02x09 - Mother Tucker

[bunniefuu]

So the rate of diffusion equals something... times the square root of... something...

I give up.

Aw, so close.

Shut up.

Hey, don't worry. You'll get it.

You know, a lot of famous scientists are women.

They're fat, though, right?

Come on, Alex. It's time for your cello lesson.

How's the tutoring going?

Are you familiar with the term "throwing good money after bad"?

Are you familiar with the term "Dunphy, party of one"?

Because you will be.

Girls.

Haley's coming along really well, Mrs. Dunphy.

Good. Good.

Well, the key is to take a lot of little breaks so you don't get frustrated and want to quit.

Got it.

I was talking to David.

Come on, sweetie.

I'm just saying...

She's never gonna get a job, and how do we know the right middle-eastern businessman wouldn't treat her great?

I left my shopping list inside.

For the record, we thought she could live with you.

Like I'm gonna tell any of you where I live.

Oh.

Haley!

What?

We only do this when I get one right.

Momma should be here by now.

I wonder what's keeping her.

Well, Cam, that depends.

Did she take her jalopy or one of them new fancy flyin' machines?

You know, Missouri is more cosmopolitan than you give it credit for, Mitchell.

It's got a very vibrant cowboy-poetry scene.

I'm not sure you're making the point that you think...

That's her. Come on.

Look alive. Look alive.

Momma!

Oh, my baby!

Oh, my little bomber.

Puppy kiss.

Mwah! Mwah!

Mitchell, get over here!

Aah, hey, Barb!

Oh, my baby's baby!

How are you?

Ohh! Oh-ho!

Oh, yeah!

Well, I don't want to overstate this, but my mom is the greatest woman that ever lived.

Cam loves his mom.

She raised 4 kids, 2 barns, and a whole lot of hell.

Well, that sounds like a country song.

And that song would be called "The greatest woman that ever lived."

Cam loves his mom.

From the minute I met Barb, she has been open and loving and... and caring.

Oh, I have missed these shoulders!

Ooh... Aah...

If I had one complaint... and I do...

It's the inappropriate putting of her hands on my body.

Hey, Barb.

I got you the cranberries you wanted for the stuffing.

Oh, bless your heart.

Mmm-mm-hmm!

Mm-mm-mmm!

Let me get in there and help ya.

Ohh! Ohh!

Ohh!

And a horsey bite.

Oh!

This is how I like to cuddle.

It's been... it's been going on a long time.

Jay, you want to go to the mall with me?

No, actually, my stomach's a little funny today.

Oh, I am so sorry, papi.

Maybe we'll stop first at the crib store, and you lay down, and I buy you a little dress, huh?

Gloria thinks Americans are babies.

Well, in Colombia, we couldn't go running to the hospital for every little sniffle or dislocated shoulder.

Okay. Good.

5-6. I serve. Huh?

Jay, what are your symptoms?

Nausea, bloating?

Manny, what did I say about getting off that crazy doctor website?

I'm just worried about Jay.

Stomach pains can mean a lot of things...

Intestinal blockage...

Do you have a fever?

Stop it!

Manny, he's fine.

Tell him you're fine. I'm fine.

Okay, good. Get in the car.

Uh, home fine, not mall fine.

Jay, you know what happens when I shop angry.

I'll clear a space.

Mmm.

I'm not loving your color.

Go play.

Don't be a hero.

So, dumb guys go for dumb girls, and smart guys go for dumb girls?

What do the smart girls get?

Cats mostly.

So, Haley, how long have I been paying this guy to make out with you?

Uh, about a week.

First it was just to shut him up, but now I'm starting to like him.

If you really like him, though, you have to break up with Dylan.

What? No!

Believe me...

And it's best for everybody if you just do it quickly.

I can't believe we're having this conversation.

He's like part of the family.

Trust me... it's the right thing to do.

Just end it.

Okay, but be gentle.

Boys are surprisingly sensitive at that age.

Water-polo-girl story.

Yes, I'm gonna tell the water-polo-girl story, 'cause it hurt!

Okay, so I'm working in the principal's office.

She walks in, hair all silver from the chlorine... tells me she wants her varsity jacket back.

I tear up a little, then I tear up a lot.

I'm begging, I'm begging...

At some point I realize I'm sitting on the button to the high-school intercom system.

Yuk it up, ladies.

Wasn't funny then, is not funny now.

It was traumatic, Haley.

Don't do Dylan like Linda "the cannon" did me.

Oh, honey...

That was a long time ago.

I loved her.

Okay. I know.

You know what?

