03x08 - In Conclusion, Thanksgiving

[bunniefuu]

Adult Adam: Back in the '80s, my mom was obsessed with Thanksgiving. When it came to her cooking, everything had to be perfect. She even made practice turkeys fore the big day.

Mmm!

I need feedback.

That's good!

But not great.

What?

I'm going again.

To my mom, it was a time for family.

For my dad, it was a hassle.

Why do we got to schlep all the way here to go shopping when we got a perfectly good market a minute away from our house?

Well, I thought this time of year, a change of scenery would...

Oh, look! Murray, there's your father!

What are the odds we'd run into him in a totally random grocery store?

You got a bag boy to tip you off, didn't you?

So, I have eyes everywhere.

What? Does that make me some kind of villain?

Bevy, every year you ask me to invite that spiteful, miserable man to Thanksgiving.

You got to give it up.

You're right.

He's your father, and I have no right to...

Hi! Ben, look! It's your son... Murray!

You remember Murray.

Hi, Dad. How you doing?

My foot's still got that thing. And I need eye surgery.

Yeah, good stuff.

So, any plans for the holiday, Ben?

Yeah, I got it right here.

This compartment is the stuffing.

That's the sweet potatoes.

That gray circle... that's the turkey.

Come on, wouldn't a home-cooked meal be much better than that?

That depends. You know what happened the last time I ate your cooking.

That was right after we got married.

That was ages ago.

Your turkey was drier than the sun.

It was like eating the inside of a vacuum bag filled with pencil shavings.

I did not enjoy the meal.

You? No.

It was the first time I'd ever cooked Thanksgiving by myself.

My kids were little. They were hanging all over me.

I didn't even have a baster. I was baster-less!

No baster could fix your food crimes.

Sorry, pal. You deserve better.

Nice seeing you, Dad.

Eh, it was okay.

This is not over.

You invite that callous, hurtful man to Thanksgiving right now!

See, I see why you're hocking me all the time to invite him.

You just want to show my dad that you're a good cook.

The best cook.

And family is important and... stuff.

Well, it's not gonna happen.

It's bad enough you invite my moron brother every year.

Oh, stop. Marvin's not that bad.

Gobble, gobble! Hide your turkeys, ladies!

[Both laugh]

You little muskrat!

Pfb-pfb-pfb-pfb! Oh!

Looking good, Uncle Marvin.

I'm feeling good. I lost 10 pounds.

I gained 6, lost 4, gained 2.

Also, your voice is weird.

It is. I... I'm hoping this isn't where it lands.

[Chuckles] That's the spirit.

[Deep voice] Mur-man!

Ahh!

Hey!

What's with the, uh, pajamas?

You mean these certified medical scrubs?

As you know, I'm almost a fully licensed chiropractor.

Ah. Good. Another one of your half-baked schemes.

Schemes? What schemes?

First, you were breeding alpacas.

Then you were selling alpaca wool.

Then came alpaca burgers.

What the hell was I supposed to do with a dozen dead alpacas?!

Regardless...

Those were all obvious steps to chiropractology.

I don't know if that's the official title.

They reveal that to us at graduation.

That's something to look forward to.

See that? Negativity.

I could take away all of your stress just with a single... "Tktk!"... cr*ck of your cervical spine.

[Scoffs] No.

Come on. Come on! Come on!

Aah! No!

I'm serious. Stay away from me.

Hey, come over here. Come on.

No, no, no, no.

Don't struggle. Come on.

No. No!

I don't want to break anything.

Unh!

Get off me!

This feels dangerous and unsafe!

It is if you fight it!

Oh, I hate Thanksgiving! I hate it so much!

I'm a healer! Let me heal you!

Make it stop!

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪
♪ but nonetheless, I feel the need to say ♪
♪ I don't know the future ♪
♪ but the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

It was November 20th, 1980-something, and pops was ready to pass down a Thanksgiving tradition.

Erica, guess what. I got something for you.

A car?

No.

Did you get me a car?

No.

Did anyone get a car?

No. What is it with you kids and wanting a car?

It's kind of like, we don't have a car, but we want one.

