04x13 - Agassi

Back in the '80s, me and my best friend, Chad Kremp were budding Spielbergs.

We were so into making movies, we even had our own company.

Chadam Productions, "Turtles," take one.

Yep, we'd been making movies together since we were kids.

Our dream was to grow up and be famous filmmakers together.

Nothing would stop it, or so I thought.

Sorry, dude.

I can't make a movie today.I got tennis practice, and then I'm going out for burgers with Alicia.

Come on, our home movies always come first.

You know the saying... flicks before chicks!

Sorry, bro.

Oh, my poor sweetie.

I'll be in your little movie.

No. Stop right there.

♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪

Because I didn't want this to be my life, I had to find a way to get Chad back into movies.

Today we are seeing the most important movie of our generation, "Quicksilver."

Sorry. I got tennis practice today.

But it stars the always reliable Kevin Bacon as a big-city bike messenger who uses his wheels and his wits to escape danger.

That doesn't really sound like my kind of thing.

Of course it's your thing! It's a hard-core sports movie.

Delivering mail by bicycle is not a sport.

Shut up, Dave Kim! Come on, Chad.

The only reason to see "Quicksilver" is to talk crap about "Quicksilver" after you see "Quicksilver."

I can't do it alone.

Yo, guys, you coming or what?

(Sighs) Sorry, Ad Rock.

In that moment, I realized there was only one way to reunite with my best friend... do the unthinkable.

All right, everyone, meet your new teammate.

Kid's got zero experience, but he makes up for it by showing up.

Hi! I'm Adam.

Pumped to play some tennis, but I hear it's a real "racquet."

Yeah, that's what I bring to the table.

Ah, yikes, off to a rough start.

All right. (Whistle blows)

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪
♪ But nonetheless, I feel the need to say ♪
♪ I don't know the future ♪
♪ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

It was Valentine's Day, 1980-something, and everywhere you looked, love was in the air.

Check it out.I robbed a bank for you, baby.

(Gasps) I love it.

I'm so sorry I haven't stolen anything for you yet.

It was a day for teenage romance.

Unless you were my sister.

You stupid sheep are slaves to this corporate holiday!

Ha! But not this girl.

I walk alone. So completely alone.

She had given up on love after losing out on Geoff Schwartz.

Hey, sweetie.

(Chuckles) How are things?

(Scoffs) So good.

Do you have any ranch dressing I can pour into this chip bag?

Like, on me, in the hallway?

Just give me the ranch dressing!

I don't have ranch dressing!

Look, you can't get so depressed over Valentine's Day, okay?

I mean, Barry hasn't gotten me anything, and I couldn't care less. Dear God, I see puppies!

Lady Lewis, how I feel about you is more than puppy love.

I doggone adore you.

I recognize this is bad timing.

Aww.

Mm!

I'm actually jealous of my brother and his girlfriend.

This is a new low.

Hey, Erica.

Geoff!

Wow. This is so thoughtful.

He really is.

Aren't I the luckiest?

Yes, you are, 'cause you're dating, so obviously the wonderful bear is for you 'cause that makes too much sense, and they're gone.

Who has ranch?!

Okay, we need to help that girl.

This sounds like a job for the bodacious guidance counselor that all the kids adore and respect.

First of all, your constant lurking is really jarring.

Can't a guy stand around teenagers, waiting for some juicy gossip without being judged?

No. And secondly, I don't think Erica will listen to any of us.

Oh, don't worry.

Old Glascott is a professional and knows exactly how to handle this.

Right this way, Erica.

The make-your-own-s'mores buffet is in here.

Oh, God, what is this?

There's no make-your-own-s'mores buffet.

I lied. (Chuckles) Have a seat.

Okay, what the hell is going on?

This is called an intervention.

It's a new craze sweeping the nation.

I read a pamphlet and everything.

I've been intervening in her life for years.

It's so exciting to finally do it in a professional setting.

We've all come together to say that we want the old Erica back.

Yeah, we want the Erica from the last three years.

You know, you were so confident and talented.

But this year, you're weak and sad and boy-crazy.

