01x08 - The Kremps


(Engines revving)

(Adult Adam) Growing up in the '80s, I didn't just love movies... I lived them. (Engines continue revving)

[i]Maybe a little too much.

(Imitates engine revving)

Hey, little buddy.

Hey, Barry. You want to be in my movie?

I'd love nothing more.

Okay, so I'm inside the game grid, and I have these identity discs, and you're gonna... (Whooshes)

That's a wrap, nerd.

I had no kids on my street to play with, and my older siblings weren't exactly interested in my hobbies.



Whatcha up to?



'Cause it looks like you were filming yourself on a "Tron" light cycle escaping the game grid.

You've seen "Tron."

16 times.

My mom's actually kinda worried.

Hi, I'm Adam.

I'm Chad... Kremp.

We just moved in across the street.

You wanna check out my light cycle?

Sure. Yeah.

And just like that, I had a new neighbor and best friend.

Even though we had so much in common, our families couldn't have been more different.

(Doorbell rings)

The Kremps were soft-spoken...

Hi. Can Chad play?

Chad, honey, your friend is here.

And the Goldbergs liked to yell.

Hi. Can Adam play?

Adam! Get your ass down here!

The Kremps owned a fancy flower shop...

Here, Adam.

Why don't you take these home to your mother?


The Goldbergs owned a discount furniture store.

Hey... Get off the furniture!

I gotta sell this crap.

This was a typical Saturday afternoon at the Kremps'...


Put a little pepper on that one, didn't you, son?

I learned from the best.


Hey, lemonade for my home team.


While a Saturday afternoon at the Goldbergs' looked more like this...

(Beverly) What the hell? Barry Goldberg, you get your butt out of that tree right now!

What kind of moron gets stuck in a tree?

Adam said I couldn't climb this high.

I showed him!

(Chuckles) You sure did.

If you don't come down right now, I am gonna go get the hose!

You're not gonna spray our son. (Thuds)

Stop! Erica, I would like to not have to...

(all shouting at once) Enough with the ball! The hose... the hose is the way to go. The hose! Um, he's the idiot that got himself stuck up there.

I'll try and catch him... (Speaks indistinctly)

Hey, neighbors! Hi!

We have got to get that barbecue on the books, don't we?


That'd be great.

He's a moron!

He is!


And that's what you'd call "A Goldberg first impression."

(I Fight Dragons)

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪
♪ but nonetheless I feel the need to say ♪
♪ I don't know the future ♪
♪ but the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

Long before cell phones, you only had one phone line...

Get off the phone. Get off the phone.

And it was the source of all problems.

Get off the phone. Get off the phone.

Get off the phone. Get off the phone.

Hold on, Lainey.

Get off the phone.

I'm talking!

Go away, or I'll punch you in the soft part of your skull.

Mom told you not to punch me there.

Now give me the phone. I got an important call to make.

Really? What's so important?

I gotta call Roger.

He borrowed my hockey stick, and I found a hornet's nest out back.

Your life is so sad and simple.


No. Get off the phone.

Get off the phone. Get off the phone...

Hey, you know...

When I was your age, I was a radio man with the 103rd, working with the French and the British. We shared one line, and we still managed to win the war.

Can you please stop with these stories?

This is a real life situation here.

Dad, we gotta get a second phone line.

Two phone lines?

What does this look like... the White House?

A second line... is that even possible with all those wires crossing in and out?

Can they even do that?

While Pops couldn't understand how the phone worked, my mom couldn't understand why the Kremps kept ducking her barbecue invitation.

This is getting ridiculous.

I have been nothing but nice to the Kremps... (Loaf thuds)

And they're clearly blowing us off.

I mean, why would they want to avoid us?

(Blows air)

What did you do?


You heard me. What... did you do?

I haven't said a word to those people.

Well, that's the problem right there.

You're not friendly, you don't say "hi," you water the yard in your underpants.

It's disconcerting.

It's like you're trying to drive people away.

That's because I am trying to drive people away.

Well, that is why you have no friends, Murray.

I live in a house full of people who won't leave me the hell alone.

That's all the friends I need.

Well, you may not want friends, but I do.

Go over there and apologize for being a pantsless grumpy pants.

I should apologize for being me? (Spoon clinks)


(Doorbell rings)

Hi. I'm, uh, Murray Goldberg from across the street.

Just thought I'd come over and formally introduce myself.

Charles Kremp. Pleasure to meet you.

Come on in.

Oh, okay. Thank you.

This place smells great!

It's the gardenias.

It's a perk of the job. I'm a florist.

Oh, how about that?

That's right.

