02x20 - Just Say No

Adult Adam: Anyone who has a big brother will tell you that quality time together looks like this.

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Aah!

But my brother, Barry, took it to another level.

Barry: Atomic elbow drop!

Adam: Ohh!

Come here!

Most big brothers were content with wedgies and noogies,

Nooooo! But not mine.

There was the butt hat...

Oh! Look... your new hat fits perfectly.

The waffle belly... Smells like home cooking.

Why are you like this?!

We're gonna get some waffles.

And the one I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy... the jock-xygen mask.

Yeah. Breathe it in.

[Muffled scream]

And like any tormenter, Barry fell in love with a show That made bitting people up an art form.

All: Ooooooh That hurt. That hurt.

What are you watching?

"American Gladiators."

It mixes showbiz, patriotism, and spandex for a trifecta of viewing pleasure.

They pit grossly muscular warriors with cartoonish names against accountants and dental hygienists in feats of strength.

Wow... so many new and creative ways for people to hurt each other.

And Barry wasted no time using those new and creative ways to hurt someone... me.

Why?!

You've been gladiated.

That's not even a word!

Whoo!

Yep, Barry didn't just watch "Gladiators "... he lived it.

When he'd hang out with the Jenkintown posse, it's all they talked about.

Whoo! [Laughs] Ohh!

Goldberg! Reigning champion of powerball.

You destroyed that food! Yeah!

And scratched my retina.

I'm unstoppable. I own this parking lot.

Sure do, bro. [Store bell chimes]

Ohhhh, crap.

It was the Meadowbrook mafia, a rival wannabe posse from the next town over.

The Meadowbrook a.

Those guys are crazy.

Yo, I know their leader.

He got kicked out of my tennis camp for disruptive behavior.

Look who it is... the jenkinturd posse.

Shut up, Bradley. You know it's "Jenkintown."

Hey, why don't you take your ice cream and go back to that stupid friendly's parking lot you always hang out at?

Can't... it got converted to a daycare center, and they don't take too kindly to loiterers.

That means we got to kick your lame crew out of here.

[Scoffs] Lame?!

We got madman Schwartz, naked rob, and the original ladies' man, Andy Cogan.

Hide your sisters, boys.

But, truth be told, I respect women.

You got nothing on my crew.

We got psycho Mikowitz, diagnosed with mild depression.

It's a constant numbness, yo.

That's Josh Millstein-Chang.

Yes... of Millstein-Chang Toyota.

And Subaru.

And that's Dumb Doug.

Don't be fooled. It's an ironic nickname.

Brandeis early admission, Holmes!

So beat it or eat it.

Hey.

Everyone knows that the JTP territory runs from this wawa all the way down to that weird church.

Not anymore.

Boop!

Ooh! Sweet treat to the face!

Come on, Barry. Do something.

Don't take that, man. Go. Come on.

That's what I thought.

For the first time in his life, Barry was faced with an opponent that he couldn't defeat with a butt hat or a waffle belly.

Let's go, boys. [Chuckles]

He booped me.

He booped an ice-cream cone on my nose, and I just stood there and took it.

There's no coming back from that.

Oh, yes, there is.

Back in the army, I was a welterweight boxer.

Now, I can teach you everything I know, but it's gonna take a lot of hard work and... enough!

But Barry didn't like hard work.

He liked stupid, convoluted plans.

There's only one logical thing to do.

I will become nationally known as television's greatest warrior, and that parking lot will be mine.

I thought we were gonna do a whole thing together.

We are not.

Adam!

Whatever it is, no.

Now, go get your nerdy video camera.

I got to make myself an audition tape.

Why would I help you?

All you do is make my life a living hell.

If you don't help me, it'll get a lot worse.

Mark my words.

There'll be no butt un-wedgied, no Willy un-wetted, and no nurple un-purpled.

It'll be a 24-hour-a-day, full-body beat down.

[Groans] Fine. I'll do it.

Yes!

Time to get pumped!

Celebratory butt hat!

No!

This is not a celebration!

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪
♪ But nonetheless I feel the need to say ♪
♪ I don't know the future ♪
♪ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

It was November 2, 1980-something, and the presidential election between Reagan and Mondale was heating up.

But the real debate was in our living room.

Everything you're saying is wrong!

There's only one choice, and it's Mondale.

That nerd can't compete with Reagan.

Reagan likes jelly beans.

He's got the hair of a Greek God.

What's not to like?

Well, I care about the issues.

There's only one issue that matters in this race, and that's taxes.

Mondale specifically said he would raise them.

That's all you care about... taxes?

Yes!

Why do you think we had Adam? He was a write-off.

Murray, change the channel. "T.J. Hooker's" on.

Mom, we're talking about important issues right now.

Who are you gonna vote for?

