03x13 - No Longer Just Us

"Simon and Kitty stood before Pauline's crumbling fieldstone marker. Moments later, in a nearby crypt, Simon repeatedly plunged into Kitty, the sounds of their passion mixing with the wet summer air and the cicadas' desperate, deafening, doomed song."

The end.

I inspired the ending!

You should put in the part about pulling out so she doesn't have a ghost baby.

Just kidding.

I think it's perfect.

I am so happy with it.

I mean, a theme that I hadn't planned on exploring was the fallacy of the very concept of the familial paradigm in art.

I mean, the idea still persists that family, somehow, automatically prescribes closeness.

Family is portrayed as a safe harbor, but nay, it is often the very Charybdis that yanks us to the fathoms.

But not you, buddy.

Not me.

I am post-family.

You are looking, finally, at a truly free man.

Like Thoreau.

Or the Unabomber.

So... are we okay?

Oh, my God, do we really have to do thi...?

Nope, nope, just checking.


Did you hear about this murder off Mulholland?


Yeah, it was four days ago.

They found this girl.

And... oh, that is gruesome!

[gasps] "Murder, She Tweeted"?

How do I not follow this account?


Her head was chopped off.

Her blood was drained?

Bloody symbols on the rocks?

[squeals] Jimmy!

This happened right near our house.

It could've been me!

Can we go look?

No way!

It sounds very scary.


[clears throat, then blows twice]





[imitates a dog begging]


You creepy, creepy murder girl.


They say, when a murder scene is fresh, you can still smell the fear in the air.

And afterwards, we can swing by Echo Park and get paletas.

♪ ♪
♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪
♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪
♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪
♪ ♪ [sizzling]

Anyway, the show's called Doug Loves Sketches, and it's a full-time gig.

Like, this is what I'm doing for a living now.

I'm a comedy writer.

Hey, can I get some salty black sauce for this egg rice?

Yeah. Where's your food?

Oh, I only have enough left for Jimmy.

Anyway, I'm super excited, but I'm also kind of nervous to tell Dorothy.

'Cause you're writing for an Internet show and nobody cares about that?

She's been really low lately and this might hurt her feelings.

So what?

Brah, she's taking that "D" on the reg; it's her job to support you.

You got to speak up and tell people what you want.

You are the master of your own destiny.

Don't be a martyr.

I was a martyr.

I almost martyred my husband, but I didn't.

You're right, Lindsay.

I should put myself first.

So, can I have some of your breakfast sushi?

Sorry, I licked it all already.

This is gonna be so rad.

Maybe they marked where the body is and I can lie down in it and experience her terror.

[Jimmy scoffs, phones chime]

Both: Oh!

Oh, my God, It's so ugly.

It looks like the fox in the Nine Inch Nails video [phones continue chiming] that's being eaten by ants.

It looks like it should be screaming at an old lady in an Aphex Twin video.

Why is its face so swollen?

Did Becca give birth directly over a beehive?

Even at an illegal baby mill, they'd be like, "Yeah, that's okay. We're good."

Both: Aw.

Both: Aah!

Oh, shitsticks!

Jimmy, Five-O!

Good spotting, Goose.

[tires peel out]

♪ ♪

[tires screech]

Jimmy: Hup!


17 seconds. New record.


[air hissing]

[opens folder] PAUL: Okay.

Page one... preliminary settlement offer.

[chuckles softly]

You're supposed to write it on a piece of paper and slide it over.


Here's my initial offer.

This is just a drawing of a cat.

It's just a starting point.

It's called a negotiation.

Now, you go.

My initial spousal support offer is $2,000.

Accepted! [clears her throat]

$2,000 a month, Lindsay.

I know, that's so much money.

I accept.

Negotiations are over.

You know, you have to pay for your own apartment.

Great. How much are apartments, like two hundo?

So, that's good.

No, Lindsay.

It's bad.

It's really, really bad.


I'm cucking you now.

I'm the hot wife.

I do not like this piece of paper.

I'm finally getting what I want, and what I want is to watch you burn.


Oh, yes.



[clears his throat]


Page two... 401K distributions.

Uh, hi.

Uh, Edgar Quintero.

I have a meeting with Doug.

Oh, sure.

Have a seat, Mr. Benson will be right with you.

