01x05 - Coal Digger

[Birds Chirping]

Let's go, buddy.


Oh, and Gloria, if you want to get together with the girls later, I could just, you know, watch the football game or something.

That means he wants to watch a football game.

I'm not talking to you.

What are you drinking coffee for anyway?

It's my culture.

I'm Colombian.

Oh, yeah? What part of Colombia are those French toaster sticks from?

Babe, I'm not sure about the game.

The whole family's coming over for the barbecue.

That's today?


It's the Ohio State game.

So? Everybody can watch.

I don't like watching the game... with people who don't know the game.

People talk.

You talk at my football games.

For one thing, it's called soccer.

Your team scored two goals all season.

I'm not taking a big risk.

How much of this did you drink?

Give me a break.

I have to climb a rope today.

Haley: Hey, Mom.

Claire: Yeah?

Can I have $40 for lunch?

Forty dollars?

I also need a book for school.

What book?


I want a dress.

Do you have any idea what a bad liar you are?

I'd be more worried that she couldn't come up with a single book title.

Phil: Luke, come on.

We're late.

Mmm, there's a first- inside out and backwards.

At least it isn't zipped into his-

Oh. There it is.

Well, there's book smart, and then there's street smart.

Yeah, and then there's Luke.

Oh, he's just-

He's just curious. That's all.

He's got this almost scientific mind... with a thirst for knowledge.

He's like this little Einstein.

Some people ask, "Why?"

Luke asks, "Why not?"


I ask "Why?" a lot.

We're at the 10.

We're at the five.

We're at the one.

Daddy, we're scoring a touchdown!

No, please- please don't spike our baby.

Why is she dressed like the Hamburglar?

She's a referee.

Oh. Do- Do we even have to go to my dad's tonight?

Are you kidding me?

We're playing Ohio State.

I collect antique fountain pens.

I'm quite adept at Japanese flower arrangement- ikebana- and I was a starting offensive lineman at the University of lllinois.


I don't like football.

You know what?

I thought part of being in a relationship... was pretending to enjoy your partner's interests.

Do you think I really loved home pickle-making?

Yeah, 'cause you did.

For a week, until we became the weird guys who gave everybody pickles.

Oh, thank you, Marvin, for inviting us into your lovely home.

Here. Would you care for a sack of pickles?

It was charming.

We were picklers, Mitchell.

Okay, you know what?

Fine. Stay home with your little jagged scissors.

Maybe catch up on your scrapbooking.

Come- You loved scrapbooking.

Did I, Mitchell?

Did I?

Stop. Don't do the "double question to prove a point" thing.

I hate it when people do that.

Do you, Mitchell?

Do you?

Stop, Lily.


♪ Hey, hey ♪
♪ Hey, hey Hey, hey ♪
♪ Hey, hey Hey ♪♪

No problem.

We'll be right down. Thanks.

[Dial Tone, Beeping]


[Line Ringing]

[Phil On Phone]

Hey, honey. What's up?

The school just called.

Luke got in a fight.

Oh, geez. Is he okay?

Yeah, he's fine, but they want us to come down there.

Where are you?

I'm showing a house.

What house?

I'm golfing.


[Dial Tone]

I bet it was that Durkas kid.

I hate that kid.

He probably jumped on Luke and Luke just fought back.

Kid's a menace.

He made fun of my hair once.

Shh. The parents are probably in there.

I slept on it funny.

Like that never happened to him?

Come on.

What are you doing here?

These two knuckleheads were fighting each other.


Phil: Could've been worse.

I was not ready to face Durkas today.

So what happened?

Well, apparently there was some name-calling and shoving on the playground.

By the time a teacher separated them, Luke was sitting on Manny's chest.

Luke, that's not like you.

Wait a minute.

You're Luke's father?


So Manny's father is-


Crazy guy. That's where he gets his fire.

Okay, you're-

He's our son.

And my grandson.

I'm his daughter.

So you're-

His uncle.

Stop saying that or I'll sit on your chest again.

Ho! Wait a second.

Is that what this was all about?

He keeps calling me his nephew.

You are my nephew.

Shut up!


Okay, okay.

I'm getting the sense that you're all related, uh, somehow.

So it's probably best if you work this out at home... so the boys can go back to class, okay?

But we're not happy about this, boys.

This is not how mature young men behave.

Here's your note for Miss Passwater.


