01x20 - You're Not Invited

Adult Adam: Back in the '80s, you only had three options for birthday parties -- roller skating, Chuck E. Cheese, or seeing a wildly inappropriate movie because your parents didn't know any better. And then... Everything changed!

We're playing laser tag tonight, people.

I know. It's gonna be awesome!

But you know what's gonna make it even more fun?

Protective cornea goggles.

No. No way. Why the hell do I need to protect my corneas?

Because Sue Nagleman's son lost his eye to a laser beam.

It wasn't a laser. It was a taser.

And you don't talk back to cops.

It's safe, Mom. Laser tag's for little kids.

For your information, there are many adults that enjoy playing laser tag.

I admit, they look kind of weird waiting on that single-player bench, with their desperate eyes just staring at you.

[ Sighs ] Whatever! It's fun for everyone!

But mostly dorky, little kids.

Well, I'll never be a fan of lasers, but my scrumptious, little snuggle monster gets whatever he wants on his birthday.

I want you to stop calling me "snuggle monster".

Can't give you that. But I can... give you this.

[ Singsong voice ] It's present time!

What the heck is a Sleeping Angel Book?

I've been taking pictures of you sleeping once a month since you were born, my angel, and I made it into a book.

If you flip through it, you can see how much your head has grown.

Why does it say "Sleeping Angel Part One"?

You'll find out when you go to college.

While my mom gave gifts, my dad had his own birthday tradition -- forgetting.

Hey. My foot hurts. What's for breakfast?

Well, we're celebrating you-know-who with "A"-shaped pancakes.

"A"!

[ Chuckling ] It almost slid my mind.

Al Capone!

Geraldo Rivera is opening up Al Capone's vault today live on television!

It's like my birthday.

Wow.

Okay, Murray. Stop playing around.

You know what day it is.

Yeah, of course.

It's, um...

Baby!

Baby out.

Baby day.

Baby... Birth.

Baby rocking.

Birth day.

Birthday!

My son...

Who is way more important than Al Capone.

Daddy and I also got you that, didn't we, Mur?

Yeah. Open it up. It's gonna blow your mind.

I'm not much for surprises.

How about you tell me what you got me, Mur?

Oh, no, no, no, no. It's a surprise.

Tell me what you got me.

It's a surprise.

Say it in words.

Um...

It's, uh, a-a dancing lady.

A, uh, dancing...

An angry, dancing karate-monkey.

Wow.

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪
♪ bit nonetheless I feel the need to say ♪
♪ I don't know the future ♪
♪ but the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

It was mid-April, 1980-something. I was still on an epic quest to get my first kiss from my kinda/sorta/maybe girlfriend, Dana Caldwell. Thankfully, my favorite afroed TV painter, Bob Ross, was there to break the tension.

I like the way he paints trees.

The best.

You should see what he does with cottages.

Bob Ross: ...indication here and there of some happy, little evergreen tress.

Well, I should probably get going.

Oh. Okay.

Well, I'll see you at laser tag?

Yeah. I hope I'm on your team.

I'll see what I can do, but no guarantees.

There's gonna be two captains. Could get complicated.

So...

Happy Birthday?

Up high?

Adult Adam: Sure, it wasn't my first kiss, but this double wiggly high-five was just as good, I tried to tell myself.

[ Door closes ]

Pathetic, dude.

Oh, like you could do any better.

Hell yeah, I could!

Big tasty knows how to tame the Booty with the beat.

You got to kiss her, bro!

I know!

Just -- the timing hasn't been right.

I've been busy, she's been busy.

Her family went to Sarasota.

I had that cold and that Spanish quiz.

Well, now the timing's right.

It's your birthday.

Tonight, you got to throw a full-on make-out party.

A laser tag make-out party?

Logistically, how would that even work?

No laser tag! Just make-out party!

What am I? Scott Baio?

I don't know how to throw a make-out party.

That's why you call...

[ Imitates dialing ]

Barry's make-out parties. How can I help you?

Can you tell my brother he's a giant putz?

[ Sighs ]

Okay, we turn the basement into a love den.

How? It's dark and dusty and smells like your old, sweaty hockey gear.

Pheromones, bro! Ladies love it.

And we'll light some incense, then we'll deck it out with sexy accessories Moroccan pillows, lava lamps, and bongo drums.

I'm intrigued. Go on.

And we serve the sexiest foods.

Go on.

Oysters.

Soft cheeses.

Go on.

And onion dip.

Nothing crunchy.

Know why?

Crunchy isn't sexy.

Wait.

How do you eat onion dip if you don't have anything --

Spoons!

Spoons are sexy.

You obviously know what you're talking about.

