02x07 - Ghost Monkey

Babe, what kind of candy do you think we'd be for Halloween?

I don't want to be that toothbrush apple family.

I was thinking about doing raisins.

Fruit? No. We need butterfingers up in this bitch.

We need a variety pack.

What do you think of this?

Oh, I like that. Super sexy with that pair of fishnets and some Maryjanes...

I just want to rip that thing right off you.

Does it rip off easily?

I want to ravage you.

This is Ellie's brownie uniform.

I was just sawing the friendship patch on.

Oh, God. Oh my God.

I'm the creepy guy now. - I can wear something like this for Halloween sweetie.

It's just... It's ruined. It's over.

Really?

How am I gonna delete this from my yank bank? - What?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't sexy Brownie one of the staples in college?

Along with sexy nurse and sexy postal worker.

Andre: And sexy museum curator?

Ruxin: Aw, that's terrible.

Ellie, do me a favor... don't put that in your mouth, sweetheart.

Taco: It looks like a meatball.

They're not meatballs, Taco.

Halloween used to be my favorite holiday.

'Cause not only was promiscuity and crimes tolerated, they were actually encouraged.

Yeah.

Pete: Adult Halloween is still here.

You just can't enjoy it when you have kids.

I just wish that we could combine Halloweens.

Amen.

You guys are already trying to do that with Jenny and Ellie sharing the same costume.

Oh, I'm so glad that I don't have a girl.

You are so lucky.

You have a son, and you only have to worry about one dick.

Yeah.

When you have a daughter, you have to worry about everybody's dick.

There's so many dicks around here.

Can we stop talking about your children's genitalia for a second?

Because I think we have more important matters at hand.

How you feeling about your match-up this week with Uncle Pete?

Oh, Uncle Pete is going to get destroyed this week.

Oh, hardly.

In fact, I've got an idea for you.

What if you set my lineup this week?

You're going to let me pick your lineup?

Mm-hmm, you can't do any add/drops, but you can put anyone from my bench into the starting lineup, and I am confident I will still crush you.

Holy sh1t.

You just made a huge mistake, my friend.

Wait a minute, are you really going to put your fate in his hands?

No, I'm going to put his fate in his hands.

Geez, I like it.

I got to get out of here.

I'm gonna get me some pumpkins.

I'm gonna get the car.

Come on, Ellie, time to go, baby.

Come on, Taco, it's time to go, buddy.

Aw, we're not done playing with the monkey.

We have to go home now.

All right, fine, we're coming.

Enjoy your pumpkin.

Hi.

Hi.

You're never going to believe this, but I want to buy a pumpkin.

By the way, you are a very authentic witch.

Thank you.

I like your necklace, too.

Oh, it's actually a talisman to ward off evil thoughts.

Nope, not working. Sorry.

Did you think that one was going to work?

I think it did.

Ah.

Saw you talking to a girl at the petting zoo.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Got her digits, man.

She's a cute witch.

All right, Pete. Whoo.

Ride her broomstick, right?

That's just stupid.

As well as this music.

What is this?

Guys, it's Pandora.

It picked itself.

Yeah, but Pandora's actually cool.

What could you possibly have put into it that made that come out of it?

Kesha.

Hey guys. Check it out.

Whoa whoa whoa.

Monkey.

What are you doing with the monkey?

I stole it from the petting zoo.

Highly illegal, but very fun.

Monkeys do not like me.

That's Andre. Monkey, Andre.

You want to come over here?

Andre... and this is Pete.

Come on over, man.

All right, he's getting a little skittish.

We might want to just...

Yeah, I think he doesn't like the music.

The music is fine.

No, the music... Change it!

Stop yelling at the driver!

He's on my shoulder!

He's freaking out!

Whoa.

Guys, he's freaking out.

Guys, it's the music.

He's rebelling against the music.

Is that Goo Goo Dolls?

No Savage Garden.

Oh, much worse, much worse.

He's attacking me.

No, no, no!

He's freaking out.

Just grab him, just grab him.

He's trying to kill us all.

