03x04 - I Caddyshacked the Pool

[bunniefuu]

Adult Adam: Of all the indignities of middle school, nothing was worse than the soul-crushing humiliation of being forced to swim in gym class...

All right, swimmers, let's have some fun!

...the sickening smell of chlorine, the thick, humid air, having to be shirtless in front of your class while you were at your most gawky and awkward. And it was worse for the girls. They would have to parade in front of us at the most self-conscious time in their lives.

Please don't look at me.

Please don't look at me. Please don't look at me!

Yep, you dreaded it all year until, at last, it was unavoidable. Or... Was it?

Goldfarb. No suit, again, I see.

What is it this time?

I have a contagious butt rash.

I hated swimming so much, I would try pretty much anything to get out of it.

Swimming is against my religion.

I'm allergic to water.

I have an irritable bowel.

I got one heck of a fungus downstairs.

Yep, I had beaten the system.

Adam is failing gym class.

Or so I thought. I'd say the failing is yours, but continue.

Your son comes in every day with a new excuse for why he can't swim.

If my schmoops says he can't swim, then he must have a legitimate reason, and I fully support him.

So, you can vouch for your son's claim that he can't get into the pool because he's a C.I.A. operative wearing a wire?

That's classified.

I think I can shed some light on what's going on here.

Wow. Please do.

Your boy is self-conscious because of his wig.

He doesn't wear a wig.

Well, I'm stumped.

But you better figure something out, because an "F" in gym means Adam will never get to be a physical educator later in life.

Oh, no.

He'll also have to repeat the 8th grade.

Oh, no!

Yeah, probably should've led with that.

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪
♪ But nonetheless, I feel the need to say ♪
♪ I don't know the future ♪
♪ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

It was October 14, 1980-something, and Erica was doing what she did every day... hanging with the cool kids.

This one's shiny, and this one's thermal.

This one's flannel.

[Gasps] This one's denim.

Ooh, that's super-rare.

Oh... My God.

We are smart, ambitious women, and we're talking about scrunchies.

Is this really the best that we can do in our lives?

Ooh, wait. I've got something.

No. It's also about scrunchies.

But lately she had been finding hanging with the cool kids a little less fulfilling.

Luckily, her search for meaning came to an end when she saw one iconic video...

"We Are the World," an epic song for charity that brought together all America's biggest music legends.

And for Erica, it was about to give her shallow life meaning.

Look... Kenny Rogers and Kenny Loggins!

That's the two best Kennys in one room... unheard of.

You're right. If they can make a difference, so can I.

This changes everything.

Attention, everyone.

After some careful reflection, I am devoting myself to changing the world.

Good for you, sweetheart.

That's very selfless and admirable.

Yeah, that's great. [Coughing] Poser.

Excuse me?

Oh, I was just agreeing with pops.

[Coughing] Poser.

You take it back right now.

Poser!

I am not a poser.

P-p-p-poser, poser, p-p-poser.

Stop it.

P-p-p-p-p-p...

Stop.

P-p-p-p...

[coughs] Poser.

- Shut up!

Back then, "poser" was the worst name you could call someone.

It meant you were a fake, a phony, or wearing the t-shirt of a band you knew nothing about.

Poser.

I am not a poser.

Social awareness is super-important to me.

I even got principal ball to start a social awareness club at school.

Aw. It's just like when we saw that "We Are the Earth" song.

You got inspired by music? Ha!

I am not a poser, okay?

You're the one who pretends to be a rapper and a ka-ra-te master.

I don't pretend anything.

At my core, I'm a break-dancing samurai ninja who spits mad rhymes and dunks mad jams.

That's just a smorgasbord of absurd things mashed together in one ridiculous human.

You want to know what's ridiculous?

That you think people would actually care about your dumb social awareness club, especially one started by a poser.

You're a poser!

Copied my insult... ergo, you're a poser!

Logic! Barry wins!

You did not! Erica wins!

