02x10 - DannyDonnieJoeyJonJordan

Adult Adam: If being sentimental were a sport, my mom would've gone pro.

Each moment of our lives was documented, decorated, and preserved forever in one of her many creepy scrapbooks.

Aw. [Chuckles]

His little body's changing.

You said that was to show the dermatologist! Lies!

My dad, on the other hand, wasn't quite as sentimental about us.

Bye, dad.

Have fun at camp or college or wherever it is you're going.

It drove him crazy that my mom would commandeer the garage to obsessively save every little piece of artwork, doodle, and drawing that we have ever done.

[Sighs heavily]

It accrued slowly over time until that fateful day of the great Goldberg avalanche.

Aah!

Are you kidding me?!

Oh! Damn it!

Help!

Bevy! [Horn honking]

I could've been killed!

Oh, poop!

You ruined Adam's jelly bean diorama of custer's last stand.

Poopies!

That's it. I'm cleaning this whole place out.

No! Where am I gonna hide my six-pack of... homework.

And the magazines I'm holding for a friend.

Hide it in the woods like every other kid!

All this crap has got to go!

It's not crap.

Every box is filled with priceless family memories, each one more valuable than the next.

Bevy, we are drowning in our children's art projects.

You have literally kept every drawing, every doodle, every macaroni necklace they have ever made.

Did you know that Albert Einstein's first macaroni necklace just sold for over $1 million?

Einstein, huh? Which child would that be?

Hey, bar?

Ugh!

Ew!

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪
♪ but nonetheless I feel the need to say ♪

The Goldbergs - 02x10 DannyDonnieJoeJonJordan

♪ I don't know the future ♪
♪ but the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

It was January 7, 1980-something, and Erica was finding a new and exciting way to torture us.

Ha! Look, it's Barry's baby helmet.

No! I thought we gave that back to the institute.

You were so cute with your little flat head.

I used to rest my kool-aid on you.

Well, my head's perfectly round now.

Oh, my gosh. It's a picture of you all helmeted up.

This is gonna look great in the yearbook.

No, please, show mercy.

Yep, my sister had a gift for making our lives a living hell.

The more public the humiliation, the better.

Hey! [Giggles]

Why?!

You wore tear-away pants. This is on you.

[Singsongy] Hey, Adam.

Oh, balls!

It's your potty pal, remember?

Mom bought him for you because you thought monsters lived in the toilet.

They weren't monsters!

They were toilet trolls.

[Baby voice] Aw, is pudgy wittle Adam still too scared to make poo-poos now, huh?

Oh, like you're so perfect with all your... your trophies.

And your "A" papers, and your... your framed commendation from the mayor?

Seriously?

Yeah, nice try.

Well, let's see what treasures lie in this box.

Nothing to see here, bye-bye.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

It's an old box of your new kids on the block stuff.

You still love them.

[Scoffs] No, I'm way too old to like boy bands.

Then I'll throw them away for you.

No! Don't touch them! They're mine!

Yep, long before One Direction and N Sync, there was the original boy band...

New Kids on the Block.

You still love the new kids. You love 'em.

You're lame. You're so lame!

No, you guys are lame sacks of...

Just shut up!

Damn it!

She got away with all our ammo!

Not all of it.

How?

Sleight of hand.

And you thought magic camp was for dorks.

I still do, but good work.

After years of one-sided torture, we finally got some ammo.

Oh, hey, guys.

Adam: And it would change everything.

It's Erica Goldberg, your number one fan.

[Laughs] And I wanted to make this video so that you could see firsthand how much I love you and wanna marry you. [Giggles]

But not all of you. Just you, Jonathan.

In fact, I wrote a song about you.

So I'm gonna... I'm gonna sing it for you.

♪ Jonny ♪
♪ Jonny, Jonny ♪
♪ I love you ♪

[Crying]

I love you so much! [Sobbing]

I do! I-I love you!

♪ I love you ♪

[High-pitched voice] I love you so much!

I always knew one day a good thing would happen to me.

And that day is now.

I love you so much!

Do you know what this means?

Her reign of terror is finally over.

And we must annihilate her.

Absolutely.

Don't steeple your fingers. I'm steepling mine!

We can't both do it.

If anybody should be steepling, it should be me.

Your fingers are weird.

What?

No, they're not. What are you talking about?

How's that weird? How can you say that with a straight face?

I don't think it's that weird, man.

They're like witch's fingers.

Adult Adam: Meanwhile, my dad had laid down the law.

My mom was allowed to fill a single trunk with our art.

Sadly, it didn't have infinite space.

Bevy, we've been at this for hours.

Please move it along. Come on.

