02x05 - Family Takes Care of Beverly

[bunniefuu]

Adult Adam: Halloween in the '80s...

The one day a year you could wear what you want, go where you want, eat what you want, and nothing could stop me in my Voltron costume.

Except my "smother."

Oh! Come on. That's my Halloween candy. Let me just eat it already.

Not until we take it to the hospital and have it x-rayed.

Ellen Shorstein's son found a handful of aquarium gravel in an almond cluster. Tore his braces right off.

That was one of the many urban legends back then.

There was no Google or Wikipedia, so you believed every stupid rumor you heard, like Bigfoot lived in upstate New York or Mr. Rogers was the world's most deadly sn*per or there was a ghost in "Three Men And A Baby."

We actually believed if you played Led Zeppelin, Beatles, or the Stones Backwards, you could hear hidden satanic messages.

(Garbled speech)

Did you hear that? He said he loves Satan!

You know what I love? Silence!

Stop screwing with my record player!

But the most epic urban legend of them all was that cola became a lethal poison when mixed with a particular exploding candy.

Oh!

Aah!

Stupid Barry! Why?!

Oh, my God.

You were seconds from death, and I saved you!

What are you talking about?

Hello!

When the bubbles in the soda mix with the expl*sives in the pop rocks, it triggers a chain reaction that melts your insides!

Shut up. It does not.

Well, tell that to Mikey.

Who's Mikey?

Both: Who's Mikey?

Barry: God, you know nothing.

Mikey, the spokesboy for life cereal.

You know, he likes it. Mikey likes it.

Well, he did until he mixed pop rocks and soda, then he exploded.

Oh, please. He did not.

Wait!

I just saved your life.

What?

According to the way of the samurai, you're my servant until the debt is repaid.

That's not a thing.

Oh, it is. It's the Bushido code.

Well, that sounds like complete bull-shido.

It's ancient history written in stone! You have no choice!

I'm not anyone's sl*ve. You didn't save my life.

And it's not real.

All right, then.

If you're so certain it's not real, then do it.

Do it!

Aah! What the hell?!

What are you, nuts?

Mikey gave his life so that that would never happen again!

Ugh!

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪
♪ but nonetheless I feel the need to say ♪
♪ I don't know the future ♪
♪ but the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

It was October 31, 1980-something, the year my grandfather, A.K.A. Burt Reynolds, threw the most epic Halloween bash his condo building had ever seen.

All right, let's get this party started!

Who wants flaming pumpkin sh*ts?

(Cheering)

Ah! Trick or treat, baby.

Sure, pops almost b*rned the place down, but he only cared about one thing.

Fun party.

Okay.

I smoothed everything over.

So I can stay?

Oh, God, no. Your landlord's kicking you out.

But you're not going to jail.

Don't worry. You can move in with us.

Roomies! We can finally be roomies!

Kiddo, I don't want to cramp your style.

What if you bring a girl back to the room?

We both know that's not gonna happen.

Let's go get a bag packed.

Beverly: Finally!

All my boys under one roof! It's happening!

No. I know that look in your eye.

You want your dad to live with us forever.

Murray, that's a great idea!

Stop making me feel good! He's not staying!

Bevy, it's time we discussed other options.

Stop it right there.

I have said this a thousand times.

We're not moving my dad into a home.

Shady Willows is not a home.

It's a leisure community for active seniors.

I don't trust Shady Willows. "Shady" is in the name.

That's because old people love shade.

They have trees. They have umbrellas.

You name it, they got it.

Taco Tuesdays, fajita Fridays! It's all there!

That is way too much Mexican food for him.

You're not to mention this to him. Do you understand?

Family takes care of family. End of story.

Damn it!

I'm working my ass off trying to get people to move out of our house.

Stop trying to move people in!

Let's compromise, okay?

Until we figure something out, dad can crash in the attic.

Ha ha! Good luck getting him to move up there.

It's hot, it's dusty, and it's covered with bat doody.

Son of a bitch.

You got that right.

How'd you pull this off in two days?

Oh, it was nothing.

I just dusted, moved some boxes, drywalled, did a little electrical work, added a bay window.

You know, mother's touch.

As my mom was busy moving in pops, Barry was moving in on Lainey in the hopes to get busy.

88, 89, 100. Man, exercise does this body good.

Time for a cool-down.

What are you drinking?

Pepto.

Set the Abba-Zaba record at lunch today.

My boys bet me 10 bucks I couldn't eat 8.

Took down 12.

Are you trying to impress me by eating Halloween candy?

Not trying. If it happens, so be it.

Goodbye.

(Door opens)

Later, Lainey! (Door closes)

Wow. You are the worst.

That's not what Lainey thinks.

She kissed me, remember?

