01x12 - Not in My House

It's my stuff, okay?

Just keep your hands off my stuff!

Phil: Hey!

I didn't put my hands on your stuff!

Hey! Just a second, Derek.

What is the problem?

Alex read my journal.

I did not!

Why would I even want to read your stupid journal?

Because it contains the details of a life, and you don't have one!


Alex, don't read Haley's journal.


Sorry. My daughters.

You got kids?

Oh. What grade are you in?

Claire: Phil!

Oh, that's my wife, Claire.

Luke was using my computer.

For this.

I'm gonna have to, uh, call you back.

He told me he needed it to do homework, and then I find this -- a...a picture of a topless woman, with the biggest boobs I have ever seen, driving a tractor.

Okay, um, uh, first of all, that's a combine, not a tractor.


Phil, it is smut, and our 10- year-old is looking at smut!

It's disgusting!

Completely unacceptable.

Here's the thing -- that was my picture.

Well, not really mine.

There's this guy at work who sends out these links.

Does -- doesn't matter who. Gil Thorpe.

He sent out another one of the same woman dressed as a battleship.

You know, the -- you get -- yeah.

And then one of the Transformers.

And then it -- it...

Anyway, I had every intention of telling Claire.

I just wanted her to calm down first.

Where are you going?

I'm going to pick up Luke from his sleepover.

We need to talk to him about this now.

Claire, this is a very delicate situation.

If we don't handle it right, Luke might end up having an unhealthy attitude about s*x.

Or agribusiness.

We'll talk about it when he gets home.

Okay. Fine.

But I am telling him that every time he looks at p0rn, God kills a puppy.

Maybe I should be the one to talk to him.

Gloria: I am a very lucky woman.

I have a wonderful family, a beautiful home.

There's nothing that I would change.

I hate the dog butler.


I keep forgetting it's there, and every time it happens, it scares me all over again.

Sometimes, at night, I think it's the devil.

El diablo.

Barkley? He's hilarious.

I was in Vegas last month, and I was winning...


...and I thought, I could do the usual --

Be a chump, give the money back to the casino --

Or I could do something smart and buy something for myself at the casino store.

He's already a family favorite.

Rub his chin a little under there.

He likes that.

There you go. Beautiful.

There you go. [laughs]

He's a dog and a butler.

I mean, who couldn't love him?

[muttering in Spanish]




[straining] Stupid dog.


Cameron: Okay, ready to go.

Oh, make sure you pee first.

What am I, 7 years old?

No, you do not want to go during the show.

The Marionettes stop what they're doing, march to the edge of the stage, and point at you.

Okay, that sounds terrifying.

It's really funny.

Oh, one of my favorite childhood memories was attending the Moscow Marionette theater.

I grew up one mile away from Missouri's largest water slide, and third-largest in the country.

Oh, really? Cam, you never mentioned that before.

You feel -- feel like a torpedo.

Hey, Cam, does the gardener usually work on Saturdays?

I don't know. He comes when we need him.

He's like Batman, but straight.

Is he crying?

Oh, yeah.

We should probably...

Probably go out the back, huh?

He's clearly in pain.

How can you just turn your back on a friend like that?

A friend? Really? Yeah. W-what's his name?

Cesar Sal...azar.

You made that up.

You were gonna say "caesar salad."

Was not.

Cam. Come on. Really?

[sighing]: Ugh.

[door closes]

All right, don't worry, Lily.

I'm sure we'll get to the show on time.

I'm sure Dad is just gonna go out and give an encouraging word to the gardener, hopefully mention the snail problem, and then we are gonna be --


No, no. Cam, no.


I don't think he speaks English.

Okay, this might be a good time to mention to you that the Marionettes are not kind to latecomers.

They bend over and show their bloomers.

Okay, I speak a little Spanish.

ÿseñor, te gustaría hacer el agua Y tenemos nuestra cama?

Gracias. [sobbing]

What was that?

I just asked him if he wanted to have a glass of water and sit down for a minute, like any kind person would.


[lock engages]

I didn't find any more p0rn.

That was hardly p0rn.

It was a topless woman on a tractor.

You know what they call that in Europe?

A cereal commercial.

I should go talk to him.

Honey, honey, honey, I got this!

I got this!

No, no, no, no, no. I...I got this.

I got this. I was his age once.