[Door Opens, Closes]

Look, I wouldn't worry.

They're good kids.

It's just tough when one kid's a little different.



You heard how she said that, right?

[Mock Accent]


[Normal Voice]

She thought Luke was the weird one. Luke.

Her kid gets his head stuck in the furniture, and Manny is the different one.

I will tell you what's weird.

Our son is not weird.

What's weird is that her kid wears aftershave and dresses like a count.

I think we should cancel with them for the barbecue.

If we cancel, it'll just make this a bigger deal than it is.

It'll be good for Luke and Manny to spend some time.

Might be good for you and Gloria too.


She's always had a problem with me.

I think I'm gonna find out what it is.

That's the worst thing you could do. Just sweep it under the rug.

I'm not a sweeper.

Trust me on this.

I think you two need to talk it out.

I don't have anything to say to her.

She's the one with the problem, not me.

Whose side are you on?

She's my daughter.

You're my wife.

Let's remember what's important here.

There's a football game on.

I just hate it when my two girls aren't getting along.

How exactly is she your girl?

Cameron: I got a few things for the party.

Is Lily ready to go?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

She's ready.

What's wrong?


I'm just really worried about C.J. Hightower.

With the bad ankle, I don't know how he's gonna run his corner routes.

What did my boyfriend just say?

Listen, I heard what you said, and I thought, yes, I should try to learn more about football.

That is very mature of you.

I figure, if football fans can learn it, how hard can it be?

That's very elitist of you.

I'm taking baby steps here, all right?

I'm actually- I'm really looking forward to it.

'Cause it's not just the game.

It's-It's the bands and the drama, the pageantry.

Don't forget about the team mascots.

They wear ascots?

No. Mascots.

With an "M."

That could have been very embarrassing.


Am I straight?

I'm not sure what you are right now.


Hi, hi, hi, hi!

How ya doin'?

Hey, Gramps.

Hi, beautiful.

Hi, Phil.

Good to see ya.

Let me guess.

Game's on?

Just started.

Hey. For you.

It's nice to see you, Gloria.

Ah! Two times today.

Okay, well-

Claire: Uh, Phil?

She means we've seen them two times today.

Okay, everybody, the food's in there.

The drinks are in there.

I'll be in here.

Hold on, Jay.

I think we should address the elephant in the room.

Uh, Luke, Manny.

Bring it in.

Come on. Huddle up.


Now in light of what happened at school today, do you have any feelings you'd like to express?

I think this is the proper forum-

For God's sakes.

All right, both of you.

Now, in this family, do we kick and punch each other, or do we love each other?

Manny, Luke: Love each other.

That's right.

I'll be in the den.

So, I brought dessert.

Okay. Thank you.

I make pie too.

You can never have too many pies, right?

Okay, whoa. Whoa.

Everybody take a deep breath.

Let's think about getting real.

Phil, no.

Why "Phil, no"?

What is Phil doing?

Phil: I'm just gonna say it.

There's tension between you two.

Bam. It's out there.

I'm gonna kill you.

I think he's right, and I think we should talk about it.

That's what I'm talkin' 'bout- you two talking...

'bout it.

[Male Announcer]

First and goal to go for the lllini.

Alex: I like football.

Haley hates it, which is weird because it's all boys... and there's no reading required.

Do you know that she spends at least 45 minutes every morning doing her hair?

And then sometimes-

♪ Let's go, Illini ♪

Let's go!

Right now!


Looks like I gotta watch the game with Dick Butkus.

Dad! Dad, come on.

That's offensive.

Mitchell, he's one of the greatest linebackers to ever play at lllinois... and one of my personal heroes.

And his name is "Butt-kiss"?

We're just choosing to-

Okay. All right.

Dad, I thought you were being homophobic. I'm sorry.

We got all night.

Yes, we do.

Are you joining us here?

Yeah. Jay, you know what?

He's been studying up.

I gotta tell ya, I'm a little worried about C.J. Hightower.

Right? With the bad ankle?

I'm wondering how he's gonna run his corner routes.

Hightower's out.


Oh. Then who is gonna run the corner routes?

I'll tell you who it won't be-



That's low. He's in jail.

Oh, wow. Yeah.

Then no.

Double tight end, it's gonna be a quarterback roll-out to the left.

Jay: They're gonna run it.

Trust me. He's got the slot.

In the end zone! Touchdown!

