03x12 - Baio and Switch

[bunniefuu]

Adult Adam: Back in the '80s before we could easily text money to any charity we wished, we had the world-famous charity craze that completely swept the entire country.

Hands across America... It's happening this weekend, and you will not make coach look bad.

All right, listen up.

This limited-edition, government-issued visor means that I have been personally appointed regional captain because I volunteered.

It is my duty to make sure everybody in this town forms a human chain to stop the homeless.

Questions.

Goldberg.

Isn't it kind of mean to form a chain and not let the homeless people pass through?

That was my first thought, too, but it was explained to me that we would be allowing the homeless to come and go as they please.

Goldberg again.

Still confused.

Um, how does holding hands help anyone?

Hello.

Everyone in America is gonna hold hands at once to show we are symbolically unified in our fight to end homelessness.

It's beautiful, really.

Hell, I wish I had more than two hands.

Yes, we get it.

You're the socially aware girl.

No reason to showboat about it, other Goldberg.

I'll stop talking.

Now, in the spirit of the event, let's hit the floor and practice.

[Blows whistle] Let's go! Move it!

Grab and squeeze, people!

Interlace those fingers!

Engage every digit!

I want to see hustle, and I want to see determination!

Yeah! Let me feel it!

There it is... a chain.

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪
♪ but nonetheless, I feel the need to say ♪
♪ I don't know the future ♪
♪ but the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

It was the second Wednesday of the month, 1980-something, and the Harvest Hop was coming up.

It was the first dance where you had to ask someone.

I mean, seriously, why do I have to wait for some meathead to ask me to a lame-ass dance?

Because that's how society works.

Count me out.

Well, I have it on good authority that Adam Abel is going to ask someone today.

[Scoffs] I could give a crap about that nerd.

[Gasps] He's coming this way.

Go, go, go!

Hey.

Pam, you, um, have a date to the dance and stuff?

Pam: [Chuckles] No.

Are... You okay?

Pbht! [Chuckles]

Yeah. [Chuckles]

Why wouldn't I be?

[Sobs]

You sure you're okay?

No, genius.

I'm like the only girl who didn't get asked.

That's freaking humiliating.

Well, you can always go with your awesome best friend.

Ew.

Stop! It'll be fun.

We can goof on everyone.

Dana can't fly out to go with me.

This way we're not total losers without dates.

Normally, I'd roll my eyes and punch you, but honestly, I'm desperate, so yes.

Dear god, yes.

Get off me, dork.

You're a complicated person.

Turns out the only good thing about having a girlfriend in Seattle was I was completely free to help out a friend.

[Doorbell rings]

Or not.

Surprise!

What? Why?

My grandma broke her hip, so my parents are letting me visit her.

So lucky.

For us... She's bummed.

So we get to go to the dance!

Yeah, about the dance.

Oh, my god. You're not excited.

You're going with someone else?

Are we not us anymore?

No, of course we're us.

I'm going with you, my girlfriend, who I love.

Mm!

I'm so excited.

Me also excited.

As I was reeling from my two dates to the dance, my mom was reeling after a visit with Virginia Kremp.

Beverly: Is that your family at the flower show again?

"The Inquirer" put your picture in the paper last year.

Oh, well, Charles won top florist again.

His topiary of Rosa Parks was the real star.

Well, all I know is you got another stunning picture of your whole family.

You're like the freaking Kennedys of Jenkintown.

Please, no, we're not. Do people really say that?

I'd give anything to have just one photo of me and my babies looking that happy on the front page of the paper.

Well, Barry did make the paper for that time he got in the fight with the service horse.

He really thought it was his apple.

Horses are tricky.

Yeah.

Little did my mom know her photo op was right around the corner.

Beverly: Oh, my god.

Are you two crafting together?

By choice?

No, no, no, calm down. We're not crafting.

We're just making art with construction paper, markers, and glitter for public display.

That's crafting.

Fine, we're crafting.

We need to spread the word about hands across America.

Yeah, I don't know about that whole thing.

Hands have germs.

Think of all those colds passing across the country like a big bacteria highway.

Ugh.

Whatever.

I'm doing it because it'll help people in real need.

And I'm doing it for the celebrity contact.

Hoping to hold hands with Heather Locklear.

No... Alyssa Milano.

No... K.I.T.T., the car from "Knight Rider."