Breasts are like these scary, mystical things that he's drawn to, like Frodo to Mordor.

Okay, I'm definitely going to talk to him.

No, no, no, no!

Boys don't want their moms talking to them about s*x any more than girls want their dads talking to them about periods, bras, and girdles and all that stuff.

You do know that women stopped wearing girdles like 30 years ago, right?

Honey, I know. I know.

That -- that is --

That is exactly the kind of sexual revolution that our son is going through right now, so...

Just -- let's just -- just trust it.

[grunts] Fix that step.

Just know I will handle this, okay?


Iel diablo!

Hey, Gloria, do you have any idea why Barkley was in the guest room?

I was just doing a little redecorating.

Sometimes it's good to move things around just to see how they look.

Yeah, but the guest room -- that's crazy.

He's not a guest. He works for us.

Hey, give me a hand here, will you?

I think his jacket shifted while I was moving him.


We can't have you untucked, our little butler.

That doesn't make any sense, does it, boy?

[fabric tears] Ay!

"Ay"? What was that? Is he all right?

Ay, no. My bracelet got caught a little bit here.

Well, don't panic.

I'm not panicking.

All right, try to relax.

We can fix him. Let me take a better look.

Come here, boy.


Hey, Dad.

Hey, buddy.

Um...look, You and I need to have a little talk.

About what?

Well, it's about computer stuff.

Um... [clears throat]

How do you make sure you've deleted something after you read it?

Sorry, Jay. It was an accident.

You know, I'm beginning to think you don't like Barkley that much.

I mean, first you hide him in the guest room, and now this.

It's ridiculous! I didn't mean to hurt it!

First of all, let's cut the "its."

He is a he.

And you can pretend to be innocent all you want, but actions speaks louder than words.

Yeah. They can be very revealing.

What are you trying to say?

Nothing, but you have to admit that the dog butler is a little ridiculous.

You know what else I think is ridiculous?

That mountain of pillows you have on our bed.

I feel like I'm working on a loading dock just trying to get under the covers.

They're pretty.

They're a damn nuisance.

Okay, forgive me for trying to make our home beautiful.

Well, you know, if I can put up with those, you can put up with a piece of art.

This is not art.

It's an unholy mix between man and beast.

But fine.

If you love it so much, put it wherever you want.

Thank you.

Where you going, to get some more pillows?

[chuckles] No, don't worry.

It'll be a long time before I bother you again with my pillows.

[sighs softly]

Why is Dad in Luke's room with the door closed?

They are having a little talk.

Is Luke being punished?

Is that your favorite thing, when your brother or sister gets into trouble?

My favorite is when they're both in trouble.

So, what'd he do?

Did he cheat on a test? He's a cheater.

He did not cheat on a test.

Did he lie?


He lies all the time.



I'm -- I'm just worried about Luke.

A lot of parents are hitting again.

I appreciate your concern, but your father has it under control.

[chuckles] 24.



Free slap. Bring it up.

[slap, Luke groans]




Can I be on the bottom now?


[spoon clinking, clatters]


Mm. How'd it go?

Well, he was really embarrassed, but everything's -- everything's fine now.

What'd you say?

Well, you know, I kind of promised him we'd keep everything between us.


Matter of fact, he'd be mortified if you brought it up with him... ever.

Oh, God. Really?


That actually makes me feel kind of bad.

Well... you're probably just feeling a little tense from all this.

I know I am.

You know what might help the situation?


Right now?

I meant going for a few pizzas.

Where's your mind?

I guess I live in a house full of s*x maniacs.

[clears throat]

Cameron: Amigo?

We can't help you if you won't come out.

Gardener: Gracias por invitarme a su casa.

Me averguenzo de mis lágrimas.

What'd he say?


Oh, come on!

The show starts in a half-hour, and we still have to pick up Manny.

Can -- can we just --

Come on, move this thing along.

Okay, this man is in crisis.

He could have a family-health issue or a personal-health issue or a financial matter.

Okay, wait, stop.

You're getting all this from "something house something"?

Let's just call Gloria and have her deal with it, okay?

"It" is a human being, Mitchell!

Named caesar salad.

Okay, what's going on with you?

Cam, you -- mnh! You always do this!

It's like you're incapable of hearing anyone's sad story without making it your job to fix it, and then my needs -- my needs come second.

Your needs right now are a puppet show.

