01x01 - I Seem to Be Running Out of Dreams for Myself

[bunniefuu]

[piano playing]

[people chatting]

Thank you, Stan. You're too kind.

Stan, has anyone ever told you that you bear an uncanny resemblance in profile to the Duke of Windsor?

No, I haven't heard that, Mr. Blunt.

Oh, I'm surprised. You have his mouth.

Have you ever studied that era, Stan?

No.

Wally Simpson was perhaps the greatest woman of the 20th century.

Why is that, Mr. Blunt?

Because she was an American divorcée who almost became Queen of England.

Nearly brought down the whole f*cking House of Windsor by herself.

[chuckles] Well, I did not know that.

Edward, the Duke of Windsor, he gave up his throne for her.

She was strong.

He was weak.

Total mess.

That was a fascinating and dangerous time.

They were very friendly with Jimmy Donahue, the Woolworth heir.

Jimmy was a somewhat erratic h*m*.

[laughs]

One time in New York, Jimmy was shaving the... sex organs of a soldier and by mistake he lopped off his balls.

Left the poor fellow like an orphan by the Brooklyn Bridge.

A soldier? Oh, I don't like to hear that.

My father served.

Oh, yes. Poor, poor lad.

But he made it to a hospital and it cost Jimmy's mother a quarter of a million dollars, which is not enough for having lost your testicles.

But in those days it was.

Well, it was the Depression.

Quite. Supposedly, though, Jimmy could be very charming.

Unless you were a soldier.

[chuckles]

Mr. Blunt. I saw your show tonight.

Thank you.

You may be the only one who did.

[groans]

Are you all right?

I'm fine!

I just need to adjust my mask.

It keeps on slipping.

[cracks]

All better now.

Stan, where's Harry?

I don't know, Mr. Blunt.

Mr. Blunt. Why don't you stay and have a cup of coffee?

Mr. Daniel Craig and Mr. Jeffrey Katzenberg are just finishing their dessert.

Oh, dear Jeffrey. One of the good guys.

Give him my regards, but I'm going home to beddy-byes.

Would you like Stan to call you a car?

I am concerned.

I'm okay, Phil.

Don't forget, I am Walter Blunt.

Right here, right now.

[music playing on radio]

♪ I see right through it ♪
♪ I go by Duke and it's a pleasure to meet you ♪
♪ You're digging what I got 'cause I gave you a preview ♪

♪ You're not on my level, I can make you my equal ♪
♪ She say I'm willing to learn ♪

♪ I'm able to teach you ♪
♪ Get the number ♪
♪ And I know how to reach you ♪
♪ Miss Cindy, she's a sexy little thing ♪
♪ Miss Cindy, she's a sexy little thing ♪
♪ Miss Cindy, you're a sexy little thing ♪
♪ Miss Cindy, you're a sexy little thing... ♪

Get the f*ck off of me. f*cking loser.

Go snort some coke, you f*cking idiot.

Excuse me, miss.

Is everything all right?

Yeah, you want a date?

I beg your pardon?

Lower the shitty-ass music.

[radio turns off]

I said do you want a date?

Are you a lady of the night? A courtesan?

Look, I don't know what you're talking about, okay?

I'm a goddess and I'm a f*cking model.

Now do you want to go on a date with me or not?

Sure, I'd like to go on a date.

[sighs]

Hi.

Hi.

Just go down a few blocks. I know a good spot.

Would you like some whiskey?

Or marijuana chocolate? I have both.

Slow down, baby. Look, we should probably talk business first.

Do you know what type of girl I am?

Well, you said you were a goddess and a model.

I'm a transsexual.

Do you know what that means?

Oh, yes. I was at the US Open in '77 when Renée Richards made her debut.

But I would never have guessed that of you, which I hope you don't mind me saying.

No, it's okay.

Most people just assume I'm a biological girl, or whatever that means.

Ah.

And does that mean that you have an intact penis?

Why don't we just say I have a nine-inch clit?

Does that bother you?

No.

I'm English.

Okay, so what do you want to do?

Um, might I nurse on your breast?

Things have not been going well for me at work and at home and... to suckle would be a great comfort.

You just want to kiss on my titties?

Yes. That would be lovely.

See there?

No implants.

Just au naturel.

Titties grown from hormones and healthy eating. [Chuckles]

The world has changed so much.

May I?

Sure.

Oh. Lord, the seat belt.

Oh.

[laughs]

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't ask.

What's your name, my dear?

Gisele.

I know we've only just met, Gisele, but I like you very much.

Thank you for being kind to me.

I like you, too.

[siren blares] This is the LAPD!

Oh, no. Walter, I got to make a run for it.

I can't get arrested. My mom will freak out.

[police radio chatter]

No Gisele!

