07x08 - Angst-giving

ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s, Thanksgiving meant football, the Macy's Day Parade, and my dad's favorite movie "Planes, Trains and Automobiles.

" Those aren't pillows!

Ooh!

Ooh-hoo!

He thought his buns were his pillows, but they were his buns!

(LAUGHS)

I liked when he was going the wrong way on the highway.

(LAUGHS)

I've done that.

It's like John Hughes made this just for me.

Well, he didn't, Gene Shalit.

So, why don't you pipe down and go help your mom with the giblets?

I will.

But only 'cause I don't know what giblets are, and I like to learn.

ADULT ADAM: My mom was determined to butter up more than just the turkey this year.

Tell me.

How's your dad?

Is the movie working?

Does he seem joyful and full of Thanksgiving cheer?

He did chuckle twice, but those also might have been small burps.

I really need your dad to be in a great mood.

(WHISPERING)

Pop-Pop is coming.

- Pop-Pop?

- Shh!

Your dad can't know!

Yeah, the cursing old guy at the end of the dinner table will be our little secret.

(NORMAL VOICE)

Family takes care of family, but, yes, he's terrible in every way that counts in society.

ADULT ADAM: Yep, my dad's father could be a tad unpleasant.

Whatever this is, I don't want it or need it.

It's me, your grandson.

What the [Bleep.] is this?

I don't drink lady soda.

- How you doing, Ben?

- You think you're better than me?

And that is why you never trust a Polynesian.

Plus, he makes Dad absolutely miserable.

It's gonna be another Angst-giving.

- Angst-giving?

- It's clever wordplay.

I'm super proud of it, even though it's gonna be - a living nightmare for everyone.

- Not this year.

I'm gonna give your dad the best day ever so that when he finally does see Pop-Pop, he won't even mind.

Sure, 'cause people rarely hold onto the memory of the person who hurt them most as a child.

First, I'll let Steve Martin and John Candy work their thin guy/fat guy chemistry, then I'll invite his dingbat friends over.

Don't Bill and Vic have to be with their own miserable families on Thanksgiving?

Lucky for us, Bill is totally alone.

- He has no one.

- That is lucky.

And Vic is Canadian.

And those moose kissers celebrate Thanksgiving in October for hockey or maple syrup reasons.

Yeah, I guess Vic and Bill do calm Dad down, like that blanket you throw on Lucky when it thunders.

And then comes my masterstroke Your dad is gonna watch his beloved Eagles beat the Cowboys.

How are you gonna guarantee the Eagles win?

Easy.

I told him the game starts at 2:00.

They already played, and those bumbling green doofuses somehow won.

So, you recorded it and you're gonna play it back for him.

I admit, it's brilliant.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Except for one small snag.

(GROANS)

Ben?

I know you told me to come over at 4:00, but I have no heat, and you people like to burn money, so here I am.

You brought a little something?

Thank you.

- It's empty.

- It's for leftovers.

I'm on a fixed income.

Oh, where's your can?

I took a hit off the garden hose and my bladder is the size of a cashew.

- There's one upstairs.

- Ooh-la-la.

Second floor.

Oh, look at this one with the fancy head glasses.

They're for seeing.

Also, hello, Granddad.

Dad!

The hell are you doing here?

Came through the back because I got lost wandering through this landed estate which is Murray Acres.

It's just a simple suburban home.

Whatever helps you sleep at night, sellout.

Eh.

Wait, but come here.

Ooh.

Look at this.

I thought you had to be dead to have skin that gray, but turns out you just look like crap.

Anyway, so, kid, here.

Hang this up for me, will ya?

Oh!

I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day ADULT ADAM: It was Thanksgiving Day, 1980-something, and Barry and Erica were ready to be picked up for the short ride home.

(SIGHS)

I'm dying.

I haven't eaten in 17 hours.

I'm gonna regret asking.

Why?

Just like the Pilgrims, I'm starving myself to maximize stomach space for the turkey bounty that lies ahead.

Crack a history book.

If you were in Pilgrim times, you'd die immediately.

Probably of some shoe-buckle mishap.

