01x06 - Who Are You Going to Telephone?

(Adult Adam) Ah, Halloween in the '80s... it was a time when the costumes were highly flammable, the candy was full of gluten, and you didn't have to sign a legal waiver to enter a haunted house.

I had spent four days building my costume, and it was legendary.

Yes! I am literally the coolest man alive!

I really wasn't, but tonight my life would change.

I was gearing up for an epic night of candy begging.

(Gasps)

Oh, that is so cute!

It's not cute. It's friggin' awesome.

Well, you know what'll make it awesomer?

What the hell is that?

It's for safety, and safety is the coolest cat in town.

Oh, my God. No! I'm not wearing that. I'm a cube.

I'll just staple it on. No one will even notice.

It's reflective. It's designed to be noticed.

Come on.

It's for your safety.

No.

It's for your safety.

Stop.

No.

Lookit. The corners fit in perfectly.

Get off.

Adam.

No! Stop it.

All the kids are into vests this year.

Stop. Mom!

It's neon. Cool kids will dig it.

Well...

Fine. You don't have to wear the vest as long as you stay close to pops.

Pops? I'm not going with pops this year.

What? You go trick-or-treating with him every year.

I know. It's Evan Turner. He invited me out.

He's super cool, and he likes me for some reason.

I let him cheat off me in social studies.

Evan Turner? Who's Evan Turner? I don't know any Evan Turner.

That's because he runs in higher circles than I do.

For God sake, he wears a shark tooth necklace.

To school?

And the administrators allow that?

That would pop someone's eye out.

I don't know about this kid.

No! He's nice. His dad owns an arby's.

He gets free roast beef whenever he wants.

Maybe we could get free roast beef.

I like this Evan Turner. Big fan.

Yeah, I'm not a big fan of our sweet little pumpkin running through the streets unsupervised.

What are you talking about?

He's practically an adult.

Just look at him, busting out of his toy...box costume.

This doesn't help.

I don't know.

I think it's terrible you're ditching your grandfather.

Pops looks forward to this every year.

He dresses up just to humor me.

Trust me. He'll be thrilled.

(Knock on door)

(Singsongy) Who you gonna telephone?

(Normal voice) The ghost fellas, huh?

Huh? From the movie.

Actually, I'm going with Evan Turner instead.

Oh. Okay. That's okay. It's all okay.

You...you okay?

Sorry. I forgot to tell you.

No, no, don't be sorry.

Forget being a ghostbuster.

That kid's dad owns an arby's.

They give you the cup at the counter, and then you pour the soda yourself.

There's no rules there.

So go get some candy with Turner, and remember, the bigger the smile, the higher the pile.

But don't eat any of it till I can take it to the hospital and have it x-rayed for razor blades.

Again with this? Seriously, I'm not a little kid anymore.

That's right, honey.

You're a big, strong man.

I was a man, all right. Nothing was gonna stop me.

(Thuds, clattering)

(Grunting) Don't help me!

I got this! (Grunts)

(I fight dragons) ♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪ but nonetheless I feel the need to say ♪
♪ I don't know the future ♪
♪ but the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

It was Halloween, 1980-something.

Back then my brother Barry was obsessed with Lou ferrigno and "The lncredible Hulk."

(Roaring) It was a show about a hero with anger issues, which Barry could relate to.

Ahh. (Kisses)

Hey, kiddo. Looking good.

Feeling good, pops.

You know what might make you feel even better?

A little trick-or-treatin' with your grandpa.

Dude, that's kids' stuff.

Got a rad party to go to. Girls are gonna go wild.

Ladies love The Hulk.

Such a badass. (Roars)

I-I don't know what you're doing, but I think you're doing it wrong.

(Roars) While my brother was gearing up for a night on the town, my father was gearing up for a night on his ass. (Doorbell rings)

(Children, singsongy) Trick-or-treat!

(Murray) Bevy, it's for you!

(Crowd cheering on TV)

(Children) Trick or treat!

Oh, you're so cute!

(TV playing indistinctly)

Nice, Murray.

Can you at least put some pants on?

Because this whole visual festival is very uninviting, and I think it's gonna scare the children.

Lucky for me, it's the one night of the year where that's okay.

I'm tired of being the one that always hands out the candy.

I can help. This whole night's been a bust anyway.

Oh, well, that's the spirit.

One per customer. Don't invite any of the moms in for wine.

Oh, there he is!

My incredible hunk.

(Packaging rustles) Don't touch it.

The Hulk's hair's supposed to be mussy.

All right, well, at least wear a scarf. It's cold out.

A scarf? The Hulk doesn't get chilly.

Did you remember to tinkle?

The Hulk doesn't tinkle! All right, don't get angry.

