01x24 - Family Portrait

Ordinarily, I'm a rule follower, but when someone tells me I can't bring my own snacks into their stadium, that's when I get a little nuts.

[plastic crinkles]

It's a free country, right?

Let's just say it ruffles me...

[plastic crinkles]

...When some goobers...

[plastic crinkles]

...Tell me I have to spend half my payday...

[plastic crinkles]

...On their hot dogs.

[plastic crinkles]

Please, just remember the family portrait.

We only have the photographer for an hour.



And, sweetie, did you have a chance to try on the white pants I put in your closet?

Oh, what do they look like?

Is there really a more clear way to describe white pants?

Sweetie, if they don't fit you, you're gonna be the only one not wearing white, and then you're gonna stand out like "where's Waldo?"

Actually, "where's Waldo?" doesn't stand out.

He's super hard to find.

That's the challenge.

This portrait is incredibly important to me.

Also, his name is just Waldo. Sorry.

I spent weeks trying to find a time that works for everybody and finding the right photographer.

So if you could just promise me that you'll cooperate, okay?

I promise.


This is amazing that you're doing this.

Mm, thank you.

You're wonderful.

Thank you.

Get in here.


[Plastic crinkles]

Oh, no can do.

Oh. Oh.

I love you.

[Smooches] Bye.

[Birds chirping]

Where's my good underwear?

The question is, why isn't all your underwear good, Jay?

You make a nice living!

The new maid keeps mixing up my underwear with Manny's.

Put on the first thing I grabbed... it was like a crotch tourniquet.

You got to talk to her.

Why me?

Hola. You both speak the same language.

She's portuguese.

Do you know how offensive it is that you put all of us in the same mixing pot?

[doorbell rings]

I'm sorry.

Please apologize to her when you tell her not to put my underwear...

I can't talk to her!

Hey, guys.



Where's Luke?

I'm going instead.

Luke suddenly remembered a school project due tomorrow.

Oh, that's tough.

But it's a good lesson for the kid.

You know, you make a commitment, you got to follow through.


What is the project?

Uh, he has to interview somebody who lived through the 1960s.

[Sighing] Oh, no.

[Cellphone rings, beeps]


Yeah, Luke.

Oh, sure, I remember what I said.

Yeah, come on over.

All right.

Gloria, you're gonna have to take Manny to the game.

Yay. Manny, vamos!

I'm still getting dressed!

Hey, mom!

I think my diet's working!

My underwear won't stay up!


Oh, so delicious.


Hey, you're okay with me not going with you today, right?

I have been hired to sing at a wedding this weekend.

I was plucked from obscurity after a particularly stirring [chuckling]

Karaoke performance.

So I guess you could say I'm a professional singer now.

I don't know.

Well, they're paying you in flowers, so...

Well, I would have blown the money on flowers anyway.

They're saving me a step.

Plus, all the great divas are rewarded in flowers.

They're also given paychecks.

It's just, I'm really bad at small talk, so...

I get it.

It's not a problem.

Are you sure?

Because you've been quiet all morning.

It's because I'm resting my instrument.


I feel tension.

[Upbeat music plays]

[Crowd shouting]

Phil: Kobe!

Kobe! Kobe!

Kobe! Kobe!

Kobe! Kobe!

Hey, hat can I do for you?

Do you like being a basketball...Player?

You serious?

I choked. I didn't think you'd look up here at me.

Little preparation next time.

It's a mental game.

Dually noted.

All right.

[Keys clatter]

What's wrong?

That broken step.

It's gonna ruin our whole family portrait.

Claire: Okay, here's my idea.

I'm really excited about it.

The whole extended family, all dressed in white, in a single-file line down the staircase.

Oh, like a line on the highway.


Or a... a ski jump.


Why... why would I want a ski jump?

I don't know.

My idea was to have the whole family on a giant bed like in "Willy Wonka."

Yeah, but that's ridiculous.



I don't see anything.

So I'm crazy?

No! You're...Not.

Your father was supposed to fix that step.

Mom, you're obsessing over the tiniest little thing.

So you do see it.


What is the big deal about this one picture?

Honey, you know what?

I don't expect you to understand.

But [Sighs] All right.

When you're a mom, everything goes by so quickly.