Oh! Adam's family portrait from kindergarten.

I gotta keep this.

What are we, a family of potatoes? Toss it.

All right, fine, but you can't expect me to get rid of this.

Oh, yes, I can. It's a turkey. We get it.

It's his little hand preserved forever.

He still has a hand!

Adam! Come down here and show your mother your hand!

Oh, now it's all... huge and gangly.

Don't you just miss those pudgy little baby hands?

It's just a crappy turkey. Toss it!

And toss the blue banana and the dog with six legs!

Okay, you seriously can't tell me that Erica's finger painting makes you feel nothing.

I feel something... confused. Who the hell's "babby"?

It says "daddy."

She made her little D's backwards.

You're her "babby." How do you not feel anything?

I'll tell you how, and it's simple.

Our children are not talented.

You're a monster.

Well, that would explain why I have three eyes and lobster hands.

Toss!

Okay, fellas, it's all gotta go.

Are you sure Bevy's fine with this?

Absolutely. She's more than fine.

Then why do I feel her eyes on me like a thousand tiny daggers?

I let her keep her one trunk. That's more than fair.

Trust me, once that stuff's at the dump, she'll forget all about it.

All right, that's everything.

Thank you.

I feel good about this.

Mm.

Wait, where's the trunk?

Hey, wait!

Hey, hold on!

Wait, wait!

Stop! Stop!

All right, you run after them, I'll go get the car keys.

Why do I have to run after them?

You're spry. It's your thing.

How 'bout you run, I get the keys?

You can't drive!

Get off my jock, Mur.

I'm making this stuff up on the fly here.

Fine! We'll both get the damn keys.

That truck is gone.

Yes... It is.

[Laughter]

All: Hey!

Come on in!

We just invited over a few pals for a little video premiere party.

No.

I like it when you said your hand was Jonathan and then you made out with it. [Laughter]

Wait, you made fun of me for my Corey Feldman shrine, and all along, you were doing this?

No!

Yes.

No!

Let's play it again, shall we?

Stop doing what you're doing and turn it off.

Turn it up? Yeah, you got it.

Turn it off!

Erica on TV: I love you!

Barry, the attic!

I love you so much!

Adult Adam: My sister was furious she had lost all the power, but not half as mad as when she saw what we did to her room.

Ho, ho!

Donald.

Why are you doing this to me?!

We just wanted to make sure you had... "The right stuff."

Just take your stupid flat helmet head and get out of my room.

Normally, that would send me into an emotional tailspin.

But from now on, no matter what you say, you're just a borderline adult woman who likes lame boy bands.

No! You do not have the power. I have the power.

Oh, no. For years, our stupid life choices and physical awkwardness has given you ammo to humiliate us, but no more!

I say, no more!

And just like that, Erica's childhood dreams became her adult nightmare.

["You got it (The right stuff)" Playing]

It had been three days since we started using new kids to taunt Erica.

Unfortunately, all that musical exposure led to some unintended consequences.

♪ First time was a great time ♪

♪ First time was a great time ♪

♪ Second time was a blast ♪

♪ Second time was a blast ♪

♪ Third time I fell in love ♪

♪ Third time I fell in love ♪

♪ Now I hope it lasts ♪

♪ Now I hope it lasts ♪

What are you doing?

♪ I could see it in... ♪

[Music stops] Me?

Like, right now? Just...

You know, bagging on Erica and her stupid music.

By singing along?

Yes!

I mean, how am I really gonna torture Erica if I don't know all the words to the song?

It was a wobbly premise at best and there's no way he'd buy it.

That's a good point, dude.

It is?

Yeah.

'Cause I might've memorized their entire album.

Smart! That'll really piss her off!

What's your favorite song? To torture Erica with.

That'd be a 10-way tie between all of them!

Take that, Erica!

Can you believe her favorite new kid is Jonathan Knight?

I mean, hello, he's the shy one.

Yeah, but you put him on the dance floor, he blows everyone away.

Of course!

That's why I learned all of Joey Mclntyre's lyrics!

'Cause he's like me, the youngest and the cutest and always getting into shenanigans.

Joey?! If anything, you're a Jordan.

'Cause your voice is all high and you're cocky when you shouldn't be.

Oh, yeah? Well, you're a Danny.

Please. I'm Donnie, the bad boy, and you know it.

Can you knobs please keep it down? I'm trying to study.

Why? You studying with your boyfriends Danny, Donnie, Joey, Jon, Jordan?

Gosh, shut up with that!

I have the power!

See? I know at a glance I have Danny aspects, but Donnie has that roughneck appeal that ladies love!

Hey, you know what would totally drive Erica nuts?

