04x07 - Ho-ly K.I.T.T.

Adult Adam: Back in the '80s, all the best TV shows featured a cool vehicle.

Airwolf was a badass chopper.

Street Hawk tore it up on a cycle.

But my favorite was K.I.T.T. from "Knight Rider"...

A turbo-boosted talking super car!

I was so obsessed, I even made my own version of K.I.T.T., and I named it G.I.T.T.!

Oh, no, G.I.T.T.!

The evil corporate types are chasing us in that armored truck!

What the hell did you do to my station wagon?

Isn't it great?

I turned it into G.I.T.T., which stands for Goldberg Industries Turbo Transport!

Well, you're a moron, which stands for moron, moron.

That doesn't work as an acronym.

Even though Hollywood seemed millions of miles away from Jenkintown, as fate would have it, TV's coolest car was about to roll into my life!

Holy K.I.T.T.

Mom, I am coming to you with an urgent request, 'cause you understand the hopes and dreams of a sensitive, artistic boy.

What is it, Love Bug? Tell Mama.

I want to go see K.I.T.T. in the Gimbels Thanksgiving Day Parade.

I'm not driving you anywhere on Thanksgiving.

Please, Mama.

Make the awful man take me to see the thing I love.

Sweetie, I would never deprive my delicious little schmoopster of anything his heart desires.

Yes! In your face, guy who's gonna drive me to fun!

However, it is Thanksgiving...

It's the one day a year when we gather together as a family and appreciate the feast that I've been working on for months.

In your face.

Fine, forget your car!

I've got my own set of wheels, and I will make it downtown!

["Knight Rider" theme plays]

This was so much cooler when I was 7.

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪
♪ But nonetheless, I feel the need to say ♪
♪ I don't know the future ♪
♪ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

It was Thanksgiving, 1980-something, and the Goldbergs' turkey day traditions

were in full swing...

[Doorbell rings]

which meant a visit from my uncle Marvin.

Freeze, turkeys! [Laughs]

That's right.

Thanksgiving got a little bit safer.

Now that Officer Goldberg is on the case!

Oh, my God! I know a cop now.

Okay, don't get sucked in. He's not a real cop.

He's just an idiot that works in a mall.

Actually, Mur-Man, for the record, I'm more than a cop.

I'm above the law. The laws don't apply to me.

I'm like The Equalizer or Batman!

Both of which aren't real... Just like your badge.

Does this look not real to you?

We got a 10-50 at the Goldberg residence, please respond.

Cool! What's a 10-50?

A homicide.

Murder?!

Isn't HQ gonna respond?!

No, they can tell by the tone of my voice I'm just having a little fun.

Awesome! Do you have a gun?

Nope, I'm not allowed!

But... there's no rules against [Singsong voice] this!

[Laughs] This my little potato gun.

I had it made special.

It may not look like much, but at close range, it'll take out a rhino.

Get that thing out of here before you hurt someone, you moron!

That's it!

As an officer of the Gallery Mall, I will not be disrespected this way.

I'm storming out!

No. No. No.

There will be no storming this year, do you hear me?

We are going to eat together as a family with no drama, understand?

Psht!

[Grunts]

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Okay.

Oh!

Here's the story.

Oh!

Barry came at me... He was out of control.

You're gonna have to stab me in the arm...

That was awesome!

Oh, my God, you're alive!

[Sighs]

[Voice breaking] Come here.

Amazingly, the potato gun wasn't the craziest thing to happen that holiday.

It was a revelation that would change my mom forever.

Mom, I have a huge announcement.

I just read "Diet for a Small Planet," and I am officially a vegetarian.

No, you're not. Get out of here.

Not that stupid thing... This.

Okay, I'm heading out.

See you at 9:00 when Thanksgiving is over.

What?

Lainey's dad invited me to their big dinner, and I'm going, even though I know what you're gonna say...

[High-pitched voice] "My name is Mom, and this is the most important day of the year for me."

Ha! That's totally her!

Actually, I wasn't gonna say that at all.

You can go to Lainey's for Thanksgiving if that's what you want.

Really?

You go have fun.

I'll just be here doing my mom thang.

[Chuckles]

Hey, there, guess what.

You're invited to our Thanksgiving.

The invitation is just a formality.

You're coming... No, it's not an option.

Well, thanks, but we kind of have our own thing...

Okay, it's settled. Yay!

I'll see you in a few. Don't bring any food.

I'm closing the door, shutting off all communication, okay?

Yay again!

