01x06 - Goodnight, My Someone

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Blunt Talk...

Jim: These are great, Walter.

When my eldest son was little, I used to do them for him at bedtime.

Your son the boxer?

Yes.

Rafe the boxer.

Walter Blunt!

Hey!

Walter: You can call me Dad, Bertie.

Walter Blunt is for the public.

Jewish politicians are really funny.

Is that a joke?

Walter, do you want to spoon?

That would be very reassuring.

Could I spoon with you this time?

I mean, I am a senior producer.

It would be inappropriate.

I have loneliness issues. Intimacy issues.

Anxiety issues. Promiscuity issues.

Harry: How is your magician?

Celia: He disappeared.

Magically?

No, he went back to his wife.

Celia: And I don't know if I'm having some sort of weird reaction, but gambling feels better than sex.

I can't believe my magician gave me fake pearls!

Forget the damn pearls, Celia. Just run!

♪

[doorbell rings]

Hello, Harry.

Where's Walter?

I think my problem is that I'm not a real person.

I feel like I'm walking around inside myself.

Like I'm in a costume.

Hey, don't worry. A lot of people feel that way.

I mean, I've been stuck in the same costume for 23 years.

Oh, dear. I'm sorry to hear that.

No, it's okay.

But what in your mind makes a person real?

If you're able to love.

I see. But this isn't about your gambling, is it?

You're a romantic.

I guess so.

Do you want to know something pathetic?

Each night before I go to sleep, I say, though I know no one can hear me, "Good night, my someone."

Isn't that from The Music Man?

Yeah, my father used to sing it to me at night.

I've always thought the someone is the person you haven't met yet but is out there somewhere.

♪ Good night, my someone ♪
♪ Good night, my love ♪
♪ Sleep tight, my someone ♪

♪ Sleep tight, my love ♪
♪ A star is shining ♪
♪ Its brightest light ♪
♪ Oh, good night, my love ♪
♪ Oh, good night ♪

[screams]

Rafe?

Oh!

It's good to see you, son.

It's good to see you, Walter.

Dad.

Call me Dad.

Are you okay?

[voice breaking] Yeah, no, I'm fine.

Celia.

You're up, Jim.

How much is the old man paying you these days, Harry?

That's between me and the major.

Don't make trouble, Rafe. He's had a rough spell.

Oh, yeah, I saw him on YouTube performing Shakespeare on the Jag.

Well, Harry, doesn't the boy look good?

Yes, Major.

Did he fill you in?

He's fighting tomorrow night.

Yes, Major.

It'll be good to see you in the ring again, Rafe.

Been too long.

That's right.

Oh, does he have power! [Chuckles]

Oh, Lord.

Harry lets me have an egg once a week.

Can you believe that?

I'm on a strict gruel regimen.

Oh, my heart bleeds.

You're a regular Oliver Twist.

Harry still tucking you in at night?

Rafe, be a good lad.

It's all right, Harry.

I know you're still mad at me, son.

But I've missed you.

And I would like this cold w*r to be at an end.

So what do you say?

Detente?

I'm here, aren't I?

So, what's the scouting report on your opponent?

A young Mex heavyweight named Hernandez.

Part of Golden Boy.

He's on the way up. Called El Toro.

Oh, I like that.

The Tower of London versus El Toro.

So how long have you been training?

I haven't. Got the call two days ago.

I'm subbing in for a Brit, Galloway, who came up lame.

I heard of Galloway. A southpaw.

Yeah, well, they needed another Brit 'cause all the posters have the Union Jack on, so... whew, whew, here I am.

And who will be in your corner?

Oh, they'll probably assign me some wet-brain.

All I need's a bucket.

Rafe.

Could I be in your corner?

Do you have a bucket?

Oh, yes.

Then you're in.

All right!

And now entering the ring, fighting out of Fresno, California, the Tower of London!

Hey, maybe we could get matching silk robes made.

Royal purple. "Blunt" across the shoulders.

I'm not wearing any bloody Liberace robe.

Right. Well, it was just a thought, you know.

Hey! [Grunts]

Don't throw a punch unless you mean it.

