01x09 - Fizbo

[siren wailing]

Do we know anything?

Oh, no. They're in there now with the doctor.

We're lucky, though.

The paramedics said it could've been a lot worse.

My God, how did this even happen?

There he is.

Big day's coming up.

What do you want for your birthday, big dog?

It's okay.

I'm good.

Come on.

The sky's the limit.

Dream big, my boy.

Well, I guess I could use a belt.

A belt?

Yeah, you're right.

I don't need it.

An extension cord works pretty good.

Phil: Every year, Luke's birthday falls right around Thanksgiving, and so it gets lost in the holiday shuffle.

Yeah, one year we forgot completely, and we had to improvise a cake out of stuffing.

Which, by the way, he was fine with.

He's one of those kids, you get him a gift, and all he wants to do is play with the box.

Yeah, one year we actually just got him a box-- a really nice box.

And we made the mistake of putting it in a gift bag.

So he played with the gift bag.

W-we can't get it right.

No.

I feel terrible.

We got to do something.

Oh, yeah.

Um, well, you know, the family is gonna be together for Thanksgiving for the first time in, I don't even know how long, so--

I am so with you-- we should blow this out and throw Luke the best birthday party of all time.

Yes, yes, and we'll order a whole bunch of pizzas, and-- and-- and set up an arts-and-crafts table.

A what?

Yeah, a crafts table.

You know, everybody gathers around, and they make stuff, and, then, bam, they got their own party favor.

[snores]

Sorry, I fell asleep while you were describing the most boring party ever.

[chuckles]

Ow!

See you in a few hours.

Yeah. Thanks again for the karaoke machine.

I'll get it back to you right after the party.

That'd be great.

Please don't.

I beg you. Don't.

Don't bring it back.

Hey, Phil, are you getting a clown for today?

Oh, no, Luke--

Luke's not much of a clown fan.

Really?

Yeah, he never liked them.

Has he ever seen a good one?

Has-- has anyone?

[laughs]

Really? So, anyway, thanks again.

Okay, yeah, see you later.

No clown?

No-- no clown?

Let it go.

Who throws a party without a clown?

Since the late '30s, I'd say most people.

You know what? We haven't gotten Luke a present yet.

Maybe a clown could be our present.

Cameron, Cameron, if Phil and Claire wanted to get Luke a clown, they would've.

This is not our party.

But--

This is not our party.

But-- fine.

What would you suggest we get him, then?

Get him a gift card.

A gift card?

Yeah.

Who hurt you?

Hey, Gloria, you got any idea how to wrap one of these things?

Is that a crossbow?

Yeah. Am I the greatest grandpa in the world or what?

We can't give Luke a crossbow.

He pokes himself in the eye every time he uses a straw.

Are you kidding?

I had one when I was his age.

My dad used to give me a quarter for every crow I bagged.

And I used to have a machete, but times have changed.

He'll be fine.

I'll teach him how to use it.

Hey, pal.

How's it going?

Am I charming?

Oh, boy.

Of course you're charming.

Who said you were not charming?

No one, but there is a girl in my school, and I want her to like me.

I need your advice, Jay.

Really?

She's gonna be at Luke's party.

[chuckling]

Well, I'm... a little thrown.

I mean, you don't usually come to me for advice.

Well, this is one area in which you've done pretty well.

He has a point.

I've tried everything to get her attention--

Opening doors, having a milk sent over in the cafeteria.

Nothing has worked.

Here's the deal.

Girls don't go for all that romantic stuff.

They go for power and success.

And since you don't have either one of those things, you're gonna be the funny guy.

No, no, no, no, no.

I-I want the most dangerous reptile you've got.

I have an iguana that eats crickets.

That'd be scary if it was a birthday party for crickets.

Seriously, Jungle Tanya, I need you to step it up a notch.

Is there anything that scares the cocoa out of you?

Uh, not really.

I do have a bearded dragon.

Ooh. Does it--

No, it does not breathe fire.

Well, then, we're back to square one, aren't we?

[sighs]

I couldn't get Luke out of my mind.

I know I made a promise to Mitchell, but some things are bigger than promises.

Fizbo would be at that party.

Hello, old friend.

It all happened so fast.

I keep thinking there was something I could've done.

Oh, don't blame yourself.

Who could have possibly seen it coming?

Sweetie, t-that's a rock wall.

Is that even safe?

