01x10 - Team Kevin from Work

(sighs)

Welcome back, Kevin.

FYI, it's sample day.

The conference room is humming with pudding right now.

Nice.

Mm-hmm.

Good to be back.

Oh! Only one per employee.

You already had yours.

Oh.

I thought with your head injury, your system couldn't handle pudding.

You can get yours, Audrey.

Banana's the best. Kevin had that.

No thanks, Ricky. I'm not in the mood today.

Hey, what's her deal?

She hasn't even looked at me.

Is she upset that I'm looking for another job?

I assume that you told her as well.

Yes, I did.

But no, she doesn't care.

Oh.

She's upset for a mystery reason.

But my network is all over it.

Shondra said that yesterday Audrey was really happy, and she had a new manicure and haircut.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

That's it? That's the whole thing? No details?

She got it done at the pricey place in Encino by the guy who looks like Pax Jolie-Pitt.

Okay.

And yesterday, Ned said he saw her speaking on the phone in a very animated fashion.

And yet, this morning, She came off the elevator and was hardly cheery.

It's gonna be a hot one today.

If one more person says that to me, I'm going to smash their face in the copier!

And Alice said she threw a small silver object in her top drawer yesterday.

Unclear what it was, but I'm guessing oyster fork.

Okay, so we've got a secret silver object, a good mood, a bad mood, and a haircut.

It's very clear what's going on here.

What?

I have no idea. You've given me nothing.

(theme music plays)

(scoffs)

♪ Because it's all good ♪
♪ It's all, all, it's all good ♪
♪ Uh-huh, yup, it's all good ♪
♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh, it's all good ♪
♪ Because it's all good ♪
♪ It's all, all, it's all good ♪
♪ Uh-huh, yup, it's all good ♪

Something's up with Audrey and Brock.

I was snooping around her desk the other day, and found something very interesting.

Ooh, a pregnancy test with a plus, like, really clear?

No, a mystery ring.

Two dolphins touching noses.

But Ricky thinks it's way more than that.

The dolphins may say swimming in paradise, but her behavior says trouble in paradise.

Maybe I should make a move?

Jeez, do you never learn?

I mean, you've had endless humiliation with this girl starting with that letter, and now what's the latest thing? You pull her away from a moving car?

God, if you can't get a girl to like you after that, I don't know what to tell you.

Move on to men, maybe?

I don't know, I'll keep thinking.

Well, I'm gearing up my body for the move to Italy.

Woke up 15 minutes ago and a full-bodied Chianti is about to be my breakfast.

Let's not get ahead of ourselves. I might have a reason to stay.

What?

Yeah, Audrey. He's back on it.

Ooh, you should join a cult!

I mean, you have to share women, but some's better than none, right?

Wait a minute, I thought we were as good as gone?

I mean, I looked into housing already.

When you say "looked into... "

Yeah, like, I... put the deposit down.

It's an old bell tower, you know?

I figured that you and I would have a blast ringing that sucker, so...

Guys, I have been offered the job in Italy, yes, but I haven't taken it yet.

I bet I can buy a couple of days before I have to officially accept it or not.

So, you know, maybe I mysteriously lost my passport?

Wait a minute, I thought Audrey wasn't even talking to you?

For some reason...

Stay away from my brother.

So Audrey did come to the hospital.

How did you know about that?

Oh, I thought you were Kevin.

No, no. No, no. I'm just here to pick up his homework.

Well, his work to do at home.

It's not called homework. I know that.

Um, is there a guidance counselor I can ask about this?

How is he?

I assume it's okay to ask you.

Roxie only threatened me about not talking to Kevin.

Hmm?

She has a boyfriend, Kevin.

I told her to stop messing with you, because nobody mistreats my brother but me.

She cared that I was hurt. This... this... this is huge!

I mean, and now there's potential trouble with Brock?

I should definitely be making a move. Brian, what do you think?

I... I was actually really looking forward to moving to Italy.

But, this is huge for you.

And it kind makes living in a bell tower look a little silly.

It looked a little silly anyway.

But I know, I'm just trying to justify the hasty deposit, Kev.

But you got my back on this?

If I have a shot, I need to take it now.

Man, you know I'm always Team Kevin.

Okay, okay, stop, stop! This is crazy. Okay?

I won't let you make a move until we know for a fact what's going on with Audrey and Brock if you want to keep that little bit of micro-pride that you have left.

