07x07 - Wrestlemania

ADAM: Back in the '80s, every kid was obsessed with professional wrestling's greatest superstars.

Especially me!

You're gonna feel pain you've never known, Iron Sheik!

Bodyslam!

(GRUNTS)

(CREAKS)

You moron!

You broke the bed!

And The Iron Sheik's spine, so American values are preserved!

Where do you come from?

ADULT ADAM: Yep.

We even made movies about wrestling.

But no one loved it more than Barry.

Listen up, Hulkamaniacs, you better eat your vitamins and say your prayers 'cause these 24-inch pythons are gonna have lots to say about it, brother!

- (GLASS SHATTERS)

- Ow, my toe!

Dammit!

This is why we can't have nice lamps!

- Chad did it!

He's - What?

very aggressive and should know better as a guest in our home!

I do know better, which is why I didn't!

And just throw some lies on top of your trail of destruction, Chad!

- This guy.

- We were just making a wrestling film.

Well, now you're just sitting in my lampless room making nothing.

I'm shutting it down!

Check it out!

Dad's wrestling the camera!

ALL: (CHANTING)

Cam-er-a!

- MURRAY: Where's the button, something?

- Cam-er-a!

- Damn it!

That's it!

- (CAMERA THUDS)

No more wrestling in this house.

No more TV, no more dolls, all holds barred!

What about my monthly wrestling magazine?

Subscription cancelled!

Or the Rock 'n' Wrestling coloring book?

I want your crayons, too!

What about the Wrestling Stars board game?

- You lose!

- Sling-'Em Fling-'Em Wrestling Ring?

Why would anyone want that?

"Macho Man" Randy Savage plush wrestling buddy?

I swear you said that one already.

Wrestling Superstars Thumb Wrestlers?

Did I buy you all these?

"The Honky Tonk Man's" guitar?

Now you're just making these up!

Jesse "The Body" Ventura's boa.

Be careful with that.

It's your sister's.

- Hulk Hogan's glasses.

- I've been looking for those!

Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake's hedge clippers.

Those belong in the garage!

Greg "The Hammer" Valentine, master of the figure four leglock.

Who's naming these guys?

Or "The British Bulldog's" teacups.

- Cheerio.

- Those are for good company!

Or my "Rowdy" Roddy Piper stretch wrestler?

That's actually my Rowdy Roddy Piper stretch wrestler!

No, it's my Rowdy Roddy Piper stretch wrestler!

You lost your Rowdy Roddy Piper stretch wrestler at the zoo!

Damn it!

I said no wrestling!

This isn't wrestling!

This is real fighting!

Now gimme back my Rowdy Roddy Piper stretch wrestler, you (GROANS)

I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day (DOORBELL RINGS)

ADULT ADAM: It was November 6, 1980-something, and trouble was brewing in Jenkintown.

Oh, gosh, Bevy, I'm a wreck.

- Someone broke into my car last night.

- (DOOR CLOSES)

Oh, no!

They put a giant hole in my windshield.

You know, Geoff had the same thing happen to his crappy car last night.

Yeah, someone put a hole in my windshield, too.

And in my sense of well-being.

Two separate vehicle attacks?

(SCOFFS)

There's only one possible explanation.

Something reasonable that ends here?

A massive crime spree has hit Jenkintown, and we have to do something about it.

ADULT ADAM: And so, my mom did just that.

Thank you for coming, everyone.

I've got Officer Puchinski here to give us some tips about how to deal with this crime wave and make sure that nobody gets decapitated.

Decapitated?

It's just a hole in my windshield!

Well, that's how it starts, Geoffrey.

Do you have any enemies?

Well, the sun is no friend of mine.

I freckle up fierce.

We're not talking about your gross skin.

We're talking about someone that might want to separate your head from your shoulders, and do God knows what with it.

Somebody please do something!

Officer, any leads on who might lop off Geoff's head?

Nope.

But I suppose you can start with a neighborhood watch.

You know, pick a captain and walk around the neighborhood.

Well, then it's settled.

(CHUCKLES)

Everyone will sleep safely tonight knowing that Captain Beverly Goldberg - is your champion of peace - JANE: I'll do it.

ADULT ADAM: It was our neighbor, Jane Bales, the one person in town who was even more Beverly Goldberg than Beverly Goldberg.

Oh.

Jane.

How cute.

I think, though, everybody agrees I should be captain because Beverly Goldberg gets things done.

Except the person who really gets things done is Jane Bales.

(LAUGHS)

Well, she gets 'em done without a coaster (CHUCKLING)

apparently.