That's the only thing The Hulk does do!

Okay, I'm leaving, mom.

Bye. Uh, excuse me. Come here.

Are you kidding me with that costume?

What? I'm Jane goodall, the famous anthropologist who lived with wild chimpanzees in Africa.

You look like a famous slut who lived with the sluts in slut town.

Whatever. If you're tagging along, there's no way you're getting in the car like that.

Gonna get green all over my seats.

Fine! Hulk bring beach towel. Unreal.

Good. Stay in character. (Roars)

Lexy Bloom's gonna love it.

Lexy Bloom? Who's Lexy Bloom?

I don't know any Lexy Bloom.

Just some girl that Barry's inviting to the homecoming dance.

Oh, that's wonderful!

Yeah, and she's gonna crush him.

Erica, why would you say something like that?

Well, because Lexy models for jcpenney, and Barry's the jolly green jackass.

Hey, your brother is a sweet, smart, handsome boy, and this Lexy Bloom would be lucky to date him.

Lucky.

Yeah, and I'll be sure to remind him of that when she tears his heart out tonight.

Why must you two delight in each other's misery?

I have failed as a mother.

Can't really speak to that.

(Gravelly voice) Hulk ready, but is world ready for Hulk?

You have a good night,

'cause I'm gonna have an incredible one.

(Packaging rustles)

Speaking of incredible, I was finally gonna be one of the cool kids, not some weird doofus they looked down on.

Sorry I'm late.

Dude, what are you wearing?

(Exhales) You guys aren't wearing costumes.

Yeah, 'cause we're not 5.

We're gonna T.P. houses and throw eggs and mess with cats.

(Exhales) Yeah, I stole this off some dumb kid who loves trick-or-treating.

Whatever. Let's have some fun.

(Boys laugh) Sure, I was in over my head, but being a cool kid meant going with the flow.

(Laughs) Some little kid worked really hard on that.

(Chuckles nervously)

(Door squeaks)

Look at you two, having a magical night together.

Well, enjoy it while it lasts, 'cause they break your heart.

They break your heart.

Have a Charleston Chew.

(TV playing indistinctly)

(Chuckles)

(Beverly) Guys?

(Door closes)

(Singsongy) I'm worried about Barry.

(Clicks remote) Check this out. I found this in his bedroom.

Uh, look, it's normal for a teenage boy to... spend some time alone, enjoying the bra section of a catalog.

No, no. The girl.

He's gonna ask her out.

Yowza. She's a looker.

Well, and so's my boy.

(Chuckles) Right?

I mean, I'm not a delusional mother, but Barry really is the most handsome boy on the entire planet.

Right?

(Inhales deeply) Murray, you wanna take this?

I gotta get over there.

Stop.

You're not going anywhere.

I've gotta get over there before that girl breaks his beautiful heart into itty-bitty pieces.

Bevy, you can't always be there to protect the kid from heartbreak.

(Exhales) Why are you talking crazy? Of course I can.

If you keep standing in his way, he will never grow up, and he will never leave this place, and damn it, I will not allow that to happen.

I am his mother, and I am going to protect him.

And I am protecting him from you.

Leave him alone.

(Sighs) Maybe you're right.

I shouldn't mix in.

I should just stay here and... Oh, shoot.

I thought I got enough candy for tonight.

I'm gonna have to run out and get some rolos.

Swear to me that you will not go to that party.

I swear on my life.

She didn't technically die, but she did go to that party dressed as a ghost.

Whoo! Part-ay! Anyone here see Lexy Bloom?

Boo! You look like a friendly ghost.

(Muffled voice) Ari Caldwell?

You used to eat paste at my house.

Oh, who are you? Okay, this is weird.

Where's Lexy?

I need to talk to her about a foxy young man.

Unfortunately, that foxy young man was stress-eating in the corner.

(Crunching)

(Singsongy) There she is.

(Normal voice) Lexy Bloom.

So what are you waiting for? Ask her to the dance.

Okay.

I'm thinking of opening with "Hey, uh, sexy Lexy."

What do you think?

Yeah, that's perfect. Do that.

Okay, here we go. Three, two, one...

Stop pressuring me. You're making me nervous.

Nervous? You're The Hulk.

The hulk isn't afraid to talk to a girl, is he?

You have a point.

(Gravelly voice) Hulk can do this.

Mm-hmm, yes. The hulk is the mean, green dating machine.

Get in there. Come on. (Exhales deeply)

Stand up straight and smile!

My brother was about to take the path to glory.

(Heroic theme playing)

(Music warps and stops) Or take a left to the kitchen.

But if Barry couldn't sell himself to Lexy Bloom, my mom figured she'd do it for him.

Hey, guys. Great party, huh?

