01x17 - Truth Be Told

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Modern Family". Aired: September 2009 to April 2020.*
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"Modern Family" follows three different, but related families as they give us an honest and often hilarious look into sometimes warm, sometimes twisted, embrace of the modern family.
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01x17 - Truth Be Told

Post by bunniefuu »

Doesn't she also have
No boys at forever?

Don't you have an eating
disorder you need to attend to?

Yeah, anyway, uh,
we could see the : or the : .

Oh, actually, that's no good.

I'm meeting my friend
denise for a drink.

Denise? Do I know denise?

Yeah, you know, my old girlfriend.
Oh, my god. Gross.

I can't even picture
you with a woman.

Thank you.

You had a girlfriend before mom?

Try two.

Trust me. I had plenty
of fun in my time.

And then I met your mom.

And thank you.

So, uh, I guess she travels
around selling makeup

For a cosmetics company.

She's in town for a week.

You mean she's like a
door-to-door salesman?

If you were doing it,

They'd call it a
dork-to-dork salesman.

Ohh!

My boy strikes like a rattlesnake!

Oh, yeah? Well - well, you...

Wow. All right, well,
we can see the movie tomorrow.

Come on. It's time for your lesson.

You mean her second lesson,
because she just got schooled.


What's wrong with me today?

Shake it off, champ.

It's not your day.

Hey.

Ay.

Good morning, papi. Is it?

Aw, you're still sad
because of that audition.

That part was mine.
I was born to play tevye.

Instead they give
it to rod jackson?

What does he know from suffering?

How we doing?

A little better,

But we're gonna go and throw
ice cream at the problem.

Well, if that doesn't work,
this should do the trick.

"what doesn't k*ll us
makes us stronger. "

We can hang this in your room.

You can see it every morning,
start to internalize it.

Pretty soon,
nothing will keep you down.

But it's not true.
What are you talking about?

Lots of stuff that doesn't
k*ll you makes you weaker.

My friend's grandfather
had a heart att*ck.

Now he needs a machine to breathe.

I've seen him at the supermarket.

Now he needs to drive one
of those little, like...

Yeah, that's right. Be negative.

It's just not a good poster, jay.

You're only making me stronger.

Did you pack the, uh,
bread for the ducks?

Yes.

Not the whole-wheat kind.
The ducks don't like that.

They're ducks, mitchell.
They don't care.

We both believe that animals

Should play a big
part in lily's life.

Having grown up on a farm,
I was surrounded by them.

They were more like
brothers and sisters

Than just, you ow, livestock.

Delicious brothers and sisters.

Life on a farm - they know
what they're getting into.

Eesh.

Wait. Oh, it's the office.

Don't answer it. I have to.

It's like this every Saturday.
Just ignore it.

Well, maybe it's
not that this time.

Hello?

Yeah.

That's nice.

Holy...

Shel? You all right, buddy?

Oh, there's four of them, mitchell!

They're giving her
little duck kisses,

And she - oh, she's laughing!

I can't believe
you're missing this.

Well, why not, cam?
I've missed everything else.

She rolled over when
I was in phoenix.

She started scooting
en I was in court.

Well, just tell them
you're not coming in.

You do enough for them.

Well, you know that,
I know that, you know?


The only one who doesn't
know that is my sucky boss.

He's the suckiest suck of all time.

He's a miserable son
of a bitch who...

May have heard
everything I just said.

When are you getting
together with your gal pal?

Actually, I was just
checking on that.

She's supposed to
send me a message.

Ohh. You're facebook friends.

Sure am. Oh...

She's one of my friends.

Everybody wants a slice.

How long have you two been
in touch with each other?

Uh, she tracked me
down about a year ago.

Mm. Mm, mm.

What? What's - what's that sound?

Mm. Nothing.

Oh. There she is right now.

"how about we meet
at le reve at : ?"

Well, that sounds innocent enough.

I mean, drinks with
an ex-girlfriend

At an intimate french restaurant.

Honey, you're doing that thing

Where you say what
I want you to say

But your tone seems mean.

Let me guess -
denise isn't married.

Recently divorced.
What's the big deal?

Come on, phil.
You can't be that naive.

Seriously, women in their s
on the internet are like -

They're like ninjas.

They get in their
little black outfits

And try and sneak their
way into your marriage.

That's not denise. Mm.

Here, read some of her messages.

You're gonna feel silly.

Go ahead.

"hey, phil. How's it goin'?"

You can't add the sexy voice.

"hi, phil. How's it going?"

"so glad to hear
your neck is bette"

Are you seriously jealous?

no! I am not jealous at all.

I just happen to know
women better than you do,

And that woman wants a slice.

Okay, just to prove
how wrong you are,

I'm gonna invite her
over here for drinks.