Let me tell you how Bevy G gets things done.

I'm the kinda lady who will return a bathing suit without a receipt.

Big whoop.

I returned a bathing suit without a receipt - after wearing it for a year.

- (ALL GASP)

I once returned just an elastic waistband to a store I didn't even buy it from because that is what kinda nightmare I am.

I returned a one-piece I didn't even have in my possession to a bank.

Oh, yeah, I am a walking demon on this Earth.

- (ALL GASP)

- Most importantly, what exactly is your plan to keep our neighborhood safe?

I thought we would develop some signals in case there are, uh, cutthroats or marauders on the street, you know, like (CAWING)

Bird noises.

That's Beverly's plan.

Here's mine.

- (ALL GASPING)

- Can you just hold that?

I've listed 10 different ways to keep our neighborhood safe, from posting signs to installing better lights.

- So well researched.

- Beautiful typography.

Elegant, like her.

Oh, shut your holes, you gassy nags!

Wow.

We should probably vote right now.

Or we can postpone the vote until I can bedazzle a poster board myself.

- Yay!

We're doing that.

- No.

I'm not coming back here.

Who wants this lady as captain?

How dare you?

You old toads!

She has good plans, Bevy.

Officer, I'm losing.

Take out your gun and make me captain.

No.

While my mom lost her bid for captain, my brother and I were hoping to win big with our dad.

Father, out of respect for you and "Manimal," - we waited for a commercial.

- Indeed.

But the most important event in human history, WrestleMania IV, is happening, and we humbly seek your help.

This request is merely financial.

And since you know we respect the enraging-yet-reasonable wrestling ban due to broken lamps and Barry's toe, which is healing ahead of schedule It is way not, but such is life.

all we need is the measly pay-per-view fee of $24.

95 to view the aforementioned event in the basement.

To express our desires, we've put together a music dance laser-light extravaganza.

- (UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS)

- WrestleMania IV - WrestleMania, WrestleMania - WrestleMania IV The front row will get wet.

Get that garbage bag away from me.

- Wait, before you say no - Yes.

You cheap old b*st*rd!

I've never liked you!

Wait.

What?

Here you go.

And, uh, throw it on on the TV upstairs so I can watch it, too.

BOTH: Uh And afterwards, the three of us can head to Bookbinder's for some crab, - make a night out of it.

- Dad, respectfully, did you fall off the toilet again?

Yeah, since when do you want to watch wrestling or spend money or be with us?

Since now!

Can't a dad have a little bonding time with his sons?

A dad can, but not our dad.

Just buy the damn wrestling, morons!

- There's our guy!

- That feels right!

Murray, you don't just inject yourself into their lives like it's normal.

What's going on?

Remember that, uh, dermatologist I saw last year?

I knew I'd outlive you.

No.

My skin is perfect.

But the doctor, not so much.

He's dead.

Dr.

Lewenstein?

He was younger than you and very active.

Yeah, well, it didn't matter.

One day, he's camping with his kids, the next day, poof, he's gone.

He always had his shirt off.

- Abs like a xylophone.

- We get it.

The point is, if something like that happened to me, my kids wouldn't even be able to say that we went camping.

Barry hates camping.

He can barely poop indoors.

Camping is just an example.

It could be anything.

Otherwise, what are they gonna say about me?

That you had the decency to keep your shirt on.

And you're Bruce Lee?

Look, you've been saying all year how you want to make some memories with the kids.

Now's your chance.

That's what I'm doing.

I'm throwing away good money to watch something I hate.

That's a memory that'll last forever.

You wanna make it special?

Take them to see it in person.

ADULT ADAM: As our dad considered taking us to WrestleMania, our mom wasn't gonna take being out-voted as neighborhood watch captain.

Thanks for the ride, Mrs.

G.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)

Oh, you're not here to see Erica.

Get comfy.

This is an old-fashioned stakeout.

Here.

I made coffee and hot dogs.

Oh, no, thank you.

Hot dogs kind of jack up my stomach, and also, what's happening right now?

See those idiots over there?

GEOFF: You mean my mom and her friends?

We're gonna make sure those baked potatoes don't compromise the safety of the entire neighborhood.

So, we're like the Neighborhood Watch Watch?

For all we know, one of those shaved bears could be the culprit.

You mean, like, my mom who I love?

Quiet.

Somebody's coming.

Oh, no.

Is it the axe-wielding maniac?

I'll protect you!

Hey, cheggit.