Murray, who am I gonna vote for?

Reagan.

Reagan.

Mom, you can't just blindly follow what Dad says.

Your father makes me a little cheat sheet.

What do you call it, Mur?

"Murray's picks." "Murray's picks."

[Groans] How do you not care about the world at all?

What are you doing trying to rile up your mother?

What's wrong?

You afraid I'm gonna make mom a free thinker and inspire her to go make a real difference?

Yes!

Whenever she gets passionate about something, she makes me do stuff.

And the last thing I want to do in life... stuff.

Mom, this affects all of us.

Mondale's vice president will be Geraldine Ferraro... a woman in the White House.

Oh, wow. Amazing.

It really is.

I mean, that Heather Locklear sure has a way with a feather brush.

Her hair doesn't even move when she kicks a gang member.

While Erica was trying to educate my mom about the outside world, my delusional brother was ready to show the universe just how tough he really was.

Okay. Now it's time for me to demonstrate my superiority in all the official "American gladiator" events.

Roll camera.

Go ahead... take a whack at my face.

Wait.

You want me to hit you, and you won't hit back?

Oh, no.

I will stand here like a steel mountain.

After a lifetime of taking Barry beatings, it was finally my turn to dish it out.

Stop! Ow!

That's too much! Ow!

[Lisping] I'm biting my tongue!

Ow!

Right in the ear hole! Time out!

Years of bottled-up anger came flooding out, and it felt amazing!

Next up... the assault.

Aah!

I wasn't ready!

You think Nitro's gonna wait till you're ready?

Now dance!

Hold fire!

Stop! Ow!

That hurts!

Stop!

Ohh!

Stop! Hold fire!

Ow!

I now give you the human cannonball.

Let's do this!

3... 2... 1.

Aaaaaaah!

Ohh!

Did you at least get the shot?

Ohh! The lens cap was on.

We should go again.

Erica: Read it.

It's everything you need to know about the election.

Or I could do something meaningful and bake my special double-marshmallow fudgy nut butterscotch bars.

No. There's a whole world outside of this house.

Don't you want to make it a better place for your children and grandchildren?

Ohh! You're gonna give me grandbabies! Ohh.

You're not pregnant now?

No! Mom, focus. You need to get political.

This is exactly why I joined the politics club and signed up for the mock debate.

I thought you said the kids in that club were disturbing to the senses.

Yeah. That club's like God's junk drawer.

Point is, my stock at school is plummeting, and I don't even care.

That's how much this matters.

So please... just give it a read.

All right, all right.

If it means that much to you, I'll give it a look.

All Erica wanted to do was teach my mom that politics could change the world.

Unfortunately, Beverly Goldberg was a much more eager student than Erica expected.

Oh, my God! What?!

Schmoo, there is a woman who's gonna change the course of our nation, and I need to get behind her.

Geraldine Ferraro?

Nancy Reagan! Say what, now?

I mean, she is a real spitfire with a killer fashion sense.

You know, not everyone can pull off a red skirt suit like us.

Forget the suit.

What about the actual politician... Geraldine Ferraro?

Oh, that woman with the awful bowl cut? Blech!

Don't you "blech" her.

It's not about her hair. It's about her issues.

Well, her number-one issue should be that hair.

Her hair is fine!

I agree it's not great, but it's fine!

Nancy is just like me. She calls all the shots.

She loves kids. She hates crack rock.

She even has her own anti-drug campaign...

"Just say no."

"Just say no"?!

"Just say no."

I didn't know it was that easy.

Let me just call Betty Ford and tell her to shut the clinic down.

I think I'm gonna go down to the local campaign office and start handing out "just say no" t-shirts.

I cannot thank you enough for opening my eyes to this, Erica.

I hate drugs so [Bleep] much!

[Chuckles]

But I love you.

Erica had lit a spark in my mom, and it was about to spread like wildfire.

Hello, and welcome to the mock presidential debate.

Boy: You suck!

Mike Safris is Reagan.

Erica Goldberg is Miss Walter Mondale.

But before we begin, we have a special guest who has forced me to allow her to speak on behalf of our first lady...

Mrs. Goldberg.

Oh, sweet dear lord in heaven, no.

Look at me, Boopie. I'm all political. [Chuckles]

That's right... in the world's most misguided attempt to make Erica proud, my mom had gotten politically active.

Set it up like we rehearsed.

Way, way too active.

Hello, teens.

I'd like to speak to you about Nancy Reagan's "just say no" campaign through a little role-playing scenario that I wrote myself.

Hi, popular football player.

I'm a local tough who slings dope cigarettes outside this very high school.

Would you like drugs?

What will I do?

My teenage mind is soft and easily persuaded by peer pressure and the need to fit in.