Oh, thanks. And you are...

I'm the new girl in school, and, wow, I cannot believe how many cute guys are at this party.

But you know who I think is the cutest?

Tom Overton.

No.

Chris Warner?

No.

John Katz.

No.

Scott barker.

No.

Vijay Chandrasekar?

Okay, stop. Those boys are all chopped liver compared to Barry Goldberg.

Barry who now? Barry Goldberg.

You know, dark, wavy hair, dreamy brown eyes.

Uh, he's just a big cuddle bear you wanna squeeze.

Yeah! Yeah. Isn't he the guy that, like, freaked out on the lunch lady because they didn't have pudding?

He's passionate. He runs hot.

Life is long. You're gonna want that.

Excuse me.


While my mom was solving Barry's problems, my dad had the perfect solution for Halloween... (Sighs) Give up.

(Door squeaks)

What are you doing?

What? I-I put a bowl outside.

I'm sick of answering the door every two seconds.

Are you crazy, man?

The first Dracula that comes along will clean us out.

(Door squeaks) See? They took everything, even the bowl!

How did that happen? It was only two seconds.

What are you doing?!

I understand the candy, but the bowl, too?!

There. Halloween's over, and, uh, we can relax now.

I don't wanna relax.

I wanna give out candy. I wanna wear a costume.

I wanna trick-or-treat with my grandson.

This night's been a bust.

I-I think I should just go.

You know what? (Sighs) Don't go.

We can still have Halloween.

How?

You don't have any candy.

(Door squeaks) Hey, kids! Come on back!

Who wants coffee cake?

Smart! (Snaps fingers)

Kids love coffee cake.

Two blocks away, I was still trying to keep up with the cool kids.

(Laughs)

Oh, man, that's classic.

It's so wasteful.

Hey, guys. (Panting)

My little brother said some lame-ass house is handing out day-old coffee cake.

Ugh! It's so dry! Let's get 'em!

Guys, wait!

(Gasps)

I'm fine!

Yeah, I was in too deep.

Chickening out meant social suicide, so I had no choice but to egg some random house...

Okay, everyone, grab an egg. This is our target.

Oh! Balls!

Or in this case, my house.

Uh, guys, there's been some mistake.

Now! (Grunts)

Come on, Goldberg, do it!

(Boys grunting)

The pressure was on.

In order to be cool, I had to attack my own house, but in my heart, I knew it was wrong.

But I did it anyway.

(Door squeaks)

Oh, balls.

(Boy) Run!

(Laughing)

(Thud)

Guys, wait! Don't leave me! I'm one of you now!

(Groans)

Oh, balls, indeed.

I guess I'm about ready to call it a night.

So weird.

Why does Lexy keep looking over here?

Clearly, she wants you to ask her out.

Oh, she's making eyes at ya.

Do it back.

That was great!

I know. I just gotta get her alone.

(Barry) That stupid ghost won't stop talking to her.

Oh, she's looking back again. Do something cool.

Yeah. Yeah, more swing.

(Erica) Okay, jut the elbows.

Ooh, she's lovin' it.

Wow, he's really got some moves, doesn't he?

He looks like he has to use the bathroom.

He never tinkles before he leaves the house.

None of the bad boys do.

If you are so into this guy, maybe you should just go ask him out.

Oh, no.

See? He's on his way over.

Oh, I'm not ready for this.

You're on my sheet. You're on my sheet!

(Grunts) Oh...

Oh! Lexy Bloom. Didn't think I'd see you here.

It's my house.

Yeah, it is. Yeah.

"Flashdance."

Good movie, better costume.

And you're... Oscar the grouch.

Yeah! That's me. I live in a trash can.

I mean, I don't really live in a trash can.

I have a nice home. We're comfortable, except right now. Anywho...

(Under breath) Why'd I just say "Anywho"?

(Normal voice) Anyhow, I was thinking based on your costume, that you like dancing, that we could, uh, maybe just...

(Gasps) Ohh!

(Gasping)

I am so sorry! Oh.

Stop! Let's just... you're making it worse!

Here. I've got some tissues. Just dab it so the stain won't settle in.

You don't wanna smear it. It'll just get right in there.

Mom?

I'm not your mom.

(Breathy voice) I'm a spooky ghost. Ooh!

(Clears throat)

(Gasps)

(Murmuring)

Oh, God, no.

(Singsongy) Hi.

What are you doing here?

I just wanted to talk to all your friends.

Why?!

'Cause I know how wonderful and delicious you are, and I want them to know how wonderful and delicious you are.

He's delicious!

(Laughter) Oh, God, no.

Stop calling me "Delicious"! No!

Oh, honey!

