01x02 - Daddy Daughter Day

What you talking 'bout, Mr. D.?

(Adult Adam) Back in the '80s, these were the dads on TV. They were loving, nurturing, and, quite often, millionaires. (Record needle scratches) Unfortunately, none of these were my father. Now this was my dad, Murray Goldberg, a man who lacked both patience and pants.

Why you gotta be a moron all the time?

(Mouth full) What did I do?

How many times I gotta tell ya?

Don't touch the damn thermostat!

It's like 900 degrees in here!

You don't get that 'cause you're in your underpants all the time.

The A.C. is for emergency use only.

What do you think I'm made of, cold air?

More like hot air.

Oh, that's so damn funny.

That's how I remember my dad... pants-less, pissed off, and far from a millionaire.

Don't touch the damn thermostat!

I mean, really? How many times?!

And then there was my mom, Beverly Goldberg.

She was always there for us, even when she probably shouldn't have been.

(Gasps)

Ah! Ooh!

Mom, you gotta stop watching me sleep.

Well, if you'd let me stare at you during the daytime, we wouldn't have to do this little dance.

I thought I locked the door.

(Laughs) Oh, please.

Get up. (Singsongy) We're going clothes shopping today!

(Clicks tongue)

About that... I... I was thinkin', can I pick out my own outfit for the first day of school?

Okay. What size pants do you wear?

Uh...

3... large?

(Laughs) See? You need me.

Mom, it's the first day of seventh grade.

I wanna look cool.

Well, who is cooler than your mom?

All... the people?

(Laughs)

You have terrible morning breath.

Brush your teeth, get dressed, let's jam.

(Curtain rings swoosh) Mom!

And so I went back-to-school shopping with my mom.

I got new clothes and new nightmares all in one day.

Miss?

Whoa.

I need the next size up in these pants for my little boy.

(Pats leg)

These are too tight in the crotchular region.

She wasn't want you'd call great with boundaries.

In the crotchal region!

I can't send my son to school like this, but I like the pants.

While my mom had a hands-on approach, my dad... not so much.

Don't come in here. I'm watching TV.

Come on. I'm going out. Give me 20 bucks.

No. I need it.

No.

It's for my rap group.

No!

How do you expect Big Tasty to make it if his crew can't cut a demo?

Big Tasty? (Chuckles)

Who is Big Tasty?

It's me! It's my rap name.

Your rap name should be big pain in my ass.

Now get out of here. Go play in the street.

Hey, dad?

What?

Can I have 20 bucks?

No.

Please?

No!

It's for girl stuff.

Buh.

Lately, that's all my dad could say when it came to my sister.

Hey, mom. I need a midol.

Cramps.

Buh.

Ugh.

Buh.

(Gasps) Ugh.

(Whispers) Girl stuff.

You give Erica 20 bucks just 'cause she says "girl stuff"?

My guy stuff has to be worth something.

It's not.

This isn't fair!

God, I wish I was a girl!

Got it.

No. No, that was out of context. Erase it.

Erase it!

Erase! Erase! Erase that! Erase...

Shame on you.

I just sat down. How'd we get shame on me already?

Barry's right.

Ever since Erica grew... (Whispers) boobs...

(Normal voice) You haven't known how to deal with her.

I mean, you don't even yell at her anymore!

Stop it. I yell at her all the time.

Oh, really?

When was the last time you called her a moron?

She knows I think she's a moron. I don't have to say it.

Yes, you do.

She doesn't know unless you tell her.

Well, can't I... just ignore the other kids more?

You are going to have a daddy-daughter day with Erica, like you used to do when she was little.

A whole day?!

I don't even like spending a day with myself.

It's why I nap.

You're doing it, Murray, and you're gonna smile and have fun, damn it.

Fine. I'll do your daddy-daughter thing.

But just know you're overreacting.

I'm quite comfortable with the girl.

Thanks, mom. - Mm-hmm.

That was sitting in with the food?

The whole time.

Throw all the food out.

All of it!

(Man) ♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪
♪ but nonetheless I feel the need to say ♪
♪ I don't know the future ♪
♪ but the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

It was September 8th, 1980-something.

School hadn't started yet, but any chance of me being cool was gone.

Knock knock, kiddo.

(Adam) I'm not coming out.

Mom took me school shopping.

It's bad, pops. Really bad.

Oh, stop. I'm sure you look fine.

(Door creaks)

Holy (Bleep).

I know!

Who puts a train on a sweater?

