07x02 - Dana's Back

Growing up in the 80s, my mom loved her kids more than anything, which made every goodbye utter agony.

So, dropping my big bro and sis off at college was bound to be a tsunami of sadness.

My dad, on the other hand Okay, morons, out ya go.

They're not morons.

They're our baby birds leaving the nest, [VOICE BREAKING]

and they are very upset about it.

My four-year bender of unsupervised partying starts now!

Dad, you're not even stopping the car!

I'm basically stopped!

Come on!

Go, go, go!

This feels very unsafe.

For God's sake, Murray, stop the car.

There's nowhere to stop!

The man in the orange "welcome" vest is guiding you to a spot!

- Damn it, Murray, now!

- Fine!


Okay, you got 20 seconds.

That's 10 per kid.

I know how many children we have.


Where do you think you're going?

- To say goodbye to the love of my life.

- Uh-uh.

I'm sorry, Mr.

G, but it is time for me to stand up to you and prove that I've finally become a man.


Oh, no!

He kid-locked me in!

Okay, I've prepared a lengthy and emotionally explosive speech.

Mom, if you make a scene, I will never come home again.


So, keep it together, lady.

Not a single tear.

Children, fruit of my loins, like the spongy umbilical cord that once bound our bodies together.

Whatever she's saying, me, too!

Erica, I wish you the best.

Too long.

Barry, I bid you adieu, mon ami.

A Billy Idol Mony Mony to you, too.

Might I impose upon each of you for a small kiss?


No kisses!

Get back in the car!

All right, Murray, you animal!



She actually kept it all together.

I'm pleasantly shocked.


Oh, no.

I knew she couldn't fight her excessive love!

She's garbage!

Erica, you forgot your Caboodle!

Just toss it out.

- Oh, no!

- Hey, Schwartz, head in.


Dad, you'll hurt him!

Window's going up!

I'll miss you so much!


This is not the goodbye I imagined!

I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was the first day of school, 1980-something.

Barry and Erica were gone, and I was an upperclassman.

Finally, it was my time to shine.




You just got owned by those recently oiled doors.

Welcome to freshman year, Goldnerd.

Yeah, I'm not a freshman, Johnny.

Probably just seems that way because you're a third-year senior.


What was that for?

Johnny doesn't like to take inventory of his life's missteps.

I thought we became friends last year.

New year.

Everything resets, turd farmer.


Okay, rough start, but things were looking up.

My ex, Jackie, was off to college, and I couldn't wait to catch up with my crew.

Big Dave Kim!

How was your summer?

His summer was uneventful, and he's talking to me right now.

Oh, wow.

You guys are still, uh I can't explain it, either.

Carla, I thought you graduated?

She did.

Now she works at Wingin' It.

Dave Kim's lady brings home the bacon and the chicken.

The bacon is money, but the chicken is chicken.

Adam, I think you know Brian McMahon?

You and Shy Bri?

- 'Sup?

- That's his catch phrase.


Seems like it's pretty much his only phrase.

Anyway, maybe we can all hang out after school?

Sorry, bro, we got group couples' plans.

Oh, balls!

Everyone's in the throes of love except for me?

- Uh-huh.

- Okay, settle down, Shy Bri!

Well, we should go.

We're all gonna walk to class together as one even-numbered group.

He seems disappointed, as if this was the opposite of how he expected his day to go.


Recently-graduatedbut-somehow allowed-on-campus Carla was right.

10 minutes in, and this year was already sucking hard.

All right, listen up, people!

Unless you also had a cat with a prolapsed anus that requires a special salve applied directly to the area, I promise you had a better summer than I.

So, in the spirit of taking it out on you Pop quiz!

Just when it looked like the day couldn't get any worse, something crazy happened.


In walked Dana Caldwell.

I couldn't believe it.

The girl next door was back My first crush, the first girl I climbed a trellis for, and of course, first kiss.

Hi, Adam.

Dana, You're Here?

My grandma passed away.

There was nothing keeping us in Seattle, so Well, I guess your loss is my gain.

But also Sorry for your loss.

Hey, New Girl!

They don't have first-day pop quizzes wherever the freak you come from?

Sit down, shut up, and start guessing.

As I couldn't believe Dana was back, Barry couldn't believe his new roommate luck.



Do I spy a food-stained Flyers shirt similar to my own?

- Yep.

- Barry Goldberg.

Friends call me Big Tasty.

Gary Silverberg, AKA G-Licious.

We seem well-matched, but tell me, do you know karate?


I'll take that as a destructive yes.

And I, uh, see you have turntables, too?

Yep, but I am still looking for an MC to spit some fiery rhymes.

My guy, I spit fiery rhymes 24/7.


My name is Barry [BEATBOXES]

Your name is Gary We're like the same person It's kinda scary Dope, Big Tasty.

Uh, I think this is my room?

