03x01 - A Kick-Ass Risky Business Party

[bunniefuu]

Back in the '80s, Tom Cruise danced, *** crashed *** In the classic teen movie, Risky Business, He was a pantless party bad-ass, *** But for my brother Barry, Risky Business wasn't just a movie, it was a plan for life.

Damn it, ***, I'm going again.

Shoes were a bad idea!

Going again!

Whoooooo!

What did I tell you about Tom Cruising the floor, huh?

It's incredibly risky.

Risky. That's the point.

[Scoffs] I mean it, Barry.

Take those sunglasses off and look me in the eye.

Do you want to cr*ck your head open?

No Tom Cruising. Say it.

[Mumbling] No Tom Cruising.

Say it like someone who doesn't want brain damage.

[Clearly] No Tom Cruising.

For years, all Barry wanted was to live "Risky Business."

Hey.

And he finally got his sh*t thanks to his rebellious, bad-influence girlfriend, Lainey Lewis.

[Tires screech]

Porsche. There is no substitute.

Dude.

This is super hot and awesome, but your dad's gonna k*ll you.

Actually, my dad just left for a flooring convention in Atlanta.

He gave me a buttload of pizza money and two rules... no driving his Porsche and no parties.

One down, one to go.

Sweet Rebecca De Mornay, it's happening!

We're gonna throw a real, live kick-ass "risky business" party!

Erica, we need a keg stat.

Lainey, jump in back.

Big tasty's taking the wheel.

[Groans] I can't move my legs.

I don't belong back here. Why is it so hot?!

Turn the vents on me.

My God, please stop whining!

But this was supposed to be my "risky business" moment.

I'm Tom cruise.

No, you're the weird guy in the movie who sits in the back.

The dude who played Booger? That's bullcrap.

I'm not Booger. You be Booger.

Cramp! Leg cramp! [Grunts]

My hamstrings are too muscular.

What are you doing?

I got to stretch out.

Just sit there like a good booger!

Get your foot off the gear shift!

I'm trying!

[Tires screeching, all screaming]

Nobody move!

I'm just gonna move a little.

Barry! Don't move.

Don't worry. I'm like a ninja.

I'm just gonna...

I think it's fair to say this was everyone's fault.

Shut up, Booger.

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪
♪ But nonetheless I feel the need to say ♪
♪ I don't know the future ♪
♪ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

It was September 23, 1980-something.

And I was on my first official long distance relationship, with my first official girlfriend, Dana Caldwell.

No, you hang up.

No, you hang up.

No, you hang up.

You hang up.

You hang up.

You hang up.

You hang up.

Someone please hang up.

I can't hear what Jake is saying to the fat man.

Back before e-mail and Skype, the only way to stay connected was to talk on the telephone or, for extra romance, sing.

[Off-key] ♪ Step by step ♪

Unfortunately, my voice was in a transitional period.

♪ Left, right, left ♪
♪ We all fall down ♪
♪ Like toy soldiers ♪

Oh, my God, that terrible sound is you?

Leave the singing to the professionals... me!

Even though my voice changed, we were still as strong as ever.

I was thinking that Friday night we could look at Hailey's comet together.

Only comes around once every lifetime.

Aww. You're amazing.

So, I'll watch it from here and you'll watch it in Seattle.

Whoa. You're talking to Seattle?

I thought Danielle lived down the street.

It's Dana, and I told you a million times she moved.

You can't call Seattle before 8:00.

Do you have any idea how much your girlfriend's gonna cost me?

[Dial tone]

Hey! You made me hang up first.

I'm sorry, Adam.

I can't afford your love. It's too pricy.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means I'm canceling our long-distance service.

There, it's done.

Relationship over.

Pops, talk some sense into this heartless man.

You're a smart kid.

Find a creative way to connect with her.

You know, I once dated a Filipino woman via telegram.

Really?

Of course, Western union had to shut us down because Mala could get very filthy in just three sentences.

Point is: Love!

Okay, you're useless to me.

As angry as I was, it couldn't hold a candle to the rage my mom felt when she found out about the Porsche.

Do not be fooled by my sweater.

I am not flappy.

I'm very flangry.

The good news is, Lainey, I spoke to your father.

I told him all about his car and all about the kick-ass "risky business" party.

What?! How do you know about that?

"List of stuff to get for our kick-ass 'risky business' party because Lainey's dad is in Atlanta."

Idiot! Why'd you write it down?

I'm a visual thinker.

Hush up!

The good news is, Lainey, your dad agreed to let you stay with us until he gets back.

That means I have six days to fix your entire life.

No way.

You have already ruined our lives with your insane love.

You're not ruining Lainey's, too.

Please, she's hot rodding, failing her classes, spending time with shady friends. Hey!

Showing questionable taste in boys.

That's fair.

Maybe this is all a blessing in disguise.

