02x10 - A Right Proper Story

Hey, hey.

Just a fun thought.

If it doesn't sound, like, too out there, and if you can get over your fear of hurting me, do you think it'd be weird if I asked you to slap me?


Jesus Christ!

(chuckling): What? You asked me to.



(both grunting)

What in God's name...?

"Flight itinerary: Heathrow to L.A.X."

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

This cannot be happening.

Why would my family be flying here?

They can't do that.

So tell 'em to suck your dick.

Well, I can't tell them to suck my dick, Gretchen, because they're already in the air!

They arrive in the morning.

For four days?!

Why the hell are they...?

Gretchen, the, uh, the-the... the letters that I gave you, you-you didn't...?

Yeah, I mailed them like you asked.


Why would you do that?!

They were just threats, so if I didn't hit the page count, you were to mail the letters!

I don't get it.

Oh, my God, and the love letter to Becca.

And there was a third one.

What was it?

Oh, yeah, it was bad. I remember that.

I'm already regretting not slapping you harder.

I cannot have these lunatics in my house.

Gretch, you got to help me. Promise you'll help me, please.


Jesus, I thought you said you were better.

I lied.

Well, fake it and help me!

I don't wanna.

Do you think I "wanna"?

Nobody "wanna"!

But I need your help! Come on!

See? We can do this, we can do this.

No, you know what?

I shan't be cowed by a visiting group of soccer hooligans, feebs and psychotics with congenital lead aggression.

Except for my younger sister; she's all right.

Yes, one look at how inconceivably far I've come, and they will see how together I have it all.

This came for you.

"Dear Jimmy.

"It's donations like yours that ensure every young boy gets the hugs he needs."

Oh, yeah, I knew it was bad.


Yo, can I get this lollipop?

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪
♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪
♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪

(pounding on door)

No, no, you promised.

Oh, come on!



Welcome to America.

Shut up.

I've forgotten what soft hands you have.

It's like shaking hands with the royal baby.

Royal girl baby!



Woman: Jimmy!

Lilly, oh, my God, look at you!

Uh, you must be in university by now.

Oh, I was going to go, but they pointed out that university is just a place w*nk*rs go to study poetry and fist themselves.

Ah, well, that's...

So, Fiona, what have you been up to?

Work at the Tesco.

You know, the good one on the north side.

Promoted straight away.

Cashier... free apron and everything.

Uh, where's Mum?

In Barcelona with Tony.

Who's Tony?


I don't know why she married the bloody tosser.

Wait, what, married?

I don't understand.

Me neither.

He smokes those skinny cigarettes and doesn't wear socks, if you know what I mean.

Wait, you got divorced?

Why did nobody tell me?!

Why, look at Jimmy's fancy little salt dish.

"Oh, I can only have a little bit of salt, otherwise me mouth gets too dry for gobbling knobs."


Uh, just, ah!

Just gonna move my book there.

It's-it's not a coaster.

Although "CoolBookGirl14" on GoodReads called it "an emotional roller coaster."

Hello, Shive-Overlys.

I'm Edgar, and, uh, welcome to our home.

Who's the Paki?

(gasps) Wow.

Di, that is quite offensive.

First of all, he's my roommate.


And secondly, he's not Pakistani, he's Mexican.

Ah, Mexicans... America's Pakis.

I'll be right back.


Jimmy: Gretchen?

TV announcer: Ladies and gentlemen...

Guys, this is my girlfriend, Gretchen.

Jimmy, where's your gun?

Why would I have a gun?

Just like Shitty Jimmy to move to America and not own a gun.

Wait, what did you just call him?

What's it to you?!

No, I was genuinely asking.

Shitty Jimmy. You don't know the story of Shitty Jimmy?


It's a good story.

So what happened was, right?

One day, he slipped in sh1t.

So from then on, we called him Shitty Jimmy.


We also called him Cock Bandit, Crybaby Fartface and Little Jizz Man.

Ah, goddamn it.

Well, my job here is done.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Lilly! Tea!


I thought today we could go see the giant boulder at LACMA, then there's a screening of Vertigo at the cemetery...

Well, obviously we can't do any of that.

The Eurotune Song Contest is on all week.

Jimmy: Wait, so you flew all the way to Los Angeles just to sit in front of the telly?

Was it hard to write a book, Jimmy?

I'm so proud of you.

I always tell the other girls at Fancy Dames about my famous brother in America.

Fancy Dames, the strip club?

Last time I saw you, you were reading Harry Potter.

Well, I did get a tattoo of Dobby the House Elf on my...

It's okay.



Then we had to move the half-price section.

And that was a big to-do, of course.

Davey said the half-price was too close to the posh cheeses, and it didn't make sense, customer-wise, of course.