You can't hold hands with a car, idiot.

I'll hold the antenna.

Wait a minute.

Celebrities are doing this?

Yeah, downtown Philly actually nabbed Scott Baio.

From "Happy Days" and "Chachi In Charge"?

Don't forget "Zapped!" Where he uses his magic powers to lift girls' dresses.

Turn that off.

Point is this thing's gonna be a huge deal.

It's literally going to be on the front page of all the papers.

You mean like newspapers?

Like the kind that take pictures of moms and their kids?

What?

♪

What happened?

I want to help with hands across America.

Okay.

And by help, I mean push you aside and take over entirely.

I said okay.

Really?

I'm in way over my head.

They want me to organize, make posters.

They gave me a pen and a ledger.

I don't know what to do with them.

To record the donations.

Oh, no, I...

I've been putting everybody's cash in a bag.

Well, there must be thousands there.

I don't know. I'm a gym teacher, I'm not a count teacher.

You mean a math teacher?

I don't know. I'm not an English teacher, either.

Did you at least get us a celebrity?

No, th... we can't compete with Philly.

Philly is the Paris of Pennsylvania.

They got Baio. We got Jack Squat.

You should go rest.

As my mom was saving Coach Mellor, I was racing for the one man who always rescued me.

Dad.

Yes.

I need help. Where's Pops?

There he is. Thank god.

Pops, I have two dates to the dance.

Way to go, kiddo!

No, it's a bad thing.

Oh, yeah, it is.

No, I agreed to go with Emmy Mirsky to cheer her up, but Dana flew in.

Then just tell Emmy you're going with Dana.

She'll understand.

No, she won't.

A guy dissed her, and I saw her cry for the first time ever.

Then just tell Dana you can't go with her.

She'll freak out if I go with another girl, even if it is Emmy.

Then take them both. They never even have to know.

Like Peter did on "The Brady Bunch"?

I Brady-bunched two ladies at a U.S.O. Dance back in '41.

Never felt so alive.

Stop.

Nobody's Brady-Bunching anyone.

You want some real advice?

Don't be a moron.

Seriously?

That's your advice for everything.

It applies to everything.

I think I'm gonna stick with Pops' advice.

All right, time for a TV master class on how to juggle two dates at once.

First up, the gold standard...

"The Brady Bunch," and I'm Peter.

Because your weird voice cracks just like his?

Despite that sh*t at my self-esteem, I knew with the help of my trusty TV shows, I could pull off two dates at once.

Oh, no! Peter Brady, you blew it.

Or so I thought.

No! Alex P. Keaton.

Each one was worse than the next.

Jack's screwed!

Both women are at the Regal Beagle.

As we watched the same plot done on every show, it became abundantly clear.

Dude, it can't be done.

Shut up, Dave Kim!

I see that.

As my universe was crumbling, my mom saw a world where she finally got a photo in the paper with her kids.

Yo, yo, yo, volunteers.

Who's ready to get this homeless party started?

Mom, what are you doing here?

You're looking at the new regional captain for Hands Across America.

What happened to Coach Mellor?

He cracked under the pressure, but don't worry.

Mama's here.

I know how important this is for you.

Yeah, I'm out.

Me too. Shut it down, people.

[All groan]

Whoa, hold up.

Now that I'm involved, you're just gonna bail?

Nothing personal... you just make fun things suck.

Well, that...

That is a shame because this lady right here just got Scott Baio to ditch Philly and come to J-town.

Dude, we got Fonzie's cousin.

[All cheering]

No, everyone stop.

Mom, did you really get Scott Baio?

I literally just got off the phone with Scotty B.

He told me to call him Scotty B.

And he agreed to come here and hold hands with me.

I call the one available hand.

No way... The hand is mine!

Okay, this is my future husband. Why do you care?

'Cause he's my future best bro.

And once Scott meets me, he'll ditch Willie Ames and fly me to Hollywood so I never have to talk to you people again.

This is bullcrap... just 'cause your crazy-hot mom is in charge, you guys both get dibs?

Please, Mrs. Goldberg, pick me.

I really need a win... So bad.

No, I want Scott's hand in my hand.

Mom, you have seen his poster in my room.

I bet my hands are cooler than yours if we held hem together.

[Indistinct arguing]

Mrs. Goldberg... no, stop fighting. Stop fighting.

I'll sleep on it, okay?