Oh, my God.

Honey, relax.

Hey, has anyone ever gotten hurt on one of these things?

I don't know, man.

It's my first day.

See? They wouldn't let the new guy do it if it weren't--

That did not make me feel better.

Don't worry, I signed like a hundred releases.

When did we decide all this?

I-I think it's too much.

See, I knew you'd say that.

That's why I didn't tell you.

So just relax.

Grab a snow cone.

There's a snow-cone machine?

Yeah.

Mom, just so you know, Dylan cannot have mayonnaise.

That's random.

Why are you telling me that?

Uh, 'cause he's coming to the party.

Is that absolutely necessary?

Yes, because she can't go 10 minutes without her boyfriend's tongue in her mouth.

It's like he's feeding a baby bird.

Don't be so jealous.

I'm sure you'll meet someone super hot at computer camp.

Girls.

Hey, hey.

So, what you got there?

Oh, these are supplies for the crafts table.

I finally figured out what we're gonna be making.

Kids bored?

[chuckles]

I'm teasing.

I'm teasing.

It looks good.

What-- what is it?

Comb sheaths.

I know, I know.

But we made them when I was 11 years old at Donna Rigby's birthday party.

At first, we thought it was really stupid, and then we had a blast, so...

How could you not?

You combined the two things that kids love the most--

Combs and sheaths.

I'm kidding!

Where's my comb?

Oh, here it is, in my incredibly convenient beaded comb sheath that I made at Luke's awesome birthday party.

Hole in one, Mrs. Dunphy.

Hole in one.

I'm home.

I got Luke a video game, but it's about math, so... guess we're those kind of uncles.

Cam?

Don't be mad.

Oh... Cam, I...

I've known I wanted to be a clown since I found out clowns were just people with makeup.

Um, as a matter of fact, by the time I was a teenager, if I wasn't in school or fishin', I was clownin'.

There are four types of clowns--

A tramp, an auguste, a whiteface, and a character.

I am a classically trained auguste clown named Fizbo.

What?

N-nothing.

Between the clownin' and the-- the fishin', I'm surprised you had time for the schoolin'.

Oh, and there's the fifth type, the sad clown.

The sad clown is a tramp.

So there's still only four types.

Okay.

Cam, I thought we discussed this.

We did, but I-I started thinking.

And this isn't about you or me.

This is about a little boy who deserves some happiness.

And he's gonna get that from his weird gay-clown uncle?

Fizbo is not gay, he's asexual.

Ah.

H-he's an innocent whose only drive is to bring people joy and laughter and balloon animals.

He's-- he's the least sexual being on Earth.

Oh.

Oh, okay, we, at least we agree on something, yeah.

If this tape is found in the future, this is how we humans celebrated birthdays.

Luke: Hey, Dad!

Yeah, there's my boy, zip line extreme--

Oh!

Ugh!

I'm okay. I'm good.

I'm good. Lesson learned.

Don't stand--

Don't stand there.

Let's go ahead and rope this area off.

Excellent. Thank you.

Hey, buddy.

You having fun?

Yeah, and I love my new belt.

Claire: Hey, Luke!

Luke, do you want to make a comb sheath?

A what?

It's a cool leather holder for your comb.

And you can decorate it.

I've got beads and-- and glitter and-- and all kinds of stuff.

Do you want to?

Nah, I'm gonna do the rock wall.

Okay, honey, it's your day.

Honey, let me know if you get low on supplies.

I'll make a quick run back to the 1950s for you.

Aah!

Again?!

Seriously, zip-line guys, just some ropes.

Did you remember to switch the whites to the dryer?

Oh, no, I forgot.

They're gonna smell musty.

I know. I'm sorry.

I'll pump.

No, no, no, I'll do it.

You just stay right here and relax.

Oh, I get it. You're worried about people seeing me.

Without question.

You know, people are gonna stare.

They're not used to seeing one clown in a car.

That's her--

Bianca Douglas.

She's so cute.

Yeah, and she has good handwriting.

She's the complete package.

Wish me luck.

You don't need luck.

You just remember those jokes I told you, hmm?

We have to stop meeting like this.

What?

We go to school together.

Oh, yeah.

Do you like jokes?

Sure.

Great. Okay.

So, a grasshopper named Gary walks into a bar.

Oh, no. You're not supposed to know his name.

Let me try another one, okay?

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Interrupting cow.

