01x15 - My Funky Valentine

Happy Valentine's Day.

Oh, happy Valentine's Day.

[Clicks Tongue]



So, Fratelli's tonight?

Hello, cannoli canoe.

Jay: I like it. Nice fit.

Swanky material.

Jay, you look so strong and sexy.

Like an Olympic wrestler, but with money.

[Both Laugh]

Your turn.



This is my favorite day in America.

Happy Valentine's Day, gorgeous.


They're huge!

Oh, my God.

Yeah, those will work.


You can wear 'em tonight.

I have a surprise.


Don't tell me you're finally taking me salsa dancing!

And who's David Brenner?

Only a Vegas legend.

Is he a magician?

'Cause I love magicians.

He's a comedian.

A comedian?

It's Valentine's Day.

I thought we were going salsa dancing, not to watch a comedian.

You're gonna love him.

Trust me.

The guy's hilarious.

Okay, tell me one of his jokes.

He doesn't do jokes.

Does he have a mallet?


So then how does he get hit in the head?

He doesn't get hit in the head.

He- He makes observations.

He tells the truth in a funny way.

Come on. He's been on Johnny Carson a hundred times.

Who the hell is Johnny Carson?

Oh, for God's sake.

Gloria and I are from different generations.

And I won't lie-

It isn't always easy.

I mean, last week she thought Simon and Garfunkel were my lawyers.

No I didn't.

It was a joke.

I don't get it.

Maybe that's because there's no mallet.

Yeah, I wish I had a mallet right now.


...was to stay in Northern California.

Did you indicate to her how long that you were gonna take?

Happy Valentine's Day.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Happy Valentine's Day, Daddy.

Happy Valentine's Day, Lily.

[Clears Throat]

Notice anything different?

Oh, that is cute.


We spent a lot of time on this.


I don't see how.

You just cut up one of your boas.

Uh- Actually, no.

We repurposed it.

It was sort of a Bob Mackie meets Martha Stewart project.

Okay. Well, we just thought it would be a nice surprise.

It's hardly a surprise.

I mean, you dress her up for every holiday.

I was giving her a bath last night, and I still saw traces of Martin Luther King behind her ear.

All right. Not in the spirit. We get it.

No, I'm-I'm sorry.

No. It's adorable. I just-

I'm really nervous about my closing argument.

Oh, you've been rehearsing for weeks.

You're gonna be great.

Let's hope so.

Hey, and I was wondering-

Since you're gonna be in court all day-

You can open the chocolates.


[Doorbell Rings]

Hi, Dylan.

Happy Valentine's Day, Mrs. Dunphy.

Oh. Dylan, thank you.

That is so sweet.

You know, all women should look as tasty as you when they're old.

Huh. Conflicted.

Hey, baby.

Hey. Take this sweet gift as a token of my affection, my unending love and admiration-

Oh, my God.

Yay, it's big!


Oh, my God.

I love it.

It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Seriously, you gotta put a black light on it.

It'll blow your mind.

Wow! Dylan, I didn't know you could paint.

Oh, I didn't.

I just took a photo and I put it through this program that turns it into a painting.



So you two actually did... that.


Yeah. Okay.

Let's go put this over my bed.

Not- No, no.


You don't need to be in the bedroom at all.

I'll take it.

Phil: Did he trump me?


You tell me.

He made a painting out of a photograph one time.

I have hand-picked a card, drawn a heart in the steam on the medicine cabinet, and taken Claire to Fratelli's, a family-style Italian restaurant, for 17 years in a row.

Yeah, he got me.

He got me.


♪ Hey, hey ♪
♪ Hey, hey Hey, hey ♪
♪ Hey, hey Hey ♪♪

Bye, honey.

See you later.

See you later.

Phil, what is that?

You know, we don't have to go to Fratelli's tonight.

Okay, what do you have in mind?

Well, I thought you might enjoy a night at a hotel.

I would, but would you and the kids be okay?

I meant together.

Yes, I know.


I know. I know.

I got it.

So, what do you think?

I think you're not getting any sleep tonight, so you might want to take a nap at work today.

I always do.

Phil? Sweetie.

As long as we're talking about being a little bit naughty, what would you say to a little role-playing?



I'm in.

I'll set up sleepovers for the kids.

And I'll swing by after work to pick you up.

No, no.

