03x09 - Wingmom

[bunniefuu]

Adult Adam: Back in the '80s, we all wanted to be a badass fighter pilot thanks to the cinematic Masterpiece that was "Top g*n", and no one loved it more than my big bro.

You're handsome and clear for takeoff.

Yeah, he was a real Maverick.

His fighter jet was our b*at-up station wagon, and his co-pilot... My annoyed sister.

Dear god, you have been flipping knobs for five minutes!

Just go already.

We ain't going anywhere till tower clears us for takeoff.

You're clear.

[Engine turns over]

[Tires screech]

But as fate would have it, my brother's high-flying dreams were about to become a reality.

[Gasps] Great goose's ghost.

Today, our lives change forever, boys.

Behold.

Junior ROTC.

Th's like pre-pre-m*llitary training.

Dude, I think they give you free camo when you sign up.

Sweet. Now I can hide from my mean cousin When we visit my uncle's farm.

♪

[Clears throat]

Morning, gentlemen.

Interested in joining up with junior ROTC?

I need able-bodied leaders with fire in their bellies looking to make a difference.

That's so weird.

I'm an able-bodied person with a fiery belly who's ready to fly your jets and push your envelopes and play shirtless beach volleyball.

What?

It's proven to be a nice diversion from the pressures of flight school.

What's your name, son?

Barry Norman Goldberg, nickname not yet decided.

You will be amazed by our strength and determination, sir!

[Bell rings] [Sighs]

I've got English on the third floor.

So many stairs.

Naked Rob, Piggyback.

You got it, bro.

Never leave a man behind.

[Grunts]

♪
♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪
♪ But nonetheless, I feel the need to say ♪
♪ I don't know the future ♪
♪ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

It was November 22, 1980-something, and I was spending the day with my loyal best bud, Pops.

Your mom was nuts to take away my license.

Look at me go!

[Engine revs]

Despite his age, my grandpa was the youngest dude I knew.

Winner!

Balls!

You want to go hustle some suckers at air hockey?

I'm old with a wallet full of cash.

How do I play this ice ping-pong?

[Laughs] After we hustled some kids in air hockey, Pops set his sights on our next target.

Whoa, whoa. Look at this.

Free movie tickets.

What do you say we play a couple more chumps?

Mom says to be weary of Timeshare people.

They're the gypsies of the mall.

All we got to do is listen to them jabber for a half-hour and then see "Mad Max: Thunderdome" on their dime.

Sign me up.

[Chuckles]

Howdy, folks.

And welcome.

I'm John Calabasas, the president and C.E.O. of John Calabasas' Timeshares.

Thank you very much. That's very kind.

Oh, stop. Thank you so much.

Folks, who would like to live in the condo of their dreams?

For two months out of the year.

I'm talking about Timeshares, y'all.

Question. Yes, sir.

If we decide not to buy today, do we still get the movie tickets?

That's the deal, but I can promise you this, sir...

At the end of today, you're not gonna be thinking about movie tickets.

You're gonna be thinking about Boca sands resort and tennis club.

I'm intrigued about this exciting opportunity.

Movie tickets all locked up.

So began an epic speech designed to pull in old suckers.

Lucky for me, Pops was young at heart.

Complete with sauna and recently disinfected steam room.

The best overly air-conditioned chain restaurants that open for dinner at 3:00 P.M.

Not only is it sunny year-round in our community, the women outnumber the gentlemen three to one.

Sold!

♪

Oh, my god.

Pops actually bought a place in Florida?!

Right? It's a nightmare.

Hello?!

We're gonna have our own beach condo.

Think of all the spring breaks, the Latin guys, the romantic walks on the beach with the Latin guys.

Why do I come to you?

You need to chill. It's a Timeshare.

He'll be gone two months a year.

Everyone knows a Timeshare is a gateway property.

Two months becomes six.

Six become a year.

And a year turns into forever.

So?

Pops is old, and that's what all old people do.

Stop saying that. Pops isn't old.

He's 80.

Who cares? I measure age in spirit.

Well, I measure age by when you were born.

And for Pops, that's 1903.

Holy crap. Seriously?

Oh, yeah.

♪

Shut up! Everyone shut up!

I got Barry news.

Everybody stop talking.

What is it, snuggle monster?

I joined the m*llitary.

Boom! What's that now?

Good stuff. What branch?

The one with the planes and boats.

You're welcome, America.

I just need you to sign this permission slip.

Absolutely not.

Being a soldier is number one on my list of jobs too dangerous for my children.

List? What list?

Oh, god. Not the list.

I knew one day my kids would join the workforce, so like a good mother, I compiled a list of occupations that are strictly off-limits.

Why can't I be a construction worker?

Eating lunch on a suspended beam with your legs dangling down?

No way.

