02x15 - Happy Mom, Happy Life

Adam: Ah, The toys crazes of the 80's.

G.I. Joe, Laser Tag, Rubik's Cube, Transformers, Care Bears.

But the mother of them all were the Cabbage Patch Kids...

Chubby-cheeked balls of cuteness you could adopt as your very own.

And I got mine in a most unusual way.

In my hand, I hold your final exam for health class...

The reality of parenting.

Wow. How many of these do you own?

You know, I'm not married, and I'm severely allergic to cat and dog dander, so I guess you could say these are like my children.

Ha!

That's a joke. I'm fine.

Okay.

So, for this assignment, you are going to pair up and you're going to tend to the child as if it's a real baby.

And every 30 minutes, you're gonna spin the wheel and do the assigned chore... Feeding, burping, diapering.

You get it... the things that married couples do.

Or... so I've seen from my three married younger sisters.

Okay, partner up.

Dana lsabelle Caldwell, will you be the mother of my cabbage?

I don't know. I don't want this to make things weird between us.

Trust me... a baby only makes things better.

It's like the old saying...

"If your relationship sucks, a baby will fix it."

Okay, so, maybe I was way off about that, but I did know that this project was the perfect way for me to get closer to Dana.

Welcome to our tree home, my dear.

I've already put down the baby and whipped us up some supper.

Aww. Smurf ravioli... My favorite.

Well, only the best for my girl Dana and our little angel, Ripley.

Ripley?

It's a classic girl's name.

Also happens to be sigourney Weaver's badass character in "Aliens."

How about one that'll make us both happy?

Leia.

Leia Delorean Goldberg!

I love it!

Snuggle boo-boo! Dinner's ready!

What is all this?

Health class. We got to care for a pretend baby.

Oh, I'm finally a grandma, huh?

[Laughs]

Well, move over. Isn't this fun?

Come on. Let me hold her.

Actually, um, we're not supposed to get any outside help with Leia.

"Leia"? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

That's so boring and plain.

What about "Myrna," after your great-grandma?

Um, maybe.

Yeah, I mean, I-it was a name in progress...

Was it?

Everyone agrees. Myrna it is.

Okay, I get how this works.

We spin the thing and do the thingy.

[Gasps]

♪ Baby's got poo-poos ♪

Let me change her.

Actually, we're good. Thanks.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Well, uh, I'm gonna go check in on your father.

I'm sure he still needs me.

As usual, my smother had jammed herself into my life and made it real awkward real quick.

I had to do some epic damage control... and fast.

How about a toast to the world's greatest mom?

Somebody call me?

No?

Okay.

[Chuckles]

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪
♪ but nonetheless I feel the need to say ♪

The Goldbergs - 02x15 Happy Mom, Happy Life

♪ I don't know the future ♪
♪ but the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

It was March 10th, 1980-something, and Barry was chilling with his best and only friends, the Jenkintown Posse... Also known as the JTP.

All right, batter up.

I got, uh, an egg, a grapefruit, and a light bulb.

Grapefruit! Let's go, baby! Come on! Game on.

All: [Chanting] Smash ball! Smash ball!

Smash ball!

[All screaming]

Dude, the citrus is burning my eyes!

I can't see!

That's awesome!

Barry Goldberg, king of smash ball and king of the JTP!

All: JTP!

[All cheering]

This was fun. See ya.

Wai... what?

What?

You just got here, man.

You said tonight was gonna be legendary.

Sorry, guys.

I made plans with my special lady.

What happened to you, bro?

Since that girl came into your life, it's like we don't even exist, man.

Yeah, dude. It's time you made a choice.

It's either us or the super-hot, popular girl that you make out with.

Her. 100% her.

[Sighs]

Lainey?! You're here?!

I've been calling your house for the last two hours!

We have to get ready for Anthony Balsamo's party.

God, I'm so sorry, Erica. I totally forgot.

Me 'N' Bar decided we were gonna stay in and have a romantic evening together.

I've been holding in a fart this whole time.

Aww.

Well, I can't just go to the party by myself.

That's pathetic.

It is pathetic. Invite her to watch with us.

I'd rather not. I find she sucks.

I can hear you. And you suck.

Lainey, next Friday we're hanging out. No excuses.

Oooh, my girl's gonna be busy that night.

Tickets to the Heart concert?!

No way! Lainey and I have been talking about going for months!

Which is how I knew it'd score me major points to get us tickets.

I can't believe you pulled this off.

You are the best!

Oh, my God. What is that smell?

Hey, guys?

Things have been kind of weird with Dana.

Thought I should ask you about it.

Sure thing, kiddo.

[TV shuts off]

Happy to help.

And I, also, am here.

