03x20 - Dungeons and Dragons, Anyone?

[bunniefuu]

Adult Adam: In the '80s, gym class was not the politically correct, supportive environment we know today.

[Blowing whistles] To say the least, it was humiliating.

Using these state-sanctioned calipers, I will rank you by weight and girth.

Let's grab that flab.

And it wasn't just our awkward bodies being judged. It was also our athletic skill... Or lack thereof.

Aha! Didn't make it to the wall in time.

Assume the position.

They don't call it "Butts Up" for nothing.

[Blows whistle]

How is this a sport?

But the greatest indignity of all... The sadistic ritual of picking teams.

Sposato.

In a public shaming, the strong were separated from the weak. My friends and I were always chosen last for obvious reasons.

I'll take Sirota.

Sweet!

The kid picked third-to-last was known as the "I don't know."

I don't know. Dave Kim.

Yes! I'm not the worst!

Second-to-last was the "I guess".

Goldberg, I guess.

A fine choice.

The only thing worse than being picked last were the games, where the athletic ruled and the scrubs desperately wished to go under the radar.

Don't pass to me! Don't pass to me!

Don't pass to me!

[Gasping] What?

Goldberg, you're the worst.

I welcome the feedback.

[Regal medieval music plays]

But luckily, for kids like me, there was another world where we were champions... Dungeons and Dragons. Long before Xbox, there was a role-playing game with 20-sided dice and a Dungeon Master who led you on adventures using books filled with monsters and treasure.

The firenewt is coming for you, Gribald the Unreasonable.

I use my potion of fire resistance.

[Dice thuds]

It works.

Yes!

Oh, no. Not this game.

I heard all about it on "60 Minutes".

A stuffy Southern reverend said it's the gateway to black magic.

Don't worry, guys. I got this.

Okay, mama, I won't play the thing that makes my heart happy.

You bewitched me, you little devil.

[Smooching]

Look away. I'm doing this for us.

Dungeons and Snuggles!

Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.

I'm a little devil, and I like kisses.

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪
♪ But nonetheless, I feel the need to say ♪
♪ I don't know the future ♪
♪ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

It was April 6, 1980-something, and my sister's plan for her future was about to rock our mother to her very core.

Mom, insanely great news.

I'm gonna do what you want and stay in state for college.

In state? That's where I live.

[Chuckles]

Yes. Good.

CMU it is.

Where in Philadelphia is CMU?

Um, Carnegie Mellon's only like a little bit west.

How far west?

Pittsburgh.

Pittsburgh?! No. Too far.

You're the worst daughter in the world.

Come on, Mom.

It's a great school with an amazing music program.

No, you're gonna go to JFA right here in town.

We discussed this.

I am not going to the Jenkintown Funk Academy.

Oh, so now you're too good for the Funk. Huh.

Yes, the Funk is in a mini-mall between a dry cleaner and a balloon shop.

[Scoffs] Come on, Mom.

Even Mr. Glascott said CMU is perfect for me.

At least hear him out.

And then undermine and overpower him.

Okay. Sure thing. Set that meeting.

Dad, you need to come with us.

Mom is in full sabotage mode.

This is my dream.

And it's my dream to have one less moron living in this house.

I'll help you.

Aww.

I'll go, too.

College is a nonstop party.

You never even went to college, Al.

Yes, but I just watched "Back to School" with Rodney Dangerfield.

It's about this delightful old scamp who goes back to school, and it's hilarious, 'cause let's face it...

A guy that old doesn't go back to school.

But he does.

He goes back to school but good.

Are you done?

I don't have to be.

While Erica and my dad were struggling to get my mom on board, my friends were fighting their way through enemy territory.

As you climb out of the pit, a band of marauding orcs awaits you.

Mondragor, your move.

Earth to Mondragor.

Sorry, guys. I can't stop thinking about gym class.

We've been picked last for years.

It's bull crap.

Relax, dude.

The athletes rule now, but once we hit high school, our brains and elegance will be valued.

Really?

For sure.

Until then, back to the orc att*ck.

More like dork att*ck! Nice.