For the next 35 minutes, my mom passionately inhabited the role of spider the drug pusher in what became the most embarrassing moment of my sister's life.


Be cool, Homey.

I've got booger sugar, goofballs, poppers, uppers, downers, ludes, wammers, and jammers.

What do you say, impressionable teenager?

Let's chase the dragon.

No. I just say no to drugs.

And scene.

[Scattered applause]

Vote Reagan, everyone.

Wow.

Well, thank you very much for that, Mrs. Goldberg.

Unfortunately, uh, we no longer have time for our debate.

What?!

[Cheers and applause]

Yep... Erica realized our dad was right.

You never, ever encourage Beverly Goldberg.

After the debate, Erica thought my mom was done with her war on drugs.

Unfortunately, she was just getting started.

Again, nothing.

We have some books, lacrosse sticks, scissors, glue.

You sad, naive man.

What's this, Keith Richards?

You gonna sniff it so you can trip out?

Would that work?

Mom, what are you doing?

Locker searches? Are you kidding me?

The whole school is calling me a narc.

"Narc" is just another word for "hero."

[Chuckles]

I'm getting involved, just like you said.

I just love politics.

This has nothing to do with politics.

Nancy Reagan isn't running for president.

She's just a clueless housewife, like you.

Now, stop ruining my life and go home!

I think she's on the glue stick.

Erica was desperately trying to crush my mom's enthusiasm.

Be careful with that tape.

It's gonna make my brother famous.

Meanwhile, I was sending off a package that would crush Barry's dreams.

I hate to break it to you, but I saw that tape.

I-I don't think it shows your brother in the best light.

Don't worry.

It'll get Barry on America's greatest TV show.

Just not the one you'd think.

We will show no clip before its time.

It's time.

Ohh!

That happy father got punched in the pistachios by a toddler for no reason!

This show changes everything I know about funny.

[Screams]

[Laughs]

Are you sure about this?

I mean, you already got to beat Barry up in the backyard all afternoon.

Do you really need to humiliate him on national TV?

One afternoon of hitting him with a stick doesn't make up for a lifetime of waffle bellies and butt hats.

By tomorrow, Barry's bruises will have healed, but revenge like this stays forever.

But at what price?

10 grand if I win.

Yo! Ad rock!

How's editing going?

Did you add in those fireballs and karate-chop sound effects like I asked?

Oh, yeah!

It was so good, I already shipped it off.

Without even showing it to me first?

I didn't have a choice. The deadline was tomorrow.

Way to think ahead, man!

Once I get on "American Gladiators," the meadowbrook mafia will bow down to my awesomeness and be forced to give us our parking lot back.

Sounds like an airtight plan.

[Sighs] I know I don't say this a lot, but... You really are a good brother.

You really don't need to thank me.

That's why I decided to get you a little something.

Here.

That's the first day we ever met.

Mom and Dad said they were bring to me a gift back from the hospital, and it turned out to be you.

You were the greatest gift I ever got.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh.

[Chuckles nervously]

That's too nice for the circumstances.

I'm gonna go hang out by the phone and wait for the gladiators to call.

You're the best, ad rock.

We need to get that tape back.

Adult Adam: While I was determined to right my wrong, my mom was determined to show Erica she was anything but a clueless housewife.

Erica: My God!

What horrible thing is happening in my house right now?

Something glorious.

Your mother is going to single-handedly get the gipper re-elected.

You can't get Reagan re-elected just to spite me.

Oh, I can, and I will.

I will change the course of history just to show you how clue-ful I am.

So you'd turn this great country into a nightmarish hellscape just to prove a point?

Oh, yes.

But it will be a magical land where president Reagan gives every American free jelly beans, a world where sons just say no to drugs and daughters say yes to respecting their mothers.

You know, for the last two years, all I've cared about is boys and clothes and what my friends think.

And for once, I got excited about something real.

I thought that I could make a difference and get people to see the world like I do.

But you've proved that I can't even do that with my own mom.

So... Thanks for ruining the only thing I've cared about in a long time.

While my mom had realized just how much she hurt Erica, I was hoping Pops could help me from hurting Barry.

Oh, thank God.

How did it go at the post office?

Did you seduce the mail lady with your charms?

She was built like a steamer trunk.

I'm not going out that way, kid.

What am I gonna do?

I've called Bob Saget a hundred times.

His people are icing me out.

I hate to say it, but I think you're gonna have to bite the bullet and tell Barry what you did.

I can't do that.

He's your brother. He'll understand.

I will murder your face!

Relax! There's no way Bob Saget will pick your tape.

All you did was get relentlessly hit in the nose, head, face, testicles... oh, God. He is gonna pick it.

That's it! You are no longer my favorite gift!

Aw, don't say that.

That honor now goes to the stilts I got for my birthday.

I can't believe you did this to me.

What did you expect?

