07x01 - Vacation

[bunniefuu]

Back in The 80's, National Anthem Vacation was the best road-trip comedy ever.

Yep, the Griswold family tore across America, and no one loved it more than my mom.

Yes! This movie has everything I love and deserve! So pack your bags so I can unpack them and then repack them again properly because the Goldbergs are going on vacation! I don't know, Mom.

That family's trip seemed super stressful and difficult.

And they like each other.

But we have one week left before Barry and Erica jet off to college.

It's 10 minutes away.

On nice days, I might walk.

And Adam's starting life as a high-school upperclassman.

Now when the juniors throw food at me [SNIFFS]

They'll be my peers.

- Such a dork.

- You shame us daily.

So we're gonna take one last unforgettable family vacation before everybody starts the next big chapter in their lives! What do you say?

We love you, but pass.

You're gonna pass on a trip to Disneyland?

- Oh, balls! - I love you now! Ah, that's right! Embrace your mama! Star Wars just opened a ride there! It's called "Star Tours"! You get to travel to the forest moon of Endor! Well, I "Endor" you.

Boop! Even you can't ruin this.

Star Wars teaming up with Disney is just so big! Sure, I wish they'd dedicate a whole land to Star Wars, but that's just a little boy's dream! [LAUGHS]

Barry?

Wanna give mama a huggy 'cause she's the best in the game?

I'm not going to Disneyland! I'm a grown adult man who will be starting a fully accredited university in a week.

But you love that Snow White.

You've had a crush on her since you could talk.

Which was late for your age.

But still.

Sure, Ms.

White has pretty hair and she's patient with those dwarves in a way you know you'd just vibe with her, but not at all! Who cares! I can't believe we're flying to California! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! That won't give me enough time squished together with my squishies.

[CHUCKLES]

We're driving! To the airport and then we're flying?

When will I learn not to hug until I hear all of the details?

It'll be just like the Griswolds.

We're gonna see America! This America?

I've seen it.

It's all corn.

Look, I just finished following the Grateful Dead in a van with Geoff.

- I'm not going back out there.

- Me neither! If you don't, I won't pay for college.

Yay, everyone's in! What's all the noise?

I can barely hear myself eat my creme cookies.

We're driving to Disneyland! I get the feeling I don't have a say in this.

Hmm, I get that feeling, too! Yay! Why did I come in here?

And I got a Polaroid so I can take a photo diary of our trip! Come on, squeeze together.

I don't want to be near your dad.

He smells like coffee and onions.

Squeeze in.

You ain't exactly cinnamon and sugar, sweetheart.

I don't know where my body ends and Adam's begins.

This trip is already the worst thing that's ever happened to me! Just take the damn picture! It was the last week of summer, 1980-something, and the Goldbergs were about to hit the road.

Of course that meant my dad was excited about one thing, saving money.

Lose the bathrobe.

It's a traditional Jedi cloak revered the galaxy over.

Well, I'd revere a t*nk top if I were you, because I'm not using the air conditioning.

You're not cheaping out on this trip, Murray.

We have to make it perfect so that no matter how old they get or where they are in the world, they'll want to do this for years to come.

An annual trip?

I was just sitting, enjoying my cookies.

Now our financial future is in doubt?

Good news, everyone! I'm bringing my banjo.

- No.

- Roger that.

Attention, uneducated masses! As you all know, I'll be attending college in a week, so I need to be in tip-top shape Mind and body.

Is that why you're holding your mom's titanium leg pretzel?

This thigh-blasting machine is my ticket to physical dominance.

Just do your dumb thing in the car.

Where's your sister?

We got to get going.

Saying goodbye to her boyfriend.

You really don't want to come and be jammed in a station wagon with my family for a week?

And I answered my own question.

Look, I'll be on the road, too.

The Dead have four more concerts left this summer.

I'm hoping by the last one, I finally like them.

