05x12 - We Were Having Such a Nice Day

(horror music playing)





Not the tickles!



Come on, honey.

Let's go inside.

- I have this pretty stick.

- Oh, it's a cool stick.


This mud was probably a little too much, huh?

I'm gonna leave you anyway I'm gonna leave you anyway Gonna leave you anyway.

GRETCHEN: Holy sh1t.

Holy sh1t.

Holy sh1t!

All of it?

And with 24 hours to go.

(both sigh)

- (both scream)

- That was so much work!

An incredible amount of stupid, idiot work.

- I hate work, and that was - Of which I did most.

Okay, now that's really open for debate.

I'm just saying that I did all of it.

And not really the point.

This is really my wedding.


My second marriage, I'm eloping.

- No doubt.

- Why isn't Edgar cooking us some pre-wedding fritters or some sh1t?

Oh, he's putting the finishing touches on his Best Man Jimmy day.


Lindser and I got to run all over town getting this face and body camera-ready.

Do you think I need to?


No one's gonna be looking at you.

Literally no one.

You're invisible tomorrow.

No one gives a f*ck.

You could die.

I can't believe how not freaked out I am.

I thought I would be sh1tting my pants the day before my wedding, but I just feel so good since I came clean to you about everything.

You have given me a gift no one has before.



Unconditional acceptance.

Jimmy, it's all I ever wanted.

I finally feel truly safe.

God, I'm genuinely touched.

So safe, in fact What are you doing there?

So safe I feel like I can do anything and you'll never leave me, no matter what I do.

Why would you do that?

It's a metaphor for how I can do anything I want now.

Yeah, a metaphor I'll be cleaning up.

You know you don't need to fix my problems, Jimmy.

So you're gonna clean it up?

Cleaning it up ruins the metaphor.


Did you get LASIK?

Oh, good Lord.

Costume changes?

I guess I won't see you until You're walking down the aisle in hilariously incongruous white?

BOTH: Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss!

- EDGAR: Kiss!

- LINDSAY: Have s*x, have s*x,

- have s*x, have s*x.

- All right.

Let's get this over with.

Don't lose him.

I need that piece of sh1t to marry me tomorrow.

- I won't.

- (chuckles)


I guess I'll go get dressed.


Before you put on your pants, where's your favorite place to go?

- Nowhere.

- That's where we're going.

Are you serious?

I don't have to put on pants?

You can Donald Duck that sh1t because this is your day.

Everything is coming to us.

Manis, pedis, facials, food, booze.

Thank you.

I am stupid excited to hang out with you.

- Same!

Extra stupid.

- So tell me the haps.

What was it like munching Yvette's puss?

- (knocking on door)

- Oh.

Mani-pedis must be early.

Hello sir?

Sorry, wrong door.


You have to get rid of her.

I'm serious, whatever it takes.


(clears throat)



Gretchen, why aren't you wearing pants?

Do you not shave above the knee?

I thought you and Daddy had plans today.

Your father wanted to go to the Reagan Library, but I've already been there so many times.

Hi, Mrs.



So nice of you to surprise us.

Gretchen, who is this person?

Is that the right word?

I want to be an ally, but they make it so hard.

- How's your hotel, Mommy?

- Dreadful.

They put us near the elevator, so I made them move us.

I had to go out into the hall, then we were near a baby, so I (clears throat)

For your butt.


Got to go.

You are bailing on me the day before my wedding?

I'm sorry.

I love you, I love you.

You're on your own.


Is this a built-in couch?

Must be impossible to clean.

And you enjoy walking on the bare floor?

On the eve of this major turning point in your life, we embark on three stops.

This first stop represents a dream from your past.

Something you used to talk about but never got to do.

Sochi 2014.

You wouldn't stop talking about curling.

No sport more misunderstood.

No players more understandably hair-trigger defensive than those of curling.

f*ck yeah.