Or I'd win over the Indians by introducing them to the ultimate weapon Nunchucks.

Boom.

Big Tasty's face on every totem pole.

That honestly might be the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

(CAR HORN HONKS)

What's got four wheels and is your uncle?

This guy.

Well, I spoke too soon.

Wait, why are you here?

I thought Geoff was supposed to pick us up.

New plan.

You guys were on the way, so I told your parents I'd pick you up.

Now, get in the 'Vette and let's ride.

But this isn't a Corvette.

It's a Chev-ette.

Yeah.

It's a Chevy 'Vette.

We're talking the same language here, nephew.

- Now, get in.

- Whoa, Uncle Marvin, you've lost a lot of weight.

Thanks for noticing.

You ever heard of an Egyptian tapeworm?

- God, no.

- Well, consider yourself lucky.

Well, you look good, and I dig that outfit.

Kind of look like Sly Stallone in that movie Cobra.

You mean hero cop Marion "Cobra" Cobretti?

'Cause I have no idea what you're talking about.

All right.

Everybody, strap in.

(ENGINE SPUTTERS)

Come on.

Come on.

Stupid piece of American steel!

He's already pulling a Marvin.

I'm not pulling a Marvin.

- ADULT ADAM: But of course he was.

- Ooh!

See, Uncle Marvin always found a way to screw up the simplest tasks.

Oh, I hate Thanksgiving!

- I hate it so much!

- I'm a healer!

Let me heal you!

I!

Am!

Not!

Irresponsible!

(ENGINE STARTS)

Oh.

Nice.

- (CAR HORN HONKS)

- Hey, guys.

I'm supposed to scoop you.

That's who I was supposed to call.

Man, that's on me.

Sorry, smiley haircut.

Not a worry.

You just pulled a Marvin.

I didn't pull anything.

Maybe we should just ride with Geoff.

No, I can handle a simple drive home, just like I handled my hungry, hungry tapeworm.

Oh, that explains your dramatic and concerning face and body change.

Your face is concerning.

We'll just see you and your parents back at the house.

Your parents are coming?

(LAUGHS)

You're all so screwed.

- (LAUGHS)

- I'm zonked.

You guys must be bushed from however school works.

Why don't you just sit back and relax and close your eyes, and let the purr of my 'Vette sing you to sleep.

Sounds good.

I love to wake up in a new location.

ADULT ADAM: Unfortunately, things went south from there.

And also west.

(YAWNS)

Man I feel so refreshed, like I slept forever.

Oh, please.

I slept ten times better than you.

Uncle Marvin, who's a better sleeper?

Wait, where are we?

This doesn't look familiar.

BARRY: Pittsburgh?

- What the hell, man?

- It's all good.

I just took a teeny, tiny stop to get a farm fresh turkey.

I musta gotten turned around on 76.

For hundreds of miles?

I got too much pride to stop and ask for directions.

That big Pittsburgh sign back there was my first clue.

Dude, this isn't even a turkey.

It's a ham!

That's a turkey, all right.

It's a beautiful, boneless, spiral-cut, honey-glazed turkey.

I don't care what it is!

Tear me off a pig wing so I can stuff it in my mouth!

- Hey!

Hey!

- (TIRES SCREECH)

Whoa!

Not a chance, mister.

That bad pink bird is for dinner.

From now on, "pulling a Marvin" is gonna be about farm fresh turkey and getting children home safely.

We're in Western Pennsylvania with a ham.

You're oh-for-two.

(SCOFFS)

Don't sweat, Boba Fett.

Sign says we're right by the airport.

We'll just ditch the 'Vette, we'll get a flight, everyone will be home safe and sound.

ADULT ADAM: As my brother and sister prepared to fly home, Pop-Pop was already flying off the handle.

Football.

Come on, let's watch the parade.

That leggy Mary Hart's doing the play-by-play.

Never.

It's my Eagles.

Come on.

Sometimes there's a gust of wind and that schmuck holding Snoopy's ropes, he goes airborne, and he lands on some kids.

This is my house.

If it was your house, there'd be no father, and we'd have to raise ourselves.