Thank you for that honest assessment, Barry's interchangeable friends.

Ouch.

I know. I get it.

Look, Erica, these boys care about you.

We all do, which is why we wrote letters to make this easier to say.

I'll start.

"Dearest Erica, I miss your singing."

That's it?

Yeah, I don't really know her.

Look, I manage 600 kids, okay?

You're up next, big fella.

Erica, I was at work when your mom called me, and I fought through traffic to get here, and what I'm really trying to say is, what is this?

Oh, Murray, you're not helping.

I know I'm not helping because I don't know what this is.

What your father is trying to say is we want the old Erica back, the one who'd fight with me and sneak out and steal my credit card and buy wine coolers and blame it on a hobo who lived in our walls.

I miss your fire and your passion. We all do.

So, what do you say?

I say... Phff... Later, turds.

(Sighs)

Well, my first intervention was a bust.

Well, we tried your dumb thing, Andre.

Looks like the only person who can fix Erica is me.

Oh, God, no.

This is bad. Don't do that.

Why am I here?!

Well, that settles it.

It's time for the mother of all interventions.

A "mothervention"!

Damn it, that's good wordplay. Okay, she's got to get involved now.

Is this done yet? Can we go?

My mom was dead set on bringing Erica back to her old self.

(Whistle blows)

Meanwhile, I was ready to bring back Chadam in a big way.

This is gonna be awesome.

Yeah, uh, since when do you play tennis?

I don't. Good news is, you can teach me when we're doubles partners.

Wait. What?

Chadam's back, baby!

Aah! Oh!

Sorry, I've never been this close to sports before, but it's gonna be fun. Except it wasn't.

It turns out tennis is super hard.

Do over!

Sun was in my eye.

Can you hit the ball slower?

Oh, hold on, my shorts are riding up.

Wait! My glasses are fogged!

I'm really good at Nintendo tennis.

As I fell apart on the court, my mom had the perfect way to cheer up Erica.

What have you dragged me to?

What is this place?

Only the happiest place in the world.

The Disco!

This place is sadder than I am.

Oh, it's just early.

Listen, back before I realized that my ultimate joy was having babies, my gal pals and I had a place we'd go where we would just groove the night away.

It was packed with people just having the time of their lives.

Mom, look around.

Disco is dead.

Oh, poop.

I think I would've heard if a whole genre of music had died.

(Laughs) Excuse me, sir.

What time does this place explode into a disco inferno?

When all the two-faced schmucks of this world admit that it's the music that shaped America!

I think that's jazz.

It's disco, fool!

The Angry Weirdo is right. Time to boogie the night away.

And boogie she did.

What happened next was a Beverly Goldberg disco inferno.

She burned up the dance floor with the funky chicken and also this... and that... and whatever this move is.

I think it's called the Embarrassing Mom.

Whatever it's called, (Chuckling) it was bad...

Really bad.

Come on, just dance for one minute.

You'll forget all your worries and be happy normal, happy Erica again.

If I disco for one second, then can we leave this glittery hellscape?

Deal.

But despite it all, my mom was right.

Whee! It took a little convincing, but once Erica was on the floor, the music took care of the rest.

Whoo!

Yes!

For half a hustle.

Boom!

Oh, my God!

Are you disco-dancing with a teacher on Valentine's Day?

What? No. She's my mom.

That's even sadder.

Hey, you guys are at this lame place, too.

Uh, that's only 'cause they sell cheap beer to minors.

Whoa, are you guys underage?

Nope, I'm 27 according to my commercial trucking license.

Don't look at the picture.

I lost a bunch of weight and got less Asian.

We're cool.

Hey, kids.

Why don't you quit yer yappin' and take a trip to Funkytown?

Would you stop that?

I can't. I'm all funked up.

While my sister tried to escape my mom, I was ready for some quality time with my bestie.

Tennis, man, you know, tennis.

Yeah.

And the best part is this thing. It's like Pac-Man.

Wakka, wakka, wakka, wakka.

Wakka, wakka, wakka.

Adam.

Wakka, wakka...

Adam, please.

Listen, I'm thinking... we shouldn't be doubles partners anymore.