In a minute, Luke's gonna be shaving, and Alex is gonna be off at college, and... and you're gonna be...

You're gonna be doing something great.

[Breathes deeply]

Just want to freeze this moment as it is right now.

You know?

I do.

I know I don't show it, ...but this family's still the most important thing that I...

Screw it.

I'm gonna fix the b*st*rd.

I mean, seriously, how hard can it be?

If your father can do it, I can do it, right?

All right.


I just need to...

Like, lift...

Oh. Now I see it.



[Cheers and applause]

These seats are amazing!

Why you have candy coming out of your pants?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.


I brought my own snacks.

Not because I'm cheap.

It's a matter of principles.

Plus, I get a little rush from the danger.

Be cool! Be cool!

Be cool!

Just look straight ahead.

I've never felt more alive.


Okay, I just made it worse.

I'm not freaking out, though.

I'm gonna call your dad, and he's gonna tell me how to fix this.

"Oh, my God, it's dad"


Right there, behind Kobe!


Oh, how weird is this?

Quick. Quick. Tell me something to say that'll freak him out.

Tell him I'm pregnant!

No, I'm not gonna say that.


Okay, here we go.

How funny is this?


Hey it's Phil.

You know what to do.


Well, that was pretty funny.


Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Ohh. Ohh. Ohh.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!


[Cellphone rings]

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Sorry for that.



There is a pigeon in our house!

What do I do?

What do I do?

Who is this?

Never funny.

Not funny now.

Calm down.

You know, I grew up around many animals.

One time, a rooster attacked me, and my mom wrung its neck, and we had it for dinner.

Great time for an anecdote.

Help me!

It's more afraid of you than you are of it.

Pigeons aren't scared of anything.

They stand on electrical wires.

You're gonna be fine, Mitchell.

You know what?

Just as long as you don't... oh, you know what?

They're starting. I got to go.

Okay. Bye.


As long as I don't what?!

Cam, as long as I don't...

Oh. [groans]

Ooh, the kiss Cam!

Wouldn't it be embarrassing if the camera was on us and then the crowd started...

We're related.

Not by blood.

Touch me, and there will be blood.

[Cheers and applause]

Not us.

What's wrong with you?

It's the kiss-cam... when it lands on you, you're supposed to kiss.

[Crowd booing]

It's my wife's dad's second wife, so, legally okay, but still weird.

That was awkward.

And... we're back.

[Crowd booing]

Ay, come on.

It's not a big deal.

[Cheers and applause]

Thank God for caller I.D.

So you don't have to talk to your wife.


Oh, we're gonna talk, mister.


We're gonna talk and talk...

[Cellphone beeps]


Mom saw you on TV!

You're dead.

Phil: Here's the thing.

The kiss-cam is only supposed to be for the enjoyment of the people at the game!

They never show that on TV.

What people do in the privacy of their own sports arena should be their own business.

So, in '66, I worked at my grandfather's office-supply business.

You know, your ink, your staples, your legal pads.

Am I going too fast for you?

I feel asleep for a second.

Did you do anything interesting in the '60s?

Well, one summer, I swept up hair at my other grandfather's barber shop.

Ugh, you're killing me!

What do you want?

I don't know.

Brian Beckwith's grandfather marched on Washington.

Artie Beckwith?

He couldn't walk two feet without complaining.

He marched on Washington?

He told Brian he did.

With Martin Luther king Jr.

Martin Luther king?

Guess who cut his hair.

[Chuckling] What?

Do you know who cut Martin Luther king Jr.'s hair?

Neither does Luke's teacher.

So, the barber shop was in Washington?


Did you cut any other famous hair?

Oh, yeah, the Kennedys, Richard Nixon, all the astronauts.

How do you think Buzz Aldrin got his nickname?

[Chuckling] Awesome.

Mitchell: ♪ we love to play in lily's room ♪ we don't need any milk ♪


Okay, you know what, Lily?

I am a man.

I am going into the kitchen to get your milk.

[Lily crying]

[Breathing heavily]


[Breathing deeply]



[Screaming continues]

Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Ohh!

[Lily crying] Come on.

