02x21 - As You Wish

Adult Adam: Back in the '80s, I saw the movie "Princess Bride" 237 times.

Not just because it was Andre the Giant's greatest performance, it had magic, adventure, romance, rodents of unusual size, and the greatest one-liners of all time.

My name is lnigo Montoya.

You killed my father.

Prepare to die.

It wasn't enough to just watch "The Princess Bride."

I had to experience it.

You are better than I am.

Then why are you smiling?

Then why are you smiling?

'Cause I know something you don't know.

Because I know something you don't know.

I am not left-handed.

There's something I ought to tell you.

I'm not left-handed, either.

[Cardboard tubes banging]

Gah! Screw wrapping paper.

We need some real swords, dude.

Can't you ask your mom? She never says no to you.

Sure, Dave Kim.

Let me ask my safety-crazed mother for a deadly weapon.

Get your head in the game, dude.

Maybe you could ask your dad.

Please. He hates movies.

All he cares about are sports and bread products.

[Gasps] Wait.

That's it.

Yes. Good.

Fill your mouth with that delicious buttered bagel I made you.

While I'm here, I wanted to ask for a little favor.

No.

Imagine a world where you can live out your dream of having an athletic son instead of a triple-threat theater force.

No.

Well, that world can be yours for just $250.

No.

'Cause with your help...

No.

... I can become... you're gonna love this...

No!

An Olympic-class fencer.

Seriously?

Of all sports, you pick the one with a pointy sword?

You know how your mom's crazy about eye safety. Crazy!

Please. Fencing is my dream.

I thought your dream was to be cast as an Ewok.

I'm too big now. Things change.

Just give me what I want.

[Door opens]

Pops, the voice of reason.

Help me out here, will you?

Come on, Murray.

Don't be such a grump and let the kid do it already.

You just walked in. You don't even know what we're talking about.

Well, I know the first thing you always say is no.

Is that what happened here? He said no?

The moron wants to fence.

I'll spend a fortune on equipment, and he'll quit after the first match.

You know, this reminds me of a little story.

[Sighs] Please don't tell me a story.

I'm gonna tell you a story.

When Bevy was a girl, all she wanted was to be a ballerina.

Sadly, she was a very early bloomer.

The other little girls would keep a wide berth around her so if she lost her balance, they wouldn't be crushed beneath her enormous girl body.

Point is, watching her dance is one of the happiest memories of my life.

Don't you want to have that with your son?

[Groans]

Why do you always have to tell such wonderful and touching crap?

Fine.

If this is really your dream, I'll buy you the sword.

Yes!

I'm gonna be like Luke Skywalker.

Scratch that. I'm gonna be like...

Name an athlete who's really good at sports.

Michael Jordan.

Michael Jordan!

Ow! Aah!

Just poked my eye.

Oh. It's okay.

I got glasses. They protected me.

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪
♪ But nonetheless I feel the need to say ♪
♪ I don't know the future ♪
♪ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

It was April 22, 1980-something.

A typical day for my mom... power walking and being a yenta.

You won't believe what I heard about Gabe and Melinda Finkleman... trial separation.

[Gasps] What?! Is he moving out?

No, he's moving into the room above their garage like Fonzie, only this time it's not cool.

Oh!

[Both laugh] "Ay."

A yenta is a nickname for the world's most intrusive, loose-lipped gossip monger.

They're the busiest of busybodies who have a talent for making your business their business.

Psst. Don't look.

Ginny.

It's Linda Holman.

Her son Brian is going to Cornell, but the twin, Craig, is spending the year traveling abroad so he can "find himself."

Translation... he's got a problem with reefer.

Oh. So sad.

A good yenta can dish anytime, anywhere.

Yeah, it's amazing how Marsha's surgery for sleep apnea left her so top-heavy.

You know what I mean?

Please!

I need to talk to someone from the outside world.

But most importantly, a yenta is an expert matchmaker.

Miss Cinoman! Miss Cinoman, allow me.