He just bared his teeth at me.

(shrieking)

The monkey... no!

Oops.

Oh, my God, I think we just killed him.

We didn't kill it, okay?

Monkeys land on their feet.

They're like m*st*rb*t*ng cats.

No, no, no, we killed it.

And it's going to haunt us forever.

You know what?

Just calm down and groove out.

(groaning)

What?

You guys don't like Reggaeton?

Oh, Pete, I'm going to tear into your lineup.

I feel like Jessica Tandy in Fried Green Tomatoes, except without the old lesbian stuff.

Oh, Chris Johnson, I think you'll be spending the week on the bench.

And what about you, Pierre Thomas?

Playing against the Pittsburgh D.

You will be staying in the ga...

Wait, but what if he vultures a couple touchdowns?

He could have a big week.

I should take him out.

No, that's what Pete wants me to do.

Pete wants me to take him out.

Oh, just... just trust your instincts, Ruxin.

Keep it as is.

Don't rock the boat.

Aw.

The answer's in here.

And I'm going to sniff it out.

The hound dog's on the prowl.

(imitates hound barking)

I don't really feel like doing the kid thing with all of Ellie's friends over here...

No, no.

...and there's candy stuck everywhere.

Here's the best part.

I'm not talking about a kid party.

I'm talking about an adult Halloween party.

Seriously?

Yes. We marry the two worlds.

You know what I'll do?

I'll get a little booze cart.

Yeah.

So we go trick-or-treating around the neighborhood... we got Tootsie Rolls and tonic.

I think this sounds awesome.

Yeah.

And, I'm thinking costumewise...

I'm going whored-up.

Show what Mama gave you.

Right?

Can I make a suggestion?

Filthy Vietnamese prostitute.

Now I'm not talking about one you get on the pier.

I'm talking about one you got to go down an alley and negotiate with some guy with no teeth.

I think that's too far.

It's too much?

It's too much.

All right, I'm just spitballing.

Yeah, we'll come up with something great.

And you're going to have to have me.

I want you right now, based on the fact that...

Hi, little lady.

Look at you.

Ellie: I'm going to be a princess.

Yes, you are.

The prettiest princess.

And Mommy's going to be a frog.

Well, you know, I was actually thinking maybe we would switch it up and maybe I could be something a little... different.

You said you were going to be a frog.

You could be a princess and I could be your sexy little handmaid.

No, you promised you'd be a frog.

A big, puffy, fat old frog.

(laughing)

What do you think Daddy should be?

I don't care what Daddy wears.

That's my little girl.

That's why I love you.

I love you, too.

Great. You get to be whatever you want, and I'm going to be dressed like a frog.

A fat, old frog.

Thanks.

Come out to the burbs, man.

It's going to be great.

I've got a bar cart this year.

Children's Halloween and adult Halloween do not mix, okay?

Yes, they do.

Because we can do everything we did as kids.

We can T.P. houses, sh1t in bags and light them on fire and put them on people's doorsteps.

And when they're stamping them out, we can stand there laughing with a martini in our hand.

All right, if we do this, you got to promise me you're not going to embarrass me.

'Cause I'm actually bringing a date this year.

Bring her.

I'll bring a date, too.

Sure you will.

October's my month.

I'm like the Reggie Jackson of hookups in October.

You're Mrs. October?

All I'm saying is numbers don't lie.

October... boom, I'm spiking.

You keep stats on specific hookups for a different month?

That's one of the creepiest things I've ever heard in my life.

It's not creepy. It's an app.

Costs a buck.

You know, this move gets this much percentage, this move gets this much percentage.

Move?

Move?

Oh, I got moves.

You're not talking about poor girl?

The poor girl.

Oh, God.

Wait, you're still doing that?

Oh, no.

One of the favorites in the arsenal.

Oh, God!

What?

Andre, no.

The fake sympathy.

"Oh, oh, you lost your phone.

Poor girl, oh."

It works. It worked.

It's just like a slow, creepy Rophen coming around your shoulder.

That's my ace in the hole.