[Cello playing]

♪ Ave Maria ♪
♪ gratia plena ♪
♪ Maria, gratia plena ♪
♪ Maria, gratia plena ♪
♪ ave, ave Dominus ♪
♪ Dominus tecum ♪
♪ benedicta tu in mulieribus ♪
♪ et benedictus fructus ventris ♪
♪ ventris tui, Jesus ♪
♪ ave Maria ♪


Then one day, Wilt Chamberlain shows up.

He says, "can you take a little off the top for my friend here?"

And it's Elvis.

[Chuckling] No way.

Greatest singer that ever lived... after Sinatra.

I'll fight any man who says different.

My dad says the greatest singer who ever lived is Peabo Bryson.

Then I guess I got to fight your dad.

Yeah. I guess.

[Cellphone beeps]

Luke says grandpa wants to fight you.



Why does everything have to suck?!

Let's just do the picture another day.

I think I'm getting a pimple.


Do you know how long it took me to book this photographer?

Maybe by the fireplace.


That's a classic old-person spot for a portrait.

Yeah, if I'd ever bothered to paint that hideous wall.

Claire is a perfectionist, which sometimes is a good thing, like when it comes to picking a [Chuckling] husband.

Sometime it's a bad thing, like when, uh, everyone else sees something beautiful, and all she sees is the teeny, tiny flaw.






My house is a disaster.

Can we do this picture at your place?

Yeah, yeah, that's... that's not gonna work.

Maybe one more layer... and tight, really tight.

Dad, can you call them again?

I just did.

They're on their way.

Game went into overtime.

I know, but we're losing the light, and the photographer has got to get to a Bar Mitzvah in 10 minutes.

Oh, red wine.

Really? Now?

You know, honey, I think you're getting a little too uptight about this.


It's hard to breathe.

Oh, you're fine.

What'd you do to him?

He's turning blue.

Yeah, but his clothes will stay white.

We're home!

Oh, thank God!

Alex: Hello!

Manny, let's go change.



There's my beautiful wife.

I know you're mad at me, and I know this foam finger can't make up for everything...

Honey, you just go change, and we'll talk about what you did later.

Okay. Hey...

Thank you so much for those tickets.

Gloria tells me you had a real good time.

Not really.

No, I didn't.

God, I love your daughter.


Ohh! I should...

I should come by and kiss that step... fix that step.

[Door opens]

Ugh, you're acting like I wanted to destroy the house.

No, I just think it's odd that the majority of things you destroyed were sent to us by my mom.

Oh, okay, okay, okay, so while I'm fighting off that filthy creature, I actually stop and say, "oh, you know what?

Here's the opportunity I've always been looking for "to destroy our kitschiest objects."


Oh, she's gonna love that.

You know, if you would have just come with me to the wedding, none of this would have happened.

Okay, so you are angry.

Mitchell, I get it.

You're terrified of small talk...And birds.

You're just lucky that pigeon didn't want to chat you up about the weather.

Hello, Jay.

Jay: Hello, guys.

Claire: Oh, God!

Oh, you look like the guy from "dance fever"!

Thank you.

Deney Terrio.

Cleveland, Ohio.

Dad, really.

That is not a compliment.

That's why I wanted you to try those on earlier.

Turn around.

The picture can't happen today.

My pimple's getting worse.

Oh, honey, I am so sorry.

Can you stand?


Well, then, the picture's happening.

It's all anybody's gonna see!

I wouldn't be so sure about that.

Did you get a look at her dress?


Why would I look at her dress?

I love you!

Photographer: Uh, Mrs. Dunphy.

The sun is setting.

Oh, okay, yeah, this is happening.

Everybody, come on, let's go.

Hold it.

Be careful.

I stained some furniture out there this afternoon.

Of course you did, dad.

Anything else I need to know about?

Maybe the neighbors on either side are having a paintball fight.

Now, watch this.

Dad, in his infinite wisdom, stained furniture today.

Don't touch it.

It's wet.

Hurry, hurry!

Put that down, sweetheart.

Okay, okay, we got it.

Now we're gonna go out here. We're ready.

Oh, my God!

Are you kidding me?!

Gloria: Ay.

Jay: All right, how do you... how do you turn the sprinklers off?

Ay, of course, because I'm latina, I'm supposed to know everything about gardening and sprinklers!

You were here when they installed it!

Ay, yeah. Ay...

The box is across the yard.

Claire: You mean the now-soaking-wet yard?

That's great.

We are screwed.

No, we're not.

