05x10 - Magical Thinking

(birds chirping)

(footfalls approaching)

You look nice.

MARIAH: Thanks. You, too.

(Jimmy sighs)

(Mariah sighs)

You got it right.

For once.

I resent that.

I love weddings.

("Hey My Man" by Babes playing)

- (video game sound effects)
- ♪ Fill the drain ♪

♪ Turn on the shower ♪

♪ Wash your face ♪

♪ Till you're clean as a flower ♪

♪ Are you all alone? ♪

♪ And you wanna cry ♪

♪ When you're all alone ♪

♪ Every day's a new chance... ♪

- (yells)
- (clatters)

Damn it. My game is on there.

♪ Ooh ♪


(toilet flushes)

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway. ♪



Can you believe it?

Until our wedding.

Right, that. Crazy.


Do we have any travel mugs?

Got to get over to the event space, like, yesterday.

- (clears throat)
- (gasps)

- Got you something.
- f*ck yeah. Gimme.


Dope shoes.

Yeah. Not just any dope shoes.

Dope wedding shoes.

- I got some as well.
- Gretchen confused.

I've been reading up on some common wedding mistakes, and it turns out most people forget to break in their shoes.

So you want me to wear these today?

The one day my job requires me to walk around a bunch?

Have you been there the whole time?

- Mm-hmm.
- (gasps) Wow.

I've gotten really good at tuning you out.

Why do you have to walk around a bunch today?

Oh, well, thank you for asking, Edgar!

It's only the biggest event of my career.

Sam and the boys are dropping a new joint, so I organized this phat listening party as their big comeback. Plus, I convinced them to throw Nock Nock a verse.

Double plus, I billed him as this big mystery guest to get all the hip-hop writers thirsty A.F. to attend.

Genius, huh?

Look at us.

Just a couple of hotties, ready to get married,

- from the ankles down.
- (phone vibrates, chimes)

XL is coming?

(gasps) f*ck.

- (door closes)
- What?

How stupid are you?

Who are you talking to?

Gretchen has a very important event tonight, and you don't even react, let alone volunteer to go.

Why are you talking to me like this? What's happening?

I don't know.

Best I can figure, now that we're cowriters, I'm spontaneously reevaluating our relationship and realizing... nah.

- "Nah"?
- Anyway, you and Gretchen, I have thoughts.

You can be unsupportive to her now, but that will not fly

- once you're married.
- I am incredibly supportive.

You guys are supposed to be creating a life together.

The only way that works is if you take active interest in the parts of each other's lives that don't directly affect you.

Why would I do that?

Because otherwise, you'll never really be a couple.

You'll just be two people.

Let's get to work on the script.



(ringtone playing)

Mike, don't forget to not let me forget to text Sway in the Morning in the morning.

I mean, tomorrow morning.

Figure it out! Bye.

Ooh, what are you doing?

Boss sh1t. Walk with me.

Can you believe this place?

It's an old asbestos factory.

I found it advertised on Craigslist as a hipster wedding venue.

Cool, huh?

Yep. Real dope.

If tonight doesn't go flawlessly,

Yvette is gonna have my ovaries on a platter.

That woman plays like she's warm and caring, but that ho once fired a dude for getting ball cancer.

Sure, but shouldn't you be doing wedding sh1t?

- It's days away.
- Why does everyone know that?

Remember when you made us all download that wedding app 'cause it came with a coupon for Souplantation?

Oh, right... what the f*ck?
I never got my soup.

Look, if I can do this, I can easily pull off getting married.

What those words mean?

This job is not something I ever wanted, but now that I have it, I realize how important it is to me.

So I'm gonna really try for once, really knock it out of the park.


Jimmy is my job in this metaphor.

Oh! That's really smart.

Why are you dressed like that?

My smart girl clothes?

Well, I have a date tonight, and the guy's profile says he reads books, so...

(chuckles) Lindsay, you're not doing that thing where you try on a new identity for a man again, are you?

What? I don't do that.

You spent last week at Burning Man with that dude you met off Raya.

Don't bring Burner culture into this.

- (screams)
- Bitch, you are jumpy as hell.

What's wrong with you?

Nothing. Walk with me.

Oh, a walk and talk? Hell yeah.

You heard the track yet?

Ugh, no. Crap. I've been so busy.

For once, I believe you.

Yeah, it's like an actual competent person planned this.