And now there's so much electricity between us, all hot and crackling.

Kind of like pop rocks.

Speaking of which, remember how I saved your life?

No.

According to the Bushido code, you must repay me.

Last night, I figured out what I want.

Get me the girl.

No!

Just one date!

Talk to her! Bushido code!

Talking won't help.

Lainey doesn't like anything about you.

Bushido code! You must do this!

Oh, my God.

If I do this, will you stop saying "Bushido code"?

According to Bushido code, yes.

Fine. I'll tell her to go have some pizza with you.

Yes! First step, pizza.

Second step, we express our love physically.

Third step.

Ow.

That is not the way of the samurai!

As Barry was laying down the laws of the Bushido code, my dad was laying down some laws of his own.

Okay, now that she's moved in your giant speakers and your king-size waterbed, it's time to go over the rules of the house.

These are more like suggestions, nothing hard and fast.

Rule number 1... Do not touch the thermostat.

Touch it?

You've already taped it off like a crazy person.

Rule number 2... What's ours is yours.

Rule number 3... Ignore rule number 2.

What's mine is mine.

Rule 4... No coming in after 10:00.

10:00 in the morning or 10:00 in the evening?

Why would anyone come in at 10:00 in the morning?

Why would anyone come in at 10:00 in the evening?

Rule number 5...

Mandatory hugs every time you walk through the door.

Rule 6... No loud music, no parties.

Are these written down somewhere?

I-I'm kind of losing track.

Okay, rule 6 1/2... We love you.

That's not even a rule!

Everyone, just relax.

You've opened your home to me, and I'm gonna respect your wishes.

You see, honey? This is gonna be great.

And with that, we had a new family member under our roof.

Fortunately, this one was a responsible adult who would never disobey my dad's insane rules.

Or not.

Max! It's on Max!

(Jazz music playing loudly) He touched it!

He touched the thermostat!

God only knows how much money we b*rned in cold air!

I'll bake him some cookies and talk to him about it.

No cookies! Do you hear that loud music?

He's breaking all of my rules!

Here. This will take the edge off.

Why are you bringing me a delicious Martini right now?

Pops is schooling me in the art of mixology so I can bartend his parties.

Unacceptable! All of this is unacceptable!

Get rid of this.

He's just testing our boundaries.

If we push him too hard, he'll rebel more.

You're talking about him like he's one of our dumb kids, but he's not!

He's worse! I can't ground him!

My dad had reached his boiling point.

Unfortunately, he didn't know pops was on a hot date.

Albert! Turn it off! (Woman screams)

Oh, my God! (Thud)

This is not my fault.

I had a necktie hanging on the door.

When a necktie's on the door, the pants are on the floor.

Everyone knows that.

I can't unsee what I just saw.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

It was like a couple of hairless cats fighting in a pile of pizza dough.

It was a very bad low angle.

That's it, Bevy. He's going to Shady Willows.

Wait. Shady Willows is on the table?

Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.

Murray, we agreed not to mention that place.

Why not? I love it there.

No! Family takes care of family, and I am not gonna let a few tiny mishaps change that.

Aah!

It appears I have popped another waterbed while entertaining a female friend.

You should go.

I should go.

All right. That's the last of it.

(Sighs)

Let's get you to Shady Willows.

And step on it so I don't miss salsa class.

(Engine turns over) That place is crawling with hot widows.

No!

(Sighs)

He's not leaving! You'll have to run me over!

Just nudge her a bit. She'll move.

I'm not gonna hit her with the car, Al.

Not hit. Nudge.

Shame on you.

Family takes care of family.

You keep saying that, but that's what we're doing.

We're taking your dad to a place he wants to be.

And then what?

We teach our kids it's okay to abandon us, to just pack up our bags and throw us out on an ice floe and let us drift off into nothingness?

This sounds like you're more concerned with what this means for you.

No, this has nothing to do with my greatest fear of being alone when I'm old.

This is about family.

Oh!

So that's why you're against this.

You're afraid that our stupid children will put you into a home.

Don't spin this around on me.

This is about my father, about my mantra...

Family takes care of Beverly.

I mean family. You know what?

That was a bad slip, and I admit that.

Put your seat belt on. I'm gonna nudge her.

Good for you.

(Tires screech)

Don't you nudge me.

Oh, I'm nudging you!

Don't you nudge me!

You've been nudged!

This isn't over, not by a long sh*t, mister!

I will (Bleep)

(Bleep)

(Bleep)

So!

Saw you talking to Lainey this morning.

We all set?

What are you wearing?

It's my fanciest Flavor Flav clock.

Or should I go digital? Show her I'm a modern man.

Put your clock back on your nightstand.

I talked to Lainey about this weekend.

It's a no-go.

Oh, it's a scheduling issue?