[grunting]

Hey! Come here!

Officer: Put your hands on the car.

Hey, you're being too rough.

We have a celebrity and a prost*tute resisting arrest.

You're hurting my arm.

Let her go, Officer.

Stand down, sir.

Put your hands on the car.

Ow!

Hey.

Don't f*cking touch me.

[grunting]

[electricity crackles]

Oh, sh*t.

Run, Gisele. Save yourself.

[sirens blaring]

Is he all right, Officer?

On the ground now!

[tires squeal]

[brakes squeal]

Get off the car, Mr. Blunt.

No! Everyone go away!

Mr. Blunt, you have to get off of that car.

You are in serious trouble.

I will not get down.

I need Harry!

Sweetheart, just get down. They'll sh**t you.

Gisele, I'm so sorry you had to witness this.

We did nothing wrong.

I know, baby. Just please get down.

It is time to get down from the car, Mr. Blunt.

Whoa! Hey, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, who's that?

Hands up! Hands up!

Major.

You seem to have found yourself in a spot of bother.

Harry, there you are. Where have you been?

I was passed out on the backseat, sir.

But you better get down from there. You're surrounded.

It's the Falklands all over again, Harry.

By land, by sea.

Mr. Blunt, get down from the car.

I don't feel well, Harry.

I ate some chocolate marijuana and it's starting to kick in.

My feet are vibrating and my thoughts are odd.

I have told you edibles are dangerous, Major.

You have to think of them as time-release vitamins.

Take very little.

"O Gertrude, Gertrude," when sorrows come, they come not single spies, but in battalions!"

Mr. Blunt!

This is not the audience for "Hamlet," Major.

It's not?

♪

[reporters clamoring]

Is it true that you sent a policeman to the hospital?

What will this mean to your career?

Do you have the prost*tute's phone number?

Have you spoken to any of your wives?

I have not spoken to any of my ex-wives.

This is the benefit of divorce.

When you've been arrested, you're not expected to call.

Mr. Blunt, how old was the prost*tute?

Are you an American citizen?

Harry.

[sighs] You just have to face them, Major.

Rally the troops and all that.

Thank you, Harry.

God, my bloody head is k*lling me.

Do your best, Major.

I'll be in your office consulting with our commanding officer.

[chatter]

I haven't dared look at my phone. How bad is it?

It's a shitstorm, Walter.

You f*cked yourself real good.

You're getting slammed from every direction.

"New York Times," O'Reilly, Anderson Cooper.

Martin?

Here's the full quote from O'Reilly's radio show this morning.

"This Brit who had the audacity to come to the US" preaching to us about the death penalty and immigration, flouting his credentials as a former Royal Marine wounded in the Falklands is a..."

Did he say Falklands sarcastically?

Uh... his tone was, um, dismissive.

[growls] Go on.

Going on.

"...is a moral imbecile and a sexual degenerate."

God. [Sighs]

What did Anderson Cooper say?

He's always been a nice lad.

Read it, Shelly.

Anderson Cooper did a four-part tweet.

"Walter Blunt's sexuality is not the issue here."

The issues are drunk driving, the as*ault of a Los Angeles policeman, and most horribly, the corruption of a minor "[whispers] forced into prostitution."

Gisele was a minor?

Well, no, but that's out there now. I mean, she's actually 21.

Which means, and this is positive, she started puberty years ago.

I started puberty when I was 11, which was a nightmare.

I was in a little yellow school skirt...

So, Gisele is 21. That's wonderful.

That's nearly a 50-year age difference, Walter.

With a prost*tute. What the hell were you thinking?

Can I just be relieved for one moment that she's not 16?

I'm... I'm so sorry, everyone.

I'm exhausted.

Jail was ghastly.

And, as you all know, I don't like to share a loo.

We understand. We all have bathroom issues.

Yeah, I don't even like to share a loo with myself.

But I have to.

Right, what's the situation internally?

Well, Gardner said they're either looking to cancel the show, which with our ratings they'd be looking to do anyway, the bastards, or suspend you.

But what about tonight? We can broadcast tonight?

You have a meeting with Gardner in 20 minutes, but he's probably just gonna yell at you and fire you.

Jim, do you think you could not be pessimistic just for five minutes?

I'll try.

So, I'm gonna shower, change my clothes, face Gardner, and we are going to turn this around.

Walter, I'm really worried.

I think this might be the end.

Look, I know I have let you all down.

But please don't quit on me.

Not yet.

I need you.

[grunting]

[panting] Oh, Major.

Just 10 more lashes, Harry.

My hangover is nearly gone.

And don't forget the dialog.

Come on.

You've been unclean, Major!

[screams]

Very unclean!

[screams]

A naughty... [screams] ...naughty... [screams] ...boy!

