02x04 - Baltimore

[bunniefuu]

Allan Pinkerton was like, everybody wants to [Bleep] k*ll Lincoln.

You hold on to your panties.

Somebody asks, is the flag still there?

And Francis Scott Key is like, yeah, it's still there.

It's way [Bleep] there.

Man, I'm [Bleep] drunk.

I got to drink more.

Edgar Allan Poe, he's going from town to town, and being like, hey, what's up, guys?

You guys know about Rufus Griswold, right?

He is a holographic piece of [Bleep].

Holograms don't even exist yet, and I'm calling him a [Bleep] hologram.

[Patriotic music]

♪

[People cheering]

Hey, meatball. Oh, my God.

This is a great reunion.

Whoo!

B-more.

I'm from Baltimore.

Right.

And this place means so much to me.

How do you tell people what is Baltimore?

It's... it's like a old, comfortable shoe.

It's a little scuffed up around the edges, but don't polish that, because the... the scuff has a story.

Cheers to Baltimore.

Cheers to Baltimore.

Baltimore is crabs, Natty Boh, and old bay.

If you pay me eight bucks, I'll snort old bay, which I did last weekend.

It's Baltimore, [Bleep] Maryland.

It's amazing.

Aw, man. This [Bleep] story.

I'm gonna [Bleep] punch you in the balls with this story.

Emotionally.

Seth, take your shirt off, and open up another bottle of wine for mommy.

[Laughs]

Hello.

Today we are going to talk about the Baltimore Plot.

November, 1860.

Abraham Lincoln is elected as the 16th president of the United States of America.

He was like, these states in the south, they don't want me to be president.

And they want to secede and stuff.

So I'm gonna take a whistle stop tour to D.C., and I'm gonna wave at people.

Meanwhile, Allan Pinkerton was hired to be Lincoln's private security force.

Pinkerton runs the Pinkerton National Detective Agency.

Pinkerton starts finding out, oh, [Bleep].

There is all these threats against Abraham Lincoln.

Pinkerton put together his, like, dream team.

He's got Harry Davies, this brilliant guy who speaks several languages.

And Kate Warne, the first female detective in the history of the United States.

Pinkerton's like, everybody wants to [Bleep] k*ll Lincoln.

So they go undercover in Baltimore, in the Barnum Hotel, pretending to be Southern.

Like, how do you do, sir?

And getting intel, like, what is your political affiliation, if I may ask?

I'm not trying to press you, but I am a lady of the south, and I need to know that I'm, uh, fraternizing with people I can trust.

All right, I'm actually leaning.

Are you okay?

I started to lean.

That's okay.

No, it's all right.

It's just...

Where do I... wha...

So they discovered this guy, Cipriano Ferrandini.

He's a beady-eyed Corsican barber who wanted to k*ll Lincoln.

Ferrandini gathers together all of these Southern rebels into this hideout.

Davies gets in on the Ferrandini meeting.

And Ferrandini, he's holding up a scimitar.

And he says, moth!

And he was like, in this hat, or bowl, or bucket, or whatever, there is a card...

I'm gonna burp. Excuse me.

With a red dot on it.

And whoever gets the red dot, you're gonna k*ll Lincoln.

Davies is like, oh, [Bleep] me.

Now, we really have a problem... to himself, quietly, because he's undercover.

Lincoln lands in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.

Pinkerton goes to him, and says, we got to get you the [Bleep] out of here a day before they're gonna k*ll you, so... he took off his little pop-tart hat, or whatever that was.

Uh, what was it called?

A pop... popeye, popeye... it was a called a... his hat, it was a stovepipe.

Lincoln says, sorry, stovepipe.

I got to be incognito. I'll see you soon.

They sneak him out to the train.

People can see him, but they don't know it's him, because he's wearing a beanie and a shawl.

Kate Warne is like, I need to get my invalid brother into the train.

They get on the train.

"Zu-di-di-doo, di-di-doo."

Lincoln is on a train into D.C. to become the president.

So Pinkerton had to get Lincoln through Baltimore early to get to D.C.

Without being k*lled, because there are assassins in Baltimore waiting for Lincoln to show up at, like, noon.

They get to president station, Baltimore, Maryland, at 3:30 in the morning.

And the conductor's like, we have to stop, because there's a sound ordinance.

Pinkerton's like, what the [Bleep]?

There's a [Bleep] sound ordinance?

What the [Bleep] am I gonna do?

Okay. I'll tell you what we'll do.

We'll get some [Bleep] horses.

[Laughs]

So they hook up this train car to horses, and drag the train car on the tracks through Baltimore.

They get to Camden Street Station, where they're supposed to pick up the Washington-Bound train.

No train. Train's late.

So they sat there.

It's basically assassins everywhere.

And they could hear people saying, this [Bleep] Lincoln is a piece of [Bleep].

The south will rise.