Why don't you meet me in the hotel bar and see if you can pick me up there.

Careful, lady.

You're gonna wake up a sexy sleeping giant.

[English Accent]

Perhaps I'll be Reginald Appleby, an English gentleman in town for a polo match.



[Chinese Accent]

Honorable businessman from Hong Kong.

Kinda wrecking it.

[German Accent]

It's not a big deal, Claire.

I just train tigers for a living.

[Inhales Sharply]

[Normal Voice]

Too- No?

Are these rose petals?

Yes, to commemorate our love.

[Sighs] I had to settle.

Well, your mom might think so, but a lot of people think I'm a catch.

No. The case.

I- I was this close to nailing it, and then my client gets scared and settles.

I'm sorry.

Maybe you'd like a chocolate.

Notice that I have not eaten any of the chocolates.

There were two levels.

You know it and I know it.

This is so frustrating.

I had one of the greatest closing arguments of all time- all about the big government rolling over the little guy, and I even had this great moment at the end... where I would point to the state seal and I'd say, "Shame!"

Oh, that's what you were doing in the shower.

I was a little worried.

[Doorbell Rings]

Um, that's Manny. I said we would watch him tonight.

I hope you don't mind.

I didn't know you were gonna be going through all this.

No, it's fine.

It might be nice to have him around.


He always make me laugh.

Hi, Manny.

The universe is cold and loveless.


Uh-oh. Bad Valentine's Day?


I went for the gold-

Fiona Gunderson.

I poured my heart and soul into a poem, left it on her desk.

I even burned the edges to make it look fancy.

And she didn't like it?

Oh, she loved it.

But this kid Durkas told her he wrote it.

Well, Manny, why-why didn't you just tell her the truth?

She was already gone.

And she's on a date with him at my favorite restaurant, Great Shakes.

How do you know all this?

I invited her in the poem.

Right after the line of, "My love is deeper than the Great Lakes."

Okay, well, this is unacceptable.

Oh, boy. Here we go.

No, it's not that big of a deal.

This is what we're gonna do.

We're gonna shoot over to Great Shakes, get a table.

Manny can reclaim the love of his life.

You and I can get a couple Mudslides.

I don't know.

Durkas is gonna be there.

I've seen the kid do a pull-up.

Hey, Manny, it's Valentine's Day.

It's not the day you run away from love.

It's the day you track it down, tie it up and take it home.

Now, if we can pull this off, you and your little lady friend... will be belly up to a ice cream counter having a milk shake with two straws.

What do you say?

I like it.


Thank you. Thank you.


They don't know why this is true, but it's true.

Women with big rear ends live longer.

Man who tell 'em that don't.

Did you read about this man, a 91 -year old bank robber in Texas?

He goes into a bank-

"The hell did I want?"

They had over 4,000 photos of him escaping from the bank.

[Laughter, Applause]


He's funny, huh?

♪♪ [Piano: Smooth Jazz]


Mind if I join you?

I'm Clive.

Clive Bixby.

Yes, I can see that.

I'm Juliana.

So, Clive, you in town for a convention, or do you just forget your name a lot?

Pretty kitty has nails.

I like that.

I'm in town for a trade show.

I design high-end electroacoustic transducers.

Wow, that is very... specific.

It's a fancy way of saying I get things to make noise.




So, what's your story?

Miss America Pageant in town?

You're a pretty smooth talker, Clive.

I'm pretty smooth all over.

Sir, there's no smoking in here.

Oh, that's fine.

I'm not actually a smoker.

You're quite the Boy Scout, Clive.

Tell me, would you be interested in earning a merit badge tonight?

Do you know anything about tying knots?

I probably shouldn't be talking to you.

I'm a married man.


Well, I just so happen to like married men.

Tell me about your wife.

Well, she's beautiful, of course.


Well, if she's so very beautiful, why are you here with me?

Because she's always so tired... and she's always making lists of things for me to do.

Maybe if you did them she wouldn't be so tired.

Oh, no.

She can make lists for days.

But back to your mouth and how sexy it is.

Mm-mmm. I wanna go back to these alleged lists and your nagging wife.

I'm not talking about you.


I didn't mean that.

Can we try this again?


So if your wife is so beautiful, why are you here with me?


I respect her too much... to do to her... what I'm going to do to you?

Oh, jackpot.