Tell her I'm available Monday through Friday and every other weekend ever plus all other weekdays.

Yeah, no, that's not the issue.

She thinks you're...

How do I put this gently?... gross.

What?!

Did you tell her I can bench 200?

Yep.

Did you tell her I can pop like three wheelies in a row?

I did.

Did you tell her I'm a self-taught dancer?

She was not impressed.

Did you tell her that I give no excuses and take no prisoners?

No dice.

Did you tell her I'm silky smooth but cut from steel?

Totally.

Did you tell her I can kick as high as my head and I used to own a python?

I told her everything. No go.

I thought... I actually had a sh*t.

Aw...

You don't.

I'm never gonna find a girl.

Seriously, I'm gonna be alone forever.

It's not fair!

Stop being so dramatic.

Bushido code.

I've been rejected and shamed.

Let these pop rocks and soda be the sword that brings me an honorable samurai death.

I talked to the science teacher. It's not real.

Well, tell that to the chemical reaction happening in my mouth right now.

This is science.

While Barry had given up on his future, my mom was trying to secure hers.

Hey, snuggle bear.

Came to cheer you up. I know how upset you must be.

About what?

Well, I don't want you to think in this family we abandon our parents.

Pops should be living here, just like how I'm gonna be living with you.

Wait. What?

Since when are you living with me?

What about Erica?

Lovely girl, but deal with those mood swings?

No, thank you.

Well, then go live with Barry.

Oh, sweetie, it's more than likely we'll be taking care of him.

What? So now I'm taking care of you and Barry?

Just me. We'll find a place for Barry.

Maybe the merchant marine or a commune.

Why does Barry get to live on a commune while I'm stuck with you?

Hon, not just me. You'll have your lovely wife and four beautiful boys for support.

No way. I won't have room for you, too.

Well, we'll convert the garage into a cozy, little in-law suite.

The garage is my space!

That's where I watch movies and display my collectible figurines.

Oh, you can move all that down to the basement.

So now I'm getting banished down to the basement?

I work my ass off, and this is all I get?

Fine. Take the garage.

I'll just live down in the basement like a mole person.

Is that what you want?

Why can't you just stay in a hotel and visit every once in a while?

A hotel?

Where the maid can steal my jewelry and someone can break in and clonk me on the head?

Fine! Don't visit, then!

Oh, I know where this is coming from.

Your wife.

You said she was lovely!

When it's convenient for her.

Why are we even talking about this?!

I'm just a little boy!

Where are you going, young man?

To stay with pops! You're crazy.

While I headed down to Shady Willows, my mom headed up to my treehouse to contemplate her future.

What are you doing up here?

I needed to eat my feelings, and this is where Adam hid his Halloween candy from you.

Anything good left?

Just these awful circus peanuts.

Yeah, nobody wants those.

Just like me.

I'm the circus peanut of mothers.

What are you talking about?

Adam won't let me live with him when I'm old.

God knows Erica won't take me in.

So looks like this is where I'm gonna spend my golden years, right up here in this treehouse.

Well, what about Barry?

Oh, well, you've solved that problem.

Please reserve me the master suite in his rap mansion in the clouds.

Trust me, Bevy. Our kids will never abandon you.

How do you know?

Look at how well you treat your own dad.

You think they don't notice that?

Well, I guess I am pretty blatant with my love.

Of course you are.

And it's like you always say. Family takes care of family.

And speaking of which, I could use some help getting down from here.

(Chuckles)

No.

My mom may have been kidding, but Barry's love for Lainey was no joke.

(Gasps) Lainey!

Okay.

Before you say anything, just hear me out.

I know Erica gave you the big sell on me, but I can't just give up on us without a fight.

What's happening?

I'm-a tell you what's happening.

JTP, drop the b*at.

(Beatboxing)

♪ I'd do anything for a girl named Lainey ♪

Yeah!

♪ I'll punch a tiger, swim the Allegheny ♪
♪ I know it's creepy 'cause I'm her best friend's brother ♪
♪ but I love her, and we should be together ♪
♪ like Joanie loves chachi, Tango loves cash ♪
♪ she the Turner to my hooch ♪
♪ I'll be the bangers in your mash ♪

Oh, my God! Stop! (Beatboxing stops)

Don't stop!

(Beatboxing resumes)

♪ "L" to the "y" to the "n" to the "e" ♪
♪ that spells Lainey, that's a rap from big taste-y ♪

First of all, you spelled my name horribly wrong.

And secondly, Erica never talked to me about you.

What?! But...

She said that...

Erica swore to me!

We had an agreement!

She talked me up, but you said no.

Yeah, that didn't happen.

In that moment, Barry knew the next thing he said had to be perfect.

Lies.

You have no honor whatsoever!