But [Sighs] how do I get Dana to kiss me?

Easy. Break the ice with games.

Twister, Truth or Dare, and the main event --

Seven Minutes in Heaven.

And you got to wear something seductive, so go to the mall, and buy the first velour clothing you see.

That's the sexiest of all fabrics.

Velour. Got it.

I was so desperate for my first kiss that Barry was actually making sense.

Meanwhile, my dad was desperate to watch some "Geraldo".

[ Door closes ]

Mmm! Smells great in here!

Yeah, I went to the South street ltalian market in honor of the opening of Al Capone's vault.

Truly, it's the most exciting thing to happen to me in the past 20 years. What about your kids?

Oh, they're not gonna be here.

Oh.

Adam's got a thing tonight.

A thing?

It's his birthday party.

Tell me at least you remembered it this year.

Ah.

It's not whether or not I remembered.

It's whether he thinks I remembered.

I don't think you remembered.

There's the man I'm looking for.

Happy Birthday, kiddo.

Holy God.

A digital Pac-Man watch? Do you like it?

Uh, it's a video game on my wrist!

I love it!

Thanks, Pops.

You are the greatest man I've ever known.

Literally the greatest man.

What was that all about?

Did you not give him a gift?

It's not whether I got him a gift, it's whether he thinks I got him a gift.

Adam: I don't!

Murray, you do this every year.

For once, just get hom something!

Everybody knows that I'm not good at birthdays or giving gifts or remembering events.

It's my thing!

Well, you're missing out.

I mean, did you see the look on Adam's face when I gave him that Puckman watch thing?

Pure joy!

That's why we should say the watch is from both of us.

Just go get the kid a damn gift already!

While my dad had to suck it up and get me a gift, I was about to hurt my mom worse than having all her leg hair yanked out by an Epilady.

Whoops! Ooh, I'll come back.

No, it's fine, boopie.

[ Buzzing ] Good.

'Cause I was thinking, instead of laser tag, maybe me and my friends could hang out in the basement and watch "Ghostbusters".

What? I'm not canceling laser tag.

[ Buzzing stops ]

They wanted a $100 deposit until I yelled at the guy to waive it.

I know it's last minute, but I really want this.

I guess I could make a "Ghostbusters" cake.

Yeah... I'm also thinking no cake.

No cake?

No cake.

No cake?!

No cake.

If there's no cake, then I can't hug you and sing "Happy Birthday".

Which works out well, 'cause I'm also thinking no song and... no you.

Then I wouldn't be there.

Uh-huh.

I have to be there.

Look, starting with this birthday, everything changes.

I'm like an adult now.

But --

This is my special day.

[ Sighs ] Please, Mama?

I only pulled out the "Mama" when it was absolutely necessary, and when I did, she was putty in my hands.

Okay, fine.

Sad, boring, cakeless, songless, momless basement party it is.

With my mother successfully neutralized, my make-out bash was a go.

I scored everything on Barry's sexy checklist, right down to the velour shirt.

And that last smooth soul jam was dedicated to all you lovers in the crowd.

You know who you are.

Why is he nodding at us?

No idea.

Stop nodding at us!

Turns out, make-out parties are awesome in theory, but awkward in reality.

Next up is Twister, y'all!

Hope you stretched, 'cause it's abouto get real bendy in here.

So, um, what happened to laser tag?

I just thought this might be more fun.

Oyster?

Mnh.

Soft cheese?

Oh, wow. That's really stinky.

You know it.

[ Cheese thuds ] Check this out.

Moroccan pillow.

Boop!

Oh, it's hard.

Sorry.

And with that, the best night of my life had officially become a kissless, velour nightmare.

Amazingly, my mom took my momless party in stride.

This is madness.

Or not.

I mean, what boy wants a basement party?

There's no pin the tail on the donkey, no balloons, no cake.

You know what? Screw it.

Give me the phone book. I'm calling a [Bleep] clown.

No! Stop!

No clown.

I know my son.

He needs me down there.

I can literally feel him call me to bring him this festive platter of bagel bites.

You promised Adam.

I'll bring him the stupid bagel bites.

Gimme.

You stay put.

The last thing Erica wanted was for my overbearing smother to ruin my party.

But then she saw the soft, pink mood lighting... and the gooey, sexy foods?

And chachi!

And just like that, my sister went into full mom mode.

What the hell is happening here?

Looks like a love dungeon in a serial killer's house.

It's a make-out party, and I got to say, bagel bites?

Not sexy. Get 'em out of here.

'Sup, Erica? Didn't know you'd be here.

Okay, get your body away from me, Dave Kim.

Seriously?

This whole thing is upsetting and wrong.

And it has to stop right now.

