03x08 - Genetically Inferior Beta Males

(clock ticking)

So, Gretchen, there's a topic we haven't broached yet.

How you seem to only own one pair of jeans?

You've been so focused on Jimmy's dad.

Has that stirred up any feelings about your father?

Nope!

What about your mom?

I've noticed some tension around the subject.

Tension? My mom's a baller-ass boss. End of story.

(gasps) Did you see Wheel last night?

Someone almost hit the million-dollar wedge.

I remember when they brought that out in '08, I was like, "What? That is nuts."

So, would you say she's controlling, manipulative?

If I biffed a tennis match, she would take away my sheets and pillows.

But that is what made me strong.

My friends had chill parents who didn't push them, and now they're all unmotivated babies.

Maybe if they had a mom like mine, they wouldn't be the pieces of sh1t that they are currently.

You know what?

I'm gonna fix those shitty babies, just like my mom would.

I would actually advise you not interfere with your friends' lives.

Too late. Doing it.

Of course you are.

(sniffs) Okay, Gretchen.

(clears throat) This is obviously not working.

The defensiveness, the mid-session naps, the things you're writing on the bathroom stalls, the name calling...

Oh, see, that one's on you. You let a dog on the bed once...

No one is forcing you to be here.

Are you firing me?

You don't fire me. I fire you.

Okay.

(scoffs softly) Wait.

Uh, let's compromise. Uh... if I fix my friends and prove that I'm right about my mom, do you promise not to fire me?

I'm not firing you.

That is not a compromise.

And I don't agree to any of it.

Great. Deal.

Seriously, jeans are, like, 20 bucks at H&M.

Get on it.

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪
♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪
♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪

(video game sound effects)

(elephant trumpets)

What are you doing?

Zoo Entrepreneur? What the hell is this?

It's a highly invigorating game in which one builds a virtual zoo.

Mine's called "Jimmy's Spectacular Zoo of Wonder "and Animal Friends Plus Cinnabons, Parenthesis No Edgars Allowed."

And you're a professional writer.

Gretchen, feeding the giraffe and washing the rhinoceri exercises everything that a writer needs for a productive day: problem solving, imagination, word having.

What's your giraffe's name?

Necky.

Jimmy, you have a deadline!

You need to be writing!

Gretchen, it's all writing!

No, it's not.

Playing, literally, the world's most boring game is not writing.

(gasps)

You know what's writing? (gasps)

Writing!

Sorry, bor... boring?

Why, just yesterday a seven-year-old fell into the koala enclosure.

He was not injured.

But he sure was severely nuzzled.

Gretchen, what are you... No!

No, plug the router back in! My zoo is cloud-based.

You show me some progress on your book, and maybe you'll get this back.

Uh, my female elephant has severe ADHD.

If I don't provide her with constant stimuli, she'll suck all the hair off her tail.

What's your elephant's name?

Persephone Cordelia Fitzsimmons.

Trunky.

(sighs)

(moaning): Oh, yes.

Oh, that's so good.

Do it.

Paul: Ooh, would you look at that?

A new poké place just opened up on Barrington.

Actor Peter Gallagher has shaved $100,000 off the listing for his home, which features mature fruit trees.

Imagine that.

(panting, moaning)

Oh.

The bulky item drop-off event is next weekend.

We could dispose of the broken wine fridge.

Pull my hair.

What?

Another iOS update?

These things are quite the nuisance, but...

Choke me.

...necessary for stability.

Almost there.

Oh, my God, Lindsay.

Did you know that every time you evacuate your bowels, you lose one-third...

Almost there!

...of the bacteria...

I'm almost there!

...in your body.

Goddamn it!

Isn't that amazing? (chuckles)

Oh. Huh.

Killian: "Simon startled, pulsing with desire, for he had dreamed of Kitty again. He wondered if at that moment, she was dreaming of him, moist and..."

This is the worst day for me to be absent from the zoo.

I didn't order extra pellets for the petting zoo.

There's no way that those goats don't develop a taste for human fingers.

Can't do this today.

You promised your agent two more chapters by the end of the week.

Well, we all make promises we can't keep, Killian.

(door opens)

Like you, with your Presidential Fitness Challenge.

(door closes)

Uh, are you okay?

Ever since my dad's roast, I've felt odd.

Just aimless, but suddenly awakened.

Like I'm accessing areas of my brain that have been shut off for years.

I feel like Bradley Cooper, you know, in that movie, uh...

Aloha.