Geez, maybe you'll even be able to handle being married.

That's what I said.

This is your room. I will check in later.

- I-I'm Honey Nutz.
- She knows.

This RSVP list is so long, somebody's gonna call the fire marshal.

I can't wait for the recap.

Y-You're not staying?

Forcing my staff to go on a team-building retreat just so I can have the office to myself is my form of getting drunk at a listening party.

Don't ever become a boss, Gretchen. It sucks.

What it do? What it d...?

Oh, no. Where do all those doors go?

Your green room is over there. I'll check in soon.

I hope you understand the magnitude of this event.

It's not just your ass on the line.

I really want you to rise to the occasion, Gretchen.

I'll try. Got to fix that light!

Hey! You have a face I've seen.

Can I get a ride back to the office?

Um, sure.

As long as you keep that sh1t off my leather seats.

Oh, no. Don't worry. This is all going in my mouth.


And... done with the adult breastfeeding scene.

Plus, I made a list of some great pub names.

Ready? The Erstwhile Butler.

First of all, I don't have the mental bandwidth to stay attuned to Gretchen's every little mood shift.

Fine. Hogwash and Smeagan. That might be my favorite...

Secondly, it is precisely because Gretchen and I lead separate lives that we're such a successful couple.

EDGAR: The Blunt Governess.

The Exchequer's Folly.

If we were to share every iota of our lives with each other, there would be nothing to talk about.

The Fox and Ferret. The Bullfrog's Ale-Wife.

Counter-instinctually, it is separation that draws us closer.


And that keen understanding of the human psyche is exactly why I am the one making mid-to-high six figures for a screenplay while you're here stuck pitching me pub names.


Where do you think you're going?

To go for a walk and find somewhere quiet to write the V-Day scene.

- Maybe the park.
- But I was talking to you.

And I didn't like the way you were talking to me, so I am calmly removing myself from the situation.


We'll go write in the park.

It'll give me a chance to break in my shoes.

Edgar, I said fine.

Wait for me.

(laughs) Which is why I'm wearing my smart girl outfit, even though my friend said it was a bad idea.

But what does she know? She and Jimmy are exactly the same.

Most people have to change a little to make sure someone likes them.

And anyway, who knows? I could read books.

(gasps) Whoa! No one's here!

Which means the bosses aren't here.

Well, I'm here, and I need to get to work.

Let's do something fun like rolly chair races!


Oh! Or leave fake love notes in people's offices.

Really f*ck some people up.

(laughs) Lindsay, you're very amusing, but I truly need to get to work.

I know! Let's raid the fridge for leftovers.

(chuckles) Who brings the best stuff?

- Well, always go Colin first.
- Yeah.

Then Rebecca, Torshiro, that weird guy from Accounting with the thing on his neck.

Ooh, yeah. Gross.

♪ Don't be jealous ♪

♪ Don't be jealous, don't be jealous ♪

♪ One, two, Nock Nock's coming for you ♪

♪ Three, four, Nock Nock's at your door ♪

♪ Five, six, now you got syphilis ♪

♪ Seven, eight, bitch, it's way too late! ♪

(screams) ♪ This is mayhem ♪

♪ Nock Nock coming straight from your a.m., I'm the illest ♪

♪ I got illness, I'm the trillest ♪

♪ I write thrillers... ♪

Did your boy bring it or what?

You absolutely brought it.

I can't believe you were that good.

Me neither.

I guess working with my idols made me step up.

Usually it's just me in the shower and Charles on the toilet running the beat.

Oh, dang, I forgot to remind the sitter to crush up Charles' medication in his Tuna Helper.

I'll let you get to that.

Hey, Gretchen.

Thanks for believing in me.

JIMMY: Let me explain something to you.

To primitive people, the unknown, like, "Will the sun come up tomorrow?" and "Why did a woolly mammoth just crush my Uncle Thag?" was so unfathomably terrifying that they would make up myths to give a false order to what seemed like a capricious, entropic world.

And this same type of magical thinking is why certain couples do everything together.

Tammy and Bernard both go to his dermatologist appointment because they think the combined force of their love and devotion will keep it from being melanoma, but it won't.

Do you know what will keep it from being, metaphorically speaking, melanoma?

Being f*cking interesting.

Remaining interesting as individuals will stave off the malignancy that is romantic complacency, not thirstily doing everything together, like Charles and Camilla or the Property Brothers.

