03x10 - Talking to Me, Talking to Me

(ringtone playing)

♪ ♪

(whistling breath)

"George Bernard Shaw."

♪ Let me see the future ♪

(sighs)

♪ Before I'm gone, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Let my friends all die ♪
♪ Before I go, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

(gagging)

♪ 'Cause I'm too old to die young ♪
♪ I can't even remember being young ♪
♪ I can't even remember being young. ♪

Oh!

Jimbo, you made me breakfast in bed?

Yeah, right. What have you done to merit breakfast?

Well, at least you brought me a mimosa.

Uh, no, that's my backup. It's stronger.

You might observe, "Jimmy, how zoetic and vital you seem today."

"How observant, G-dog," I might respond.

For today, I build my tree house!

You see, during Vernon's podcast...

During what now?

I learned that my father's voice has been in my head my entire life.

Dude, I have the same thing, but with my mom's voice.

It's like she's constant...

Yeah, as I was saying about myself, ever since the funeral, that voice has been slowly subsiding.

It is my hope that the final nail in that tree house will be the final nail in the coffin that is my father's influence.

R.I.P., dickhead.

I'm telling you, Gretchen, now that I have been de-fathered, my world is positively pregnant with possibilities.

Great, but isn't it your job to finish your book?

Is it?

I don't know anymore.

Oy.

I guess I can't talk.

I'm reading goddamn self-help.

Oh, yes, that's sure to solve your myriad problems.

My therapist recommended it.

It's about mindfulness, which is about being completely...

No!

I think you'd actually like therapy.

It's really helpful to look at your life from a different perspective.

Like when they stood on the desks in Dead Poets Society.

Didn't that one kid shoot himself?

Like I'm learning how because of my mom's impossibly high expectations, I can never turn my brain off.

I am really opening the trunk and seeing what's inside.

Don't you mean the hood?

Your trunk's just cartons of Mexican cigarettes, old Halloween wigs and five bags of clothes you never donated to Goodwill.

I really need to get a handle on this mindfulness sh1t.

I am doing the work.

I'm evolving, Jimmy.

I just don't want you to get left behind.

I think I'll manage. Anyway, look.

(sing-songy): Blueprints!

Do not touch with your syrup and-God-knows-what-else-since you-don't-wash-your-legs hands.

Look at us!

You're changing careers to building tree houses.

I'm exploring the roots of my mental illness.

Hey, before we change too much, you want to knock one out?

Sure.

Eh, you can start. I'll catch up.

(moaning)

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪
♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪
♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪

(muffled moaning and thumping)

Let's do this.

(phone buzzing)

Nothing can slow me down, but who says that eating on the run...

What is going on? You have been blowing up all morning.

High Times tweeted my Dr. Weed video, and now I'm getting all these annoying tweets from stoners.

I don't want to be a pot person.

You make videos with a character called "Dr. Weed," and you smoke all day, every day.

Listen, Dorothy, I stopped taking my meds.

What? You went off your meds and you didn't tell me?

Yeah. I didn't want to, you know, declare anything until I saw how it worked, and listen, a lot of vets are using weed to help with their PTSD.

I mean, sure, I might take a little longer to do some things.

Like this morning, I laughed for 15 minutes because the bathroom faucet kind of looks like a face.

(laughter)

But I feel... really good.

Better than I have in... forever.

Okay, well, then good.

I am so glad that you finally found something that works.

And if you do turn into a lazy pothead, then you can always be my house husband.

Speaking of which, let's do this.

Nothing can slow me down, but who says that eating on the run has to be boring?

With Snack Hacker snacker boxes, I get my daily recommended allowance of fun.

(birds singing)

♪ A wintery evening and vein 33 takes me back to the heart ♪

(indistinct voice on video)

♪ The show's going to start! ♪
♪ Dodging the crux of a highway stampede ♪
♪ I make a break for Liver Street ♪
♪ Soon I'll be out of the noose ♪
♪ And forgetting the life I lead ♪
♪ Honey, I'm home, hug applied, kisses blown ♪
♪ And I conquer the den ♪
♪ Mine to defend ♪
♪ Traces of happier days in the air ♪
♪ A photograph, a maiden fair ♪
♪ Reach for the button and nothing ♪
♪ But memories disappear ♪

(gasps)

(whimpers)

(grunting)

(sighs)

♪ ♪

(humming)

♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah. ♪

(munching food)

Mmm! Mm-hmm.

Mmm!

Mmm!

Will you knock it off and eat your goddamn nachos like a person!

What's wrong with you?

My therapist said I have to practice mindfulness, so I am focusing on the flavor of the food, the mouth feel, the swallowing, the reflecting... on my swallowing.

Jesus Christ, it's like trying to eat an area rug.

Eating slow?

But less food in mouth.

Did you know that things your parents did when you were a kid can affect you as an adult?

What?! You mean time travel?