Okay, this is all I could find for spin the bottle, but it's completely full.

Barry to the rescue.

I'll take it down. My body loves calcium.


That day, my brother found out the hard way it's physically impossible to drink that much milk.

[ Sighs ]

Is this from a cow?

Why is it so hard?

[ Exhales sharply ]

My body says no, but...

I'm gonna do this for you guys.

Erica: Are you kidding me?

Spin the bottle, mood lighting, and velour?

This isn't you.

Can we talk about this later?

You're kind of giving off a... Mom vibe.

I am not Mom!

I will never be Mom!

Now, take these bagel bites and blow on them three times or they'll scald your little mouth, and get away from me, Dave Kim!

Okay. I'm gonna need you to leave my party.

Oh!

Oh, I'm leaving.

I'll go up there and tell Mom all about your creepy freak fest.

Hold on.

You win, okay?

At least let me tell her.

And it's just I thought I knew what kind of party I wanted.

[ Sighs ] But I realize now --

What is it, honey? I really want a cake!

Something that reminds me of my childhood.

It would make me so happy, but now it's too late...

Mama.

[ Pan clangs ] Oh!

Mama's here, baby.

Mama's going to the store right now.

Mama will be back in 20 minutes.

Wait. Mom!

Out of my way!

I want Bert and Ernie!

Anything for my birthday boy.

[ Door opens, closes ]

Well, that was good.

But you leave me no choice.

When Mom gets back, I'm gonna tell her everything.

Oh, I don't think so.

Unless you want her to hear what happened at the Winter Formal.

What?

And when you were on that ski trip.

What?

Three words -- South Padre lsland.

What? - I have been the coolest little brother in the world until now.

You keep my secret, I'll keep yours.

Now, do we understand each other?

Yes!

Good.

While my sister was trying to figure out a way to end my party, Barry was doing all he could to keep it chugging along.

Are you almost done?

People are starting to lose interest in spin the bottle. [ Sighs ]

I'm trying!

Son of a bitch! This thing is bottomless!

[ Electronic gunfire ] That bottle wasn't the only thing bottomless.

Murray: Pew! Pew!

Just then, my dad decided to pick the worst moment to finally give me my birthday gift.

Where's the man of the hour?!

Dad, what the hell? You're not wearing any pants!

Oh, they know how it works around here.

You notice anything else?

[ Electronic gunfire ]

Laser tag!

I bought a bunch for you and your friends.

Yeah. Great. Now please leave.

I just went and bought you the thing you wanted most in the world.

[ Electronic gunshot ]

You could at least give me a thumbs-up, a thank-you, a look of appreciation.

Happy?

That's a fake smile, and you know it.

It's not a fake smile. It's got teeth and everything.

I hate that smile!

I don't even like laser tag, okay?

Want to get me a present?

Go.

My dad finally bought me a gift from the heart, and I flat-out rejected him.

I was sacrificing everything for that kiss, and nothing would stop me.

[ Gags ]

Hah! Hah! It burns!

[ Sighs ] Can I get some milk?

[ Exhales sharply ]

Seriously?!

Now you ask me?

You're unb-- [ Belches ]

I got to go. I got to go.

I had neutralized Erica with threats and my mother with cake, but I knew that wasn't gonna hold them off forever.

Is the cake ready yet?

I mean, how much more baking do you need to do already?

Get off my back, Erica.

I'm a mother, not a pastry chef.

Ugh. This looks like "Sloth" from "The Goonies".

Why is it so hard to make an oblong Bert head?

No, no, no, no! Don't start over!

[ Scoffs ] Just go downstairs right now and see what's going on, okay?

No, I can't barge in.

What do you mean you can't barge in?

That's all you do!

I finally made some headway with Adam.

He asked for a cake.

If I play my cards right, I can get some huggies when we sing "Happy Birthday"!

[ Chuckles ]

Mom, do you remember the time that you snuck in the basement and spied on me and Lainey drinking mango madness wine coolers and then grounded me for two months?

Yes. That was a good day.

Okay, well, I need you to go downstairs.

And just in case Adam does mention something about South Padre lsland, he's a liar.

And I'm sorry.

While my meddling smother plotted her next move, the plot thickened outside Al Capone's vault.

Geraldo Rivera: ...The real secret tunnel.

I can't believe it that little moron ruined Al Capone's vault for me.

Stop it, Murray.

In 10 minutes, he's gonna blow open that vault and with it, our minds.

How am I supposed to enjoy it?

I don't buy Adam a gift, he's pissed at me.

I buy him a gift, he's even more pissed at me.

I can't win.

Our baby grew up so fast, didn't he?