...Limitless.

What is that body of water down there?

Is it some sort of public wash for the destitute?

Have you seriously never been to the reservoir?

There's a park, a running trail, a rec center.

Well, that settles that.

To the... reservoir I shall go.

I'd go with you, but I'm actually working on a new Dr. Weed video.

(door closes)

Did I ever tell you about my character, Dr. Weed?

He's this doctor who loves weed, but...

Mister?

Do you have any extra foods?

Oh.

Lindsay, you're a mess, right?

Boy howdy.

So, what is going on in your life that I can berate you into fixing my way?

Hmm. Let's see.

Well, I was having s*x with this hunk named Raul, and I was about to splooge, but then Paul kept talking and it went back inside.

(chuckles): I still can't believe you're cucking Paul.

I'm what now?

Cuckolding.

It's a subgenre of femdom.

Well, whatever it is, Paul's ruining it.

I just want to be normal and cheat on my husband without feeling guilty about it.

And here you are sulking about it like a loser.

You know what winners do?

They take what they want, no matter what.

So what are you gonna do about it?

I'm gonna... tell Paul to go away the next time I want to pork a rando?

And don't you come back without results, young lady, or else no Must See TV for you!

Why are you being so bossy?

Not bossy, Lindsay.

Maternal.

(gasps)

♪ I want to drive ♪
♪ Elsewhere in the place ♪
♪ In the dead of night ♪
♪ I want to see what makes ♪
♪ I want to see ♪
♪ Rusty cities ♪

(barking)

♪ Watch them fall ♪
♪ I want to see it all ♪
♪ I want to know ♪
♪ That there ain't no cure... ♪

You retrieved the projectile.

But why?

♪ I know ♪

♪ I know ♪

♪ There's something missing ♪
♪ I know ♪

♪ I know ♪

♪ There's something missing ♪
♪ I know ♪

♪ I know ♪

♪ It's all right. ♪

(howling)

(howling)

Do you guys watch Mr. Robot?

(East L.A. accent): Okay. Our first letter comes from Randall in Lubbock.

(Southern accent): "Dear Dr. Weed... (door closes) "...every soap I use in the shower dries my skin out."

(East L.A. accent): Randall, this is a very common problem.

My diagnosis is: twice a day, I want you... to smoke more weed...!

What's going on here?

(normal voice): Uh, cut.

Uh, just answering viewer mail.

I-I write the questions myself.

So what's the goal with this?

Oh, nothing. It's just something dumb I put on the Internet for my vet friends.

So you're wasting your most valuable resource...

My talent?

...your time, for no reason.

Edgar, this has potential.

Really? Thanks.

Because, you know, I thought...

But just because you got your period at 11 does not make you a woman.

Look, if you're gonna do these videos, you got to do them all the way.

(stammers)

Okay.

First, we're gonna blast the video sites and anything veteran related.

Mm-hmm.

I'll sneak it to some contacts.

Hey!

You have a comment from a journalist.

"I'm producing a new piece on how marijuana can help veterans, and I'd love to interview you."

So have you reached out to him?

Nah. I don't really want that much attention.

What's wrong?

Are you mad at me?

Sometimes I think I care more about this than you do.

No, no. I'm-I'm sorry.

I was just nervous. I'll e-mail the guy.

Hey, hey.

Is that the shirt you're wearing?

Hmm.

(kids chattering playfully)

(men chattering, basketball bouncing)

Man: Oh, yeah.

Shoot it, shoot it, shoot it, shoot it.

Go in, go in, go in, go in!

Yeah!

Jimmy: Yay!

Let's go. Let's run next.

You want in?

Well, I am trying new things today.

I am in.

Whose, uh... whose squad shall I be on?

The other one.

Screen, screen, screen.

♪ ♪

Hey, hey, hey! You, you, you!

♪ ♪

Watch screen, screen!

Yeah!

Shoot it!

Yes!

I win! I win.

(panting)

What an invigorating hand sport.

How often do you, uh, you fellows play?

(Jimmy screams)

Ow, my ankle!

W-We forfeit!

My-my team forfeits!

(groaning)

Nice and clean.

(shudders)

So clean.

(clears throat)


Hey.

Bear, can we talk?

Of course.

I love you so much.

And I want to keep being honest with you.

Oh, God.

I just noticed how hard it's been for you when Raul is around.

So, for your sake, I'll spend time with him, or whoever, somewhere else, so you won't have to watch.

For you.

You can't have relations with other men when I'm not there.

