01x03 - Mini Murray

(Adult Adam) Every kid who grew up in Philly in the '80s was obsessed with the Sixers, especially my brother Barry.

Basketball was his life.

Where's he gonna go? Is he gonna go left?

Is he gonna go right? Hook!

Oh, and he passes to himself off the backboard.

Ah! Didn't count.

(Thuds)

Didn't count.

He's on fire.

You're bruising the plums.

What do you think I'm made of, fresh produce?

It was his passion.

Dr. J rejects him!

Barry!

He was obsessed. It never stopped.

(Clatter) Get that outta here! Yeah!

He backs him down. He backs him down.

It was hard to live with.

You gotta get low!

You gotta want it. You can't come in here soft.

Gotta pee!

(Grunting) Move! I drank a big gulp!

My brother had one dream... going pro.

Three... two... one!

At the buzzer!

There was more time left on the clock!

He was misinformed!

Then he found a way to make his dream a reality.

Mom, dad, I have huge news.

If you'd follow me outside to the hoop?

No.

Here's good.

What if I told you one day there'd be a piece of technology that can guarantee I play professional basketball?

Well, that day has come.

(Commercial fanfare playing) The Reebok Pump.

A cushion of air around the foot that literally allows you to defy the laws of gravity.

And the amazing part? It's only $175.

Don't say no.

No.

(Music warps and stops)

Honey, I've got a pair of Reeboks upstairs you can have.

Oh, really?

Can I please borrow your beige mom sneakers?

Listen! My dream is to be a basketball superstar, not a nurse!

Well, here's the thing about your dream...

It's stupid.

You have the money.

Just get your pants and give it to me.

Barry, your father's pants are not a bank.

Money comes from hard work, you moron.

You really want those shoes, come down to the store and work for 'em.

Fine!

But when I get to the NBA, and you want my autograph, I'm signing it, "Worst wishes... Barry."

(I Fight Dragons) ♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪
♪ but nonetheless I feel the need to say ♪
♪ I don't know the future ♪
♪ but the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

It was October 5, 1980-something, and while Barry pursued his NBA dream, I pursued a dream of my own... seeing the movie "Poltergeist."

Please, please. I'll do the dishes.

No! You're not seeing that ghost movie.

It's too scary for you.

Come on! It's re-released at the Dollar Theater.

A dollar! You love a bargain.

(Chuckles)

Forget it!

Barbara Fishman's neighbor's nephew saw that movie.

Three days later, he had a terror stroke.

A terror stroke?

Mm-hmm.

That's not even a thing!

You can see this movie.

(Adam) "The great mouse detective"?

(Singsongy) He's got a little magnifying glass.

(Normal voice) Ooh, take pops. He loves talking animals.

And here is a little extra money for something sweet.

Now how about a little somethin' sweet for me?

Mom, do we have to do this every morning?

(Hands drop against sides)

It's been four days since I've gotten a huggie.

I'm jonesin'. I need my fix.

(Chuckles and gasps)

Ooh...

What are you doing? What is this?

You wanted a hug.

Who hugs like that? At least put some arm into it.

This is what I got.

Oh...

Go.

Even though my mom was being denied the affection she wanted, I wasn't about to be denied "Poltergeist."

Thanks again for bringing me.

Of course.

Popcorn, milk duds, a mouse detective... what's not to like?

Um... (Dramatic music playing) the mouse stuff comes at the end... after the ghosts.

I felt awful for lying, but how scary could the movie really be?

Turns out, it was scary!

Really scary!

Really, really scary!

(Audience murmuring)

Where the (Bleep) was the mouse?!

Okay, so you got your love seats over there, uh, sectionals over there.

That's a divan.

Hey, Vic, say hello to my son.

What? Little baby Barry?

Get outta here!

That's a good-looking kid there, Mur.

He must get it from his mom! (Laughs)

(Forced laugh)

Where does Vic Jr. get it from, Carl down at the loading dock?

Oh, man, come on! (Laughs)

That's part of the job. We bust balls.

Yeah, Vic. You sad old loser.