That's still a thing with you?

Huh?

Move on.

I have.

It's a real treat when the Goldberg men get together.

It's not okay in there.

You could cut that tension with the knife in Ben's boot.

Which he showed to me.

He said he needs it for when he rides on the bus.

I know, but the perfect Thanksgiving plan is still intact, and it all starts with a slice of delicious Oh, spiced ass!

- Oh!

- Murray won't even blink.

It's okay.

The day can still be salvaged.

Bill and Vic will be here any minute.

- Bill and Vic aren't coming.

- The hell you say to me?

Ooh!

Did you just chuck a yam at me?

Oh, butch it up.

It was cooked.

It's not my fault Bill's appendix exploded three days ago.

They just found him.

His side is super infected.

Oh, that selfish b*st*rd.

He sends his love.

And as for Vic, he's serving turkey dinners at a homeless shelter.

Of all the days to do that.

Yeah, I'm not sure your perfect Thanksgiving plan is working out.

It's okay.

We still have the Eagles.

MURRAY: Beverly!

You recorded my Eagles game!

Oh, I can explain.

- Uh, Adam did it.

- Me?

He's our common enemy that we can all rally against.

Just go with it.

It's fun.

Forget this.

I'm going to the basement to play with my real friends, Mario and Luigi.

Uch.

They sound like they have accents.

Anyway, sorry about your stupid game.

I was just trying to get the parade, and I pressed, uh, one of your fancy VCR buttons.

But why would you turn on the parade during Murray's game?

What?

Are you another parade hater?

You ruined my game.

- But the Eagles won!

- They won?

- Back to the parade.

- (TAPE REWINDS)

Oh!

Did it again.

They won in overtime on a Hail Mary pass!

This is literally the worst day of my life!

Hey, hey, hey.

(CHUCKLES)

Murray, you see the game?

Holy crap!

What a doozy!

I hate football, and even I thought it was thrilling, like watching a movie about football.

Such a doozy!

Oh, I could really feel the city around us come alive in those last few moments.

A doozy!

We get it.

You saw the game, okay?

And for some reason, you keep saying "doozy.

" Erica said this night would make us question everything.

By the way, where is my little Turkey Day buffer?

(BUTTON BEEPS)

Excuse me Panam.

Such an exotic name.

Are you from the Orient?

Pan Am is the airline.

I'm Elaine from here.

Please don't correct me, Elaine from here.

It's an ugly color on you.

Now, when can I expect meal service, huh?

I'm sorry, it's a 40-minute flight, so we won't even be coming by with the beverage cart.

What about peanuts?

This gentleman right here took the last bag.

If you don't want me taking them, don't leave them in the back of the bottom drawer in the galley.

Damn it, we should be home right now.

Geoff isn't equipped to handle our family's holiday bullcrap.

Listen, I got your back.

Why don't we use this handy-dandy air phone and we'll inform them that we're running a little bit behind.

Great idea.

I'm starving.

Let's order a pizza first.

These phones cost like $11 a minute.

Money's no object.

Give me your credit card.

Me?

Use yours.

Mine were all cut up in nine unrelated misunderstandings.

(SIGHS)

Dad did give me a credit card to use during an emergency.

What?

Why would he give you one and not me?

At the airport, we could've bought food and important Pittsburgh trinkets and baubles.

Shh.

It's ringing.

(SPEAKING QUICKLY)

Hi, Mom, it's Erica.

We're gonna be late because Marvin pulled a Marvin, and we're in the skies over Pittsburgh.

Okay, see you soon, bye.

You see?

No problem.

Uncle Marvelous will have you guys home lickety-split.

- (PA CHIMES)

- PILOT: Bad news, folks.

Due to some unforeseen weather in Philadelphia, we are being diverted to Nashville.

That announcement could have been for any flight.

ADULT ADAM: While Marvin and my siblings were going off-course, my mom's plans were heading the same way.

So, Mr.

Goldberg Senior, are you retired?

You know, 14 years ago, these sons of bitches gave me a Timex watch and shoved me out the door.

They got the best years of my life.

