01x02 - Hiring and f*ring

[bunniefuu]

Mindy (narrating): If you look hard enough, you can see love everywhere. Take my commute to work. Every stage of life and romance is on display-- the shy glances of new love blossoming... The passionate embraces of young lovers... Two old folks who still seem pretty into each other.

Would you please stop narrating?

I can't help it, Danny. I can't have these beautiful insights and not share them with someone.

Can you share 'em with the people over there? They might want to hear 'em.

No, I'm standing next to you, Danny.

I can't run into someone I know on the subway and not stand next to them-- It's weird.

It's not we-- What's weird about it?

Weird--weird would be if the train stopped, and when you got off, it was suddenly the 1940s.

Whoa. Then what happens?

Look, it's just an example.

I'm not trying to tell you a story.

Are you serious? That's, like, a great--

You're kind of a natural storyteller.

Okay. Okay, that's enough.

Or the bitter divorcee, clutching his newspaper, stewing over a lifetime of rage and regret.

But under that gristle and icy exterior, does a warm heart b*at?

No. Only time will tell.

No, time won't.

Yes, time will.

[Upbeat dance music]

Morning, you guys.

Morning.

I brought you the bottom half of my, uh, movie-theater candy.

Ooh, yes. Ooh.

You will not believe what happened to me this weekend.

I met a cute guy at a bookstore.

Oh.

I do that on the lnternet at, like, 50% off and free shipping and no tax.

Oh, my God.

$28.95 for a book?

But luckily, this time, I made an exception, because if there's one thing that I can never resist, it's a good tote bag.

Hey, are you gonna buy that book?

I was thinking about it.

I'm only asking because I have two books and you have one.

So, if we combine them, I could get a tote bag.

But why wouldn't I get the free tote bag?

'Cause you're a guy. What do you need a tote bag for?

I can store all my tote bags I don't use in it.

[Sighs] All right, well, um, I'm gonna go ask that old lady.

Maybe she'll play ball. See ya.

Whoa, wait, wait, wait. Maybe we can work this out.

How? I'm thinking joint custody.

You get the tote bag during the week.

I'll take the tote bag on the weekends.

Yeah, I can live with that. All right, great.

Shall we go Shakespeare?

No, no. I don't support Shakespeare.

I heard a story that he didn't write any of his plays.

He made his butler write them, and then he took all the credit.

So you're saying the butler did it?

That sounds pretty dumb. But if it is true, isn't that the most despicable thing you've ever heard?

So did you get your tote bag?

Yeah, but, you know, it wasn't really that great, so I gave it to a homeless guy.

But before that, he took me for frozen yogurt.

Yeah, so that's when I decided that I wanted to be an architect.

Mm, nope.

What's wrong? Mm-mm, nothing.

It's just, it doesn't really taste like key lime pie.

Don't worry about it.

No, I am gonna worry about it.

Let's go fix this.

This one's bad too?

Uh... Come on, let's go.

Mm.

Are you kidding me?

Do you maybe just hate yogurt?

It's really good. Thank goodness.

You know, in the end, this walk only cost me, like, $50.

Um, it was worth it. I will pay for dinner.

That only seems fair.

Danny: What a nightmare.

Four different stops just to ask you out?

I mean, how much time does this guy have on his hands?

Sounds like a bum.

Uh, that's rude.

And it's not true. Why?

Because he does have a job.

Guys, he's an architect. Ugh.

[Both gasp] An architect?

I mean, come on. No one's really an architect.

I mean, that's a job that guys have in the movies.

Well, call me, uh, Reese Witherspoon, 'cause I'm going on a date with an architect tonight.

Up here. Whoo.

Nice. Thank you.

Come on, Danny. Yeah.

Okay. Bye, guys.

Hmm. Uh, Beverly?

Hey, what's up?

Oh, I'm sorry. Do you want some privacy?

For what?

Okay, um, yesterday you told me that Mrs. Chang's blood results would be ready today, but then I called the lab, and they said you'd never submitted them.

I don't know.

Maybe I left 'em at home.

You took blood samples home with you?

I want to change what I said.

Beverly, have you been smoking in here?

No, mom, I have not been smoking pot in here.

Whoa, who said anything about smoking pot?

Look, I'm hungry. I'm going to lunch.

Move, please.