[laughs]

Mwah!

I can't get my magician out of my mind.

When I'm in traffic, I look over, hoping he's in the car next to me.

I look for him everywhere.

You got it bad, but I understand.

He was sexy.

He had teeth like a wolf.

[sighs] I should just give up on men.

I have sex too easily, and then I always go for the ones who disappear.

Oh, and alcoholics. That's my other speciality.

Listen, don't give up on men.

They have a wonderful stink.

They carry luggage.

And when you have a firm cock in your hand, all the sh*t they put you through feels worth it.

That's true.

You just have to wade through a lot of idiots until you find the right idiot.

Like my beautiful Teddy.

I have a new crew since you were here last, Rafe.

Except for Rosalie, of course.

Good old Rosalie. She deserves a medal.

Yes. I was thinking of having my senior staff over for dinner so that you can get to know them.

And maybe Vivian would let me have Bertie.

Oh, I'd love to see the little one, but I don't want a dinner party.

Oh, come on. Harry and I have been looking to entertain more.

I wanted to remind you, sir, that your office loo is not available.

Ah. Do I need to tinkle?

Rafe, do you need to tinkle?

No, I don't need to tinkle.

Mr. Blunt.

It is an honor to meet you.

I am very excited to be on your show tonight.

Tonight?

Yes, I'm with the UN.

I lead the commission on genital mutilation.

Oh.

You're interviewing me.

Emanuel Kendall.

Yes.

Oh, it's wonderful to meet you.

So, you did need a tinkle.

Emanuel, this is my firstborn Rafe.

He's a champion boxer.

Rafe, this is Emanuel Kendall. He's with the UN.

Working to eradicate genital mutilation.

Hello, Rafe.

Rosalie, the prodigal son returns.

Hello, handsome. Been a while.

Hello, gorgeous.

I have to dash. I've got to go yell at Gardner before he leaves for the weekend.

Will you be around later?

Yes, all day.

And we're having a dinner party at my house tonight.

I'll be there. Mwah.

[Chuckles]

Are you peckish, son?

Do you need a snack to keep your strength up?

Yeah.

I'll be in my office. Make yourself at home.

Walter.

Do we have an appointment?

I'm here for work.

That's good. You're functioning.

And I saw that you installed a bidet in your bathroom.

That's gonna help you with your a**l anxiety.

I thought I had oral anxiety.

You have both.

Oral and a**l.

I'm not surprised.

[groans]

Can you open this jar of herring?

Is this another Jewish joke?

No, I really like herring.

Harry turned me onto it. It's brain food.

Well, don't listen to Harry.

Remember, he's the one who set you off on this gambling spree.

That's over now. That's why I'm seeing Dr. Weiss.

sh*t.

Oh, sh*t.

sh*t!

Right, sometimes...

Don't get herring all over the floor.

Don't... don't worry. Don't worry.

[straining]

sh*t. That's a... that's really well-sealed herr... herring.

Here, let me try.

Good luck.

Oh!

Who are you?

Did you just install Mr. Blunt's bidet?

Yeah, yeah, I did.

I specialize in VIP bidet installation. Do you need one?

Rafe, the major wants you in his office.

Wants you to meet his analyst.

Harry, do you know this man?

Yeah, this is the major's son Rafe.

See ya.

I could have opened that, but I have hyperhidrosis, so my hands kind of self-lubricate.

What?

I have wet hands all the time.

May I come in?

Uh, Celia.

Yeah, sure.

Oh, bloody hell.

Does everyone have a shrine to him?

Um, yup. That's... that's part of the job.

Right. Hello.

What's this?

That's my, um... very long... handkerchief.

We have made tremendous progress the last few years raising awareness about the more than 125 million girls and women who have been cut against their will.

Shocking. It's something that is probably very hard for my viewers even to fathom.

Well, my goal is to raise awareness.

Male circumcision, while culturally more accepted, is also considered by many to be genital mutilation.

Really? You see, I'd never considered that.

I suppose it was vanity on my part.

I wanted my two sons to be like me, and so they were circumcised.

What are you talking about, Mr. Blunt?

What you're talking about.