(GRUNTS)

So, screw them.

What are you up to these days?

Well, most recently, uh, I'm being grilled by this grinning schnook who thinks he's Donahue.

- I'm sorry.

- For what?

- Engaging you.

- When are we eating, Murray?

I don't like these people.

These people can hear you.

They know how they are.

Okay, well, I just got off the phone with Erica.

Everything's fine, but they're a a bit delayed somewhere over Pittsburgh.

Oh, no, the Steel City!

They have so many rivers!

Let me guess.

That other moron son of mine - pulled a Marvin?

(GRUNTS)

- He did, in fact, pull his namesake.

But, uh, let me pull a Beverly - and drop another veggie platter.

- Oh, screw this.

There's only so much jicama a man can eat.

Dad, don't go.

Hmm?

- Now you can.

- Wait, Ben, Ben.

You can go watch the parade in the basement until dinner's ready.

Is that okay with everyone?

- I guess.

- It's not in here.

He's got his coat.

Great, just go downstairs and make yourself comfortable.

Don't mind if I do.

(GASPS)

Oh, my.

That's not okay!

The human body changes over time!

ADULT ADAM: Yes, Pop-Pop ruined a lot of Thanksgivings, but nothing compared to what came next.

Ooh!

Son of a Pop-Pop!

My crotchety grandfather took a tumble down the stairs!

I knew I had to act fast, so I did this.

Now, that's a doozy.

(GROANS)

Uncle Marvin's 15-minute drive had turned into a 12-hour layover in Nashville.

Man!

Music City's got it all.

I mean, I know it's Thanksgiving and we're stuck in an airport hotel, but (SCOFFS)

who wants to go honky-tonkin'?

I want you to shut up.

- I'm calling home.

- Oh, God.

They're probably eating already.

Tell Mom to pour gravy into the phone so I can taste it with my ears.

Good thing I nabbed a little something from the maid's cart in the hallway to tide you over.

Oh!

Oh, sweet, minty sustenance!

- (LINE RINGS)

- Where the hell are you?

A motel in Nashville.

Ho That's a "ho-tel.

" Hotel, with an "H" there, Bevy.

And Uncle Marvin has got this, okay?

What you've got are my children in Tennessee.

Yeah, well, you're the only "Ten I see. " (CHUCKLES)

Is that helping?

No.

Get them home, now.

MARVIN: Okay, Uncle Marvin's on the case.

Don't worry, you're gonna see your kids tomorrow or sometime next week.

Ta!

- (RECEIVER CLICKS)

- Okay, here's the headline That "Ten I see" line doesn't work over the phone.

ADULT ADAM: Despite my Mom's hopes for a perfect Thanksgiving, it had all come crashing down.

Specifically, my grandfather's old body.

Let me look at you.

I'm a doctor.

You?

A doctor?

Eh, eh, no way.

He's a very well-regarded ophthalmologist.

Great.

If I need a pair of glasses for my knee, I'll let him know.

This man is a pill!

Which is something you can't prescribe from your LensCrafters in the mall.

Dad!

He's just trying to be helpful.

Him?

What about me?

Pop-Pop cartwheeling down the stairs messed me up bad.

Give me one of those.

Oh, no.

Did he crash into you with his stumbly-crumbly body?

I might be sharing too much, but I briefly lost consciousness.

Did one of his beige orthopedic sneakers clock you in the noggin?

No, he fainted, like a lady.

Nice work with this one, Mur.

Oh, so now you're giving me parenting advice?

Hey, remember Thanksgiving in our house?

I don't, because we never had one!

Yeah, well, you had something else.

It was called dinner, and it was almost every night.

Great news, everyone.

Thanksgiving dinner is Please say served.

- tomorrow.

- (GROANS)


How is a Friday Thanksgiving great news?

Someone pulled a Marvin, and the kids are stuck in Nashville.

Music City?

Oh, no!

So much hot chicken and angry fiddlin'!

But you guys are welcome to stay here and enjoy each other's - Lou, we forgot our coats.

- We have more at home.

- Keep it moving.