I--

Beverly! Okay.

Welcome to my office, everyone, and thank you for attending this meeting.

Please, enjoy these refreshments that I've thoughtfully laid out for you.

So now anyone can just call a meeting?

Well, I'm a partner here, and it's not uncommon for a partner to call a partner-wide meeting.

Is it Oscar ballot season again?

No, not yet. That's march and February.

Don't worry. I'll let you know about that.

This is actually serious.

We have all known for a long time that Beverly is awful and bad, but it used to just be that you would kind of hope you never interacted with her during the day.

Today I found these under a cushion in the conference room sofa.

Blood, you guys.

Oh.

This one says "Short, comma, Asian," and this one simply says "Fat lady."

She's awful. Let's just sack her.

I like Beverly. She's old school.

You know, I hate when people say "old school," when all they mean is "inefficient and rude."

Like, "Oh, how charming, that mean old waiter told me to put away my cell phone at dinner."

That's why I only eat at chains.

That's not old school. I'm talking old school.

What does that-- I don't--that has no meaning.

You're right, Mindala.

Beverly has got to go. Yeah.

Jeremy, break the news to her.

You want me to fire her? [Laughs]

Uh, I'd love to, but, uh, not for me.

No, no, no. I'm telling you to.

Listen, hearing you're fired is bad enough, but from me?

Why is it especially bad coming from you?

Well, we want to fire her, not destroy her.

Oh, God.

Jeremy, do it.

Right.

Now, without Beverly, we are going to have to hire a new nurse.

Danny.

Oh! Oh! No, wait. I want to do it.

Yeah, right. No, please. Please, let me do it.

Now that I'm in my mid 20s to early 30s, I just really want to take on more of a leadership role here.

And as a woman of color--

Oh, come on, this again? No.

Are you kidding me? I like that kind of pluck.

Okay.

Mindy, you will be in charge of hiring the new nurse.

Okay, okay, so, just for the record, this responsibility has been given to someone that's got a chocolate fountain in her office.

[Fountain whirring] This is amazing.

People love this.

And, guys, I didn't say "Meeting adjourned."

Meeting adjourned.

[Knocks]

Beverly, could I have a word?

Why are you wearing a wet suit?

This isn't a wet suit.

This is skinny pants and a fitted shirt.

Beverly, we need to talk.

Can I see you for a moment outside?

All right, I'll go.

But you got to zip me up first.

How do I look?

Like a librarian in a p*rn movie.

Gwen, come on. No, you look great.

This took a lot of ti-- Sorry.

All right. The zippered bustier is a bold choice, but bold choices are what being a leader is all about.

Thank you. Yes.

I am going to hire the hell out of someone today. Hire their ass off.

Employ the crap out of them. Mm-hmm.

Oh, wait, you have to see this guy from the bookstore.

Um, it's hard to see him through these strings of black material.

Oh, yeah, I didn't want him to know I was taking a photo of him, so I kind of took a picture through a curtain of my own hair.

Uh, you know, he kind of looks like a guy in an old-timey sports photo hanging in a steak house.

Yes, exactly, like he d*ed 70 years ago, then he came back to life just so he could go on this date with me-- tonight, by the way, after work.

Ooh, that is great. You know what?

Just don't go anywhere that doesn't have reception, and when he reaches in his pockets...

Know that it could be a Kn*fe or a switchblade.

Yes. No, of course.

We saw the same today show segment.

And it's smart, because even though I--

Oh, what are you doing?

I think I see Joaquin Phoenix.

What? Are you kidding me? No.

What is he doing? Is he being weird?

[Playing somber piano chords]

♪ ♪

Oh, look at you, all hurt.

I'm not hurt.

I'm just working on my chords.

Danny...

You know it's not just you and me anymore.

We decided to expand. You need to accept that.

Remember when Mindy's office was used for storage?

Now, that was great.

I'd keep my bike there all winter.

Yes, and you adapted. Now you're fine.

Fine for now, but...

Now she's in charge of the hiring.

Before long, Mindy hires another Mindy.

That Mindy hires two more Mindys.

And before you know it, yap yap yap.

"Did you see that movie?"

"Did you hear about that celebrity breakup?"

Yap yap yap yap yap. I mean, where do I put my bike?

Look, Mindy is going to do a great job hiring the new nurse.