I'll sleep on it, all right?

But now I have to immediately leave...

Not to call Scott Baio 'cause I've done it.

All right, I just... I have to go and do a thing.

The dance was only a day away, and I realized my plan was a dead end.

Pops, I watched all the shows... Two dates never works.

Not even on "Cheers"?

Cliff had a date with Carla and Diane to the postman's ball.

It was a total junk show.

See, I'm not a fan of today's comedy.

Now, "The Honeymooners"...

I don't need a trip down memory lane.

I need help, and you said you pulled off the perfect Brady Bunch.

How?

Actually, the women kind of invited me.

We've got some advice for you.

Yeah, yeah, don't be a moron.

If you know the advice, why aren't you following it?

Don't worry, kiddo. Pops always has a plan.

With my help, you'll be the first kid in history to juggle two dates at a dance.

Well, I did juggle three grapes at camp.

You know who's not a moron?

You're not a moron.

You're not a moron.

[High-pitched] You're not a moron.

No. [Babbles]

As Pops was convincing me I could pull this off, Erica and Barry were ready to convince our mom that they were worthy of Baio's hand.

Erica, what's going on?

Bad dream, Mama. Can we do spoonies?

Oh, my god, spoonies?

Get on in the warm spot, girl.

[Chuckles]

This is so nice.

Hm.

Speaking of, um, any thoughts about Scott Baio?

Uh, yeah, about that...

Knock, knock.

Who wants brekky in bed?

[Gasps] You made Mama breakfast?

Nobody cares because I'm spending the whole day with my favorite lady.

You are?

Well, Mom and I are spending the entire weekend together.

We are?

Stop doing what you're doing.

You stop.

You're only giving spoons so she'll pick you to hold Baio's hand.

Oh, and you're not? What's with the stupid sweater?

My favorite sweater?

Mommy made it for my 12th birthday.

I feel so handsome, Mommy.

You look so handsome, Schmoofers.

She's the sun.

I'm the moon.

You're the moon!

Okay, you want to go to w*r? Let's go.

Mommy, I want you to pick out a guy for me to date and marry.

That is my dream.

No, no, no! Not so fast.

I've been thinking about it, and I'm gonna let you dance with me before I dance with my bride at my wedding.

That is also my dream, but I also get to wear white.

That's non-negotiable.

Yes!

I'm gonna have five kids, and I want you to babysit every night and tell me what to do.

You will live with me forever.

I will build a mother suite off the master bedroom even if it severely damages my marriage.

[Gasps]

I'm out. It's too rich for my blood.

Yes! I win!

Oh, no, what have I done?

Future Barry's problem.

Despite herself, my mom loved her kids fighting over her. Just one problem... she was now pulling a classic Baio and Switch and needed a way out. Careful.

[Up-tempo music playing]

We need to talk.

Whoa, not so fast.

That was a non-sanctioned sit-down.

On your feet.

Please, I need your help.

This whole thing has gotten away from me.

No, no, Coach has washed his hands of Hands Across America.

Look, all I wanted was one photo op with my kids.

Now they're fighting over my love to get to Baio.

That feather-haired man-boy is making all my dreams come true.

That's why we need to get him here instead of Philly.

Give up on your Baio dreams.

It ain't happening.

It has to happen.

I told the whole school he's coming here.

What? Why would you do that?

I thought I could work my Yenta magic, but I've been calling for three days.

Baio's people are icing me out.

Well, how the hell can I help?

Come on, you must have at least one celebrity lead.

No, I'm a gym teacher. I rotate two pairs of shorts.

Then I guess it's over.

Unless you got out and you get yourself a celebrity that's better than Baio.

Better than Baio? Is that possible?

It is with one of my patented game-day pep talks.

Now, listen up.

It's the fourth quarter. You're down by 1 point.

Who's gonna run the option and take it to the big house?

Run the what?

All right.

It's 11:00 P.M.

You just got off a flight with your family.

They're crabby. They're hungry.

You look in the cupboard.

Oh, all you got is one can of tuna.

But it doesn't matter 'cause there's only one person that can feed those babies tuna and make sure they go to sleep with full tum-tums.

Me!

You're damn right it's you.

Now go out and get yourself the biggest celebrity this god-forsaken town's ever seen.

[Up-tempo music playing]

Oh.

Sorry. My bad, little ones.

You guys okay?