Why is Dana super-pissed at me for siding with mom over her when it comes to raising kids?

You never side with your mother over your lady, you moron.

Pack up your toys and move to another town.

The life you've built here is over.

But it's like what mom always says...

"Happy mom, happy life."

No! The phrase is "happy wife, happy life."

It rhymes!

I thought "happy mom, happy life" was clunky!

I'm such a putz!

[Doorbell rings]

Ohh, it's Dana. What do I tell her?

That she's calling the shots in your relationship.

You hear me? Now, tell her, damn you!

Hey.

It's getting late, so we should feed [Sighs] Myrna.

Actually, I've been thinking.

Let's go with Leia... The name you want.

Really? What about your mom?

Hey, this is your cabbage patch, and I completely and fully support your decisions on all matters.

Thank you.

I mean, I totally appreciate your mom wanting to help, but she needs to know it's our project.

Exactly.

So you'll let her know?

Know what, now?

You know, to stay out of it.

Set some boundaries.

Boundaries? Whoa.

Uh, you know my mom. That's a big ask.

I...Guess I could talk to her.

You know what? Yeah. That's perfect.

She's in the kitchen right now.

I not only took their advice, I hit it out of the park.

Are you nuts?

You never let your mother and your wife hash things out with each other.

You got to be the buffer.

Otherwise, it spirals into chaos.

Okay, you guys need to tell me this great advice before I fudge the bed!

While I was running off to save my relationship, the JTP was still mourning the loss of Barry Goldberg.

Dudes, it's Barry's bananas hot sister.

Okay, be cool. Let the ladies' man handle this.

[Clears throat]

Hey!

I'm panicking. Someone take over.

Uh...

Greetings, M'lady.

Uh, what doth bring thou to our domain?

So, this is where you guys hang out all the time, huh?

What do you do here?

Do you want to play smash ball with us?

I really don't.

Together: [Chanting] Smash ball. Smash ball.

Smash ball! Smash ball! Smash ball! Smash ball!

Okay! Okay! Stop saying "smash ball."

Fine. I'll play your weird game.

[Laughs] Whoo!

Okay. In there. Not gonna touch you.

It's over there. Okay.

And then...

Lettuce.

Got it. All right.

Um, okay.

Let's go. Let's go.

All: Ohhh! [Laughter]

And just like that, Erica swung her way into the hearts of the JTP.

Ohh! Ohh!

[All grunting]

[Laughter]

Big E!

Yes!

Whoo!

So, you guys going to Anthony Balsamo's party?

Hell yeah! Par-tay!

Balsamo!

So, you guys don't know about it, then?

No, what's... where is that? No, we don't.

Balsamo.

Well, I guess you guys can tag along...

If you don't act weird and Naked Rob doesn't get naked.

Dat's cool. I only get naked around dudes.

After a surprisingly fun night with Barry's friends, my sister formulated a plan to reclaim her friend from Barry.

Yo, Big E!

Over here!

Rob: Oh, dude, she's coming over.

What the hell is she doing?

Looks like she joined the JTP.

JTP!

JTP! JTP! JTP!

No. No way!

You can't say "JTP" unless you're in the JTP.

Which is why she said it.

And you're out, bro.

We got a new leader...

One who actually gets us into cool parties.

Wait... you took them to Anthony Balsamo's party?

You were too busy running your hands over Barry's Lumpy Melon.

Nice burn, Big E.

You can't call her "Big E."

That's way too close to "Big Tasteee."

It'll cause marketplace confusion!

I'm sorry, Bar, but it looks like Big E's in charge now.

JTP out.

JTP out! JTP out!

JTP out!

JTP out.

Aw, sweetie.

You're not allowed to say that anymore.

I thought raising a fake baby with Dana would bring us together, but it was only pushing apart.

Hey. You would not believe the day I've had.

Don't care. Just take her.

Whoa, whoa. What's this?

At least let me walk through the door.

I've been here dealing with the baby all by myself.

This assignment's impossible.

Where were you?

Out mowing lawns.

You know... my job.

Nice try. I called Mrs. Bales. That ended two hours ago.

I went to the Arcade to blow off steam with some buddies.

And why are you even checking up on me?

I played one game and left.

One game? Please.

I smell pizza on your breath.

It's not my fault. I didn't even ask for this kid!

[Gasps]

Okay.

This is super-weird.

Maybe we should just take a break from all of this and... and go to a movie or something.

Just us... no baby.

We can get a sitter.

And so we did get a sitter... A man who had been sitting on his ass for as long as I could remember. Unfortunately, my mom wasn't one to sit on the sidelines of any situation.


What's that?

What's what?

The little foot sticking out.

Just Adam's baby.

I'm using it for lumbar support.