[HORN HONKS]

Erica! Let's go! [ENGINE STARTS]

Um One more thing, we need to talk.

Oh?

What is it?

[HORN HONKS]

Erica! Gas is burning! You know what?

It's nothing.

It It can wait until after your trip.

I don't want to spoil it.

[HONKING CONTINUES]

I better get moving, too.

B-bye! Erica! [TIRES SCREECH]

We're doing it! The Goldbergs are going on vacation! I found out long ago [SONG SLOWS, STOPS]

[CHUCKLES]

We couldn't even leave! But eventually we did.

And once we hit the highway, it was smooth sailing.

Of course, there were some bumps inside the car.

Gah! You keep smashing into me! Stop it! No can do, Ad-Rock.

And be warned, as my muscles grow, expand, and explode outward, I'll need more space.

Why do I always have to sit in the middle?

'Cause windows are for college men, not high school losers! Yeah, you keep calling yourself a college man, but come next week, you're in for a rude awakening.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means you might be in college, but you're just gonna be a lowly freshman, totally starting from scratch socially.

Have you not seen the work I've been doing on my thighs?

College is gonna love me.

Or the safety of the only world you've known will have vanished, and you'll discover that there's no place for an emotionally out-of-control doof with a thigh device.

What?

I am not an emotionally out-of-control doof! You are! Adam, quit working your brother up.

He's gonna strain his groin.

Erica, switch seats with me, please.

Hey, if a guy says he needs to talk, is that bad?

Ooh.

Is that a good "ooh"?

Uh.

Is that a good "uh"?

You and Geoff are toast! And not good toast with tons of marmalade and butter.

Bad toast that's burnt and breaking up with you.

He's not breaking up with me! He just got real serious, and then said he didn't want to ruin my vacation by telling me something and sped off and Oh, my God, Geoff's breaking up with me! You should call him.

How?

He's on the road, too! I guess you just won't know for a week.

But hey, look on the bright side Star Wars.

Yeah, that sounds fun and so much more important than my relationship! You know what's fun?

A sing-along! [ERICA GROANS]

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, come on! I'll start us all off.

Row, row, row your boat Gently down the stream Jump in! Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily Life is but a dream Anyone now! Row, row, row your boat Gently down the stream There's your cue! Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily Life is but a dream Make it yours.

Row, row, row your boat Gently down the stream Just the girls! Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily Life is but a dre-e-e-am [LAUGHS]

That was great! Yep, our vacation was off to a slow start.

But somewhere along the open road, things were about to kick into high gear.

What the hell is this nut job doing?

Hey! Go around! I think she's flirting with you, Murray.

Whoa, it's just like in the movie! But when you see it in real life, it just comes off as wildly reckless! You're being very aggressive! He's spoken for! Show her your wedding ring! I think she's eyeballing me.

Move your melon, Murray, so I can enchant her with a coy wink.

This can't be real.

Oh, it's real, all right.

My fruit guy's nephew was seduced by a road hussy and he woke up in a bathtub missing his kidney, spleen, corneas, and rectum.

There are road hussies?

Geoff's on the road! And single.

We don't know that! [ENGINE REVS]

As Pops' blonde beauty sped away, we headed towards our first pit stop, the Old West.

See, back in 1980-something, it was 1880-something.

Would you look at this place?

It's like stepping back in time! The hotel room prices are certainly up-to-date.

Howdy, folks.

Welcome to Durango Gulch, population 237.

Oops.

Looks like 236.

Funny stuff, Quick Draw McGraw.

But, um, where's the pay phones?

It's the 19th century, ma'am.

I don't reckon to know what hifalutin contraption you're speaking about.

Okay, so you're just gonna keep doing the thing?

Great.

I'll be in the saloon.

[GRUNTING]

Ooh, looks like we got a real cowboy here.

You just step off the trail, pardner?

I'm walking like this because I blasted my thighs with unbridled intensity for 300 miles.