That's adultery.

Well, you're clearly not enjoying cucking.

Which is what we're doing.

And it's ruining it for me.

I am doing the hard work to be a better partner and tell you what I need.

And if you can't handle it...

I just don't know, Paul.

I just don't know.

So... this cucking is something many women fantasize about?

All of them. They all do.

(sighs)

Boy. Now I'm embarrassed by my prudishness.

Well, if this is an established, rudimentary fetish, then I suppose I am up for the challenge.

I'm going to research this fantasy of yours.

You'll see.

I'll be the best cuck ever.

For our family.

Family.

(groans) Are you sure it's not broken?

It's just a sprain. So what happened?

(sighs) I was hooping "b-ball" with some diverse local athletes.

Sick.

I am so stoked you called me for this.

Well, don't have insurance, so...

Anyway, thanks.

Uh-uh. We made a deal.

I'm doing your podcast.

You promised!

I don't care. I'm not...

Although, before yesterday, I thought I hated dogs, sports, hipster picnics and unrefrigerated cart fruit, too.

Do you know what? I will do it.

Hell yeah! This is gonna be the best episode since Adam Pally did that extended bit where he pretended he was pissed and didn't know why he was doing my show.

You're slouching.

Okay, almost ready.

Okay.

Good.

Edgar, tell the nice man what we talked about.

(whispers): What's the blue screen for?

Edgar. You can ask him.

What's the blue screen for?

Oh, uh, we have a really cool digital set that we composite in, like Tosh.0.

And this card?

White balance.

(whispers): White balance.

Just bring it up a little bit. Good.

Okay.

So, can you introduce yourself?

Well, my name is Edgar Quintero.

6th Battalion, 8th Infantry.

And what's your experience with the V.A. been like?

The V.A. is a great institution, but they're underfunded and understaffed.

People are literally dying because they can't get the health care they need.

And how long have you been treating your PTSD with marijuana?

Oh, um, th... that wasn't... that's not really...

I'm just not comfortable being so open about my self-medicating.

Plus, this is all a lot fancier than I expected.

They got a blue screen like Tosh.0.

Honey... you're doing great.

Now, if you don't get back out there, we are not stopping for milkshakes on the way home.

(exhales)

I have tried a bunch of treatments, but nothing has fixed my PTSD.

Lately though, I found that s... smoking pot has been really effective.

I even kind of feel like a real person again.

I don't know if marijuana works for everyone, but it seems to be working for me.

(TV playing quietly)

Is it bedtime?

It's still day.

Bedtime's for night.

As promised, wife, I've been researching this cuckolding fetish we now have.

Oh?

Certain men intuit that they are genetically inferior beta males.

So they get aroused by watching their partners copulate with someone of superior DNA, e.g. Raul.

Furthermore, I have a special present for you, my hot wife.

(giggles) Where's my present?

Right here.

The cage symbolizes the cuck's sexual inferiority and genital unworthiness.

By associating sexual arousal with...

(strained): extreme pain, my body will slowly learn that I do not deserve erotic satisfaction.

(cage locks)

Oh, God.

Okay, Paul...

(knock on door)

Part deux of my surprise. (chuckles)

Raul.

Raul's friend.

Good day.

You may take what you want.

♪ ♪

Oh, boy.

This is humiliating.

Your genetic superiority is extremely emasculating.

Oh, boy, that's my wife.

I'm a worm.

I'm a worm.

That's my wife!

I'm a worm! Oh, oh.

The cage!

Oh, the cage.

I was not expecting this.

Dude, I have, like, 20,000 subscribers.

Vernon, the guest shower is completely clogged by your curly hair.

I swear to God, if you're not taking your Propecia...

Hi, Jimmy. Let's test your levels, huh?

You're on the podcast?

Don't sound so shocked.

I interned for Frosty, Heidi and Frank.

(harmonica plays)

Announcer: This is Balloon Knot Media.

(fart sound)

Welcome to Vernon Down the House on Balloon Knot Media.

I am Dr. Vernon Barbara, joined, as always, by my lovely wife and sidekick...

Uh, cohost.

Hey, Bec. Aw, did I say "sidekick" again?

Hey, Vern. Uh, yeah, you did, you stinker. (chuckles)

Vernon: Visiting the man cave this week is a very special guest; he's a best-selling author, and one of my all-time best buds, Jimmy Shive-Overly.

(canned applause)

Welcome, Jimmy.

Uh, thank you.

So great.