Pinkerton's like, if these guys find out that we're in here with Lincoln, we're dead.

We're all of us dead.

You hold on to your panties.

[Laughing]

No, he would not have... all right.

Okay.

The Washington-Bound train finally shows up.

And at 6:00 A.M., February 23rd, Abraham Lincoln arrives in Washington D.C., and they successfully averted the assassination attempt.

And the Pinkerton National Detective Agency has existed for 163 years since that time.

Moth.

Look.

Oh.

Oh.

Son of a...

Oh, no.

Moth!

There's actually a huge tradition in Baltimore of live action role-playing.

I am Skip Lipman.

When I larp, I'm banner of Laconia.

Uh, I'm Craig.

My battle name is Crog.

I decided to go with Emoticon.

I'm in search of my wife, Emoji.

She's out there somewhere.

L.O.L.

[Laughter]

So you really want to, like, swing, right?

[Horn blares]

Ah! Right in my d*ck.

[Groans]

You have to lay on the cold ground.

You got me in the d*ck, skip.

♪ Whose bright lights and bright stars ♪
♪ through this pe... ♪

And now, what are we doing now?

Keep going, keep going.

All right. That's enough of that.

I'm done.

Hello.

Today, we're gonna talk about Francis Scott Key, the man who wrote the n...

American national anthem, the Star-Spangled Banner.

[Laughs]

Francis Scott Key, a very prominent lawyer in Baltimore during the 1812 w*r.

One night, his brother-in-law shows up, and he says, Francis, the Honorable Dr. Beanes has been taken c*ptive on a British warship.

Dr. Beanes is a very upstanding member of the community.

He helped everybody. [Laughs]

He's Dr. Beanes.

He's Dr. Beanes.

He's amazing.

Francis Scott Key goes to President James Madison, who was the president at the time.

He says, listen, the Honorable Dr. Beanes has been kidnapped.

President James Madison is like, the... it's like a terrible... like, yeah.

Obviously, you got to do something about this.

[Laughing]

And so he hooks him up with a guy named Ja...

John Skinner, a prisoner exchange agent.

And they set sail to the British headquarters, which is a [Bleep] boat.

Under the control of Vice "Admirable... " uh, Vice "Admirable"... uh, f... sorry.

Admiral a... oh, okay, let's back up.

Vice Admiral Alexander Cochrane.

Man, I'm [Bleep] drunk.

I got to drink more.

The British wine them, and they dine them, and Key and Skinner and were like, you've got this frail, old doctor man sitting in his cell or whatever.

It's like, let the guy go, you know?

They made a really good case.

And Major General Ross was like, sounds good.

Let's let Dr. Beanes go.

They wined and dined a little bit more.

Eventually, Key and Skinner hear some British soldiers saying, you know what?

Next week, we're gonna be attacking Baltimore.

We're gonna be attacking Baltimore.

And they saw maps and plans of how they were gonna do it.

Cochrane tells Key and Skinner, you know too much.

You know too much.

He and Skinner were held prisoner for a full week.

They would tease them and say things like, hey, I hope you take a good look at that flag over there, because, um, it's not gonna be there.

'Cause it's gonna be gone.

[Laughs] Sorry.

Francis Scott Key is thinking...

[sighs] Well, this sucks.

Oh, wait, no. That's your... that's your mic.

Just keep that in your pocket.

All right.

I'll put that in my pocket.

Here, let's... let's go inside, so...

[laughs] Okay.

I'm all good.

[Clatter]

And by the way...

You okay?

I'm good.

You're...

[Laughs]

So September 13, 1814 rolls around.

The att*ck begins on Baltimore.

[Imitates explosions booming]

Cannons just raining fire, bombarding Fort McHenry.

Francis Scott Key stays up all night and watches in suspense as this happens.

Eventually, Skinner and Beanes wake up, and they're just like, um, is the flag still there?

And Key's watching, and the dawn's light breaks.

The smoke clears, and all of a sudden, Key sees this giant, humongous American flag over Fort McHenry.

And Key is like, yeah, it's still there.

It's way [Bleep] there.

And Key is so blown away by the emotion of it, he starts just writing a poem.

Eventually, Cochrane says, "you're free," and they let 'em go back to Baltimore.

The British retreat.

Francis Scott Key spends the whole night finishing his poem.

The next morning, he calls his brother-in-law.

And he says, I got this poem, and you need to see this.

His brother-in-law looks at it, and he's like, this is the best poem ever.

We have to publish this now.

Like, right now.

It should be put to that melody, the Anacreon in Heaven, a British drinking song.

So they distributed the song to everybody, and people in the town would be kind of like, ♪ oh, say can you see ♪

I get this. I dig it.

It... this is... this'll work.

And the song wound up being a... pretty much an amazing hit.

And it's called the Star-Spangled Banner.

And it's America.

[Laughs]

Who are any of you people?

[Jaunty organ music]

♪

That's pretty much it.

