03x01 - Try Real Hard

(Gretchen moaning, Jimmy panting)

Oh, God. Oh, sh1t!



I'm gonna come! I'm gonna come!

Um... I'm gonna come.

Why do you always announce it?


You always announce it.

I do?


I don't know. I guess I just want everyone to be clear that, uh...

That this is Gretchen's moment.


Gretchen has the floor.


(both moaning)

Oh, yeah. Oh, sh1t.

Oh. Oh, yeah!

I'm gonna...

No! Wait.

Jesus. What?

Gretchen has the floor!

I don't know what to tell you.

We can, you know, both.

Like, at the same time?

Why not?

I don't know.

Will it be scary?

I don't know. It might.


Wait, I can't... I can't stop it.

Oh, me neither.

I can't stop it. (moaning)

Here I...



(chuckling, panting)

(both panting)

You were so quiet.

You had the floor.



♪ ♪
♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪
♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪
♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪


Oh, stop.

It's a soft case.


I'm gonna take a shower.

Might take a second. I'm gonna wash my legs.

You mean shave your legs?


I'm sorry?

Implying that you don't usually wash your legs?


You don't wash your legs?

No way. What am I, a sucker?

What, you take showers, and you don't wash your legs?

What am I gonna do, like, bend down and wash my legs?

Who has the time?

Yesterday, you spent two hours drawing a maze.

Yeah. And how do you think I had time to draw that sick-ass maze?

No wonder you haven't finished your book, Jimbo.

Too busy washing your legs.

Yeah, it's book proposal. And it's nearly done.

Hey, I forgot to mention!

Sam and the boys are having a big secret reunion show tonight.

You want to come?


It's a really important night.

Free booze.

I'll be there.

Mm. Love you.

What did you say?

Oh, my God, are you serious?

W-We said it.

No way! I didn't say it!

Uh, the night of Becca and Vernon's party.

We both said... You said it first!

I was blackout drunk!

Why would you take anything I said seriously?

I seriously think that you may have a drinking problem.

I don't have a problem.

You know what, I'm not gonna let this bother me.

Maybe you have a "believing things drunk people say" problem.

I told you, from the beginning, I don't believe in it.

But you said it.

I might also have said that I don't have an opinion on your pubic hair, or that I was gonna help Edgar with his résumé.

Doesn't make them true.

(door opens, slams)



Dude with his face in my business.

Edgar: Uh, what's the matter?

Just, um, you've been doing that for, like, a half hour.

Uh, uh, attention to detail. It's an Army thing...

When are you gonna do me already?

I like making you feel good.

Is this your way of apologizing for backing out of moving in together?

If so, forgiven.

Anyway, who am I to look a gift... whore?

Gift head?

Gift mouth in the mouth.

There it is.



(moans softly)

Narrator (over TV): For Mary, it was one argument too many.

Paul: Lindsay!

(characters shouting over TV)

Lindsay, come out here!

Man: Your mother cannot stay indef...

Oh. Okay, let me go put on my biking Spanx.

No, honey. You don't understand.

(car approaching)

(tires screech, horn honks)

Being back in this house, I realized I created a life apart from you.

All my hobbies, my Internet activity, my secret bank account...

Your what now?

All these separate things created malignant distance between us.

Lindsay: You're throwing away all your nerd stuff?

From this moment on, my sole focus will be on things we can do together.

(Lindsay gasps)

(squeals, giggles)


I have a very special evening planned.

My special night?

Tonight, we launch our life, truly together.

As a family.


♪ ♪


Edgar: Breakfast... tots.

This is completely... brilliant.

Why have you just thought of these now?

I'm more creative when I'm upset.


I have a problem.

Mm. Having a problem is your defining characteristic.

No, I have a real problem. Um... ever since they switched some of my meds, I've been... having a little trouble in the bedroom.

What, night screamings? Sleep-to-rage?

Waking up thinking, "Why am I here?

Oh, right. Yeah, I'm freeloading off Jimmy."

No. Bed-room.