Who the hell are you?

Name's Larry, but most people call me Flavor Overdrive.

Well, bad news, Overdrive, I already picked this room.

Picked it?

They were assigned.

My form says 112.

That's what mine says, too.


I don't have a f Oh, no!

How dare you shatter my wildly self-destructive college dreams by not sending in my housing check?

Uh, no, my volatile love monkey.

I definitely sent it in.

Well, guess who doesn't have housing.

Thanks a lot, Mom.

Is here okay for all your unwieldy things, my love?

- Upstairs in my room.

- On it, sweetie.

Why do I still see morons?

'Cause your unstable wife didn't send in our checks for student housing - so she can keep us at home.

- But I swear I sent them in.

Then why is Flavor Overdrive spittin' fresh flows and hi-ya-ing boards with G-Licious and not me?

I recognize none of those words.

He's freaking out, but I'm not.

Now that I have a second chance at college, I will not let you ruin this year for me.

I'll be upstairs studying.

Do not expect that measured, mature reaction from me.

But I didn't do what you're saying.

Unless Oh, God.

Is my mom brain so strong, I did it subconsciously?

Is that even possible?

I'd say probable.

I just saw a 20/20 where a lady punched a lion in the face to save her kids.

I'd punch a million jungle cats for my babies.

There you have it.

You did the bad thing.

I say we do a gum ball puzzle.

Come on!

Let's get together and gum ball it up.

Gum balls?

I'm in real trouble over here, and this guy's talking about gum balls?

Mother, you need to fix this now!

I will, Schmoo.

Conscious Momma will clean up Subconscious Momma's mess.

We're both leaving right now.

Mur, I'm not sure you're reading the room with all the puzzle talk.

So, the kids live at home a little longer.

What's the big whoop?

Big whoop?

You've wanted those kids outta here forever.

- I've got a hunch you're up to something.

- Me?

What could I be up to?

I don't know, but I'm gonna solve this puzzle, right after I solve this puzzle.

While Pops was busy putting the pieces together, there was only one piece of info I needed from Dana.

- So, are you single?

- Definitely.



Oh, big time.

Oh, thank God.

I was so worried you were gonna be seeing someone.

- You were?

- Yeah, 'cause then I wouldn't be able to hang out with my one friend that I had here.

- Oh - I mean, it's so weird.

Everyone looks familiar, but I don't really know anyone.

Luckily, I have a friend like you.


I am a friend like me.

Just put it there, pal.

Come on.

We're closer friends than that.


I'll see you after school.



So, when are you gonna lock that down?

You've gotten very aggressive since Carla came into your life.

She likes me sassy, but this is an incredible opportunity for you.

Don't you like her?

Of course I like her, Dave Kim.

But now she's super cool and kind of looks like a flight attendant, and I'm still me.

Plus, she told me she just wants to be friends.


I saw the way she hugged you!

I thought I was watching 9 1/2 Weeks, man.

You've seen the kink noir drama 9 1/2 Weeks?

I'm in a relationship with an adult lady, and that lady is stealing cable from her neighbor.

You know, she did lightly tap my upper back when we hugged.

I know.

It was like Body Heat, which I also watched and enjoyed.

Dana coming back is fate telling me that this year won't be a lonely suck-show.

This is your time, man!

But you gotta get in there quick.

Look, jocks are swooping.


Oh, no!

Those are varsity athletes!

That's the high school equivalent of adult men!

And in the case of Johnny Atkins, an actual adult man!

Yo, Goldnerd, you know that new old girl, Dana Caldwell?

Rumor has it you have shared history.

Yeah, but we're just friends.


Not that I need your approval or respect your feelings, but you should know I'm lasering in on her romantically.

Me, too, bro.

Lasering big time.

Dude, if my relationship with Carla has taught me anything, it's that you've got to be decisive.

So, what do I do?

Ask her to the Aloha Dance.

It's the most important tropical welcome-back-to-school, Hawaiian-themed dance of them all.

As I was wondering if Dave Kim was right, my mom was determined to fix a terrible wrong.

Hi, Dean Dean.

Beverly Goldberg.


Not Dean Dean.

Just a man named Dean who Happens to be a dean.

Dean Dean, these are the housing checks for Barry and Erica Goldberg.

Make sure Barry's room is no further than 30 feet from the bathroom.

He's got a bit of a fussy tummy.

Well, wait, these were due months ago.

Which is when my conscious mind sent them in.

Your conscious mind?

Oh, it's a teeny possibility that my subconscious mind did not send them in.

So, you didn't send them in?

Or it's also a teeny possibility that your conscious mind received the checks, but that your subconscious mind destroyed them.

- Why would it do that?

- I don't know.

Why would a man named Dean seek out a career in deaning?


We can't control our subconscious minds, Dean Dean.

The point is, I forgive you.

- Have a great year.