Lucky call.

Maybe they, uh, should've considered blitzing.

Blitzing wouldn't have helped them.

Get outta here.

Oh, gosh. Blitzing.


So, my interest in football ended as suddenly and dramatically... as the climax of West Side Story.

I'm a musical theater fan.


Okay. The truth?

I sometimes feel like you don't like me.


Powerful, powerful stuff.

Claire? Tell us how that makes you feel.

Right now, I'm feeling a lot of anger.

No, don't tell me. Tell her.

Gloria, right now, I'm really angry at Phil.

Phil: Let's respect the process.


Gloria, I don't know why you think I don't like you.

Sometimes when you see me, you make that face.

What face?

Like this.

I do not make a face like that.

Oh, my God.

That is so Claire.


See? She does that with everyone.

It's just her face.

No, it's not just the face.

From the beginning, I feel like Manny and I are not welcome in this family.

That is so crazy.

No, it's not so crazy.

It's how I feel.



I am sorry if you feel that way.

I really am, because from the moment I met you, I have tried to make you feel comfortable with us.

You think it's all in my head?

No. Kind-

I don't know.

I mean, we really love having you and Manny in our family.



So, you don't have to be so defensive.

I do that, don't I?


Well, a bit.

I'm feeling a hug.

[Gloria, Claire Chuckling]

I was thinking group hug, but this is nice.

I'd be there if I could.

Oh, my God. There's hugging.

Haley, get off the phone already.

Cameron: Where did you go?

You heard him.

He said, "Get outta here."

Oh, my God.

You're such a girl.

Dad- I was coming to get a beer anyways.

Nice apology.

Nice beer.

[Manny, Luke Laughing]

Hey, there are the little roustabouts.

You look like you patched things up pretty good, huh?

Together: Yeah.

Oh, we can learn so much from the children.

Bet it seems kind of silly now what you were even fighting about, huh?

I made fun of his accent.

What accent?

I made fun of him for having the same thing for lunch every day.

Gloria: Eegh!

I made fun of him because his mom used to dig coal.


He said you were a coal digger.

Okay. I think we can move on.


Who said I was a coal digger?

That's what my mom told me.

What's a coal digger?

Sweetheart, he heard it wrong.

It's "gold digger."

I'm gonna have to call you back.

I really do not think that I remember ever saying that.

Well, you said in the car.

You said it at Christmas.

You said it in the Mexican restaurant-

Okay, Mr. "Leaves His Sweatshirts at School Every Day...

Suddenly Remembers Everything," thank you.

And it was all in my head, huh?

Oh, listen. Gloria, it was... like, a year ago, before I knew you.

Nice going. Now my mom and my sister are fighting.

If I say something that everybody else is thinking, does that make me a mean person?

Or does it make me a brave person?

One who is courageous enough to stand up and-and say something... behind someone's back to... a 10-year-old.

[Water Running in Sink]

Well, she's pissed.

Yeah. She wouldn't even come out of her room.


Did you really have to call her that- a gold digger?

Well, you know what, Dad?

It was a year ago.

And it was a natural question to ask.

She's a beautiful, hot woman, and you're not exactly, you know-

Not exactly what?

Um- Mitchell, little help?

No. You are doing great.

See, this is exactly why we sweep things under the rug- so people don't get hurt.

Yeah, until you sweep too much under the rug.

Then you got a lumpy rug.

Creates a tripping hazard.

You open yourself up to lawsuits.

Boy, you can go a really long time without blinking.

Gloria? It's Phil.

Hi. Can I talk to you for a second?

Claire likes to say you can be part of the problem... or part of the solution.

But I happen to believe that you can be both.

Listen, Claire feels terrible.

Why don't you talk to her?

Why? I know what she thinks- a coal digger.

You know she's saying "gold digger"?

Yes, Phil!

Well, I-I know she said that.

But that was a long time ago, before she knew you.

Does Jay buy me nice things?

Yes! Of course!

All beautiful things.

Look at this- yellow, red, blue.

All the colors.

Do you think I can't live without this?

Take them away, Phil.

Gloria, we all know you'd be fine without underwear.

I mean, we know it's not about that.

No. It's about me not being accepted by my new family.

That is not true.

Gloria, look, you're a beautiful woman.

In fact, you're probably one of those beautiful women who doesn't even know it.

No, I know it.