I was sick of getting dead-legged and my belly waffled.

It really hurts.

And my skin doesn't bounce back the way it once did.

But beating you up is our thing!

How is violence upon me our thing?

That's how we bond!

What else am I supposed to do? Give you a hug?

Yes! A hug would be nice!

A hug would feel good on my body!

Nipple cripples are my way of showing you love, okay?

It's how I hug you.

But after this, I'm never beating you up again!

Oh, come on.

You don't mean that.

Give me a nipple cripple.

Never!

You'll never feel the painful sting of my touch again.

Now, leave my room quietly and safely.

And please... watch your fingers!

Barry would never forgive me for making a hilarious mockery of his "gladiator" audition, but I had a way to change that.

What do you want?

Hey.

I know you're mad, and you deserve to be.

But there's something you need to see.

Force! Force! Force! Yeah!

Pain! Pain! Pain! Yeah!

Yeah!

[Grunting]

Yeah!

No tennis ball can hurt me!

Bring it!

Aah!

I feel nothing!

Look how tough you are, man.

If you can take an ass-kicking like this, I know you can take a hundred ice-cream boops from those meadowbrook punks.

You think one video's gonna change the way I feel about you?

No.

But you need to know how I feel about you.

You're the gift.

I could have ended up with any brother in the world, but mine is loud and tough and emotionally unstable.

But I wouldn't have it any other way.

Get the JTP on the horn.

We got a wawa to conquer.

Good heelwork, Millstein-Chang.

This is my sack now, just like this is my wawa.

Well, well. Somebody grew a pair.

[Chuckles]

Yo, Dumb Doug, give me your soft serve.

Okay, but you owe me 75 cent... looks like someone's cruisin' for a boopin'.

I'm not afraid of you, Bradley Cooper.

I'm not afraid of anything.

What are you gonna do with that, Goldberg?

Something I should have done a long time ago.

[Baltimora's "Tarzan boy" plays]

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

Bwaaaaaaah!

Bring the pain!

Aaaah!

And bring the pain he did.

Aaaah!

Barry booped, batted, and beat himself up pretty bad that day.

I... Am... Emotionally... Un... Stable!

He reclaimed the wawa using pure strength and unreasonable power.

Get out of here! JTP!

Yep, there was only one true American gladiator...

Barry Goldberg.

Hey, sweetie.

Debate's about to come on TV.

Pass.

I'm going with Lainey to the mall.

I'm sorry, okay?

I went overboard.

Eh...

Y-you know, parents always want their kids to look up to them, but you've gotten so smart, I'm the one who looks up to you.

I just wanted to make you proud.

You do make me proud.

And just because you don't share my opinion doesn't mean you're wrong.

Even though you are.

Erica: That's right... I will raise taxes, because nothing is free, except this country... the greatest country in the whole friggin' universe.

No one was prouder than Beverly Goldberg.

Seeing Erica on that stage, my mom knew there was no one else in the world she'd rather look up to.

♪ Night to night ♪

We never found out who mom voted for that year, but what we do know is she never needed a cheat sheet again.

Unfortunately, the real election didn't quite work out the way Erica hoped.

Look at that.

Biggest landslide in U.S. history.

You were right. He should have lied about taxes.

All that work I put in, and it was for nothing.

You may have swayed somebody at the debate.

Wait... I got you to vote for Mondale?

Tell me you voted for Mondale!

♪ Jungle life ♪
♪ You're far away from nothing ♪

Dude! It worked!

We got the wawa back!

Well, glad I could help.

Cool.

Cool. [Chuckles]

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

Yeah, every family shows their love in crazy ways.

Some brothers give noogies, wedgies, and waffle bellies, ow! Stop! It was a sweet moment!

And some moms take "just say no" to embarrassing extremes.

Stop showing me love! Too much love! [Laughs]

Sure, at the time, you wish they never happened, but later, you look back and wish you could relive each and every wonderfully painful moment one more time.

Do you know what I want to talk about?

Drugs... it's a ver... very bad thing to... Deal with.

Here we have drugs.

This thing can totally destroy your mind.

It's very bad for you!

Drugs! Drugs!

Drugs.

Aah!

He could be seriously hurt right now!

Why am I laughing?

Look at this jamoke!

You don't swing-dance that close to a pool.

You got to be a real putz to get on this show.

I'll bet by now you've chosen your favorite video, but not so fast, Buster... and Busterettes.

You haven't seen this one.

Stop! Hey! That's too much!

[Lisping] I'm biting my tongue!

Ow! My back! Please stop!

Aah!

I wasn't ready!

Ohh!

Is that... ?

Oh my God I need to record this! I'm gonna record this!

Adam! I'm gonna show you I love you so hard right now Ohh, look our baby's on TV, I hope we win money!