We have a-a flower spray that we keep in the bathroom.

It tries.

But the point is, I am here to invite you to a barbecue.

Yes, that... that situation.

So... it is a situation, huh?

From now on, I will try and, uh, wear pants when I go outside.


To be honest, um... (Clicks tongue) My... my wife Virginia... she can be a little sensitive, and, uh... (Chuckles)

How to put this... your wife scares her.



That day, my father finally got to do something he had been waiting for since the day he got married... be right!

(Singsongy) It's you!


You heard me.

It's not me that's the problem.

It's you!

What did I do?

Oh... you scare the woman.

Scare her but good.

That is ridiculous.

I have never been anything but cordial to her.

How can she not like me?

You yell. Uh, you yell inside, you yell outside.

And apparently, you climbed up on a garbage truck to yell at the garbage man.

And he drove halfway down the block with you hanging off the back.

And then he drove back and picked up our old sink.

You're welcome.

Explain it any way you want to, Bevy.

That woman no likey you.

But the idea of someone not liking my mom was not gonna fly.

Beverly Goldberg prided herself on being loved by all.

And she couldn't have it any other way.

Whoo-hoo! Virginia!

She turned power walking into power stalking.

Hey! (Chuckles) Whoo! (Chuckles)

I didn't see you there.

Oh. I didn't know you power walked.

What a coincidence.

I do it every day. (Chuckles)

She didn't.

Well, I should... keep moving.

I just hit my peak burn period. So...

Oh, good stuff, good stuff. Listen...

I feel like we got off on the wrong foot, and I know we're gonna be great friends.

So please come over for a barbecue.

(Chuckles) Sure.

Sure, I'll let you know.

Now? Okay, uh, how about Saturday?

I think it's supposed to rain on Saturday.

Great, Saturday it is. Mark it down.

You don't have to bring anything except an open mind and four sides. (Chuckles)

No. Just one side, if you want.

Okay. (Chuckles)

I'm gonna keep moving.

Okay, I'll lead.

(Strained voice) Oh! Aah! Cramp, cramp, cramp.

Okay, Saturday it is. Prepare to make some memories.

(Chuckles) Ohh!

While my mom was trying to make a connection with Mrs. Kremp... (Line ringing)

My brother was hoping to make a connection of his own.

(Woman, seductive voice) Hey, there, big boy.

You've reached 9-7-6-FOX.

I'm glad you called.

To speak with a hot girl in a car... press one.

To speak with a nasty girl on a plane... press two.

What the... hello?

Hang up.

Hang up!

Hang up!

Seriously, you're calling 9-7-6 numbers?

That's a personal call with a friend!

Gimme that.

You've selected erotic boat ride.

(Chuckles) Oh, man.

You are so busted.

Don't tell Dad, please?

I'll do anything.

I'll give you one week of uninterrupted phone time.

Hmm, that's hard to pass up.

Dad! Barry's calling 9-7-6 numbers!


Those calls are like $5.99 a minute.

The first two minutes are free, and I never go beyond the second minute.

I use the timer from Boggle. It's legit.

Oh, you want legit?

No phone for a month! What?!

This is your fault!

How is it my fault that you want to get frisky in a rowboat? (Door creaks open)

That wasn't the selection I was gonna make. (Door closes)

Okay, now you're in trouble.

Your son has been calling smut numbers.

I don't care. I have something very important to tell you.

The Kremps are coming over for a barbecue.

Yes! That is big!

Now let's focus on this and not my thing.

Tell us more about this important barbecue.

Wait, are we talking about all the Kremps here, like, the boys, too... the one that's Adam's age, and the one that's my age with sandy brown hair and blue eyes?

You still want to have a barbecue with these people, even though that woman's terrified of you?

Not anymore.

I woke up early this morning, followed her for 2 miles on foot, then chased her down and convinced her there's nothing scary about me.

Come on. I had nothing planned this weekend.

It was perfect.

Well, now you do. And you will be warm and inviting, and so help me God, you better not fall asleep in front of these people.

Okay! Let's get cookin'!

Off. Take it off.

It's an icebreaker...

Sometimes more.

Dad, these are good people.

We need to be on our best behavior.

That means no dirty jokes, no limericks, no lewd comments.

This party sounds like a real drag.

As for the rest of you, no yelling, no cursing, no fighting.

Mark my words.

This will be the best backyard barbecue in the history... of backyard barbecues.

(Thunder rumbles, rainfall)

Or not. It was gonna be a very stormy weekend with the Kremps. (Thunder rumbles) Even though it rained during the big barbecue, it didn't stop me and Chad from reciting "Empire Strikes Back" by heart.