Everything was a competition with my mom... grades, tennis, who had a lower BMI, even television.

During Wheel, she'd make me solve the puzzle before the contestants.

All this time, I thought my mom was scary but dope.

Turns out she wasn't dope at all.

So she's not dope.

This morning I realized my entire life, I've had my mom's judgey voice in my head.

If I don't learn to replace it with something else mo' better, I am screwed.

(groans) Oh!

Hot! Hot!

(softly): Hot.

(blows)

Wait.

No, no, no, no!

That's what you get for disrespecting nachos.

Okay, so here's your pie flight, double cream lemon, Kahlúa cream cheese and chocolate satin.

Aw, I'm eating for two for the last time.

Well, you had a good run.

You ready, lady?

Yup.

Let's go get this abobo.

♪ ♪

(breathing heavily)

Dad?

Dad?

(whispers): He's gone.

Yes!

A toast to my triumph, my creation completed after an honest day of manual labor, like the people.

Like men.

Thank you Herr Hammer.

I could not have done it without you.

I'll meet you below for a celebratory Pilsner shortly.

Madame Level, you have been integral to my success, from your green liquid to your bubble.

A bientot.

(level clatters on ground)

Señor... Drilly.

(chuckles) I counted on you most of all.

Go.

Enjoy a Campari on me.

Ciao, amigo.

(screams)

(yells)

(indistinct conversations)

Oh, man, so many of the girls that I coach are here.

It's like if you dig the student, you're really gonna love the master, right?

You're gonna kill it.

Hey, Dorothy.

Oh, hey.

(quietly): Hi.

You signed in for "Cute Yoga Girl," but I think we got our wires crossed with your agent.

We were actually excited to see you for "Overworked Mom."

Oh, okay. Great.

Awesome. We have a bathrobe you can just put on.

Yeah.

Excellent.

Uh...

Hey, are you sure this is okay? You practiced the other one.

Edgar, this kind of stuff happens all the time.

It's part of the biz.

Okay, I'm gonna go in the bathroom and rub off some of this under eye concealer so I look super beat.

Man: Hey.

Do you need more weed?

You're Dr. Weed, right?

Yeah.

I'm Doug Benson.

Oh, yeah, the, uh... the pot comedy guy.

Among other things, but sure, that's the brand.

Edgar Quintero.

Super funny vids, man.

Hey, you should swing by my "office" sometime.

I've got a project I think you might be interested in.

Wow, uh, yeah. That... that would be great.

So, what are you auditioning for?

Oh, I just nailed the role of "Sleepy Dad."

Hey, do you have a diagnosis for my character?

(Dr. Weed voice): Hmm, my diagnosis is... you need more sleep.

Just kidding.

You need more weed!

(laughs) Yeah, I thought that was going to be the diagnosis.

Why do cats get to have all the good tongues?

You sure you're okay if I don't go in with you?

I really have to do this meditation app.

Sure.

I'll go in alone. They know me.

Great, so, you'll be out in 40, 45 minutes.

40, 45 minutes.

(phone dings)

(phone dings)

(phone continues dinging) _

(chuckles)

Paul's boss: And another thing, Jillian, you are...

Who are you texting?

Paul: Can you hear him?

He's yelling at me right now.

Why can't I stop texting? I guess I just miss you so much.

Bye!

Give me that phone. Give...

(recording stops)

Difficult decision, huh?

Yeah.

Would you like to chat?

Maybe I can help you figure out some of your troubles.

Thanks.

So, what's bothering you?

Lindsay: Well... it started when...


All right.

Let's do this sh1t.

(soothing music plays)

Woman (soothing voice): During this meditation we will focus on being...

Mindful.

...mindful, where you are not in the past, not in the future, but in...

Present.

...the present.

Easy. Next.

Clear your mind and focus on your...

Breathing. surroundings.

sh1t.

And your breathing.

Yes! Suck it, lady.

(slowly): Notice the rise and fall of your chest.

Notice the rise...

Oh, God, so boring, I want to kill myself.

Eject, eject, eject.

(recording stops)

(seductive music plays, woman moaning)

(buzzing)

Edgar?

Edgar!

Where the hell is he?

Sure, when I'm trying to have s*x in my kitchen, he's constantly underfoot, but now...

Trees.

Trees.

What if Pauline Two... no, I am not writing today.

No, no, Malcolm! Shut up!

Characters, stop speaking through me.

Oh, my God, chapter 12. I could have Simon jump up on the speakers at the Oasis set at Glastonbury.

No, I am.... not-not doing this!

Oh, Simon, you brilliant, horny b*st*rd.

Suck it, Dad, I'm still a writer.

(buzzing)

(buzzing stops)

(sighs)

Oh, no, not today.

So then I heated up the condom in the microwave and I got a turkey baster.

Wait, I need you to back up.

Okay, so I wanted a popsicle...

Lindsay, do not let those pro-life assholes talk you out of your legal right!