If we learned all their dance moves.

Know what else would really rub her nose in it?

We do a shot-for-shot remake of their music video.

Yes! [Giggles]


♪ Oh, oh, oh-oh-oh ♪

Oh, yeah.

All right.

I'm gonna go cut off the sleeves of my Jean jacket, you go gather up some leather vests, and that'll really stick it to her!

While my brother and I were fooling ourselves, my dad and pops were hoping to fool my mom by forging our old artwork and putting it in a duplicate trunk.

There you go.

Good as the real thing.

The hell is this?

You said Adam drew a potato family.

Not actual potatoes! Potato-shaped!

And what are they doing on a farm?

Where else would a potato family live?

It's too good! It's supposed to be awful.

Well, we gotta fill up this trunk with something, and all we got is a few macaroni necklaces, a blue banana, and this glittery thing.

It's supposed to say, "I love you babby." Babby!

What the hell is a babby?

I'm the babby!

It's too good. Do it again, and do it worse.

Hey, I got talent. I can't suppress it.

In fact, if you don't want my potato family, perhaps "the New Yorker" will.

I give up.

There's no way Bevy's gonna believe this crap.

What are you gonna do?

The only thing I can do... Come clean and end this.

My dad hoped she would take it well, but she didn't. [Crying]

Well, on the bright side, our garage is clean.

[Crying]

[Sighs heavily]

Okay, you win.

I will never make you throw anything away again.

Promise?

Yes!

You can hoard whatever crap you want from now on.

You won't hear so much as a grumble from me.

Well, that's a start.

[Inhales deeply] Now if you'll excuse me, I need to, uh, be alone to mourn the piece of my heart that died today.

My dad came clean, but my mom was playing dirty.

To teach my dad a lesson, she had paid the haulers to stash our art here.

Okay, so for the monthly storage cost, I'm gonna need a credit card.

Mm, no, no, Gabe.

This will be a strictly cash transaction.

No paper trail that way. [Chuckles]

Um, that's kind of weird, but okay.

See, I had all these pieces of my kids in these boxes, and someone tried to take them away from me.

We can't have that, can we, Gabe?

[Laughing] [Laughing nervously]

That day, my mom's guilt trip worked a little too well.

My dad actually went down to the local dump and searched for our art with a can-do attitude.

[Bleep]

♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

Man, look at our moves! Our lines are so crisp. in your face, Erica!

Wait, I'm confused.

How exactly is this a joke on Erica?

Um, earth to Chad Kremp.

It's called a parody, like weird Al. Look him up.

But weird Al changes the song into a joke.

This is clearly a labor of love executed by two superfans.

♪ Hangin' tough ♪

[Door creaks]

So, apparently, that whole revenge plot on Erica?

It took a strange turn.

It seems like it, yes.

You need to destroy that tape!

For sure.

But I didn't. That was some of my best work.

So I hid it under my bed...

A decision I would quickly regret.

♪ Listen up, everybody, if you wanna take a chance ♪

[Laughter]

♪ Just get on the floor and do the new kids dance ♪

[Laughter] ♪ Don't worry 'bout nothin' ♪

Hey, come on in.

We're just having a little video premiere party.

No!

♪ Hangin' tough ♪

Adam, I thought you destroyed the tape.

I couldn't do it! Our lines were so crisp.

Dude, this is way worse than Erica's tape 'cause at least she was, like, young...

And a girl.

I'm sorry, Adam, I didn't wanna watch, but then I just couldn't look away.

We've watched this video four times.

Boy: We're watching it again!

All: Yes!

♪ We're rough! ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh... ♪

[Turns off TV] Guys, come on.

You showed that video to all my friends and the girl of my dreams?

And my girlfriend!

I can only take so many hits like that before she comes to her senses and dumps me.

I mean, you handed me the ammo. What did you expect me to do?

Oh, please! You've always had the ammo.

'Cause we're the easiest targets on the planet!

Making fun of Adam for his lazy eye and his inability to hit a baseball, and his stupid haircut.

His bad breath...

Okay, okay, okay.

And then there's me!

Always gunning for one of my many awesome qualities that you feel threatened by.

Just once we had the upper hand.

Oh, I see, so you can dish it out, but you can't take it.

We always take it!

You're our big sister. You're supposed to protect us, but you always just make things worse.

While my sister was feeling like garbage, my dad was still knee-deep in it.

You gotta be kidding me.

As fate would have it, he stumbled upon a box of children's art.

Oh! [Laughs] Yeah!

Unfortunately, my dad had no freaking clue it wasn't ours.

Whoa, now. What's happening?

You would not believe my luck, Al.