It doesn't make sense.

I don't even like trains.

The sweater says you do.

Well, the sweater's a lie!

Okay, calm down.

You just need to look on the bright side.

There is no bright side.

It comes with a hat.

(Pants) It comes with a hat!

O... okay. We gotta hit the mall, and fast.

You'll take me shopping?

Absolutely. Okay, off we go.

What about mom? She loves this crap.

Don't worry. I'll handle your mom.

Choo-choo! (Laughs)

Doesn't he look precious?

He sure does!

It's a train! (Chuckles)

(Lowered voice) I'll handle her later.

While pops was saving me from the tradition with my mom, my dad was doing his best to revive his tradition with Erica.

You want a churro?

I'm good.

Ice cream?

Nope.

Cotton candy?

I'm really not hungry.

Nachos.

Am I here as some kind of punishment?

No! No, no, no. We're havin' fun.

Hangin'. Talkin'.

Makin' memories.

Okay.

But after an hour, the only memory they made was my dad getting rough with the claw machine.

Come on. Come to p...

What?!

(Machine beeping)

That unicorn is rigged.

I'm telling you, it's rigged.

Dad, take it easy. It's just a stuffed animal.

No, no, no. You love unicorns.

Daddy's gonna win one for his little peanut.

Come on. Let's do it again. Here we go.

Okay.

All right.

(Clank)

All right. Uh...

(Lowered voice) Let's get somethin' to eat.

Okay, kiddo. Camera is rolling.

Strut your stuff.

Pops, get a close-up of my Z. Cavaricci's.

I wanna remember this outfit for the rest of my life.

Unfortunately, I still do.

What's this?

What's happening on your body?

Good news, Bev!

I took the kid shopping.

Oh, dad, I already bought him clothes.

Honey, this is the seventh grade we're talking about...

The big leagues.

And we need to go for something less adorable and more dangerous.

Trains are plenty dangerous.

Do you remember Marge Grossman's son Trace?

(Scoffs) He got his foot stuck in the track.

Train came by, cut it right off.

If you could get me a sweater of that, then I'd wear it.

Come on, Bev. Let's not make a thing out of this, okay?

Okay.

If this is what makes you happy, then...

I'm happy.

Yeah, I'm happy.

Check out this sweet day-glo.

It glows in the day.

(Chuckles) Wow.

Science.

See, kid? I told ya she'd come around.

(Chuckles)

But Beverly Goldberg does not come around.

I was so blinded by the bright neon, I couldn't see the fire in my mom's eyes.

It was hour two of the worst daddy-daughter day in history, but my old man wasn't ready to give up yet.

Dad, how much longer are we gonna do this?

I mean, we already played pinball and air hockey.

And I got you a slap bracelet.

And I'll cherish it.

But I told Lainey that I would call her, and it's been... ah. Ohh.

I see. I see.

You're afraid that some of the cool kids from school are gonna see ya hanging out with your old man.

Yeah.

Okay, uh, don't take this the wrong way, but no one with a hint of cool would ever set foot on... oh, my God!

(Disco music playing)

That's right, they'd stumbled upon Barry's secret world... A world he wanted no one to know about.


Barry?

Dad! (Squeaking)

Okay.

I know how this looks.

(Laughs) Then you know it's hilarious, right?

You shut your face!

(Laughs)

So now you know.

This is where I go on the weekend.

What happened to your rap club?

It was just my cover.

Okay, you know, you're supposed to cover something embarrassing with something less embarrassing, right?

Your face is embarrassing!

Ha ha ha!

I've been coming here the past two months.

Skating helps me blow off steam, you know?

Roll it out.

(Laughing)

Roll it out? (Laughs)

Go ahead. Go ahead. Keep laughin'.

It doesn't bother me.

That's the great thing about this place.

I get respect.

Yes, from a 9-year-old who just high fived you.

He's almost 11!

(Both laugh)

You know what?

Just roll it out, Barry.

Just roll it out.

Roll it out.

(Laughs)

(Laughs) Roll it out!

Yes!

Your brother's wearing a fanny pack.

Oh, you know what? I will take you up on those nachos now.

(Pats railing) You got it, girl. Let's go.

Finally, my dad had found a way to connect with Erica... by mocking one of his other children.

What about, uh, Lainey?

I thought you had to call her back.

Eh, it's fine.

She's kind of annoying me right now anyway.

You wanna talk about it or something?

Nah. It's girl stuff.

All right. Why not?