Well, I told Davey, "You have to move the signs then, 'cause obviously Carrie can't carry 'em."

Why can't Carrie carry them?

Because she's got no arms; that's why we call her Carrie.

Her real name's Beth.

Did I tell you what Regina said the other day?

I don't know who Regina is.

Or Davey or Carrie.

You provide literally no context to your stories.

Regina is Giancarlo's girl.

Anyway, Regina said that Davey said that in American grocery stores, they play a rain and thunder sound, and then a machine spritzes the vegetables.

What a lie.

Can you imagine?

Di: Will you two shut up?

The bleeding Belgians are cheating again.

(music plays, crowd cheers)

(door opens, closes)

Hey, everyone, this is Lindsay.

She's, uh, Gretchen's best friend.

Ronny: Come and sit on my lap, luv.

Oh, don't mind these stains.

Just a bit of bean juice.

Right, I need you to find Gretchen and get her up here.

And check the closets.

Now, go.

(clears throat)

Do gun shows have bazookas?

Always wanted me own bazooka.

Jimmy: No idea.

Dad, what happened with you and Mum?

I don't know.

She just wanted a bloke like Tony with his floppy hair and tight pants.

Bit like you.

(chuckles) How'd you get your hair so floppy?

You, uh, have a special cream?

Does it come out of a tube?

A flesh-colored tube?


Hey, look who I found.

Who's winning the thing?

Di: Maybe I'd know if you weren't constantly yapping in my face like a goddamn Belgian.

(cell phone beeps)


Linds, can you go help Sam with a wardrobe crisis?

No problem.

I thought all English people were fancy, but these are like Alabama English people.

(screams) Jesus.

I have to look extra dope!

Those assholes' latest track dissed my wardrobe so thoroughly, they have me doubting my signature style that GQ magazine once called "courageously headache-y."

(chuckles) Okay, leave it to me.

I'm really good at clothes.

Okay, thanks, Linds.

(sighs aggressively)

Have to drop a response track on they disturbingly prolific asses right quick.

But I have no ideas for a hook.

(hip-hop track playing)

♪ Eat all my ass, eat all my ass... ♪

Nah, nah.

(cell phone chimes)

♪ Your face is so wide ♪
♪ Your face is so wide... ♪


♪ Hey, more like jizz stain, hey... ♪


Lindsay: ♪ New phone. Who dis? ♪
♪ New phone. Who dis? ♪


♪ New phone ♪
♪ Who dis? ♪
♪ And I said it's a new phone ♪

(music stops)

♪ Who dis? ♪

What you singing?

Oh, sorry.

"New phone. Who dis?"

It's the ultimate blow-off.

See, you pretend not to know who "dis" is.


"New phone. Who dis?"

"New phone. Who dis?"

(hip-hop track playing)

♪ New phone ♪
♪ Who dis? ♪
♪ New phone ♪
♪ Who dis? ♪

(blows whistle)

♪ I wanna go... ♪

Jimmy: Sorry about that.

Just had to take an important work call.

It's my agent.

Anyway, he loves my book proposal!

But I have to do a few tweaks.

Thus, unfortunately, we won't be spending the whole day together.

(groans): Ah.

Time to put on my hard hat...

It's time for you to drive us to the store for cigarettes and booze, you bloody bell end.

We're going outside?

I'll get ready.

Please take them.

I really do have to write.


And stretch it out, yeah?

Show them some important Los Angeles landmarks, like where Hugh Grant got a slob job or where Mel Gibson called that lady cop "sugar tits."


All right, English people.

Cover your skin.

We're going outside.

Go ahead without me.

I'm, uh... gonna take a walk.


Oh, man.

I'm ready!

Oh, well...

Hey, Lilly?


What do you say to a little tour of the city?

Oh! (laughs)

Man (over intercom): Attention, shoppers.

There's a special on kale in produce.

Cashier to check stand two, please.

I knew it!


Let's see what else about this place is bollocks!


Hi. Can I help you?

Why aren't the eggs near the cheeses and all that?

Oh, the eggs have their own case on aisle four.

What were you looking for?


Cage free?

Locally sourced flamingo eggs?

Sorry, ma'am?

We're not allowed to let you drink that in here.

Move, twat!

Are these all real?

(thunder rumbling)

(thunder continues rumbling)

Man: We need immediate cleanup on aisle 15, please.

An immediate cleanup on aisle 15.

I can't believe it.

Davey wasn't lying!

I can't go back to Tesco now!

It's sh1t!

My whole life is sh1t!

Oh, God.

What have I done?

I've ruined my body!

I'm only 36!



It's so big and gray.

Don't tell Jimmy, but I did want to go to university.

But helping my family was more important than education.

Have you ever been horseback riding?