Oh, wow.

This... This is unexpected.

Is it me?

No. It's... It's me.

I can do better. I can change.

I don't want you to change.

Just tell me the kind of partner you want me to be, and I'll just be it.

I just need a break from doubles.

All right?

I-I need to focus on being single for a while.

Okay, I don't want to force being partners.

But when you're ready, I'll be here waiting.

Chad is doubles partners with Dave Kim?!

That is not single behavior.

Coach Mellor!

Please tell me you forced Chad to be partners with Dave Kim.

Quite the opposite, Goldfarb. Chad came to me.

Made me swear to keep it a secret, too.

Something about feelings and friendship, I don't know.

I'm not your remembering things secretary, Chad Kremp!

That snake is cheating on me with my mortal enemy, who is actually a great guy and another friend.

I sympathize. Tennis is a lot like marriage.

It's long, and it's boring, and eventually, she leaves you for a handsome Latin man who was just supposed to re-tile your bathroom.

Well, there's only one thing left to do.

I become the best tennis player this school has ever known, and I need your help to do it.

Damn it, Goldfarb.

As a coach, I took a blood oath never to let a student-athlete fail if he's got drive and desire, which is exactly why I'm gonna get into my Ford Festiva and pretend you never asked.

I will be top seed! I'll show you!

I'll show Chad. I'll show everyone!

Come on!

That almost bonked me in my shin. Not cool, guys!


It had been one day since the disco disaster, and all Erica wanted to do was hide from everyone in a dark theater.

Or not.

Erica?

Six, seven...

Yeah, that should be enough seats for all my friends.

Oh, Geoff and Evy?

You're here seeing "Quicksilver"? Me too!

I'm just waiting for Lainey and the rest of the gang.

Cool.

Fine! I'm all alone!

I'm hiding out watching a crappy Kevin Bacon movie about bicycles all by myself.

Are you okay?

This is the second time I've seen this movie today, so, no.

Geoffrey, why don't you run and get Erica one of those extra large KitKats?

I've noticed sweet treats have been the one friend she can count on this week.

Geoff to the rescue!

Well, well.

Who knew I'd spend Valentine's Day with the woman who tried to snake my man?

Yeah, I'm sure this is a great moment for you.

Honestly, it's not.

I mean, I should be gloating, but...

You're very sad. It just makes me want to hug you.

Oh, God, no! Don't hug me!

We're enemies. You're supposed to fear me.

Sweetie, not anymore.

Now I just want you to be okay.

Evy's pity was the last straw.

In that moment, My sister knew...

(Horn honks, tires screech)

She had to get back on the bike again.

(Popcorn cup clatters lightly)

It took a shower, a trip to Benetton, [i]and two hours of crimping, and Erica was officially back to her awesome self.

(Gasps)

(Pan clatters) Oh, there she is!

My beautiful baby is back!

Back from where?

How much did it cost me?

Murray, pay attention.

What... were you at dance camp?

Something to do with music?I know it hits me in the pocket.

Let's just say that I finally decided to make a change.

See? I told you.

A little disco can solve anything.

(Chuckles) Thanks, Mom.

You really are a great...

Oh, bup, bup, bup!

Don't pull away. I'm still hugging you.

Oh. (Both chuckle)

Oh, I'm so glad I was able to help you with your big comeback.

More than you will ever know.

As my sister was returning to form, I turned to the greatest athlete I knew.

My brother.

Barry, my handsome and powerful brother, I need your help.

Normally I'd punch you and walk away, but I gotta say... I'm intrigued.

I joined the tennis team, and I need a doubles partner.

Becoming bored!

And I need your incredible gifts.

Listening again.

Since you dominated all sports, I was wondering if you'd help me seek revenge on my best friend on the tennis court.

Well, you're in luck 'cause I know everything there is about tennis because of the coolest player on the planet.

He was talking about an '80s neon-clad tennis god who dominated the court with monster serves and style.

Behold Andre Agassi! The greatest player in the world.

You know why?

Skill?

Partly.

But the other part?

A deadly combination of splash, flash, and mullet!

A mullet can do that?