No pro sports?

Except golf, but you can't drive around in one of those buggies with no seat belt.

Astronaut?

Your sensitive tummy at zero g?

Deli guy?

Meat slicer?

Government clerk?

Paper cut?

Robot technician?

Robot uprising?

This is nuts. Pops was in the army.

And he is a hero. Couldn't be prouder of him.

But I want to be a hero.

And you can be...

As an orthodontist or a Maître d or as one of those guys who tests pillows for softness.

Yep. All hope was lost.

I'll sign it.

And then found.

Really?

I did ROTC. It changed my life.

And I fully support this as long as your mother never finds out.

And one more thing... If you do this, there's no quitting.

I mean it.

10-4, good buddy.

That's trucker talk.

Aye-aye, Matey.

That's pirate.

Hmm.

While Barry was committed to the army, I was committed to showing Pops just how young he was.

There he is, rockin' the new duds.

You dig 'em, homey?

They're roomy where I need them, but kind of drafty where I don't.

Perfect!

Let's go hit the town and live it up while we're still young.

What the...

How did your zubaz get so high?

They ride up. I don't know.

They have a mind of their own.

Now all you can see is "Frankie says".

No one will know to relax.

Who is this Frankie, and why does he want me to relax?

All you need to know is you look half your age in those zubaz pants.

Way too young for Florida.

Oh, so that's what this is about.

Kiddo, it's just two months.

Two months in middle-school years is like a decade.

Come on, pal.

Pops says relax.

Don't you use that catchphrase against me!

I will not relax!

Where you going?

To my other grandpa, the one who'd never leave me.

Pop-pop?

You really want to replace me with that spiteful old bastard?

Already done. Have fun in Florida.

I'll be living it up here with Pop-pop having crazy amounts of fun.

This is fun.

So much fun.

Shh. I'm reading the stocks.

[Plastic squeaking] Yep. This was my grandfather Ben.

He was the anti-Pops who could never catch a break.

Damn IBM! I should have invested.

I'd be a millionaire.

Instead, I lost it all on cigaroos.

What's that?

Cigarettes for kids. Yeah.

They had a spokesbunny.

Isn't that adorable? It was a slam dunk!

As I was bonding with Pop-pop, Barry was ready for action.

Barry Norman Goldberg reporting for duty, sir!

Son, I told you three times. I know you're here.

Question... When do we get our nicknames assigned, 'cause I'm thinking I'm gonna be Sky Shark.

I call Sky Tiger.

Dude, I told you Sky Tiger was my nickname.

No one's Sky Tiger. I'm Sky Shark.

There can't be two Skies.

I was kind of thinking Thunder Shark.

Oh, that's good! No, bro! I'm the Shark!

[All shouting]

Enough!

Instead of nicknames, how about this... Give me 20 push-ups.

If my body's already in peak physical condition, can I pass and practice instead?

Practice what? Volleyball.

You know, for when we go to the beach and flex our young, glistening bodies.

I'm kind of body-conscious, so I'm not gonna pop off my shirt at the beach, if that's cool. He's got an outie.

Shh! There's no volleyball.

Son, if you're not here to work, you're worthless to me.

But I was led to believe I'm special.

You want special treatment? Drop and give me 40!

♪

Hey! How was training, big guy?

Captain Wallace says I'm, like, better than Rambo, the real one.

They're friends.

Well, I'm just proud that you're sticking with it.

Oh, yeah. Stick-to-it Barry.

That's what they call me.

♪

Mom!

Dad secretly signed a permission slip to get me in basic training.

Now I need to have you secretly get me out of it.

What?!

Shh!

Dad won't let me quit, but Captain Wallace is super demanding and angry.

He called me worthless.

Are you [Bleep] kidding me?

I know. Right?

Worthless?

Well, obviously, he's never seen you ride a tandem bicycle with your mother.

I was doing most of the pedaling.

Are you sure he called you worthless?

Maybe he called you wonderful?

No. You have to get me out of this, Ma.

Unless you want me to fly secret missions to dangerous foreign lands.

You can't go on a secret mission.

They won't let you call home, and they don't know what kind of cheese binds you up.

So, you'll help?

Don't worry, snuggy-boo.

I'll get you out.

Now, drop and give me 20.

Huggies. [Chuckles]

And with that, Beverly Goldberg went to w*r.

I upset about our fight, Pops was ready to extend an olive branch.

Hey, sweetheart. Y-you seen Adam?

I-I got him one of those atari-natendo games.

It's just like the red-car, blue-car game that we play at the arcade.

Aww, that's so cute. But he's hanging with Pop-pop.

Pop-pop? I thought he was bluffing.

You can always hang with me, you know, make the little nerd jealous.

It'd be pretty damn petty of me to use you as some pawn.

