05x23 - The Wedding (Part 1)

[bunniefuu]

Good morning, almost husband.

Good morning, almost... oh, no! No!

Oh! Oh!

Pepper: Oh, calm down.

This can't be the first time you've woken up with other men in your bedroom.

Happy wedding day!

(Laughs)

What are you doing here?

You pay for a full-service wedding, you get our full packages.

Ohh.

Close, honey. So close.

And we're crossing.

We're crossing.

And trays down.

And trays down.

Napkins.

Relax. Enjoy.

The car will pick you up at 4:00 to whisk you away to your beautiful hilltop wedding.

How's the weather?

I had a dream it rained on everyone.

Dry as a bone.

The only thing it will be raining tonight is men.

We really need it.

Mm.

Has anyone heard from Sal?

No.

And I will never understand why you asked that boozy us-hag to officiate your wedding.

We didn't exactly ask Sal.

Sal...

Mm-hmm.

We have something very important to talk to you about.

Yeah, we hope that maybe you would be open to the idea...

Yes! I will totally officiate your wedding!

Oh, my drinks!

(Laughs)

It was supposed to be an intervention.

♪

(Cellphone rings)

Hey, best man.

Hello, blushing bride.

I feel like I should hate that more.

Yeah, I think I might go with "best person."

Anyway, I'm just calling to see how you're doing.

I'm great.

Really?

I-I... is this about mom again?

I told you... I'm fine.

My mother can't come to the wedding.

She was at a yoga retreat, and she fell out of a warrior pose, and she broke her hip.

Should we consider the possibility that someone pushed her?

Cam, please.

They were a bunch of peace-loving hippies who spent two weeks in the rainforest with my mother.

Of course someone pushed her.

I'm actually relieved she's not coming.

She has given me the gift of a crazy-free wedding.

I know. I was just a little sad for you.

Mom's a no-show, and you and dad are hardly even speaking.

Enough about dad.

He doesn't get gay weddings, and I don't get track suits as casualwear.

Can we please talk about something happy, like my honeymoon in Mexico?

Oh, yeah, you're gonna want to take a look at the weather channel.

Hilarious. Love you.

Love you, too. (Cellphone beeps)

You're gonna get the gift today, right?

Don't we have a year to do that?

No, I have a husband to do that.

They fell in love with this very specific turquoise ltalian glass bowl.

I looked everywhere, finally found one, and we're not going to that wedding without it.

Wait. I-I thought you were taking me to the eye doctor.

They said I'm not supposed to drive myself home.

No, no, no, no.

I'm picking up Luke from his wilderness trip.

Alex can take you.

That's a bummer.

Aww, dad, I'm touched.

No, not because of you. I'd just rather pick up Luke.

Than go to the eye doctor.

I-I love spending time with you.

Don't worry... you're fun.

Wow.

My dad would never admit this, but when he wants fun he goes straight to Luke.

They have a weird connection.

They're like Batman and Robin.

Dad and I are more like Batman and Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Honey, don't be like that.

You're super fun!

You sure I can't get Luke?

Alex: I heard that!

Let's do this!

(Telephone rings)

Hello.

Hey, mom. Gloria wants to know if she can do your hair and makeup last after me and Cam's mom.

It's fine.

Something about Luke ...I've lost interest.

Okay, love you. Bye!

Damn, this is the best cup of coffee I ever had.

Manny roasts his own beans every Friday night.

That kid's gonna be roasting his own beans for a long time, if you know what I mean.

(Chuckles)

Can I just say thank you again for letting us stay here?

You have thanked us enough with that big bag of deer meat.

Aww.

Hey, mom.

Can you see this?

What pimple?

(Sighs) I knew it.

I can't go looking like this.

Weddings are where you meet girls.

Not at this one.

Well, we better be going.

Yeah.

Have a great spa day.

Men don't have spa days.

We're just going to the club, taking a steam, having a couple of rubdowns.

Merle: Hey.

Do they serve cucumber water at that place?

Sometimes they do a strawberry-basil mix.

Ah.

(Chuckles)

Merle?

Yes, ma'am?