A mullet doesn't have a boss!

It takes no orders!

It's above the law! Like Steven Seagal!

But Seagal has a ponytail.

Which is just a fancy mullet tied with a rubber band.

Why aren't you writing any of this down?

I really don't want to put this to paper.

I just want you to teach me some tennis.

As I will.I 'm basically Andre Agassi's twin.

I even got the hair.

You definitely don't have the hair.

Don't I?

Was that just lying around?

Lainey likes when I wear it sometimes.

Don't... Don't ask.

Wasn't going to.

To the backyard!

Where I will hit balls at you as you run for your life.

Move, move!

You stole my credit card to pay for a party?!

No idea what you're talking about.

Uh, hello?

"Erica Goldberg's Valentine's Day Disco is Dead Party"!

Your name is right there.

Oh, that's the other Erica Goldberg in school.

I'm Erica F. Goldberg.

No, that's Adam's stupid thing!

And nobody cares about his dumb feud with the other Adam, anyway.

Mom, I swear. Look me in the eyes.

I would never lie to you.

There's the girl of the hour.I 'm RSVP-ing plus eight.

I'm bringing my stepbrother.

We just got him back from this cult.

He's so weird and cool.

Bro, everyone's welcome at my party.

I am so angry you don't trust me.

Okay, there is no world in which I am going to allow you to mock disco and throw an underage booze party.

Hey, you wanted the old Erica back, the one who would fight you and sneak out and steal your credit card.

Okay, yes, those were my words exactly.

But I was wrong.

Well, it's too late now.

I'm back, and there's no stopping me.

Credit card's canceled.

What? No way! Run it again!

Believe me, nobody wants this more than me.

You actually gave me hope that disco was coming back.

But we both know it's not.

Please, don't send me back to rock bottom.

I posted flyers everywhere!

Every kid from my high school will be here tonight.

High school?

I mean my dental office in a big adult building downtown?

Get out.

Here I go.

(Sighs)

All right, everybody, I want you to join me in welcoming another Goldberg to the team.

We're all very excited to have you here and also wondering what the hell you're wearing.

The style of champions.

As my first order of business, I challenge Kremp and Kim for top seed doubles!

(Laughing) What?

You heard Big Tasty.

Prepare to get Agassi'd, sucker.

Sha-blammy! Coming in hot!

Finally got some action around here.

You know it, Coach. Time for me to rock 'n' roll.

♪ Never surrender ♪

In that moment, my brother became Agassi.

He had the moves, the attitude, (Chuckling) the neon shorts.

He didn't just own that wig.

He owned the court.

♪ Never say die ♪

The only thing he didn't have was the actual ability.

Question. Do we get extra points for hitting the ball over the administration building?

No, you do not.

Dude, you promised we would win.

The Nike commercials lied!

Tennis is surprisingly difficult! I'll do better.

Service!

Ow! God!

My best friend had officially betrayed me, and I was determined to beat him at his own game.

Unfortunately, my brother sucked real bad.

Ow! It's like the sixth time you've done that!

It's like the more I play, the worse I get.

Coach, do we really have to do this?

Hey, this is Chad's fault!

I only joined tennis 'cause he completely bailed on me.

Forgive me for not wanting to hang out with you on a Saturday night making cheesy videos.

Fine.

Chadam Productions is hereby dissolved!

We are no longer the Lennon/McCartney of home movies!

Only you care about that!

I'm going into the family florist business like a normal person!

But we always said we'd go to NYU film school together.

I... Didn't tell you about that 'cause I knew you'd just freak out.

And I was right.

Just serve and lose already.

Out! Point, Kremp-Kim!

Out?!

You got to be frickin' kidding me. It was in by a mile!

Gah!

Ha! Nice one, McEnroe.

Just for that awesome burst of passion, I'm giving you the point.

What? That's not a reason to change your mind!

Oh, it is.

That's the kind of competitive spirit we need on this team!

Dude, Forget Agassi. Coach loves McEnroe.

Think you can keep spazzing out in an embarrassing way?

I do believe that's in my wheelhouse.

That is the worst call in the history of tennis, jerk!

