Transcripts - Forever Dreaming
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01x13 - The Other Smother
https://transcripts.foreverdreaming.org/viewtopic.php?f=424&t=20876
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Author:  bunniefuu [ 01/16/14 11:14 ]
Post subject:  01x13 - The Other Smother


Adult Adam: This is my mom, Beverly Goldberg, a shoulder-padded, Country-haired mother warrior Whose top priority was always her kids.

Before helicopter moms and attachment parenting, She was the original smother.

Snuggle bug, circular motions.

We've had this discussion. Just give it to me.

See?

Feel that difference? Make a bunny face.

She was all over us from early in the morning To late at night.

Who wants a sleepover snack?

[ Chuckles ]

First one to fall asleep gets their bra frozen.

Why are you in here?

She even found a way to smother us at school.

[ Gasps ]

Mom?

Don't mind me.

Soccer tryouts are this afternoon.

You need that to protect your special spot.

I know what it's for. Just leave.

But nothing put a bounce in her step more than planning our futures for us.

Oh, this is just so exciting!

So many choices... how are we ever gonna decide?!

"We"? No, I'm deciding.

Oh, if it were your decision, you'd go to Hawaii University.

Uh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

They have a college in Hawaii?

How did they get a school on an island?

Oh, my! I got to check this out!

Aloha!

What's this?

A prestigious college right in our hometown of Philadelphia?

Yeah, there's no way in hell I am living at home and going to Drexel.

Hear you loud and clear.

Hello, Drexel.

I'm Beverly Goldberg. This is Erica.

I don't want to build her up too much, but she is literally the best student that ever has been or will be.

[ Chuckles ]

Uh, besides having a great personality, she gets good grades, does Meals on Wheels, Model U.N., and is a volunteer swim instructor at the "Y."

For the love of God, stop talking!

You're parading me around like a Poodle, and it's embarrassing.

Honey, I'm your mother.

It is my job to strong-arm people into seeing how amazing you are.

Look around.

No other mothers insist on being so involved.

Betsy: Beverly!

But that wasn't true.

Her name was Betsy Rubenstone, the other smother.

She was head of the PTA, Chair of the Fall Festival and eight other parent committees.

My mom volunteered, too, but Betsy was just made better, stronger, faster.

Ah, Betsy!

Oh! Mwah!

So, what school are you thinking about for Carin?

She's already been early-accepted to Yale.

[ Clicks tongue ]

Today's all about getting a jump-start for Michael.

Isn't he a sophomore?

It's never too early.

I mean, he only has a 3.8, so I'm pushing the extracurriculars.

He's on the debate team, tours middle schools with D.A.R.E., and he was just Riff in "West Side Story."

Riff? That's... what?... Like third lead.

Michael's too busy to be Tony.

He's swamped. [ Sighs ]

He can't even be student council treasurer this year, even though he always runs unopposed.

Betsy and my mom had been at war for years over whose kids were better.

[ Ding! ]

My little science wiz. Isn't he amazing?

[ Coughing ] She built it for him.

[ Ding! ]

Betsy was winning.

Well, Barry's busy, too. Um, he makes up rap songs.

They call him Big Tasty.

And he does karate and plays harmonica and basketball.

Barry made Varsity?

More like street ball.

He plays in the street and in our driveway, which leads... to the street.

I'm not sure you can put that on a college résumé. [ Laughs ]

It's a gray area. Oh, you know.

Point is, though, he will be going to an lvy league school... probably not Yale 'cause I haven't heard great things.

Check it out... Hawaii University!

It's real, and he said they accept Americans!

[ Laughs ]

He's kidding! Oh, class clown! Kids love him.

Sense of humor... it's such a commodity in today's economy.

Hi.

Anyway, bye-bye, now.

What's the matter?

You're not going to school in Hawaii.

It's surrounded by sharks, and even if I did let you go, it would be a stretch because you don't have a single club on your résumé.

Not true.

I'm founding member of the Beat-box Club.

It's not official, but that's by choice 'cause then we'd be sellouts.

[ Beat-boxing ]

Listen, I just heard there's an opening for school treasurer... unopposed.

Think about it. It's a guaranteed...

[ Beat-boxing ] ...Wi-in.

So, I do nothing and automatically win?

Yes.

Nah.

Come on. Name your price.

8 bucks, and I get to eat in front of the TV tonight.

Deal.

Yeah!

I love politics.

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪
♪ but nonetheless I feel the need to say ♪
♪ I don't know the future ♪
♪ but the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

Back in the '80s, you couldn't just lay on your couch and stream a movie to your phone.

You actually had to spend an hour venturing to a wondrous place called a video store, and it was awesome!