Fine with me.

Just hope it's fine with denise.

"gee, phil.

I really had my heart
set on le reve. "

That voice doesn't bother me.

Kind of like it!

Well, has he been
acting weird around you?

No, no. I've been
avoiding him all morning.

So you don't even
know if he heard you.

Well, that's why we're doing this.

Hey, where are you?
I only have a half-hour for lunch.

Hello, handsome.

Okay, so, uh,
this is where it happened.

Just, um, turn off the phone,
roll down the window,

And we'll - we'll see
if you can hear me.

Okay.

Go around! We're
re-creating a faux pas!

Thank you!

Okay. C-can you hear me now?

Uh, yeah, but just barely.
Is this how loud you were talking?

Uh, well, it might have
been a little bit louder.

There was traffic.
I mean, I almost had to shout.

You almost had to what? Shout.

Little bit louder now. Shout!

Little bit louder now.
Shout!

♪ hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

Really, cam?

My job is at stake here and -

Oh, w-who are we kidding?

You can obviously hear me.
I am so screwed.

Manny?

Manny, come here a second, pal.

Huh?

I got some bad news, buddy.

What iit?

Well, there's no
easy way to say this.

Shel turtlestein is dead.

I was down here reading the paper,

And I heard this commotion
up in your room, so...

So naturally I go running up there.

And this mangy raccoon had
busted through your screen.

He must have scampered
up to where shel was.

By the time I walked in,
he had him -

The little bastard had him
by the neck, shaking him.

Gravel's flying everywhere.

He didn't even flinch.

He just stared at me
with that smug look

And then bolted.

If only I'd have got here earlier.

May I see the body?

Baby, are you sure
that's a good idea?

It's something I have to do.

That's him. Sorry, pal.

It just doesn' make any sense.

Yep. Only the good die young.

But in school we leaed
raccoons are nocturnal.

They sleep during the day.

They sure do,
and this one must've got up

For a midnight snack.

You know, we've all done that.

I guess so. Yeah.

It all adds up.

I don't think I can
be in here right now.

Too many memories.

He'll be okay.

You lie. What?

I'm colombian.

I know a fake crime
scene when I see one!

I was hanging up the new poster.

And it fell on top of him.
It was an accident.

You have to tell him.

No. I've been through this before.

When mitchell was ,

I was suosed to take
care of his bird.

It got out and flew into a fan.

It was like a bloody pillow fight.

My god. How many pets have
you k*lled? Just the two.

I took the heat on the bird.
It was a big mistake.

To this day, mitchell looks at me,
I see him thinking,

"that's the guy who
k*lled fly-za minnelli. "

And what if he finds out?
Then what?

You'll be the guy that k*lled
his pet and lied to him.

He's not gonna find out,
because I covered my tracks.

Okay.

Fly-za minnelli?

How did I not know
that kid was gay?

Hey, luke! Big day for you, huh?

Why?

Because you get to meet
your real mom. What?


We all made a pact we'd
deny it until you turned ,

But that's the real reason

Dad's old girlfriend
is coming over.

She's your mom,
and if she likes you,

You'll go live with her.

I'm not adopted.

I'm asking mom.

You mean mrs. Dunphy?

She's not going to
tell you the truth.

I- I-I'm not...

I know. Unh!

Just 'cause he called you
a dork-to-dork salesman?

The empire strikes back.

Raccoons have five toes.

What's that?

I don't mean to bother you.

It's just confusing.

The footprints in my
room only have four toes.

You know, I bet I know wt happened.

I'll bet he lost those
toes in a fight.

And that guy looked like
he'd been in a brawl or two.

One toe from each foot?

Maybe.

Y- you know, manny,

I think the only thing
that's gonna get you

To stop asking all these questions

Is for you to have a little closure.
What do you mean?

Well, I'd like to throw a
little memorial for shel.

It'll be good for all of us.

That way, we get our grief out,

And then we never have to
talk about this ever...

Ever again.

hi!

Oh, careful, there's a thing.
Ooh. That's a...

good to see you.

Hi!

Hi! Oh, my gosh! Hi, I'm claire.

You must be d- o-kay.

Whoa. Okay. Denise.

Oh, and you're even prettier

Than the pictures that
phil's always posting.

Just a couple.

Shut up. Every week.
He loves showing you off.

My boyfriend likes
your acapulco pictures

Probably a little too much.

Well, thank your
boyfriend for me. Sure.

Come on in. Plea.

Oh, I brought you, um,

Some lifting intensifier.

Not that you need it.

It's a limited edition, so...

Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, denise, I think you
might know these people.

That's haley... Hi.

...Alex, and -

Luke! Ohh!

I had curly hair just like
that when I was little.

So? That doesn't mean anything!