Do better!

Let me explain how this works (bleep)...

In. Out. In. Out.

Everyone knows in the stadium that it's in, and you call it out?!

Turns out, Barry wasn't the famous cool tennis star.

He was the angry, yelly one.

And it got to Chad.

Gah!

Whoo!

♪ That don't shake you ♪

This is insane! I can't play this way!

Show some class, Kremp! That's a point for the Goldbergs!

You want McEnroe?

Fine, I'll show you McEnroe!

♪ Never surrender ♪

(Whistle blows)

Dude! Are you crazy?!

That's it!

Throwing racquets at people is where I draw the line!

You're benched, Kremp! Keep it up, and you're off the team!

Thanks a lot. Some friend you are.

(Music playing)

Knock knock.

Mama brought you some feel-better snacks.

Oh, looks like you're already going to town on a pan of...

What is that?

I poured a whole bottle of ranch on some noodles.

Look... I want you to be happy, but you understand why I had to pull the plug on your party?

Old me would've gotten away with it.

Guess I'm just not the girl that I used to be.

You are. You almost threw the coolest party of the year at an abandoned disco.

Disco's dead.

Even I can't bring it back.

Well, what if a certain substitute teacher misplaced a set of keys to the school...

("Dancing Queen" plays)

... so you could throw your own disco inferno?

You would do that for me?

Oopsie doopsie. (Keys jingle)

It turns out a mothervention knows no limits.

Anything for you. Within reason.

This falls in a very gray area.

♪ Ooh-ooh, you can dance, you can jive ♪

Sure, breaking into school was highly questionable, but it was also legendary.

Thanks to our mom, the old Erica that everyone loved was back for good.

JTP!

For just one night, so was disco.

Disco is alive!

♪ Diggin' the dancing queen ♪

Well, you really did it. You brought disco back.

Killer party, Erica.

My favorite part is how illegal it is.

Nice to see you're feeling better.

Now, stay away from my man.

Turns out not having the Valentine she actually wanted...

Made my sister's Valentine's Day one she'd never forget.

Oh, my Lord!

The students have started a spontaneous dance party without written permission.

We have to put a stop to this.

Not if it's supervised by a teacher who's also showing them some funky dance moves.

You know what? You're right. Make a hole, kids.

I got a case of Saturday night fever.

♪ Night is young and the music's high ♪

No, I was talking about me!

Poop.

That's the thing about growing up.

Sometimes you need to hit rock bottom to be able to dance your way back to the top.

But like any journey, the adventure is a lot easier when you're not travelling alone.

♪ You are the dancing queen ♪

Chad, the weird boy from across the street is here to see you...

The little one, not the one who punched the horse.

Tell him I'm not home.

Tell him yourself.

Hey, I know we're not friends anymore, so I thought you'd want some of your stuff back.

Here's your Cobra Rattler and your Samantha Fox cassingle.

So, is that all?

Yeah.

(Music playing)

Damn it, no! I wanted to see you.

I, like, miss you and stuff!

Then why were you acting so crazy?

We had this big plan since we were kids.

I... I just hate that we grew up and everything changed.

Doesn't mean we can't still be Chadam anymore.

But we're not. You're gonna do flowers.

There is no Chadam.

(Chuckling) Dude, we'll always be Chadam.

Even if you're in Hollywood and I'm running a flower empire.

♪ You are the Dancing Queen, young and sweet, only 17 ♪

So... now what?

Maybe... we make a movie?

I can't. I have tennis.

(Both laugh)

Take one, Chadam Productions.

Take one, Chadam Productions.

People go around buying Corn Flakes because it's cheaper, but now they buy... (Laughs)

(Beeps, clapboard clacks)

Well, there is a great offer now...

(Laughs)

(Music playing)

Corn Flakes, which we call the original and the best.

(Ding!)

Tennis, y'all! The bad boy sport of kings.

Time for you to face my fury.

♪ Never surrender ♪

(Music playing)

♪ Never surrender ♪

(Clicks, music stops)

No more music!

Serve the damn ball.

Yeah, dude, it has been a while.

We should probably play.