Interrupting cow who?

Moo.

Oh, crap.

Um, hey.

Hey, yourself.

Move.

You kind of just bumped me with your car.

I don't think so.

No, no, you did, because, um, see, yeah, I got grease on my pants, and then also I felt it.

Call an ambulance.

Okay, I just thought you might want to know in case you wanted to be a decent human being and apologize, but... no? Okay.

Ass.

What did you say?

Just forget about it, all right?

Listen, carrot top, I didn't touch you, so do the smart thing--

Shut your hole, get in your car, and drive away.

Is there a problem here?

What the hell are you?

I'm the ass-kicking clown that'll twist you like a balloon animal.

I will beat your head against this bumper until the airbags deploy, so apologize to my boyfriend right now!

Apologize-- boyfriend?

Apologize!

Okay. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Let's go.

We're gonna be late.


Mind if I come in?

Sure.

All right.

Come here.

Why you bounce so sad?

I told all my jokes.

It turns out I'm not the funny guy.

The right girl will find you when it's time, even though I'm gonna hate losing you to another woman.

You'll never lose me, Mom.

I'll always love you, no matter what.

Oh. [speaks Spanish]

[chuckles]

You see right there?

You need no tricks.

Just be the sweet, wonderful little boy that you are.

Sweet little boy--

Got it.

She won't know what hit her.

[speaking Spanish]

Hey, Manny, want to make a sweet comb sheath?

Could not be a worse time, Claire.

Phil: Oh.

It's so peaceful and quiet over here.

Ha ha.

If you came over here to gloat, I already know it's a dud.

Actually, I came to give you this.

It's your favorite flavor--

Blue.

Thanks, honey.

And your hair looks really nice.

Mm, thanks.

I've been combing it all day.

All right, let's all give Luke a big hand for being so brave.

[cheers and applause]

It feels so weird.

What does it eat?

Oh, just little-boy brains.

Well, at least luke's got nothing to worry about.

Is there mayo in this?

No, you're good.

Um, so, I was thinking that maybe we could go slip away.

So, does anyone want to pet the iguana?

Hells, yes.

Oh, man.

I love lizards.

What's his name?

Her name is Lizzy.

Wow.

I totally get that.

You don't deserve this.

What?

Hot reptile chick, you know, probably has her own apartment, obviously okay touching gross stuff.

They're just talking.

You're right.

Dylan's far too sophisticated to get sucked in by a single lady with tons of cool tattoos.

Dylan: Hey.

[laughs]

I think it peed on me.

Oh, no.

No way, mother nature.

I can't believe he does that.

[indistinct shouting]

Hey, what am I missing, guys?

Aw, geez, Gloria.

Jay, look!

I go high!

Look, look!

Hey, guys, hit the road.

Come on, you're family men.

Come on, scat.

Great job, buddy.

Now comes the fun part.

Rappel down.

It's really high.

You have nothing to fear but fear itself... and the concrete, but I'm right here, buddy.

Okay, just catch me.

I am brave.

Roller coasters?

Love them.

Scary movies? I've seen "Ghostbusters" like seven times.

I regularly drive through neighborhoods that have only recently been gentrified.

So, yeah, I'm pretty much not afraid of anything...

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, everybody!

Quit your clowning around.

That's my job!

[laughs]

Except clowns.

Never shared that with the fam, so [exhales sharply]

I do have an image to maintain.

I am not really sure where the fear comes from.

My mother says it's because, when I was a kid, I found a dead clown in the woods, but who knows?

Hey! Oh!

Well, you must be the birthday boy.

Wow.

Is that you, Uncle Cam?

[laughs] Well, no, I'm Fizbo the Clown.

I don't know who this "Uncle Cam" is.

But he sure sounds handsome, doesn't he? [laughs]

Hey, who likes balloon animals?

I do! I do!

It's just Cam.

It's just Cam.

You all right?

What? Yeah.

No, I just have kind of a... complicated relationship with clowns.

Oh, well, join the club.

Look, I came on strong with that whole funny-guy bit.

This is me just being myself.

Okay. Hey, do you know who that boy is over there?

Oh. That's Dylan.

He's Haley's boyfriend.

He's so cute and tall.

[sighs] I'm still growing.

Give me a break.

Pardon me, miss, but this little doggy needs a new home.

Oh, thank you.

[giggles]

That's quite an impressive getup you got there.