I'll be right back, Clive.


Do you have eyes on her?

Is she here?

Two o'clock- blonde at the back table.

Yep. I have a visual.

Mitchell: Let's not talk like that anymore. Over.

Okay, this is it. I'm off to win the heart of my beloved.

Well, this is nice.

I mean, if we can't have our own Valentine's Day, it's nice that we can give somebody else one.

All right, Cam.

I'm sorry.

I'm sor- I'm sorry I have not been attentive.

I've been spending the last five months... pouring my core beliefs into the greatest speech that I will ever write, and then that moment gets taken away.

Hey, buddy. How'd it go?

I can't do it, not while Durkas is there.

He has the natural confidence.

I admire it and fear it.

We will deal with him directly.

We need a plan.

[Clicks Tongue]

Could you be more dramatic?


We need a plan.


In Oregon, the state legislature ratified a, uh, bill... that from now on it is a crime... to have s*x in Oregon with a farm animal.

How ugly are the women in Oregon?

[Laughter, Applause]

He's funny, Jay.

I know. See?

I can tell you're not- you're not from Oregon.


You are gorgeous.

Thank you.

Thank you for bringing your father to the show.

Oh, no.

I'm her husband, Dave.

No kidding.


What's it like to be married to someone who was there when the Bible was written?

What was it called then?

Just "The Testament"?

That's, uh- That's-

That's good stuff.

Oh, now he's trying to turn out the light.

Phone call.

Over there.


Uh, yes. Hello.

Mr. Durkas?


[Southern Accent]

This is Don Jolly... with the Great Shakes corporate office, and I have good news for you.

You have been selected to take part in a random survey... that you could win cash and prizes.

Does that sound like something you'd be interested in?

Yeah, sure.

Okay, just a few simple questions for you.

Would you please rank your favorite ice creams at Great Shakes... from least favorite to favorite?

I don't know 'em by heart.

There should be a menu right there to your right.

To your right.

Mm-hmm. There you go.

Oh. Hi, Manny.

Hi, Fiona. Can I join you?

I guess so.


And you don't have to worry about him cheating.

That's for sure.

Because if he does, you'll catch him... when he comes home with two sets of teeth in his mouth.


So tell me, on the wedding night, what-what did he do?

Did he say he wanted to change into something comfortable and go into a coma?

Listen, I gotta use the men's room.


I gotta use the men's room.

I'll be right back.

Where you going? Wait a minute.

I'm only joking. That's what I do.

You know, you're way younger than I am.

You just don't look it.

Clive, I have a little something for you.

What is it?

My dress.

Oh, th-

My bra.

Oh, my G-

My underwear.

My God.


What do you say we take this upstairs?

This is so much better than cheesy garlic bread.


Durkas: Chocolate.

Uh-huh. Go on.


I'm taking copious notes.

Keep goin', Mr. Durkas.

So, why would Ted say he wrote the poem if he didn't?

Maybe because you're the cutest girl in school, and you have a laugh that makes science lab seem like recess.

Would you be more or less inclined to visit a Great Shakes establishment... if you knew your satisfaction was guaranteed?

That's a dumb question.

Excuse me. It is not a dumb question, Mr. -

Tarnation! He hung up.

Then you can drop the accent.

Delgado. What are you doing here?

Discussing poetry.

Maybe you'll like to recite some of yours.

Ted: I'm not gonna recite anything.

Just admit you didn't write the poem.

I don't know what he's talking about.

Get out of here before you get your butt kicked.

I'm going over there.

No, I got this.


Whoa! Whoa, sir! Sir?

Turn around.

Sir, you have no right to claim ownership of another person's work.

Who are you?

I'm a lawyer.

You have a lawyer?

It is one thing to lie, but then to bully this young man- it's unforgivable.

[Chattering Stops]

And this is what's wrong with the world today.

The big guy... thinks that he can roll right over the little guy... until the little guy says, "Enough."

And that's what this little guy's doing- right here, right now.

Can we stop calling me "little guy"?

I'm in the 40th percentile.

Shh. I got this.

Ted Durkas clearly did not write that poem.

I know it.

He knows it.

Deep down in your heart, Fiona-


You know it too.


Fine! Whatever.

I stole his stupid poem.

Fiona: You did?

I told you.

There you go.

I only did it because I had the feelings, I just didn't know how to show 'em.