[screaming continues]

"O Gertrude, Gertrude, when sorrows come they come not single spies, but in battalions!"

Mr. Blunt...

On top of everything else you pulled last night, you managed to stand on the roof of your vintage Jag.

How high were you?

I know it looks bad, Bob.

But I beg you, let me on the air tonight.

Let me plead my case to the American people.

No. Why should I?

Because I have given you the last five years of my life.

I don't care, Walter.

You are facing felony charges.

Your ratings have been sh*t for months and your frontal lobes have turned to raisins.

All that's left is your accent.

Just because a man's ratings slip doesn't mean his frontal lobes are dissolving.

What if I... What if I had a priest absolve me on air?

Are you still drunk?

Rabbi?

Seriously? You are the face of this network.

I'm going to take your billboard down.

No! No.

Bob, how about... what if I gave you my Jaguar in exchange for one more broadcast?

I've seen the way you look at her in the parking lot.

Gardner is letting me on the air.

Bullshit. I don't believe you.

Why? He's a perfectly reasonable man.

We had a good talk. But they need me to see a shrink for insurance reasons.

If you want, I know how to mislead therapists.

My dad's a Gestaltian.

That won't be an issue, Jim.

They think my frontal lobes are sh*t, which is ludicrous!

I mean, only yesterday I did the "Times" crossword.

And it was a Thursday.

Celia: Walter, I'm afraid I've got some more bad news.

The cop that you kicked has ruptured testicles.

Does that mean he can't have children?

I don't know.

What happens to testes when they've been shattered?

Do you think it's like cracking an egg?

It's weird 'cause eggs are quite like testicles.

Somebody Google ruptured testicles.

I'm on it.

I'm on it.

Okay, tonight's program.

I think we have to address what happened.

I think we should get Barbara Walters to interview me.

I cry easily. She'll love that.

She'll never do it.

Charlie Rose.

You snubbed him at the White House Correspondents' Dinner and he sent an emotional email.

Oh, God, yes. You're right. David Frost.

Dead.

sh*t.

Walter, ruptured testicles can cause infertility.

God.

They'll say I castrated a policeman.

[sighs]

Walter, do you want to spoon?

Yes. That would be very reassuring. Thank you, Rosalie.

Walter, could I spoon with you this time?

I mean, I am a senior producer.

It would be inappropriate.

Rosalie has been with me for 20 years.

[whispers] Course. Sorry.

But what are we going to do?

If only we could get Oprah to make all this go away.

Walter, I believe in you absolutely, but you're just gonna have to go out there on your own.

Let me stimulate your intellect.

[gasps] I've got it!

I don't have to be alone out there.

I'll have Walter Blunt with me.

I'll do a self interview.

I will get the exclusive on my own scandal.

Oh!

Yes, Martin?

Will you talk to yourself like a ventriloquist?

You know, with your hand inside a little Walter?

No, Martin. We'll split the screen, we'll tape the questions beforehand.

Major, the network psychiatrist is in your office.

Wants to see you. He's on the clock.

Damn it. Start preparing the questions.

And someone make sure that my lawyer has sprung Gisele.

Walter. Walter, are you sure you want to do this whole self-interrogation thing?

I think it just might make you seem a little crazy.

No, no, I see it as a vision.

My two selves talking like a Buñuel movie.

Mmm.

No, my biggest concern is fatigue.

I'm totally f*cked.

Here.

Take these.

It's Provigil.

What's Provigil?

It's a kind of speed. It's very effective.

I used to be wildly addicted.

But, um, I'm better now. Sort of.

Oh, well, thank you. I've always enjoyed uppers.

All right.

[grunts]

Sorry.

That's no problem.

Do you always bring your own couch, Doctor?

Yes. I'm a Freudian.

So, what's going on? What happened last night?

To be frank, I'm drinking more than I should.

Recently divorced for the fourth time.

There are custody issues.

We have a five-year-old boy.

And how old is your ex-wife?

She's 35.

That's very nice.

And what else may have contributed to last night's behavior?

Uh, I think, um... oh, I'm sorry.

I'm feeling a bit woozy, Doctor.

Probably stress. Or oral anxiety.

Oral anxiety?

Could be.

What were you going to say?

It's just that...

I'm very, very frightened I will lose my show because I think I will be one of those people who just drops dead when his work is taken away from him.

Like Joe Paterno at Penn State.

Uh-huh.

And I feel my life slipping away from me like a cat that doesn't want to be held.

A cat? Not a dog?

No, a cat.

Seem to be running out of dreams for myself.

I'm so...

So tired.

Sleepy.

♪

Harry: Major? Major?

Wake up. Major, you've got to get up.

It's been an hour. You've slept enough.

[coughs]

What's going on?