- Ah, ah, ah

- Too cold Can't move, too cold Yes, sir Too cold I-Ice cold, watch your steps

- Yeah, yeah

- I'm 'bout to watch my breath So cold, ain't got no threats Stand firm, arms folded across my chest So cold

- Ah, ah, ah

- Too cold They drop us below zero We ain't moving, we too froze We can't move, we too cold Can't move, too cold

- Yeah, yeah, yeah

- Can't move Too cold We can't move, we too cold Ah, ah, ah Can't move, too cold

- Can't move

- Too cold We gon' weather any weather Won't fall down, no pressure

- Oh, yeah

- Want my ego below zero When I'm humble, I'm better Boy, they sick, get stretched This cold world will come get you They'll pull you down if you let 'em The clique froze, I don't mean ice on the wrist Though, I mean we ain't changing To get dough Cold don't mean we ain't lit, though, yo You might be trippin' if you see the vision You catch at the clique's shows Fueled by the risen who's livin' While others spit fire, we spit snow (laughing)


- We gon' weather any weather

- Yeah Won't fall down, no pressure Want my ego below zero When I'm humble, I'm better We still fly with no feathers They'll pull you down if you let 'em Oh Oh Too cold.

(horror music playing)


Are you me?


(chuckles): Oh, thank God.

For a second I thought I was in a Black Swan.

Becca is being reckless with her health and, therefore, with the health of my progeny.

She butt-dialed me from a wine tour.

Gretchen's bitch mom ruined my day, so let's sort this sitch out.


Get over here.

And bring back all the TP you stole.

Last night I had to wipe with a sock.

Have you ever considered curtains?

How's Daddy?

Is he playing a lot of golf?

How's his knee?

He's fine.

Oh, before I forget, I need to see the seating chart.

- Now?

- Thank you.

Can you make it bigger?

Go up.

You sat Robert next to his son?

You have to change it.

Who is this Paul person, and why doesn't he have a table?

What if you moved him?


Paul throws everything off!

I'm sorry.

Uh, the chart took forever.

Do you know how embarrassing it is when people ask me about the menu and the flowers, and I just have to shrug and say, "I suppose I'll see"?

Other than that phone call in the middle of the night to let me know that you and Boone were getting married, you've haven't told me a thing.

You sure we haven't talked about the wedding since then?


That's really funny, because I just realized now that there might have been an assumption that I might have inadvertently forgotten to set the record straight, and you might still think that Mommy, I'm marrying Jimmy, not Boone.

- Mommy, I said I'm - I know you're marrying Jimmy.

I'm not a complete idiot.


Then why are you here?

Our daughter is getting married.

We've had front row seats to all your mistakes, so why stop now?

Do you have a saltine?

I'm a bit peckish.

(cheering, clapping)

EDGAR: Okay, for our second stop, Jimmy,

- this one represents

- Oh, let me guess.

My present.


Your present is now, why would you need to visit it?

No, it's your past again, but this one is bad.

It's all the anger and stress and anxiety you've held onto, and it is time to let it out.

(crowd whooping, cheering)

It's a smash room.


A safe way to externally fight the demons within.

I can see how you might be drawn to this, but as someone who lives his life honestly, I have no need for a safe space to vent the impotent rage I simply do not possess.

("Revolution" by Varg playing)

(crowd cheering)


(man singing in German)


Ah, yeah!





Studio system!

Signature cocktails!





CROWD (chanting): Do it!

Do it!

- (grunts)

- Do it!

Do it!

Do it!

Do it!

Do it!

Do it!

Do it!

(chanting stops)

I'm getting married, Papa.

Aw (Jimmy crying)

Paul, Becca, please keep in mind what's important is the welfare of a child that's going to exist soon, so let's clear the air and everyone agree to stop ruining Paul's baby, you heinous bitch.

I'm not ruining his baby.

I can't help it if the baby craves unpasteurized cheese.

- And sushi?

- I didn't eat sushi.

It was sashimi.

Rice goes straight to my hips.

Chillax, dorkus.

It's good to challenge babies' immune systems.

That's how you make an X-Men.


You agreed to follow a rigorous meal plan, to do yoga and Pilates, to play it trans-vaginal Mozart.

My wife's not jacking it with that dildo speaker to play your kid nerd music.

- It's all in the contract.

- Since you brought it up, I do have a solid legal basis for increased parental rights due to the altered method of insemination.

You want parental rights?

No, I just said I have a legal basis for parental rights.

Plus, I do have a geriatric womb and might not ever get pregnant again.