Oh, God.

Face the facts, Un-Kool and the g*ng, you guys are doomed.

When did you even sit down?

My point is, you guys got to figure out a way to not get picked last before you're in high school.

Otherwise, you'll never date, you'll never love, you'll never have joy.

Later.

What if your mean-spirited brother's right?

I can't be bottom of the social chain in high school.

And just because I'm the coolest one in our group doesn't mean anything in the outside world.

Okay, that settles it.

We're gonna break the cycle of dorkdom.

But how?

I'll tell ya how!

Tomorrow, I shall storm Mellor's office and demand an end to our oppression!

Huzzah!

Huzzah!

Huzzah!

Huzzah!

No!

Come on. Please.

Picking teams has been the same since the dawn of physical education.

The awesome jocks choose kids in descending order of athletic ability.

What is the problem?

The problem is the rest of us suffer.

Turns out, gym class will determine how society views us for the rest of our lives.

People... really think that?

Of course.

Don't you realize gym is the most important class there is?

Well, I know that.

It's just, when the English department doesn't invite you out for bowling night, it... really gets in your head.

You hold the power, Coach.

Whatever you choose here today could change the course of our whole lives.

[Blows whistle]

Let's do it.

Tomorrow, you'll be the team captain, and you can choose all your nerd friends first.

Sounds great, except for the part where you called us nerds.

Losers it is, then!

Tomorrow, the hierarchy of the physical-education world will be turned upside down, and all you dregs, dipwads, and dweebs, rejoice!

I had won over Coach Mellor, but my mom was hoping to sway Mr. Glascott to her team.

Have to admit, I love it when an entire family comes together to discuss a young lady's journey to college.

So any first thoughts?

Yes, uh [bleep] that [bleep].

Okay, hot out of the gate.

So you came to voice some concerns.

I hope you're here to keep this conversation civil.

I'll do what I can.

Gotcha.

Uh, I'm still not sure what the gentleman in the corner is doing here.

I'm considering going back to school myself.

Ignore him. He saw a movie.

Can we talk about CMU now?

Look, I know it's scary sending your baby out into the world, but this college can turn your little girl into a leader.

And in that moment, my mom saw more than just a brochure. She saw the chance to make all of Erica's dreams come true...

It, uh... does look a bit nicer than the Funk Academy.

While my dad saw the reality of a world without his princess.

Who are these guys?

Who are these guys?

Who are those guys?

And Pops just felt ripped off.

I don't see any hot tubs in the dorms.

Are there hot tubs in the dorms?

Look! You can study abroad. I could go to Paris!

I've always wanted to go to Paris.

Wait a minute. Now she's going to a whole other country?

Erica, I... didn't realize how wrong I'd been.

I want this for you, sweetie... All of it.

Oh, my God. Thank you so much.

Let's go sign up for a tour.

[Sighs]

Well, looks like my work here is over.

It is over, 'cause there's no way I'm letting my pumpkin go to this hellhole.

But look at the girl in the pamphlet.

She's smiling under a tree with the boy in the wheelchair.

Aww, look at him. He's holding a book.

Okay, compromise.

The moron boys can get the hell out, but my little peanut, she's going to school in Philadelphia.

I get it.

I got a bird. She's my princess.

If she flew away, I don't know what I would do.

Wait. Where are you going?

What's with the getup?

Is there, like, a sports musical you're starring in?

Little production called gym class, and Coach Mellor's letting me be the leading man.

He made you captain?

This is a game changer.

You got to pick smart.

For sure.

First my boy Sirota, then Dave Kim, Tiny Tyler, Lanky Hank, and the foreign-exchange kid who knows nothing of our customs.

No!

This is the only time you'll ever be captain.

You can't pick the wienies.

You got to pick the winners, earn their respect.

This is a defining moment for you, bro.

Barry made a convincing argument, but there was no way I'd pick the athletes over my best friends...

I'll take Corbett, Big Luke Schmidt, Spink, and Taz Money.

But I found a way.

Dude, what the hell did you just do to us?

Don't worry.