I'm okay with that.

Don't you walk away from me.

I saved your life.

Ow.

And this is how you repay me?

You should be thanking me. I was just trying to spare your feelings.

I didn't expect you to do some love rap to Lainey about Turner and Hooch.

They weren't even a couple, dude.

One is a dog.

That dog took a b*llet for Tom Hanks!

That's love!

Aah! I'm in so much pain!

Yeah, yeah. Your heart is broken.

Just stop with the dramatics.

No!

There's something wrong with my insides! Aah!

Oh, no. Oh, God, it's happening!

Pop rocks and cola! I'm Mikey!

It's not real!

Oh, this is real.

It just took longer to take me down 'cause my body's in peak condition.

Oh, yeah.

You did this to me.

This is on you!

Barry.

Get up!

Barry?

As Barry was rushed over to the E.R., my mom rushed to fetch me from pops' new luxurious retirement community.

Hi, daddy. Can I come in?

There's no tie on the door. You're good to go.

Beverly: Wow. You did all this?

Hey, you get it from somewhere.

Are you sure you'll be okay here?

Bev, this is where I belong.

Good food, good people.

And you wouldn't believe how far a full head of hair will get you in here with the ladies.

Well, I'm happy for you.

And, uh, thanks for looking after Adam.

Ah.

A little time away was the best thing for him.

Adam: Ahh!

Just took a good schvitz. Oh, and I ran into lrma.

She invited us over to play some gin rummy.

Uh, sweetie, I think it's time to come home.

No. I'm never coming home.

This place has a sauna, an early-bird dinner at 4:30, and a seat in every shower.

All my life, I have been washing my body standing up like a yutz.

He's only been here for two hours.

Well, the kid knows a good thing when he sees it.

(Snaps fingers)

(Modern English's "I Melt With You" plays)

Wow. An obstructed bowel.

Didn't see that coming.

Who knew eating 12 full-sized Taffy bars and drinking all that pink goop would block me up.

Most people.

So, after all of that, you saved my life for real.

I did, didn't I?

Stupid Bushido code.

Now I'm forever in your debt.

Actually, I thought today I'd be the one to do you a favor.

In the end, for Erica, it wasn't about the Bushido code.

It was about being a good big sister.

♪ I'll stop the world and melt with you ♪
♪ you've seen the difference ♪
♪ and it's getting better ♪

Hey.

♪ All the time ♪

Hi.

I've got to make a phone call.

♪ Dream of better lives, the kind which never hate ♪

So, how's your butt?

Horrible.

But it's not even the worst part of my week.

Yeah. About that love rap...

Let's just forget it ever happened.

Know what? No.

I said it, and I stand by it.

Oh. Well, your persistence is misguided and annoying, but kind of cute.

♪ I'll stop the world ♪

So, I heard this place has really good pizza.

You want to grab a slice?

I can't eat for another 24 hours...

♪ You've seen the difference ♪

But I can sit with you.

♪ And it's getting better all the time ♪

Hey. Kind of early for bedtime.

Well, eating dinner at 4:30 kind of threw me off.

Oh. Um, you want some tucks?

I'm too old for tucks.

Listen.

I'm sorry I freaked you out.

It's not your job to take care of me.

It's my job to take care of you.

But what's gonna happen when I grow up?

Well, we have a long time to figure that out, shmoopie.

A long time.

Sure you don't want a tuck?

Maybe a little one.

♪ There's nothing you and I won't do ♪
♪ I'll stop the world... ♪

Hey, mom?

I'm sure when the time comes, I'll find some space for you in my house.

Really?

Yeah. I'll always make room for you.

(Sighs)

Sure, we had our differences, but my mom was right.

Family takes care of family, and that's no urban legend.

Got to admit, this is my first date in a hospital.

Wait. This is a date?

Well, pity date.

I'll take it.

And without family, Barry's worst day wouldn't have become his best day.

(Door opens) Beverly: There you are!

And then his worst day.

My delicious little baby, I am so sorry I wasn't home when they called.

Mom, please!

Your poor, clogged bottom.

Nurse! Nurse!

Man: Say something for the camera.

I love him. I love him. Mwah!

(Coughs)

Don't worry. Mama's got this.

Arms up. Arms up.

(Coughs)

Dude! You just, like, saved my life!

Thank you.

You don't have to thank me. It's my job!

But according to Bushido code, you will have to re-pay me.

You know about Bushido code?

Oh, I watched Shogun. That Richard Chamberlain...

Meow.

Fine.

What you want?

I want snuggies.

Oh, come on!

I want huggies, and cuddlies and smoochies.

No!

I wanna.

No!

I wanna.

I choose a warrior's death instead. Put the taco back in my mouth!

Bushido code! You have no honor!