Did they entrust the baby to you over me?

Over me?

Ow!

Ow!

You do know none of this is real?

Oh, it's real.

Don't you get it?

This is how Adam is gonna treat me when I really am a bubbie.

I'm gonna prove to him that I'm the best grandma ever.

"Grandma," "gam-gam," "bubbie"...

Didn't matter what she went by.

My mom was determined to be the best.

She changed the toy. She fed it.

She even took it to the park.

Ohh! Your baby's so cute.

Aww. And yours is...

Oh, boy. Thank you.

Yep.

My mom was on her way to helping us get an "A" on this assignment...

Until a dog mistook the baby for a chew toy.

My baby.

Somebody stole my baby!

Well, not real baby... Fake baby. It's a toy.

Somebody stole my toy!

I'm gonna get attitude from my son's pretend wife!

Can someone call the police?

Or toys "R" us?

I don't [Bleep] know anymore!

As my mom was realizing she had to figure out how to replace our little angel, Barry was learning just how replaceable he was.

No way.

"Brian's Song"?!

That's our secret guy-cry movie!

Beat it, Bar. This is just JTP.

JTP.

JTP. JTP.

Get over here.

Get over here.

You can't just use my friends as pawns in your sick game.

You can have your precious JTP back anytime you want.

Just stop hanging out with Lainey.

Your move.

But, unfortunately for Erica, the next move was not Barry's.

Gah! What are you...

I came for a root beer, too.

It's crazy how we had the same idea.

It's like... It's like fate, right?

Here, let me...

♪ Till now, I always got by on my own ♪
♪ I never really cared until I met you ♪

What?

[Music stops]

We should probably get back to the movie.

Everyone's probably wondering where we are.

We've been gone three minutes.

It feels like forever.

[Sighs]

Such a beautiful movie about friendship and football and...

I'll get you a...

♪ Till now, I always got by... ♪

Wow.

We both went for the...

What are the odds?

It's crazy, right?

What's happening?

You tell me.

♪ ...Chills me to the bone ♪

[Music stops] I'm just gonna go sit over here.

♪ Till now ♪
♪ I always got by ♪

I'm sorry. Are... are you okay?

♪ On my own ♪
♪ I never really cared ♪

For the first time in a long time, ♪ Until I met you ♪

I think I'm gonna be just fine.

♪ And now it chills me to the... ♪

[Music stops] Um, guys, take a seat for me.

[Sighs]

To be clear, we're all just friends here, right?

Just friends. Amigos.

I love you.

Okay, I'm just gonna leave my own house now.

Across town, my mom was desperate to save my grade and her reputation as a bubbie, but cabbage patch kids were in such high demand that her only chance was to turn to the black market.

Hey.

You Rick?

Shh! No names, all right?

Just be cool.

What do you need?

I got Glo Worm, I got Voltron, I got Koosa, I got my Little Pony.

Oh. I also have the strongest heroine in the world.

What?!

She-ra, Princess of Power.

There's no stronger heroine out there.

I need a cabbage patch kid.

Female, red yarny hair, blue eyes.

You got expensive taste, girl.

[Chuckles]

CPKS are sold out across the country.

It's gonna cost ya.

[Gasps] Yes. That's what bubbie needs.

How much for that one?

For a pretty lady like you, I suppose I could let one go for 3 large.

$3,000?!

Is that... What "large" is?

I meant $300.

Well, that's still ridiculous.

As my mom was trying to negotiate the best possible price, we were about to pay the price for not getting a real babysitter.

Hey, dad, how'd it go?

Really, really bad.

Mom...

Shhh! Baby's sleeping.

Just kidding. Her eyes are wide open all the time.

But don't worry. We had a great day.

And I did everything the spinner said.

I'd say I proved I'm an excellent bubbie.

Excellent how? Adam, look at it.

Oh! Balls!

This is a fake.

What did you do, mom?

Okay, there are some ugly accusations flying about, and if that's not Myrna, then I have failed as a grandmother.

Read the label.

"Lettuce crop child."

[Chuckles] That is unfortunate.

You know what?

You two should just finish this project together.

[Scoffs]

Wait! don't go! I can't be a single dad!

Oh, you'll never be single as long as you have me, schmoopie.

[Heart's "Alone" plays]

Till now, I always got by on my own

Geoff, what are you doing?!

It's from "Say Anything..."

That's how your dorky little brother got a hot girl way out of his league.

That's not even the right song!

To be honest, I never saw the movie.

Stop "Say Anything..." -Ing me and go home.

["Alone" plays on boombox] Erica Goldberg, leader of the JTP, I proclaim my love...

What the hell, Geoff?!

Get lost, pal! I called her first!

Uh, no. No one called me. I'm not callable.