Uh... [laughs] but you're not circumcised.

Yes, I am.

But I glanced at you in the men's room.

It's just a nervous habit.

And you are definitely in possession of a substantial foreskin.

You're wrong.

I'm kind of an expert.

I don't quite understand why you would deny this.

I'm not denying!

[chuckles] This is absurd.

Um, we'll now take a commercial break.

[news jingle plays]

Rosalie, I need you.

Who booked this lunatic?

What is he talking about? I'm circumcised, aren't I?

Walter, it's been 20 years.

But I remember it was very red and very uncircumcised.

Very red?

In a good way.

Enthusiastic.

But definitely uncircumcised.

You sure?

Yes. I know these things. [Laughs]

All of those hooded penises I saw in the Marines, Harry, I thought they were circumcised.

How could I have been so stupid?

I'm not sure, sir.

But I understand.

For years I thought a tangerine was an orange.

It's because I never had a father.

Oh, I remember my mother explaining it all to me.

I must have misunderstood.

For 60-odd years.

Well, we're never too old to learn something new, Major.

But now pull yourself together.

You have both your boys tonight.

Yes, you're right.

I must put all this nonsense behind me.

But you know, Harry, you could have told me that I was uncircumcised.

It did not occur to me, sir, that you needed elucidation on this front. But if I sense another blind spot of this magnitude, I will endeavor to point it out.

Thank you, Harry. That's all I ask.

Sir.

[crickets chirping]

[soft chatter]

All right, I just want to say how very happy it makes me to have my two sons with me.

And, of course, all of you.

Rosalie, Harry, dearest friends.

Celia, like a daughter.

And Jim, third son.

Hey, brother.

Walter: So I feel like a very lucky man.

But most importantly, I would like to make a toast to Rafe and to his victory tomorrow night.

Rafe's victory.

Yay. [Clapping]

Rafe's victory.

Yeah.

To my victory.

[chuckles]

Oh, let's dance, eh.

Easy, lad.

[music playing]

Oh, come on, Harry.

"Let's eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die."

Rafe, turn that off.

Oh, I like it.

Come on, darling, let's have a little dance, okay?

Rafe, take it easy. You've got a big fight tomorrow.

Oi, you wanted a f*cking party.

Was that the F word?

Not in front of...

In front of genitally mutilated son number two?

Fine.

Well, I think we should call that a night.

Harry, you and I will drive Bertie home to his mother.

Walter, I'm sorry that happened.

But you know how he gets when he drinks.

Yes, he gets like me.

Come on, son.

Sorry to bother you. Everyone's gone.

I was just loading the dishwasher.

Thank you. And I'm sorry.

I'm an assh*le.

No, you're not.

You just had too much to drink.

Well, that's no excuse.

I wasn't even that drunk. It's just, I don't know.

When I'm around my old man, it's like I become stuck, you know?

Playing a role.

I become a clown, an idiot.

A loser.

I haven't ruined Bertie yet, have I, Harry?

Not yet, Major.

There's still time.

Oh.

What are we going to do about Rafe?

I tried to show him how much I admire him, but it does no good.

I know, Major.

Will he ever find himself?

Perhaps your shadow has been too large for him, sir.

No.

I find this very upsetting, Harry.

I understand, sir.

Would you like a Valium or a Xanax with your whiskey?

[rattles] Oh.

Would it be unwise to have both?

I wasn't too loud, was I?

[chuckles]

You were perfect, love.

We fit nice together.

Did you just sleep with me 'cause I'm Walter Blunt's son?

[chuckles] Maybe a little.

You know, for the taboo of it.

[laughs] Oh, Christ.

But really, from the moment I saw you, it flashed across my mind, "Oh, I think I fancy him."

I knew you'd be trouble.

[chuckles]

[sighs]

I should go soon.

No.

Stay.

Please.

Okay, but I don't want Walter to see me.

I'm always afraid of disappointing him.

Don't worry about that.

When I'm around, no one disappoints him more than me.

I'm a bartender and a club fighter. I've never measured up.

I think you're wrong.

I think he is proud of you. You just can't see it.