My boyfriend and mom are mashed together in the front seat of a car.

We're on duty, so beat it before you blow our cover!

Yeah, I hate to disturb whatever this is, but, um, what are you doing?

She tricked me into spying on the neighborhood watch with her.

Oh.

Well, here's an idea for a big boy.

Come with me.

Don't you dare open that door, or so help me, you're off the squad.

Oh, no.

Then there wouldn't be a squad.

Erica, get in or get out.

Oh, tough one.

Dammit, they made us!

Beverly?

We rang your bell to come join us.

Oh.

Well, I was busy enjoying a cool afternoon with my daughter's boyfriend.

- Are you okay, Geoffrey?

- No.

Strange, you girls are going East to West.

The light's not as good.

You know, if I were captain Well, you can stop right there.

Because you're not.

Well, I'm going this way.

Who's with me?

Bevy, Jane's the captain.

Well, you've left me no choice.

I am starting my own Neighborhood Watch.

Come on, Geoff!

Sorry, Mama.

I guess I got to go with my girlfriend's mom.

See ya at dinner, I hope.

ADULT ADAM: As our mom was starting her own watch, our dad and Pops were waiting in line for the big event.

This is great, Mur.

Seeing the sweaty muscle men live is way better than watching it on TV.

ADULT ADAM: This was it.

My dad was finally gonna spend his hard-earned money on us kids to make a memory that would last a lifetime.

- - Or not.

Sold out?

This makes no sense.

What are we gonna do?

The only thing we can do, that's go home and never try again.

No, Murray, you can't stop now!

What about a scalper?

(GROANS)

Stop coming up with solutions!

Oh!

Looks like we got a couple wrestling fans right here.

How would you like some primo seats to WrestleMania and/or some heavily discounted, unlicensed merchandise?

Who's "Ander the Gaint"?

The misspelling makes it a collector's item.

Just three of your best seats.

You are in my luck, my friend.

I got three in the third row.

And to see those jacked, glistening bodies that close, it's only gonna set you back 400 bucks.

(GRUNTS)

Just give me the tickets.

Cage-side seats?

This is amazing!

We're gonna have the greatest day of our lives!

- Hell, yeah, we are!

- Wait.

You're going, too?

Yeah.

I wouldn't let you go to Wrestletown without me.

WrestleMania.

- I can't wait to see Hunk Hoggins.

- Hulk Hogan.

And Andy Macho Dan Rather.

Randy "Macho Man" Savage.

All the greats!

Okay, I don't know what Dad's up to, but he's definitely gonna embarrass us in front of those taste-makers and men-about-town who attend professional wrestling events.

What do we do?

He did buy us amazing seats, so there's only one thing to do.

ADULT ADAM: Support our father.

- Ditch him.

- ADULT ADAM: Or that.

It had been one day since our mom decided she was going to compete with Jane Bales' neighborhood watch and form her own.

Welcome to the first meeting of the newer, much better neighborhood watch.

I'm only here to do my laundry.

Roll.

Don't fold.

Now, I've gone over this map, and I have determined that all of the car break-ins in this neighborhood have happened on this block.

Oh, no!

A pattern!

- It's two pushpins, Geoff.

- You see it, too!

Which is why I acquired this state-of-the-art surveillance technology.

That's how the CIA does it.

Next, our cutting-edge cordless communication devices.

Adam's G. I. Joe walkie-talkies?

Mine's shaped like a cobra!

And finally, official jackets.

- - GEOFF: So many unnecessary words!

And yet, not enough to explain how stupid this is.

Oh, it says "Geoff.

" They're never gonna see us coming.

Hey, look, Beverly's coming.

Good afternoon, Jane Bales and her crew of puffy-faced misfits.

Beverly, give it up.

The neighborhood does not need two watches.

I agree.

And I accept your resignation and embarrassing tearful apology.

- Are you okay, Geoffrey?

- I don't know.

- Excuse me a sec.

- (STATIC HISSES)

Erica, go for Chief of Enforcement Bev.

Over?

Mom, I told you I don't want any part of this.

- (STATIC HISSES)

- What's that?

A disturbance.

Over?

- (STATIC HISSES)

- ERICA: Please leave me alone.

- (STATIC HISSES)

- BEVERLY: A 521?

- Copy that.

Over!

- (STATIC HISSES)

You keep saying "over," but then it's not over.

- (STATIC HISSES)

- Chief of Enforcement signing off.

- (STATIC HISSES)

- Well, we must go.

And while you're standing around letting your bodies go to rot, we'll be keeping mayhem off the streets.