Why, thank you, Coach Mellor.

Please. Call me Coach Rick.

Well, look at those two.

They seem to be getting along nicely.

Don't even think about it.

Think about what now?

You cannot set up Mellor and Miss Cinoman, understand?

That's a guaranteed disaster for us.

Disaster!

How can bringing together two like-minded, single adults over chablis and assorted cheeses possibly turn into a disaster for you?

Coach is my coach, and whenever he feels feelings, he makes us run laps until we feel them, too.

And Miss Cinoman is my music teacher.

Spring fling is next week, and I have a solo.

Don't be you and ruin this.

Go!

Put your foot on the gas and push.

Well, this is very hurtful.

As much as my mom wanted to do right by Erica and Barry, there was no way she could curb her meddling when the perfect match was just around the corner.

[Tires screech]

Beverly: Coach Mellor! Hey, it's Beverly Goldberg!

Meanwhile, all I had to do was throw one match, and this fencing sword would become my awesome movie prop.

Go get 'em, pal. No worries.

Just do your best out there.

Listen, I'm kind of running a grift on my old man, so what do you say we give him a good show and I'll be on my merry way?

Is your dad like a bad dude or something?

Is there always this much talking before these things?

Let's just do this, bro.

Okay, so maybe it was wrong to screw over my dad, but I wanted to be lnigo Montoya, and this was the least painful way.

Oh! Aah!

Oh! Oh, no! Oh, no!

Oh, God! Why?!

Or so I thought.

Cut it off of me! Cut the glove off of me!

Intermission. I call intermission.

While my dad's hope for a connection with me took a big hit, my mom was hoping for a love connection.

Beverly, thank you so much for your generous donation of unique sweaters for the holiday concert.

Oh, it's my pleasure.

[Doorbell rings]

Oh, well, I wonder who that could be at this late and sexy hour, huh?

How you doing, Mrs. G?

I'm here for that large donation of sports balls.

Of course. Come on in.

Uh, did you, uh, jog here?

You seem overheated.

If you ain't running, you ain't living.

Susan.

Coach Rick.

Do you two know each other?

Are you kidding me?

Work at William Penn Academy and not know Susan Cinoman is like looking at a spice rack and not knowing actual cinnamon.

Rick is well-regarded at school for both his mind and his body.

[Laughing] I can't believe I just said that.

Ah, please.

That's why I eat six pounds of fish every single day.

Feeds both.

Well, speaking of eating, uh, would you like to just sit back and enjoy this open bottle of wine and beautiful cheese plate?

Sure.

Beverly: Rick, perhaps you'd like to ask Susan something about herself, like, um...

Oh, did you know she used to live in Florida?

I do have many questions for Susan.

Oh.

Are you from Florida?

Tampa.

I have a sports background, too.

I grew up racing greyhound dogs.

You must be incredibly fast.

I can tell by the size of your calves you got a lot of explosion.

Oh, no.

I raced them against other dogs.

Oh. Okay.

But no one's ever said that about my calves before.

Yeah, well, I'm saying it right now.

There it was.

Another perfect match made by a world-class yenta, much to the dismay of the yenta's children.

I'm sorry, Dad.

I just had to bow out gracefully.

I wouldn't call that bowing out gracefully.

You made the referee carry you to the car.

She was a strong lady.

She was a strong lady.

But the good news is, is I learned a lot today... mostly, swords hurt when they jab your body, which is why I've decided to retire from the game.

In time, I know we'll both be glad I gave this a shot.

I have to admit that your story about Bevy dancing gave me hope.

For a second, I thought that me and Adam actually found something that we both enjoyed.

You know, this reminds me of a story.

Oh, Dear God.

I'll work through it on my own.

Yep.

I brilliantly played my dad to get a sword.

Even little bald vizzini would've called my plan inconceivable!

Dude! These swords are badass.

How'd you get them? Simple.

I used my dad's love of sports and the awkwardness of our relationship to get what I wanted.

Wow.