Be back in time for me to do your tie.

Uh, yes, ma'am.

(Sighs) I'm so sorry you had to see that.

(Door closes) See what?

The way we just snapped at each other.

Are you joking?

Obviously, Merle and I are going through a heck of a rough patch.

If I talked to Jay that nice, he would think I'm cheating on him.

(Door opens) Mrs. P.

(Door closes) My darn taxi never came.

I'm gonna miss my flight.

No.

I just... (Groans)

I don't want to deal with this right now.

(Sighs) 'Cause I'm already so scared of flying.

I just hate everything about it.

Except for the food.

I don't understand how they get such bold flavors out of that tiny kitchen.

Haley, can you drive Andy to the airport, please?

She doesn't want to do that.

Aww, you get me.

Haley.

I don't have a car. I got dropped off.

I guess we can take my car.

That's settled. Go.

Fine.

Okay.

We really need to hurry.

Relax. We'll get there.

You just worry about being strapped in a giant metal tube 30,000 feet in the air.

That's right. I heard.

Hey.

What?

I just thought of something.

What's going on with my hair today?

Daddy's going to do it up really pretty with flowers.

Not you, right?

No, other daddy.

Oh, thank God.

Mitchell, this is not my tuxedo!

They gave me the wrong order!

And the fuchsia gown didn't tip you off?

I have like nine shirts this color.

I'm wearing a shirt this color.

Okay, deep breaths. Deep breaths.

(Breathing shallowly)

We have plenty of time to go to the dry-cleaner.

We knew that there would be a bump today, and here it is. We're getting it done early.

This is our bump.

Oh! Oh!

Okay. Okay. So, this is our bump.

(Sighs)

I can't handle this.

We're getting married in five hours.

I don't have my perfectly tailored tux.

I can't just go buy something off the rack.

I'm not Cindy Crawford.

Why a woman?

I'm just wondering.

What are we gonna do?

We could eat.

We just need to get in touch with the owner.

Y-you, uh, you know his name, right?

It's... Aziz something?

Oh, oh.

It's... it's... uh, no, it's a-Amir.

It's... it's not Amir, no.

Oh, no, it's, uh, Ahmad.

It's Achmed.

No. Oh, it's on the ticket.

Now I'm just feeling r*cist.

What is it?

Here it is.

It's... Jerry.

J... oh, Jerry.

Amari.

Jerry Amari.

There you go.

Can you see better in here?

A little, but those drops are really hanging on.

I'm like Han Solo right when he came out of the carbonite.

Really? Nothing?

I get it. It's "Star Trek."

You're breaking my heart.

Save it for Luke. He'll love that.

Can we just get the gift and get out of here?

Right, but first things first.

Let's put on some funny hats, act like they're not there, and then walk around all serious.

What's the point of this?

That's good. You're nailing it.

(Cellphone rings)

Hey, honey.

How was the eye exam?

Great.

I can barely see.

I'm wearing giant sunglasses and a girly hat.

Alex and I are having a blast.

But you got the gift, right?

That's what people tell me.

Honey, the bowl.

I have the bowl.

It's beautiful.

I'll... I'll see you at home.

Hey, here's a thought...

Now that you told mom you got the bowl, how about we actually go get it?

Yes, no more fooling around.

Let's go get the bowl.

Oh, right after we find out our sleep number.

Ow!

There's my guy.

I thought dad was picking me up.

Oh. I missed you, too.

Come here.

Aww.

So, did you have fun?

Yeah.

What was your favorite thing?

I don't remember.

It was yesterday.

Hot dogs. Can we go now?

Honey, I feel bad that you have to leave early.

What are you missing today?

Boating.

Well, I mean, we have a little time.

You don't mind waiting in the car?

(Breathes deeply)

(Sighs)

So, Cam tells me you and Mitch had a little dust-up.

Yeah.

A couple of weeks ago.

That kid can hold a grudge.

A little uncomfortable about that wedding, are you?

Well, you know what I'm feeling, right?

(Laughs)

I'd like to think I've evolved on the subject.