Oh, I'm totally cool with it.

We can, like, go to the mall.

So, this is all a ploy to get me to buy you stuff?

See? We get each other.

I'll drive.

As Erica and Pops had formed an alliance, my mom was waging w*r.

You, sir!

We need to talk.

Mrs. Goldberg, I told you.

Yelling hours are between 9:00 and 12:00.

This is my lunch break.

Eat your tater tots, Earl.

I'm here for him.

What's happening right now?

This is Beverly Goldberg.

She's the delta force of mothers.

And I'm here to tell you that Barry will not be returning to your course.

And I'm here to tell you that your husband called and said under no circumstances should I let your son weasel out of this.

He called?

Oh, this just got good.

Okay, then.

Well, I have demands.

Instead of yelling, you will motivate my baby with kindness and encouragement.

And you will never, ever call him worthless again.

Well, considering you're asking me to undo years of proven and effective m*llitary training, the answer is no.

Or is it yes?

According to the school handbook, any parent is permitted on school grounds to tend to the well-being of their child.

Op.

That gives me the legal right to be my son's wing mom.

Uh-oh.

Wingmom?

Wing mom.

That's not a thing.

Oh, it is.

I'll see you at 0900.

No, you won't.

Yes, she will.

That woman isn't setting one foot in my class, and you know why?

'Cause it's absurd and unrealistic and will never happen on my watch.

Due to circumstances both beyond my control and beyond reason, I'd like to welcome a new ridiculous addition to our class.

It's me.

What?!

You were supposed to get me out of this, not join me!

But now we can both feel the need, the need for speed.

Together.

I feel that need alone, not with my mom!

I promise you won't even know I'm here, little Schmoo.

[Laughter] Little Schmoo.

Now that should be your code name.

No! It's sky shark. That better not stick.

Infantilizing, bro!

Oh, no. The tastemakers have spoken.

It's sticking!

With my mom officially enlisted, I had officially signed up for a day of fun and laughter with Pop-pop.

♪

Hey, where's all the loose change?

You promised me pocketfuls of quarters.

Hmm.

While we're here, might as well play a few games.

What do you think?

The only game I played when I was a kid was stop the Irish from stealing our jobs.

O-kay.

There's got to be coins in the fountain.

I'll hold your legs.

My playdate with Pop-pop couldn't get any worse...

Holy balls!

Until we ran into my ex.

What's he doing here? How's my hair?

Looks like a chia thing.

Shut up and laugh like I said something funny.

Since when are you funny?

[Laughs]

[Laughs] so fun.

Oh. Hey, Pops.

Adam.

Didn't expect to see you here...

With her.

Yeah, I'd love to chat, but Pops and I are hitting up benetton.

Need some resort wear to be ready to jet down to Florida with my main man.

Well, I'm happy that you found someone to spend time with.

Oh, this one's the best.

Hope you're having fun, too.

[Scoffs] So much fun.

Today, I watched Pop-pop pick up his prescription and berate the pharmacist while I played with the blood-pressure machine.

Classic us.

Ah, I see what's going on here.

You're only hanging out with me to hurt his feelings.

[Chuckles] Well done.

In your face, Al. I'm his favorite grandpa now.

Not a competition, Ben.

Oh, yes. It sure is.

I've been waiting for this for years.

You think you're so great with your pockets full of paper money and your genuine kindness.

Well, no more.

I'm the Pops now.

You're not the Pops.

I'll always be the Pops.

No, no. I'm taking it because I hate being called Pop-pop.

Then pick another name, like, uh, Poppy.

Oh, hell, no.

Pap-pap. [Groans]

Paw-paw.

No, no, no.

Face it. I finally b*at you, and this little weirdo is my prize.

Enough! I've had it with both of you.

No one gets to be my Pops!

♪

And for the record, I still won.

Wallace: Come on, Goldberg.

The only way out of my class is over that wall, you lazy sack of nothing.

Don't you listen to him. You're a sack of everything!

You need to push that lazy, worthless body, or you'll be a loser forever.

Your body is a sweet treasure, and you're a winner!

Say, "I'm a winner!"

[Groans] I can't.

Too hard!

You don't know hard.

Now stand up and start from the beginning.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

He's done. Come with me and rest up, baby.

Really?

Really?

Really?

Barry has low energy today because he overslept and didn't get a complete breakfast, but I have raisins, so we're good.

Oh, are we, now?

We are.

The school manual clearly states That nutritional health is one of the most...

Fine!

Then everyone else will att*ck the course except for Goldberg, who's gonna sit on the side and eat his box of raisins.

Sir, yes, sir! It's nature's candy, sir!

Yes. I've had raisins.

I can't believe these came from grapes, sir.

I wonder who came up with the idea for them, sir.

Are you done?

No, sir!