I really could use some of your amazing mom wisdom, Mrs. G.

I mean, I've always admired you and your store-bought sweaters.

Oh, no, I made this myself.

What?

You should be a business owner and a millionaire by now.

See, this makes me very flappy, you two learn from her.

We're gonna have so much fun.

I'll show you how to make my famous shrimp parm.

Have you heard of it?

Of course you have. It's famous.

Duh, Beverly.

Yum.

What is wrong with you?

You never ask for her mom wisdom ever.

Chill.

I'm just telling her what she wants to hear.

Wow.

So, the party's back on?

Wow.

Whoo!

I'm gonna go write a list of things we need to get.

Stop writing lists!

Learn from your mistakes!

While Erica and Barry were trying to outsmart my mom, I was outsmarting the phone company.

[Telephone rings]

Hello?

Operator: You have a collect call from...

Dana, I love you, my dad is a putz, how was your day, I want to kiss your...

[dial tone] Adam?

Face.

Face!

How will she know?

[Receiver slams]

But as fate would have it, a new advancement in phone technology would let me talk to Dana, and it was glorious.

There it is.

Behold the gem of the forbidden teacher's lounge... the fax machine.

I know it's dangerous, but Dana's worth the risk.

She's my soul mate.

Suit yourself, man.

Dave Kim likes them thick.

It was perfect plan, Dana would have my passionate love letter in her hands in mere seconds.

Or hours. What the...

Turns out the fax totally sucked back then.

Why are you so slow?

Oh, that's the wrong way.

It took me 10 minutes to send two frickin' pages, but I managed to escape without a trace.

Oh, hell no.

This is the teacher's lounge.

This place is sacred.

So help me God, you are in so much trouble.

Oh.

Someone took the tab for my flier for guitar lessons.

Wow.

You are so lucky this day has turned around for me.

[Chuckles]

Oh, no, wait a minute. I forgot.

I did it myself to get the ball rolling.

Damn it!

You are in so much trouble again.

♪

Hey, is it cool if Anthony balsamo's brother invites his frat to the party?

Dude, what part of "risky business" party don't you understand?

My God, it's gonna be awesome!

Hello!

Erica and Barry! It's your mom!

And, Lainey, it's your mom for the week!

Oh, no. She's here. It's happening.

What's she doing here?

Why is there no color in your faces?

I'm waving my arms.

The start of every year, my mom storms the school and demands that we get the best teachers and classes.

They call it...

The demanding of excellence.

Oh, come on. No one calls it that.

Oh, sweet lord.

It's the demanding of excellence.

Show no fear.

Mom, stop right there, okay?

I told you I don't need or want your help.

Please take up tennis.

Have a leisurely lunch with a friend.

Just let us be.

Oh, snuggle monkeys, I'm not here for you.

I'm here for Lainey.

Me?

No, no.

No, see, you can't just walk in here demanding excellence for other students.

That's not how school works.

You can only parent your own child.

Oh, I'll parent every damn child in this school if I have to.

Hell, I'll even parent you.

Don't parent me.

Looks like you got some color at the beach.

Did you wear sunscreen?

Don't do that.

Did you reapply after you went in the water?

Huh? Tell me.

I can't remember.

I was having fun.

What about this apple?

Did you wash it?

Yeah.

Don't you lie to me. It still has a sticker on it.

Okay, damn it! Just tell me what you want!

Just tell me!

She's cheerleading five days a week and yet you still have her taking gym class.

Okay, fine.

Want to have study hall instead?

Wait, for real?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Keep being my mom. Do it. Go.

I also noticed Lainey isn't cheer captain when she's clearly the most talented dancer on the squad.

I demand you make her captain, and I want her on top of the pyramid.

Here's a list of more demands.

Meet them.

And wash that apple.

My work is done here. See you at dinner.

What happened?! What did she do?!

I'm so angry even though I don't have any of the information.

Chill. It was actually awesome.

She's gone. You can drop the act now.

It's not an act.

No! Our mom is just poisoning your mind with her endless well of love and support.

Yeah, I'm not seeing how that's a bad thing.

[Scoffs]

No, where are you going?

Cheer practice, where I'm the captain.

You can't leave. We have a party to plan.

Yeah, no party. Not feeling it.

Maybe some other time.

What the hell just happened?

Did we just lose our kick-ass "risky business" party?

It's worse.

We just lost Lainey.

Thanks for coming in, Mr. Goldberg.

Wanted to address this teacher's lounge breach head on.

Couldn't this have been a phone call?

Believe me, I don't want to be here either.

After school, I go to the mall with my parrot and people treat me with respect.

Her name is Feather Locklear.

Real head Turner.

Look, I'm sorry I used the fax, but I just want to reach my girlfriend.

Again with the girlfriend! Unbelievable!

You're a guidance guy. Guide him.