Like a car.

Look, this is even better.

I want you to take over the Thanksgiving toast.

My grandfather passed it down to me, and now I pick you.

Ha! You have to keep a lame-ass family tradition alive.

You see, that's why I'm picking your sister...

'cause she's the heart and soul of this family, who'll keep this tradition alive.

Lies!

I'm the heart, soul, and deadly fists of this family, not her!

I want to do it!

You're right, kiddo.

If you really want to be toastmaster general, then you deserve a fair sh*t.

You're so dead.

Saying words good is my specialness.

To life!

You're clearly picking me.

I'm picking you.

To life.

Dad, I... I know you're swamped watching your big football contest.

Go, blue team.

I actually like the green team.

Fun stuff.

Listen, I don't want to waste your time, but I thought you should know that I might be working on my best video project yet.

W... what's happening?

I just need six more hours of therapeutic massage under my belt before I'm board-certified.

This isn't a good time.

Gotcha.

[Popping lips]

Anyway, now that I'm getting older and growing as an artist, I'm venturing away from robot movies and fart-based comedy skits to more serious work, with real emotional impact.

This still isn't a good time.

The moment felt right.

It's not.

Roger that.

♪ Beep, bap, bee-bap, boop ♪

Point is, I need a better wide-angle lens to fully realize my vision, but they're quite pricy.

My vision is I won't have any children asking me for money.

Go away!

Okay, okay, but this counts as an hour.

I'm gonna go get the paperwork for you to sign.

Look, all I want you to do is watch what I have already.

I think you'll see what I mean.

That year, I discovered the song "Cat's in the Cradle."

Like any teenage kid, the catchy chorus and "my dad is a jerk" lyrics spoke to me.

Harry Chapin: ♪ and the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon ♪
♪ little boy blue and the man in the moon ♪

Adult Adam: What I didn't realize... it spoke to my dad even more.

♪ But we'll get together then ♪
♪ you know we'll have a good time then ♪

Oh. That song.

[Remote clicks]

Always manages to hit you hard, you know?

I guess. I... it's only halfway done.

You finish it.

Wait. For real?

Yeah. Before I change my mind.

Turns out "Cat's in the Cradle" made my dad feel things, and like any good son, I'd use this to manipulate him.

Hey, Dad, they just released a new Dungeons & Dragons module.

Can you drive me to the hobby shop tonight?

I understand none of that, but I feel good saying no.

I'm off to work.

Okay, but when you coming home, Dad? I don't know when.

All I did was subliminally remind him of the song.

We'll get together then.

Damn.

Let's just go now.

As I was working over my old man, Barry was working out new toast.

"F" is for family.

"A" is for how awesome this family is.

"M" is for "mmm, turkey."

"I" is for my eyes that get to see you all.

"L" is for LL Cool J, who probably also celebrates Thanksgiving.

"Y"?

Because he's American, like us.

Family!

[Clears throat]

I mean, you got charm.

Uh, but what you don't have is a good speech, or charm. I just said that to cushion the blow.

Damn it. What am I supposed to do?

Erica's so smart and emotional and has these female hormones that make her feel stuff.

How do I compete with that?

Well [Clears throat] the first thing you got to do is lie down and let your Uncle Marvin crackle your spine bones and your neck tendons to release toxins.

Okay.

Okay?

Okay!

Okay!

Right there?

Yeah. Facedown. There you go.

Got to get a good stretch on here.

This flank.

Hey!

Aah! Ohh!

That... that hurts my body.

That means it's working.

As for your speech, there's one thing that I learned in back-cracking school, and that's how to captivate a client.

Go on.

You see, in the manual, it says that constant talk and distraction helps them ignore the searing pain that is spinal alignment.

That makes sense.

It's not just about using your words.

It's also... about flash!

[Bones cr*ck]

Ah!

Flash! You're right.

That's what I need to add to my toast!

Exactly.

Now, just get up there and show them what you got, kid.

[Strained] I'm good.

You look good.

Alf: ... get away with m*rder... so to speak.

Right now, I could walk over...

Well, what's going on in here?