All right, let's take a breather.

Who wants water?

That night, I was also on a mission...

Make a foolproof plan to bring two dates to the same dance.

All right, boys, let's run this again.

What are we looking at?

The gym is 94x50 feet.

That leave us with two large zones to keep the girls apart.

Check. Let's talk song list.

We're looking at 16 songs lasting 2 hours and 6 minutes including "The Time Warp."

Okay, let's do a dry run. Adam.

The terrordrome is our b*ttlefield.

I'm Michelangelo.

Dana is Princess Leia.

Emmy's the hulk.

Copy... song 1.

"Like a Prayer", Madonna.

Dana and I dance, then I say I got to hit the bathroom and run to Emmy.

Song 2.

"Careless Whisper," wham!

I tell Emmy I'll grab her punch then run back to Dana for a slow dance.

I interrupt and pretend I lost my contact lens.

I leave to help Dave Kim then book it back to Emmy.

See that?

Working as a team together.

Trust me... This whole thing is wired.

[Doorbell rings]

What the hell?

'Sup, jerk?

Balls.

You didn't know she was staying with me?

Balls, balls.

Hello, my name is Dave Kim. I lost my contact lens.

Dana, can you help me find it for 8 to 10 minutes out of earshot?

Not now, Dave Kim. It's gone to hell.

We didn't even make it out of the house.

I know.

Two dates can't be done.

I know!

Dude, he's created a whole nerd world to plot against us.

This is super-creepy, Adam.

My god, did you make me the hulk?

Yes, but only 'cause I don't like you when you're angry.

This is so scheming and disrespectful.

No, please, don't start doubting my character.

Group hug?

Ugh, just leave us alone, liar.

Ugh.

Okay.

New advice... lay low.

Now that I can pull off.

But that was impossible 'cause the next day, literally everyone in the country gathered for Hands Across America.

Adam, over here! It's your mama.

So instead, I hid.

Don't ignore me. I'm regional captain.

I deserve respect.

No, no, no.

Shh!

I'm hiding in the shadows, okay?

What are you talking about?

Today is the day that me and my kids finally get on the front page of the newspaper.

All of us... No exceptions.

Yes, I... I.. I'll hide with you people.

Block my head with your enormous hair.

I'm so nervous for Baio.

My hands are super-sweaty but soft.

I've been moisturizing all day. So where is he?

Yeah, where's the Scottster anyway?

Oh, my god, no!

You can't lure Scott with your off-the-shoulder crop top and short skirt.

You really think I would use my young feminine form to get Scott Baio's attention?

I do look good, though, right?

Uh, actually, I have some good news, bad news.

Uh, the bad news is Baio's not coming.

What?

You monster!

No, stop it.

I actually got a bigger celebrity.

Michael Jackson?

Rob Lowe?

Jermaine Jackson.

Better... I have the most famous person in Philadelphia history.

Please give a warm Hands Across America welcome to Ben Franklin.

Good morrow, fellow colonists.

I am founding father, Benjamin Franklin.

Allow me to gaze upon you through my bifocals, which I invented in 1784.

Why is this thing still talking?

Ooh, the paper's here.

Okay, everybody hold hands and sing.

Bev, I don't think the rest of the country is ready just yet.

You never even had Scott Baio, did you?

No time to talk.

All right, Adam, stop hiding in my hair.

Ooh! Emmy, Dana, come and hold hands and take a picture.

We'd rather not.

They'd really rather not.

Okay, well, it's not a choice.

Every hand not held is another homeless family.

I don't think...

Okay, just do it, just do it, just do it.

Photographers!

Smile, smile. Teeth, teeth.

I'd like to, but they're crushing my bones with their strong lady hands.

Mine too. I'm just a pawn!

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

This is a nightmare!

How are they stronger than us?

The moment had come.

It was finally time to hold hands across America.

Boys, quick! Grab Mommy's hands!

Holy crap, it's happening.

Okay. Come on, you guys.

You've got to hold my hand.

Hold my hand, damn it.

No way. You lied to us.

Beverly, what are you doing?

Come on, it's time. Hold hands.

Kids, do it.

Never.

Hold my hands.

We will hold no hands.

What is wrong with you people?!

Please!

No way.

This is for the homeless!

Hold my hands.

No way.

Hold hands!

Please, just hold my hands.

Never.

No way.

Hold hands!