But...

If you happen to see her doing something that you don't think is good for the practice, just step in, lend a helping hand.

Cool.

Why did I become a nurse?

Uh, it was just a million tiny, little things that, when you added them all up, just meant that this is what I'm supposed to be doing.

Is that from Sleepless in Seattle?

Yes, that is from Sleepless in Seattle.

That is my favorite movie.

Really? Yes.

It used to be my favorite movie, but now it's got to be You've Got Mail. Oh, no.

No, no, no, no. Are you kidding me? Wait. I'm sorry.

Nope. That is actually my favorite movie.

So nice to meet you, Claire.

It was so nice to meet you.

Thank you so much for having me, and good luck with that date.

Thank you. Bye.

Um, I loved her.

Send in the next applicant.

Oh, Danny, I'm sorry.

I can't hang out with you right now.

I'm interviewing nurse applicants.

I'm not here to hang out.

Dr. Shulman said you needed some supervision.

No, he didn't. Yeah, he did.

Right there, in my office.

Well, we will see about that.

As she stood there with that dopey look on her face, she realized she had just been outranked by Daniel Castellano...

Jerk.

Handsome doctor.

Dr. Shulman, Danny is forcing his big, fat butt in my nurse interviews, and he said that you said that it was okay.

I can't believe you're tattling. She's tattling.

Uh, tattling is when a little girl does it.

When a hot woman does it, it's called "whistle-blowing."

I just want what's best for the practice.

So I want what's worst for the practice?

I just want to hire some Al-Qaeda t*rror1st to come and blow up the kitchen?

I'm not saying you do it on purpose, but, yes, that could easily happen.

What are you talking about? That could happen!

Guys, guys, if you two work together, you will avoid hiring any Al-Qaeda t*rrorists, for sure.

But if-- Now go.

Scram.

Okay.

Beverly, aren't you yearning to explore outside these offices?

Aren't you looking to see the world?

Well, sometimes I have this dream I ain't working here anymore, and I can do whatever I want. And then what?

I'm the den mother for a Sheik's harem-- you know, making sure they don't escape-- with a side business waxing 'em and stuff.

Well, this is stressfully last minute, but here, just catch up on these resumes quick.

I don't read resumes. I go from the gut.

I'm sorry.

So, instead of looking at a candidate's qualifications, you're just gonna decide with your weird, lumpy gut?

They're not lumps. They're abdominal muscles.

You get them from doing sit-ups.

Sit-ups are a type of exercise.

Now, let's set some ground rules.

No crying.

What? Why would I cry?

You cried at a box of girl scout cookies.

Danny, a little black girl and a little white girl were petting a horse together.

Sorry for being human.

If we have to do this together, here's how it's gonna go.

We both have the power to nix anyone.

Fine, and to hire someone, we both have to agree.

Fine. Fine. Let's shake on it.

I don't need to shake. I agree verbally.

Handshake.

Verbally.

What's your feeling about socializing at work?

At work, you work.

You keep your private life private-- end of story.

That's really refreshing.

Um, thanks for coming in, Deena. We'll let you know.

What's your problem? She was perfect.

For what? The Soviet weightlifting team?

Jeremy: I want to tell you the story of a little boy who was sent away to boarding school much too young--

What's boarding school?

Like, a school where you learn snowboarding?

Please, just listen.

What's snowboarding?

Okay, and how that early trauma contributed to a lifelong inability to commit.

Beverly, there's something I've been trying to tell you.

[Sighs] Oh, I get what this is about.

Thank God.

How do you want me?

Um, no, I-I really didn't mean--

Mrs. Hutton, what is your feeling about birthday celebrations in the office?

Well, when you get to be my age, young man, you really start to appreciate them.

See, I disagree with that.

You disagree with her feeling?

A birthday's not an achievement.

Everyone has a birthday-- serial K*llers, rapists.

I'm sorry.

So she likes her birthday, and now she's a seal k*ller?

That's just the way the calendar works.

If a guy didn't have a birthday, now, that would be interesting.

I'm sorry, Danny, she's a million years old.

Let her enjoy her birthday.

Believe me, Mindy, you'll find other opportunities to eat cake.

Thanks for coming in.

Top five-- Born to Run, Darkness on the Edge of Town, The Rising, Wrecking Ball-- Thanks for coming in.