Oh, uh, hey.

What happened to the other assistant?

She died.

Mugging in broad daylight.

Fortunately, the guy she mugged is gonna be fine.

[laughs] It's a joke.

It was stomach cancer. She went quick.

[typing on keyboard]

Hey, can I ask you a question?

Do you like your job?

It's pretty great.

It really suits my lifestyle.

I just sit around all day, answer some calls.

You're supposed to throw away your personal food at the end of the week, but a lot of people don't.

Gwen might be done with that açaí bowl, but Dutch isn't.

[soft chuckle]

Well, would you ever give up your job for a relationship?

Whoa, uh...

Well, that is completely out of the blue.


Come on in.


What's up?

Uh, listen, Doug.

I can't do the show.

My girlfriend...

Sloppy-blow-job Dorothy?

W-What? Um...

A-Anyway, she's... she's been going through a really tough time, and I feel like my having this opportunity is making her feel worse.

I see. Well, I'll be sad to see you go.

[intercom beeps] Dutch, can you get me UTA?

I need some lower level writer résumés.

I don't know, maybe I'm making a mistake.

I'm supposed to be supporting her, but really, by quitting, I'm not standing up for my needs, which is ultimately bad for our relationship.

So, maybe I shouldn't quit.

Oh, cool!

So, you just came into my office to not quit.

That's a pretty good use of my time.

So now I get to go to your house with a sandwich and be like, "I don't want this sandwich."

But then say, "I want this sandwich," and then explain why?

So, I get to do that now?


That's actually a really great bit.

Get a camera, shoot it over the weekend.

I'll get Andy Richter to play the sandwich and I'll see you on Monday.

All right.


All right, man.

I just e-mailed Doug my letter of resignation.


I'm willing to try this with you, dude.

I really don't think I'm gay, but is my life so perfect that I can afford to be closed off?

And when you think about it, homosexuality really suits my lifestyle...

Sitting around, chugging cold ones, playing vids...

What? No.

Assume you got to suck a dick once in a while, but whatever.

I've put weirder things in my mouth.

I-I-I was talking about me and my girlfriend.


Oh, no!

I just told Doug Benson I quit and to kiss my gay ass!

He's been nothing but nice to me!

Why do I keep doing this?

[sighs, chuckles]

Hey-hey, Doug.

Doug: What the hell is going on?

It was... I'm not gay.

Are you kidding?

I mean, I might be gay, but I'm not... I don't think I am.

Gretchen: [groans] I can't get an Uber to pick me up.

I think my rating's too low. What's yours?

Jimmy: Oh, bad. Apparently, they don't like it when you call multiple companies and make them race to pick you up.

[phone chimes]

[both yelling]

Becca's gonna be the worst mom.

You can tell just by looking at a kid, if they have good or bad parents.

Well, how?

[children shouting]


See that kid... black dress socks, stained shirt?

His parents don't give a sh1t.

Now, that one with the perfect fade, pressed shirt, he's totally hot.

His parents care a sh1t ton.

When I'm a mom, my kid is gonna look fly as hell 'cause I'm gonna care the sh1t out of that kid.

That kid's not that hot.

Now, that kid, he's tanned a perfect bronze, his bod is banging.

He doesn't even have a six-pack.

[gasps] Check out midriff.

Oh! That ass!

Like it was carved out of marble.

I think you two should leave.

How dare you?! [scoffs]

Who even becomes a third-grade teacher anyhow?

This has nothing to do with you.

"Oh, I'm not nurturing enough to be a kindergarten teacher...

This is between us and the urchins.

".. but I can't quite master compoundsentences.

Why don't you just go back to your job, you old cow?

Where do I belong?"

[phone chimes]

[gasps] Hey, my therapist is at Edendale.

Want to come watch me yell at her?

You mean, instead of going to the murder place?

Oh, hell no. On the way.

I just need you to see how awesome I've gotten at heckling her.

I found out she has diabetes...

Really opened things up, high-ass sugar-having bitch.

Jimmy: Huh, then we'll stop by the house and pick up the car.

Can you at least give me some money up-front to get started?


[clicks tongue]


[camera clicks]


Did you just actually open up a bank app and deposit it or did you just take a photo of it?

What are you talking about?