No, I didn't...

While my mom was forcing Bill and Lainey to our Thanksgiving, my dad was forced to spend quality time with his brother.

When we get close enough, I want you to triangulate the source.

K.I.T.T.: We should be close enough now.

Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. What is this?

It's a show about a talking car that Adam loves.

Pretty silly, isn't it?

Well, yeah, but I-I got to admit, I'm digging this guy's style.

All right, give me a visual on the license plate.

Good idea.

Whoo-hoo! You're so right!

The man oozes cool.

Adult Adam: And then, for the first time in ages, my dad and Uncle Marvin actually had something in common.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Unexpectedly, Thanksgiving became a thing of joy for them.

Yahtzee!

We'll just watch one more.

Or two. Or three. Just to pass the time.

Since I was a geek who had taped every episode, my dad and uncle were able to sit down for the world's first binge-watching session.

We should do this more often.

You know, bros watching shows.

This is us at our best.

Like when we'd watch "Lone Ranger" as kids?

You'd always be my Tonto.

Shh-shh-shh-shh-shh! I got to hear this.

K.I.T.T.'s lost his nerve.

Who would've thought that a car could doubt itself?

It's not nearly as crazy as when Michael fought his evil goateed twin, Garthe.

Or when K.I.T.T. battled his evil twin K.A.R.R. with a yellow light instead of the red one!

How do they come up with this stuff?!

Man, that is one cool ride.

I betcha it looks even better in person.

Whoa, whoa, za-bah-bah-bah-oh-ho-ho hold on!

This is the car that's gonna be in the Thanksgiving Day parade!

I remember hearing that before.

Mur-Man, they park all of the floats in the mall parking lot!

Must be déjà vu.

Come on, you think that The Hoff would bail on an opportunity like this?

Never! Let's ride.

I keep feeling like I'm forgetting something.

[Sighs]

What could it be?

Ah, camera.

I can't believe you!

What kind of monster won't let her own son abandon his entire family on Thanksgiving?!

You left me no choice.

You know I would literally die if I didn't have all my children here for Thanksgiving.

Is that what you want...

To bury your mother on Thanksgiving?

Yes!

Lainey's dad inviting me to his house is the first clear sign that he's given up on hating my guts!

Boopie, now you have the best of both worlds.

You can have dinner with Lainey's family and with your actual family who means so much more than those other people.

[Doorbell rings]

Hello. Welcome to a Goldberg Thanks-

Gangway, gangway! Have no fear, the Thanksgiving cavalry is here!

Um, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Bill, I told you, you didn't have to bring anything.

Oh, please! As a guest, it's my job to bring you a few snacks.

Main course. Also six pies.

That is so sweet. [Chuckles] Really, but no.

[Chuckles] We're covered on food, and I'm about to put my turkey in the oven.

Oven? Well, I guess that's one less delicious way to do it.

Dad, you promised to keep it breezy.

That's me... Easy-breezy Bill, and he says it can't be Thanksgiving without his famous fried turkey.

Fried? [Laughs]

Never had a Thanksgiving without my fryer.

So, you know...

Do something?

How about we serve both of them?

Great idea, son.

You called me son.

Yes, thank you, my actual son.

[Laughs] Double birds.

Makes total sense.

Huge Thanksgiving announcement, Bill and Lainey.

I won't be eating turkey this year for moral reasons.

What's her deal?

Get out of here!

No one has time for your thing this year.

While Thanksgiving was off to a competitive start, I was realizing I lost out big time.

I seemed to be the only person in all of Philadelphia who wasn't seeing K.I.T.T. that day.

Oh, man. I wish I was there.

Literally.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

What the hell is that?!

It looks your father and your uncle doing the thing you wanted to do...

I know what it is, Pops!

Whoo!

That was amazing.

Who would've enjoyed this more than us?!

No one, that's who!

There was someone...

A spiteful dork in a puffer vest ready to unleash pure nerd rage.

You!

What are you doing?!

I got to pull the car in!

How could you two see K.I.T.T. without me?!

Calm down.

How was I supposed to know you wanted to see the awesome TV car?

'Cause I'm the one who told you about it!

Ahh. That's where I heard that.

In my defense, you're always talking about these He-Mans, these robots, and these Trons, they all kind of blur together.

You're confusing sci-fi fantasy with reality-based sci-fi action.

You're embarrassing yourself!

Listen, kid, if it's any consolation, you were totally right.

Meeting K.I.T.T. in person...

It was, like, life changing.