Let's just make this fast, okay?

Pick a movie, and don't go behind the curtain!

The stakes were high.

If someone already rented the movie you wanted, you were out of luck.

No!!

"Temple of Doom" is checked out!

Some putz checked it out!

Just pick any movie.

Look... "Rhinestone." Rambo sings in it.

Does Rambo sing while ripping a man's heart out of his chest?

Doesn't say.

When you were out of options, there was one last Hail Mary... the return bin.

If your movie was in there, it was like winning the lottery... at least for an obsessive movie geek like me.

[ Gasps ] Yes!

I am the luckiest man alive!

Yeah, we all have our stories.

Let's just get going. Here's my card.

"Temple of Doom." Overrated.

You want to see a good film, kid, watch Bergman's "The Seventh Seal" or "Devil's Manners"... that's my student film.

It's pretty much the quintessential...

No, thank you, and let's get going.

Uh, we're in a big rush.

[ Beep ] Yeah, you have a movie out.

"Slap Shot." Overrated.

If you ask, Paul Newman should not...

I did not ask you, and I know I returned that movie.

Please check again.

I didn't realize that my computer was Hal 9000 and it could change at will and blast us out the pod bay doors.

Nothing you say makes any sense.

Please check again because I am 100% positive that I returned that movie.

You guys lost it.

Dad, I just want to watch my movie.

Okay, how much do I owe you?

To restore your account, you would have to purchase the unreturned video...

[ Beep ] ...Which would be $59.99.

That's crazy! I'm not paying that!

Come on. This is the only video store in town.

It's not like we have a choice.

We do have a choice!

I am not leaving here until you clear my account and I get my justice.

[ Keyboard clacking, computer beeping ]

What are you doing?

Just marking "Temple of Doom" as in stock.

Let's get out of here. Come on, now, now!

Is Mom here?

Yeah, she just got home.

Damn it!

Don't mind me. Just go back to your sandwich.

In that moment, Pops saw that his sweet, little granddaughter was actually a master of deception.

There's my beautiful mermaid. How was swim class?

Little Emily Goodman finally put her face in the water.

Oh, you are an inspiration.

Thanks, Mom.

I'm so proud of you.

[ Sighs ]

"Swim class... Thursday the 27th.

Emily Goodman... face in water."

Uh-oh, I'm looking at some pretty shady stuff here, and I know shady.

Okay.

I'm gonna let you in on a secret that's so gigantic that it could rock this family to its very core.

Maybe I shouldn't...

Here it is.

I've never taught a swimming lesson in my entire life, I don't do Model U.N. or Meals on Wheels, and it feels so good to finally tell someone!

Wait. You scammed your mom?

That's very risky.

How has she not been at one of your swim lessons?

I specifically chose the YMCA pool 'cause she hates it.

It's so humid, it makes her hair frizz.

And the Model U.N. thingy?

I swore I'd quit if she showed up, and she knows better than to call that bluff.

But how did you get in the yearbook?

Turns out my sister's desperation spawned a new invention...

The photo bomb.

[ Camera shutter clicking ]

And I thought she was good.

She is, but I'm better.

And I have to be, 'cause if she ever finds out, she'll kill us both.

Why am I getting killed?

'Cause you're in on it with me.

Since when?!

Since I just told you!

How did this happen?

I just came here to have a pastrami sandwich!

You better come clean with your mother before she finds out.

Or I fake-join the debate club and create a whole other level of lies!

Thanks, Pops! You're the best!

[ Gasps ]

Finally! There's my baby.

[ Sniffs ] What's that weird smell?

That's the smell of clean.

You're free to start reversing the process now.

How was school?

Sweet!

Fed a sea gull a French fry.

We're not near the ocean. How do they get there?

No, I was talking about student council.

Oh, that. Yeah.

Not happening.

What?!

Michael Rubenstone is running now.

You said this was a guaranteed win and I wouldn't have to try.

That's what I'm good at.

Since when is Michael running?

He's already got a full plate.

I'm okay with it...

Mostly 'cause I don't give a crap.

You can beat Michael Rubenstone.

I mean, what has he got that my delicious boy doesn't?

Cookies!

His mom made them, and they're the perfect mix of chewy and crunchy.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Oh, so we're baking political cookies now, huh?

You wanted war? [ Chuckles ]

You've got it, Betsy Rubenstone.

[ Sighs ]

[Bleep] That is good!


Good morning, guys.

Vote for Michael. Michael for Treasurer.

You guys know Michael, right?

Betsy Rubenstone.

We need to talk.

Beverly!

Look at you pulling off that outfit for the most part.

Cut the chitchat. I'm on to you.

You said Michael was too busy to run for treasurer.