I was having the most vivid dream about Burt Lancaster's "Trapeze."

Oh, I love that movie.

Drink this, Major.

What happened to me?

I'm so sorry, Walter. I really... I screwed up.

I gave you three Ambien and not three Provigil.

I went for the wrong pocket.

Usually I keep my Ambien in my right and my Provigil in my left. [Laughs]

Three Ambien?

Hey, look, it's nothing to worry about.

It's not a lethal dose.

And, you know, I let the network know that you're fit enough to broadcast.

Doctor, thank you.

Walter, you need to go into the studio and tape your questions right now.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Showtime!

These questions are too timid.

I'm going to improvise my interrogation.

Thanks, Sam.

No need for the prompter.

Oh, sh*t. He's going rogue.

Okay, thank you, darling. Why don't we record my emotional responses first?

Then they can play when I'm talking live.

Bill, are you ready?

Yes, Mr. Blunt.

♪

Anger at self.

Disgust with self.

Empathy.

Coquettish.

Mild shock.

[gasping]

[coughs]

What happened?

You passed out again from the Ambien, Major.

Oh. But I have to tape my questions.

You did.

I did?

Yes, you don't remember?

You were very, very hard on yourself.

I was?

Ah. I must have been in an Ambien blackout.

The doctor thought you might need this to wake up.

Oh, what's that? Cocaine?

Yes.

My God. He really is a Freudian, isn't he?

Harry, we have to make another appointment.

Look how young and fit we were.

Yes.

Then all the youth of England were on fire.

I'll... I'll test this for you, Major.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

[snorting]

[exhales]

The ratio of cocaine to speed is just right, Major.

Have at it.

Thank you, Harry.

What would I do without you, Harry?

What would I do without you, Major?

[snorting]

[exhales]

[in childish voice] Please, sir, can I have some more?

[laughs]

♪

Good evening. Welcome to Blunt Talk.

I am Walter Blunt.

Tonight we have an unprecedented broadcast.

[sniffling]

Why is he sniffing like that?

I'm sure you're all aware of last night's incident when I was arrested on a number of charges including soliciting and drunk driving.

I'm sure you all have questions.

Lets see if I can give you some answers.

Tonight, Walter Blunt will be interviewed by Walter Blunt.

♪

Good evening, Walter.

Good evening.

Hit the first question, Jim.

My first question...

This is crazy.

Was the beautiful young woman with whom you were arrested a minor?

Absolutely not.

No, that is a spurious and slanderous rumor.

She is 21 years of age.

She can vote, she can drink, she can drive.

She can... well, she can do many things.

Do you think it would be fair to say that you have been sexually out of control all your life?

Well, I... You see...

I have been sexually out of control all of my life.

Why?!

I don't know.

Why?!

I...

I don't even know what sex means anymore.

Why?!

I've lost my way. You know that.

Why?!

Please, stop.

Stop making him say why. Throw him a softball.

Sorry.

You shattered the testicles of a police officer.

How did this happen?

You see, I believed I was under att*ck.

But I will give that officer half a million dollars in compensation for his injuries.

Now, in the '30s, the Woolworth family gave a quarter of a million dollars to a soldier for a set of lost testicles.

What the hell is he talking about? Next question.

...but half a million seems fair.

How should you be punished for what you've done?

Isn't drunk driving the equivalent of attempted m*rder?

m*rder?

Answer the question.

Whatever punishment they determine, I will accept.

But I want to say this to the American people...

Walter!

No, Mr. Blunt, I will not be bullied by you.

After the Falklands w*r in which I lost men, I vowed never to stop fighting for what is right.

And it is for this reason that I joined the Fourth Estate.

I became a journalist.

Yes, I know I faltered because of ego and possibly oral anxiety, but I am not ready to leave the b*ttlefield because I am no lion in his winter.

I am an eagle in the spring.

Yes, a bald eagle if you like.

And so I ask you, the American people, to forgive me.

And to allow me to keep fighting for you and to wield the most powerful w*apon there is.

The truth.

[crew gasps]

Oh, my God!

[murmuring]

Out the way.

Major. Major.

Major?

Don't leave me!

♪

Major!

♪ When I awoke I felt the call to go ♪
♪ Those places that I never thought I'd go ♪
♪ I spent the time to see which way to walk ♪
♪ But now that road just crumbles as I talk ♪
♪ So don't let the ones ♪
♪ That want to steal your dreams ♪
♪ They'll steal your dreams away ♪
♪ Just laugh and let it go ♪
♪ Don't let the ones that want to steal your dreams ♪
♪ They'll steal your dreams away ♪
♪ Just laugh and let it go ♪
♪ Don't let the ones that want to steal your dreams ♪
♪ They'll steal your dreams away ♪
♪ Just laugh and let it go ♪