(Laughs) Hey, what?

You know what? He's new. He's new.

Let's just get to work. All right.

So this is what we do all day?

It's pretty cool.

No, no, no, no.

This is what I do all day, okay?

You sweep.

And then you move some furniture, and you sweep around that.

I'll see you for lunch.

Ah. I see what you're trying to do.

You're trying to break me.

Well, you can't break me, old man.

I'll sweep your floor, and you know why?

'Cause nobody gets to the NBA without a struggle.

(Exhales) Struggle away.

(Groans) Vic? A little help here?

Hell, no.

(Rattling, wind whistling)

Sure, I knew "Poltergeist" was just a movie... (Tapping) but when night came, it seemed pretty freakin' real!

(Cackling)

(Cackling continues)

(Cackling warps, fades)

I just can't stop thinking about that movie.

It's really gone to my head, pops.

Aw, buddy. It's all make-believe.

It's not.

Ghosts are real.

They're what keep the Ghostbusters employed.

You got nothing to be afraid of.

Now go get some rest.

Okay. Good night.

In my head, I knew pops was right, but the rest of me was not gonna take any chances.

(Button clicks, whirring)

Desperate times called for desperate measures.

(Whispering) Mom? I have a tummy ache.

(Lowered voice) Oh, sweetie. Do you need to make?

No! But...

Can I sleep here tonight?

Yeah, sure.

(Glasses clatter)

I had given in.

For one night, my mom would get the snuggles she so desperately craved.

And then morning came.

How's the tum-tum?

I... it's fine. I'm fine.

I gotta go.

See ya!

(Scoffs) Okay.

(Door opens) Oh, Adam, you forgot your jacket.

Don't need it!

(Door closes)

"Poltergeist"?

I told him not to see that movie. Unbelievable!

He's scared.

That's why he wants snuggies.

Hey, if you're looking for some snuggies, I...

You're not going to that party.

You never let me do... (Clenches teeth) anything!

Ugh!

That's when my mom realized she had found the ticket to all the snuggies she could ever want.

(Door closes)

(Door creaks)

Mom?

You didn't put this clown here, did you?

Yes, Adam.

After running errands, cooking dinner, and cleaning the house, I had lots of time to futz around with a clown.

Okay, okay. Jeez.

(Suspenseful music playing)

Mom? I have a tummy ache!

Little did I know the scariest thing in this house was lying right next to me.

After a grueling week of manual labor, the day Barry had been waiting for had arrived...

Payday.

$33.27?

Is this some sick joke?

Oh.

You're just busting balls, huh?

This is a joke paycheck.

I wish I was busting balls.

Welcome to the real world.

I know I made more than this. Why is it so low?

Taxes!

You got federal, state, social security, F.I.C.A.

What are you talking about? Those aren't real things.

Did you ever go to school? Taxes?

Those are totally real things.

Just let me become a salesman.

I can make more if I work on commission.

You? You're not ready.

There's a customer right there.

Just let me go sell him the pink couch?

It's a salmon love seat.

It's been there for five years.

It's un-sellable.

I'm gonna move him over to the sectionals.

You stay over here and continue your fine broom work.

Sir, just so you know, we have financing.

Bad credit, no credit... no problem.

Thanks. I'm not gonna make any final decisions today, so...

Today is not a day for final decisions.

I'm with you. Take your time.

What are you doing?

Sorry. I had a phone call.

I didn't hear the phone ring.

Oh, it rang. It was Ron Jaworski.

Said he wants this couch.

Ron Jaworski? The Eagles quarterback?

Dude.

(Chuckles) Dude!

Dude!

Dude.

Dude?

Dude. He literally just called.

I want this couch.

Mm... no can do.

Ronnie J. just put this on reserve.

What if I pay cash?

Murray?

You know what? I'll handle Big Ron.

You, sir, have got yourself a deal.

(Gasps) Thank you.

No doubt about it. Barry was a natural.

Meanwhile, I was still dealing with the supernatural.