It's, like, one minute, he's this little, four-eyed dork.

Then you blink, and he's a man.

A man with needs.

What's happening?

I miss that little lovebug. That's what's happening.

Oh, my God. I am Mom!

You are, and I got to tell you, it's a real downer.

You know how many gifts my dad bought me growing up?

Zero.

That's all I got from that man -- nothing.

Do you think it hurt? Damn right, it hurt.

Oh, my God!

Why are you coming to terms with this now?

They're about to blow the safe!

See, that's why I don't give gifts.

It's all a sham.

I wish we could just stop time, you know?

And keep him our special, little boy forever.

Okay. That's it.

I'm watching TV upstairs.

No one follow me.

Adult Adam: While my dad and sister were having a breakdown, my mom was plotting a break-in.

My God, she was like a silent, manicured, nosy ninja.

Smooth move, Adam.

It's not my fault. It's too big a bottle.

It's meant for milk, not spinning.

Maybe we should just go.

No! [ Chuckles nervously ]

Don't go.

How about, uh, Seven Minutes in Heaven?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's your birthday, dude, so you pick first.

This kiss was my Al Capone's vault.

The buildup was excruciating, and it was finally time to get it over with.

Dana, I guess?

Um... Okay.

Even though my big moment was here, I was blissfully unaware that the other woman in my life had crashed my party.

[ Beeping ]

Are you playing Pac-Man?

No, I-I'm trying to set the timer.

The directions are in Japanese.

It's very complicated.

Oh.

There we go.

We're on the clock.

Are you sweating?

It's the velour shirt. It doesn't breathe.

It reminds me of my Nana's robe.

[ Chuckles ]

So...

We got 6:38 left.

What are you thinking?

I guess we could, um, you know.

Okay.

Let's... You know.

[ Snort ]

What's wrong?

Me? I thought that was you.

Uh...

Hi, Poopie.

Oh, my God.

Hey, Dana.

Oh, my God!

Wow. That is an adorable dress.

[ Gasps ]

I was just seeing if the ski boots were all where they're supposed to be, and, uh [Clicks tongue] they are.

Dana!

I don't want to talk to you.

Wait. Just give me a sec.

Your mom was in our Seven Minutes in Heaven!

I'm sorry. This whole thing has been a complete disaster.

Why'd you even throw this stupid party?

What was wrong with laser tag?

Nothing! I love laser tag.

Then why didn't we just play laser tag?

You big idiot.

[ The Cure's "Just Like Heaven" plays ]

You're right. I am an idiot.

Let's just play laser tag.

[ Electronic gunfire, children shouting playfully ]

That night, my worst birthday ever became the best.

Yeah, we all wanted that first kiss, but for one more night, we were all happy to keep on being kids.

What a little dork.

Thank God.

Dad!

[ Electronic gunshot ]

Best gift ever!

Albert: See that smile?

That's it! That's the look!

Come on. Let's go see that handsome devil open that vault.

Oh, just tell me what happens.

[ Electronic gunfire, music continue ]

It seems, at least up to now, that we've struck out with the vault.

I'm disappointed about that, as I'm sure you are.

Adult Adam: Turns out, Al Capone's vault was empty.

All that buildup and no payoff.

Poor mustachioed b*st*rd.

Hi.

We're just taking a break.

Oh. I just finished the cake.

It's terrible, isn't it? I should just start over.

No! I love it.

♪ You ♪
♪ lost and lonely ♪

Let's eat.

Happy Birthday, snuggle monster.

♪ ...the deepest oceans ♪

Thanks, Mama.

♪ You're just like a dream ♪
♪ You're just like a dream ♪

There's too many of them.

You run, I'll cover you.

[ Electronic gunfire ]

Gotcha!

[ Distorted ] No!

[ Electronic warbling ]

You saved me.

I...guess I did.

♪ I opened up my eyes ♪
♪ I found myself alone, alone ♪
♪ Alone above a raging sea ♪
♪ That stole the only girl I loved ♪
♪ And drowned her... ♪

Even though Al Capone's vault may have been a complete letdown, some things in life are as amazing as you'd hoped they'd be.

[ Ding! ]

[ Ding! ]

Adam: Who should I kiss?

Come on, Adam!

She's not gonna let me kiss --

Okay.

As student council treasurer, we should go over the budget first, and then, if we have time, talk bake sale.

Why exactly are we meeting down here?

No reason.

Soft cheese? Oyster?

Not you, Sanjeev.

Let's begin, shall we?

Unfortunately, there's no chairs, so we're gonna have to sit in a circle on the floor.

Oh! Look!

A bottle!

Here's a crazy idea.

Spin the bottle!

I'll go first.

Bagel bites?