Well, thank you, Jay.

Oh, by the way, you have something on your shoulder.

[laughs]

That's good.

Never mind.

It was nothing.

Yeah, we're done here.

So, do you keep these at, like, a zoo or something?

Tanya: No, I just keep them at my place.

That's awesome.

I only have a cat.

Yeah?

I used to have a cat.

I was just messing with you before, but, seriously, he's still talking to her?

On it.

You know, this is one of--

I feel like Britney Spears.

[laughs]

You're so funny.

You kinda do look like Britney Spears.

Oh really?

I was kidding.

Um, anyway, this is probably my favourite.

Hey, Jungle Lady, I think-- I think one of your bugs got out.

What? This one?

This box thing here--

It's on its side, empty.

Oh, my God, where did it go?

Is everything okay?

No, I lost a poisonous scorpion, and I need to find it.

Okay, kids, um, let's all tuck our pants into our socks, avoid shady, moist places, and let's make a game of looking where we step.

[woman speaking on P.A.]

Is he okay?

Can we see him?

He's in with the doctor right now.

These things happen, right, no matter how careful you are?

Hey, look what Grandpa gave me-- a crossbow.

Sweetie, that does not look safe.

Don't worry. He's gonna show me how to use it.

Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of.

Come on, you ready?

Oh, my God, you are not making comb sheaths.

I am, and I know.

It's really lame.

Everybody hates it.

No, it's just like, uh, Donna Rigby's party.

Exactly, yes, and it has the beads and everything.

Oh, amazing.

This is awesome.

Wow.

So, Cam's a clown.

Phil: I got you!

Yeah.

I totally got you!

And there's mine.

Do think it's weird that we both chose people who are so--

Uninhibited?

I was gonna say embarrassing, but, yeah.

Look at them, though.

They're the life of the party.

Phil: Oh yeah.

You know, I got to say, for all his craziness, I love my clown.

Me too.

They're good for us.

I would've totally tanked this party.

Oh, and I would've gotten my butt kicked at a gas station.

Sorry?

It turns out Fizbo is a real badass.

Aah! Aah! Scorpion!

Scorpion! Scorpion!

Scorpion!

[people screaming]

Scorpion!

No, no. Too close.

Too close.

Too close.

What the hell? Oh!

Oh, crap!

[people screaming]

Oh, my God!

Bianca, I'm coming.

Who else is in there?

Get out!

Aaaahh!

It turns out I'm not the sweet guy or the funny guy.

No, manny, don't go in, por favor!

I must!

I'm coming!

Manny Delgado is a man of action.

Wait.

My dog--

It's still in there.

I'll be right back.

[grunts]

Luke: Ow! My arm!

Sweetie? Luke?

What-- what happened, buddy?

What happened?

What happened, honey?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, what happened?

I slipped on these stupid beads.

Oops.

Come on, here we go.

Ow!

[police siren blaring]

How is he?

Oh, he's gonna be fine.

Jay: Hi, honey. Hey, Manny.

How are you, kid?

Oh, there he is.

Uh-oh, there he is.

Poor thing!

Wow, everybody's here.

Of course we are.

How's that busted flipper?

Okay.

Sorry about today, buddy.

We'll try again next year, huh?

Are you kidding?

This was the best birthday ever.

What?

I got a cast.

You like the cast?

I've always wanted one.

After a few weeks, they start to smell.

You are so weird.

You know that?

Can I sign it?

Sure.

Hey, me first.

Okay.

Phil: If you'd asked me before the party if I wanted there to be a chain reaction of disasters that led to Luke breaking his arm, I probably would've said no.

Probably?

Prob-- definit-- Definitely not, would not want that.

But one way or another, Luke was the center of attention on his birthday, and the whole family was together, just the way it should be.

Fizbo delivery!

I brought the cake!

[cheers and applause]

I can't do this.

Okay, I'm out.

[wheezing]

Cake!

Blow-- blow the candle, Luke. Blow the candle.

[cheers and applause]

Bianca Douglas called me three times tonight.

I'm not gonna lie to you.

I'm starting to feel smothered.

I really like my cast, but it's starting to itch.

Good thing my mom made me this personal scratcher.

Oh, that's good stuff.

If another woman is messing with your man, you have to get proactive.

I don't care how pretty she is or how many stupid reptiles she has, she tries to take what's mine, girlfriend's gonna get stung.