Good news is, I'm climbing the social ladder by stepping on you guys.

It'll take a while, and I'll have to be mean to you at first... Super-mean...

But one day, we'll all be cool.

Me first, though.

I don't like your plan at all.

Oh, please, Dave Kim, you'd do the exact same thing.

No way.

My allegiance would always be to my friends and Sergei the exchange student.

Ja!

This betrayal will not stand.

Much like "Revenge of the Nerds", we will dig deep and use our brains to defeat you once and for all.

All: Yeah! Yeah!

But there would be no revenge.

♪ Basketball is my favorite sport ♪
♪ I like the way they dribble up and down the court ♪

[Grunts] ♪ Just like I was a king on the microphone ♪
♪ So was Dr. J and Moses Malone ♪
♪ I like slam dunks and taking it to the hoop ♪
♪ My favorite play still is the alley-oop ♪
♪ I like the pick-and-roll, I like the give-and-go ♪

[Chuckles] Nice assist, Goldie.

All you, Taz Money.

Yes. Well done, Adam the Betrayer.

Come on, Dave Kim. I'll make it up to you.

Switch teams.

That's a no.

After picking the best players, I was finally crushing at gym class.

[Whistle blows]

Also crushed my friends spirits.

Enough! This game has made a mockery of physical education.

Now, I'm not gonna name names, but there's a young man in here with big ideas and small conviction.

Adam. Is Adam.

That's right, foreign kid.

Coach was sold a bill of goods on how to make this class fair, and he will deliver on that promise.

So, next class, we'll have the same teams, but, Dave Kim, you pick the game.

It can be anything you want...

Chess, word puzzles, something with a calculator.

All right, then. I choose Dungeons and Dragons.

[Students gasp]

"The Ghost Tower of Inverness."

[Students gasp]

What's happening? Why is half the class gasping?

Tournament module.

[Students gasp]

What he said, then. Okay.

Then... And the winners get free pizza and losers run laps.

I'm gonna eat so much pepperoni.

One slice per kid.

[Blows whistle]

After deciding Carnegie Mellon was too far for Erica, my dad had an idea for a different college choice... One a lot closer to home.

What the hell, Murray?

I know you're exploring your many options for next year, but the way I see it, there's just one.

Yeah, CMU.

Goldberg U.

Why go to college hundreds of miles away when you can enjoy the comforts of campus life right here at home?

And so began the worst college tour of all time.

The school cafeteria.

It did not start out strong...

Shrimp parm three times a week.

And then it got worse...

Our state-of-the-art dorm room.

Much worse...

And don't forget our school mascot, the mighty Cockapoo.

And finally downright stupid.

Here's our student lounge.

Oh, look!

One of our esteemed faculty has stopped by.

I can't get over it.

He throws a party in his dorm room after specifically being told not to.

We can't fire him. He's got tenure.

But the point is, you are going to Goldberg U.

Wait, so you spent your whole life saying you wanted your kids out of the house, and now you want me to stay forever?

Yes.

Well, I didn't apply, and also, this isn't a school.

Murray, I'm usually the irrational one who keeps our children from enjoying their lives, not you.

All right, look at this movie.

That's what college is.

Do you want Erica to end up in a hot tub with an elderly businessman?

Okay, you're kind of taking some of the tickle out of the movie for me.

Our daughter deserves a first-class education.

She needs to experience life.

She can experience it here where she's safe and we can protect her.

End of words!

Good. Now I can finally hear "Back to School".

What is it with you and this movie?

He's living the dream.

I mean, what parent wouldn't want to go back to school with his kid?

But a parent can't really do that.

But he does.

He does?

At my mom was putting together a plan, I was planning a D and D victory.

Okay, it's been two hours, and there's been a lot of wrestling and confusion on why D and D is a thing, but here we are, so let's just continue.

Zinethar the priest, your move.

My move is I change my name to d*ck Biggens.

[Laughter]

You can't change your name.

Yeah!

I meant you're facing a deadly, gelatinous cube.

How do you evade it?

Evade it? Let's kick that Jell-O's ass.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's a gelatinous cube.