We got a couple of lesbo swans in the pond.

They seem pretty happy.

(Sighs) Hey, Jay.

Hey, Howard, Larry.

This is my, uh...

This is my friend Merle and he's visiting from Missouri.

Ooh, the "show me" state.

Don't say that in here!

(Laughter)

So, what brings you to town, Merle?

Well, uh, my... our...

Jay's and my... kids are getting married today.

Howard: Congratulations.

Isn't that nice?

Father of the bride, father of the groom taking a steam together the day of the wedding.

Yeah, something like that.

The day my son got married... piece of cake.

But the day I lost my little girl...

Ohh, that wrecked me.

So, which one of you has to suffer through that today?

You know what? It's too hot in here.

Yeah. Let's go.

Mm-hmm. Real evolved.

Your swans would be ashamed.

Well, I guess I first noticed it after Pameron moved out, and Merle and I just started sniping at each other.

Yeah, like that bloodbath this morning?

Ohh. Again, I am so sorry.

But Merle is not the type you can talk to about things.

I mean, the man's had a toothpick in his mouth our whole marriage, and I can't say a word.

No, you can't sit on your feelings.

You will explode!

I have, like, 10 little explosions every day, so I don't have the big one.

The women in my family...

Sometimes, they sh**t their husbands.

Well, we've had 48... good years.

I... guess we're just gonna run out the clock.

No!

You're still...

You have...

That is bad attitude!

You have to tell Merle what is bothering you.

Oh, he doesn't want to hear all that.

He gets all closed off and [Deep voice] macho.

(Giggling)

You're ticklin' my piggies.

You get used to that.

(Chuckles)

It's a shame Mitchell's mother couldn't make it to the wedding.

For who?

Mm, things still rough between the two of you?

Merle, things have always been rough.

That woman never stopped complaining.

Finding the strength to leave Dede was the hardest thing I ever did, but the best decision I ever made.

Well, you sure made a score with that Gloria.

Wow.

Big-time.

(Chuckles)

I bet you landed her before she got a gander at those hooves of yours.

(Both chuckle)

You're welcome, by the way.

So, what are you gonna do in Utah?

Well, me and my girlfriend haven't seen each other in a while, so we're gonna be like a couple of bunny rabbits.

Wow.

Just hopping all over town.

Oh.

Is this her?

Yep, that's my Beth.

Huh. She's pretty.

(Scoffs) Yeah.

She's the most beautiful creature, inside and out.

I'm just the luckiest guy ever to get to love her.

Okay, she may be real, but no way you are.

Who talks like that?

You know, I hate when you say things like that because you are funny, and you are pretty, and you are smart in an original way, so why shouldn't a guy feel lucky to love you?

Shut up. Be normal.

(Cellphone buzzes)

Hey, my phone just buzzed.

Can you read it?

I don't want to put our lives at risk.

It's, uh, it's from the airline.

Your flight's delayed three hours.

Three hours?!

Yeah.

Ohh! Jinkies!

I guess we can just drop me off at a coffee shop, and I can take a cab from there.

Okay.

Actually, I really need to wake up.

Maybe I'll grab a coffee with you, if you don't mind.

Please.

The more I talk to people, the less I imagine plummeting to my death in a fiery spiral of screaming and crying.

Pretty dark for someone who just said "jinkies."

Well, I guess we have different definitions of "emergency," then.

You know, I'm just gonna say it...

911 dispatchers have a little bit of attitude.

Well, you requested a S.W.A.T. Team.

Is anybody else hungry? (Sighs)

Mitchell! Mitchell!

Look at this.

Do you think you could fit in there?

(Laughing) I'm not doing that.

Then what am I gonna wear to our wedding...

My black funeral suit?

Is that the tone you want to set?

You wore it to one funeral.

(Sighs) And you didn't even know Bea Arthur.

I felt like I did.

I know.

(Cellphone rings) Oh.

It's Pepper. He'll know what to do.

Yes.

(Sighs) Pepper. Disaster.

It's not a disaster. It's just a wildfire.

And it's most certainly not going to burn down your wedding.

What?!

What?