We haven't unwrapped our secret weapon yet.

Luke walks over there, "hurt locker"-style, flips the switch, and boom!... or, not boom... water off.

Put the "he" in "hero," son.

Claire: Oh.


"Hurt locker."

It's... it's more like "squirt locker."


That wasn't funny?

I actually pity you guys.


[Sprinklers shut off]

[Cheers and applause]

No! No time to celebrate!

Stop it!

We don't have a lot of time.

All right, everybody, if I can have the little ones out front...

You know what, sir?

If you don't mind...

I've got this.

Come on, people.

Let's get out here.

Haley, Alex, I need you to unwrap your brother, all right?

I need the Dunphys over on this side.

Dad, you're in the middle.

Mitchell, Cam, Lily on this end.

[Sighing] Okay.



I know I screwed up, but if ever you're in my arms again...

Phil, not now.

Yes, now!

I don't want to look at this picture when I'm 80 years old and you're long dead and know that you were angry at me when we took it!

Phil, we'll talk about what you did later.

Okay, everybody.

Eyes over here.

I didn't do anything.

She kissed me.


[camera shutter clicks]

Who kissed you?



It was the kiss-cam.

Why did you kiss Cam?

No, I kissed Phil.

He told me I had to.

No. No. Okay.

Hang on a second.

Was this before or after you ignored the phone call from your wife?

You saw that, too?!


Could we please just take the damn picture?!

Okay, everybody, one more time.

Just so you know, I am angry with you.

I knew it!

Oh, damn it!

It was a big day for me, and he didn't to go because he doesn't like small talk!

Would it be terribly inconvenient to just postpone this hissy fit for a few minutes?

Okay, you know what?!

Maybe some of us don't want to take a picture today!

Thank you!

Cam: Yeah, and, please, Claire, don't try to make Mitchell do something he doesn't want to do.

Oh, shut up, Cam!

[Imitates wings fluttering]

Okay, stop it!

Stop it!


Listen, this took me forever to put together, so I don't really care who kissed who and who's got a pimple on her head, and who is wearing an outrageously inappropriate dress!

We are gonna get together and act like a normal family for 1/10 of a freaking second, and we're gonna do it right now.

Come on, let's go.

Get your hands off or me!

No. No, make me.

Make me. Make me.

Jay: Oh, this is ridiculous!

You're both uptight about everything!

You didn't want to go to a wedding with him because you didn't want to make small talk?

That's how I met Gloria.

Do you remember the first thing I said to you?


"I like chocolate, I like fruit, but not together."

You couldn't come up with that, Ivy League?

And you... you would be a lot happier if you weren't so obsessed with everything being perfect.

Look at us here all in white.

What are we, a cricket team?

News flash... life is not perfect, Claire.

Now, calm the hell down!

Okay, dad, that's great.

And that's really easy for you to say, but do you think I like being like this?

No, I don't.

So if you have some quick and easy fix, why don't you just give it to me right now?


Oh! Oh!

Oh! Jay! Oh!

Oh, my God!

I... I got this, baby.

No! What are...


Why did you do that?

Two people are dirty!

Well, three.

[Gasps] Okay, you know what?

That's for "kitschy."

Mud fight!

[Girls screaming]

Claire: No.

Oh! Oh!

Don't do that!

[All screaming]



[Laughing and screaming]

Haley, stop it!

Luke: No!

Excuse me!

[Laughter fades]

Are we still doing this?


No, we're not.


Now we are.

Gloria: Ready!

Phil: Whoo-hoo!

Aah! [giggles]

Say "cheese."

Say "cheese!"

Jay: Back in '68, when I was sweeping up hair in that barber shop, I had this mental picture of the family that, if I was lucky enough, one day I would end up with... perfect wife, perfect kids.

Guess what.

I didn't get any of that.

Wound up with this sorry bunch.

And I'm thankful for that every day.

Well, most days.

I think I'm just gonna go with the Elvis stuff.

Yeah, I would.

To the right...to the right...

And a skosh to the left.

There we go.

[Inhales sharply] Whatever.

I'm gonna have to take the picture down when I repaint the wall anyhow.

Kill me now.


Don't know how...

I got so lucky.


I love you.

I love that picture.


Is that a chip on the frame right there?

No. No.

I can see it.