(Both, robotically) No, no, that's not true.

That's impossible.

It also didn't stop my sister from warming up to Drew Kremp, or my dad from falling asleep, or my mom from trying to get Virginia to warm up to her.

I brought you some wine.


(Lowered voice) I brought you some wine.

I'm sorry. I can't hear you.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so naturally soft-spoken.

I brought you some wine.

Okay, who needs dogs?

Mm. Wow. Thank you so much. Look... oh, you warmed my buns.


I don't know if I can handle all this meat.

(Under breath) Is she kidding me with this?

(Under breath) Just go.

No one was really enjoying themselves...

Except for Barry. (Thunder rumbling)

Hello, sister.

Perfect day for a barbecue, isn't it?

No, weirdo. It's pouring outside.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I meant, it's a perfect day for revenge.

(Button clicks)

(Erica) Drew Kremp is so delicious.

I want to dunk him in a glass of milk and eat him up.

(Button clicks, recording stops) What the hell?

You recorded my private phone call?

Funny... how I just happened to pick up when you were on the phone.

Should I play the rest for the guests we're entertaining?

(Lowered voice) Okay, you win.

You can use the phone whenever you want, okay?

Just please don't play it, I'm begging you.

Kind of like how I begged you not to tell Dad, huh?

Perchance, can you remind me how that turned out?

Will you stop talking like that and just give me the damn tape?


Just give it...

(strained voice) Not giving it to you.

(Strained voice) Stop it!

You're embarrassing yourself.

Give it...


Oh, my God! Stop! (Tape recorder thuds, starts playing)

(Erica's voice) I mean, doesn't "Erica Kremp" sound perfect?

When we get married, we're gonna ski and speak French all day and have super blonde kids.


Oh, dear.

That... was not the plan.

What was the plan?

What was the plan?!


Kids, enough!

Ow! Ow!

This is so out of character for them. (Erica) Stop moving.

(Erica) Let me punch you!

(Barry) Get off me!

Kids, I told you not to punch each other in the privates.

No phone for either of you.

Ow, ow, ow!

(Erica) Stop moving! (Eric and Barry grunting)

(Erica) Eat it!

Murray, wake the (bleep) up!

(Thunder rumbling)


Well, you know, it's... it's getting late.

We should probably head out. Okay. Bye-bye now. Good time.

A week went by, and I hadn't seen Chad.

Thankfully, Pops was always there when I needed him.

Okay, and we're rolling.


What's my first line?

Oh, come on, seriously?

You got fruit punch on your suit?

Oh, it's okay.

I-I've given the character a lot of thought.

This robot loves fruit punch.

He's a messy robot.

I told you, you're not a robot.

You're a program living inside a digital computer world.

Or... instead of him going to a computer world, how about he goes to a juice world?

There's no such thing as a juice world!

But computer worlds are real?

(Sighs) Just go.

I don't know why a robot can't like juice.

Where's Chad today?

Uh... I-I don't think he's available.

What do you mean?

His mom just said we can't play together for a while.


The nerve of that woman.

I'm marching over there right now and giving her a piece of my mind.

No! Wait! Your mind is the part that scares her the most.

Promise me you won't go over there.

Please. You'll just make it worse.

All right, lovebug.

I won't go over there, I promise.

My mom was a woman of her word.

She didn't march over there.

Instead, she called. (Line ringing)

(Click) (Virginia) Hello. You've reached the Kremps.

Please leave a message and have a wonderful day.


Virginia, it's Beverly Goldberg. Pick up.

Oh, please, I see you lurking behind the curtain like a weirdo in your own home.

Would you pick up the phone already?

(Receiver clatters) So sorry, I was just in the shower.

Cut the crap and tell me why Adam can't play with Chad.

I'm sorry. Look, I just...

Think that we have different styles... different ways of speaking in front of our children, and just generally...

Different ways of being in the world.


If Chad can't play with Adam, Adam can't play with Chad.

And I could give a hoot whether or not you like me because I have buttloads of friends, okay?


(Slams down receiver)


I... kept my promise.

I didn't go over there.

(Rapid footsteps depart) And just like that, my mom had hung up on my friendship with Chad.

But we weren't the only ones getting our lines crossed.

My brother and sister's battle over the phone had stretched on another day.

But what Barry would soon realize was the fight was about to be taken outside.

I'm serious, Lainey. Drew Kremp heard everything.

I'm thinking of quitting school and skipping town.

Busted! You are so busted, and I'm telling, and Barry wins.

Mom and Dad said we couldn't use the phone in the house.

Technically... I'm outside the house.

That's very intelligent.

