01x16 - Panda's Sneeze

♪ Da, da, da-ba-da, da, da ba-da-ba-da-ba ♪
♪ Da, da, da-ba-da, da, da Let's go! ♪
♪ We'll be there ♪
♪ a wink and a smile and a great, old time ♪
♪ yeah, we'll be there ♪
♪ wherever we are, there's fun to be found ♪
♪ we'll be there when you turn that corner ♪
♪ when you jump out the bush ♪
♪ with a big bear hug and a smile ♪
♪ we'll be there ♪

[Buzzing]

[Music]

[Sneezes]

[Sneezes]

Uh, one pepperoni and... a spring blossom.

Man: Do you want anything to drink?

Um, do you have anything orange?

Hey, check this out.

[Chuckles]

So... what do you think?

Huh? What do I think, what?

My thing here. I've got this great plan to change my image, to look cooler, man.

Just gonna lean against everything I see.

Hmm. Leaning against things make you look cool, huh?

How do I look?

Eh, I don't think it's quite working for you.

Maybe you're too... cute?

What!? I'm not cute!?

Hey, man, it's okay to be cute.

Everyone's got their thing.

My thing is being cool. Hmph. And you, you're cute.

And he ... he's, um... whatever.

Sir, your order's ready.

Ooh!

But, Grizz, I don't want that to be my thing.

Aw, man, forget about it. Just eat.

Mmm, mmm.

[Baby Panda sneeze]

Oh, excuse me. Oh, man. [Sniffles]

I guess it's allergy season.

Dude, that was the cutest sneeze ever.

Stop saying that I'm cute!

[Baby Panda sneeze]

Oh, bless you.

That was such a cute sneeze.

[Groans, baby Panda sneeze]

[Laughs] Panda sneeze ... cute!

[Grumbles] I'm not cute.

Bro, your sneeze was straight up adorable.

Stop! I'm not cute! You think that was cute?

Oh, come on, man! I'm not cute!

[Baby Panda sneeze]

[shutter clicks]

That was adorable.

Man #1: Let me see! Let me see!

Woman #1: Oh, man, that's the cutest thing ever.

Man #2: Oh, my gosh. Did you see how cute that was?

Woman #2: Um, yes, I just saw how cute that was.

Aah... aah... Aah! I'm not cute!

Where you going, man?

[Electricity crackles, whirring]

[Clang!, whirring stops]

[Groans]

[Sniffles] I hate allergies. Oh, thank you.

[Inhales deeply] Ahh...

[Baby Panda sneeze]

Grizzly: What? This can't be.

Oh, my! [Gasps]

Pan! Panda!

Panda, you gotta see this! Oh, sorry, dude.

Panda, t-the achoo!

The sneeze, they filmed it!

Panda: Huh?

[Baby Panda sneeze]

It's huge! It's trending all over the internet!

People think you're the cutest thing ever.

Ice Bear is proud of you.

But I don't want to be the cutest thing on the internet!

I don't want to be known for this.

This isn't who I am. Thi... wh... huh?

Uh, yeah, of course Panda will come take photos and sign autographs! Okay, thanks! Bye!

[Cellphone beeps]

Whoo-hoo! Panda, you're gonna be the most famous, cutest bear ever! [Whiffling!]

[Baby Panda sneeze]

[Baby Panda sneeze]

[Flash clicks]

[Panting]

Excuse me, uh, sir, there's ...

Nom Nom: Uh, wait.

Almost... there it is! [Laughs]

Oh, I'm so good. Bravo, Nom Nom.

Sir, uh, s-something's ...

It's all about the subtlety.

You can't just throw the cute into people's faces.

Sir, something's trending.

What are you going on about?

It's the top video today, sir. The views are off the charts.

I didn't release a new video today.

You didn't, sir.

[Baby Panda sneeze]

[Both gasp]

He's good.

[Chuckling] Please! This is just a fad.

By tomorrow, this thing will be another lame piece of internet obscurity.

It better be.

[Upbeat music playing and cheers and applause]

Welcome to the show. I'm Tom.

And I'm Kate.

Now, who likes cute animals?

Oh, I do, Tom.

[chuckles] Well, of course. We all do.

Adorable animals are taking over the internet, and we have two of them with us here today!

Please welcome our guests, Nom Nom the koala, and Panda the panda.

[Cheers and applause]

Aww, thank you, guys.

The pleasure's all mine.

Smile!

First up, what do you say we start with the sneeze heard around the world.

[Baby Panda sneeze]

All: Awwww!

Don't you just want to hug him? [Laughs]

All I do is hug that gorgeous bear!

Well, uh, I've got an announcement! Everyone's been asking, "Hey, Nom Nom, when's your new video coming out?"

Well, the answer is right now.

Oh! Okay, let's take a look at Nom Nom's newest video.

[Sneezes]

[Giggles]

Stop recording, you ...

Man: Oh, sorry.

Huh.

Hey, Nom Nom's totally copying Panda's video!

[Booing]

Chill, people! I didn't ... I didn't steal anything!

Well, it's a good thing the annual Cute-off is around the corner.

Cute-off?

That's right.

Two animals enter, and one leaves with the title of the cutest animal on the web!

Well, it looks like we have our two contestants for the annual Cute-off.

[Cheers and applause]

You heard it here first, folks.

It's time to take a commercial break. Don't go anywhere.

[Groans] I don't want to be in a cute competition.

This whole thing is getting worse and worse.

You'll get use to it.