So, you really wanna do this?

I have to.

Okay.

Well, you know, I'm Team Kevin, too.

Can I get a "K"?

K.

K.

Can I get a "E"?

E.

E.

Can I get a V...

Okay.

It's "Kevin." We know how it ends.

Daddy, this restaurant is sublime.

Thank you for inviting me. I can see why it's your favorite.

Of course, sweetheart.

Now...

And you look faboo. (Chuckles)

Now, Patti, I want to talk to you about something serious.

Anyway, I think I'm gonna get mine to go.

Excuse me.

Patti, sit.

I'm concerned about you.

You're living your life like that crazy pear-shaped girl who's always naked on HBO.

I want you to embrace adulthood. I want you... to get a job. Something you love.

But what can I do that involves long scented baths, shopping, "Real Housewives," and tapas?

I don't know.

But, if you don't do as I ask, I'll be forced to cut...

Don't.

You off.

Don't. Don't.

Don't!

I'm sorry, sweetheart, but it's for your own good.

Oh, Kev, you're finally home.

Team Kevin has this so under control, it is not even funny.

Yeah, nothing funny about this.

No, it's cool, huh?

I got the idea from my show.

We always uncover a setup like this when we catch a stalker.

Not that we're calling you a stalker.

Right. Because I'm not.

Because you guys put this together, not me.

Oh, look, she got takeout, and then she recycled the containers.

You can tell 'cause it's the same containers.

Okay, um...

So, later, I'm gonna meet with Brock, Roxie's gonna meet with Audrey, we're gonna report back what we learned.

Right, in the meantime, I am going to hold off the Italians until I have enough info to either stay or go.

Don't worry, Kevin. We're gonna figure out what's going on with your girl.

Yeah.

"My girl."

I could get used to the sound of that.

The stalkers on our show always say the same thing.

Yeah, but not as creepy.

Thanks for coming here.

I just need to take my mind off getting a job.

Well, this is the place to feel better.

There's always someone worse off than you at the mall.

I know, people here look so sad.

Like, they're dead and going to heaven in slo-mo on the escalator.

(laughing)

Oh, god, send that one to the down escalator.

Excuse me, can I help you?

No way. You'll turn me into the ghost of Christmas 1985.

What is that eye shadow?

She said it was retro chic?

It's retro making my skin crawl.

And the monkey in Lion King has a more skilled hand at applying it.

Here. Move, sister.

You have a beautiful face.

But we need to emphasize the "wow" aspects, and hide the "whoa" aspects.

What are you doing?

Everything you couldn't, sunshine.

You're basically translucent, so we need to add some color to your skin.

You're like see-through, like a Ziploc bag with eyes.

Like, I almost didn't see you. It was just eyes and teeth.

Like an ice cube, but like, not as dark.

Yes. Yes.

Excuse me, you don't work here.

No, I'm just letting off some steam and trying to prevent the mental breakdown of this woman.

With some contouring and some neutrals, I'll make her human again.

Do you want to work here?

"Want" is a strong word, but I'll take it.

(gasps)

Hey, fellas.

Um, I'm Brian.

Um, I'm interested in joining your group as I too, practice in the ancient martial art of jiu-jitsu.

Welcome. You're just in time to grab a partner.

We're working on under-arm collar chokes.

That's awesome.

I'mma join him.

I pick the blue pill.

All right, man, go.

You better get outta here, man.

Ooh, I'll Matrix the hell outta you.

Hey, I'm Brian, what's up?

Brock.

Nothing.

Cool, I hear you.

So, how's it going with the ladies?

It's going.

Say no more.

(whistle blows)

Or say more.

(grunting)

Oh, no. Are we really doing this?

Yeah.

Ah, damn.

I just wanna apologize for getting involved where I shouldn't have at the hospital.

You know, it was none of my business, and I was harsh.

Thank you.

But actually, I thought about it a lot.

And maybe I... have been flirting with Kevin.

I guess, I like the attention, I'm embarrassed to say.

Girl, wanting attention is not embarrassing.

Not getting is.

Have you not been getting attention from your boyfriend?

It's complicated.

Oh, girl, you should talk to me about it, because when it comes to men, my specialty is complicated situations.

A lost passport is a complicated situation, I'm afraid.

Take as long as you want.

I mean, I don't even mind if I have to call the people who hired me and tell them that I need a little more time to get everything in order.