Maybe I'll call Dylan after he talks to Haley.

He's gonna need someone to lean on.

But that someone should not be his ex-girlfriend's father.

Honey, when Dylan is out of her life, he should be out of ours.

You've always hated Dylan.

I have not always hated Dylan.

I have always thought that Haley could do better.

Plus, the new boyfriend is super smart.

It's done. We broke up.

What?!

I texted Dylan. It's over.

I'll bet that's him.

Yep.

Sad-face emoticon!

You can feel the hurt through the phone!

Cam's mom spent half her dinner with her hands all over me.

Oh.

It was like she was blind and wanted to know what my thighs looked like.

Are you sure?

I mean, are you really the best judge of this kind of a thing?

You've had boundary issues since you were a kid.

I have not!

Okay. Sorry. My mistake.

Must be Cam's mom... her issues.

What are you doing?

Nothing... just gettinga spoon.

Stop it.

Is it bothering you?

Yes, it is.

Hey, Mitchell...

Claire, stop it! Stop it!

Mitchell, Mitchell, Mitchell, Mitchell...

Force field!

That never stops being fun.

Good.

Listen, this is... this is not in my head, Claire.

Mm-Hmm.

And it's actually getting worse.

What does Cam say?

Well, he never seems to notice.

And I certainly can't talk to him about it because God forbid I say anything negative about his mom.

Mm.

One time I added salt to her casserole Mmm-Hmm. and he went into the garage and punched the car.

Okay, Mitchell, if this is happening... and I'm pretty sure it isn't...

Thank you. Supportive.

Then you need Cam to see his mom feeling you up and then make Cam deal with it.

Ew.

Think about it.

Hi, Dylan.

Hey, Mrs. Dunphy.

Mm.

Or, I guess, now that Haley and I broke up, I should call you "Claire."

Actually, I think we're gonna stick with "Mrs. Dunphy".

Come on in. How are you doing?

Not so good. Hmm.

I mean, everywhere I look, I see her face.

Uhh.

To be fair, Dylan, that is a family portrait.

I got to go get some of my stuff.

Is that cool?

Oh, sure. Yeah.

There she is again!

Oh, don't look on the bookshelf!

You're just gonna...

Hey, kid, you got a minute?

I need the name of that medical website.

Can this wait until I'm home?

I'm having the round of my life.

I've been thinking, I might have a couple of those, uh, those simptoms you were talking about.

Oh, I see.

You might as well play through.

It's gonna be a while.

I mean, I'm probably wrong, but, you know, I just, uh, want to make sure.

Is that Manny?

Work.

So, uh, tell them I'll...

I'll get that order out this afternoon, huh?

Did she buy that?

Because it sounded fake on this end.

I'll talk to you later, Tom.

Tom.

Mm.

Dylan!

Oh, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan.

Hey, Mr. Dunphy.

Hey, now that you guys are broken up, you can call me whatever you want.

Phil, Vitamin P., P. Daddy.

Okay, Phil.

Okay.

I'm gonna miss that bad boy.

When I forget my own axe, sometimes I come in here and noodle on it.

Actually, I've been writing a little song of my own.

Might be able to pluck out a few...

You know, I keep on hoping that this is just a dream, that Haley and I didn't really break up.

But it's not a dream...

Unless the whole thing was a dream and we never even dated in the first place.

Weird... this is kind of what my song's about.

Yeah. Weird.

Hey...

I know this is tough, but you're gonna be fine.

You know, I was a lot like you in High School...

Except my hair was shorter and my guitar was a flute.

Well, if you want your own guitar, I mean, we could... we could go out and we'd pick you one.

Oh, I don't... I don't know if that's such a good idea.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Totally.

Well I guess I'll get going.

So...

I can... well, be alone forever.

Uh, what... what the hell?

Yeah!

Let's go guitar shopping.

Awesome.

Uh, do me a favor.

Don't... don't tell Mrs. Dunphy?

Yeah. Definitely. You got it.

Okay. All right.

Well, I guess I'll see ya.

Okay. You...

You, uh, you can go ahead and exit through the... front door.

Oh, right. Habit.

My old yearbooks!

You know I saved them all.

Oh! Ho ho!

Oh, look.

What?

"You're the cutest boy in school.

We're gonna have an awesome summer.

Smooches... Brenda."

Oh, Brenda, you are about to have the most confusing summer of your life.

Hey, guys!

Hey.

Oh, there's Mitchell!

My little corn silk!

Ah.

Oh!

Oh, Barb, oh, you are such a good hugger.

Isn't she the best hugger?

Oh, thank you.

