02x08 - Spooky Sunday Funday

(indistinct conversations)

♪ ♪

Two, inside or out.

♪ Sunday Funday ♪
♪ Better than a Monday... ♪

No! No!


Absolutely not!

How dare you?

Ambushing me with this nonsense again!

Do I look like I'm in the mood for Sunday Funday?

Okay, bye.

Oh, no, wait!


Dorothy's joining us later, and it's just really important she feel accepted.

It-it-it... it would mean a lot to Lindsay, too.

She's living in Vernon's man cave.

Oh, goddamn it.


Good job.

For a second I thought you forgot this was a set-up.

We'll give Gretchen a fun Halloween day.

She'll drink. We'll do my list...

Yeah, uh, your list is weird.

That's the point.

I tailored the activities for Gretchen's perverted and morbid tastes.

You just need to pretend you wrote the list.

There's no way she'll be able to remain sad after a day like this.


A toast.

To the best day of the week.

On the best day of the year!

Spooky Sunday Funday.



(spooky accent): ♪ Sunday Funday ♪
♪ Better than a Monday ♪
♪ Can only do it one way ♪
♪ And that is the drunk way ♪
♪ Sunday Funday ♪
♪ Better than a Monday ♪
♪ Can only do it one way ♪
♪ And that is the drunk way! ♪
♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪
♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪
♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪


God. Seriously?

Well, we have to wear costumes, Gretchen.

It's, uh, on the list.

Oh, sorry, sir.




Computer voice: Hello.

Nine to sell you.

Oh, no, dang it.

Nice to send yogurt.

I'm still working out the kinks on this thing.

Why are you in a wheelchair?

Did Amy do this to you?

I'm Stephen Hawking.

The famous cosmologist.

A crippled guy does makeup?


So, you ever get the power turned back on?

No. Someone abandoned me, so I had to move into Becca's.

Oh, Lindsay.


Someday you're gonna have to learn not to quit when things gets hard.

I'm not a quitter, Paul.

I'm not!

You'll see!

Computer voice: I won't hole my bread.

Dang it.

(Jimmy laughs)

Oh, my God.

Edgar, look what I've managed to toss together.

Oh. Hey.


Heathstead from Buckle Your Shoes!

Never heard of it.

It's about an assistant deacon who sleeps with the constable's daughter and is forced to hide out as a ladies' shoe salesman.

You've never heard of it?

(funny voice): These heels are a bit small, love.

Shall I stretch them out for ya?

No? Come on.

A doctor costume for ladies?

(scoffs) Fake.

Ugh, I can't find anything.

You've barely looked.

Oh, no.

He's right.

Paul said I give up on things real easy.

I don't do that, right?

Interior design school, cardio barre, season two of House of Cards.

You even quit Ralph's Reward Club 'cause you couldn't handle the commitment.

What, I'm going to carry one of those shitty little plastic cards on my keychain like a poor?

(phone chirps)

Phone, how do I turn on my power?

Phone: s*x Goddess Lindsay 69, I found the phone number for Los Angeles Department of Water and Power.

Would you like me to dial it for you?

This thing never works.

(clears throat)


No idea.


So, you found anything yet?

I'll just wear these wings.

You can do better than "saddest girl at the rave."

What about that?

These are fine.

How much to rent that costume?

Uh, 400 a day plus a thousand-dollar deposit.

Are you insane?


I'm kind of nervous.

You understand I'm not actually inside your head.

I haven't had s*x (whispering): in three years.



Oh, my God!

Dorothy's meeting us later and, well, we've gotten close...

Yeah? How close?

Over the bra.

So, not close at all, then.

Please don't tell anyone.

Oh, believe me, I won't tell anyone you still touch girls over the bra.

That's too embarrassing.


♪ 20s, 50s, 100s, hundred grand ♪
♪ 20s, 50s, 100s, hundred grand ♪
♪ 20s, 50s, 100s, hundred grand ♪
♪ Pull up to the club, walking slowly ♪
♪ Flash-forward, next saw this model that know me ♪
♪ She was lookin' ♪
♪ And I was lookin' ♪
♪ And we was lookin' ♪
♪ Together we like 100 grand ♪
♪ All so mature, all in the mix. ♪

Tour guide: All right, folks.