Give it to me! I gotta make a call!

No way! It was my idea!

Just give it to me!


Lainey, hold on!

(Bell dings)

(Strained voice) Give it... to... me.



You broke it!

Maybe you should call 9-7-6-new-phone.

Maybe you should call...

Shut up!


Are you kidding me?!

I stand by what I did.


Why are we like this?

'Cause we're a family.

That's what a family does.

All we ever do is fight, and it's exhausting.


You're not gonna throw mud back in my face?

What do I do?

Tell me, what do I do?

For the next week, my mom and Virginia Kremp avoided each other. But in a small town, you can only avoid someone for so long.

(Virginia) I knew something was wrong because when I bit into the eclair, it tasted like sour cream and pickles.

If they went bad, they went bad on your watch.

I can see why you would think that.

And normally I would never... ever, ever make a fuss.

But I did purchase these less than 24 hours ago, and I still have the receipt.

I'm not takin' these back!

Are you kidding me?!

My mom may have been able to give up on Virginia, but she couldn't give up on who she was.

Mrs. Goldberg, I-I didn't know you two knew each other.

Damn right we do. We're neighbors.

Now... go back and get her some fresh eclairs.

Or would you like a repeat...

(Loudly) Of the birthday cake fiasco?

Who writes "sorry for your loss" on a 10-year-old's birthday cake?

It was a mistake, and Victor was let go. - Yeah.

Well, that was a dark day for this store.

But it could get a lot darker.

I'll take care of it.

Sorry, ma'am. I'll fix you right up.


I know I just made a big, loud scene.

It's just what I do.

Knock, knock. Honey?

Are you in there?

(Adam) Go away. I don't wanna talk to you.

You're right. I should give you some space.

At least close the door, and don't turn on the lights.

Darkness is my only friend.

Adam, I am so sorry.

You should be sorry! Look at me!

I'm in a glow-in-the-dark unitard!

(Sighs) And Chad was the only friend that got me...

Who got this!

And you just had to ruin it...

Just because one person in this world didn't like you.

(Switch clicks)


You're the one that matters.

I'd rather have nobody like me than have you be mad at me forever.

Not forever, just for about a month and a half.


Let's see if I can shorten that up just a bit.

(Starship's "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" playing)



Whatcha doin'?


Want to finish our movie?

Yeah. Do you?

(Chuckles) Hell, yeah.

Chad, "h" word.



What the hell's the "h" word?

So I was thinking tomorrow we could go for a power walk.

And then you could come over and we could split an eclair.

Or I could come over right now, and we could each have our own eclair.

Mm... Beverly Goldberg, you are bad. (Chuckles)

I am bad. I am the worst. (Laughs)

Let's do it. (Whispers) Let's do it.


And just like that, the one person out there who didn't like my mom became her best friend.

Even my dad, who prided himself on having no friends, started to come around to the idea.

(Keys jangle) Yo.


Whatcha doin'?

Uh... nothin'.

Hey, uh...

I don't know if you're interested, but, um...

I got Eagles season tickets...

50 yard line. (Chuckles)

You around Sunday?

♪ And we can build this thing together ♪


Watching the Kremp kids get along inspired Barry and Erica to try[i] [i]something new and crazy... look out for each other.

Hey, Chad.

You want to bet I can't climb the tree in your yard?


♪ Nothing's gonna stop us ♪
♪ nothing's gonna stop us ♪
♪ now ♪
♪ whoa, oh ♪

We learned a lot from each other.

We taught them it was okay to raise your voice now and then.

I asked for paper-thin.

You gave me slices...

Thick as my thumb... not acceptable.

♪ I will stay here with you ♪

while they learned how to be more like the Goldbergs, we learned to be a little more like the Kremps.

Erica, telephone.

(Erica) What? Push the button, Mom.


It's not hard.


How many times do I have to show you how this works?

How does this stupid thing work?

Erica, telep...

Talk into the box!

Erica! Telephone!


Pick up the damn phone!

What's the matter with you? Mom?

Yep, we were different than the Kremps... not better, not worse... just... different.

Told you I could do it again.

You're so stupid for doubting me.

(Adult Adam sighs) Oh, though Barry didn't help our case.

Okay, folks. Today we're re-enacting some "Empire Strikes Back." Are you ready?

Dude, are you sure about this?

(Chuckles) Oh, I'm sure. Keep it rolling.


(Breathing heavily)

What's goin' on?


Oh, why do you always do this crap?

I'm your father!

(Voice breaking) No... That's not true.

That's impossible!

What do you mean "impossible"? (Mask clatters)

Get the hell outta here!