If you att*ck it, it'll slurp you up and digest you alive.

Sweet! Look at that busty hot chick.

[Laughter]

That's not a chick.

It's a Dryad, a deadly tree sprite.

Can my guy make out with her?

I want to make out with her, too.

What do I got to roll?

Fine.

A Dryad suddenly appears.

If you roll a 20, you can kiss her.

If not, we move on.

[Blows]

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Oh!

Yeah! Yeah!

I take her back to my apartment, and we do stuff.

Ooh.

There's no apartment.

If you won't let me get busy with the tree lady, then I s*ab the Jell-O man in his face.

And you're paralyzed and slowly eaten alive.

End of game.

I've heard enough.

Time for Barry to fix this.

Where did he come from?

He does that.

Just go away. This is hopeless.

That's where you're wrong.

The only problem is, you guys don't speak the same language.

You speak lazy-eyed nerd, and, like me, you speak awesome, all-star athlete.

Tater "T"?

Score.

Yeah, man.

I like this bro.

Of course you do.

Even though I'm ripped like you, my body has also been infected by my brother's crippling geekery.

I tried to fight it, but it's too powerful.

And it's led to this.

[Sighs]

Dude, you created a D and D character?

Lord Big of Tasty.

I wanted one ready in case you asked me to play, but... you never did.

I just assumed you didn't care.

Point is, if this crazy-jacked bro can learn how to play D and D, other super-shredded bros can, too.

I mean, sure, we're shredded, but we suck at this game.

Adam keeps yelling at us and hurting our feelings.

That's 'cause you used a lightning-bolt spell in an underwater melee like a bunch of scrubs.

We're trying our best.

We're just not good at it like you.

Do you have any idea how it feels to... to suck so bad?

Actually, I do... when I play basketball.

I-I didn't know that.

Yeah, man. Sorry.

All right. Lord Big of Tasty, teach us how to win.

I shall.

But first... coming off the top rope!

All: Oh!

Hey, boopie.

Go away.

Look, I wanted to apologize for your dad.

Some people just don't understand the boundary between parent and child.

Are you high on nail polish?

I never went to college.

This whole thing has made me realize everything I missed out on, and at the end of the day, I couldn't bear it if you missed out on those things, too.

Really?

Trust me, college is gonna be amazing.

We are gonna have so much fun.

Oh, my God. Thank you s...

Wait. "We"?

Yes. Crazy story.

I was watching this movie with Pops, and...

Please don't say "Back to School".

It was "Back to School," and I realized that could be us.

Hmm?

No! Dad!

Wherever you are sitting or eating in this house, come to my room immediately.

It's an emergency.

I was both sitting and eating, so this better be worth it.

I'm going to Carnegie Mellon with Erica.

No.

We're gonna be roommates.

No!

We're gonna sneak in a hot plate to cook ramen soup.

Never!

And then we're gonna rush the same sorority.

This is a nightmare.

And I'll be her mother and her sister.

k*ll me.

She's right, Beverly.

You're acting nuts.

Yes. Thank you.

'Cause she's obviously not going away at all.

Erica's staying here and being my little peanut.

What is wrong with you people?!

Seriously, I get no respect!

No respect.

That's exactly what Rodney Dangerzone says.

See? We are on the same team.

No, we're not.

If either of you were on my team, you would actually hear my hopes and dreams and not try to take them away or make them about you.

So just forget all of it.

I won't go to college at all.

Wow.

I guess we both really blew it here, huh?

Mostly you.

As my parents were facing off against Erica, our school gym was about to witness the face-off of a lifetime.

Looks like Goldberg and his merry band of meatheads are a no show.

Congrats, boys.

You just earned yourself a cheese pizza.

I have been in real dungeon.

♪ We're playing and D ♪

But we did show... Ready to roll... some dice.

♪ We love that D and D ♪

Dungeons and Dragons, anyone?

Whatever. By the end of this game, you guys aren't gonna know what end of the Staff of the Magi you're holding.

Well, if you're casting confusion, the Staff of the Magi gives the user a plus-two on saves versus magic, so, uh, good luck with that.