Why don't we, uh, come on in,
have a seat? Please.

So, what was my dad
like in high school?

Only the most amazing
breakdancer ever.

Uh-oh. Don't fire it up.

What? What? Uh-oh.

Oh, no. Yeah.

He had a boombox and a piece
of cardboard in his locker.

And what was your dance name?
O- zone. Yeah.

I drove him to a "star
search" audition.

Which is totally political,
by the way.

O- zone. That is dead-ass funny.

I'm so calling you that.

Thank you.

Wow. You really lucked out.

You have a beautiful wife... Ohh.

...A gorgeous house,
and those kids.

I could take luke home with me.

Well, be my guest.

Seriously. You go right ahead.

No!

I like it here!

Unh!

Alex, honey, will you go find out

What's wrong with your brother?

Okay.

You know, um, it's okay,

I think I'm just
gonna use the, um...

Oh, yeah, of course.

Down the hall, left-hand side.
You can't miss it.

Thanks.

Okay, she's fantastic. Yes?

Yes. I feel awful.

Who assumes the worst about people?

I first noticed it seven
years - you're not.

I'm such an idiot. Is it...

Oh, I'll show you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. Thanks.

so, how are we gonna do this?

I- I thought I'd just
point at the door,

So I was thinking,
like - I was thinking, too.

Here...

Is my hotel-room key.

You can come by whenever you want.

When I - when I pulled up
next to you at that stoplight?

Funny? Yeah.

Because I was on the
phone with my partner,

Talking about how horrible
his boss was - his.


And then, uh, you pull up, so...

Anyway, I'm glad I ran into you.

I'm getting worried they're
gonna move up our court date.

I- I need you to bust ass preparing.

Because if they
call us on Monday -

uh, you need to get that?

No, no, it's - it's fine.
I just, uh...

Picture of my daughter
standing for the first time.

Yeah, they do that. It's a big day.

Anyway, I need you here tomorrow.

Now, I know it's a Sunday, but, uh,

You think you can be on time, okay?

Actually, um...

I- I have plans tomorrow.

Uh, so I won't be here.

I- I have plans to stay
at home with my family

And do absolutely nothing, okay.

But I will see you
on Monday. Mm-hmm.

So - so you're in charge now,
is that it?

Well, I-I just figure if
my daughter can stand up,

Then so can I.

All right, look...

We've all been working
hard lately, okay?

But that's the job.

So either come in tomorrow,

Or don't bother coming back again.

Okay.

Hmm.

Need the, uh, I.D. To... Uh-huh.

...Make the elevator go
down to freedom!


And this, to complete my set.

"turtle. Reptile. Pet.

Shel turtlestein was many things. "

I don't think I can do
this without crying.

Maybe we should just
get to the cold cuts.

But we want to hear it.
Jay, why don't you read it?

You were with him at the end.

Remember?

"shel turtlestein was many things,

"but above all, he was my friend.

"when I didn't get a date
with fiona gunderson,

"shel was there.

"when I didn't get to
play the part of tevye,

"shel was there.

"and when a raccoon
broke into my room,

"unfortunately, shel was there.

"I said a lot of
things to my friend,

"but the one thing I
never got to say was...

Goodbye. "

Stop!

I know what really
happened. You do?

I left a bag of chips near my bed.

The raccoon must have smelled it.

It's my fault he's dead.

sorry, shel.

Jay, you don't have
anything to say to manny?

yeah.

Manny...

Shel forgives you.

Thank you.

Oh, denise. Ha!

These pictures are amazing.
Thank you.

Wow. Sweetie, that perm.

Technically,
it's a jheri curl. Ohh.

I just love to takpictures.

I took this one of myself today.

No. No. That's the worst idea.

No. No.

Oh!

What am I, raised
by a pack of wolves?

Hey, come on, now.

Honey...

You weren't completely
wrong about denise.

How's that? She wants me.

To do what? It. Her.

Oh. Oh, this is because
of the thing I said

About facebook and that
erybody's hooking up,

And now you're disappointed.

No. She bit the air
right in front of me!

Like that. What?

And then look what
she tried to give me.

Anything I can help with?

No, I just - I can't
find my corkscrew.

Ohh.

Touch me. O-kay.

Denise, I think,
somewhere along the line,

You got the wrong idea.

My head is full of wrong ideas.

You have such great taste, claire.

Thank you.

I remember phil used to
have really good taste, too.

Get a little bit of this.
Oh, here it is.

Phil, would you mind grabbing
us a couple glasses? You betcha.

Need me to grab anything? Nope!

Okay, this is so wrong.

I know. It's way more exciting
when she's in the room.

No!

I still have my cheerleader outfit.

So do I, but this
still can't happen.

When did that break?