It w... it was better than you could ever think!

That's not a consolation! That's rubbing my face in it!

Look, I know it meant a lot to you, so it's on me.

And...?

And, uh... we should just move past this.

No!

Hey! Hey!

Your father is opening up his heart to you, Adam.

You should be more sensitive to his feelings.

It's Thanksgiving, man!

Kids, huh?

Unbelievable.

Fine! You want... You want to see bad?!

Do... Mark my words, vengeance will be...

Oh, man, this thing's fast!

[Quickly] Vengeance will be mine!

Ew, there's a spider here!

It was still Thanksgiving, and I was going to dish some sweet revenge by turning my dad and uncle against each other.

Come on, they're getting along.

Don't take that away from them over some singing boat.

Talking car.

Enough with this meshuggaas.

Dad and Uncle Marvin think they can just take my favorite TV show? [Laughs]

We'll see about that when I unleash the power of this.

A fun kid's game?

Ages 8 and up, and guaranteed to turn my uncle against my dad.

That's it, we are officially not brothers!

Guys, relax.

All I said was only one person could be the Michael Knight game piece.

We just have to figure out which one of you is not the hero.

I'm the Hoff!

If anyone is Michael Knight, it's me!

Be the car! You love the car!

You think that I would ever let you ride in me?

Oh-ho-ho!

I ride in you!

Oh, this is, like, crazy awkward.

We can't have two Michael Knights.

This is just like when we were kids and you always wanted to be the Lone Ranger, and you forced me to be Tonto!

You loved Tonto!

Why don't you both discuss the childhood betrayal in detail?

I always wanted to be the Lone Ranger, but now I proved you wrong!

I'm a cop!

You're not a cop!

You just guard the fountain where the bored dads sit.

Ouch. Attacking you as a person.

Well, you know everything there is to know about sitting, don't you, Mur?

Because that's all you ever do, you lazy ass!

Well, I'm walking now!

Look at this!

You can't storm out! That's my move!

He is the worst, huh?

Know what'll really piss him off?

I don't. Tell me. Say it!

A picture of you sitting in the real K.I.T.T.

That would prove you're the Hoff.

Hey! The mall where I work...

That's where they're storing all the Thanksgiving Day floats...

K.I.T.T. included! Let's go there now.

What a brilliant idea, which you had with no help from me.

Here's your jacket and car keys!

Let's jam!

As my plan was heating up, things were getting frostier between Bill and my mom.

Excusez-moi.

Okay, Bill, if you could just stay in your designated area, I would appreciate it.

Oh, my bad. You see, when you're a pro at Thanksgiving like me, cooking is like jazz.

You just go where it takes you.

♪ Bad-dap-pap-pow ♪


Salt.

No one likes jazz, okay? No one.

Oh, well, maybe we should do a little Pepsi challenge.

Put our birds side by side. Winner takes all!

We're not having a cook-off, okay?

You're a guest in my home.

I couldn't embarrass you like that.

Ooh! Sounds like someone's scared.

Maybe you should be cooking a chicken instead! Ba-gawk!

Okay, now he's taunting her with the chicken squawk.

This is bad.

Don't sweat it, babe.

Big Tasty is the master at defusing tension.

There's a line.

Excuse me.

Stop it.

I'm gonna just help you.

Mom. Bill. It's Thanksgiving.

And me and Lainey both think...

Oh, sweet god of food, what is in my mouth-face right now?!

Barry, no!

My famous fried stuffing balls.

Bill wins! Bill wins the Pepsi challenge for Thanksgiving!

Okay, what Barry meant to say was let's not make today a competition.

It's not what the holiday's about.

Ow, so hot! Don't care.

Kids make a good point, Bev.

Today's not about winners or losers.

Don't look at me.

You're right. Shame on us for competing over who cares more about Thanksgiving.

Although, if it was a competition, clearly I'd win because I'm a single dad and this day is all I got.

Oh, would you win, though?

'Cause I'm the one with three kids about to leave the nest and pretty soon it'll just be me and Murray staring silently at each other across a long table thinking, "Is this all there is?"

Sad story, Bev.

But not as sad as the Thanksgiving when Lainey's mommy left.

Which isn't important, 'cause it's not a competition.

No, it isn't.

So it doesn't matter that I tell you that year I was too depressed to cook.

Little Lainey looked up at me and said, [High-pitched] "Why no twurkey, Dada?"

[Normal voice] In that moment, I vowed that I would always fry her a turkey.

Okay, now you're both just competing over whose life is sadder.