- Lock and load, Schwartz!

- Load what?

- Just follow me.

- Okay, then.

- Bye, Mom.

- Take a bag of nuts.

Don't talk to her.

ADULT ADAM: While our mom headed out to find crime, my brother and I were planning to lose our dad at WrestleMania.

Okay, let's go over Operation Ditch Dad - one more time.

- Okay!

When we arrive, we immediately ask Dad to buy us a ton of WrestleMania merch.

And then we head over to this food station and have Dad buy us each a giant 64-ounce Slushie.

Then his bladder will fill, and he'll have to rush to the restroom.

At that point, we go to the other side of the cage and exchange our tickets with some jacked wrestling bros.

Then Dad will return to his seat, see the jacked bros, be enraged and confused, and decide to take a nap in his car.

It's utterly foolproof.

You know, unless our dad actually wants to spend time with us.

We're talking about our dad actually being a dad?

And maybe we should actually enjoy the day as if we were regular kids who know love from a male figure in their lives.

And he won't embarrass us and it'll actually be fun?

Hey, hey, hey!

Let's do this!

- Dad?

- What the hell, man?

I've been watching wrestling.

I love "Ding Dong" Randy.

It's "King Kong" Bundy.

And why are you wearing Erica's old bathing suit?

'Cause it's what a good dad does.

Here, one of you Hulk-a-mannequins hold my keys.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

So we stick with the plan?

We stick with the plan.

And maybe get him a robe on the way out.

As we were hoping to avoid the most embarrassing dad alive, our mom was dead set on proving her value as watch captain.

Please tell me you're here to call a truce.

And that I can have my son back.

Or did you come here to call us beefy jelly-bellies and shame us?

Virginia was closest.

(CHUCKLES)

Here's a detailed list of infractions your watch failed to prevent.

Beverly, just let it go.

BEVERLY: November 8th, teens skateboarding in street with boom boxes blaring.

BevWatch sprays them with garden hose, assures them, "There's more where that came from.

" You're just being petty and jealous.

When it comes to the safety of this neighborhood, there is no length I won't go to.

Stop everything.


I just discovered my car's windshield had a rock tossed through it!

Damn it!

I need to get back out there.

I can't believe I wasted time talking to you haggard pumpkins!

No need.

Because I think you'll discover the person who committed this crime is none other than Beverly Goldberg.

(ALL GASP)

I don't think I like what you're implying, Jane.

And there was a note attached.

- (ALL GASP)

- BEVERLY: Wait.

You all think that I would do this?

- It is something you might say.

- Have said.

- Yeah.

Like a lot.

- In front of our children.

- In that case, um, [BLEEP.] you - (ALL GASP) and your [BLEEP.] frazzled [BLEEP.] faces.

I know that doesn't help my case.

But [BLEEP.] all of you.

ADULT ADAM: As my mom felt set up, my brother and I were ready for a smackdown.

Holy crap!

Dad, these seats are amazing.

And Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant are about to face off in arguably the most famous match in wrestling history, now or ever!

(WHOOPS)

Wrestling with my boys!

Coming off the top rope for a hug!

- (LAUGHING)

Whoa.

- Mm!

That was a fun interaction.

Dad's being super weird and affectionate, and I kinda love it.

He's being the father we've always wanted.

It's really off-putting.

Yo, I think you're in our seats.

Nah, nah, nah, pal.

We're all good.

These are fake.

No, they're not.

(SCOFFS)

Oh, balls!

WhistleMania, a whistling competition.

What?

Whistling?

That's for tea kettles and letting a lady know she's pretty.

- Come on.

Let's go.

- No!

No way!

We're not leaving.

- I'm getting security.

- What is happening?!

Are we getting kicked out of WrestleMania IV?

There's the Hulkster!

Go, Hulk!

Whoo!

- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

- Oh!

It's starting!

And we're gonna miss it all!

And to think, we actually felt guilty about ditching you!

Wait, you were gonna ditch me even though I bought you tickets?

You didn't buy us tickets.

These are fakes.

If you really wanted to spend time with us, you'd know we hate whistling.

Here comes Andre the Giant!

Oh, man, Hulk's gonna crush you, bro!

You wanna know why I did it?

Because I had a health thing, okay?

My doctor scared the hell out of me.

Wait.

What?

Dad, are you okay?

I'm fine.

But it made me realize I'm not gonna be around forever, and I wanted to make some memories with you guys, at least one memory.

Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to come with me.

Well, since you were gonna ditch me, I can assume you'll find a ride home.