[Gasps] They've learned our ways.

Enough talk. Let the battle begin.

[Blows whistle]

♪ D and D is my favorite game ♪
♪ I like the way you battle, but you use your brain ♪
♪ Just like I'm the king of the bolt and sword ♪

All: Yeah!

♪ Fighting ogres and orcs and the monster hoard ♪
♪ I roll the dice and then I lead my crew ♪

Dude!

Oh!

♪ No Dungeon Master can scare my crew ♪

I cast cure light wounds.

I draw my Staff of Striking.

Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt!

Thank you, cloak of displacement.

Corbett, you're dead.

Taz Money, the basilisk turns you to stone.

Face!

Sirota, you're out.

Come on, DM.

What kind of call is that?

That day, the most amazing thing happened. It was no longer jocks versus scrubs. We were a class united in one belief...

D and D was awesome.

All: Yeah!

It was the greatest game ever played in any gym class, and we loved it. Except for Coach Mellor, who didn't realize it would last four hours.

It's 6:30 P.M. I just want my life back.

In the end, two were left standing... Me and the friend I betrayed. Our D and D game was ending, and with one last move, I would become a gym-class hero.

All right, Goldfarb, as you reach the soul gem, you find a gelatinous cube slowly oozing towards you.

Take the gem.

Finish it up, Goldberg.

Easy lay-up.

Go ahead, Betrayer. End it.

Don't act like that.

Me and my boys won this fair and square.

It's not about winning, man.

D and D was the one thing we were good at, and now... you took that away, too.

♪♪

Take the gem and win the game already.

Please.

I raise my sword... and toss it aside and swan-dive directly into the gelatinous cube.

[Gasping] Adam, no!

What? Are you crazy?

No, no.

Everybody, shut up.

You do realize you'll die if you touch the Jell-O thing.

I touch the Jell-O.

No!

Stop!

I touch the Jell-O!

I touch the Jell-O!

And you're dead. Dave Kim's team wins.

Somebody clean this up.

[Blows whistle]

Good game.

I don't get it.

You finally had their respect. Why give it up?

[General Public's "Tenderness" plays]

I guess it's not their respect I want.

And so, that day, I fell on my sword to save something much more important, and my parents realized letting go was more important than holding on.

Hey, Squishy. Can we talk?

Oh, God, I'm gonna cry. Murray, you talk.

[Sighs] Rough start.

Look, you know how I sometimes say to you kids that I want you out of the house?

Only three to five times a day.

Yeah, well, the reason is it always seemed so far away.

Then I blinked and here we are, and... I guess I just wasn't ready for it.

♪ But I was scared to go much further with it ♪

And don't worry.

I won't go to college with you. Unless you want me to.

Never.

You'll sleep on it.

That day, my parents started to let their peanut go, and me and my new friends realized it didn't matter if you're picked first or last 'cause we're all on the same team.

Should've cast a reverse gravity spell, Holmes.

♪ Just half a chance ♪

That's pretty impressive.

Thanks. [Chuckles]

♪ Next night you're not ♪

Barry: What?

You got psionic powers and you're attacking with a dagger?

What a dork.

Barry, this is the third time you've walked by.

Do you, like, want to join us?

[Laughs]

Let's do this, boys.

That's the thing about the adventure of life. It doesn't matter if you win or lose. It's who you have along for the ride.

♪ Is your love like a button? ♪

Stop! I don't want you filming me, all right?

Stop!

Lord Big of Tasty, in the clearing, you encounter a she-wolf.

Fight or flee?

I do a few push-ups to get pumped up, and I ask her out.

For sure.

Yeah, boy.

Boom! [Laughs]

But then, suddenly, her smokin' hot twin sister's also there, and she's like, "Hey, why don't we all party?"

And then we hop into the wolf hot tub that's also there.

There's no wolf hot tub!

Come on, DM.

Fine. If you roll a 20, it's the best night of your life.

[Blows]

One.

Damn it!

The she-wolves eat you.

Anyone want to play Monopoly?