Well, he found the time 'cause he has a passion for politics.

No, he doesn't!

All kids hate everything.

He's only running because you have it out for me.

Why don't I make Michael drop out of the race and give poor Barry the win?

No! You leave Michael in.

I'm Barry's campaign manager now, and we will crush you.

I'd love to see that.

Well, good luck.

Good luck to you.

Don't need it.

Neither do I.

Think you do.

Think you do.

Do you?

I do.

I don't.

What?

Just kidding. I don't.

Oh.

Things were really heating up between my mom and Betsy Rubenstone, while back home my dad was about to lose his cool.

Murray: Oh, what did you do with the TV guide?

My father had found the video he swore he had returned.

[ Sighs ]

So he did what any honorable man would do.

Hide the evidence.

What you doing?

Nothing.

Is that "Slap Shot"?!

Are you kidding me? You swore you returned it.

You said you were 100% positive!

I've never been 100% positive about anything in my life.

Whatever!

Let's just end this stupid feud and return the movie.

Nope, dad is gonna teach you a very valuable life lesson here, okay?

If you never admit you're wrong, you're never wrong!

Either you take that tape back to the video store or we got real problems, man!

What are you getting at?

You know what I'm getting at!

I really have no clue.

I don't either!

Just return the tape!

As Erica spun her web of lies, pops tried to avoid getting caught in it.

Pops, pops, thank God. Um, I need you to listen to this fake argument about, uh, trickle-down economics in case mom asks me about the debate team.

You're writing speeches for a debate you're not a part of?

Yes, and we need to make it good.

No "we." Stop saying "we."

"Trickle-down economics is a pejorative term used by liberal-media hacks."

This is crazy!

Wouldn't it just be easier if you actually did this stuff?

I mean, it would look great on the college résumé.

Oh, it would, but I can't.

[ Sighs ]

I'm gonna let you in on another huge secret.

No!

Here it is.

This is the opposite of what I want.

Back in freshman year when I actually did Model U.N., there was... an incident.

It was my sister's dark origin story.

Back before Erica was Erica, she was an overachieving, first-class stress case!

Senegal? Really?

Their main export is the peanut!

If I'm getting a country in Africa, I'm getting Libya!

Erica?!

I am Libya!

Hey!

I've got every country now.

Uh-huh, that's right, Patel!

[ Indistinct shouting ]

I declare a new world order!

I was such a stress case under so much pressure from Mom, Dad, my teachers, everyone.

So that's when I started hanging out with the popular kids, and you know what they do after school?

Nothing. They do nothing!

They're never stressed-out, so I quit all of it.

But aren't you just as stressed trying to keep this whole charade alive?

Oh, yeah, it's way worse!

Then just apologize and go back to being a weirdo again.

I can't do that. They hate me.

Kiddo, sometimes you just have to swallow your pride and ask for forgiveness.

[ Bell dings ]

Well, what have we here?

Just take the tape, and I no longer owe you $59.

That is correct.

[ Keyboard clacking ]

You now owe me... [ Beep ] ...$106.75.

What are you talking about? That's crazy.

Late fees... 61 days overdue times $1.75, and let's see.

Yes, definitely... a $2 rewind fee.

Just give me the movie.

No.

Come on. Give me the movie.

No.

No!

Okay, that's it. I ban you from Video Heaven.

Oh, no, no, no!

I ban you! That's right!

I am never coming in here again ever!

That's what I said. [ Bell dings ]

And "Slap Shot" is a great movie.

While my dad was losing his battle, my mom was determined not to lose hers.

Hi. Uh, can I speak to Julianne Crump, please?

Hello, Mrs. Stevens. Is your daughter Kelly there?

Okay, your son Kelly. I'm sorry.

Oh, you've already committed your... your vote to Michael Rubenstone? Huh.

Okay, what can I do to convince you to vote for Barry?

Yes, Erica is single.

[ Door opens ]

What the hell is this?

[ Gasps ] Surprise!

Get it? Vote for Barry.

Barry. Berry.

Barry.

They sound the same, and you're both delicious!

Mom. Kids like cookies!

Why don't you just bake some cookies?!

Because "cookie" doesn't work with "Barry."

Well, this doesn't work either!

That's right! I got berried!

9th grade girls threw them at me.

There's supposed to be a hierarchy.

They ignored the hierarchy!

I quit.

You can't quit.

We cannot lose this thing. Not now, not ever.

Why do you even care so much?

I don't care. Do I look like I care?

[ Scoffs ] Look how casual I am.

I don't want to be stupid treasurer.

Do you even know what a treasurer does?

A treasurer is one of the most important jobs a school has.