Sounds like you don't want to go?

I don't know.

It's about a girl.

Are you okay, honey?

Are you okay, man?

Oh, it seems unfair that a man gets to use his feet like that, I gotta say.

(grunting)

Come on, brother.

You want a Power-Quench?

I think they sell the red kind, and the blue kind.

And the orange kind!

Nah, I'm good.

Okay.

Great.

Are you good, though? I mean...

You know, you seem like you got a lot of anger in you.

It's probably related to that girl though, huh?

Not again!

Maybe I've matured out of our college relationship, and Brock hasn't.

God, I...

Both: Can't believe I'm telling you all this.

No, we're glad you are, honey.

We haven't had a romantic story pass through here in forever.

Forever was never meant to be with Brock.

I need someone who brings something more to the table.

Someone who gets me. It was good I did what I did, right?

Why? Wait, what did you do?

We're on a break.

(both gasp)

A couple days ago, Brock told me he had something special planned.

I thought we were going to my favorite place he never wants to go to.

Which is?

The bluffs at the beach.

Which beach? Which bluffs?

The hidden ones off Temescal by the cliffs.

You can see forever from there, and just think about stuff.

I thought he was planning something special, but...

Thanks for walking to the store with me.

I didn't realize I was low on whey powder and protein powder.

(accordion music plays)

Babe?

Uh-huh?

Oh, my god...

Are you getting down on one knee right now?

Not for this.

It was a promise ring.

Oof.

And before that, I got a "we're exclusive" bracelet.

And before that, one of those heart necklaces in two pieces where each person wears one.

"True love"?

"Best friends."

Oof.

Yeah.

I just thought I would be planning my wedding by now.

But, I guess it's time to wake up and realize he's never going to make the commitment I want.

(sighs)

I need to move on.

Oh, that's okay, baby girl. Come here.

So, really, I'm just a nice guy who wants to come out on top for once.

(women sighing)

(phone dings)

Oh, my god.

She finally broke up with her dumb boyfriend.

(laughs)

I gotta go pick up my friend Brian and get this baby rolling!

Rip up those forms, Fran! It was all a fake!

I don't even need a passport anymore!

Well, normally, deception is frowned upon at the passport office, but, good luck, Kevin Reese Daily, good luck!

Okay, girlfriend, we are about to take off, time to check those bags.

Loves it.

Ladies, I'm afraid we're finished for the evening.

Please bring your basic faces back tomorrow at 9:00 A.M.

Thank you.

You shouldn't come back tomorrow, you know.

Of course not. But my daddy's forcing me.

No, I mean, you are so good, you should have your own makeup line.

Really?

Why work for the man, when you can work for yourself?

With the financial backing of a different man?

Okay.

I'm proud of myself.

Oh my god, Brian!

Oh.

Hey, Kevin.

You okay?

Yeah. Yeah.

(whispering) I can't feel my legs, Kevin.

Hey, Brock.

I didn't know that you would be here.

Brian never said anything about hanging out with Brock, did you?

Oh, hey.

Yeah, you work with Audrey.

I do, yeah. And I heard you guys broke up.

What?

Yeah.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Yeah, me too.

I really wish I heard about it before I got my ass kicked.

Well, hey, look, I'm no relationship guru, but hey, maybe it's for the best?

Really?

Look, there comes a time in every man's life where he's gotta move forward.

Maybe that time for you is right now.

(scoffs)

You sound like a men's magazine.

(laughing)

You know 10 new sexual positions to keep a woman satisfied, too?

(laughs)

No.

Well... thanks for the advice.

I'm gonna go think about that.

(winces)

That was bold, Kev.

Well, couldn't help it.

Gotta go big or go home.

Let's start off by going home, 'cause now I can't feel anything below my chest.

Okay. Let's get you...

Don't touch... Don't touch it.

I didn't touch it.

No, no, no.

I can feel it, I can feel it! Don't.

Hey, is Julia looking for me?

No, no, no, she's also late.

There's a raccoon in her driveway, and she's scared to shoo it away, so Ricky's over there now.

Hey, are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.

Just... stuff with Brock.

We're not exactly together at the moment.

But I thought we'd talk last night, and he never called, and now I can't get ahold of him.

It just goes straight to voicemail.

Oh, really?

He must have turned his phone off because I can't even track him on my Find My Friends app.