Permission to share a few plump raisins with my platoon, sir!

Denied!

Just go sit on the bleachers and shut up.

The rest of you, move it!

Feels pretty good having a wingmom, huh?

Mmm.

The sun makes them taste so sweet.

Hey, there, soldier. How was your day?

Tough as balls, but you were right, dad.

It feels good to stick it out.

It does.

I bet you're starving.

How about a snack?

Raisin?

Mom, he knows.

He knows?

He knows.

Wait. Do you know?

Wingmom?

He knows. How do you know?

I have my sources!

What? Captain Wallace tattled?

Bevy, how could you go behind my back and try and help him?

How could you sign that permission slip behind my back?

Because it's important.

ROTC was the only way I could go to college.

It's literally the first thing in my life I ever saw through.

And thank god I did, because the guy I was before wouldn't have had a sh*t with you or any of this.

Look, look, you guys both win.

Thanks to mom, I get to protect my country in a way that suits my lifestyle...

Being a hero without working hard.

Well... Mission accomplished.

♪

Oh, so good.

Officially grandfather list, I decided to go to my favorite place in the world to cheer up.

[Adam sighs]

Right there with you, pac.

You can't rely on anyone.

I got next game.

Not talking to me, huh?

All right. Let's play for it.

If I b*at you, then you got to listen to me.

If not, I'm gone.

Deal?

You? Play me?

At Ms. pac-Man?

My best game?

Let's just say your old grandpa May have some skills that might surprise you.

It was a game of legend.

Our entire relationship was on the line.

In that moment, Pops played that machine...

Like he never played it before.

Ha!

I did it!

I win!

Actually, you lost.

Well, that's crazy.

My angry ghosts k*lled that pac-woman over and over.

You're not the ghosts.

I'm not the ghosts?

You're the pac-woman.

I'm the pac-woman?

You're the pac-woman.

Well [Clears throat] I-I guess it's goodbye.

As I was losing my Wingman, Barry was ready for another day with his wingmom.

Mom, ROTC's in 20 minutes.

Why aren't you dressed in your camo sweater?

Honey, I'm not going.

But you are. Alone.

What?

You never leave your Wingman, and you're my wingmom.

Here. I want to show you something.

This is a picture of your dad at his ROTC graduation.

Who does he look like to you?

["'Top g*n' anthem" plays] Me.

Look, your dad had nothing growing up, but he was able to make so much of himself because he wasn't a quitter.

I think I protect you so much, I've turned you into one.

♪

That's why I'm ripping up my list of dangerous jobs.

Whoa.

Does this mean those jobs are no longer off-limits?

What you want to be in life is up to you, no matter how scary it is for me.

♪

Even a trapeze artist?

Don't push it.

♪

Goldberg...

We don't normally say this in the m*llitary, but...

Where's your mother?

I'm flying solo today, Captain.

♪

Turns out, even without a wingmom, Barry could still soar on his own.

As for me, when Pops walked out of that arcade, I realized I could never fly as high without him.

I've been informed that you're a sucker for a sales pitch, so I figured you may want to sit for this.

Depends what you're selling.

Us.

♪

By a show of hands, how many of you fine folks have a grandson who you've helped raise?

♪

And how many of you are willing to forgive said grandson for acting like a selfish putz?

'Cause the truth is, no matter where you live, you'll always be my hero, always be my best friend, always be my Pops.

Sold.

And that's how I made peace with my Pops.

Sometimes it takes almost losing someone to make you realize just how much you need them.

As for Pop-pop, he'd always be the kind of grandfather who didn't need much, but deep down inside, I knew that he still needed me.

And, to be honest, I needed him, too.

That's the thing about the people we love.

They're there at our lowest...

Well done, boys. Only one thing to do now.

Yeah, there is!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

And they're there when we're flying high, helping us celebrate our biggest victories.

♪

Truth is you can win any battle when your family's got your back, 'cause no matter what life throws at you, it's easy for a maverick when he's got goose at his side.

Winner!

Dang it!

That's life in the fast lane, kiddo.

♪

Sir! I figured it out!

I know why you were so mad at my nicknames.

They weren't good enough.

Lucky for you, I got some more.

I was very clear.

No call signs, no nicknames.

But what about sky monkey?

No.

Air dragon?

No.

Air Jordan?

No.

Thunder Hornet?

No.

Sky Dagger?

My god.

Sky Monkey.

You already said that.

Wolf Man.

No!

Iron Beagle?

No.

Mach Nine?

No.

Mock Turtleneck?

No.

Handsome Barry?

No.

Tall Barry?

No.

Applesauce?

Yes! That's the one!

Applesauce. You are Applesauce.

No!

Oh, yes.

That's just filler.

I was saying that so you could warm up to Sky Shark.

Pick sky shark!