I have a six percent success rate with that.

Six percent?

That's really low.

That's very low.

It's not very low.

Hey, buddy. How are you doing setting my line up for me?

The only thing that's keeping me up at night is the amount of options I have to put together such a crappy team.

Wait, wait, I'm sorry.

You're still figuring it out?

There are a couple variables that I'm still weighing just 'cause it's like...

He's in your head.

He's not.

You're rattled.

I'm not rattled at all.

He's not rattled.

It's a very clear choice.

Mm-hmm.

We got Rodgers going up against the Jets' defense.

Uh-huh.

And we got Favre going up against the Pats.

Right.

I mean, we all know the right one to pick, obviously.

Yeah.

Like, what... like, which one would you play?

Wait...

Are you fishing?

I'm not fishing, buddy, I'm taunting.

In the form of a question?

Yeah, like, how badly am I gonna beat you this week?

That is the most insecure and rattled trash talk I've ever seen in my life.

This is such an epic week.

Ruxin loses to Ruxin.

Or Ruxin beats Ruxin.

You poor girl.

Aw, poor girl.

Poor girl.

Guys, I been looking up and down that highway; not one sign of the monkey.

Oh, my God.

It is dead.

We killed it and it's gonna come back to haunt us.

We didn't kill the monkey.

It's like a cat, it landed on its feet.

Guys, you don't know what we're dealing with, okay?

It's like that movie I Know What You Did Last Summer, except instead of a guy with a hook, we have a young monkey with a shared hatred for Andre's taste in music.

It's not my fault.

My music is good.

You told me your favorite singer was Will Smith, so yes, it is your fault.

That monkey was crazy.

Guys, the monkey is in your neighborhood.

Be afraid.

Be very afraid.

Ah!

Oh, my gosh.

That guy just spilled my drink.

What a jerk.

Oh, Reggie Jackson is at bat.

Oh, my God, look at this.

Did you just see that?

Yeah, he hit you like a linebacker.

You poor, poor girl. Yes.

Oh, that poor girl.

Let's get you a drink.

(Pete groans)

You're so sweet.

Oh, you poor girl.

Don't worry about me.

That girl is making a bigger mistake than playing Percy Harvin.

Right?

Oh, my...

Yo.

Come get it.

(whistles quietly)

Hey.

Hey.

That's a lot of animals.

They yours?

Yep.

So you got ducks and chickens and...

Sheep.

Uh, any other?

Like, uh, I don't know... giraffes, monkeys.

We used to have a monkey, but he vanished just the other day.

Really?

That's super weird.

So *

No way.

Most likely, that monkey has gone to meet his monkey maker.

Ghost monkey.

Did you know the-the monkey's personality at all?

Is he a happy monkey?

Do you think he had the capacity to forgive?

Forgive?

I stepped on that monkey's tail one time, by accident, and he did this!

(Taco screaming)

Yeah!

(laughs maniacally)

(Kevin screams)

What'd you think it was, the monkey?

What are you doing out here, Ruxin?

Who do I play?

You want help with your lineup?

No, not for my lineup, for Pete's lineup.

Where's the answers?

Is it here?

I don't know.

Is it in the trash?

He's driving you crazy.

Do you know the answers?

I don't have the answers.

Where are the answers?

This is what he wants, Ruxin.

What does he want?

He wants you to overthink this thing and go crazy.

It's not happening.

No.

No.

No.

What?

Okay, Ruxin, What about one step away from fantasy saw?

Okay, you're gonna cut your own leg off soon.

Nobody wants that.

That's what Pete wants.

Pete wants me to cut my leg off and play Peter Thomas.

I'm not gonna play Peter Thomas.

I'm not gonna cut my leg off.

I'm not gonna play Peter Thomas.

You're overthinking this thing.

Just put it out of your head.

It's out of my head now.

Is that Percy Harvin?

Was that Williams?

Let's get out of here.

Look, I think this is gonna be real fun. It is in the suburbs, but it's like an adult Halloween thing.*

I actually don't celebrate Halloween.

Really?