- Well, wait.

To the extent that I believed or understood anything you said, uh, the dorm rooms are all full now.

So, there's nothing I can do.

This will be the first of many times you say that to me, and the first of many times I won't listen.

There may be something I can do.

It's nacho time.

Wait, you made food?

- For us?

- What's your game, man?

Can't a man make a traditional Mexican snack for his kids?

Oh, no!

Those aren't beans!

What's in my mouth?

I don't know.

I just got a can out of the pantry.

I think those are whole cranberries.


The Mexican people don't work with tart bog fruit!

What did you do?

Just eat around the bog fruit!

Schmoopies, Mama solved your housing crisis.

- Oh!

Thank God.

- Yes!


Dean Dean found some openings with a few freshman whose roommates didn't take to them.


Wait, why didn't their roommates take to them?

Turns out, there wasn't one reason.

There were these two dummies, and this shy fellow, and this delicate lady, and whatever's going on here, and we never got a good look at this guy or gal.

We're screwed, aren't we?

You're screwed.

I have a back-up plan that for sure can't fail.



You got to take me back!

I'll do anything.

- Hyah!

- Hyah!

- Ohh!

- Hyah!


My former flame had returned!

So, to win her heart, I turned to the biggest ladies' man I knew.

Pops, Dana Caldwell's back, and I gotta ask her to the Aloha Dance fast.

But I feel like I need a game plan.


Kiddo, why the urgency?

'Cause meatheads are swooping!

Eh, let 'em swoop.

Just ask her as a friend, then slowly over time, you'll get her back.

You know, my gut was telling me to take it slow.

Your gut is an idiot.

- Gah!

- You need to rush things with Dana.

Rush 'em hard.

Barry, don't do the thing where you contradict my sensible advice.

Okay, Pops is out of his mind.

You must go for it now.

And here we go.

Dana was your first crush.

Do you know how rare it is to get a second chance at love?

Pretty rare?

It's literally never happened before.

Please, just listen to your gut.

But I can't hear it over Barry's loud, yet compelling advice.

I had a similar experience where it was so perfect with someone, but I couldn't make it work.

I regret it to this day.

It wasn't your fault.

Lainey moved away to do music.

No, not Lainey.

I'm talking about Gary.

How am I losing to this guy?

You need to make a giant romantic gesture that reminds her of your lame shared history.

I will, and your passion makes me certain it'll work.

And I'm certain of it, but it needs to be big and over the top.

I'm gonna go get my girlfriend back!

It's a good thing I was here.

While I was excited to win Dana back, my mom was trying hard not to lose her children forever.

Okay, I've got some fantastic news.

Flavor Overdrive died and I can stop living in this well-appointed suburban hellhole?

Even better.

I thought of ways to make this hellhole a lot more tolerable.


Erica, I read and highlighted chapter four of your sociology book.


I was licking my chops to get to that chapter!

I guess I'll go read chapter five.

And, Barry, look at this adorable toga I made for you.

All right, enough!

You ruined my college dreams just to keep us near you, but it's not gonna work.

I refuse to be in the same room as you.


Barry, get back here.


Fine, I'll just go down there.

Oh, then I'll be in here.

Okay, this is ridiculous.

Barry, you cannot avoid me.

But he did.

He went to this room, and then that room, and back to this room, and that room again, and for some reason, back to this room, and here again.

This went on for 12 minutes until, finally I mean it.

You will never again have the experience of being in the same room as me.

What if we're at a family wedding?

I will dance and eat the meal in the men's room.

What about a museum?

Unlikely, since I have no interest in history or art of any kind.

Fallout shelter?

I will train my body to survive a nuclear explosion.

What about my funeral?

I will give a dominant eulogy Oh, thank God.

on a video monitor from an undisclosed location.

While Barry was ending his relationship with my mom, I had the perfect plan to kick-start mine with Dana and overwhelm her with our history.

There were rings and songs and, oddly, a baby and battle gear for a warrior fighting to win back his love.

This feels right.


- Adam?

- Yep.

And former Genesis front man Peter Gabriel.

Damn it.


Okay, imagine In Your Eyes is playing as I present to you Laser tag.

Is that the baby we took care of?

"Hi, Mommy.

I wuv you.


Okay, that's weird.

All of this is weird.

Why is it happening?

Eh You know what?

Hang on.

I'll be right out.

Oh, no.

Stay put.

I come to you via trellis.

This was it.

Just like old times, I'd climb Dana's trellis for an epic romantic gesture.

It was my second chance at love, and I was sure it would be twice as magical.

Dana Caldwell, would you [WOOD CRACKS]




Unfortunately, I didn't realize I was twice as big.


- Are you okay?

- Yeah, I'm okay.

- What's going on?

- I can fix your trellis.

Full disclosure, I can't.

And what's with all this stuff from our past?