(Girls laughing)

(Growling)

(Beverly) Honey, I'm sorry! (Growls)

At least let mommy drive you home!

Erica got her Halloween treat, but it wasn't as sweet as she thought it would be.

My dad was always calling us "Morons."

Tonight he was right.

You attack your own house... your family's house... with eggs.

No more omelets for you!

All of your egg privileges... gone!

Sorry, kid. Can't help ya.

I-I just wanted a good, clean fun night of "Ghostbuster"ing.

You know what else?

You're grounded. You are so grounded.

Three weeks!

And don't think I'm not confiscating all your candy from you. Mine.

I didn't get any.

This just keeps getting better and better.

Oh-ho! Now who's gonna get it?

(Singsongy) You're in trouble.

Is Barry here?

No.

He must be in his room.

This one vandalized his own house.

That's right. It's covered in eggs! Covered!

(Footsteps depart)

I thought she'd weigh in on that.

He's not in his room.

This is bad.

Really bad. He was so upset.

You mixed in, didn't you?

There might have been some... light mixing. Yeah.

I told you not to get involved.

Well, I didn't listen.

But you swore on your life.

If Barry had gotten his heart broken, I'd die, so I was dead either way.

I cannot argue with that logic.

(Sighs) I just... knew that girl wouldn't see Barry the way that I see him.

He is a sweet, sensitive, lactose-intolerant, delicious, little boy.

You didn't call him "Delicious" in front of the girl, did you?

Maybe.

(Groans) It was all a blur after I tissued off her boob.

You what?

There he is. I have to go apologize.

I'm going out there.

No, no, no. Don't go to him.

Go to him?

You know that's not what I said.

No more apologies.

The best gift you can give him is to leave him the hell alone.

(Vehicle approaches)

(Engine idles)

(Engine turns off, car door opens)

Hey.

How was the rest of the party?

Any other moms show up?

You know, I was really looking forward to you embarrassing yourself, but something about mom doing it for you just...

Took the fun out of it.

Well, sorry to ruin your night.

Actually, I ruined your night.

I sort of mentioned to mom that you were gonna ask Lexy out.

What? You might as well have driven her there yourself.

I know! Sometimes I forget how crazy she is.

How can you forget that?

I'm sorry... For real.

After tonight, I'm thinking if we don't look out for each other, we're never gonna make it out of this house alive.

Agreed.

Listen... there's another party at Allison brenner's.

Could be fun.

I think she said you were kinda cute.

Say no more.

Hulk ready to rock!

Yeah, d-don't talk like that.

My mom realized that maybe now she didn't always have to be there for us, 'cause we were there for each other.

As for me, I was all alone up on that roof.

Or so I thought. (Knock on window)

(Muffled voice) You're missing a spot.

You're missing a spot.

You're missing a spot over and over.

I get it. You're angry.

(Scoffs) I said I was sorry.

Not good enough. I went to bat for you.

I told your mom that you were an adult.

And what do you do? You go act like a giant moron.

Not by choice.

All I wanted to do was dress up, eat some candy, and have fun.

Then why the hell didn't you?

'Cause no one else wanted to!

Yeah, you're at that weird age between being a dumb kid and a stupid grownup.

I just wish things could stay the same, you know?

Yeah.

Yeah, I get it. I get it.

Well... Maybe your friends have grown out of trick-or-treating, but I know someone who's never too old.

(Ray Parker Jr.'s "Ghostbusters" playing)

We're literally the coolest men alive.

Roger that.

♪ Ghostbusters!

♪ If there's something strange ♪
♪ in your neighborhood ♪
♪ who you gonna call?

♪ Ghostbusters!

♪ If there's something weird Ooh! Maybe I could tag along and be their ghost.

Just let them have this.

♪ Ghostbusters!

Right. I'm not gonna go.

I don't need to go.

Okay, score me one of those terrible coconut candy bars that I love.

You got it.

♪ I ain't afraid of no ghost ♪

Hey, guys, wait up!

Wait! Wait for me!

♪ Who you gonna call? I'm coming!

I'm coming! ♪ Ghostbusters!

♪ Mm, if you've had a dose hey, you guys...

All candy to the hospital to be x-rayed.

Don't pretend you don't hear me just 'cause I'm a ghost.

♪ Ghostbusters!

Mom! It's not coming off!

I have school pictures this week! (Adam laughs)

What are you doing? Get outta here!

(Adam) Uh-oh! He's getting angry!

You wouldn't like Barry when he's angry. Ha ha!

Stop! I swear to God, I'm gonna take that camera!

Oh, this is me. I'm a rad dude.

Stop. Please stop filming. Come on. Stop.

(Adam giggling) Stop! Stop! Stop!

Stop! Stop!

Barry, you're pulling on it!