This man could have lost his brother in a cable-car accident!

You understood "casa."

Okay, fine.

If it'll prove to you that I'm not the obsessive help-aholic that you make me out to be, let's go to the puppet show.


Let's go.

Ay, ÿdónde está mi novio?

Su camión está aparcado fuera.

I think this has something to do with the gardener.

You think?

Um, just down the hall to the right.

Ay, gracias, gracias.



Okay. Let's go.

Oh, no, please -- I know it's killing you not to get back there in the middle of that.

Oh, no, no, no, no. We are going.

These folks can find their own way out.

And now you'll know that I'm not a manic Mother Teresa out there collecting lost souls.

Oh, come on!


Is Manny ready?

Didn't you get the message? He's not going.


Oh, some mandatory cleanup at school.

What's the real reason?

It's a puppet show, Mitch.


All right, it's just you and me, then, Lily.

How's the little fortune cookie?

Oh, she's -- she's good. She's good.

Where's Cam?

We got into a fight.

Because of him, I have a house full of Latinos.

Welcome to my world.

So, trouble in gay paradise, huh?

Well, he just can't say no to anybody who needs help, and why do you have to always add the word "gay" where it doesn't belong?

Hey, hey -- you're not mad at me.

You're mad at the old balls and chain.

Okay, Dad, good talk. See you later.

Oh, come on. I didn't mean it.

Hey, I didn't mean it. I'm a little cranky.

I got into it with Gloria a little bit.

Oh, no. What happened?

Ah, she hates Barkley.

It's the same stuff I went over with your mom all the time -- get rid of the boat, get rid of the motorcycle.

You know, I liked those things.

Why do you have to get rid of it, then?

You know, actually, I don't.

Anyway, I'm gluing his hand on over here.

His hand came off.

Rough day, Dad.

Your hot, young wife doesn't like your doll.

[laughing] Yeah.

Unlike your big problem --

"My boyfriend's too nice to people."

No, see -- mm. That's not all it is.

He -- he helps animals.

He's always volunteering for things.

T-trust me, it -- it -- it's worse than it sounds.

Who are we kidding?

We both got it pretty good.

Hell, I'm probably fighting with your mom more than I'm fighting with Gloria on this thing.

A bird fell out of a tree, and he fed it with an eyedropper.

Just drop it, kid.

We're both with people different from us, and that's gonna create stuff, but you want different.

Your mom and I were perfect on paper, and you know how that ended.

What I got now is a lot better.

Sure, people look at us sometimes, and sometimes even I can't believe we're together.

But we're happy.

At the end of the day, there's no one I'd rather come home to.

You mean Gloria?

Who else?

No one.

I'll see you later.

See you, kid.

Did you draw on my poster?

Yeah, I did.

Maybe you'll think about that the next time you read my journal.

I didn't read your stupid journal, and I waited in line to get this signed, Haley.

Oh, don't be such a baby.

It's just some dude with weird hair.

That's Maya Angelou, you idiot.

Ohh, sorry I don't follow the WNBA.

You know what?

This is the worst thing you've ever done, and I'll never forgive you!

You started it!

What are you looking at?

Well, I just heard...

I was the one who read Haley's diary.

I was playing on her computer, and it just opened.

Okay, I opened it.

But I didn't mean for anyone to fight.

Oh. Home already.

Mitchell, hi! Hi!

Hi, Cam. Hi.

Did you forget the tickets?

No. You know, I was never gonna enjoy the show without you, so...

Oh, but you were so excited to take Lily to see the Russian Marionettes.

She's probably a little young anyways.

We can just prop her in front of the dryer for a half-hour.

Listen, Cam, I...I love that you try and help the world.

And I...I'm very lucky to have you in my life.

Oh, Mitchell.

How'd everything work out with the gardener?

Uh, great. Great.

Turned out it was his wedding day, and he was just a little nervous.

But you know what?

There's no need to apologize to me.

No, I need to. I've been very selfish.

No, no. Sometimes I take things too far.

Okay, well, if that ever happens, I will let you know.

[laughing] Okay.

[clears throat]

Is there a reason I can't go inside?

No. No, no. No.

Man: Y ahora te pronuncio hombre y esposa.

La puedes besar.

[loud cheers and applause]

Mom, can I talk to you?

Sure, honey. What's going on?

I feel bad about something I did.

Oh, sweetie.