Oh, my God! Jesus, man. Are you serious?

It's not like nothing happens, but more like it starts to happen, then it gets halfway there and is like...

(dopey voice): "Nope, I'm going back to bed."

I've gone years now successfully never picturing your pen1s.

And now... there it is.

Just maybe try to... kink it back into working order, huh?

What have you two tried? Latex?


Medical play? Size training?

CFNM? Funneling?


Clit negging? Ladyboy?

Nothing. Just regular.

Well, then your pen1s is clearly bored to death.

Just try something.

Maybe start with some light role-playing.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna try and finish my breakfast without thinking about your pen1s.


Uh, I'm done.

(bluesy rock music playing)

One, two, three.

I already have...



Let's do Lemon Drops next.

Don't you have work?

(scoffs) Have you seen what I do?

Now that you mention it, I've never known.

How does it work? Like, with Sam. Who pays you?

The company for which I work.

A company hired you?

They interviewed you and then offered you a job?


Ooh, let's try cosmos next, like ladies.

Cosmos. (chuckles)

Why are you asking me questions?

It's just funny.

With this insane revelation that, for some reason, you don't wash your legs.

No need. Water falls on them.

Oh, my God.

Anyway, had you not said anything, I might have never known this fact.

So? Chug.

So? The unknowable is terrifying, Gretchen.

That's why humanity explores.

To shine a light on the frightening dark that surrounds us.

Thus, immediately upon learning that you don't wash your legs... itself unimportant...

I'm now thrust into wondering: what else don't I know?

About me? Ooh, okay.

Um, I dated two of the Baldwins.

I competed in the U.S. Teen Nationals for show jumping.

In horsery?

Yes, horsery.

For ten months, I did ink work for a professional counterfeiter.

I've never eaten a blueberry.

They are doll eyes. Think about it.


How do I not know any of this?

(sighs) I can't do a cartwheel.

An owl tried to kill me at Bible camp.


Big sumbitch.

Sluiced right through the night air, silent as sh1t. (whooshes)

I think there's still a scar if you want...

No, no, no, no.

What kind of camp did you say?

Bible camp. See, my real problem is I was wearing a headband with a cute little mouse on it.

Gretchen, are you religious?



I consider myself more generally spiritual.


Whew! I am hammered!

Are you hammered?

You're the best.

I'm so glad you're my boyfriend.


Look, I know we weren't gonna say it, but... screw it.

I love you, Jimmy.

I love you.

I knew it.

Psyche! Nice try, dummy. I've had five shots.

I could fly a plane after five shots. Bye.

He doesn't remember saying it. Little punk-ass bitch.

I've done tons of stuff drunk, and it all counts: my wedding, driving school, all my dentist appointments.

Getting vag-fected by Paul's wriggly little jizz monsters?

Ow! No! Ow!

Don't pinch me!

We are having this baby!

It's a fresh start.


You bitch!

Quit it!

Stop it!

We're supposed to be having a meeting about the secret reunion show tonight.

You're early. It's still my lunch hour.

I will eat those later.

You're not having this baby.


Unfortunately, being keenly in tune with the human condition means that after hearing this idiotic sh1t for the past ten minutes, I have thoughts. Bitch, he does not love you.

Oh, goddamn it!

Sam: When you say "I love you," it's supposed to be romantic and/or highly sexual.

Or when you're so overwhelmed by what perfection is in front of you...

If you say the word "Jaclyn" one more time, I will gag you with that raggedy-ass bandanna!

I've never loved anyone.

I guess it's because I never felt worthy of love in return.

Be the CEO of your own life, Gretch.

Don't wait for no one to say it to you.

Every morning in the mirror, I purse my pillow lips up and stare into my apple juice eyes, and I be like, "I love you. I love you, Sam. I love you!"


"Apple juice eyes"?

Don't be trying to play like they ain't rich, delicious, apple juice.

That's why no one loves you.

Anyway, dudes don't say it with words, they say it with actions.

Other bitch, get out of here.

We got to talk about the show.