Did you observe people using e-check deposit and now, as a result, think you can just take a photo and it magically goes into your bank account?

[chuckling] Oh, my God.

This is so freeing.


I can finally say it.

You are so stupid!

Why does no one talk about how dumb she is?

She's like the dumbest person on the planet!

50 years ago, she would be sterilized for the good of evolution.

I'm not so stupid that I couldn't get you to let me bone another guy in front of you and make you think it was for our marriage.

[restrained laughter]

Get out!


[door opening]

Becca: Uh, excuse you.


Look who's here!

[chuckling]: Remember?

That talking baby movie?

Look Who's Here?

Well, I'll tell you who's here.

Tallulah. Ooh, ooh.

[in baby voice] It's me, you turkeys.

[Becca chuckling]

I'm ready, Vernon.

I'm ready to start a new life in Méjico and find a woman who really loves me.


Oh. Nah, I hadn't met the baby when I said that.

I love her so goddamn much, nerd.

Plus, I can't leave her with Bec.

She will JonBenet her fo' sho', or leave her on a bench at the Marina del Rey Rosé Fest or some sh1t.

You're really giving up those big naturals?



[singsongy]: Tallulah.

Uh, sorry, Paul.

You're not part of this family anymore.

[chuckles] You know, when I was in high school, you wouldn't have existed to me.

Now, we can just return to that natural state of things.

[baby coos]



Just go.

Get out of here, nerd.


Go on.




[door closes]



Found you again, dummy, just followed the trail of insulin needles.

[all laughing]

I pictured her so much taller and more muscular.

You told them about me?

You're not allowed to talk about me.

I'm so glad you came.

I Foursquared it, just hoping you'd see.

Oh, hey, hey.

Do...Do that thing where you call me names.

[chuckling] Ooh, yes, yes, yes.

Like... titty-sucking bitch?


Oh, I am going to miss that, Gretchen.

Actually, I'm...

I'm leaving town.

My boyfriend got into the dramaturgy program at the University of Iowa.

So, I feel like I need to support him in that.

He doesn't even have a car.

He uses Justina's credit card when he buys her presents.

Okay, shut up, you guys. He's on a path.

You're choosing your boyfriend over your career?

Oh, that's a terrible example for women.

And diabetics!


She's amazing.

Can I have her?

No! Look, we can still do Skype sessions, right?

Iowa has got the Internet, I think.


I'm gonna show you my titties, though, and then you're gonna try to suck on them through the screen.

[laughter] MAN: Oh, my God.

When you first came to me, you were out of touch, even with your most rudimentary behavioral patterns, but you have done the work and you have grown so much.

And I'm proud of you.

[voice breaking] Bitch.

Bitch to you, too, Gretchen.




♪ ♪


So, Doug Benson offered me a full-time staff job and I wasn't gonna take it because I didn't want you to feel bad, but instead, I decided to keep it, because I'm becoming a real person, which in turn, will make me a better partner for you.

Isn't that great?

Uh, slow down.

He offered you a staff job and you were gonna turn it down because of me? But I didn't. And now, I can support you while things are tough.


I'm not gonna make it.

What? [clicks tongue]

Why would you say that?

Because I'm not, Edgar.

I'm not, okay? Face it.

And the mere fact that you were even thinking of turning down this amazing gig because you feel sorry for me means you don't love me.

You pity me. That's not love.

I don't want that.

I'm moving back to Jacksonville, Edgar.

N-No. What?

No, uh, then-then...

Then I'll come with you.

I-I love Texas...

The barbecues, rodeos, South By.

No, Florida.

Oh, God.

Oh, no. That's way worse.

Look, I don't want you to martyr yourself for me.

I want you to stay here and have your dream.

But what about your dream?

Not everybody gets their dream.

Hey, if you know anybody who wants to take over my lease, will you let me know?

Thank you for being a wonderful boyfriend.

[chuckles] I'm sorry.

I failed.

♪ ♪

Becca: You've had enough?

Vernon: Who's hungry?

No? Who's hungry?

Not hungry? [coos]

So, um... is that formula only for babies, or can hungry big boys get in on it, too?



Don't you listen to him.

Can I talk to you for a minute?


[grunts] You got her?

I got her.

Careful, careful.

Hi, Tallulah.

Who wants the blues?

No, no.