What if I never get pregnant again?

I'm not gonna lie, I was hoping we'd get a do-over someday.

Tallulah's great, but face it, we're not turning that boat around.

Vernon, we have to keep this baby.

I can already feel how much it loves me.

She's bluffing.

When Bec and I were kids, she would threaten to kill herself if I didn't give her my Choco Taco.


Just tell me how much.

Paul, you can't put a price on a mother's love.

But if you want to put a price on a mother's love, - low mid-to-mid six figs all in.

- Six?

If you're not willing to give everything you have for this baby, maybe you don't really want it.

I think you might be right.

- What?

- I love the idea of a child, but I don't think I'm ready for the reality.

I think I think I'm out.

- Thank you, Becca.

- Paul, no.

I'll be okay.

Maybe I'll take the hundreds of thousands of dollars I already put into a college fund and use it towards my travels.

Babies are the real trip.

All kinds of new experiences.

The nonstop screaming, clipping them tiny fingie nails, not being able to run out right quick to see the new Minions movie 'cause some little dummy might roll over onto her face and die.

I think it may be best for all if I begin my travels immediately.

Paul, you can't leave.

It's your baby.

- (laughs softly)

- (door opens)

Wait, Paul!

We were bluffing.

I can't do it all over again.

You can't make me.

20 grand, all in.

30, or I kill myself.


- Done.

- Done.

And when she refused to stop parking in front of our house, I simply had Enrique change the sprinklers to go off right before she had to leave for work in the morning.

You think this marriage is a mistake, and you weren't gonna say anything?

(groans softly)

Do we have to talk about this?

We were having such a nice day.

Actually, we do have to talk about it, and we're not having a nice day.

This is a terrible day.

You are my mother, and yet you refuse to ever talk to me about anything real.

I was just telling you all about the new Oriental family next door.

Anything real, Mother.

You're so afraid you might hear something unpleasant.


You always have to be so provocative.

It's the day before my f*cking wedding, and you know nothing about me!

- What don't I know about you?

- (chuckles)


Let's see, uh, in high school, I had more s*x in your bed than you did.

Granny's Homer painting that's been in the family for decades?


I sold the original to buy acid.

I said that my piano teacher "bad-touched me" to get out of a recital.

I'm gonna go have a cigarette.

Congratulations, Gretchen.

You've driven the help away again.

The hamster didn't escape, I forgot to feed him.



I didn't graduate from college.

I know all of this, Gretchen.


No way.

You would have tried to stop me.

When could I ever control you?

When did you ever try?

Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, all the terrible sh1t I did was a cry for help?

Your father and I didn't want to indulge you.

Why not?

You wouldn't have figured out how to take care of yourself.

I can't take care of myself!

I have been suffering in the dark with a severe goddamn mental illness for my entire life!

Oh, stop it.

Just because you're blue now and again does not mean that you have an illness.

You caught me drowning my American Girl dolls.

Why didn't you do anything?!

This is really too much.

I tried to kill myself, Mommy.

I did.

When I was 17.

I really wanted to die.

I really did.

I sometimes still do.

You're right.

Nothing we did was ever enough for you.

Don't you think that if I had talked to someone (crying): when I was 13 or 17 or 26, that I would be better now?

That I wouldn't be this person?

What do you want?

Do you want me to hold you and tell you that I'm miserable, too?

That I haven't felt love for your father, for anyone, in 20 years?

That I would kill to have an affair but I'm too scared of what people might say?

Or worse, that no one would have me?


Well, I don't.

Everyone's fine.


Life is good, Gretchen.

I don't know why you have to make it so difficult for yourself.

I don't make it difficult.

It is difficult.

To be honest, it feels like No one wants to hear these things.

If you insist on sharing them, you'll just push everyone away.

You're wrong, Mommy.

Maybe it'll push you away, but not Jimmy.


(inhales sharply)

Last stop on the train.


Is this a private club?

Where powerful people talk about their mistresses and topple governments?


And you're now a member.

It doesn't actually unlock anything.

You just show it and you get in.





No, they'll sniff me out.

No, that-that's the point of this day.

You still think of yourself as lowly, poor, undeserving on the outside, but, Jimmy (chuckles)

you belong now.