I went down to the dump, and I actually found one of the boxes.

And I had 'em framed.

I really hope that wasn't expensive.

[Lowered voice] Incredibly expensive.

[Normal voice] You know, at first, I was doing this so Bev wouldn't hold it over me forever, but as I look at my children's art, I realize I was wrong to throw it away.

Out of curiosity, who would this be?

Well, that's, uh, me, uh, and Mr. Chair.

And since when does Mr. Chair have wheels?

And since when is your name "Abuela"?

What do you think that means?

It means this is someone's Hispanic wheelchair grandma, and you've spent a fortune framing a stranger's art.

Huh.

Also, this call came in. [Beep]

Man: Hey, Jenkintown Storage.

That larger unit opened up for your boxes and your trunk.

Give us a call. [Beep]

[Dial tone, beep] Huh.

You know what I think happened?

I think Bevy lied and made a fool out of you.

Huh.

Huh.

It had been two days since Erica outed us as blockheads and we still weren't talking to her.

Hey, guys. Got a couple cold ones.

I decline your hollow peace offering of an ecto cooler.

And I will take it, but it changes nothing.

Come on, guys. You can't give me the silent treatment forever.

Oh, we can, and we will.

Too much finger. Put it down.

Enough, okay?

Brothers and sisters torture each other. That's how it works.

If you're so upset about it, then just do it back.

We'd like to, believe me, but here's the thing...

That new kids ammo is all we ever had on you.

Please stop acting like I'm so perfect.

You saw my video.

I had braces and glasses and frizzy hair.

[Lisping] Look at this! This is what braces look like, not your cute little metal ones.

Mine has a chin strap. A chin strap!

Okay! You're pathetic fish in a barrel.

What do you want from me?

To stop humiliating and belittling us.

We're just asking for basic human decency.

What all men want!

[Inhales deeply]

Ooh, God. I can't do it.

I'd like to say yes, but it's impossible.

Right, 'cause you have the power.

You always have the power. I hope it feels good.

While Erica was striking out with us, my dad hoped to strike back against my mom.

Oh, wow.

Uh, what's going on here?

Good news, honey.

I just spent six hours wading through toxic garbage, and look, I found our kids' art!

Great! [Chuckles]

You were right.

From now on, we're keeping every piece of art 'cause each one is a masterpiece of love.

You know about the storage unit.

Of course I know!

You made me go to the dump!

Well, what was I supposed to do?

You were gonna throw it all away.

Secret storage was my only option.

I just want one room with my special things.

And now I guess you're gonna take that away, too, huh?

And that's when my dad decided to stop torturing my mom.

Actually, I already did.

Turns out, my dad was sentimental after all.

You schlepped it all back? For me?

Just do me a favor and try to...

Thin it out a little bit.

But won't you miss your garage?

Yeah...

But you never know, one of our morons can turn out to be the next Einstein.

♪ The right stuff ♪

Hey, need a ride?

Uh, no.

We're gonna walk, thanks.

Wait, come on, just...

Come back!

Wow, nice new kids shirt.

You got us good.

I'm not wearing it to bust on you.

It's an olive branch.

♪ I could see it in your walk, tell it when you walk ♪

New kids third row center?

Look, I thought we could go.

Sure, I'm too old to like them, and you're... dudes, but everyone has that band that they listen to in secret.

So why can't we just go have fun at the concert and own it?

But... what if someone sees us there?

I'm your big sister. I'll protect you.

That was the beginning of our sister having our back...

When she felt like it.

It was also the beginning of my mom letting go...

You know, I thought maybe we should hang this one up.

And my dad learning the value of holding on.

♪ And all that I wanted was you ♪

Turns out, being called "babby" did make him feel something.

And as we danced in a sea of 12-year-old girls, we realized that some things from your past are worth hanging on to.

Donnie!

You're the best!

Yeah! He pointed at me!

Sure, you might think you've outgrown them, but deep down, they always stay in your heart.

That's why it's nice to hold on to your memories, even if they're tucked in the back of your closet, to remind you of where you came from and the people who knew you when.

♪ The right stuff ♪ [Switch clicks]

♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Listen up, everybody, if you wanna take a chance ♪
♪ Just get on the floor and do the new kids dance ♪

All right, and we're rolling.

World's most badass "Hangin' Tough" music video ever made, take one.

♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Get loose, everybody ♪
♪ 'Cause we're gonna do our thing ♪
♪ 'Cause you know it ain't over till the fat lady sings ♪
♪ Hangin' Tough ♪
♪ Hangin' Tough ♪
♪ Hangin' Tough ♪
♪ We're rough ♪
♪ Rough, rough, rough ♪