Why are you wussing out?!

I never wussed in!

What about all those things
you wrote on facebook?

"how was your day?
My neck is so sore. "

Why do people keep adding
voices to these things?

I didn't mean anything.

are you telling me
that I wasted a year

Of my life on this relationship?

What relationship?

How many other women
have you led on?

Now I don't know!

Phil?

Phil, honey?

Do you remember when
you broke your arm

When we were first dating?

Yeah, uh, when I
slipped on the ice.

Right. That's so weird.

Because in this picture,
you're sitting with denise,

And you have a broken arm, so...

Yeah. That's - that's weird.

So you were still dating her
when you started dating me?

No. Phil?

Yeah. Maybe.
Just, there was a time -

A little overlap when, uh,

I was trying to break
things off with denise.

Uh-huh. You took me to santa fe!

Santa fe.

Phil, you told me
that was your father.

Okay, I know the pain is fresh,
but the lie is really old.

You know, this was a mistake.
I'm gonna leave.

Claire, if I were you,
I would kick him out.

Maybe he'd appreciate you more

After he spent a lonely
night in a hotel.

At the radisson.

By the airport.

You quit?! Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. It was amazing.

No, no, this is the new me, cam.

I am not letting people
run my life anymore.

I should be nervous,
but I'm - I'm not.

I'm excited for you. Yes!

It's exciting. It's exciting.

Because you followed your heart,
and that is worth celebrating.

Cam, I just feel - ha-ha! -

So liberated.

Hey!

And I'm not picking it up.

Ooh! I like this guy!

I do, too. I mean,
y- yes, we'll have to -

We'll have to cut
back a little bit.

But isn't it worth it if you feel

Like you're living your
life for the first time?

Totally. Oh. What were
we even waiting for?

You will go back to teaching music,

And then I'll - I'll just fin.

And until then, all we need to do

Is just sit back

And watch this little
miracle here dazzle us.

I'm tingling.

I am, too.

It's like my heart is full for
the first time in forever.

Oh, god, it's really pounding.

It's like I feel the weight
of endless possibilities

Just sitting on my chest.

She is not doing anything, cam.

You're not panicking,
are you? Of course I am panicking!

No! Don't panic.
If you panic, I panic!

I just quit my job! Cam!

Oh, my god, mitchell,
I am used to nice things!

What are we gonna do?!

Okay, no, no,
just calm - calm down.

This is what we're gonna do.
I am going to -

I'm gonna do what
I'm trained to do.

I am going to lie,
grovel, debase myself

Until I get what I want.

I am a lawyer, damn it.

Mitchell!

No.

Oh, no, you're right - the tie.

No, we'll - we'll find
something better for you,

Something that works for all of us.

There's no plan "b" here, cam.

We have a mortgage. We have -

We have a - a child
to support. I -

Hey. It's gonna be okay.

We're gonna figure it out.

I just want you to be happy,
and you will be happy.


And that is something
worth toasting.

Let's just drink the cheap stuff

'cause we might have
to sell that bottle.

It's hard to sleep in a bed of lies,
isn't it, jay?

Kids get over these
things pretty quick.

He's probably sleeping
like a baby right now.

I'm sure he's wide awake...

Full of guilt.

Well, I'm going to sleep.

Damn it!

Hello, jay.

What are you doing up?

Waiting. Waiting for what?

The truth.

It wasn't a raccoon, was it?

Oh, all right, you got me.
I k*lled shel.

All right? I'm sorry.
It was an accident.

Why didn't you just tell me?

Cause I didn't want you
to be upset with me.

You and I got off to a rocky start.

But lately it's been pretty good.

I was afraid I'd mess all that up

If you knew that I was the
one that k*lled your pet.

Now you're the guy
who k*lled my pet

And made a stupid lie about it.

Well, I don't think it was stupid.

I thought it was pretty clever.

Look, I s just trying
to avoid past miakes.

Look...

I know I can't make things
all better right now,

Maybe.

Get some rest.

Since we're confessing things...

You know that scratch on your car?

The one that can't
be buffed out? Yeah.

You should probably
know how it happened.

I know how it happened.

Raccoon did it.

Good night, jay. Good night, kid.

Best thing I ever did was quit a miserable
job and start my own business. thanks, dad.

Now, it's not gonna be easy,

But that's why gloria and I want
to give you a little something

To help you through it.

No, dad, I can't.

No, I want to, mitch.

Okay, but, I mean,
a- as soon as I'm back on my feet,

I- I really want to -

Oh. Oh. Dad. No, you -

You tried to give
me this years ago

When my pet snake d*ed.

I did? Yes.

Zsa-zsa ga-boa.

Oh, that's adorable.

And you really didn't
know that he was gay?

I must have, right?
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