Go ahead.


And it all but seems My lifetime dreams have ended And I know some people hope They won't come true On Lankershim, Lankershim I can't start to live here anymore Yeah Oh I walk away, I walk away When someone loves you But you just can't figure it out Just walk away, just walk away Just walk away Oh Oh, you walked away, you walked away.

- (sighs)

- Carve out sauvignon blanc in the third trimester, and you can do whatever you want with my placenta.


Threaten the well-being of my child again, and I'll sue the britches off of you.

You jerk!

- (exhales)

- You were gonna leave.

I wasn't serious.

I was calling Becca's bluff, like you said.

I believed you.

Well done.

Anyway, I'm glad you're staying.

So, I guess I'll see you tomorrow for the big day.

Give me a call if you need anything, or even if you just want to talk.

Does anybody talk on the phone anymore?

(both laugh)

"Klondike one nine, patch me through, Midge.

" (both laugh)

I don't know what you're doing, but okay.

Bye, Paul.

(clears throat)

(door opens, closes)


(phone ringing and buzzing)

Did I forget something?


You said to call.


Do you want me to come back in?


This is nice.

Hey, Paul?


How do fish sleep?

Oh, golly.

It's weirder than you think.

For starters, fish don't have eyelids.


You're leaving?

I have to go meet your father at the hotel.

Apparently, he and the docent got into it about Reagan's handling of AIDS, and he's still a little wound up.

I will see you tomorrow.

- You're still coming?

- You know, I see young people, daughters of my friends struggling with the question of having children, and I just want to tell them, "Don't.

It's not worth it"

- Mom.

- I'm serious.

What pleasure is it?

You don't like me.

Your brother's a child.

You wanted real.

Whatever you think of me, it's my job to want more for you than you want for yourself.

But if you need someone who doesn't push you and embraces your flaws, I'm glad you found Jimmy.

I wish you had that, too, Mommy.

See you tomorrow.

(door opens)

(door closes)


What a rush.

I was on fire.

They followed my stories.

They understood my obscure allusions and complex wordplay.

They loved me!

You just found your people, Jimmy.

You found my people.

You know, it is both infuriating and humbling how thoughtful of a friend you are.

You've seen me at my worst, and yet you've always seen my worth.

And still, it took me years, literally, to see yours.

- It's okay, Jimmy.

- No.

No, it's not.

You are and have always been my best man and my best friend.

Thanks, Jimmy, I, uh I thought this conversation would be easier after everything we did today.

I wanted to remind you how far you've come, how much you've grown, so I can say this: don't marry her.

You told me not to lie to you, and the truth is, you can't do it.

You can't marry Gretchen.


No, Edgar, we're we're in a good place.

I mean, she came clean with me.

She's stopped lying to me.

- For me.

- I don't think it's enough.

Because even when you tell each other the truth, you don't do anything about it and you just end up hurting each other.

I'm not gonna hurt Gretchen.

Not in ways that count.

She's a tough girl.

- Beautiful.

Are those your vows?

- f*ck you.

You guys hold how you don't judge each other as this great thing, but it's really not.

It's just a justification for your guys' selfishness.

You love each other, but that's not the same thing as being good for each other.

- You stop talking.

- I'm sorry, Jimmy.

I'm right.

You know I'm right.

I don't give a sh1t what you think about our relationship.

I never have.

You're pathetic.

You're nothing!

I talked to the venue and the caterers.

- Stop it.

- And they are willing to give you half your deposit back if you cancel now.

We can get in my car and drive to the desert.

We can drive to San Francisco.

We can just drive wherever, just as long as you

- We are done.

- Jimmy.

I don't want to see you ever again.

(voice breaking): You'll destroy each other.

There is no way I'd rather go.


(exhales shakily)

(phone chimes)

Forever and a day We'll dream our lives away Our love is here to stay Marry me I'll give you every color of the rainbow

- (glass crunches)

- Aah!

(inhales sharply)


They'll say it can't be done But what do they know?

You'll never be alone And I'm a baritone Marry me I'll gaze into your eyes And say I love you There'll always be a rainbow right above you Forever and a day We'll watch our children play, I know