It's okay.

I was already having second thoughts before this nice lady came over.

What, why?

If Paul and I get divorced, I'm not gonna have a family anymore.

Family.

Name one family that's just one person.

Suddenly Susan.

Listen, I know that becoming a real human being is a scary thing, but I'll help you.

I got your back always.

Thanks, Gretch.

All right.

I'm ready.

Bam, nice try, terrorists.

Another victory for women's rights.

Actually, I was gonna tell her to do it.

In my book, there are extenuating circumstances... rape, incest and... whatever this is.

(indistinct chatter)

Mr. Benson will see you now.

No, no.

Uh-uh. No.

I'm walking away from the table.

I'll call you from the chopper.

Sorry, I had to handle that before the European markets closed.

This, um... this place isn't what I was expecting.

Listen, I was looking at my third quarter staffing budget and I'd like to offer you a few days punch up on a show I'm doing for Waze.

The GPS app? Isn't that dangerous?

You'd think so, but no, the show's only gonna play at stop lights and in traffic.

So, what do you think you should be paid?

Uh...

$300?

Done.

Yes!

(softly): Yes.

Hey, you want to, uh... light up and celebrate?

Edgar, this is a place of business.

Thank you.

You okay?

What are you thinking about?

Pie.

You're thinking about what you're eating right now?

Of course. If I'm eating pie, I'm thinking pie.

If I have a fork in my mouth, I'm thinking fork.

You just had an abortion, you're divorcing your husband, and you're literally only thinking about what's happening in this moment?

Guess so.

Strawtini.

You might be some kind of secret mindfulness guru.

I'm gonna take notes.

Just, uh, speak your thoughts out, okay?

Strawtini.

Chew, chew, chew, little fart.

Waitress is coming over.

Here she is. Hi.

Can I get you anything else?

Talking to me.

Talking to me.

My turn to talk.

Neck mole, boobs.

Bye, waitress.

I miss her.

Gretchen's still here.

Hi, Gretchen. (chuckles)

Baby ears.

Ooh, a hang nail.

Pie again.

(laughing)

Oh!

Sto...

Hey.

I had such a productive day.

I just made $80 cleaning out this rich old lady's closet in Beverly Hills.

Awesome.

It is.

I have good news, too.

Ooh, did Jimmy make you buy more of those disgusting candies that I like?

Rum Christophers? (groans)

No.

I got offered a job, writing for Doug Benson's new show.

Wait, what?

Really?

Yeah.

You got a job writing comedy for a TV show?

Yeah. I mean, it's a short-term gig a-and there are a ton of liability waivers I have to sign, but still.

Wow, wow.

That's... you know that I know Doug, right?

Did you tell him that we're dating?

No, I didn't know you knew him.

Oh, yeah, for years.

Like, way back when he was doing his show at the theater, I used to bring him waters.

I can't believe that you didn't know that I know Doug.

You totally should've told him.

He would have lost his mind.

Anyway, congratulations.

That is so cool that he's giving you this opportunity.

I... I mean, I thought you didn't want to be a pot guy.

I don't.

But now I'm a pot guy with a J-O-B.

Can you believe it?

I'm a comedy writer!

I totally can't.

And...

I couldn't... have ever done it... without you, teach.

How about I go upstairs and I... (kisses) whip us up some of my famous breakfast soup dumplings?

Ooh, I love that.

Ah!

I'll be right up.

♪ ♪

(sighs)

Everything looks so different from up here.

(dog panting)

(crickets chirping)

♪ ♪

Walk.

(exhales)

Couch.

Remote.

Pat Sajak: Uh-huh, there is a "J." If you can solve the puzzle right now...

Wheel.

There is a jackpot of nearly $10,000 in addition to the money you have.

If not, you have to either buy a vowel or spin the wheel.

I'll solve the puzzle.

Go ahead.

"I Have The Wine" by Johnny Cash.

Oh, my God, you are so...

That is not correct.

(buzzer sounds)

Nope, just watch.

Jason.

Wheel. B.

(wheel spinning)

Breathe.

(applause)

Jason: "L," please.

Sajak: Yes, two "L's."

(ding)

Pick up that gift tag...

Calm female voice: Notice... the rise... and fall of your chest.

(door opens)

Hey.

Good news.

I'm hella mindful now.

Why are you covered in yard?

I did what you said.

I looked at my life from an outside perspective.

Yeah.

Doesn't it feel great?

No, it was terrifying.

I didn't recognize any of it.

What?

I don't recognize my life.

I don't know whether I made any of the right decisions.

Everything could be wrong.

Everything?

Everything.

(applause)

(wheel spinning)

It's "I Walk the Line."

Sajak: What do you want to do?

♪ All I want is ♪
♪ A pair of wings to fly ♪
♪ Into the blue of ♪
♪ The wide open s... ♪
♪ On clouds I'll sing and dance ♪

(dog barks)