Is this about the computer?


Something you shouldn't have been looking at?


It was just so freaky.

I couldn't stop looking.

I know, sweet pea, but the important thing is you did stop looking.


After about an hour.


Well, it's perfectly normal to be curious about these things.

Some parts were funny.


And some parts just seemed crazy.

Well, I hope you realize that some of those parts weren't real.

Obviously. [laughs]

But they can be totally real, right?


Like Anne Frank's?


All I know is, it really made me wonder about Haley.

That's disturbing, sweetie. Why Haley?

It was her journal.

You read my journal?

You little creep!

I'm sorry! I couldn't help it!

Wait, Haley's journal, too?

Luke, you are now banned from the computer.


What happened? Who's in trouble?

Luke read my journal!

I told you it wasn't me!

I'm gonna kill you!

Haley, calm down.

What, you're not even gonna yell at him?

That was private!

Oh, please.

The most shocking thing in there was your spelling.

You read it, too?

Am I the only one who hasn't read it?

I was looking through the computers in the house for pornography.

[scoffs] Sick.

Not for me.

I wanted to see what you guys are looking at.

So you're violating our privacy.

When I find out that my children are looking at a naked picture online, they don't have any privacy.

Who was looking at naked pictures?

That doesn't matter.

I wasn't.

It wasn't me!

That's gross! I'm 10!

Wait a minute.

What's wrong with you people?

If it wasn't you, who was it?


Rosa, thank you for coming. Gracias.

Carlos, let me know how it works out with that dentist.

Victor, you owe me a dance.

Yes, I'm a caring person, and without Mitchell, I would just keep giving and giving and giving.

I'm like a big, runaway charity truck, and Mitchell is my off- ramp full of safety gravel.

He knows how to say no.

He always can put himself first.

He certainly can turn his back on someone's suffering.


No, really, keep going.

He --

Don't keep going!

Gracias. Goodbye.

[exhales sharply]: That was nice.

[knock on door]

Oh, God! Dad.

Looks like I missed the party, huh?

What I -- what is that doing here?

He is a gift for you and Cam.

Thank you.

He lost his monocle on the drive.

Head was out the window.

Well, they love that.

I'll just put him here for now.

I don't want that.

I think he's cute. Let's give him a chance.

I came as soon as I heard your message.

Did you say that somebody was getting married?

Gloria, there you are!

I've got good news!

What's the matter?

[door opens]



I'm really sorry.

That picture was just something that someone sent me.

Doesn't matter who.

Gil Thorpe.


I don't do that stuff.

You're all the p0rn I need.

[stammers] That's --

Honey, it's fine. It's fine.



Now it's fine.


Claire: I couldn't care less about the picture.

I was just upset when I thought it was Luke.

Haley, honey, I really wish you would give me a hand with all this laundry.

Never, ever...

Haley's off in her own world.

Alex has never really been a kid.

But Luke is my baby.

Is it really too much to ask that he stay a sweet, innocent kid...


Hey, buddy.

Um...here, sorry.

We'll -- we'll dribble later.

Um...I just, uh, I just want to say I'm sorry.

I never meant to blame you for that whole picture thing.

Your mom sort of thought it was yours, and I...I should have stopped it, but I didn't.

So what was the picture of?

Well, it was a woman on a tractor, and she had her shirt off.

Was it hot?

Okay, we're being honest here.

Um...this particular woman --

Well, my tastes do run to the curvy, and the cowboy hat did not hurt one bit.

Couple that with the cut-off jeans -- and you were asking about the weather, weren't you?


Well, this is good. This is good.

You're gonna be going through some changes soon, and I think now you can feel safe talking to me about whatever.

[door closes]

Sadly, I've been summarily dismissed.

From the employ of masters Cameron and Mitchell --

The former being an utter delight, and the latter being a humorless snoot.

Just -- come on, get him in the car.

The thrift shop's closing.

What is this exciting thrift shop you speak of?

Many of my relatives were taken out of their homes to be released into the green pastures in their maturity!

Did you just say "maturity"?

Unhand me, you brute!

I regret nothing!

I'll pay you. I'm a comfortable man.

I've been stealing from your father for days.

Oh, is there any better feeling in the world than having your ears flap in the wind?

You know what? Get out.

You mean it? Sweet freedom?

No. No, not you, Barkley.

Cameron. Out.