- Thanks, Mrs. G.

I-I'm thankful for those delicious smells and the vague sense that my girlfriend is alive somewhere out there.

POP-POP: Well, I'm out of here.

I would like to say it was fun, but it was literally a pain in my ass, teeth, and bones.

Ben, you're going nowhere.

You're injured, and we have plenty of room.

Are the rest of the Kennedys okay with a guest in their compound?

Mm?

ADULT ADAM: As Pop-Pop was ready to call it a night, Uncle Marvin was taking the new day by storm.

Wakey-wakey.

Guess which cool uncle solved all your problems.

Thank God.

You got us on another flight?

Better.

I scored us a ride with a stranger I met at the ice machine.

- What?

- Crazy story I was filling up the bathtub for my road turkey - Ham.

- and then, on the tenth trip, I met this guy who was so displeased with the fact that I was taking all the ice, so I blamed it on the folks in room 702.

(CHUCKLES)

What's their story?

Anyway, now we're best friends, and I scored us a ride to Philly.

This seems like the start of a horror movie.

Or a great friendship.

I like the sound of this mysterious ice fella.

I'm glad you dig it because we leave in 20.

Trust me, the rest of the way is gonna be sweet and easy.

(TIRES SCREECH)

Well, I've never been robbed before.

I'm sorry I screamed so much.

I can't believe he even took the Cobra matchstick from my lips.

Now I just look like a fool.

Yeah, that's what did it.

Hey, look on the bright side He didn't want our turkey, okay?

He only wanted our money and our watches and our IDs.

A warm ham is not gonna replace my go-kart license!

We were five freaking minutes from home, and now we're on some deserted Southern road with only a ham to our name.

This is the finest turkey in all the land!

It's a ham!

And the only turkey around here is you.

Listen, I made mistakes, okay?

But you're still on my team, right, Bar?

I used to think you pulling a Marvin was hilarious, but, honestly, now it's kind of sad.

We're gonna find our own way home.

Damn it.

I think this is a ham.

ADULT ADAM: While Erica and Barry quit my Uncle Marvin cold turkey, my mom was excited to have a Thanksgiving Day redo.

Morning, Ben.

Oh, I'm so glad to see you up and feeling better, and I promise, we are gonna have a great The [Bleep.] are you eating?

Gobble gobble.

(CHUCKLES)

It's cold, but it's tasty.

Did you carve my bird?

No, I just yanked the leg off.

(GRUNTS)

It fought me, but I won.

Damn it, Ben, I worked my ass off preparing this.

I'm enjoying it.

(CHUCKLES)

What more do you want?

To eat it together as a family.

There's plenty more.

Besides, eh, the big guy hasn't even been at it.

The big guy?

You mean your son?

Your child?

Like he needs anything more from me, huh?

What?

He's got the big house, got the tables full of food, the fancy doodads.

Not to mention you, Blondie, and those annoying rugrats of yours.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, you know what?

I think it's time you left.

What?

What are you talking about?

I have tried to be on your side, but you know what?

Murray was right.

- (DOOR OPENS)

- You are just awful.

Whatever happened to all that "family takes care of family" baloney?

Yeah, I don't think you really want to be part of this family 'cause family doesn't treat people like that.

(MUMBLING)

Please don't make me go.

Did you say something?

I want to stay.

Ben, just say whatever awful thing it is you're gonna say.

(NORMAL VOICE)

Well, what if I want to be part of the family?

I, uh, want to get along with my son, but I don't know how.

(DOOR CLOSES)

If that's really what you want, I can help you.

Oh, I knew I could get my perfect Thanksgiving.

Well, I wouldn't go that far.

I mean, it's Friday, and I ate all the corn.

After being "Planes, Trains and Automobiles.

"-ed by Uncle Marvin, Barry and Erica found themselves further from home than ever.

Look.

There's a bus leaving for Philly in ten minutes.

Perfect.

If only that guy hadn't stolen our wallets and your dignity.

Those were the tears of a warrior preparing to strike.

- We're never getting home.

- Oh, yes, you are.