Pax, Maddox, Zahara, Shiloh, Knox.

Thanks for coming in.

Hey, how how's it going? It's really great to meet you.

How you doing?

Mindy: Thanks for coming in.

Two years at Johns Hopkins school of nursing, worked in a medevac unit in Kandahar, and here I am.

Wow. These credentials are perfect.

I should be a doctor, huh?

Yeah, we already have too many of those around here.

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, I was just-- just joking around.

I don't think you are, actually, but it doesn't matter, Laura, because he has no authority here.

Actually, I do.

Are you in charge of being a douche bag?

'Cause you're doing a great job.

Let me tell you what's going on here.

Dr. Shulman gave you a task that he knew you would fail so he'd never have to give you anything important to do ever again.

Okay, you know what?

You're just angry, 'cause Dr. Shulman has always liked me better than he likes you.

He doesn't like you better than he--

Are you kidding me? Yes, he does. Yeah, he does.

That's why he gave me this job.

Oh, he gave you this job? He sent me in here.

Hey! Hey! Hey! [Claps]

That's enough.

I've seen child soldiers in Africa with better manners.

I would never work here.

Ugh! What a waste of my time this was.

God, she sucked. Drama queen. God.

This is a ridiculous waste of my time.

Maybe I should be trying to hire some new associates who can actually associate with each other.

Dr. Shulman, let's not overreact here.

The ironic thing is that Danny and I are best friends.

And we hide our friendship at work for professional reasons.

Isn't that right, Danny? Yeah.

I mean, uh, definitely.

One time, we took the subway together.

I remember that!

That was awesome. Wasn't that great?

And last week we went to the flea market. Do you remember that?

Yeah, and on the way home, I saved her from a mugger.

I was like, "Get-- Nobody mugs my friend."

And she was crying, and there was, you know, snot everywhere.

What was weird was we ran into another mugger, and this time, I saved him.

So we were even.

Uh, what neighborhood was this in?

It was by the docks.

Okay, this is all weird news.

I just wish that you could apply that collegiality here at work so we wouldn't be in this mess.

[Knock at door] Doctors?

There's one last nurse candidate that just arrived.

I could send him away. I kind of want to.

No, he sounds great.

Yeah, uh, Danny, let's go interview that guy.

Great idea, friend.

Well, Dr. Shulman... Okay.

Thank you for everything. After you, friend.

Oh, thank you, Mindy. That's so kind of you.

So your name is...

Ransom Tookers?

Mm-hmm.

Honestly?

You wouldn't ask a black woman named destiny if that was really her name.

[Scoffs] This feels racial.

You're not a black woman.

Okay, my name is Morgan.

Morgan Tookers.

But if I worked here, I would like to go by "Ransom."

Oh, that's never gonna happen.

When I started here, I wanted them to call me "Chloe."

Morgan, why do you want to be a nurse here?

This job, I could take it or leave it.

I think the attitude of "I could take it or leave it" is something you're supposed to project, not actually articulate.

Okay, busted. Busted.

Real talk--

Spent a couple years in Otisville in my late teens.

Is that a college? It's a prison upstate.

I'm really interested now, by the way.

Shouldn't be something you just project?

Unh!

I'm sorry about that. I'm nervous right now.

I'm...

Ugh. I got armpit sweat going.

Look, man, my cousin Lou and I used to Jack cars.

I'm not proud of it, but I cleaned up, got my nursing license, and for the last seven years, I've been living with grandmother.

What are your strengths?

Upper body.

Uh, I own my own scrubs.

Also, when it comes to drawing blood, I'm so painless I'm like a giant mosquito.

Why don't we, uh, get back to your time in prison.

No, no, no. It's not gonna be a problem.

To make sure I never go back to my old life, I got this tattoo.

Look.

This reminds me, "No more stealing cars" it's healed. You can touch it.

I'm okay, thank you.

Indian girls never want to touch it.

[Laughs] I don't know why.

Other doctor, you want in?

I'm good.

You got it.

I'm so glad you stopped by.

I feel that you could be a fascinating subject of a documentary short.

Thank you. [Chuckles]

And what about this? Is this gonna happen?

You did not get the job.

Is he wrong? Did I get the job?

He's correct, actually.

I'm sorry. We could never hire you here.

Wow.