Behind the mask and glasses lies a devious mind.

All right, Adam and boy whose name I can't remember.

Give me the swords.

Wait, what? Why?

You quit, so I'm returning them.

But they're used.

I spoke to the manager at Herman's sports.

He's a total hard-ass. He won't take them back.

It's store policy, ironclad.

No, I got some divorced dad at school who wants to buy them to earn back his son's love, so hand them over.

But I need them.

I mean... I have some big news.

You see, I found an even better use for expensive sporting equipment.

Imagination.

Oh, I see what's going on here.

You played me.

What?! You played me.

Don't insult me like that.

You used my love of sports and the awkwardness of our relationship to get what you wanted.

Well, I wouldn't use those words exactly.

You literally did a minute ago.

Shut up, Dave Kim!

My name is Dave Kim, by the way.

While I had let my dad down, my mom was celebrating the perfect setup.

I did it, Ginny.

They stayed past 11:00 and she drove him home, partly because he jogged to our house, but partly because they wanted private time.

Wow. How do you do it, Bev?

Well, I just know that opposites attract.

I mean, she's creative and artistic, and he likes to wear short shorts in the winter.

Wow. Well, you are just a matchmaking wizard.

I know.

But you can't tell anyone.

I would never.

This is so juicy.

I know. But you cannot tell a soul.

I would never.

[Telephone rings]

Oh!

The only problem was that my mom was just a single part of an intricate web of gossiping moms.

Long before the lnternet, there was the world wide yenta-net.

It was faster than Erica and Barry could've ever imagined.

Yo!

Dude! Did you hear?

Miss Cinoman and Mellor are doing the wild thing.

I heard they hooked up in the pool and now they have to drain it.

Oh, God, no. Where'd you hear that?

Everyone's talking about it.

Apparently they got busy in the band room and now they got to throw away all the oboes.

Oh, this is bad.

Your dopey friends have the biggest mouths in school.

No, no, no, they're cool.

I promise you it's not as bad as we think.

Everybody stop your gossiping!

Nobody wants to hear about Susan Cinoman mashing parts with that neanderthal.

Get to class.

Yeah, it's bad.


It's come to my attention that there's been some... inappropriate behavior with members of our faculty.

I am offended to my very core that my integrity would be questioned.

We kissed!

Coach Rick.

It absolutely happened.

Big time.

[Chuckles]

I actually have a question.

Why am I here?

You are here because you caused this kerfuffle.

Now, I don't want to mention any names, but there is another faculty member that has complained, and our school's bylaws state teachers can't fraternize.

Love don't care about bylaws.

That is beautiful, Coach.

What... He just said doesn't mean anything.

Ok, one of the two of you is going to have to take a leave of absence.

If someone must go, then let it be me.

I will be the one who goes gently into that good night.

Hooray, it's settled. So, Cinoman's out, Mellor's in.

Silver lining.

Now we can go make out in the supply closet without fear of punishment.

[Laughs]

[Growls]

No. Still not okay.

Being an all-knowing yenta, my mom knew exactly who complained about her matchmaking.

It was this man.

[Sneezes]

Gah. Aah! Oh!

The lonely and bitter Mr. Woodburn.

Damn it!

The only solution... find a match for him, too.

59 cents worth of noodles down the drain.

If anybody could get it done, it was Beverly Goldberg.

Can't be done.

While my mother was determined to open Mr. Woodburn's heart, I was determined to open my dad's eyes to "The Princess Bride."

Look, I know I manipulated you into spending hundreds of your hard-earned dollars on swords to re-create an epic movie scene, and for that, I'd like to say my mistake.

Oh! Well, as long as it's your mistake, all is forgiven.

I can sense your sarcasm, but I think once you see that movie, you'll be so freaking delighted that you'll have no choice but to forgive me.

I'm not watching that damn movie.

Do you like romance, pirates, wizards, Mandy Patinkin?

That's a hard no to all those things.