Well, I'm sure that he'll resurface.

I mean, he's probably just thinking things over.

You know, there's... there's a lot to mull.

Why? What do you mean?

Nothing. It's like a generic thing that people do.

It's what we do as people.

It's what separates us from the apes.

Excuse me.

Maybe not. Okay.

(shutter clicks)

Everything she likes, right here.

It's perfect.

Now, I already knew that she loved all things blue, and that she's kind of obsessed with going to Morocco someday, but there's some other helpful stuff in here. For instance, she really likes these Hemsworth guys.

Now, what can we do with that?

Probably nothing.

Well, I picked up a ton of useful information when I went out with Audrey.

Her favorite movie, song, champagne, hair-removal method.

That girl is fast and loose with the deets when she is drunk.

Well, I found out Brock really can break a board by kicking it.

And I think I blew out my meniscus.

Oh.

Sorry.

So, you're gonna drop off a note for her telling her where to be and when, right?

Yes, yes, with that dress. You're buying it for her.

I'll take care of it.

No, no, no.

Kev, I said I'll take care of it.

I have your credit card information memorized.

Hmm...

Do you mind if I start before your dad gets here?

You just relax.

You don't want any of these red ones, do you?

Patti, sweetheart.

And?

Richard, but I go by Ricky, a nickname I picked up in business school.

Oh.

From where were you graduated?

Oh, I didn't achieve a degree, per Se.

I dropped out to follow Destiny's Child on tour. Per Se.

Uh, Ricky has been helping me with my journey here, Daddy.

You talked someone into being your driver again, didn't you?

No, sir. Her makeup journey.

Your daughter is brilliant with a compact.

And in fact, she was the one who drove me here today, where she was also brilliant with a compact.

You got a job putting on makeup.

Good for you, sweetheart.

Now, she's ready to take it to the next level.

My own place, where women can transform into their best beautiful selves.

Why should your daughter work for a sliver of the profits, when she can have the whole pie?

Hmm?

(all laughing)

(chokes)

(muffled) I'm good, I'm good. I'm good.

Okay.

Oh, thank you, Daddy!

Thank you, daddy.

The red ones are mine.

Okay.

Her favorite champagne is on ice, the twinkly lights are on, the right color peonies.

Thank you guys for setting this all up.

Who dragged the Moroccan rug out there? That is a nice touch.

He did.

Yeah, but, she told me to fight through the excruciating pain.

And you made the delivery, right?

Yes.

One anonymous note, and one dress delivered.

Look, I really appreciate everything you guys have done.

I know there have been a lot of ups and downs with this whole Audrey situation, and you've stuck with me.

So, thanks.

Look, I thought the chances were slim. Gotta be honest, but... looking good right now, man.

You are! This is happening!

(phone rings)

That you?

Yup.

It's the Italy people again.

Hello?

Ciao, Signore Greco.

I've thought a lot about your offer, and...

I have to pass.

I think I need to be here.

Okay, thank you, so much.

Arrivederci.

Hakuna matata.

(all laughing)

Oh, Kev!

♪ Don't ask me what you know is true ♪
♪ Don't have to tell you ♪
♪ I love your precious heart ♪

You ready, my man?

Yeah.

♪ I was standing ♪

Go get your girl.

♪ You were there ♪
♪ Two worlds colliding ♪

Wait, what's that?

Oh, hell no.

♪ And they could never tear us apart ♪

Kevin: Is that Brock?

Roxie: What is he doing here?

Look, there comes a time in every man's life where he's gotta move forward.

Maybe that time for you is right now.

Time to move forward.

♪ We could live for a thousand years ♪
♪ But if I hurt you ♪

Thanks, granny.

♪ I'd make wine from your tears ♪
♪ I told you ♪
♪ That we could fly ♪
♪ 'Cause we all have wings ♪
♪ But some of us don't know why ♪

Kevin: He's at the bench that I found with my champagne and flowers, and the blanket that I put there because I know she's always cold.

(Roxie gasps)

Brian: Oh, buddy, don't look.

♪ I was standing you were there ♪

Kevin: And the ring that I inspired him to go get.

I told him to move forward.

♪ And they could never, ever ♪

Well, that's it.

♪ Tear us apart ♪

My last chance with Audrey.

It's over.

(engine starts)

This... This was perfect.

And this dress is incredible.

Yeah. Where'd you get it?