No, he won. You copied him.

It was weak, sweetheart.

Have a slice of pizza and be happy.

While Barry was tearing down Erica's idea, my mom was about to try to build me up.

Why don't we try to get the chief in a good mood for a change?

Nell Carter looks like she gives great hugs.

What's going on with you?

I hate dress...

No!

Hey!

Guess who just had a meeting with Coach Mellor.

Apparently, Adam is failing.

I don't get it. You used to love to swim.

But I figured it out.

Really?

Yeah. It's your bathing suit.

You're growing fast, and it's pinching your little coin purse.

That's why I got you these jams...

Nice roomy swim trunks for all your bits and berries.

Go on. Model them for mama.

I don't want to model the jams.

Come on. They're jams.

I know they're jams.

Well, then show us how handsome you look in your new jams.

I don't want the jams.

Come on. They're jams.

He doesn't want the damn jams! Leave the boy alone already!

Well, someone has to address the issue with his little marbles.

Nobody wants their mom talking about their yam bag.

My God! The problem isn't the swimsuit.

It's just... I hate taking off my shirt.

Why?

I'm ashamed of my body. Okay?

You're ashamed?

Of this beautiful wall of deliciousness?

Those words make it so much worse.

I'm never swimming again.

Even if George Lucas invited me to a pool party in the swamps of Dagobah, I'd still say no.

I mean, I'd go and check it out.

How many chances do you have to meet Yoda?

But I would not go into the pool.

My mom hoped she could save me.

Meanwhile, my sister was saving the world.

What's all this about?

It's the first meeting of the social awareness club.

Erica's dumb thing?

But it's packed... and with cool kids.

How's this possible?

And that's when I decided that I had to change the world.

Wait, she's getting interviewed by the William Penn Mirror?

Come on... don't get all jealous 'cause your sister's making news.

And me eating 32 fish sticks in the cafeteria isn't?

This is classic media bias!

Please tell me the paper is writing an article about how you're the biggest poser in school.

No, because I'm not a poser.

But I did tell them that you were one, poser.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy on the P-word, huh?

What is this, a disco?

I really love my community and want to give back, but Erica won't let me.

Please! He's joining so that he can ruin my club from the inside.

You know, I think the Mirror might be interested to know that a social awareness club discriminates.

What are you writing?

We don't discriminate.

Barry is welcome, of course.

You can quote me on that.

Hm.

Okay, moving on to our first fundraiser...

I was thinking that a song could inspire people, kind of like "We Are the World."

I think that we focus on one issue that's super-important today... helping the people of Africa.

Question.

What?!

Why do you get to pick the issue?

Because it's the most important one.

To you, but what about the rainforest or raising awareness for the ozone or why Air Jordans are so expensive?

Air Jordans? That's not even a cause.

You know, I think the Mirror might be interested to know a social awareness club is run by a dictator.

No, just put Barry's ideas in your song, Erica.

Say, does anyone else have an issue to be made aware of?

Perhaps my wonderful girlfriend has a few.

Now that I think of it, there are, like, way too many nuclear weapons.

Ooh! That's a good one. Put it down.

Yeah, but nuclear energy is cleaner than burning fossil fuels.

That's true. So write "yes, nukes."

But I just wrote down "no nukes."

Who else has a cause? Don't be shy.

Save the wales, bro. Gotta do it.

Except the k*ller wales.

They're bad, 'cause they're K*llers.

So, I guess save some wales?

That makes no sense.

Write it down! Come on! Shout it out!

There are no bad ideas.

Poverty!

Scrunchies!

Our town needs a Bennigan's!

Johnny: Spay and neuter.

Naked Rob: Politics.

Andy: Acid rain.

As Erica was beginning to realize she had a problem, my mom was trying to solve mine.

What's shakin', bacon?

You up for a little chat about... oh, I don't know...

"Star Wars," robots, your body, video games?

Please, just go away.