How would you two little wranglers like to be my deputies?

[BADGE CLATTERS]

"Little wrangler"?

I'm a man who could grow twice the mustache you have except then you'd be humiliated, and I'd become sheriff, and I don't want that responsibility.

Ohh Ow, ow.

Ohh.

Not cool, man! Not cool! Yeah, I don't think he totally gets what this place is.

There's no way he's breaking up with me.

I mean, look at me.

I'm a catch.

I guess I am a little bossy, but what man doesn't like that?

Damn it! He's so leaving me! Love isn't real! Neither is your ID.

Oh, sure, you don't have phones, but you check my fake driver's license?

Pick a century! Yo, wanna go ride a dead-eyed mule in a circle?

It's super sad! No! I'm not going on some dumb kid's ride.

Just leave me alone.

Are you really still upset that I accurately suggested you're not ready for the next major step in your life?

Please, your devastating words had no effect on me.

I know I'm a man! [ALL WHOOPING]

Oh, no! Bandits have surrounded the stagecoach! And I'm gonna prove it! Is there one man brave enough to stop these banditos with this here lasso?

I am that one man, Fake Sheriff.

You know your way around a rope, son?

Of course I know ropes.

I've played tug-of-w*r and the board game Clue But we lost that piece, so we use an old checker.

Now just swing this thing in a slow circular pattern.

Yah! Yah! Yah! Yah! Yah! [GLASS SHATTERS]

Is that one of those cheap plate-glass windows that cowboys are always crashing through?

It is not.

MURRAY: Morons! I mean, who gets kicked out of an imaginary Western town?

Those rooms were non-refundable! Well, this is just perfect.

Where are we supposed to stay tonight?

Don't you worry about me.

Hey, Al.

Ready to go?

You know it, sweetie.

I'm gonna miss you guys.

You know, you're welcome to stay.

I'm being polite.

Punch it! [TIRES SQUEAL]

Okay.

We're still together mostly.

Don't worry, I've already thought of a cheap, available place for us to sleep.

That night, our hotel didn't have four stars.

It had four wheels.

Stop fluffing me, I'm not a pillow! Then get softer! Will you two dopes shut up?

My God, this trip sucks.

At least it's the last one we'll ever take together.

Until Mom forces us to do this all again next year.

Dummy, we're going off to college.

We're not doing this again.

Ever.

Yeah, we're not just moving out.

We're moving on for good.

In that moment, I realized our family was truly going their separate ways.

No more crazy adventures with my brother or sister.

And no more middle seat.

I'm okay with it.

But there was one person who would never be okay with it.

Our family vacation was still on truck for Disneyland, but my mom's mind was on a different path.

Murray, the kids aren't gonna go away to college - and never come back, right?

- I dunno.

Sure they're growing up, but they love us - and want to stay in our lives forever! - I dunno.

My children will spend every summer with me until the day I die! [MUMBLES]

And even then, they're gonna carry my urn on every vacation they ever take.

- Of course! - Well, you're finally agreeing with me?

Of course they're screwing me at the pump! $9 to fill up a t*nk?

Our babies are choosing to de-latch from our collective bosom and all you care about is gas mileage! What do you want from me?

I don't know what those morons are gonna do.

But I do know they're here now, so let's, uh, drive around or, uh, whatever.

That's right! They're with us now! So if we make this trip extra special, they're gonna want to come back for more! [GASPS]

Yeah, I dunno.

As my mom was trying to keep her family together, my sister was trying to keep her relationship from falling apart.

Hey, Geoff, it's Erica.

Just checking in to see what you meant by, "We need to talk.

" Probably just wanted to say how we have no problems and we're a perfect couple.

Okay, well, have fun on the road, bye! Unfortunately, she couldn't leave just one message.

Here's what "We need to talk" means to me.

It means we have a problem.

So is Is it me?

You're the problem, Geoff! Maybe I don't want you! Come back to me, my widdle Geoffy-weffy.