Ohh!

That had to hurt!

(MAN LAUGHS)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Our mom had been accused of a crime, she wasn't going to let it stand.

Thank you all for coming and thank you once again to my brother-in-arms, Officer Puchinski.

Well, I assume we're here so you can fess up to cracking my car window.

Oh, I did crack something, Jane.

- I cracked the case.

- (WOMEN GASP)

Yeah.

That's right.

The person who broke the windows was - this guy.

- (ALL GASP)

GEOFF: A pinecone?

And it would've gotten away with it if it weren't for you.

Please.

I mean, this is really who you want leading your neighborhood watch?

Both Ginzy and Geoff parked underneath the giant pine tree out front.

The autumn breeze loosened one of the cones, and Whammo!

- Broken glass.

- That does make sense.

Of course!

Pinecones!

They're nature's rocks!

Rocks are nat Never mind.

Okay, but that doesn't explain who wrote the note with the colorful Bev language, hmm?

As you may not know, I set up Adam's video camera to record our front yard, and (GASPS)

Oh, my!

I think I have it right here.

ADAM: Oh, yeah, Adam is whacking - his, um, opponent, and I - BEVERLY: Nope, not this.

(TAPE FAST-FORWARDING)

Okay.

Here Here we go.

There's Jane's car.

And what have we here?

- There's Jane.

- (ALL GASP)

You vandalized your own car.

Damn right she did, to frame me!

Fine!

It's true!

(LAUGHING)

She admitted it!

Bev wins!

I'm sorry.

I just felt so threatened by you!

You are so smart and cunning, and you were gonna steal the neighborhood watch from me.

I had to do something!

You thought I was gonna steal the watch?

That is the sweetest thing I've ever heard.

- Is it?

- I mean, you are the neighborhood badass.

I just wanted to walk in your shoes for a moment.

You would destroy your own property for power?

(BEVERLY EXHALES SHARPLY)

That is the kind of person I need on my watch.

- Is it?

- What are you saying?

I'm saying, let's join forces and teach each other how to be nightmares together.

I would love that.

(HALL & OATES' PRIVATE EYES PLAYS)

Oh, get over here, you moldy old peaches.

(LAUGHTER)

Aww.

Also, everything about this seems wrong.

Goodbye forever.

ADULT ADAM: While my mom and Jane were coming together, our trip to WrestleMania was falling apart.

I can't believe we're missing the greatest wrestling match in the history of humankind.

And I can't believe Dad just wanted to spend time with us.

It's not just that.

He went to something he hated for us, and instead, we body-slammed his heart.

(CLEARS THROAT)

I couldn't help, but overhear.

- The Hulkster?

- Hulk Hogan?

- Listen, brother.

- He knows we're brothers.

Your dad sounds like a pretty good father, brother.

No, he's our dad.

We're brothers.

I'm your biggest fan, - but you sound like an idiot right now.

- (CHUCKLES)

Look, if your dad wants to make an effort, you should, too.

You've only got one father, brother.

Whoa, he drops fools and knowledge!

I'm on it, Hulk!

Thank you!

Scram!

ADULT ADAM: Yep, thanks to Hulkster, me and Barry knew exactly what we needed to do.

Hey, Dad.

Can we hang with you?

Whatever.

It's a free country.

We just want to let you know, we're sorry we were gonna ditch you.

And even though we didn't see the match, we did see something even better You trying to get into wrestling for us.

But there's one thing we love even more than wrestling You.

So let's do stuff together, no matter how embarrassing.

You know what?

I guess I'd like that.

Private eyes ADULT ADAM: That's the thing about spending time with your family.

Sometimes the smallest change will make the biggest difference.

And sometimes it takes a no-holds-barred grudge match to find out who your friends really are.

We never went to see WrestleMania again, but we started a new tradition.

Every year, we'd sit with our dad and watch it on TV.

And looking back, it was the best.

Because it's those everyday moments you take for granted that truly, truly mean the most.

Body slam!

BOTH: Adam is whacking Um, whacking his, um opponent.

MURRAY: All right, well, let's go.

Turn this off.

You can't turn it off.

You can't turn it off!

Okay, this is a Royal Rumble, no-holds-barred cage match.

You can expect no mercy and several butt hats.

Great.

One thing, I brought backup.

Tag me in, brother.

Hulk Hogan?

Oh, no.

Now go wreck my brother, brother.

The Hulkster obliges, brother.

No!

Self-sleeper hold!

- (BODY THUDS)

- You got a weird brother, brother.