Oh, you want sad? I'll give you sad.

It was Thanksgiving 1946, but where was Grandma?

Not at dinner.

She was pinned underneath a trolley car.

Okay, stop. Just go back to your stupid turkey competition.

May the best turkey win.

Which is mine!

Excuse me, I need to get through.

I'm sorry.

Pardon me.

I'm sorry.

Pardon me.

As the turkey competition turned into a nightmare, I was about to meet the car of my dreams.

Follow me.

Stick to the shadows and watch my 6:00.

[Choir singing]

♪ Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh ♪

[Engine starts]

Do you hear that?

[Imitates K.I.T.T.'s scanner whooshing]

[Imitates K.I.T.T.'s scanner whooshing]

Do me a favor.

I want you to take a picture of me as Michael Knight and we can rub it in your dad's ass face!

[Laughs]

Say "Trans zam!"

[Laughs]

Cool, and then m-maybe we could switch?

Or we can fire it up and then your dad can see me behind the wheel!

Uhh, I think if we get caught driving it, we could get into some serious trouble.

Don't worry, kid.

The security in this mall is terrible.

Aah!

["Knight Rider" theme plays]

[Both humming to "Knight Rider" theme]

♪ Da-dada-da ♪
♪ Da-dada-da ♪
♪ I am the Knight Rider ♪
♪ I am the Knight Rider ♪

[Both laugh]

What the hell is this?!

Now who's Michael Knight, you dook nugget?!

You made my son an accessory to grand theft auto just to get back at me?

It was worth it!

Unless I go to jail. Then it was not worth it.

Get ready to gobble gobble, Goldbergs!

Yes, we're all very excited to eat a turkey that's been fried in a trash can.

Well, everybody hold on, your taste buds are about to explode!

Whoa!

Aah!

Admit it. I'm the Michael Knight.

I'm even driving the car!

[Breathlessly] Son of a bitch!

Holy crap!

[Voice breaking] Oh, no, K.I.T.T.'s hurt real bad!

Balls!

Somebody call a car doctor!

That's called a mechanic, you moron.

[Normal voice] You shut up!

I'm the Michael Knight, okay?!

I know exactly what to do here.

What's that?

It had been moments since the Great Goldberg Turkey Explosion, but inside, my family was about to go nuclear.

This is your fault, Mur! You did that to my car!

It's not your car!

And how would I send a turkey flying out of the sky?

A turkey only goes airborne like that if it's frozen, which means somebody popped it in the freezer! You did this!

Excuse me?

It's just like you to steal a car on Thanksgiving.

Why don't you bring it back before something worse happens?!

There you go, bossing me around again!

Face it... You've been jealous of my turkey since the moment it stepped claw in this house.

This is exactly why I hated playing the Lone Ranger when we were kids.

I had to be bossy!

I was the one raising you, 'cause our dad was never there!

Admit it! You put that turkey in the freezer!

I never asked you to be my father.

I never asked for you to be my brother, but I didn't get a choice in that either.

All right! Maybe I did want your turkey to be a tad less delicious than mine, but I didn't know it was going to turn into a meat rocket!

Ah-ha!

Oh, boy. Barry, say something.

I have no mother!

Something helpful.

Then we both agree... We're done being brothers!

Fine by me!

No! The idea here was to enjoy a car, not hate each other forever!

Don't look at me!

He's the one that refused to let me be Michael Knight!

I was wrong. There can be two!

Like how there are two Adam Goldbergs in my school!

Come on, Lainey. We're leaving!

Yeah! I'm leaving, as well!

And I'm never coming back!

The Hoff has spoken.

Oh, no, he hasn't. You know why?

Because I'm the Hoff!

Oh, look, now the Hoff's spoken!

Oh, no, you are mistaken because the Hoff already spoke!

Uncle Marvin, don't go!

You know nothing of the Hoff!

I am the Hoff, infinity, no backsies!

There's two Adam Goldbergs!

One of us uses an F to differentiate!

What the... Everyone, come back!

It's Thanks-[Bleep]-giving!

This is what you get for being meat eaters.

[Chuckles]

Not the right time to talk about my thing, huh?

I'll come back later.

[Sighs]

Look at that guy...

Born to be a pain in my ass.

Look, don't blame Uncle Marvin.

I may have kind of purposely turned you guys against each other.

Why?

I was mad you saw K.I.T.T. without me, but it was wrong to tear you guys apart.

Also, it was shockingly easy to do.