You're a butt! And not just the tiny part of the butt, but the whole mound.

The cheeks, the smelly region, all of it.

Okey-doke.

I think I got it.

Thanks, Dr.

Schwartz.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Geoffrey called and passed on a message of his own.

What did he say?

He said he needs to tell you in person, but it's big and possibly upsetting.

That doesn't help at all.

It just makes everything worse! Sure thing, honey.

Bye now.

Why didn't you get a slushie?

They had your favorite Blue.

Real men don't drink that delicious crap.

They drink boiling-hot coffee.

But you hate coffee.

That was Yesterday Barry.

But now my taste buds and skittish tummy have matured.

How could you put this in your body?

Ugh! I love it.

Okay, Bar, clearly I freaked you out about starting college I'm not freaked out! If anything, I'm freaked in! - That doesn't mean anything.

- You don't mean anything! You're a tiny boy who doesn't know the struggles of a fully grown college gentleman! [GULPING]

Hot! Hot! This is hard to watch.

But the good news is we'll be in Anaheim in two days.

Change of plans! I've got a surefire way to make sure everybody loves this vacation Make it way longer! Oh, balls.

We are gonna hit every major attraction from here to California.

But that'll take forever.

What about my "Star Tours" ride?

Schmoopie, it's about the journey, not the destination.

Ha! You have to appreciate the journey! Ah, see?

Barry's excited! Who else?

Might as well, my relationship is probably over.

See?

Another one of my babies didn't say no! Murray?

I don't care what we do, as long as it's free.

Ah! See?

Everyone's in and happy and we're making memories, and this is gonna be the best Goldbergs vacation ever! [LAUGHS]

Say, "Cheese"! And so we saw America.

In all its weird and magnificent glory.

There were sculptures made of cars, mountains made of faces, one big hole.

But what took our breath away the most was the crappy motel our dad insisted staying at.

This is the kind of motel where people live full-time.

Uh, it's gross.

It's cozy.

There's police tape around the pool.

That shows the police have already been here.

So it's safe.

Look! They got one of those Magic Fingers bed massagers.

No! Nobody touch anything until I hit it with some Lysol Pine action.

I'm turning it on! My thighs and tummy muscles are still sore! [SIGHS]

Let's soothe my aching bones! [BED VIBRATING]

[VIBRATING INTENSIFIES]

Lemme turn it down.

Damn it, moron! They don't have any more rooms! What do you do with these things?

I've got a super fun idea that solves everything! Who can sleep like this?

Yeah, we barely slept a wink that night.

And we were so exhausted the next morning, everyone passed out in the car.

And I mean everyone.

[ALL SCREAMING]

[BREATHING SHALLOWLY]

Do you think this will affect our time at Disneyland?

Barry, this is all your fault! You and your stupid bed massager.

I know! I'm not a man! I'm starting college, but the truth is I still feel like a boy.

Like sad, pathetic little Adam here.

Hey! Will you shut up?

I mean, look at this! Now I'll never get to a phone and learn the truth that I definitely don't wanna know! My God! You're both just selfish jerks! You know, I actually thought I was gonna miss you next year, but good riddance! Stop! Tell me the truth Are you all gonna head out the door for college and never look back?

I see.

[SIGHS]

Every one of these pictures breaks my heart.

You all look sad or angry or miserable.

And that is not what I wanted.

Bevy No! Let's just go home and be done with it.

I can't take another day of family vacation if this is the last one I'm ever gonna have.

Our car and our Mom were broken, and all we wanted was to go home.

I thought we had more suitcases than this.

We did.

At least this horrible trip is over.

But it wasn't.

Not for my dad.

He was about to head down a road we never expected.

You know what I think?

I think you're all [BLEEP]

in the head.

- Whoa! - Motel language! You're just gonna give up?

- Yeah.

- Kinda.

Do we have a choice?