He's so excited about watching you fight.

[sighs] But I'm gonna lose.

You don't know that.

Yeah, I do.

I'm taking a dive.

I'm here to lose.

That's why they called me.

Oh.

What round are you taking a dive in?

[birds chirping]

Walter: Ha!

[screams]

[screams]

Celia?

Rafe, what the hell is going on?

Morning. What would you two like for breakfast?

Don't... don't... don't... don't offer them food, Harry.

I want to know what's happening.

Um... well, I have, um... some issues and Rafe's been very sweet.

And, um... well, I am a senior producer, Walter.

[indistinct chatter]

So was it very red?

Was what very red?

Rafe's penis.

She's joking.

[softly] No, it wasn't that red.

[quietly] It's all set.

Got six grand on him going down in the second round.

But I can still root for him, right?

I mean, this is just to make up for the money that I lost at that poker game.

Of course it is, sweetheart.

You know, my great-great-uncle Alexander Blunt once sparred with the Marquess of Queensberry.

So boxing has long been in our blood.

The Marxist of what?

Not Marxist. Marquess.

Oh, good Lord. The Marquess of Queensberry.

He invented the rules of boxing.

Not so hard, Harry.

He also imprisoned Oscar Wilde.

So he did one good thing and one bad thing.

I have no idea what your father's talking about.

Just ignore him and wrap my hands.

Great, Harry.

[grunting]

I'm ready. [Blubbers]

Hands up. Rafe, get your hands up.

Oh!

[Crowd shouting]

[grunting]

Get off the ropes, Rafe.

Man: C'mon! Fight!

Be careful, Rafe. Run! Run away!

[bell rings]

Ref: Okay, let's break.

[crowd cheering]

[all gasp]

Hey!

Walter: Hey, ref, did you see that?

That was after the bell. What's your problem, ref?

You blind or something?

What's happening, Rafe?

Look, remember, your hands are the bread, your head is the meat.

You've got to protect the meat.

Yeah, yeah. Make a sandwich.

My head's the meat, my hands are whole wheat.

Right.

[laughs] I made a rhyme. What you think of that?

You're not being serious, Rafe.

He's nothing, this guy. You can take him.

I know it. But you've got to get angry.

Why get angry?

Because he's destroying you.

Yeah, well, that's the plan.

Oh, you're lulling him in.

Oh, that's smart. That's my boy.

You don't get it, do you?

Don't get what?

You've never seen me for who I am.

Of course I do. You're a Blunt. You're a warrior.

Would you please stop?

Would you stop building us up?

Would you stop fantasizing about me?

About the Blunt name?

Rafe.

I'm a tomato can. A bum.

They bring me in to lose.

That's how I make my money.

That's who your son is.

What are you saying?

I'm taking a dive in this round.

[bell rings]

And you know why I'm like this.

I'm sorry, Rafe.

I'm sorry for everything.

I don't care if you win or lose.

I love you.

[crowd cheering]

[bell and cheering echoing]

[crowd cheering]

Yes! That's it!

That's my boy. And a right.

That's my son! Yes!

I think you should stay the night.

No chance. Those hard-boys are already looking for me.

I'll lay low in Portland until this blows over.

Are you sure? I mean, doesn't it help at all that you got knocked out in the third round?

Are these mobsters that particular?

Yeah, they're that particular.

I'm so sorry you lost, Rafe.

It's okay... brother.

Ta-ta for now, Harry. I'll see you when I see you.

Be good, lad.

So long, Rosalie.

Take care of Walter for us, will you?

I will. I always have.

Take me with you.

I've always wanted to say that.

I'll come back when the heat dies down.

I've always wanted to say that.

I lost a lot of money on you.

Was it worth it?

I'm still not pleased about you sleeping with Celia.

But you make sure you call me as soon as you get to Portland.

Absolutely.

Thanks for being in my corner, Walter.

Dad, eh?

Call me Dad.

Listen, I've been thinking.

I could get circumcised. Then we could both be the same.

I mean, Abraham wasn't circumcised until he was 99.

That's just next year for you, then.

[sighs]

Dad.

♪

[motor revs]

♪