Okay, not until you look at yourself in the mirror.

Come on.

Drink it all in.

Now say "I have a beautiful body."

Yeah, not gonna happen.

Oh, it will.

Look in the mirror and tell that beautiful body just how beautiful it is.

You need to leave.

Say it.

No!

Say "I have a beautiful body."

Never!

Let me show you how it's done.

[Clears throat]

I like my eyes 'cause they sparkle.

I like my shoulders 'cause they look good with or without pads.

[Chuckles]

I like my tummy 'cause it's where I baked you.

Make it stop!

Wait! My little angel's a 10!

You are a 10!

You're a [Bleep] 10!

After that debacle, I needed a laugh, so I turned to the funniest movie about a dancing gopher ever made...

"Caddyshack."

But instead of cracking me up, it gave me an idea.

I couldn't be expected to swim if the pool was suddenly shut down.

Those poor schmucks think someone had an accident, but it's just a candy bar!

This movie is a hoot!

[Laughs]

Things are just getting good. Where you going, kiddo?

I suddenly got a craving for a baby Ruth.

At 6:49 this morning, our faithful janitor discovered a foreign object in the pool.

Initially, we thought the object was...

Organic in nature, so we followed school protocol and drained the facilities.

Upon closer inspection, we determined that the floater in question was, in fact, a candy bar.

[Laughter]

Laugh it up, chuckleheads, but caddyshacking a pool is a serious offense.

[Camera shutter clicks]

I said no press!

Damn it.

Now this is gonna be all over the Mirror.

My plan had worked. The question was, how long could I get away with it?

♪ We don't want a nuclear winter ♪
♪ That's why we need a nuclear freeze ♪
♪ I know that's confusing... ♪

God. What the hell rhymes with "freeze"?

Did someone say "Barry"?

Get out!

Because of you, I have to write a ridiculous song about every issue in the world.

Chill, girl.

Big Tasty's got the answer to all your problems.

Merch.

Go away!

Just hear me out.

Songs are cute, but if you want to start making real cheddar, merch is where it's at.

Why are you still here?

Did you know the rolling stones make 93% of their money on t-shirts?

And the other 22%?

Stickers!

Merch, baby! Merch!

I'm not doing a thing you say.

Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup.

Reserve your judgment until you see the back.

Are you kidding me?!

Your merch is all about getting you sneakers.

Exactly!

You see, at first, I thought you were just some dumb poser, but then I realized your dumb poser crap can help get me my Air Jordans.

That's it! I don't care what the principal says.

You're out of my club.

You can't do that!

I just did.

Oh-ho. The Mirror's gonna have a field day with you, poser.

Call me "poser" all you want. I don't care anymore.

In fact, you are worse than a poser.

All you are is a joke.

Oh, we'll see who the joke is once I start my own rival social awareness club to raise money for barity.

Barity? That's not a thing.

It's a Barry charity... a barity.

And it will crush your charity.

Wha...

Stop!

Barry!

Stop it!

All right, listen up.

I figured keeping you here hours after class would flush out our prankster.

Alvin, our janitor, gave me that pun.

If the culprit doesn't come forward by next class, you will all be punished!

But know this... I will find you.

My time was running out, so my only option was to create confusion.

Whoever did this, stop being a putz and just admit it.

Honestly, dude, we were all kind of thinking it was you.

Guys, it can't be me. That would be too obvious.

It's always the last person that you suspect.

Don't nod at me.

Everyone knows Dave Kim's allergic to nuts.

And how do you just happen to know that candy bar had nuts?

They all have nuts!

Not Milky Way. That's nougat.

Nougat is nuts!

You're making that up.

The primary ingredients in nougat are sugar, nuts, and egg whites.

Like a criminal mastermind, I had created confusion, and it was glorious.

But Erica was about to create confusion of a different kind.

Hey, Lainey.

Yeah, Erica?

When did the Earth die?

Today.

Today.