Oh, and look what I...

I got you, Barb.

What's that? Oh...

Scratchers!

Mmm...

Thank you.

Nice.

Oh, that's your tea.

I'm gonna get your tea.

Thanks, honey.

Well, I need a quarter.

Oh. Let me have that.

Oh, wow, yeah, feel free to fish around in there.

Cam? Cam.

I'd like a cup, too, please.

Just a second.

Ohh, Barb, ohh. You know what?

I... I... I strained myself so bad today.

Ohh. Well, what's hurtin' on ya?

It's this area between my, uh, lower back and upper thigh.

Sounds like your fanny.

It's my fanny.

It's really knotted up.

Well, you need someone to work on that.

Ohh, I would love that.

Just... it's really seized up.

Just put your fingers all over my... my fanny.

Your magic fingers... Barb.

Momma? Your tea.

Mitchell?

Thanks, sweetie.

See you in the room for a minute?

Thank you. It's very hot.

Don't burn your tongue.

All right, honey.

Okay, I am not gonna cry, but I want to know why, Mitchell, why you are presenting to my mother like a baboon.

I wanted you to see her fondling me.

So, you do want me to cry.

No, no, Cam, it's just that... she's always touching me inappropriately, and you never seem to notice.

Show me, Mitchell.

Show me on Lily's doll where my mother is touching you.

I know that you don't want to hear this, but she's handsy, and it makes me uncomfortable.

Oh, my God. I know what this is.

You're just not used to having a mother that shows affection.

Oh, do not make this about my mother.

I didn't.

But it is normal for a mother to be physical.

And it is not strange for an occasional hug or a little pat on fanny.

Okay, these aren't pats, Cam... no.

She squeezes and lingers!

Show me where she squeezes and lingers.

Cam, put the doll down.

I don't know if this is just sexual or... or crazy town, but your mother cannot keep her hands off of me, and it's creeping me out.

No. Oh...

Barb...

Let me show you where you stabbed my momma.

Thanks for helping me pick out my axe.

You were so right, by the way.

The one with two necks would have been overkill.

If you want, you can have some of that.

Diet starts tomorrow!

Don't tell Mrs. Dunphy about this, either.

I, uh, I always wanted to go to this place with Haley, but she said it looked stupid.

She's a girl with wrong opinions...

Like her mother.

Claire hates this new sweatshirt I bought.

She says it looks like something a girl would wear to the beach.

Yeah, it does.

But I wear it anyway.

See?

I figure, why be alive if you can't do the things you're passionate about?

What are you passionate about, Dylan?

Uh, I always wanted to drive to Graceland.

Fun! What else?

I know a guy who can get me a pet bobcat.

Yeah! No, you don't really know what they're gonna do.

The point is, you got your whole life ahead of you.

Enjoy being single.

I really got to play that song for you.

This is all in there.

Yeah.

Awesome. Be right back.

Hey, hey, come here.

Is that guy over there with someone?

Uh-huh.

Could you tell if there was anything going on between them?

I don't know.

They were talking about taking a trip to Graceland together.

He just wants to go 'cause he thinks it's an amusement park!

I got to tell you, this is looking more and more like diverticulitis.

Do they say how to treat it?

Like a heating pad or...

Ohh!... There it is again.

Well, describe the pain.

It's like I'm being stabbed, but also like I ate a bad scallop that's stabbing me from the inside.

That's colorful, but there's no box for that.

What are you guys looking at?

Girls!

Huffington post... girls.

Manny, let me see that screen.

What did I tell you?

It's not his fault.

I asked him to look.

I'm starting to think I have a serious problem here.

Yes, you do! That computer!

You read it there, you think it here, you feel it here.

You want to feel better?

There... you're cured.

Give me 15 minutes, then tell Florence Nightingale I went to the hospital.

I'm gonna k*ll her!

I'm gonna k*ll him!

I'm gonna k*ll both of them!

What happened?

Dylan has a new girlfriend!

When did that happen?

Who cares?

I'm just surprised he didn't say anything...

To you.

He's not answering my texts.

How could he do this to me?!

Oh, honey, you were the one who broke up with him.

I didn't think he was gonna find someone so fast!

Maybe he's better than I thought.

No, he's not.

What? No, he's not better!

No, you know who's better?

David... David the tutor.

Smart, smart David?

Maybe that's him right now!

Do you want the house to yourself?

For just a little while.

I got your texts.

You swore a lot.

Who is she?

Who is who?

Your new girlfriend.

I need her name and address, so I can mess her up.

I don't have a new girlfriend.

Don't play dumb, Dylan.