(TV turns on)

(Suspenseful music playing)

(Static hissing)

(Static hissing)

(Shivering)


(Door closes)

Mom... (Panting)

Oh! (Gasps) What's this about?

(Whispers) Tummy ache.

Okay.

Why don't you, uh, run upstairs, and I'll be there in a minute, okay?

(Exhales)

It's fine.

Wow!

(Groans)

(Door closes)

You scared me. That's not cool.

Not cool, huh? Why'd you take the remote outside?

It's not what you think.

I think you're scaring Adam so he'll give you hugs.

It might be what you think.

But is that so wrong?

Yes, it's wrong! Very, very wrong.

Well, it would have never come to this if I didn't have to beg for affection from my own children.

Here we go.

I used to walk through that door, and you would all come running and jump into my arms.

And then you stopped. And Barry stopped.

Adam's all I have left. And if he stops, no one's ever gonna hug me again.

(Scoffs) You know I'm gonna have to tell Adam, right?

Don't!

Just one more night of snugs, and I'll never do it again.

I promise.

I suppose I could forget the whole thing if...

You let me stay out insanely late this weekend.

Deal.

Really?

Please. Like you were gonna come home when I wanted anyway?

True.

I feel good about this.

My mother wasn't the only one feeling good.

Over the next week, Barry proved himself to be...

(Telephone ringing)

Not only a great salesman, but a real visionary.

Mix the duck sauce with the hot mustard and dip your egg roll in it.

That's crazy! Who does that?

Just do it. You'll like it, you big baby.

(Crunches)

I don't like it.

I love it!

Hey, Barry, there's a woman on the phone who said that you set aside two nightstands for her?

Yep. And set aside a one-night stand for your wife.

Wha...

Just busting balls.

It's what we do.

Come on. (Laughs) That's what we do.

I'm home!

(Both) Nobody bother me!

But my dad began to notice that success was changing Barry, and not all for the good.

(Sighs)

That's the stuff.

What the hell are you doing?

Get out of my chair, go outside, play basketball.

Or something.

Ah, screw basketball.

It was a stupid dream. You were right.

But furniture? That's where it's at.

Oh, look at you!

Ha ha! You're a mini Murray!

Chip off the old block.

He really was, and my dad suddenly realized he didn't like it one bit.

So he decided to handle it the only way he knew how.

You're fired.

What? Why?

It's not working out.

Yes, it is. It's working out awesome.

You just can't randomly fire me.

I mean, you have to have cause.

Okay. It's 'cause you're a moron.

No. This is not happening.

In fact, I fire you. That's right, you're fired.

Y... you don't have to go.

No. No, no, no.

You guys leave and come to my store instead.

He doesn't have a store.

Oh, yes, I do have a store.

I'm opening one right across the street.

He's not opening across the street.

I just did!

No, you didn't.

(Bell dings) And Ron Jaworski's really gonna go there...

You don't know Ron Jaworski.

And people are gonna treat each other nicely.

It's gonna be a friendly working environment! (Slaps counter)

Who's coming with me, huh? (Pen clatters)

You! Vic, I'm doubling your salary. You work for me now.

Wait, for real?

For real, for real.

No, he's not going with you.

Toodle-oo!

His store sounds nice.

His store isn't real!

(Door closes)

My dad was hoping by the time he got home from work, the Barry incident would have blown over.

But in our house, things just blow up.

You fired your own son?

Oh, boy.

Damn right he fired me.

And you know why? 'Cause he's jealous.

That's right. I sold the pink couch.

And for a brief moment, you got to see what a good furniture salesman looks like.

This. Yeah. Soak it in.

Okay. We're done yelling. Let's all just calm down.

Oh, I'm done.

I'm done with you, I'm done with the store, and I'm done with furniture... forever!

What does that even mean?

I reject all furniture!

I'm going up to my room and getting rid of everything.

I'll never be comfortable again.

(Exhales)

(Wheels rattling on ground)

What are you doing?

Rejecting all furniture. What are you doing?

There's a ghost in the TV.

That's just stupid.

Thanks for sleeping over, pops.

I'm sorry I didn't come sooner, kiddo.