I'm reminding you of our shared history, to grease the wheels for asking you to the Aloha Dance.

Are you serious right now?


Not the kind of question to fill a guy with confidence.

I guess I thought we could start going out again.

What do you say?

I say no.

See you later, Adam.

Wait, wait, wait.

- Tell me what's wrong.

- Everything, Adam.

I just left my home and my life and moved back to a place I haven't lived in years.

And the one person I thought was my friend couldn't even be that.

While my second chance at love with Dana came crashing down, my mom was spinning out.

So, my son is gonna melt in a nuclear disaster, and what's worse is, now he refuses to attend my funeral.

Help me, Dean Dean.

As I've been trying to tell you since the museum part, housing became available for your children.

It did?

Yes, and when I called to tell you, your husband said "No, thanks.

" Are you [BLEEP]


with me right now?


It was you.

You're the one that caused this whole mess.

- What?

- That's right.

Per Dean Dean, housing became available, - which your father refused.

- Is that true, Dad?





Are you saying "yes"?


- What?

- Yes.

He's talking so softly, it's imperceptible to human ears.

I must know the truth.

- Maybe.

- Damn it, Murray, you obviously can't say the words, so clearly you did it.



I did it, okay?


You monster!

- Oh, my God!

Well, I hope it was worth it, Murray.

You ruined your kids' college years to save a few bucks.

I didn't do it because I was cheap.

Then why?

Why would you do this?


'Cause I'm gonna miss 'em.


He's doing it again.

I'm gonna miss 'em.

Murray, say the words!


I'm gonna miss 'em, okay?

I spent their whole childhood sitting in that chair watching TV!

And now they're leaving for college and there's nothing I can do!

It's too late!

I made a mess of it with Dana, but I was determined to clean it up.

Ohh, damn it.

Why'd they oil all the doors?

But first, I had to deal with the swooping jocks.

Dana, can I have a word with you?


So you can abuse her trust again?

No, JC Spink as Magnum.

She needed a friend more than anything.

Good recap, Walls as TC, Magnum's helicopter pilot.

- If I could just - It's called listening.

There's a reason God gave us one mouth and two ears.

I get it, Johnny Atkins as the knowy, fussbottom Higgins.

Now, please, can I just talk to her alone?

Bro, do you know what it's like to move back to another city?

Not knowing if you'll find acceptance or not?

Not to mention her grandmother just passed.

Can you imagine, dude?

My grandma's my North Star.

You were the one she thought she could count on.

Thus her intense disappointment.

Okay, I'm glad she shared so much with everyone.

It's fine, you guys.

We'll catch up later.

At least we can be attentive to her needs.


The jocks did a lot of soul searching this summer.


Turns out, they're good friends.


I deserved that.

Well, they're not wrong.

I have a lot going on, and the Adam that I used to know would have understood that.

And I do.



It's not what you think.

It's a friendship ring.

When I gave it to you the first time, we were friends, and I know that's what you need now.

And if you can forgive me, I'll be best friend you could ever ask for.

Over you I can't believe you're gone Well, then, I guess I should forgive you.

You were the first, you'll be the last Wherever you go, I'll be with you I had no idea how you felt about missing the children.


Neither did I.

And then bags started getting packed and posters came off the walls, and it became too real.

To lay your heart and head upon Remember, after the fire [SIGHS]

All you've ever wanted was for the kids to go to college.


I put so much focus on them leaving, I never thought of them not being here.

Oh, Murray.

I just wish I would have spent more time with them.

It's not too late.

What's that for?

I just wanted to say I'm sorry for what I did.

Real beans this time.

Thanks, Dad.

I also talked to the school and got you a room in the dorms.

That's amazing!

Wait, what's the roommate situation?

Well, you each have one, and I think they're both pretty great.

And I'm really gonna miss them.

Wait, are we living with each other?

You think you can make it work?

- We'll make it work.

- Totally.

I'll be with you When it comes to the people you love, whether they're leaving or coming back into your life, they'll always have a special place in your heart, even if it's just as friends.

That's the thing about change.

It can be scary, but it's often the one thing you need to realize how much you really love someone.

And sure, goodbyes are never easy.

It seems like the more you care, the harder it is to let go.

But if we make the moments count, we'll always have something to hold on to.

'Cause in the end, no matter how much distance there is between you or how much time you spend apart, with family, the one thing that never leaves is the love you share.

Dad, how do you feel about Eric and Barry both going away to college?

- I'm very happy.

- Really?

Now if you would only leave, I'd be even happier.

I'm so sad about Eric and Barry leaving.

I can't take it anymore.


Erica Goldberg, I was sent by the shogun to take you out.

Fight me!

I'm not Barry.

I'm someone else.

Come on!

All roommates do this.

You're the weird one.




Okay, I'm only gonna do this once.

Come at me.



You're supposed to warn me!

That's how Houdini died