There's a wildfire near the venue.

No!

Yes, but it's fine.

Ronaldo is going to text-blast the guest list, tell them the wedding is being moved from 5:00 to 1:00.

(Gasps) Oh, my God!

Don't panic.

Would somebody please turn off that wretched waterfall?!

k*ll the waterfall immediately!

(Sighs)

The fire is already 28% contained.

That doesn't sound like a lot.

Just get dressed and look pretty.

I'm going to send the car for you in one hour.

Have you lost your mind?!

Go! You disgust me!

Go!

(Grunts)

Okay.

Now what are we gonna do?

No, I guess maybe...

No, th... cam, there's no way I could fit through there.

(Sighs) You two exhaust me.

What?

We have to be there in an hour!

I can't go like this!

Look at me!

I hate you.

Prepare yourself for the best burger of your life.

(Cellphone chimes)

We got to go.

Uh-oh. (Sighs)

Maybe we should try on more hats.

Do you think we have time?

(Grunts) It's not working!

And there's no oar?

We are literally up a creek without a paddle?

Okay, Lily, Lily!

Okay, you're gonna press the green button to start it, and then you're gonna look for number 9-1-3.

And then, when you see it go by, you press the red button to stop it, okay?

Okay.

Oh, I'm so glad you're here.

I get us into these situations, and I freak, and then you always fix the problem.

Well, now, we each have our own gifts.

It's just it's easier for me to stay calm in the face of...

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, oh!

Lily, daddy's coming for you!

Oh, my God!

Okay, now, Lily, press the red button!

I'm breaking the window!

Put that down!

Thank God you're here.

Are you breaking into my store?

Uh, no.

Why would you even say that?

My alarm went off.

Oh, well, okay, that is a coincidence because his tuxedo is in there, and we're getting married in an hour.

(Sighs)

You are totally saving us.

You know, I freak out at situations like this, which forces him to fix the problem, you know?

I'm over here, freaking out, while he's somewhere else, fixing the problem.

Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry.

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

(Sighs) Oh! Oh.

Well, maybe that's a good thing, you know...

The yin, the yang?

Yeah, whatever, Jerry.

Where'd she come from?

Oh, oh, because she doesn't look like us?

That's offensive.

Oh, Jerry.

Oh, Jerry.

What are we going to do?

I know how to get up there.

I'm blind. Follow me.

Oh, I'm not doing that.

Alex!

(Stick clacking)

Excuse me, could someone help me to find the back of the line?

Oh, no, no. It's okay. Oh.

Go right ahead. Are you sure?

Mm-hmm.

Can I help you?

Yes, picking up for Dunphy.

It's on hold, I believe.

Beautiful day, huh? I was told.

Here we go.

(Sighs) Credit card?

Uh, just to be sure...

That is turquoise, right?

Because my wife said it also comes in emerald.

Yes. Sir, it's a very long line.

Mm. Okay.

Um, can I have it for one second?

Thank you.

Yep, that doesn't feel like turquoise.

You can feel color?

You gotta be kidding me.

When you lose one sense, all your other senses become heightened.

That's why you sound so loud and judge-y to me.

My mistake, sir.

I'll be right back.

Okay.

(Stomping loudly)

Here it is.

Hey, he's messing with the blind guy.

Thank you... wherever you are.

I don't think he's really blind.

Excuse me.

My father suffered methanol poisoning on a humanitarian mission in Honduras, resulting in permanent neurological dysfunction and irreversible blindness.

It's been hard enough on our family wit people like you making it worse.

If he feels it's not the bowl, it's not the bowl.

I'm so sorry.

I'll check on the turquoise.

Okay, that was kind of fun.

I'm winking at you right now.

(Chuckles)

Ohh, this is not working.

We are never gonna get there on time, and I am the best person.

Oh, God! Oh!

I think just broke a nail on a turtle.

(Sighs) You're the one who wanted to come out here.

Yes, I did, because I wanted to spend some time with my son.

You've... (sighs)

You've been pushing me away so much lately, and I don't want you to grow up to be the kind of kid who doesn't care if his mom shows up at his wedding.