Just watching "Alf" and playing "Cat's Cradle"...

No relation to the song.

You know the song, right, Dad?

Oof. That song.

You know what would push this father/son moment over the top?

You whip us up a malt to share.

That's a great idea, pal.

What's going on?

Just some father/son bonding time.

Tell me what you've done to him, or I'll make you go outside and play catch with your dad on the lawn in front of the entire neighborhood.

No.

And not with one of those soft Nerf balls, either.

Not the hard, white ones with the sewing on them.

That's right... baseballs.

Okay, okay!

Truth is, "Cat's in the Cradle" makes Dad bend to my will 'cause the words make him sad.

How selfish can you be?!

I'm sorry. I'll stop.

You most certainly will.

After you use your evil to help me.

Seriously?

Play the song.

Get him to invite Pop-Pop to Thanksgiving so he can finally see what an amazing cook I am.

Isn't your thing, like, way more selfish than mine?

Oh, yes. [Chuckles]

Now that man will eat my food and his words.

[Chuckles]

And also... family's important and stuff.

There's a lesson in there. Figure it out.

Gobble, gobble.

It was almost dinnertime, and even though I manipulated Dad into inviting Pop-Pop, the old grouch was a no-show.

Do we have to wait for Pop-Pop? I'm starving.

Just give me a scoop.

Hey! Don't ruin the presentation.

Half of eating is done with the eyes.

Murray, where's your father?

He'll be here any minute.

Still waiting on Dad, eh?

[Laughs]

That's weird.

I thought you called him, Murray.

[Laughs maniacally]

Okay, you're really laughing it up, which tells me you've done something idiotic and you want me to hear about it.

Go ahead.

After you called our father to invite him to Thanksgiving, I called him back, and I said that I was going to pick him up, [laughing] but I never did.

You know, even for you, this is incredibly stupid.

Uh, it's brilliant, and you have your son Adam to thank for it, 'cause he keeps on playing that "Cat's in the Cradle" song.

[Chuckling] And, uh, everyone knows that it's the greatest revenge song ever written.

How do you get revenge from that song?

Hello?

It's about a boy who gets shafted by his dad, just like we were.

And then he grows up, and his dad calls him to hang out, and then the boy is just like "ha! I've been waiting for this moment.

I have my own life now.

So suck it, old man!" Click!

That's not what it's about!

It's about spending time with your kid.

Pfft! What you talkin' 'bout, Murray?

It's right there in the lyrics.

♪ The cat eats the baby with the silver spoon ♪

Those aren't the words!

It didn't eat a baby. No baby got eaten.

The cat eats the baby...

No baby gets eaten.

... with the silver spoo... would you wake up?

A cat cannot use a spoon.

It's got paws.

A cat can very easily just pick up a spoon like so and... pthf!

[Keys jingle]

Hey. Whoa! Stop!

Wh... i... it's dinnertime. Where are you going?!

To get my father.

You're gonna ruin my ruthless revenge plot against Dad!

What kind of Thanksgiving is this?!

Hey... What we didn't know... [door closes] ... was Thanksgiving was about to get awesome.

Why don't we just hear a toast while we're waiting?

Erica, show us what you got.

Thank you, Pops.

[Clears throat]

Well, I'm just gonna speak from the heart and say...

Barry: [Amplified] Ladies and gentlemen-men-men-men, are you prepared for the ultimate Thanksgiving extravaganza of love-love-love-love?

And with that, Barry appeared from the smoke to take Thanksgiving to a new level.

♪ Never surrender ♪

What the heck is this?

An idiot giving a Thanksgiving toast.

Y'all's about to get touched, ninja pilgrim-style.

Turkeyyy-yah!

Adult Adam: It was educational.

And so that's when Chris Colombo married Pocahontas and they feasted upon corn, or maize, named after its "a-maize-ing" taste when buttered.

It had music.

[Music continues]

It was packed with metaphors and symbolism.

It had pyrotechnics... and breaks for hydration.

It had emotional pandering...

Look at us... love.

He leaps from half-court!

... and a cinematic climax.

3 points for family!

The nuclear weapons are disarmed!