I am all over it, Sam.

I have a press release ready to go.

It's a secret show!

No press release.

No industry whispers.

Um... then how will people find out about it?

Real ballers' fans find out clandestine style and sh1t.

Fetty Wap at the El Rey.

Schoolboy Q on the roof of The Standard.

Young Thug at Sufjan Steven's broth restaurant.

No press. All packed.

Okay, but that's not actually how it works.

Gretch! No!

It has to be pure.

It's a point of pride.

Prove to the world we ain't never slipped.




I was just babysitting next door, and I got bored watching Hulu, like we millennials do.

Oh, hi. Come in.

Geez, nice place.

Reminds me of my piano teacher's house.

Sometimes we sit too close to each other on the bench, and our side-butts touch.

It's ac... it's actually my friend Jimmy's house.

He let me sleep here because I was homeless...

Dude, this is fantasy.

Oh, right. Uh... (scoffs)

Yeah, this is my house.

Which I bought with a mortgage... money loan.

Yeah, well, I just moved to town to be a YouTube star.

Don't you love my widdle baby voice, Daddy?


Oh, sh1t. Sorry.

(deep voice): Hey, troopmate.

What happens in the foxhole stays in the foxhole, right?

sh1t. Sorry. Ugh. I'm not very good at this, which is weird, because my character work is what got me very close on three different basic cable hidden camera prank shows.

Let's try again.

No, no. It-It's okay.

Is it me?

Is this because I farted in front of you the other day?

Some of my new medications apparently can have libido-interfering characteristics.

Well, can't you just get them to switch them?

They have been switching them and switching them and switching them and switching them.

Well, your body probably just has to get used to it.

I mean, they wouldn't have you on something that makes you unable to have s*x forever.

Of course not.

And, until you figure it out, there's probably a pill you could take...

No, I'm not taking another pill.

I can't keep taking more pills and more pills and more pills, okay?

Never mind. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It's just hard.

No, it's not. (chuckles) Bad, Dorothy.

(record scratching, hip-hop music playing)

This door list is as white as your ass!

Where's all the goddamn people on this bitch, bitch?

You told me not to publicize it!

To normal people, stupid!

Where's all the media dudes and the influencers?

Our actor and athlete fans?

Where the hell is CP3 and Marcelo Huertas and Bradley Cooper?

Bradley Cooper loves us!

We got hella wasted with dude backstage of Elephant Man.

You remember that?


Where is Bradley Cooper, Gretch?

Where is Bradley Cooper?!

You forbade me from inviting anyone!

Not important people!

I hate you! This is sabotage!

Quick! Social media tsunami!


(keys clacking)

Yo. What's up, fans?

It's your boy, Sam. Come down to the Smear, now.

Secret show. Hella shrimps!

I love you.

It's no use. We only got 20 minutes!

I cannot have snaps of an empty-ass show all over the Internet!

Get bodies in here.

I don't care how!


(groans loudly)

And don't forget Bradley Cooper!

♪ Ooh, ooh... ♪



You look positively ethereal.

I am so excited to open my special prize and find out what we're doing tonight. Hmm?



"Red Napkin"?


Paul, this dress doesn't have a butt.

(chuckles) It's an apron.

A Napron?

Red Napkin is the finest in seasonal, pre-portioned meals delivered fresh, thrice weekly, that you cook at home together.

My present is cooking?

Cooking as a family.


You don't seem excited.

I thought you were taking me out, like a fun party date.

We can't party anymore. You're pregnant.

Like we talked about.

This is the next phase of our life.

And we both want that.

(group singing in Spanish)



(crowd murmuring)

(crowd murmuring)

Gracias. Gracias, mi hija.


(crowd murmuring)

(group singing in Spanish)

You speak Spanish?

Who doesn't speak Spanish?

Me. Edgar.

Look, Jimmy, if you're that freaked out, we can just unsay it, okay? Poof! Unsaid.

I'm not gonna start pretending.

I might as well start pretending there's a person who lives in the clouds who cares whether we survive cancer or not.