That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me.

You've gotta be kidding me.

Let's get out of here.

This chick's crazy.


I've never seen you like that.

You have no idea how good that felt.

Well, happy Valentine's Day, counselor.

This is all happening so fast, Juliana.

I know, and I have to be home to my husband by midnight.

Ooh, a twist.


Phil, my coat is stuck.

Who's Phil?

No, not now!


My coat is stuck.

Oh, oh.

Honey, take off your coat!

Are you kidding me?

Pull it.

Oh, my goodness.

Pull it.

Come on. Come on.

Claire: Oh, boy.

Not good. Not good.

[Buzzer Sounds]

[Escalator Stops]


Okay. Okay. Okay.

Come on up. Treat 'em like they're regular stairs.

It's okay.

Come on through.

Happy Valentine's Day.

You look lovely.

So do you.

Not in a weird way.


How are you? Hi.


Happy Valentine's-

Let me just get in here.

Let me get in here.



Hey, Tom.


How are you? Honey-

Claire, you remember Tom Mickleson from the office and his wife, Susan.

I do. Hey.

Is your coat stuck?

It is. It really is.

It's in there pretty darn good.

Why don't you take it off?

Um, I'm freezing cold.

At least let me give it a shot.

Phil: Oh, I don't think-

No, no, no. I got it.

Mr. And Mrs. Dunphy?


Principal Balaban.

Hey, how are you?

Claire: Hi.

Who's Clive Bixby?

Oh, uh, he makes speakers.

He's actually in town for a trade show.


My, are you stuck?

Yeah, I am.

A little bit.

Why don't you take off that coat?

Um, I'm chilly.

It's really jammed in here.

Let me in there.

I'll get you.

No, I think we're okay.

Mrs. Dunphy?

Are you kidding me?

Hi! Luke's math teacher, Ms. Passwater.



[Laughter, Applause]

Ah, Jay, papi, don't pay attention to what he's saying.

He's just being funny.

Because he points out the truth.

Those people were laughing because they saw it too.

What do you care what they think?

I don't.

I care what you think.

I love you.

You're my valentine.

Yeah, for now.

But what about when I'm 80 and I'm in a wheelchair, on oxygen?

You still gonna want me?

Do you think I'm so shallow that I'm gonna leave you when you're old?

What if I gain a hundred pounds?

You gonna leave me then?


What's with the pause?

Well, it's not exactly fair.

I mean, I have to get old.

You don't have to get fat.

If I want to get fat, I get fat.

Okay, fine. And if you do, I'll be there. You'll see.

Yeah, watch me.

Watch me, how I get fat.

I can get fat.

And I'll be there.



You wanna go back in?


I got a better idea.

Let's go salsa dancing.

This guy's not that funny.



We're good! We're good!

I talked to Maintenance.

They're- They're-

They're coming, so go on ahead.

See you guys.

See you later.

See you in school.

Good to see you guys.

Maintenance is gonna take care of it.

So we're fine.

Okay. Okay, how long till they get here?

I was faking it.

No one's coming for us.

Well, then, go and get them!


That was the most embarrassing moment of my life.

Claire! Phil!

Stand by.


What, did you get your belt stuck?

I did. Yeah.

Take your coat off.

Here, let me help you.

No, no, Dad.

Dad, I'm fine.

Come on!

What are you, naked under there?

Aw, geez.

It's okay.

I got this.


Claire, follow my lead, okay?


Claire: Wow. Okay.

Thank you.

It has happened to me before.

That was impressive.

Take it down a notch, Clive.

Phil: You okay?

Yeah. I'm good.

All right.

I'm good.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Claire: Happy Valentine's Day.


Okay. See ya.


Good night.

Oh. That's-



See you, guys.

Claire: Hi, honey.

[Phil On Speaker]

Hey, I just wanted to tell you how great you were last night.

Uh, Phil-

Sorry I got the, uh- the oil everywhere, but, heyâ€"

Uh, sweetie-

They're not our sheets, right?

Honey- Honey, remember when the salesman told us... that the Sienna was built with the whole family in mind?


Well, the whole family just heard that.

Uh- Uh- Guess-

I guess the Bluetooth works.


Why did you have oil?

Because, buddy, we were making French fries.

In your room?

Claire: Why don't you guys just pop in a DVD?