So it's natural for Claire to wonder about you and her dad.

This family's very protective of each other.

I remember the first time Claire brought me home.

Do you think Jay thought I was good enough for his little girl?

No way.

But over time, he realized that I loved Claire as much as he did.

And by then, Mitch had brought Cam home, so I was golden.

Claire just needs a little time.

And then, trust me, she'll be the most loyal friend you've ever had.

You're not leaving, are you?

You know, there's kind of a lot of drama.

So we're torn.

Let me ask you something.

Your sister said that Gloria would never go for anybody who looked like me.

Now, you guys basically are like women.

You know, you look at guys.

So what do you think?

You're seriously asking us if you're attractive?

Well, I know I'm no Erik Estrada or anything.

I'm just curious is all.


So if I was in one of your bars and-

[Clears Throat]

Righteous Brothers were on, you know.

Would you, uh, I don't know, check me out?

Dad, you're really close to ruining gay for me.

All right, fine.


Jay. Jay, now listen.

I think it's- I just think it's a little weird for a son to say this to his father.

But for the record, I think you're smokin' hot.


Yeah, 100%.

You're totally my type.

You're dangerous, you're getable, you have a little "cashola" in your pocket.


Face, body, the whole-

The whole kit and caboodle, I think. Really.

What about a seven?

Nine. For sure, nine.

But you knew that.

I might have lowballed a little bit.

Okay, isn't there a game on?


I know.

Gloria? Come on, let's- let's talk about this.

I've seen her kick in a door before.

I don't know what my husband is saying to you or... why he's covered in your underwear.

Obviously I'm trying to seduce him for his money.

[Forced Chuckle] That's-

'Cause that's what I do, right?

What do I have to give back... so that everyone trusts me? Huh?

These earrings?

Together: No.

What? This bracelet?

Together: No.

My new dress?


I didn't respond because... this shouldn't be about me.

It should be about you... talking to you... about it.

Phil? Honey?

No, no, no. No.

You're welcome.

[Door Closes]

I don't know what to say except for that I am really, really sorry.

Just tell me one thing.

How do you really feel that I'm with your father?

Uh, well-

Honestly, at first, it was hard.

I mean, you don't expect to wake up one morning... with a new mom who looks like she fell off a mud flap.

But... I'm getting used to it.

And the important thing is you make him happy, which you do in- in so many ways, so many colors.

Are we okay?



You embarrassed me in front of everyone downstairs.

What, I'm supposed just to forget about it?

What do you want me to do- just embarrass myself so we're even?

Go jump in the pool.

Oh, you mean go jump in a lake. Right.

Go jump in the pool with your clothes on.

Then I know you're sorry.

I'm not gonna do that, Gloria.

Okay. Then I won't forgive you.

[TV Playing]

Now a field goal beats us.

Hey, you guys work that out?

Almost. Gloria just wants me to jump in the pool.

Okay then.


If they could get a pass rush on 'em, something, a break.

This is so awesome.

I know. Mom does not look good wet.

Gloria, is this really necessary?

Dad, it's fine. It's fine.

If I need to jump in this water... to prove to Gloria how sorry I am, I will do it.

I'm fine.

You're serious?

You're not gonna stop me?

Why would I do that?

Because I am standing here.

I am showing you my willingness to-



[All Cheering]

Are you happy?

Yes! I forgive you!

Then give me your hand.

Oh, that's the oldest trick in the book.

She's gonna pull you in there.

Claire: No!

And that's my job.



This is funny, but this is also a teaching moment.


Think about- No!

[All Laughing, Shouting]




Announcer: The snap! Fumble!

How could he fumble that?

Center blew the snap.

I hate that.

I played center, and I always got blamed for a quarterback's clumsy hands.

Well, I was a quarterback, and it was probably your fault.

It's impossible to fumble the ball... when the quarterback has the proper hand placement.

It's weird to think of a woman being sexually attracted to Dad.

No, you wanna hear weird?

Cam said he'd pick up Dad at a gay bar.

Ooh. How did that come up?

Mmm, I'm really trying to block it out.

As far as I'm concerned, Mom and Dad had s*x two times.

[Clicking Tongue]


Okay, get your hands up there like you're lifting me off the ground.

Be one with me, Jay.

There you go.

Do you wanna get something to eat?

I am never eating again.

Just snap the damn thing.

Cameron: Perfect.

That one kinda hurt.