On the third floor is where, in 1954, former silent film star Poopsie Carmichael was killed by Nick O. Donnik, who went on a rampage, killing seven in the building while they slept.

You might also recognize it from the opening credits of Better Off Ted!

So... three years, huh?

Does Dorothy know?

No, not yet.

I should be honest and tell her, huh?

sh1t no.


Yeah, I'm not getting on a plane if the pilot just took three years off flying.

Also, can you imagine the first time?

It'd be like... (grunting)

(imitates explosions)


So, why did you put a murder tour on your list?


I'm totally into murder.

I love it so much, I became a soldier.

You can murder anyone you want.

Tour guide: And for our final stop, we'll visit the sight of the murder of one of hip-hop's biggest stars.


Any guesses?

Christopher George Latore Wallace.

Big Poppa.

Who shot you, Biggie?

This is fun, right?


Biggie impersonator: And then sometimes during the service window, the serviceman comes out, checks the lines, checks the meters, lights the pilot light if need be, and then you're reconnected.

Sure, but then what happens?

What's the next thing to go wrong that I won't know how to fix?

Hey, mo' money, mo' problems.

That'll be five dollars.

Who shot you, Biggie?

Oh, my God!

T. U. P. A...

(gasps) I knew it.

Edgar: L.



I don't know that fool.

(spooky laugh)

Oh, what's next, Edgar?

Damn it.

Jimmy: That's a pretty convincing Baby Spice.

He a'ight.

You wanted to see a Spice Girls cover band?


I love Spice Girls.

Name three of their songs.

"If You Wanna Be My Lover," (scoffs) is one. "You Gotta Get With My Friends," is another. Oh, and the one where she raps about slinging your body down and winding it all around.

That's all the same song, dummy.

Excuse me, sir. I don't mean to be too forward, but you've caught me with your Hook.

You're at the top of my Schindler's List.

My loins are Terminally Always The Color Purple for you.

So please open your Jaws and make out with me.


Guys, it's Dorothy!

Oh, finally.

I'm sure someone entrenched in the comedy world will know what my costume is.


Drop Dead Fred?

Century 21 salesman of the month?

The bassist for The Mighty Mighty Bosstones?

Gay Wolverine.


Like anyone knows who Edgar's supposed to be.

The Situation from The Jersey Shore... ...seven years later than relevant.

Sorry, honey.

I still want to smooch on you though.

Edgar: Uh, yeah, um... we're in public.

Oh, fine. Well, then later.



Ooh! I'm want to Vine those motorcycles.

(clicks tongue)


Looks like that dry spell is about to end.

Try not to blow a hole through her back.

I like Dorothy so much, but I'm scared that if we go past a certain point, I'll have to tell her about my problems, and I'm just not ready.

Who gives a sh1t if you're ready.

Three years worth of backed-up jizz in your balls is not healthy.

Yeah, but it's not about the jizz in my balls.

It's about the jizz in my brain and in my heart.

The jizz in my heart, Jimmy.

Can we go home now?

(clears throat)

Uh, actually, Gretchen, there's one more stop.


The grand finale.

The grand finale?

Yeah, it's Italian for "big final."

No, I... Never mind.

What is it?

Man: Smile for the camera, maggot.


There is no exiting once you go through those doors.

There is no safeword.

There are no rules.



Yeah, yeah.

Yes, sir.



(door creaks shut)

This isn't so scary.

(thrash metal playing, all screaming)



♪ ♪


(Jimmy sobbing)


I want to go home.


(woman cackling)


I'd prefer not to interact with a mouse.

Woman: Shut up, maggot!

This mouse is going to eat your ugly pussy face.

Then he'll burrow down your throat and eat your gory heart.

Then he'll chew through your intestines until he goddamn chews his way out of your asshole (laughing) so all of your bloody, gory, chewed-out intestines flop out of your body onto the floor like a shitty garden hose!

Gretchen: Oh, no, Jimmy!

You're so screwed!


(screaming continues)


This sucks.


(crying): Why are you doing this to us?


Why is this happening?





♪ ♪



Is that all you pussies got!?

Ha-ha! Jimmy!

What's going on, guys?

What are you doing here?

I'm a horror house nerd from way back.

After this, I'm heading to another one in Sylmar.

They've got a real, live Babadook.