You get to handle all the money.

So it does involve treasure.

And you get to run the student government when the president, the vice president, and the secretary all get sick.

I want this job. What do we have to do?

You just keep being delicious.

Uh, let your campaign manager deal with all the nitty-gritty.

Here's your speech. Memorize it.

Okay.

But no more berries!

You have my word.

The next day, there were no berries in sight, but Barry was everywhere.

Have you seen this? This is so freaking embarrassing.

Oh, my God, it's you.

No, it's not.

No. No, no, no.

In what universe, in what reality would you think this is even a little bit okay?

Just look at that delicious face!

That's a face you want to eat... and vote for.

Fired! You're fired as campaign manager!

I have just fired you!

You can't fire me. I'm your mother.

Then I fire you as my mother!

If you fire me as your mother, then I have failed as a mother.

Then you've failed as a mother.

How dare you say I've failed as a mother?

You know what? I bet that Betsy Rubenstone plastered posters all over the school.

If anyone failed as a mother, it's probably her somehow.

Wait, this was never about me beating Michael, was it?

It was about you beating Betsy!

You always complain about her being overbearing and pushy.

You're way worse.

[ Poster drops ]

I was so excited for my dad to get home, I could barely enjoy my algebra homework.

What's in the bag? Tell me it's "Indiana Jones."

Even better.

Who needs a movie when you've got a video-game-machine thing?

[ Chuckles ] Are you joking with me right now?

This is Atari.

I have Nintendo. There's a difference?

Why are you giving me misguided gifts?

What happened at the video store?!

We lost her, son.

She's gone.

I went in with the best intentions, but things were said, and now we're banned for life.

Whose life... mine or yours?

The video-store guy wasn't clear about that.

How could you do this?!

You know how important movies are to me!

Well, I think what we have here is a valuable life lesson.

You know what's a lesson that I've learned?

Never count on my dad to do the right thing.

While I was a casualty of my father's war, my mom was finally gonna wave the white flag.

Oh, hi, Bev!

Love what you've done with the hair.

You make such brave choices.

Look, I come in peace.

All this bad blood, it... it's got to stop.

Uh... Barry's dropping out.

Of high school?

Of the election.

So you guys win.

So unexpected.

And yet... I knew this would happen.

[ Toto's "Africa" plays ]

Whoo!

Whoo!

Oh, winner!

[ Laughs ]

What?

Oh, no!

Oh, my God, that must mean they really loved the speech I wrote!

Yep, I, uh... I definitely think the speech helped clinch it.

This is for all you out there with overbearing parents with no sense of shame or boundaries!

Now, I don't know how this exactly ties into being a treasurer.

But I do know if I can survive the berries and the pictures of me being like this...

♪ Hurry, boy, it's waiting there for you ♪

...then I'm definitely the dude to lead this school 'cause all moms suck! Who's with me?!

♪ It's gonna take a lot to take me away from you ♪ [ Cheers and applause ]

♪ There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do ♪

We did it! We really did it!

[ Laughs ] I mean, you... you did it.

This has nothing to do with me.

♪ Gonna take some time to do the things we never have ♪

Congrats.

Thank you.

Good race.

It was.

I know.

Do you?

I do.

Drive safely.

I will.

My mom would have some tough competition along the way, but Beverly Goldberg would always be the original smother.

And Erica was finally able to embrace her original self.

♪ It's gonna take a lot to take me away from you ♪ [ Tap on door ]

Hey, I know it's been a while.

Um, I want to say I'm sorry for everything in the past.

But I'd love to be a part of Model U.N.

If you'd have me back.

You can sit next to me. Pull up a chair.

You want to be the U.S.A.? No, no, no, it's fine.

I was thinking... Senegal?

As for my dad, he learned there were very few things worth swallowing his pride for.

But his kid was one of them.

Don't talk. I know I'm wrong.

I know I'm banned. But I'm not here for me.

I'm here for someone who loves movies as much as you do.

♪ But she hears only whispers of some quiet conversation ♪

Here. [ Sighs ]

It's a video-store membership.

I'm banned. You're not.

I've prepaid for 50 movies, which should last you about a month.

♪ Hurry, boy, she's waiting there for you ♪
♪ Gonna take a lot to drag me away from you ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ gonna take some time to do the things we never have ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

Up next, "Rhinestone," starring Sylvester Stallone.

Oh, "Rhinestone"!

I hear Stallone sings in this one.

Is there nothing that man cannot do?

No! He's Rambo! He's Rocky!

He doesn't do country music.

Where's the remote? [ Sighs ]

What the...

"Temple of Doom"?!

Didn't you rent that a couple of months ago?

[ Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! ]

Oh, balls.



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