Marvin, please don't make things any worse (SHUSHING)

I know that I blew it before, and the time before that, and like a million times before that, but all that's gonna change now.

Did you steal another Chevette?

'Vette.

And, no.

But I do have a great idea to get you guys home.

Because what's even worse than making you miss Thanksgiving is knowing that I'm the dumbass responsible.

What are you saying?

Just trust me one last time, and I promise that "pulling a Marvin," it's gonna mean something good.

Okay.

Let's see what you got.

ADULT ADAM: With that, Barry and Erica had no choice but to trust our uncle, and that's when he pulled his most epic Marvin yet.

- Tickets, please.

- No time!

Me and my compadres here work for the medical FBI!

And we are mandated to get this very real human heart to Philly, STAT.

Thanksgiving and Uncle Marvin's reputation hung in the balance.

We just needed one little "yes" to make it home.

Whatever.

Eh, close enough.

I can't believe that worked.

You actually did it, Uncle Marvin.

Yeah.

I kinda did.

(CHUCKLES)

As Barry and Erica were finally headed home, my dad and Pop-Pop were having a hard time finding the right words Or any words.

Okay, so, let me get the ball rolling.

Murray, maybe you could say something like, "Dad, I'm upset about" Meh.

Maybe Ben can start.

Ben, maybe you could say to Murray, uh, "Murray, what you need to understand" (CLEARS THROAT)

All right, this is not gonna work unless everybody uses words.

Fine!

You were a crap dad then, and you're a crap dad now.

- How's that?

- BEVERLY: Really bad.

Not constructive or helpful in any way.

He's right.

I wasn't a great dad - 'Cause he was a crappy kid.

- Exactly.

We were kids, you jackass!

Okay, this was a mistake.

Let's just go back to angry silence.

After your mother left, I was stuck with two dumb boys and didn't know how to be a parent, bonehead.

How is that my fault, you jerk?

It isn't.

I was just scared and lonely and overwhelmed And I got angry and took it out on the wrong people, dumbass.

Well, I didn't know that, moron.

I know you're yelling and it all sounds hateful, but this is really good.

I had to raise myself and my brother because you wouldn't, you piece of crap.

And that is my greatest regret, you fathead idiot.

That is the nicest thing that you have ever said to me, you old sack of bones!

It's working.

It sounds so terrible, but it's beautiful.

That's why I crap on everything you have, because I'm jealous.

I mean, look at your life.

Look at this big, dumb house and your beautiful moron family.

It is nice!

And I'm proud of myself.

You should be, you ass.

I'm glad I could share it with you, - you son of a bitch.

- Me, too!

I'd like to make up for lost time, putz.

I'd very much like that, you broken old b*st*rd!

This is what I'm talking about!

It's finally Thanks-[Bleep.] -giving!

ADULT ADAM: Yep, thanks to my mom, Pop-Pop and my dad finally broke through, and Barry and Erica decided that "pulling a Marvin" wasn't a bad thing after all.

It meant showing up when it mattered most.

And even though it was Friday and there wasn't any corn, Thanksgiving finally came together.

To all of us.

ALL: Salud.

You did it, Mom.

You pulled off the perfect Thanksgiving.

ADULT ADAM: That's the awesome thing about family.

Just when you think hope is lost, people who care surprise you in ways you never expected.

We still talk about that legendary Thanksgiving to this very day, 'cause in the end, no matter how crazy the journey home is, the best part is being together.

Every time you go away Thanksgiving.

How did you like this Thanksgiving?

Pretty good.

How about you?

ADAM: Hi.

(BELL DINGS)

I can't believe I've never seen the movie Cobra.

Ah, you're gonna love it, kid.

Besides Sly, it's got Danish bombshell Brigitte Nielsen.

- (GROANS)

- Red Sonja herself.

I'll get us the tickets.

No need.

This one's on Uncle Marvin.

Please tell me your wallet's in there.

Wallets are for people who play by the rules.

Code blue!

We got an emergency liver transplant in theater four.

I'm gonna need a bucket of ice and a large popcorn, STAT!

- Yeah, that'll be nine dollars.

- Here's ten.