The Goldbergs saved the world!

In conclusion, Thanksgiving!

And it... was... awesome!

Wait! You actually enjoyed that confusing pile of garbage?

It was a real experience.

I feel like I just went to Atlantic City.

I liked the part where you showed the baby pictures.

But it made no sense!

How can a slam dunk disarm nuclear weapons?

Can't wait to hear what you got in store, Erica.

Uh...

I think we should space them out a bit.

No! Please.

Talk from the heart.

Uh... we should wait on Pop-Pop because that is the right thing to do.

So I'll be upstairs.

Not writing a speech.

Just, uh, waiting for them to show up, so I'll be g... gone.

As Erica retreated, Pop-Pop was on the warpath.

I can't believe you people... making me wait outside nearly seven minutes in the dead of Fall.

It was just a little mix-up, Dad.

Marvin will apologize.

You want me to apologize to him, the man who picked me up from soccer practice at midnight?

I had a thing.

That's it!

I'm not stepping one foot in that house as long as he's here!

Good. Now I got something to be thankful for.

Mnyh!

Hey! What are you doing dropping the pants?

That's my thing.

I'm the one that invented dropping your slacks at the door.

It's Thanksgiving. Pull up your pants.

How you doing, Ben?

You think you're better than me?

[Chuckles]

Speaking of better, try my turkey, Ben. Taste.

No, no, no. I learned my lesson a long time ago.

Here. Heat this up. I'm starving.

Come on. You can't have Thanksgiving from a box.

Just take a taste, Ben.

I'm not kidding you.

Take a damn taste.

I'll take a taste! I'm eating out here!

Everyone, just calm down.

Adam, uh, why don't you just play your "Cat's in the Cradle" video?

Oh, hey! Son of a bitch. I love that song.

That's got that nice message in it.

That right?

Yeah, there's this needy brat who's been pestering his dad for years.

His dad just wants to be left alone.

All right, so, now, years later, they're on the phone, but his son now... oh, he's finally into his own crap.

So his father hangs up the phone because now he's got what he's always wanted... to be left the hell alone.

It's a revenge song!

The son wins in the end!

No one wins!

It's about the struggle to not let time slip away.

No one thinks that!

[Door slams]

Adam. Do your Jedi mind trick.

Play the video and make people listen to you.

That's why you've been playing that damn song all the time?!

Oh, balls.

You were screwing with my mind?!

Mom was the one that tricked you into inviting Pop-Pop so she could force-feed him turkey.

What?!

What?!

What?! I can't hear!

I'm outside here! Speak louder!

♪ Never surrender ♪

Who's ready for a high-octane, tear-jerkin' Thanksgiving toast?

Oh, boy. This is real bad timing.

Watch out, Russia.

It's the American baseball team, and they're hitting home runs for family.

[Gasps]

Oh! My decorative gourds!

Dude! You're stealing my whole speech!

No, it's different!

You did basketball. I'm doing baseball.

What?!

Doesn't matter. I win.

I forgot what it was for, but I b*at you.

You don't even know what this is about?!

I dislike you so much!

Bevy: Stop it! Stop it!

Everybody stop it!

Barry!

Stop it! It's thanks-[Bleep]-giving!

I don't care what it is! I want these crazy people out of my house!

No! I'm so close!

Ben, try my yams.

I learned my lesson. No.

No yams! I'm taking out the leaf!

No! Not the leaf!

What's happening?!

[Grunts]

Aaaaah!

I feel so left out!

Oh, my back!

Adult Adam: It was a Thanksgiving stalemate.

Dad wanted everyone out, and Marvin was refusing to come in.

What are you still doing here?

Thanksgiving's over. Go home.

No. We can still save this thing.

Barry, help me set the table around your father.

I can't move!

I sold 80-pound vacuums door to door with a shattered pelvis.

Suck it up!

Marvin, get inside.

Murray threw his back out, and we need your magic hands.

Yes, I can see how you might think, based on my consistent claim that I'm a chiropractor, how I might be of some service in this particular situation.

You can't help?

What kind of a male nurse are you?

I am a chiropractor, damn it.