But what I do like is my money well spent, and that's why I'm gonna force you to fence.

But I'll get poked again, and it stings a little!

Pops, you're the voice of reason.

Help me out here.

Not after the way you manipulated your father, kiddo.

That was a real putz move.

Look, I can't fence.

I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing.

Lucky for you, I got a way you can learn everything about everything.

The encyclopedia? That's your brilliant answer?

Yes. "F" for fencing.

Now learn, damn it.

Yep, back before Google and Wikipedia, the only way to look stuff up was a set of really boring books that covered a lot, but said a little.

There, fencing. You're welcome.

There's just a small paragraph.

I'll learn nothing from this.

"Z" for Zorro. He was a great fence man.

Oh, please, Zorro sucks.

Don't you dare knock Zorro! He is a man of honor.

Then why is he wearing that stupid mask?

What's he hiding?

All I'm saying is Zorro had enough skill to sign a "Z" wherever he went.

A "Z"!

Even I can sign a "Z."

Oh, I'd like to see that.

Gladly.

[Grunting] Oh!

What'd you do that for?!

Don't just stand there!

We're in "F." Find "first aid."

Oh, you moron!

While my dad was feeling the pain of my blade, Miss Cinoman was gone, and to Coach, that was as stab in the heart.

[Voice breaking] Hustle up, Goldberg! Pick up the pace!

Coach, are you crying?

You only get one cry in life, son, and this ain't it.

Now run till your heart explodes, 'cause... Mine just did.

As Coach Mellor was barely holding it together, the school choir had completely fallen apart without Miss Cinoman.

Now... I know you're all wondering what qualifications does your principal have to teach you music?

Well, rest assured, I was a baritone in my high-school barbershop quartet, the dapper Dougs.

Isn't your name Earl?

Yes, but we had a Doug and he was very assertive.

Sorry.

Now, match my pitch.

[Note plays]

♪ I don't hear any singing ♪

[All humming] ♪ let's go-o-o-o ♪

No, you're [Deep voice] down here.

[High voice] ♪ I'm up here ♪

[Deep voice] ♪ you're down here ♪
♪ You're a girl ♪

[High voice] ♪ I'm a bo-o-y ♪
♪ You're a principal ♪
♪ What makes you qualified to teach music? ♪
♪ - No offense ♪
♪ No offense taken ♪
♪ But I would be very careful about that attitude ♪
♪ It leads you down to a very dangerous path ♪

[Note plays]

[Door slams]

Your yenta-ing has ruined our lives.

Coach Mellor cancelled our next wrestling match.

He said without love, what's the point of sports?

I lost my solo.

Even worse, I'm the bass in a barbershop quartet.

Principal ball chose me over Matt Ramer, and he's a dude, a big dude.

Okay.

I admit I may have over-yenta'd, and for that, I'm sorry.

But lucky for you, your mama's already in the kitchen cooking up a plan.

She had a plan, all right.

Okay, what have we got, people?

And that plan was to find love for my jealous science teacher.

Leads for Woodburn. Talk to me.

We're thinking Edna Bishop.

Engaged. Next.

Betty Garellick.

Engaged. Next.

Ruth Applebaum!

Moved to Jersey. Come on.

I think I might know someone.

Who? Her name is Gail Kaufman.

She works with me at Gimbels.

She's super clumsy and dresses in primary brown and always talks about her pet lizard.

[All murmur, light laughter]

But more than anything, I just get the feeling they would really like each other, you know?

I do know.

Oh, and she doesn't have a ring.

How do I even know that?

Because all yentas know.

[Laughter]

Oh, my God. You're one of them!

Oh, don't you dare say that.

But it's true.

Oh, schmoopie, I'm so proud of you!

Don't be proud. 'Cause I'm not a yenta.

Beverly: Don't be ashamed. It's a gift.

Hey.

How's your throat skin?

You, uh, stabbed it with a sword, so it feels like that.

Here, you can sell this.

I'm sorry I lied and stuff.