Honestly, it weirdly took no effort.

Yeah, well, it's on me not remembering that that's your favorite show.

At least I finally got to see the car 'cause, you know, w-we stole it.

And I finally got along with my brother.

For a little while, at least.

Well, it doesn't have to be over.

[When In Rome's "The Promise" plays]

[Sighs]

Let me guess. You came out here to tell me how much I screwed everything up again.

I came out here to tell you that, um...

♪ If you need a friend ♪

I was wrong.

What?

♪ Don't look to a stranger ♪

Look, I know I wasn't great to you when we were growing up...

♪ You know in the end ♪

.. but, you know, Dad wasn't around, and I figured I had to be the boss.

♪ I'll always be there ♪

Yeah, well, I'm sure it wasn't easy.

♪ But when you're in doubt ♪

Point is, I should have given you the chance to be the Lone Ranger, too.

♪ And when you're in danger ♪

Thanks, man, that means a lot.

Well, you can still be the Hoff.

♪ Take a look all around ♪

It's up to you.

You know, you're the one who's the cop.

♪ And I'll be there ♪

[Voice breaking] Aww, Mur.

You're choking me up here.

That was not my intention.

Bring it in.

♪ I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking ♪

No, hugging in a car...

♪ Of the right words to say ♪

Come on in.

♪ Promise ♪

No, I... I...

[Groans] Okay. Oh, buddy.

♪ I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be ♪
♪ Promise ♪
♪ But if you wait around a while ♪

What's going on out there?

♪ I'll make you fall for me ♪

Dad apologized to Uncle Marvin.

♪ I promise ♪

No.

♪ I promise you I will ♪

I guess that's what today's about...

Being thankful for the people that are here, even if they drive you crazy.

♪ When your day is through ♪

In that moment, my mom realized she could still save Thanksgiving.

♪ And so is your temper ♪

Well, well, it's the Turkey Saboteur.

♪ You know what to do ♪

I deserve that. But I, uh...

♪ I'm gonna always be there ♪

.. just wanted to tell you that... you win.

I do?

Yes.

♪ I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking ♪

Your Thanksgivings were way sadder...

♪ Of the right words to say ♪

And I realize that as much as the holiday means to me...

♪ I know they don't sound the way ♪
♪ I planned them to be ♪

.. it means way more to you.

♪ But if you wait around a while ♪

Listen, I just wasn't ready to change up Thanksgiving.

♪ I'll make you fall for me ♪
♪ I promise, I promise you I will ♪

It's always been me and Lainey.

♪ I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking ♪
♪ Of the right words to say ♪

She's all I have.

And now you have us, too.

♪ I know they don't sound the way ♪
♪ I planned them to be ♪

And we can figure out how to have the best Thanksgiving for both of us.

♪ And if I had to walk the world ♪
♪ I'd make you fall for me ♪
♪ I promise you, I promise you I will ♪

That year, our Thanksgiving got a little bigger.

Okay, folks, Bev and I aren't quite sure what this will be like, but it's her seasonings and a little bit of Lewis frying know-how. Dig in!

♪ I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking ♪

Holy crap, that's amazing!

♪ Of the right words to say ♪

What happened to your vegetable thing?

♪ I know they don't sound the way ♪

Eh, I'll try it again next year when everyone doesn't have as much stuff going on.

♪ I planned them to be ♪
♪ But if you wait around a while ♪

Turns out, doesn't matter what kind of turkey you cook.

And a Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

♪ I'll make you fall for me ♪

Happy Thanksgiving, you guys.

Or what table you sit at.

♪ I promise, I promise you I will ♪

It's the people who you welcome into your home

and your heart who really matter.

♪ I will ♪

And that's something to be truly thankful for.

Mmm.

♪ I will ♪
♪ I will ♪

[Laughter] Go!

[Turkey sizzling]

[Sighs] Being a vegetarian sucked.

Honestly, I was just looking for something to distract me from thinking about Geoff all the time.

No, freakin' way!

Hey, Geoff! Look, it's Geoff!

I thought Barry was messing with me when he said K.I.T.T. was here.

"Knight Rider" is my favorite show!

Mine too! I love the knights and horses and swords.

Maybe don't talk until you've seen it.

We should take her for a spin together!

Uh, maybe grab a burger, just me and you?

Oh, my God, yes! We can swing by Evy's house and pick her up!

She's gonna flip!

That's not how you wanted it to work, huh?

Yeah, really not my week.

KITT, pick-up girlfriend.

[Laugh]