I shall hold your hand.

Oh [Bleep] off, Ben Franklin.

Mom, no! Back off, mom.

I'm not holding your hand.

[Camera shutter clicks]

No, no, don't put that in the paper.

It's gonna look like the Goldbergs Broke Hands Across America.

Goldbergs... got it.

[Camera shutter clicks]

Oh, that's a keeper.

And so, Hands Across America was single-handedly a bust.

All I wanted was one nice photo for the wall.

That's all I ever wanted.

No.

No, you're the one who lied.

You can't make us feel bad about this.

As my mom's spirit was crushed, so were my hands.

Hey. How you holding up?

Well, I've got no girlfriend, no best friend, and no feeling in both hands, so not good.

You know what I think?

Yes, I'm a moron. I get it.

No, I don't think you do.

When I say, "don't be a moron," it really means something.

You mean beyond just being rude and insulting?

Yeah, that's just part of it.

But it's my way of saying be honest, be a good person.

It's how I live my life, and you know what?

It works.

So, how do I make it up to Emmy and Dana?

That's easy.

Don't be a moron.

After years of getting advice on girls from Pops, I learned my Dad had some wisdom to offer after all.

♪ They say in heaven ♪

What the hell are you doing, weirdo?

♪ Love comes first ♪

I'm cordially and blatantly inviting you both to the dance.

♪ We'll make heaven a place on earth ♪

You can't be serious.

♪ Ooh, heaven is a place on earth ♪

Look, I screwed up, but you have to believe me all I wanted was to make both of you feel special.

Emmy, you've been my best friend since second grade.

I just couldn't bear to see you so sad.

And, Dana, the last thing I'd ever want to do is to hurt the girl I love more than anything in this world.

Aww.

Point is I'm a moron.

♪ I wait for you and you come around ♪

We'll got get dressed.

♪ And the world's alive ♪

As it turns out, the best plan of all was honesty.

And because of that, I was able to do what Alex P. Keaton, Jack Tripper, and Peter Brady never could...

♪ When you walk into the room ♪

Take two girls to the same dance.

♪ You pull me close and we start to move ♪

And not just any girls...

♪ And we're spinning with the stars above ♪

The most important ones in my life.

♪ And you lift me up ♪

And it was a night I always remember.

♪ In a wave of love ♪
♪ ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth? ♪

Crying at "Zapped!" That's a first.

♪ Ooh, heaven is a place on earth ♪

No, I just... [Sighs] I feel bad.

I'm a bad mama.

♪ When I feel alone ♪

I don't think any of us were at our best.

♪ I reach for you ♪

Which actually worked in our favor.

♪ And you bring me home ♪
♪ in this world, we're just beginning ♪

This... is not what I meant at all.

♪ To understand the miracle of living ♪

I know we're not actually holding hands, but if this picture isn't us, I don't know what is.

♪ Baby, I was afraid before ♪

You're right.

♪ But I'm not afraid anymore ♪

I love it.

That's the thing about the people you love.

♪ Ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth ♪

It's not always picture-perfect.

Sometimes you have to live in the moment and take it all in.

♪ Ooh, heaven is a place on earth ♪

But side-by-side, hand-in-hand...

♪ They say in heaven love comes first ♪

you'll find it's pretty great.

♪ We'll make heaven a place on earth ♪

And sure, you may make a lot of mistakes along the way.

Growing up is a tricky dance, but occasionally, you find your groove.

♪ Ooh, heaven is a place on earth ♪

Last dance of the night.

Have fun, dorks.

Actually I don't think you should take off just yet.

I talked to Adam Abel.

[Chuckles] I'm gonna k*ll you.

He saved you a dance.

I love you.

♪ Ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth? ♪

Ah!

♪ Ooh, heaven is a place on earth ♪
♪ they say in heaven love comes first ♪
♪ we'll make heaven a place on earth ♪
♪

[Ding! Ding!]

Ugh. I don't understand how we all got the flu.

I told you... with all that hand holding, you'd catch a bug.

Will you stop saying that. It's not even how it works.

[Knock on door]

Ooh, sounds like we may have a special visitor.

Wait, did Scott Baio's people finally get back to you?

No, but, uh, I still have Ben Franklin rented for an hour.

Good morrow, sick children.

As I so famously said in 1780-something, an apple a day keeps the doctor...

No!

Not again.

I hate this president.