You have like the perfect costume.

What are you talking about?

Oh, it's not a costume.

I am a witch.

I'm sorry?

I'm Wiccan.

Like you're wicking like sweat?

No, I'm Wicca.

Oh.

Oh, oh, oh, so okay. You're a real witch.

Yep.

I literally didn't know there were real witches.

Are you ok with that or...

Um...

You drink blood?

No.

Drink alcohol?

Yes.

Alright. Why not?

Great.

sh1t.

Hey... Hey!

Hey, what's up?

Happy Halloween.

Hello.

You remember Lanie from the bar.

Hi. Kevin.

Hi.

Good to see you again.

Nice to see you.

What are you?

Uh, just a little gladiator.

Ah, I thought you were, like, a fat Russell Crowe.

Really? Thank you.

And you noticed Lanie is dressed like a-a sexy Brownie.

Is she? - You can tell the difference actually because Brownie costumes don't look like this.

I guess. I'm not sure.

Can I get you something to drink?

Do you have some ecstasy?

Ecstasy?

Um, I can get you some vodka.

Do you like vodka?

Sometimes I black out when I drink vodka.

Whatever you want.

Adult Halloween is in full effect.

Hi. Oh!

Hey.

Surprise!

What are you supposed to be?

A big fat tubby frog.

(chuckles): Oh.

Is that a Brownie uniform?

Like, a half of one.

That unzips.

You're not wearing a costume?

Too scared. Why aren't you?

Oh, I didn't know it was Halloween.

Hey, guys.

Hey!

Hi.

This is my friend Darcy.

Hi, Darcy.

I'm Kevin.

Welcome to, uh, adult Halloween.

Thank you.

I love your costume.

Yeah, sexy witch.

Real witch.

No, it's specific yet really sexy and hot, showing some skin.

It's not a costume.

I just want to show some skin tonight.

I'm Wiccan.

Excuse me?

I don't know what that means.

I actually don't celebrate your version of Halloween.

In the Craft, we celebrate Samhain.

It's a very spiritual night.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

So you're a real witch?

Yes.

Do you know anything about monkey curses?

A bit, yeah.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Sure.

Come this way.

Can I get a drink, please, soldier?

Absolutely.

She knows a bit about monkey curses?

We're not gonna talk about this right now.

A bit?

You say when.

Just keep...

Didn't get the whole diploma in the monkey curses, just did a minor; she minored in it.

Tell me more about your monkey friend.

Well, I called him "Potato" 'cause he kind of smelled like French fries.

Hey, guys.

Oh, hey, Pete.

What's going on over here, guys?

We're conducting a seance.

Oh, that's real weird.

Taco, tell me how your monkey friend crossed over into the spirit world.

I took him from the petting zoo and I knowingly brought him into the musical Armageddon that is Andre's car.

Don't put it on yourself.

I really think it was the Gin Blossoms.

We'll resolve all this when we speak with Potato directly.

I'm sorry. Who's Potato?

Potato is Taco's monkey friend.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I should have known that.

And as today is Samhain, it's the easiest day to communicate with the dead.

The membrane between the world of the living and the world of the dead is at its thinnest on Samhain.

So thin you can see almost all the way to Crazy Town.

All right, I'm gonna go hit the booze cart, guys.

Tell ol' tater tot I say, "Whassup?"

I'm going.

Okay, here we go.

Both: Potato... Potat... Potato...

Wait, wait, wait, hold on.

Should we get high first?

That's not necessary.

But it's allowed, right?

It's best to keep the mind clear.

It's the best way I know.

(groaning)

I lost. I had my fate in my hands and I lost.

Pierre Thomas... I put him in!

I should have taken him out.

I put him in!

I should have taken him out!

I beat me. Pete beat me!

Pete let me beat me!

Goddamn you, Pete!

Huh?

Monkey?

Monkey Pete?

Who you working for, monkey?

Pete and the monkey!

I'll show you guys!

Damn you, Pete!

(panting)

Both: Potato...

(gasps)

I see him! I see Potato.

He's very restless.