You guys should totally...!



You good?

I'm great!

This place is nuts!

(panting): You guys probably shouldn't sit on that couch.


(water dripping)

Lindsay: Hello?



Oh, my God.

Where am I?

Help me!

(freaky voice): No one can help you, Lindsay.

You're all alone now!

How did you know my name?!


I don't like the taste of fear in my meat.


(mocking scream)





What are you doing?

Lindsay: What I always do.

I'm giving up.



It'll make it easier for me to rip open your flesh and make a cape from your skin.

I'll probably make a shitty cape!

Just like I'm a shitty wife.

Just like I'm a shitty homeowner.

I can't even turn my power on.

How pathetic is that?

Have you tried calling customer service?

(thrash metal playing)


No. No!

(laughing maniacally)

No! No!

(maniacal laughter continues)

Oh, hell yeah!


Our Father, Who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name...

(shrieking, sobbing)

Oh, damn!


This is almost over, right?

You'll be fine.

Just breathe.

(inhales deeply)




Dorothy: Oh, my God.



Edgar, stop!

I'm telling!

I have to tell you something.


I have... residual issues from...

I'm sorry I never told you.

I'm honored that you trust me enough to tell me.

Also, I haven't had s*x in three years.

Is that why you keep touching me over the bra?

Three years, huh?

(distant screaming, monster roaring)

This whole thing is derivative.

It's homage.

Face it, horror films are legacy.

Forget about movies.

This is the golden age of television. TV owns.




Ah... ah...

Hey, we all get overwhelmed.

If a problem seems too big, try breaking it up into smaller chunks.

It's called chunking.

There's a really great TED talk about it.



Okay, you ready?

Now, when the voice comes on and asks you what you want, you say "operator."

Then they'll do this thing where they say, "While you wait, what is the nature of your problem?"

That's a trick.

Just say "operator" again.

You want me to dial for you?


I can do it myself.


They weren't kidding about that no rules thing.

That-that little girl with her arms on backwards straight-up bit my tit.

That was so much fun!

I knew it would work.

What would?

This whole day.

To whack you out of your funk.

I made you think it was Edgar's idea, but it was mine.

Goddamn it, Jimmy!

I knew it!

I mean... no, I didn't know it, but I knew it!

Wait, you... you're mad at me because you had a good time?


I am mad at you because you think you can fix me!

You can't fix me, Jimmy.

I don't need to be fixed.



I'm sorry I tried to give you a nice day.

What an asshole.

Where's Jimmy?

He left.

He's trying to fix me.

Of course he is, he's Jimmy.

He's not gonna stop, you know.

Unless... he thinks he fixed me already.

(indistinct chatter)

Woman: That's a great Heathstead.


Woman: Your costume.

Heathstead, from Buckle Your Shoes, right?


No one has gotten it all day.


Remember when Maggie Cornelia has the bunion?

But he can't tell her, because she's redoing her will.

And the dog?

And the dog, yeah!



Rough day?

Oh, yeah. Halloween.

It's a stupid holiday.

I like it.

It's good for business.

Speaking of which, I should probably get back in there.

Don't want to piss off the boss.

Ah, she's a pushover.

It's my bar.

I'm Nina.


I've been serving you for the last... few months.

Oh. Sorry, I...

I don't remember people.

That's okay.

Hey, maybe I'll, uh, come join you when things cool down.

We need to talk about when Iolanthe left Crumpleton for London.

(posh accent): She always did refuse to accept her station.


You were right!

It's crazy, but I feel like a whole new person.

I guess all I needed was a fun day doing things I liked.

Well, then.

Wow, that's... that's great.

Yes, it is.

Smart, smart man.

How'd you know I was coming?

Oh, I just had a feeling everything would work out.

Oh, my God, the guy coming out of the tub.

And the guy with the...

Helen Keller thing?



Kid: Oh, she's coming!

Let's go!

Go, go! Go! Go!

Go, go!

Come on, man!

♪ ♪


(alarm beeping)

(TV playing football game, alarm beeping)

(whirring, alarm beeping, TV playing in distance)

♪ We... ♪
♪ Never got control ♪
♪ Lost the whole damn world ♪
♪ Lie... like a pair of dice ♪
♪ Us just a pair of d... ♪