No one wants that.

[plays harmonica]

♪ Weird poop in my diaper ♪

Just change her, for God's sakes.

♪ Spit-up on my chin. ♪

Can I live at your house again?

You mean, until a week from now when you change your mind and decide to move back in with SpongeNerd SquareFace?

It's over for real this time.


He called me stupid.

Can you believe that?

What? No!

You? What...?

I know.

Well, I just don't know if we have the ability to house another baby, you know, even if it is being raised by a financially disadvantaged single mother.

There's no baby.

It'll just be me.

Well, you would have to be Tallulah's full-time nanny.

Josefina quit because Vernon kept shooting Nerf darts at her while she vacuums.

Vernon: Yes! My kid just dropped a major duke! Don't worry, Beck, I got this.

I have to admit, part of me is jealous.

It's gonna be at least 18 years before I can divorce Vernon, cut my hair off, get a golden retriever, wear chunky knits, and just redo my kitchen.

Over and over, forever.

If I were you,I would revel in my freedom.


Vernon: Babe, can I get a little help up here?


Babe, baby, babe, help me! Babe, help me!

You know, so I realized I can't live with Becca.

I need freedom.

Hey, are you sure she's gone?

I'm sorry.

[flipping switches]

I liked that rando.

I know.

This is so weird.

I'm still not even sure what exactly happened.

I never understand anything that happens to me.

Are you okay?

I think, once she said it, part of me wanted her to go.

She was kind of bumming me out.


How horrible is that of me?

I mean, it's not supposed to work like that.


And then it does.

Are you gonna be okay here?

Even though I'm alone and broke and live in the poorest apartment in the world...

...I feel good.


I'll be by in the morning to help you... spruce this place up.

Thanks, Edgar.

I'll buy you a pizza...


Oh, wait. I just remembered I don't have any money. Can you bring me a pizza?


Good boy.


[door closes]

[man and woman arguing indistinctly]

[siren wailing]

[pipes clanging]

[shouting and clanging continue]



[symphonic music playing]

Jimmy! [gasps]

Oh, my God, it's so scary! [gasps]


What does it mean?

[whimpers]: Jimmy...

I want to touch it. Can I touch it?

[chuckling] Oh, Jimmy, I'm gonna touch it.

[shrieks, screams]

[laughing] Jimmy!

[crying] Jimmy!

What are you doing?

The world is absolutely lousy with people, and I hate them all.

I hate everyone... but you.

Yeah. I hate everyone else, too.

Now, let's look for clues.

You did something really horrible for us.

You went to therapy, and for me you did this.

And thus, you deserve as grand a gesture in return.

And since I am 100% psychologically sound and do not need therapy of any kind...

Gretchen, extraordinary, confounding Gretchen, she who emits more energy than a dying galaxy, despite not washing her legs, together we transcend the... mundanity down there.

Separate, it shall eventually consume us and turn us as mundane as them, and to allow that to happen simply because we were scared would be a criminal act.

Wait, but the murder...?

I made it up.

The article? The Twitter account?


The D.U.I. checkpoint?

Oh, no. That was real. No, we were way lucky on that one.


Jimmy, yeah, n... Wait. [sniffles]

You haven't actually asked yet. I am not doing that again.

Will you marry me?



[symphonic music continues playing]

You made a murder for me!

[crying and sniffing]

[music stops, cheering]

Hey, uh, you ever boned down during the Hollywood Bowl fireworks?

I mean, of course.

Yeah, me, too, but not as an engaged person.

Oh... [mouths]

I'll get us a hoodie from the car to lie on.

Hurry back.

This fits, you know?

You lost your dad, but... you gained me. [chuckles]

We're a family.

That's pretty cool, right?

We're no longer just whatever we were.

We're no longer... just us.

We're a family now.

♪ ♪


♪ If you go down to Heaven ♪
♪ You'll never come back ♪

Gretchen: Whoo!

♪ In my opinion ♪
♪ You're ♪
On the wrong track
♪ We'll always love you ♪
♪ But ♪
♪ That's not the point ♪

[car engine starts]

♪ Ooh... ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Throwing yourself away ♪
♪ Not even trying ♪
♪ Come on ♪
Come on
♪ You're ♪
♪ Lying ♪
♪ To me. ♪