[Tejano music plays] Erica Goldberg!

Listen to this sweet song and know my heart is...

Dude, you took my boombox?

Relax. I just needed it for tonight.

Yeah, well, so did I!

I had to borrow my uncle's cheap-ass radio, and it's stuck on Tejano music.

Okay, both of you shut up, because she's mine!

Stop it!

That's not true! She's mine!

That's not true!

No! Stop it!

None of you will win me!

You have to...

Oh, my God! Naked Rob is naked under that coat!

I wanted you to be the first girl to see me naked!

[Blinds close]

Barry: Well, well.

Looks like the worm is on the other foot.

Help me! Please make it stop!

Messing with those poor goobers to break us up is so not cool.

What was I supposed to do?

I get it. You two make each other happy.

But I didn't know that meant I'd lose you and be left all alone.

[Sighs]

Seriously?

Does this look like a cabbage patch kid to you?

Okay, this is a cabbage patch kid.

Aww.

This looks like something in a horror movie where the doll comes alive and terrorizes a lakeside town.

Look, it's not Dana's fault.

Please don't fail her. Fail me.

No, it's my fault.

If you're gonna fail anyone, fail me.

I can't... fail you, Mrs. Goldberg. You're an adult.

Also, why are you here?

Yeah, Adam. Why is she here?

I'm just trying to help, like any good bubbie would.

A good bubbie doesn't lose her grandchild.

I heard that. Bubbies hear everything.

Enough! Gah!

Mom, I know you mean well, but all you've done is screw things up for me and Dana.

Look, I don't know when I'll have a family, and I don't know who it'll be with.

I-I-it could be Dana. It could be Molly Ringwald.

All I know is that when I do get married, you're gonna need to butt out.

Okay, but I...

No "buts"... Except for yours butting out.

Thanks for coming.

I'm sure you're all wondering why I brought you here.

You're gonna choose which one of us you'll take as your lover.

Ew! God, no!

I'm doing the complete opposite of that.

I'm resigning as leader of the JTP.

JTP! JTP! JTP!

Did you even hear what I said?

I'm out! No more JTP!

JTP! JTP! JTP!

God!

Allow me.

Here's the deal, fellas.

You're all so insanely awesome that Erica loves you all equally, okay?

For her to choose one of you would literally break her brain in half, sending her into a coma forever.

Oh. That makes sense.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Her only real option is to step down so I can resume my role as leader and God of the JTP.

JTP. JTP. JTP. JTP.

Here.

Your Hearts tickets? Seriously?

Think I'm gonna hang with my boys that night.

I suggest you hang with your girl.

Want to?

Yes!

[Chuckles]

♪ But the secret is still my own ♪

It was one of those major life lessons Barry and Erica had to learn the hard way.

Sometimes, you'll find that special someone who changes everything, but having your best friends there to cheer you on is what the game is all about.

♪ Till now ♪
♪ I always got by on my own ♪

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

[Indistinct talking]

Miss Taraborelli: Mr. Goldberg, a moment please.

I've changed my mind on your grade.

Really?

You know, the point of the project was to learn what it's like to be a real parent.

Changing diapers... Oh, that's easy.

Protecting your lady from her nightmare in-laws?

Whew. That's an "A."

♪ How do I get you alone? ♪

Dana.

What's all this?

A thank-you for standing up for me...

And an apology for how weird things got.

It got quite weird.

But I give you my word...

From now on, I'm gonna make sure my mom stays as far away from us as possible.

Actually, your mom's not so bad.

She's the one who invited me over and helped me with all this.

In the end, my mom stopped worrying about being the best bubbie and just focused on being my awesome mom.

[Sighs]

Oh, God, Mur.

Butting out is so hard.

Yeah, but look at him. He's having so much fun.

Doesn't that make you happy?

♪ I never really cared until I met you ♪

Damn it, it does. [Chuckles]

That's good for me.

Happy wife, happy life.

♪ How do I get you alone? ♪

That's the thing about being a parent...

It's tough, and it doesn't come with a spinner and instructions.

You learn as you go.

But seeing the smile on my face that night gave my mom a new saying...

"Happy kids, happy life."

["Alone" fades]

Ahh. Back for more?

I came to return this shoddy knock-off.

You bought a bootleg toy out of a trunk.

All sales are final.

Well, at least let me trade it for this.

♪ Till now, I always got by on my own ♪
♪ I never really cared until I met you ♪

Wow, it's crazy how two people can reach into a trunk and their fingers just... kind of meet, you know?

[Music stops] I'm gonna take this as a lesson never to buy toys from a man's trunk behind a warehouse.

[Thud]

I also sell a lifetime of devotion and tenderness.

[Ding!]