Tell him long-distance relationships don't work.

I'm sorry, I beg to differ.

I've been in a long-distance relationship for the past seven years.

Really?

Really?

Yeah. Ellen lives in Tampa.

And I'm lucky, too, because Ellen has a male roommate to keep an eye on her when we're apart.

She lives with a guy?

Yeah, Todd.

He's a lifeguard, so he can totally give her CPR if she ever gets in any kind of trouble.

He's a real stud. [Chuckles]

I mean, does he even own a shirt?

[Laughs]

See, dad? It can work.

Okay, pay attention. This might be helpful to you.

Uh, this long-distance girlfriend you got, you see her much?

Well, not since she went to Paris.

And of course, Todd tagged along because he speaks French.

He's a good egg.

It sounds like she's with this Todd guy.

[Chuckles] No, no, no.

She's taken his last name for insurance purposes.

Point is, long-distance can work.

I want to believe you, but your story has some holes.

Hey, don't flip this back on me you and Dana are the ones on the rocks.

Frankly, we used to gab about you guys in the teacher's lounge how we didn't think your relationship had legs.

You're both wrong.

I may not be able to call or fax Dana, but she will know how I feel, even if it means doing the unthinkable.

Bro, you've come to the right person for love advice.

Let's do this.

Without the phone or the fax, my only option was a musical love letter, written by my brother and starring me.

Hey, sweet baby girl.

I know we can't talk on the phone, so I'm gonna just let the music speak for me.

And I'll be speaking, too, 'cause this jam is written by big tasty.

Ain't that right, lil' yum yum?

That's not my name, girl.

While I was starting to feel this was a bad idea, Lainey couldn't have felt more at home.

So, then you're gonna say to yourself, "Hey, that's too much cheese."

But you know what?

It's never too much cheese.

God, this is so much better than cold pizza every night.

And I love that little note you put in my lunch today.

Well, I meant every word of it, my little snuggle monster.

Yep, Lainey was happy to be a Goldberg, but the Goldbergs weren't so happy.

It's like there's two Moms now.

This is bad. This is really bad.

All I wanted was a kick-ass "risky business" party and a free pass to Princeton.

Is that too much to ask?

Don't give up hope yet.

It's time to bring out the big g*ns.

Tissue me.

[Crying]

And then he said, "let's break up," and I'm like, "but I love you," and he's like, "I love you, too, but I'm not in love with you."

I'm sorry, Lainey.

I just really need my mom's full and undivided attention.

Wow, it's so surprising and unsettling to hear that you've had a boyfriend all this time and none of us knew about it.

Say, what was his name?

H-his name?

Uh-huh.

His... his name was, uh...

Shrimpson.

Shrimpson?

It's Dutch! [Crying]

I'm sorry, Lainey. Maybe you should go.

No. No, no, no.

You're just trying to remove me from her life just like how you removed me from yours.

What?!

How dare you.

Good luck with Mr. Shrimpsteen.

It's Shrimpson!

[Crying]

Okay, what are you doing?

Saving you.

From what?

Your mom's cooking?

Her sweet little notes? Her support?

Yeah, sure, it seems nice now, but my mom loves us more than any Mom loves her kids.

I don't think the problem here is your mom.

It's you. You don't appreciate her.

Fine.

But don't say I didn't warn you.

♪

Lainey.

Come to temporary Mommy.

Lainey. Lainey!

[Tapping]

Hi. [Chuckles]

What are you doing here?

In the middle of the day?

Oh, it's kind of my thing. You'll see.

I just wanted to drop this off.

S.A.T. Prep?

Yeah, here's the thing. I'm not going to college.

What's that, now?

I want to be a dancer in New York.

Or Vegas, whichever one's closer.

Oh.

That sounds fun.

But yeah, you're going to college.

I'm really not.

Oh, you are.

I spoke to your father about it, and he signed off.

This is Raji.

He'll be tutoring you every day at study hall and Saturdays at 8:00 A.M. when you're nice and fresh.

I'll see you at dinner, love bug.

Your mom's very pushy.

As Lainey was starting to panic about her new smother, I was finishing my love jam.

♪ Nothin' in between us ♪
♪ No distance can defeat us ♪
♪ Dat's love ♪
♪ Miles, inches, yards, feet ♪
♪ Fathoms in the oceans, kilometers on the street ♪
♪ He'd punch a stegosaurus ♪
♪ Jump the grand canyon ♪
♪ Karate kick Godzilla ♪
♪ Just to be your companion ♪
♪ Nothing in between u... ♪

It's bad, isn't it?

It's not great.

Well, I've tried everything.

You were right, Dad.

Long distance never works.

You win.

You know, I seem to recall a certain long-distance relationship that worked just fine.

What are you talking about?

Those six months you spent in ROTC away from Beverly.

You know, when you called her every single day.