Unless you open your eyes and your wallets.

Uno, dos, tres...

Cuatro.

♪ Listen up, America, let's get socially aware ♪
♪ Stop thinkin' about yourself ♪
♪ Your clothes, your grades, your hair ♪
♪ Stop the nukes and pollution ♪
♪ Acid rain is not our friend ♪
♪ Save the whales, the ozone ♪
♪ And we'd love to get a Bennigan's ♪
♪ We'll fix the world ♪
♪ Yes, every problem ♪
♪ There's way too many on this list ♪
♪ But we will solve them ♪
♪ We want a two-day school week ♪
♪ And Lando Calrissian for president ♪
♪ And relax the school's policy on nudity ♪
♪ And I want a date with Erica ♪

Geoff, stop changing the words.

♪ No, acid rain, yes, recycling ♪
♪ But no more death penalty ♪
♪ Unless the guy really deserves it ♪
♪ Then zap him, I'd agree ♪
♪ Or her ♪
♪ 'Cause we're for equal rights, as well-el-el-ellllll ♪
♪ We'll fix the world ♪
♪ Yes, every problem ♪
♪ No matter how dumb they are ♪
♪ Yes, we will solve them ♪

Guys. Guys, they're leaving.

Wai... what? Wait, stop! We have 10 more verses!

Doughnuts!

Charitable doughnuts for sale!

What the...

Don't be shy. All doughnuts go to barity.

What the hell is this?

Victory. My friend Terrance, he works at the Wawa.

He gave me all the day-old doughnuts they were gonna trash.

You people are eating garbage pastries.

Why don't you write a song about it, Bob Dylan?

One glazed, please.

This isn't a charity. It's exchanging money for goods.

It's a business.

You're just jealous, 'cause I'm changing the world one doughnut at a time.

Fine. I give up.

So you admit it.

You're the poser, not me.

I just wanted to do something important, but I guess you were right.

[Voice breaking] No one cares, and no matter how hard I try, I'll never make a difference.

Two days!

It's been two long, swimless days, and our prankster still hasn't admitted to caddyshacking the pool.

Until our culprit comes forward, you will all run laps every day, all period long.

Mirsky.

So, you're saying we run laps instead of swimming?

That's right.

Nice!

Wait, hold on. Stop, stop, stop.

You're telling me you'd rather run laps indefinitely than get in the pool?

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's good.

Well, in that case...

Swimming for the rest of the year!

We can't just swim all year. What about basketball?

It'll be water basketball.

Dodgeball?

Pool dodgeball.

Crab soccer?

You'll be on rafts.

[All gasp]

For the love of God, whoever did this, just admit it.

Okay, fine. I know who did it.

The other day after class, Adam...

[Dramatic music plays]

...made us realize it was Dave Kim.

What?!

I didn't see that coming.

Dave Kim, my office.

It's a setup! It couldn't have been me!

Nougat is nuts.

The primary ingredient is nuts.

Maybe we're being a little hasty.

You can't protect him now, Goldfarb.

He made his choice.

Not so funny now, are you, Candyman?

- [groans]

Hey!

"Caddyshame"?

Dave Kim is guilty?

I cannot believe this.

Everybody knows Dave Kim is allergic to nuts, and nougat is nuts.

No, this has Adam written all over it.

We've watched that movie a million times.

No! Adam wouldn't do that.

I solved his problems by forcing him to love his body.

Nobody wants to hear that sort of thing from their mother.

Well, if that's true, then I suppose he needs to hear it from his father.

Or his grandfather.

I'm not saying that weird stuff to the boy.

We keep it loose.

Murray, you need to do this!

Now go up there and tell him he has a beautiful body before he believes he doesn't.

And so my dad set off to tell me I had a beautiful body.

Hey. Uh... How you doing?

Why are you in my room?

Just came by to say "hi" and [Mumbles]

What?

To tell you yougotabeautifulbody.

What?