At least, I will be once the school is recognized by the state.

There's no way that man's touching me!

Okay, that's enough. I have something to say.

Again, it's very bad timing.

Look, maybe we're a garbage family, and maybe we don't always get along.

But, you know, maybe that's okay.

Maybe that's a good thing.

I mean, Barry's one of the biggest idiots of all time, but he gave the best toast this family's ever seen.

Yes!

Ignoring the first part.

And if this utter dope can pull that off, well, then I'm sure my dopey uncle has learned enough at back school that he can fix my dad.

[Stirring music plays]

No! Do not get inspired by her speech!

'Cause the fact is it's Thanksgiving!

And if a family can't believe in each other on a day like today...

Well, then, when can we?

Sure, it was insulting, but also deeply moving.

That night, Erica proved that she could toast with the best of them.

What is happening?

[Door bursts open]

Your faith in me is all the training I need.

No!

You can do it, Marvy.

No!

It's all you, Uncle Marv.

No!

Give it a sh*t, Marv!

I'm a little drunk.

I'm going in!

Don't go in!

What are you doing?!

Flash!

[Bones cr*ck]

[Suspenseful music plays]

[Ding!]

How you feel?

I actually feel better.

Yeah?

Look... he's standing straighter!

I told you I'm a god! [Laughs]

Marvin saved Thanksgiving!

Marvin. Marvin!

[Laughs maniacally]

Even though Marvin took all the credit, my mom still got the moment she always dreamed of.

Damn it, Marvin! You're... you're hogging the yams!

Ah, buh, buh, buh!

Look at my old man loving your food.

Guess you finally got what you wanted.

Raised a moron.

Beverly: Yeah. It's great.

But look at them all there.

♪ He learned to walk while I was away ♪

Family and stuff. [Chuckles]

Yeah. Family and stuff.

It turned out to be our best Thanksgiving ever.

And even though Barry and Erica battled over the best speech, in the end, Pops reclaimed the crown.

[Spoon clinks]

I'd like to make a little toast.

Normally, this holiday makes me think of the love of my life... my wife, Irene.

But as I look around this table tonight, I realize we shouldn't dwell on the loves we've lost.

'Cause there's more than enough love right here.

Cheers.

Murray: Hear, hear.

[Sniffles]

Thinks he's better than us, that bastard.

If anyone would like a spinal adjustment, meet me on the couch when this is over.

♪ I said, "not today, I got a lot to do" ♪
♪ he said, "that's okay" ♪
♪ and then he walked away, but his smile never dimmed ♪

I don't get it.

How on earth can you think this song's about being a lousy father?

Just a theory.

Well...

I watch you with your kids.

You're, um... not like me.

You're a good father to them.

Even to the weird one.

I don't know which one that is, but thank you.

["Cat's in the Cradle" continues]

♪ Well, he came from college just the other day ♪
♪ so much like a man, I just... ♪

Hey. The... the video over?

I... I got nervous, so I left.

Yeah. I... it, uh, played well.

Noticed my name on the end there.

Since when am I your producer?

Since you paid for the lens.

I couldn't have done it without you.

Any of it.

♪ Little boy blue and the man in the moon ♪

So...

Yeah.

Yeah.

♪ But we'll get together then, Dad ♪

You okay?

Yeah. I'm good.

["Cat's in the Cradle" continues]

♪ And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon ♪
♪ and the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon ♪
♪ little boy blue and the man in the moon ♪
♪ when you comin' home, Son? I don't know when ♪
♪ but we'll get together then, Dad ♪

A few guys from the water polo team invited me on a ski trip.

No.

Would you just hear me out before you say no?

I already said no.

Well, I wrote a little song about father/daughter relationships that just may make you realize that our time together is fleeting.

[TV turns off]

♪ A butterfly emerges from a cocoon ♪
♪ a dad and daughter gaze at the moon ♪
♪ fathers and daughters and fathers of daughters ♪
♪ and the man in the moon is neglecting his daughter... ♪

Wow!

That song made me realize how precious our time is.

So I can go on the ski trip?

No. I want you by my side all weekend.

This really backfired on me, huh?