I never meant to neglect you.

Who knew balancing surgical and musical responsibilities would be so time-consuming?

Look, from here on out, I'll devote more time to you. I swear it.

Careful.

You've already taken the Hippocratic oath and the oath to jam.

I don't know if you should do a third.

Then how about I do something else, Patti Cakes?

We're such a healthy couple.

Wait, so the only reason that Dev hit on me was to get Patti back?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, that is so romantic.

Thanks for making sense of this, Brian.

You're a great friend. Seriously.

The only useful one Kevin's ever had.

Oh, yeah, no.

That... that's cool. I appreciate that coming from my best friend Kevin's little sister, who I do not need to hug.

I'm gonna go check on those two.

(bed squeaking)

Patti: Ooh, my two turntables found a microphone.

Nope. Mm-mm.

Well, seems like we're gonna be stuck in here.

Might as well get comfy.

Can you turn around? I'm gonna change.

Okay.

(humming)

Oh, my God.

This... You dropped something.

Okay, I'm done. You can turn around.

Nah, that's... that's cool.

I'm... good.

I'm good.

Excellent presentation. Really, really great.

Really great. And great product, too.

You know, it just clears your head.

I feel like I can see better.

(elevator dings)

You wanna get that mole checked out.

Thanks.

Audrey!

Kevin.

Hi.

So I actually wasn't done talking to you yet.

No, I was not.

(clears throat)

Why did you really tell Ricky?

I told you why.

Can we stop with the bathroom secret now?

It... it's over.

So you didn't have fun in there?

(elevator dings)

In a bathroom?

Well, fun's a stretch, but okay...

So, you didn't like sharing an inside joke or sneaking around together bonding...

Just the two of us... You didn't like that?

Kevin, I'm sorry.

But I'm not looking for things that bring us closer together.

And that's why you told Ricky.

Yeah. Sharing a secret with you didn't feel right.

It... it felt like I was cheating on Brock or something.

I... I don't know why, but it did.

I know why. I know exactly why.

Because you like me.

And honestly, it doesn't even matter if you admit it, because you do.

I know that's how you see things, but I don't.

We may have bonded over a bathroom, but it was a bathroom.

Yeah, today it was a bathroom, tomorrow, it'll be something else, and the next day, it'll be something else because that's what happens when you're meant to be with someone... You keep having these moments that bring you closer together.

And you can try, Audrey, but you won't be able to avoid them forever.

Okay, you know what, Kevin?

You don't know what you're talking about.

(car honks)

Audrey!

(yelps)

(both gasping)

Patti: Kevin! Can't you knock?

My new bed.