What is that?

It's nothing.

I don't know.

It's like you... you get high and play it.

I don't know.

If I'm eating edible marijuana, and I want to feel like I'm flying a spaceship powered by music, then that's what this is for.

Cheers.

Hello.

Today, we're gonna talk about Edgar Allan Poe and his rivalry with Rufus Griswold, one of America's first pieces of [Bleep].

Okay, this is the 1800s, and no one has any money.

Like, people are, like, sweeping the streets, and maybe you'd find, like, a crust of bacon.

And you'd eat it.

Edgar Allan Poe, he's one of the great American poets.

Completely disrespected by everyone he ever came in contact with.

He was always broke.

And he came into contact with a fellow by the name of Rufus Griswold.

So Griswold says to Poe, hey, I'm making this book called The Poets and Poetry of America.

So give me some of your poems, and if I like 'em, I'll put 'em in.

He knows if he puts him in the book, then Edgar Allan Poe will be likely to write a nice review.

So Poe is like, okay, I'll give you some of my poems.

So here's my poems.

So books get... book get... the book gets published.

Poe's... three of Poe... Poe's poems are... are printed.

Griswold has printed 50 poems by one of his friends.

50!

Poe's sitting there with the book in front of him, flipping through the book.

Flip, flip, flip, flip, flip.

What the [Bleep]?

Are you [Bleep] serious?

This [Bleep]sucker, hack, loser, ass[Bleep]

Has put me in the very back of this book.

I've been hornswoggled by a [Bleep].

Griswold comes to him, and he's like, Edgar, what do you say that you write one of your wonderful reviews of my book?

And I'll give you a... a hundred dollars for it.

It's basically bribery.

And Poe's like, sure, no problem.

I'll take your money, and write a review of this... this book.

No problem.

No [Bleep] problem, Rufus.

[Laughing]

So... so he... so he writes the review.

Now, Griswold has been telling his friends, you know, Poe's gonna write this great review of my [Bleep].

Then he... when... when he reads the review that he paid for, like, no one should read this.

None of these poets are gonna be remembered except for me.

It's a waste of time to even look at this thing.

All of this is crap.

Edgar Allan Poe.

He's like, really?

I gave you money to write a [Bleep] review of a book of poetry that I put you in, you ass[Bleep].

Game on.

So Poe starts hearing that Griswold is now, like... is talking [Bleep] about him.

So he goes on a tour of America, and being like, hey, what's up, guys?

You guys know about Rufus Griswold, right?

The guy who wrote this [Bleep] [Bleep] book of poetry where he only put three of my poems in?

You know about this guy? He's, like, a hack.

Just, like, a stereotypical, basic, bull[Bleep] ass[Bleep].

He has no talent at all, and if you give Griswold a hand job, he'll put 20 poems in his [Bleep] book.

He is a vile, holographic piece of [Bleep].

Holograms don't even exist yet, and I'm calling him a [Bleep] hologram.

So Poe... very important note, the anthology, despite Poe talking all this [Bleep] is massively successful.

Poe goes to his job at this magazine, and seated at his desk is Rufus [Bleep] Griswold.

He's like, oh, I'm sorry.

While you were gone, I got your job.

And I'm getting paid more than you got paid, so I win.

Good night.

[Laughing] So Poe is like, what the [Bleep]?

He's like, what the [Bleep]?

His worst enemy has taken his job, and he's [Bleep].

He's [Bleep].

He goes on drinking binges.

He's a drunk. He's a drunk.

He's a lunatic.

He's, like, wandering the streets.

And right around that time, his wife dies.

And Poe goes insane.

And he starts taking laudanum, which is this, like, downer, but it makes you high as a [Bleep] kite.

And that's it, man.

Poe continues to spiral down into an ob... a [Bleep] oblivion.

They find him laying in a gutter in Baltimore, they take him to a hospital, where he dies.

So Poe's dead.

Griswold wanted Poe to seem like a monster, so [Bleep] Griswold proceeds to write these scathing biographies of Edgar Allan Poe.

He was a drunk.

He was always in debt.

He sucked. He was awful.

Forget about him. Forget about it!

But everyone in America read this, and they're like, wait, what?

Drunk, crazy guy who wrote about ravens?

Where can I get this book? That sounds awesome.

It ended up making Edgar Allan Poe 50,000 times more famous.

And he's considered to be one of the great writers of our time.

Later in his life, Griswold comes down with tuberculosis, and dies alone, with a picture of Edgar Allan Poe on the wall, watching him, like, look at you, man.

Where are you now?

Look at Griswold, all you people out there.

I don't care what you do. What'd you do?

Guess what? No one's gonna remember it.

Your... your silly attempt to disguise a [Bleep] history show, and, like, people getting drunk.

It's failure. No one cares.

No one's buying it, man.

Forget it.

We're all getting sucked into the void.

Ugh. [Laughs]

[Patriotic music]