01x08 - Primal

♪ Da, da, da-ba-da, da, da ba-da-ba-da-ba ♪
♪ Da, da, da-ba-da, da, da ♪

Let's go.

♪ We'll be there ♪
♪ a wink and a smile and a great, old time ♪
♪ yeah, we'll be there ♪
♪ wherever we are, there's fun to be found ♪
♪ we'll be there when you turn that corner ♪
♪ when you jump out the bush ♪
♪ with a big bear smile ♪
♪ we'll be there ♪

[Click]

[Whirring]

Mmm. [Laughs] Lay it on me, sweet internet.

[Chime] Advertisement? Aw, boo.

Oh, hey. You want to watch that baby sloth video again?

Was that a no?

Announcer: Wednesdays at 9:00, Do you have what it takes to answer the call of the wild?

Badger does. [Grunts]

He's been answering that call every day of his life and has now mastered the art of survival in any terrain.

Forest, desert, tundra ... Badger's conquered them all.

Drop him into a new territory, and he's like a kid in a dirt and snake-filled candy store.

Wow!

He's the real deal, grasping life, kicking and fighting, living the way mother nature intended.

Today, most of us are unable to function out of the confines of our comfy, air-conditioned homes.

Pathetic. [Whimpers]

Is this really the fate mother nature intended for us? [Beeping]

A normal life may be comfortable and clean, but does it really have what the beauty of nature can offer?

[Bubbling]

Badger: [Australian accent] The wilderness is my home, sweet home.

I wasn't born on this Earth just to stay alive.

I was born to be alive. [Chomps]

Announcer: "Badger in the Wild."

Will you answer the call?

[Hawk screeches]

[Marching band plays]

[Echoing] Will you answer the call?

[Hawk screeches]

Hey, bro, you want some microwavable dumplings?

They're fresh.

Ice Bear putting finishing touches on your turtleneck.

Grizz, Grizz, is everything okay?

No. Everything is clear.

Come on, you slowpokes, the picnic area is this way.

Grizz, remember, after this, you said we could get some froyo.

Ice Bear needs more bug spray.

[Laughs] We made it!

Wait. What do you mean "we made it"?

Where are all the picnic tables and benches?

I'm glad you asked, buddy, 'cause ... surprise!

We're not having a picnic.

And we're completely lost.

Grizz, what the heck, man? I'm gonna starve!

Ice Bear comes prepared.

Ooh!

No. That's cheating.

Away! No more processed snacks for us, gang.

We'll be living off the land, just like mother nature intended.

Ice Bear will never share again due to gravity.

Dude, whatever. I'll just use my phone and ... Aah!

[Laughs nervously] Grizz, where's my phone?

Panpan, would you just look around you.

Nature provides everything we need, like this twig.

It has all the nutrients to help us survive.

[Chomping]

Mmm. Delicious.

Come on, Grizz, this isn't funny. Let's just go back home.

Guys, trust me. This is where we're meant to be.

Just breathe in that fresh, mountain air, would ya?

[Inhales sharply] Ah-choo!

Ice Bear will not bless you.

Together, we will follow in the footsteps of our primal ancestors, face every obstacle that stands between us [As Badger] and survival.

[Hawk screeches]

I don't think we're getting out of this.

Ice Bear will miss yoga today.

So are we men, or are we bears?

Bears.

Bears.

Bears!

[Music]

Yes!

Uh, why is this "yes"?

Guys, this is nature seeing if we have what it takes to be a part of the wild.

Let's prove that nothing can stand in our way, because we are...

Both: [unenthusiastically] Bears.

[All chomp]

[All spit]

[All chomp]

[All chomp]

[Ants skittering]

[Both spit]

Ouch.

Aah, aah, aah! They're on me, they're on me!

Don't worry, guys.

Ow! My eyeballs!

[All screaming]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Who-o-o-o-a!

Panda: There's ants in my mouth!

[All grunting]

Bears win!

So, who's hungry?

Ha!

Hang tight, guys. Dinner's coming.

You know, gonna grab us some salmon real quick, and we'll be good to go.

[Groans] So hungry.

Water feels great, guys. Feel free to take a dip.

Oh, you know what would be awesome right now?

Really feeling alive over here!

Lasagna.

Lasagna.

[Groans]

[Laughs] Oh, yeah, there it is.

No.

Ha! There you are.

Yeah, that's definitely not a fish.