You can admit you're scared to get married.

- What? I'm not scared.
- It's okay, Jimmy.

I no longer look up to you, so you have no height from which to fall.

Ah, I understand what's happening.

You're pushing me away before I get married and you're left out in the cold.

I didn't ask for this to happen; it just did.

Like when Neo saw the Matrix, I now see you as my equal.

Well, stop it.

(choral group harmonizing)

See? This illustrates my point perfectly.

This is something that Gretchen would absolutely lose her sh1t over.

But if she were here, experiencing what I experience, what would there be to say?

"Ooh, that was cool." "I agree."

"Should we just give up and die now?"


- That was cool.
- Yeah, it really was.

And if you were together, you could've both experienced it.

It would become part of the fabric of your relationship as opposed to something that just happened to you.

Let's keep walking. I need to break in my shoes.

♪ ♪

SAM: Bitch, you making me dizzy! Just go ahead and tell us

- what you f*cked up!
- (groans)

I was trying to think of a profesh way to say this, but, uh... Ooh, you guys suck ass on the track.

No, that is unfair.

You guys are very okay on it, but Nock Nock's verse is so good, he makes you guys sound like you suck ass.

- Don't even start.
- I didn't say anything.

What's going on?

I told him Nock Nock murdered us.

We got to find something else to play tonight.

We playing that damn track.

Do you really want to risk getting embarrassed?

I am an established artist with a worldwide fan base.

- Mm.
- Our okayest sh1t is worth more than that yellow-toothed redneck's entire life!

Come on, now!

Would you rather buy an amateur's best still life or a napkin scribble-scrabble by Picasso?

Would you rather eat your Aunt Diane's beef bourguignon or a plate of scrambled eggs by Ludo Lefebvre?

I got a version of the song without Nock Nock.

Great. We'll go with that.

I mean, that's probably the safer option, right? Yeah. Yeah.

So I did a good job and I'm being punished for it?

I wouldn't say punished... More like they want to nullify the existence of your verse forever in a constructive way.

You're playing that track tonight.

But I just told you I can't.

Nah, you told me your dinosaur clients are sad I murdered them.

Wow, I thought Sam and the boys were your heroes.

Sure, but everybody's heroes got to fall off at some point.

I'm the future of hip-hop, whether they like it or not.

Play my sh1t, Gretchen.

That's why I'm here.

If you don't, I won't be here, or anywhere.

I mean, I'll always be somewhere 'cause matter can't ever truly disappear.

But I won't be with you.

Feel me?

(giggles) So, after disc golf on the playa, while I was being treated by the medic for the scorpion bite, I had this feeling of... acceptance.

I f*cking hated every minute being in the desert with a bunch of dirty assholes, but...

I could learn to love it for the right person.

You can't force love.

But I want it now! I want someone to love me.

I'm ready.

I'll do whatever it takes, even if I have to change my name, my hair, the date on my birth certificate.

I'll leave out all the bad details of me, like that time I got an STD from that tall season four American Idol loser.

- Sanjaya?
- No, chlamydia.


What? I don't have it anymore.

Stop looking for who to be.

Because guess what.

You already are her.

I'm who?


♪ Take that lock and key ♪

♪ Lock them dreams up for me ♪

♪ Take that heart and soul ♪

♪ And never let it go, never let it go... ♪

You good with this?

Oh, hell yeah!

♪ And make sure you're on your way ♪

♪ Be what you want to be, want to be ♪

♪ And I'm not worried about yesterday ♪

♪ And I'm not worried about what tomorrow brings ♪

♪ Oh, oh... ♪

(line ringing)

Hi! Oh, no.

You're doing your intense meth lady smoking thing.

Is everything all right?

- Where are you?
- sh1t.

No, it's not okay.

I'm hiding in this weird lifty thingy, because it turns out that Nock Nock is a really good rapper and he made the boys look bad, so now they're demanding that I play the version without him.

But Nock Nock knows that he murdered them, so he's demanding that I play his version.

And our marriage depends on me being able to work this out.

- Huh?
- It's a metaphor, Jimmy.

No matter what I do here, I piss someone off.

Did you just say Nock Nock's a really good rapper?

This is a serious crisis.
What should I do?

Oh, okay. Well, let's think.

Perhaps there's someone nearby whose entire vocation revolves around handling crises. Huh?