Your mom worked her ass off to plan you a great vacation, and I didn't know why.

But, damn it, I do now.

Murray, what are you saying?

I'm not sure about the future, but right here, right now, there's no amount of money I wouldn't spend for my family to have a great vacation.

Dad's suddenly thoughtful! He must've banged his head in the accident! Are you serious?

To keep this family together, I would spend every last penny.

[CAR HORN HONKS]

Hey, Goldbergs, need a lift?

Thank God! Everybody get in! Come on! Geoff! How did you find us?

Well, you left my dad a lot of very upsetting messages, so I drove here as fast as I could.

I followed your suitcases like bread crumbs! So, what did you want to talk to me about?

Well I had such an amazing time doing nothing this summer, that I want it to continue.

I'm not going to school in the fall.

Oh, my God! That's it?

Well, yeah.

I mean, it's a pretty big deal.

My dad's not thrilled.

And your messages didn't exactly fill him with hope for my future.

You jerk! I thought you were breaking up with me! What?

Never.

You're the greatest thing that ever happened to me.

I never doubted it.

Turns out some trips are about finding your way, and not losing track of where you're headed.

- Hey, Bar.

About what I said.

- No, you were right.

I'm not ready for college.

Of course you are.

You're Big Tasty.

You att*ck everything you do with the full force of your being.

Trust me, college is gonna be a piece of cake for you.

You really think so?

I know so.

Thanks, Ad-Rock.

Venturing out can be scary, but it's easier to take that trek when you're riding with the people you love.

Family vacations are hard.

They're stressful and expensive, and uncomfortable.

But the thing that makes them great are the memories of doing it all together.

We're really here.

Thank you, Mama.

Anything for you, schmoo.

Maybe next year we can go to Walt Disney World.

That sounds pretty cool.

Yeah, I guess I'd try it.

Wait You guys would wanna do this again?

I'm open to it.

[GASPS]

Ah! My schmoopies will be with me forever! [CAR HORN HONKS]

[PARKING BRAKE CLICKS]

Are we too late?

- We got lost.

- Intentionally.

Just in time, Pops! We're running for it! [CHARIOTS OF FIRE PLAYS]

Oh, sorry, park's closed.

What?

Oh, no! Someone do something! I'm here! [LAUGHS]

Don't worry, schmoo.

Mama's got this.

In that moment, Beverly Goldberg did what she did best She lied her ass off.

She told elaborate, far-fetched tales of our journey.

Apparently, we were att*cked by bald eagles and a motorcycle g*ng?

There was a tornado, and then a tsunami.

And then another tornado.

She wove a tapestry of lies so intricate, so beautiful, by the end, none of us knew what was real.

and that is when little Adam had to help his grandpa by sucking out the venom.

Wow, you guys have been through a whole lot as a family.

And you know what?

I had no idea there were zebras in Arizona.

Zebras are the piranhas of the sand.

Well, you know what?

All I meant was the park is closed now.

But it opens in 15 minutes.

[LAUGHS]

Why didn't you say something?

Well, I tried, but you were going on and on and on.

But go on in! Come on, the park's all yours! Rusty, you're the best! [CHUCKLES]

Let's do it, Adam! Let's go ride "Star Tours"! No, no! I think I know something that would be more fun for the whole family.

We finally made it to the happiest place on Earth.

And as magical as it was, thanks to my mom, I realized the best part of the Goldberg vacation was the journey.

To this day, we still travel as a family.

Of course, it never gets easier, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

Holiday ro-o-o-o-o-o-o-ad Holiday ro-o-o-o-o-o-o-ad Wakey, Wakey.

Get out.

I was just dreaming on scoring a touchdown for the Eagles! But I brought you breakfast.

Well, finally! I've been trying to take my meals in my room for years.

Give me! This is awhole lot of liquids.

Oh, No! Adam, stop! I shouldn't have stold it from the hotel! Yeah, I'm gonna miss you!