So, Jimmy, where you from?

Savannah, Georgia.

(both laugh loudly)

That's great.

Uh, I'm actually from a small town outside Manchester.

England.

Oh, Jimmy, you are just too much.

Ah, that is great stuff.

So, Jimmy, are you in a good place right now?

Yes.

Even with the recent death of your father?

Becca: Oh, yeah. It gets real in the man cave.

He made Adam Pally cry.

That guy's got some stuff.

(brief dramatic music)

Woman (echoes): Dra-ma!

Um... well, we had a memorial service the other day.

That helped me get some closure.

And why was closure important?

(ticking clock sound)

(ticking stops)

Well, I guess my role in the family was basically to annoy him, so...

So you could get the attention you wouldn't otherwise get.

Is that why you moved to L.A., became a writer?

Becca: Had your nipple pierced for two weeks, or fostered that boa constrictor?

Aw, Squeezy.

Sounds like quite the weight has been lifted off you, then.

Yeah.

Guess it sort of has.

So, what's next for Jimmy?

I've been working on my new book.

Although, to be honest, I haven't been getting much writing done lately.

But I thought you only became a writer to piss off your dad.

Yes, I did become a writer to make him angry.

So, if he's gone, why are you still living your life in reaction to him?

So, if I'm not writing, because I have no one to write against anymore...

...who am I?

That's what I'm saying.

That's what he's saying.

(harp plays a scale)

Voices: Insight.

I can start over now.

Not in reaction to anyone, but in accordance to my authentic self, whomever I was meant to be!

(chuckles): Oh, my God!

What if what I was actually meant to do is...

I'm gonna stop you right there. Got to pay some bills. Bec?

(guitar music plays)

This week's Vernon Down the House is exclusively sponsored by Red Napkin.

Guys, I love Red Napkin, for so many reasons.

(fading): You know how sometimes you want a za'atar-spiced fennel stromboli, but you don't want to leave the house?

Hey, hon, you hungry?

Don't "hon" me!

Look at what you did.

Those numbers don't lie!

You know what else doesn't lie?

War heroes!

My name is Edgar Quintero, 6th Battalion, 8th Infantry.

Smoking pot fixed my PTSD.

The V.A.... expects all of us... to shut the hell up.

Marijuana works for everyone.

People are literally dying because they can't get marijuana.

People literally... dying.

They're... dying. People... are dying.

(militaristic rock music plays)

(TV turns off)

You got me in with the pot people.

They're the worst people.

Worse than people who study abroad or atheists or...

Ooh, what about children of celebrities who pretend that it didn't help their careers.

These pot activists leech off of people with legitimate problems in order to further their agenda, which is just getting high!

Why did you make me do this?!

I was looking out for your best interests.

Yeah, well, I'm done with Dr. Weed.

Hey! If I quit every time my mother pushed me to do something hard, I wouldn't have... I-I...

Okay, well, I guess I did quit eventually to start doing drugs and having unprotected s*x with college boys.

But the point...

No! No more advice!

I hate you.

(gasps) I was trying to help you fill your...

(door opens, closes)

(sighs)

Look what I made! I went to Kinko's.

Talked to some undergrads making a 'zine.

It's a lovely place. Anyway, turns out I've been living my entire life in opposition to my father.

And now that he's dead, I have no idea who I really am.

Am I even a writer? Who knows?

Maybe I'm meant to be a master carpenter, slash tree house architect, slash singer-songwriter.

(chuckles) Anyways, although my zoo animals are likely dead or escaped, I'd like to thank you for taking that router and forcing me to explore the world.

Okay.

I'm gonna go into the backyard and test some branches for load-bearing capacity.

(door opens, closes)

(phone chimes)

Hey.

Oh, sorry.

Look...

Jesus Christ.

Ugh, what is that?!

What...

Order mozzarella sticks like a person. (gags)

Anyway, I-I don't want you to cream your jeans or anything 'cause I know they're your only pair, but maybe my mom wasn't so great.

Seriously? What, did you hack my e-mail?

I mean, the pressure made me rad, but have you ever slept with no sheets?

So scratchy.

Five out of ten. Would bang.

Yup, that's her.

Gretchen: Actually, that was the first time I fell into a depression.

♪ ♪

It was after a tennis match and I had won, but not by enough, 'cause it was never enough.

And my mom was doing this... this food withholding thing.

I think she saw something about it on a TV show as a way to control your dog or something.

♪ Black lights on all night ♪
♪ The day coul... ♪