That was different. I was an adult.

Just 'cause he's a kid doesn't mean his feelings aren't real.

Trust me, Mur. He loves that girl.

♪ There's nothin' in between us ♪
♪ 'Cept love ♪
♪ And dinosaurs ♪

While I had given up, Erica and Lainey were preparing to take on my mom.

What have I done? I unleashed the beast.

Oh, this is not good. You were right.

This isn't a time for "I told you so."

It's a time for action, and I told you so!

I'll do whatever you say to make it stop.

There's only one way.

She thinks that she calls the sh*ts, but you have to break her heart and show her that you do.

May I suggest throwing a kick-ass "risky business" party?

Can you stop eavesdropping like a weirdo?

I eavesdrop like a badass, and you know it.

The weirdo's right.

The party is back on.

Yes!

Girl: Whoo!

Within three hours, Lainey's house was jumping.

A little too much.

The TV was stolen, furniture was danced upon, the record player was pizza'd.

Also, this lady showed up.

Hey, we wanted "risky business," right?

Yeah, but not this much.

I think there are actual you-know-what-stitutes here.

Even the nice geeks at school got swept up in the madness and decided to let loose.

[Slow-motion] No!

Unfortunately, they let loose an MVP football trophy Lainey's dad had won in college.

This party needed a hero.

And tonight, it wasn't Tom cruise.

And...

It wasn't Barry Goldberg.

It was my mom.

Turns out the only thing worse than an insane party is an insanely mad Smother.

It was 1:00 A.M, and the party was still raging. So was my mom.

I have failed as a mother and as a temporary mother.

Shame on you.

Lying, sneaking out, betraying my trust.

I mean, come o... oh.

My God. Thank you for coming.

I'm so sorry.

Oh. Save us from ourselves.

Shh.

Everything's gonna be all right. Mama will fix it.

[Chuckles]

Just let me soak in this hug for one more moment.

And then the fixing began, as my mom made the coolest party painfully uncool.

I know I told you never to Tom cruise the floor, but sometimes you just got to say, "what the [Bleep]"

[Intro to Bob seger's "old time rock and roll" plays]

[Volume increases]

♪ Just take those old records off the shelf ♪

Turns out it actually comes in handy to have a smother so embarrassing that she can clear out a party.

But in that moment, my brother and sister realized that Lainey was right.

♪ I like that old time rock and roll ♪

It's not so bad having a Mom willing to risk everything for her kids...

[Crashes] I'm okay.

And when the smoke clears, clean up their mess.

Thank you for staying.

It was pretty cool of you.

Look.

I know I got carried away with Lainey.

[Chuckles]

It's just...

I loved having someone who was willing to listen.

Someone who's not always pushing me away.

And I know you love us more than anything.

And we appreciate it.

We really do.

So maybe you won't push me away as much?

Depends if you won't get carried away so much.

Yeah, both aren't gonna happen.

[Chuckles]

For now.

That's the amazing thing about parents.

No matter how hard you push them away, they'll never let you go.

And sometimes, they give you just the push you need.

What you writing?

It's called a break-up letter.

Put your pen down.

You don't have to break up with what's-her-face.

Her name is...

Dana, yes.

I know. I know. I know.

[Sighs]

How about if I let you call her again?

Wait. Seriously?

10 minutes a night. Will that work?

Really?

10 minutes.

Not a second more. I mean it.

I got a stopwatch in the drawer.

You said long distance was impossible.

Yeah, well, I remembered that I actually knew a guy who pulled it off.

Really?

Yeah.

No matter how far away the girl was, he loved her, and that's all that mattered.

I love Dana.

I-I really do.

Well, then, make that call.

But 10 minutes only.

♪ Left, right, left ♪
♪ We all fall down ♪
♪ All fall down ♪

There, I see it. Hailey's comet.

My God, so cool.

Did you see it?

Yeah, I did.

Oh, my God, that was amazing.

You know what the best part was?

What?

I saw it with you.

It was a night I'd remember forever.

Sure, Dana and I were 3,000 Miles away, but we never felt closer.

And even though my dad said he couldn't afford our love, in the end, he knew there's just some things in life you can't put a price on.

Beverly: Adam, get off the roof. You'll break your neck.

♪ Only emptiness remains ♪

[Off-key] ♪ step by step ♪
♪ Heart to heart ♪
♪ Left, right, left ♪
♪ We'll all fall down ♪
♪ Like toy soldiers ♪

I'll be your boyfriend.

Yeah, I'll be your boyfriend, okay?

Don't you see we're young? It doesn't matter what we do.

[Belches]

Did you just take a tab?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, you have no idea how long I've waited for this moment.

Yeah, I just wanted to... learn how to shred the axe? You will.

Oh. You just wanted to...

It lost, it's minty flavor.

Wait a minute, Helen is with Todd!