We are strangers, Gretchen.

Bullshit. We know each other.

Well, not really.

We live together, we trust, blindly.

But it's based on what? It's actual madness, willingly living with a wild animal but one with thumbs who can steal your money and hurt you emotionally.

So what changed? Why are you suddenly so freaked out now?


What? I don't like that. Stop doing that!

That's why you've been asking me questions all day?

You never cared enough to ask before.

Sam was right.

You are showing me, not telling me.

Listen, those words... they're like a-a verbal contract.

They're a promise.

And I am not ready to make that promise.

If "I love you" is like a promise, it's just a promise to, like, try real hard.

Doesn't mean you can't fail.

It doesn't?

Have you met me? The only way I can stomach any of this is knowing I can just bail at any time.

We can just... bail?

Yeah. I always have one foot out the door.

With everything.

Especially with us.

So you might just suddenly bounce?

Any minute.

I love you.



Come here.


♪ ♪

Listen, I'm sorry for earlier. I reacted badly.

Nah, you didn't.

Yes, I did. And I'm sorry.

Thank you.

'Cause, honestly, your health is all that matters.

We can just, like, have a nontraditional thing.

What do you mean?

We don't have to have penetrative s*x.

You know, you can just go down on me for hours, like earlier.


Ha-ha. Or we can get one of those s*x toys that looks like a dolphin.

Anyway, I am in this, regardless of limitations or what we can't do anymore. Okay?

Thank you.

I have to hit the restroom.


♪ ♪

(hip-hop music playing)

♪ I'm Steph Curry rapping, getting digit, loads of paper ♪
♪ Sippin' martinis, snuffin', huffin' giga-loads of vapor ♪
♪ Don Draper ♪
♪ Paper palace ♪
♪ Your house is all papyrus ♪
♪ House of cards falling down, round somebody killed Osiris ♪
♪ Medicare, Medicaid ♪

(kids giggling)

♪ And all social services ♪
♪ Nervous kid, I'll show your nervous grandma ♪
♪ Just what nervous is ♪
♪ Shit-talking cops like my name was Mel Gibson ♪
♪ Sugar tits, honey dip, choosy bitches prefer Tiffany ♪
♪ I'm so sky high while my mind's eye is boozy ♪
♪ I deserve to be blown before the Jacuzzi ♪
♪ I deserve to be blown before the Jacuzzi ♪
♪ I deserve to be blown before the Jacuzzi ♪
♪ I deserve to be blown before the Jacuzzi. ♪

(music ends)


(scattered applause)

Now, as y'all know, me and these fools were beefin'.

But squabbles is normal in a family.

So during that time, we wrote a song that really speaks to the soul of friendship in this incendiary cultural time.

It's called "New Phone, Who Dis?"

(record scratching)

Where's that simple-ass white bitch at?!

White bitch!

(record scratches)

Man (recorded): Here's the classic sound of the red-winged blackbird.

(bird chirping)

For our first meal, dear wife, we are having hominy and poblano pepper posole, with a warm mushroom salad and rhubarb grits.

Now, the chatters of a house wren.

(bird chirping)

I picked up a demi-bottle of Gewurztraminer.

Obviously, you can't have any, so I SodaStreamed some sparkling water with yuzu for you-zu.

Eastern meadowlarks came to nest in our yard...

Paul: Interesting fact: did you know an average ear of corn has an even number of rows, usually 16?

And humans have 32 teeth.

How's that for intra-kingdom synergy?

I'm so happy I get to do this with you forever, wife.

We have menus for the next six months already.

Thus, there are no surprises, ever.

Okay, let's see.

Menu number two is jerk venison with smashed yams...

(whimpers quietly)

...and garlic-ginger okra. Yum!

Lastly, we have the warbles of an American goldfinch.

(bird chirping)

(echoing): Meal number three is gomasio-spiced parsnip soup...




♪ When I first met you, baby ♪
♪ You were floating ♪
♪ Up above ♪
♪ I thought... ♪