His spirit is not happy.

No.

There's a terrible noise.

Oh, no. Oh, no!

Is it Savage Garden?

Five For Fighting?

Boyz II Men?

Please tell me it's not Boyz II Men.

He's covering his ears.

Is it Creed? Nickelback?

He wants to know if you have anything to say to him.

I do.

Say it now.

Okay.

(strums soft chord)

♪ Ghost monkey, ghost monkey Can you hear me?

Are you jerking off in heaven or are you in hell playing with your feces?

You suffered the most painful death of all and you did not deserve it Death by Andre's shitty adult contemporary music forgive me with your little dead ghost monkey heart don't want your little ghost monkey arms to tear me apart I didn't want it to end this way I didn't want to discard you like a used condom on the side of the highway I'm so sorry, Gho-o-ost Monkey. ♪

The monkey spirit is not satisfied with your apology.

No?

Oh, oh.

(gasps)

The monkey demands a sacrifice.

(wind whistling)

Do you have knee socks?

They love knee socks.

Okay, all right, thank you so much.

Let's stop talking to her and go get some candy.

You're so good with kids.

Beep, beep!

Stop on the Kevin-o-ween train for some more be-zooze.

Oh, yeah!

Y'all want this party started?

Go, Halloween!

Kevin? Kevin, look at me.

Just look at me, and don't look behind you.

Just... No. Don't look.

No, no, no, no, no.

What the? Hey, McGiblets, you want some, bitch?!

Get out of here!

Look, this is Kev-o-ween, man.

(cat yowls)

What the hell was that?

Startling.

I lost!

Oh, my God!

Jesus!

I played a running back on a bye week.

I'm out of my head.

(laughs)

Didn't do so well, huh?

Ruxin, I have a very special Halloween costume for you.

I love yours.

What are you, a Jew dressed up as a WASP?

Oh!

I got no comeback. Ow!

Happy Halloween, Ruxin.

Pierre Thomas... who's one of my personal idols... also happens to be on my team and also happens to have had a wonderful day today on the field.

Did you play him or did you bench him?

sh1t balls!

All right, that's enough!

Guys, Halloween! Music?

Music, that's what I'm talking about.

Let's get this thing going!

Come on!

All right, yeah!

Whoo-whoo, yeah!

This is awful!

Come on! No, it's Halloween.

It sounds like the Pet Shop Boys are raping Erasure.

Bang the beat!

No, no, we're not banging any beat.

Bang the beat!

I got neighbors, man.

Relax with the banging beats.

Bang the beat!

Get my groove on.

Hey.

Hey!

What do you say we get ourselves some adult Halloween on?

Mmm, good.

Dance party feels good.

Get in here. Come on.

It looks like you're having a seizure.

I'm getting my sexy on.

Make sure she doesn't bite her tongue.

What are you trying to do, babe?

Which one's sexier?

Oh, Kevin, you get to go home to that.

(Kevin laughs)

Uh, did you hear that?

What was that?

Daddy, I'm scared.

Oh, no, no, don't be scared, princess, daddy's right here.

Come on!

Come on, sweetheart!

She's gonna make it, she's...!

Oh, no, no, no!

She's not gonna make it.

Not gonna make it.

No! (screams)

Oh...

Oh, my God, get him off!

He wants us to watch!

She wanted an outfit that made her irresistible.

God, you guys! No!

Work the back of the head.

This is not sexy!

When's the last time Jenny let you do that to her?

What's on my neck?

The monkey has accepted the sacrifice.

Oh!

No, guys, get him off me!

Aw!

Happy adult Samhain.

Garbage... garbage...

Oh, my God!

That monkey really went to town on you.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

What happened to your pants?

The monkey took off with them.

What's he doing with them?

Still?

You wanted a sexy Halloween costume.

Now you got one.

Really?

Babe, I'm being honest.

You look super sexy.

Oh?

I want to finish what that monkey started.

I have been humped enough tonight.

Oh, I know, I know.

Oh, you poor, poor, poor girl.

What are you doing?

What?