I'm not. I'm never playing dumb!

I saw you at that stupid restaurant, sharing a sundae with her ugly sweatshirt on the chair.

Oh, is that the skank?

No... no, there's... there's no skank.

Well, then why aren't you answering it?

'Cause I want to talk to you.

Well, I want to talk to her.

I'm gonna call her back and tell her to keep her hands off of what belongs to me.

Haley...

Hello.

Dad?

Haley?

Oh... my... God...

The sweatshirt?

That was you with Dylan?!

Wait, you're the other girl?

No, we're just friends!

Phil, what are you...

Shh!

Okay, put the phone down.

What is going on?

He needed someone to talk to.

He took the break-up pretty hard.

But...

You did?

Ohh...

Yeah.

I mean, I kept on hoping that we'd get back together.

Thinking of you with someone else just drove me crazy.

Me too, baby.

But then your dad helped me figure out maybe it's best if we're apart.

Nice.

I mean, I think I just need a little time to date... Dylan.

Mm-Hmm.

And I mean me, not another guy named Dylan.

So, we're still broken up?

Yeah, I think so.

Wow. Okay...

Um...

I don't know... I'll see you.

Yeah.

Um...

Bye.

Are you okay, baby?

Do you need another pillow?

I know you think this is nothing, but he did say it could be an ulcer.

He also said it could be gas.

Do you want me to burp you?

Come here. Come here.

Dollars to doughnuts, it's diverticulitis.

Actually, it's not.

Aha!

You have acute pendicitis.

We need to get you into surgery right away.

Emergency surgery.

I told you it was something.

Aha!

That can't be right.

You have to check again!

The tests are conclusive.

Everything will be all right, Mr. Pritchett.

Let's go.

No, Jay, if that's true, then I'm the worst wife in the whole wide world!

I made you suffer for two whole days!

Honey, it's okay.

No, it's not okay!

Why?! Why do I always almost k*ll my husbands?!

And I want to hear this story sometime, but I'm sort of counting down to a rupture here!

No!! You can't go without forgiving me!

What if you die in there?

What do I do without you?!

I forgive you, but nobody dies of an appendectomy!

True, it's usually the anesthesia that gets you.

You're over 60, right?

I will never forget you, Jay!!

Could you go back to not caring, please?!

Mitchell, it's Barb.

Ohh, Barb. I'm so sorry.

Well, no, no, honey, you hush.

Look, I...

I've been thinking about what I heard, and... maybe I do touch you too much.

And I could say it's 'cause we're a family, but, you know, I don't know.

I guess I have been having some fun with you, and I... I thought that it was harmless, but I would never want to make you uncomfortable.

Barb, it's my fault, too.

So we're okay?

Yes, yes, of course.

Thank God.

'Cause I couldn't live with myself if things stayed weird between us.

Uh, Cam?

What is it?

Well, we got it all worked out, sweetie!

Oh, great. Let me get my camera!

Okay, that's not necessary... no!

From now on, if I go too far, please, you just tell me about it.

Okay.

What is that? Oh... ohh!

Almost lost my bracelet.

That would be an area that's okay.

No!

Oh, dang it!

I'll get it. I'll get it.

Oh, no, I saw where it fell.

Force field! Force field!

What's going on?

I lost my bracelet in here.

Momma!

Listen, I think this might be one of those situations where Mitchell feels like you're crossing a boundary.

Really?

Yeah.

Like, this too?

Yeah.

Well...

I... I got to have a good long think about how I conduct myself.

I'm truly sorry, Mitchell.

It's okay! It's okay.

Well, let's take one quick picture, and we'll get out of his way.

Yeah. Absolutely.

Scooch together there.

This all right?

Okay.

Hey.

I miss him.

Yeah.

He was your first real boyfriend.

I keep expecting him to show up.

He used to come by at night, and I'd sneak out to see him.

Yeah, I know.

You knew?

His car is 30 years old and doesn't have a muffler.

And he honked.

I loved that car.

I rode in it to the guitar store.

I felt like I was flying.

I know it hurts now, sweetheart, but... that's how you know it was a relationship worth having.

Oh.

Thanks, dad.

So Dylan, you're loving Graceland?

Yeah, that's true.

Probably would be cooler if they had roller coasters.

Still, it's fun to see where the King lived, huh?

No. No, no, no.

That's just an expression.

America doesn't have a king.

Yeah.

Oh, sure.

Uh-huh.

When?

Well, that's not always the case.

Huh?

So, Dylan, did you get a chance to listen to that song I sent you?

No?

You got seven minutes?