What are you talking about?

Nana isn't coming today, and Mitchell's relieved.

Well... I'd be really sad if you missed my wedding.

Really? You promise?

Totally. And so would Kate.

Who's Kate?

Upton. My wife, your daughter-in-law.

Oh. Get on board.

Come on.

Then what has been going on with you recently?

You've been so moody.

I'm sorry, but I'm sick of going to school and hearing teachers say, "You're Alex Dunphy's brother?

Really?" Like I'm an idiot.

Oh, honey, you're not an idiot.

I forgot the paddle even though we just learned the boating checklist yesterday.

Alex would never do that.

And if she did, she'd probably, like... I don't know... use this fishing rod to cast out and hook us on the shore because "I'm so smart."

And then she'd pull us in because everything she does always works.

(Reel clicking) Oh, my God. It's working.

It's working!

Figures. Alex.

(Gasps) Ooh, ooh. Don't move.

The lighting is really cool right now.

What are you doing? Don't smile.

Why? It's my favorite thing.

(Chuckling) No, really, be serious.

Look out the window. Okay.

(Camera shutter clicks)

Look.

Whoa!

That is honestly the best photo anyone's ever taken of me.

Thank you.

You mind if I send a copy to Beth?

Andy, um...

When I read the text about your flight, I saw the text from Beth telling you not to come.

Yeah, she doesn't mean that.

(Chuckles)

She said, "it's over."

That can mean a lot of different things.

(Cellphone buzzes)

Your phone's buzzing again.

Oh, my God. The wedding got moved up.

I have to go.

Andy, are you sure about getting on that plane?

Yeah, yeah. I-I'm fine.

You know, she does this every once in a while.

She just likes the drama.

But I... okay.

Haley, I appreciate your concern ...I really do...

But I've been in this relationship off and on for eight years, so I kind of know what I'm doing, all right?

Thank you for the ride.

(Sighs)

It's a tool of the trade.

The car one says "Toyota."

(Sighs)

(Classical music plays)

Ronaldo: Ah.

I have eyes on the grooms.

I'm three feet behind you.

How's it going? Are people showing up?

It's all under control.

Surprise! Guess who's on time.

Oh, my God!

Sal, wow, you're pregnant.

Congratulations!

Thank you. We're really excited.

You're huge.

Nice teeth.

Uh, so, w-where's Tony?

Oh, beats me.

Haven't spoken to him since the divorce.

Oh. (Chuckles)

Yeah, it's, uh, Eddie. Eddie! Baby! Yeah!

Come here! Come meet the girls!

Eddie.

Sal: This is Eddie. Eddie.

Cam, Mitch, peps, this guy.

Hey. This is Eddie, my baby daddy.

So, why didn't you tell us?

Oh, you know, we just wanted to get through that first trimester before we let the cat out of the bag. Mm-hmm.

When was that... last summer?

So, y-you're... you're how far along now?

About four months. Right, honey?

Mitchell: Four months. Yep. Yeah.

Just about the exact amount of time Eddie and I have been together.

Ronaldo: I don't understand.

Four is this many, yes?

Sí.

Hola, handsome boys. (Laughs)

You two look gorgeous.

Gracias.

Oh, thank you.

Pretty nice, huh? Like a regular wedding.

What?

Good start, Jay.

Barb: Hey, Merle, it's your son's wedding...

Maybe lose the toothpick?

I'm getting tired of this nagging.

I'm leaving you.

What? What?

Not if I leave you first!

No, no, no, you don't mean this!

Oh, don't you feel bad, honey.

You have helped me today.

Thanks for getting me over the hump.

Both: What did you do?

Wow. We're doing this.

Are you ready?

I don't want to wait another minute.

Lily, hit it.

Woman: Aww. That's sweet.

(Classical music continues)

On 3, boys.

1, 2...

Attention! Attention, please!

The fire has jumped the freeway.

I'm really sorry, folks.

I'm gonna have to evacuate everyone immediately.

(Guests murmur, siren wailing)

So, this is our bump.

(Fire engine horn honks)