Talk to me. I'm all ears.

(Laughs) No.

You'll just freak out.

Me?

Murray Goldberg?

No. Come on. Let's go.

No judgment. I promise.

No judgey-ness.

You sure about that?

No judgey-ness! Let's go.

All right.

Me and Lainey are kind of in a fight.

What'd she do? Uh, copy your homework?

Smile at a boy you like?

She got loaded on peach schnapps and talked all kinds of crap about me.

My dad thought he was ready to handle the girl stuff...

(Whispers) but he wasn't.

Well, it turns out that his van is actually his home, right?

(Scoffs) And his real name isn't Ron Bon Jovi.

And he's not a roadie. He had a keg in his van.

Thank God I met the nicest guy, and he was selling these t-shirts that he makes himself.

And he has all these dolphin tattoos because he really wants to be a marine biologist.

He was so built.

And so we kinda took a little trip down to the ocean, and, uh, and he was rubbing suntan lotion all over me, but it was kinda weird because...

Well, it was nighttime.

My dad wasn't the only one in a new level of hell.

(Adam) Oh, my God!

She shrunk my clothes!

Let's not panic, kiddo. It's really not that bad.

Look at me! You can see every little curve.

I know mom shrunk 'em on purpose.

Come on. She'd never do that.

Oh, yes, she would.

You just don't know her.

I'm her father.

Pops, I'm telling you, that woman's an evil genius.

Dinner's ready!

I made your favorite... shrimp parm.

Oh, you made my favorite?

Well, it doesn't make up for this.

My goodness!

What happened to your cool clothes?

You happened.

(Whispers) You happened.

They must've shrunk when I washed 'em.

It was an accident.

When it comes to you and the laundry, there are no accidents.

I always wash new clothes.

You don't know who tried them on before you.

Could've been a drifter.

What kind of drifter shops at the willow grove mall?

Well, what kind of drifter needs to buy new clothes when he already has perfectly good ones?

A drifter with a mom who drove him to drifting!

The open road was his only way out!

What's happening?

I'll tell you what's happening.

You're gonna wear the clothes I bought you.

They're perfectly fine.

Holy God! You did shrink 'em on purpose!

Okay, there are some ugly accusations flying around this house right now.

Okay, now that that's been resolved, I think we all need to take a deep breath and put on our adorable train sweater.

I'll never wear your train! Ever!

(Scoffs) Oh, these are chaffing me, but I like it!

Bevy, I spent a fortune on those clothes.

And that store was crazy.

There was a boy with earrings in his nipples.

I told you not to mix in!

(Clothes thud) But Adam wants to look stylish.

Oh, I know style. I am style.

They're just clothes. Who cares?

I care.

Back-to-school shopping was one of the last traditions Adam and I had together.

But now I guess that's gone, too.

While my mom's plan to bond with me had blown up, my dad's plan to bond with Erica was about to make his head explode.

I mean, if you ask me, the cop was overreacting.

Like, it was obviously a flare gun.

So we take off running, and I lose my shoe climbing over a fence.

There weren't any cabs, but luckily this motor home pulls up.

Buh... really nice.

Buh.

What?

Buh! Ugh!

Let's just go back to silence, beautiful daddy-daughter silence.

No more stories!

Why are you freaking out?

I mean, it was all Lainey's fault.

Oh, how is that?

Every decision you made in that story was a terrible one.

You said no judgey-ness.

I'm telling you, your friend Lainey Lewis...

she is big trouble.

Big trouble! You're never to see her again.

She's my best friend!

She is banned!

Banned for life!

Oh, really?

No more talking.

We're gonna roll it out! Come on!

Ugh! I knew you couldn't handle it!

Roll it out!

I knew.

Uh, you know what? No.

I am not 10 years old anymore.

I don't like roller-skating or unicorns or slap bracelets.

Don't you take off the slap bracelet.

That represents friendship.

No, no, don't skate away from me!

Erica!

All right.

I'm mergin' here.

I'm mergin'. Do you see the sign for merge?

Yield!

Yield!

Let me in! Let me in!

(Women scream)

Daddy-daughter day was officially a disaster.

Not only had Erica bailed, but my dad's ankle was swollen, and no one could get him off the rink.

Barry, I got your message. Where's your father?

The rink.

Can you please get him out of here? He's embarrassing me.

Is that my fanny pack?

Just go!

The merge! What the... the merge!

Murray!

The merge!

Murray!

Oh, my God, look at your ankle!