Oh, look there's one.


Damn it.


Thanks for answering. I just needed to vent.

Any time.

You should be with her. She's gonna do something dumb.

Edgar, she told me her problem, I listened and solved it.

We had our separate experiences, then came together in the end, just like I said.

We don't need to be together to be together.

Then why did you lead us here?

Look, when we came across that zoo opera, all I wanted was to see Gretchen smile, but when I turned around, all I saw was your dumb face.

Sorry. I suppose you don't want me saying those kind of things to you anymore.

Nah, it's okay. It's kind of a dumb face sometimes.

Anyways, now that we're here, it'd be silly not to go in, right?

I think it would mean a lot to her. Yes.

♪ Like a preacher, lay my hands on it ♪

♪ I don't want it if it ain't no... on it ♪

♪ I don't want it, I don't want it, I don't want it ♪

♪ I don't want it if it ain't no... on it ♪

- ♪ Goddamn
- ♪ Throw my cash on it ♪

♪ I don't want it if it ain't no... on it ♪

What version am I playing?

♪ I don't want it if it ain't no... on it ♪

♪ I don't want it, I don't want it, I don't want it ♪

♪ I don't want it if it ain't no... on it... ♪

Play that one.

♪ I don't, I ♪

♪ Like a preacher, lay my hands on it ♪

♪ I don't want it if it ain't no... on it ♪

♪ I don't want it, I don't want it, I don't want it ♪

♪ I don't want it if it ain't no... on it ♪

- ♪ Goddamn
- ♪ Throw my cash on it ♪

♪ I don't want it if it ain't no... on it ♪

♪ Baby, grab on it ♪

♪ I don't want it if it ain't no... on it... ♪

JIMMY: Gretchen! Gretchen!

This is the first time I've seen her walk with purpose.

It's quite sexy.

I'm glad we came.

Me, too.

Thank you.

(air horn sound effect)

SAM: Okay, okay, okay, everybody!

(people cheering)

We appreciate y'all coming out to hear our new sh1t!

- Reboot!
- I'm Honey Nutz.

But first let me introduce to you the mystery artist y'all been waiting on.

Give it up for my dude Nock Nock.

(cheering and applause)

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll be hearing his sh1t very soon.

Very soon. Like right now!


Actually, less soon than that.

Hey, so what'd she say when you confronted her about the pills?

- Nothing. I didn't ask her.
- Why not?

Because we don't do that.

Jimmy, she's taking more and more, and some of the really weird stuff.

She's fine.

This isn't old depressed Gretchen.

She's up and about. She cares about her job for once.

She's fine.

SAM: ...check out our new joint, featuring a beat by DJ Squirt Squirt.

"Don't Be Jealous"!

HONEY NUTZ : "Don't Be Jealous."

Yo, hit it, DJ. Drop that track.

(beat playing)


Which version do you think he's playing?


MAN: Yo, let's hear that sh1t.

DJ: Oh, yeah, oh, yeah...

Where'd she go?

DJ: It's time to turn up, it's time to get...

- (alarm ringing)
- (people shouting)

- (Lindsay giggling)
- Stop. Stop.

(both laugh)

It was fun hanging out in the boss's office.

- Huh?
- That was really nice.

I know this is kind of fast, but... would you want to get together sometime to maybe eat each other's pussies again?

No one's ever put it quite that way, but... yeah, I think I do.

- (chuckles)
- Ooh.

- Huh?
- You have some lipstick.

Are those mine?

Keep 'em.

(phone rings)

Yes, this is...

What? Well, is there a fire or not?

What's wrong?

Sorry, I need to handle this.

Good night, Miss Thompson.

YVETTE: Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Miss Thompson?

All right, I'll be there in a minute.

Yvette Thomp...


♪ When I saw you there in the moonlight ♪

♪ I started to cry ♪

♪ For you were there with another girl... ♪


♪ And you were my guy ♪

♪ And then I knew that my plans ♪

♪ And my dreams now were all in vain ♪

(siren wailing)

♪ And the tears came tumbling ♪

- ♪ Whoa, tumbling
- ♪ Tears came tumbling ♪

♪ Down like rain ♪

♪ I watched you holding her hand ♪

♪ And you whisked her so tenderly ♪

♪ And I thought of the time when I'd once loved you ♪

♪ Here was me... ♪