I'm a little devastated.

[Choked up] Thank you.

Mindy: Thank you for coming by.

I cannot believe we didn't find a nurse.

Dr. Shulman gave me one responsibility, and I couldn't even do that.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

It was partially my fault.

What? It was completely your fault.

It wasn't my fault at all. I was just trying to be nice.

Mindy: Why did you say anything?

Hello. Is there any way I could use your restroom before I leave?

Yes.

My grandmother lives in Rockaway.

I can't make it all the way.

I'm gonna have to do something.

I said "Yes."

Also, can I grab a bottle of water to replenish the fluids I'm gonna lose?

Let's get you out of here. Let's do it.

Take two. Whoa!

Morgan: Thank you, friend.

Hey. Hey, um...

Why is Beverly still here?

Why are any of us still here?

I mean, what, with nuclear w*r and the degradation of our precious environment...

You didn't fire her?

Not true.

I sent her an email making it very clear she was fired.

Beverly doesn't even check her email until her son visits at Christmas.

I know. I'm the worst. [Groans, chuckles]

Someone in this office has to be honest with her so that she can get on with her life.

[Sighs]

Beverly, I'm sorry I have to be the one to tell you this, but I guess I'm the only one here who respects you enough to be straight with you.

You are unreliable.

You are often incoherent, and then when you do make sense, you are surly and rude.

I'm sorry, but we're gonna have to let you go.

Are you f*ring me?

Unfortunately, yes. Yeah.

Ohh!

God!

What's going on?

She broke my nose!

She didn't break your nose. Yes, she did!

What? You're fine.

No, I'm not fine, Danny!

Mindy, okay. Danny, it's going numb!

Mindy. Mindy. Calm down.

She didn't break your nose, okay? Yes, she did.

Just relax and let me see it.

Just let me see it. Okay, okay.

[All scream]

That's a lot of blood. Why did they scream like that?

Stop freaking out! I'm not freaking out!

Calm down! Calm down! You're not calm!

Just come here. Just come here. What?

Look at me. Look at me. Wha--

Shh. Let's get you down, yeah.

Okay, do you trust me? No.

Can you handle pain?

No.

Okay, sweetheart, this is gonna hurt like a bitch.

What? On three.

One, two! [cr*ck]

I did it on two. I did it on two.

All right?

It's over. It's over. Okay.

Okay. You're gonna go home.

Cotton balls up the nostrils.

Keep it cool, okay?

No sex for a couple days.

If you have sex, missionary's out of the question.

If you do do missionary, you need to remember-- You're hired.

I am?

Yeah, you're the new nurse.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Let's talk about this here, okay?

No, no, Danny. No.

You wouldn't let me hire any of the great people I wanted to hire earlier.

And then I was the only one professional enough to fire Beverly, and I got punched in the face, all right?

I earned this. Ransom, Morgan...

Morgan. Whatever your name is, he's the new nurse.

Dr. Shulman, is that okay?

Yes.

Are you kidding me, Dr. Shulman?

Danny, stop it. Leave it alone.

She earned this.

Oh, my God, I am so grateful.

I promise, I'm not gonna let you down.

Congratulations. Yes, thank you so much.

Are you okay? Are you all right?

Does it hurt? No, I feel good.

Hey, remember...

Doggy-style only.

That's our new nurse.

He was in prison.

He was in prison, Dr. Shulman.

He was in prison? Nelson Mandela was in prison, okay?

What does this have to do with Nelson Mandela?

It'll heal soon.

I don't care about soon, Danny.

I care about now.

My looks are very important to me, all right?

Unfortunately, we live in a society that puts a premium on white women with perfect noses, and right now I'm 0-for-2.

Can you not be so loud? You're making a scene.

I'm sorry, baby.

Please, don't be mad at me again. Oh, boy.

I didn't mean to make you upset, sweetheart.

I didn't hit this woman, okay?

He did not mean to hit me.

My husband is not a monster.

Danny: That's a lie, okay?

She's--everybody, she's--she's lying.

She's lying. I would never marry this woman.

It is not his fault, okay?

He has a disease.

But he's a good guy, okay?

Show's over, everybody. Just leave us alone.

Danny: Yeah, come on, give us some privacy now.

Are you happy?

Yeah, I'm happy.

Man: Go to bed.