It's all swollen and ballooning.

What are you talking about? It's the other ankle.

Oh.

Ballooning?

What are you even doing here?

This was your idea.

You said take Erica out, so I brought her here.

You brought your moody teenage daughter to a roller skating rink?

Mistakes were made.

Uh... some by me.

I don't know what's going on with my little peanut.

The kid doesn't even like unicorns anymore.

She's growing up, Murray.

They all are.

I'd go with the brown paper bag.

(Clicks tongue) Aw. But Adam loves Kermie.

You know what? Your call.

I'm not gonna mix in.

No, you're right.

And, uh, you were right about the clothes.

Adam is old enough to pick his own clothes.

But it's all just going by so fast.

And...

It's hard because every year he gets older, and I feel like I'm just... having to say good-bye to a little boy I was just gettin' to know.

I went through the same thing with you.

But you know what made saying good-bye to my little girl easier?

I got to see the woman she became.

(Chuckles)

Adam, get your ass downstairs! We're going to the mall!

Thanks, daddy.

(Kisses)

Oh, no! They're closed.

Nothing's closed until I say it is.

Hey! What are you doing? We're closing.

My beautiful boy needs a pair of acid-washed jeans, and he needs them right now.

Can't help you. Sorry.

Sorry? (Chuckles) Oh.

You don't know from sorry.

If you don't let us in, people will hear about it.

Your co-workers, your manager.

I will call the C.E.O. of Jeans Express himself, and I will have him dragged out of his important meeting about jeans to let him know that he has an employee so spiteful, so petty, so cruel that she wouldn't let a yummy boy shop for his first day of school.

So I'm gonna ask you one more time, and I want you to think about your answer very carefully.

Can we please come in?

(Styx's "Come sail away" playing)

Thank you.

Also, I have a coupon. It expired a year ago.

You will honor it.

♪ I'm sailing ♪

(Murray) That's it, peanut! You're doing great!

You're doing it all by yourself!

♪ Set an open course ♪
♪ for the virgin sea ♪

Yeah, I remember that day.

Ooh. Mm.

I look ridiculous.

You look adorable.

You do.

So today was, uh, kind of a disaster, huh?

A little, but...

It was fun busting on Barry.

(Laughs) It was.

Oh, my God.

It really was.

Listen.

I may not understand... uh... you know, all this. You know?

But that doesn't mean I'm not here for you.

Obviously, go to your mother first.

But... if she's not around, I'm here for you.

Thanks.

♪ The sea ♪

(kisses)

Night, dad. Good night, peanut, ♪ spark my memory ♪
♪ some happy ♪
♪ some sad ♪
♪ I think of childhood friends ♪

Come and get 'em! Lunches for my honey-bunches!

Hey, don't wait up. I'm studying at Lainey's tonight.

Studying for what? Today's the first day of school.

Don't be a moron! Get your ass home!

Ugh!

(Adult Adam) And just like that, my dad was back to talking to Erica.

Look at us! We're identical twins.

So... how do I look?

♪ Try best that ♪

Dangerous.

♪ We can ♪
♪ to carry on ♪

We may have outgrown our old back-to-school traditions, but thanks to Barry, we started a new one.

♪ Come sail away, come sail away ♪
♪ come sail away with me, lad ♪
♪ come sail away, come sail away ♪
♪ come sail away with me ♪
♪ come sail away, come sail away ♪
♪ come sail away with me, baby ♪
♪ come sail away, come sail away ♪
♪ come sail away with me ♪
♪ come sail away, come sail away ♪
♪ come sail away with me ♪

Look how much fun mommy's having.

Hi!

(Rap beat playing) It's a work in progress, but here it goes.

(Beat-boxing)

♪ My name is Barry, but they call me Big Tasty ♪
♪ I'm the number one rapper in the U.S.-asty ♪
♪ my rhymes are fresh, my flow is hasty ♪
♪ you'll be eatin' up my words like a fresh baked pastry ♪
♪ when I say "Big," you say "Tasty" ♪
♪ Big ♪

What's happening?

I'll tell you what's happening.

He's a moron.

My God, stop it.

Stop it. Stop it.

I am watching, and it's aggravating!

(Adam) Is it annoying?

Where you going?

I can't help you! I don't know what to do about it!

You have a family here!

(Beverly, in distance) Murray!

Take your watch off. It's that...

No.

It's that medicated dog shampoo.

No. No. No.

(Water running)

(Laughing)