It's fine. This whole thing was a mess.

I guess I was just excited about the overlap.

The what?

The overlap.

You know, you like dumb movies, I like awesome sports, and this fencing thing was finally something we could both enjoy...

At least I thought it was.

He was right.

This was no longer about some silly sword.

It was about sharing something with my dad, and I had to fix it.

Dad?

Yeah.

Maybe I could give it one more try.

Honestly, you don't have to.

I do.

And you know what? I might even surprise you.

And so, I set out to become like every brave warrior who ever wielded a sword.

The time had come to be a real hero, not just play one from a movie.

Sadly, fighting for real was way harder than the stage combat class I took at theater camp.

You won, gosh dang it!

Ah!

It was 4-0, and if I was gonna win this match, I'd need more than an encyclopedia.

I needed a miracle.

[Sighs] Thank God.

Pops, just the man I wanted to see.

Tell me what to do.

Hey, look, you got a nickel in your face mask.

Not the nickel trick now!

I got stabbed in the face.

I need advice... real life-saving advice.

Adam, let's just go home.

You'll do your "Princess Bride" thing.

Of course. That was my answer... the very movie that brought me here in the first place.

Just like lnigo Montoya, I'd rise up and fight in the name of my father!

"The Pincess Bride."

That's it.

Back for more?

[Imitates lnigo Montoya] Hello. My name is lnigo Montoya.

You killed my father. Prepare to die.

What now?

Hello. My name is lnigo Montoya.

You killed my father. Prepare to die.

Dude, what is your deal?

Hello. My name is lnigo Montoya.

You killed my father. Prepare to die.

Your father is right there.

He sold us our sectional.

Attaboy, kiddo!

[Murray laughs]

My son's gonna be in the Olympics!

In the Olympics!

I wasn't, but I was still a champion to my dad.

♪ Each morning I get up I die a little ♪
♪ Can barely stand on my feet ♪

And even though Erica refused to admit she was a yenta...

She got her solo back thanks to the matchmaking skills she learned from my mom.

Erica, thank you for telling me about the big sale... on brown pants and shirts.

Of course.

Could I get my co-worker to help you? I'm kind of slammed today.

Gail, would you mind helping my friend here find some slacks?

♪ Somebody to love? ♪

Hi.

I bet you'd be interested to know Gail here has a giant lizard.

Emerald tree or spiny-tailed?

I'll tell you all about it while you try on some corduroys.

Okay.

Okay.

This way.

Schmoopie.

Oh, no.

No proud hugs.

[Chuckles] I'm not a yenta.

Not even a little yenta?

Do you want to hide in a dressing room so we can hear what they're talking about?

We'll stop by housewares and get a glass to press against the wall.

Move, move, move.

Once Mr. Woodburn had conveniently met his perfect match, he didn't care so much about Miss Cinoman and Coach Rick.

And that's the power of the yenta.

Despite the gossip and meddling...

All they really want is to find each single person somebody to love.

Coach, are you crying?

You only get one cry in life, son, and this is it.

Can we stop running now?

♪ Till the tears run down from my eyes, lord ♪

Even though I grew up in a small town...

We still had our fair share of adventure and romance.

And while my dad wasn't much for either...

We still managed to find our overlap.

'Cause that's the thing about family.

Sometimes they demand a lot, but you love them so much...

You can't help but give in and say, "as you wish."

Dad, what are you...

I, uh, watched the movie, and it's not bad.

♪ Somebody to love ♪

[Chuckles]

Okay, let's, uh, get this over with.

Okay. So, come over here.

Stand right there and try and look enormous.

There we go.

Helen Schur says her son is working on Wall Street.

I just saw him bagging groceries at Walmart.

[Groans] I need the phone!

You've literally been on it for seven hours!

I'm telling you Dottie Anderson's leg... 100% wood.

4 carats my ass, Linda Schwartz.

We all know she's sporting a cubic Z.

Oh, they don't own that house. They're renters.

Said that. You said that. You said that.