The last horse in our town was used years ago to make gelatin for the lunatic asylum.


What the hell?

You were only gone for, like, an hour?

Where did you go?

(TV turns on)

What, did we interrupt your shitty little writing?

Uh... (clears throat)

This "shitty little writing" is my second novel that will probably spark a bidding war.

Shitty Jimmy moves to America, and suddenly, he thinks he's hot fancy sh1t and that we'd all be impressed and somehow forget that underneath it all, he's still our little crybaby w*nk*r brother, Shitty Jimmy.

With your stupid house and your lump of a girlfriend, who's clearly miserable 'cause she has to live this shitty life with Shitty Jimmy!

All right, that's it!

(all three shouting)

You don't get to tell me what do to in my house!

Turn that back on or I'll light your dick on fire!

Everybody, shut up!

(gun clicking)

You bought a gun?!

Yeah, of course. The dealer came right up to the door.

Thought it come with bullets though.

Did you know my entire childhood was spent with the lot of you incessantly mocking me.

The first time I learned to ride a bicycle and fell into that pile of loose lead.


My phase of wearing mum's high heels.

And, yeah, the famous Shitty Jimmy incident, which, if you remember, only happened because Fi pushed me!

In my defense, I only pushed you so you'd fall in sh1t!

And now you've come to cow me again?

Well, it will not work.

Do you know why?

Because I understand that you're not the sisters I looked up to, or the father whose... or the father whose approval I desperately wanted.

You are just unhappy, uneducated garbage!

And I want you out of my house!


It's not funny!

(laughter continues)

Oh, come on.

Let's go for a drink.


We need to talk.

And maybe stop by the bullet store on the way home.


(door opens, closes)

♪ ♪
♪ I see you calling, but I just keep stalling ♪


♪ Yeah, new phone, who dis? ♪
♪ Little ninja can call me every day crying like a doo-doo head ♪
♪ Shitstain is the name 'cause he sh1t his bed ♪
♪ Shitstain is insane if he think he hard ♪
♪ I saw him sucking some dick for a Magic card ♪
♪ Honey Nutz is a punk-skinny fat bitch ♪
♪ I had to come for that fool after Blair Witch ♪

♪ I had to muffle that, too, he's a band ho ♪
♪ Fat ho, that four-eyed punk is wack, yo ♪
♪ You're straight-up trolling 'cause your minutes ♪
♪ Ain't a-rolling ♪
♪ Yeah, new phone, who dis? ♪

Look, Jimmy, I know I've never really been that good at... you know...

Staying sober past lunch?

Not being racist?

Gastrointestinal control?


Well, maybe that's because whenever I tried to talk to you, you'd just turn on a football match.

Well, I didn't know what to do with you.

I put a ball down in front of you, and you'd sit on the ball and read a book.

Well, you've flown all the way out here.

What do you want to talk about?

You know...

How are you?

I'm great, Dad.


How's that girlfriend of yours?

She's fine, yeah.

I mean, recently she's been going through a bit of a rough patch, but it'll pass.

It doesn't pass, Jimmy.


When we first got married, it was nice... for a little while.

And then she started getting dead moody all the time.

But then ten years went by, then 20.

And then suddenly, our marriage was one long rough patch.

You've got a career, a nice house, got your own Paki.

Don't do what I did and let some black cloud of a bird screw it up.

But I really like Gretchen, so...

No, there's always more girls.


This is my son, Jimmy.

He wrote a novel.

Published and all.

It's quite good.

You'd date him, right?

Eh, I'd snog him.

But I wouldn't tell anyone about it.

You read my book?

Yeah, I read it, you asshole.

I just didn't want you to get a big head about it.

But it seemed like a right proper story.

Just not for me.

So, yeah.

I'm proud of you and all that.

Isn't there a football match on?

Jimmy: I've actually been meaning to take an online course.

And I was thinking maybe we could do it together.

I would love to!

Can we sit next to each other?

You understand it's online?

Oh, right.

(chuckles softly)

Got you a little present.



It made me feel like God.

I don't want to be God.

I paid 250 yesterday, so I was thinking maybe 225.

I'm not paying you for that gun.


Stick with your pepper spray and your rape whistle then!

Fiona: Bye!

Di: Bye, Shitty Jimmy!

(door closes)

Oh, my God! (chuckles)


Nothing to say about my family?

Well, how about this?

I'm requesting that my girlfriend let me vent, because she's interested in what's going on with me.

I can't.

You mean you won't.

(door opens, slams)

Rough day?

It was a rough four days.

My dad bought a gun.

Wait, what?

Back up.

Start from the beginning.


So my oldest sister, Fiona, she's obsessed with her job.

Kept talking about all these people that she was working with.

She works in a supermarket.

And then my youngest sister Lilly...