No man should have to bunk up with his mom for a week.

No man.

But what happens when you leave?

You can't protect me forever.

But this watch sure can.

My grandpa lrv gave me this just before I shipped off to France, and he told me as long as I kept it with me, nothing bad would happen, and he was right.

Boom.

(Exhales)

Thanks. I feel better already.

(Voice whispering indistinctly)

What the hell is that?

(Whispering continues)

It came from inside the trunk.

(Whispering indistinctly, then deep voice) Evil!

(Whispering) Beverly, what are you doing?

(Suspenseful music playing)

(Gasps) It keeps coming back!

(Pants) There's gotta be a rational explanation for this.

Of course there is!

My toy chest is a portal to hell!

(Whispering resumes)

Aha! That's the explanation!

M... my walkie-talkie?

You!

What's the matter, pooh?

Don't you "pooh" me.

Don't you "pooh" him.

There is a monster in this house, and it's you.

You're the monster.

If that's what you really think of me, then I have failed as a mother.

(Static)

Well, you lied, too.

I told you not to see that movie, and you did it anyway.

And you shouldn't have let him see something so scary.

Not my fault. That movie was wildly mis-titled.

There was neither a mouse nor a detective.

I hope you enjoyed the hugs while they lasted, 'cause I got news for you, woman.

As of this moment, I'll never snug you again.

Ever!

After a week of being scared by my own mother, what I just said terrified her to the core.

(Sighs) I can't believe I'm losing sleep over that damn kid.

(Clicks tongue)

(Sighs)

Adam's never forgiving me, but you could still patch things up with Barry.

Just hire him back.

I can't!

The last thing I want is that kid peddling furniture for the rest of his life.

I want more for him.

Why didn't you tell him that?

Eh, he... he knows.

Murray.

Fine!

Fine.

We're bad parents, aren't we?

We're not great, that's for sure.

But who really is?

Well...

Ah. The blond people down the block.

The ones with all the bikes.

They're making it work.

Oh. At least we have each other.

Yeah, you can't scare me away.

(Exhales)

Here.

I know you love Bill Murray and you wanted to see "Stripes" and I wouldn't let you.

Um... it's playing at the Dollar Theater.

Not interested.

I hear they show boobs.

How many?

I'm sorry I scared you.

But you were so warm and snuggy, and...

I miss it.

I just need a hug, and when I don't get it, I do bad things.

Fine.

One hug... a week.

One a day, Monday through Friday, weekends off.

Every other day, two seconds max.

Five seconds.

Three and a half seconds. That's my final offer.

Deal.

(Whitesnake's "Here I go again" playing)

That one's free.

(Knocks)

(Barry) What?

Go away. Not talking to you.

That's okay. I'll do the talking.

Why? Did mom send you here?

Of course she did.

All right. Uh... when I was your age, my dad... he wasn't around much.

I had nobody looking out for me.

So I had no direction.

Boy, if I hadn't met your mother, I don't know where I'd be today.

And then pops gave me a job at the store, and, uh, suddenly I'm a guy with a family and a future.

What I'm trying to say is for me, selling furniture was... was a big deal.

But I want more for you.


♪ so I keep searching for an answer ♪
♪ Never seem to find what I'm looking for ♪

No... way.

The Reebok Pumps? For real?

I thought you said my dream was stupid.

Yeah, well, you're just the moron to pull it off.

Oh, my goodness!

♪ The lonely street of dreams ♪
♪ and here I go again on my own ♪
♪ going down the only road I've ever known ♪
♪ like a drifter, I was born to walk alone ♪
♪ and I've made up my mind ♪
♪ I ain't wastin' no more time ♪

(thud)

(Music stops)

(Gasps)

(Murray) Thank God he can sell furniture.

Welcome to my house.

(Grunting)

Ain't no one gonna stop Barry. Uhh!

Swish, baby!

Swish, baby!

Lefty. Lefty.

Swish, baby!

Swish, baby!

Basketball.

That was... that was fantastic!

He... he made a shot from the end of the driveway!

Thank you.