You know, thatyougotabeautifulbody.

See, y-y-you keep trailing off, specifically at the end.

You got a beautiful body.

This body of yours... beautiful!

Don't ever tell me that again!

Deal.

But...

Let's be truthful.

You don't have a beautiful body.

Thanks.

You're in middle school.

Your body... it's stinky and greasy and it's growing too fast.

And when you talk, it's... it's like a...

A broken kazoo.

Those days were horrible.

I remember them. I really do.

Since when have you had a shred of insecurity about your body?

You'll go anywhere in your tighty-whities.

That's now.

When I was your age, I hated my body.

The good news is, I grew up, and life b*at me down so hard that I eventually stopped caring.

And someday, life will crap on you so hard that you'll stop caring, too!

That's... oddly comforting.

Trust me.

Eventually, you'll realize it doesn't matter what other people think.

Thanks to my dad, I knew I had to take a stand.

All right, everybody, settle in.

Gonna watch this jokester do laps for the next hour.

Anything you'd like to say before you begin your aquatic odyssey?

I didn't do it.

It was time to be a man and take responsibility for what I'd done.

Wait.

I did it. I caddyshacked the pool.

[Students gasp]

Innocent!

Look, this wasn't some prank.

I did it because I hate swimming.

We all do.

We dread having to wear our swimsuits in front of each other because we feel super-weird about our super-weird bodies.

So if it's a crime to be self-conscious, then I guess I'm guilty.

But just ask yourself...

Isn't that punishment enough?

No.

A month's detention.

Balls.

As for the rest of you...

Is he right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right, look.

I know not everyone is in peak physical condition, like coach.

A lot of you got baby fat.

Some of you are gangly, spaghetti-armed monsters.

Others just look like a sack of paste.

But if this is how you feel, then I am willing to make even the worst of you a little more comfortable.

That's the crazy thing about growing up...

Help comes when you least expect it...

From the people you expect the least from.

♪ And like the sweetest cup... ♪

What's this?

Consider it a baritable donation to your social whatever club.

But this is your Air Jordan money.

Why would you give this to me?

Look, maybe you are a poser, but so am I.

Don't tell anyone, but I can't dunk on Charles Barkley.

I'm not in the Yakuza.

And even though it looks like it, my body's not as cut as LL Cool J's.

Well, your secret's safe with me.

So, we're both posers, and so are all our friends.

I guess we're all just trying to figure it out.

But the one thing I do know... you will definitely make a difference.

♪ Who's gonna save you... ♪

Thanks, Barry. Thank you.

When we're young, we're all just trying to figure out who we are.

Donate to make a change, people.

If it's an issue you care about, it's on this shirt.

♪ Alive and kicking ♪

And sometimes other people see our potential before we do.

♪ Stay until your love ♪

Poopie. You like the jams.

I thought maybe I'd wear them to swim class.

And even though it's scary to not know where you're going, with people who love you, you know you'll be okay.

I made him feel beautiful.

You sure did, Bev.

♪ Whoa ♪

At times, you'll struggle to be comfortable in your own skin, but if you look around, you'll find you're in pretty great company.

[Whistle blows]

♪ Alive and kicking ♪
♪ Stay until your love is ♪
♪ Alive and kicking ♪
♪ Alive ♪

[kids screaming playfully]

Crazy awesome news...

My barity is back in full effect.

Dear God.

How do you keep making these t-shirts so fast?

Mom's got iron-on decals of all our faces.

Check mine out.

No, take it off!

Focus!

I wanted to let you know I took a page out of your book, wrote a dope song to raise money for a good cause.

Kick it, JTP.

[Beatboxing]

[Rapping] ♪ Poverty, pollution, the world ain't fair ♪
♪ What this planet needs is clean water and air ♪

All: Jordans!

Stop, stop, stop!

That was amazing, and you definitely need to do it in front of the whole school.

Yes! Philanthropy, Barry wins.