[Groans] If we survive this, I want to splurge and go to a fancy restaurant.

I'm gonna order dumplings, but I want them to make the dumplings really big, like bigger than any dumplings they've ever made before, so that I can hold it like a baby.

Yes! We can stuff one dumpling in another dumpling, and then that dumpling in another dumpling, and then another dumpling, and then another!

And then I'll eat that dumpling, and then I'll be the dumpling!

[Screaming]

[Exhales sharply] Keep it together, Panda.

Aha!

Ah!

[Scratches]

[Stomach grumbling]

Oh, so hungry!


[Hand drums playing]

Huh?

[Sniffing]

[Gasps] Campers.

Oh, my gosh. Food.

[Exhales sharply] Okay, I'll just have one bite and head back into the wild.

Distraction.

[Leaves rustling]

[Grunting]

All right, I only need the tiniest bite to survive.

[Chomping]

Oh, it's so delicious! [Chomping]

[Singing falsetto]

♪ So close, yet so far away ♪
♪ please, froyo, stay for one more day ♪
♪ one more day of delicious froyo ♪ [Roars]

♪ please, froyo, don't you go-yo ♪

[Trailing off]

♪ you're just too tasty, froyo... ♪

[Sniffing] Wha?

♪ I love you, froyo! ♪

[Warbles] Wha?

♪ tastes so good! ♪

Hey. Hey. What's that?

[Bass-heavy pop music plays]

Uh, what, what?

♪ I love you, froyo ♪

Froyo! [Laughing maniacally]

Yes, yes. Rejoice.

Yes! [Laughing maniacally]

[Chomping]

Wait! My bros! Oh, I forgot all about them!

They must be starving by now.

[Whip!]

Yeah, what's up?

Hey, you, get away from our food! [Screaming]

I'm just trying to be a good brother!

[Breathing heavily]

Whah!

Ooh! I'm gonna eat it all! Every flavor!

[Gasps] Tropical bamboo splash!

[Gasps]

Hey, no cutsies! Back off!

[Both roar]

[Laughs maniacally] Oh, so cl... [Both growling]

Phew! So, you guys hanging in ther...

Guys?

Panpan? Bros?

Sorry if I left you alone. Hello?

[Growls]

Where are you guys?

Ah. There you are.

I'd recognize that old tushie anywhere.

[Growls]

Whoa, man. You don't look so hot.

[Roars]

[screams]

[Roars]

[Both growling]

You guys, that's enough. Come on, stop fighting!

Uh...

[Both panting]

[Whimpering]

[Both growl, roar]

[Screams]

[Both growling]

[Whimpering]

Get away, get away!

[Panting]

[snarls]

Huh?

That's it!

Oof!

[Whimpering]

[Both growl]

Brothers, to me!

[Whimpers]

And right behind her was a monstrous demon bear!

Excuse me, sorry.

Huh. That wasn't so bad.

[Both roaring]

[all screaming]

No, no, no, no. Hey, no! [Screaming]

Come on, now, guys. Be good, be good.

Oh, stop that, please! This isn't our car!

[Screams]

No, no, no, no. Hey, no.

Get off. We're moving. No, no, no.

Guys. Guys, please. If we keep moving, we're gonna ...

[Screams]

[Tires screeching]

Get off!

Ah! We're almost there!

[Screams]

Hey! No backseat driving. [Screams]

[Tires screech]

Keep going, we're gonna ... [Screams]

[Slow-motion screaming]

[Tires screech]

Welcome to Burger Boy. May I take your order?

[Roaring]

Okay, so I got one veggie boy burger, one fish boy sandwich, extra mayo, and one double meaty patty boy.

Would that be all for you today?

[Roaring]

$16.34 at the second window.

Thank you for the fast service, ma'am.

[Tires squeal]

[Beeps]

Welcome to Burger Boy.

[Thumping]

[Engine shuts off]

[Slurping]

[Chomping]

Man, Burger Boy always puts the perfect amount of salt in their sweet potato fries.

Hey, so, uh, you guys feeling okay?

All good?

What are you talking about?

Do you know what he's talking about?

Bros, I'm sorry I tried to turn us into something that we're not.

Now let's get back to our version of the wild, where fish come in stick form and there are froyo cups as far as the eye can see.

Ice Bear is okay with this.

Gizzly: Yeah, I'm just gonna have one fry, Pan... [Roars]

Panda: Excuse me. [Laughs]

I love you guys.