But I don't want to get used to it.

I don't want any of this.

Honestly, I wish I never sneezed at all.

Really? Hmm...

I have an idea. Why don't you join me in my limo for some refreshments after the show?

Um, okay.


[Car doors shut]

I'm gonna cut to the chase with you, Panda.

We want different things. I want to be number one again.

You want out of the cute game, and back to your cool-guy life, yes?

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, so, how do we solve this dilemma?

Um... I don't know.

You let me win.

If you throw this fight and lose, everything will go back to normal.

Finally, this nightmare will be over for both of us.

Hmm, you really think that could work?

Oh, yeah, it'll work.

Just remember the plan ...

I'll be cute, and you'll be... what?

Cool?

Exactly!

Do we have a deal? Yeah!

[Cheers and applause]

Nom Nom swag! Get your Nom Nom swag right now!

Panda merch! Guys, come over and support the cutest bear around.

Front row! I'm glad we lined up three hours early.

Dude, our little Panda's gonna be out there all on his own.

I mean, is this what mothers feel like? There's a lot of people here?

Oh, I hope he's not nervous.

[Cheering]

Marie: Welcome, everyone, to the national Cute-off!

It's starting! It's starting! It's starting! Shh, shh!

Whoever fills up their cute-o-meter first will be crowned the cutest animal in existence, and we'll be throwing in a shiny trophy to boot!

Now, without further ado, let's welcome the king of the internet, Nom Nom!

[Camera shutters clicking and upbeat pop song plays]

♪ gonna dance all day and have some fun ♪
♪ here we go, let's hang some more ♪

Nom Nom's already off to a great start, but it might take more than that to defeat the upcoming sneezy sensation, Panda! [Hip hop plays]

[Rapping]

♪ yeah, here it comes ♪
♪ uh, so real ♪
♪ so fresh ♪

[Silence]

Whoo-hoo! [claps]

[Beatboxing]

[Rapping]

♪ my name is Panda ♪
♪ I am a Panda ♪
♪ I'm a Panda... bear ♪

[Silence]

[Person coughs]

[Chime!]

Marie: Well, okay, Panda's starting off with something a little unconventional.

I guess you never know what people find cute these days.

♪ here we go, let's hang some more ♪

[Cheering]

[Chime!]

[Gasps]

[Cheering]

Huh?

[Chuckles]

Hey, what's going on? Why aren't you doing your cute thing?

I don't want to be cute, I want to be cool like you.

Listen, man, cute is what makes you cool.

That's why all these people came to see you.

Do you really think I'm cool?

Man, you got famous on the internet!

You got on a talk show. You are the coolest!

Ice Bear thinks you're precious.

Aww! Thanks you, guys.

[Sniffs]

[Baby Panda sneeze]

[All gasping]

[Sniffles]

[Cheering, camera shutters clicking]

[Chime!]

Marie: He's done it! He's won over the audience!

Could this be the turning point for our sniffily superman?

[Cheering]

♪ I know you're thinking like a big man ♪

[Cheering]

♪ walkin' in like you step off the bottom ♪

[Baby Panda sneeze, cheering]

[Chime!]

♪ so, stand aside and face it ♪
♪ 'cause I got mad game ♪
♪ gonna squash you in a burning flame ♪

[Baby Panda sneeze]

♪ step off of ya ♪
♪ step off, fool ♪

Yee!

♪ step off of ya ♪

Aah!

[Baby Panda sneeze]

[Chime!]

♪ you ain't nothing, you ain't cool ♪

[baby Panda sneeze, chime!]

♪ and I'm gonna crush your business ♪
♪ 'cause I'm old-school ♪

Water!

♪ step off of ya ♪

[baby Panda sneeze]

♪ step off, fool ♪
♪ step off of ya ♪

[growls] You big dummy!

# step off, fool #

You had one job to do!

You were suppose to lose! Looose!

[Fwoop!]

[Baby Panda sneeze]

[Cheering]

[Chime!]

[Baby Panda sneeze]

[Baby Panda sneeze]

[Sneezing normally]

[Cheers die down]

Oh, no! Achoo-choo!!

Hua-achoo-blblbl!!

Ew, not cute.

Blbl-achoo-choo!!

Oh, no.

Blaak!! Blblblugh!!

Blaaaak, blblblbl!!

Yehoo!! Yehoo!! Achoo!!

Uh, you guys aren't cute at all.

I'm out of here.

No, wait!

I'm still cute! Look! Look! I can sneeze, too!

Hey, watch! Achoo!

Huh?! Clap for me so I can win!

Clap for me! [Single clap] Oh, he clapped!

He clapped! I win!

[Laughs crazily]

[Whirring]

I am the cutest!

[Groans]

There he is. There's our cute, little Panpan.

You did good, bro.

[Sniffles] Thanks, man.

Ice Bear is still proud of you. Proud bear.

Let's go home. [Sighs]

Hey, cool lean, bro!

Yes, yes, it's all mine. Aah! Get away! Yes, it's mine!

I won it! It's mine! It's mine, yeah!

Yeah, you better leave!

Oh, shh, there, there. I won't let anyone take you.

[Whirring]

What the?! Who's there?!

Huh?!

Back again, you loser bear?

You can't have my trophy! It's mine!

[Whirring]

[whimpering]

Aaaah!!

What do you think you're doing! Put me down!

Oh, my trophy! Why?!

[Robotic] Cutest!

No, stop! Aah!!

Aaaaaah!!